Friday, July 31, 2009

Meeting Goals

I'm looking back on my goals from February. I can already tell that I'm not doing as well as I had hoped.

I've met my goal of reading Pride and Prejudice. I finished that within a week.

I've read through Proverbs 6 times. I've read 6 different versions of Proverbs. It's been interesting to see the differences and the similarities (of course, it should be very similar, since it's the same book each time). Ace has requested that I read a specific version this month.

We are eating at home more, but we aren't eating more fruits and veggies (although, I've probably had more fruit this year than I did last year) in general. Lack of a water heater has really put a crimp on cooking healthier food in general.

I've given up on joining a gym and loosing 50 pounds this year, as the finances also dictate that those things are at the bottom of the list of important things right now. It's more that I've seen that those goals are reliant on certain things changing.

Also, I still prefer things to be even when possible. It's some weird quirk that I'm beginning the think I'm just going to have to live with.

So, while I'm not doing perfectly, or even really meeting most of my original goals, I am trying. Things are happening. And I have to just have faith that things will work out the right way.

And until then, I guess I'll keep working on that patience thing. I know that it's not always been a strong point with me. So, I'll keep trying and waiting and believing. And, when the time is right, all my goals will be met.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Lessons From The Past

I don't write a lot about my past, and there is a reason for that. It's not that I'm trying to stay anonymous, because I could write about my past and stay anonymous. It's also not because of anger about what happened.

I don't write about it because then my mother's words, harsh, unforgiving words that I now only hear in my head (and only occasionally), would be given power again. And the biggest reason I cut off contact over 3 years ago was because of those powerful, hurtful, harsh words.

In my heart, I know that my mother always thought she was doing the right thing and that she did intend to make things, or me, better. But, she chose the wrong words. She criticized and picked until I lost confidence in my physical beauty and saw only the flaws. She never laid a finger on me, but the scars are still there, under the surface.

I learned a lot of things being around my mother, with her swiftly changing moods. I learned not to commit to something until I knew what it was. I learned how to keep my mouth shut, as she had already lost her temper and saying anything would just push her to yell longer. I learned that I had to be grown up and responsible and fairly stable for my siblings to know that this wasn't how normal people act. I learned to apologize for everything, even things I wasn't really responsible for in hopes that the yelling wouldn't last as long.

Since meeting Ace, I've learned new things. I've learned that most people see the beauty and ignore the small flaws. I've learned that I'm pretty, and that I deserve to hear that said. I've learned that I deserve to be treated better than I was in the past. I've learned that most people don't blow hot and cold on how they treat their loved ones. I've learned that getting me little things, like books and CDs, or spending time with me, isn't something I should see as just a treat for special occasions. He has helped me to see that what I grew up with wasn't normal.

Before you start wanting to blame my dad for any of these things, know this: he wasn't there day to day while my mother was saying the things she did (and I didn't tell him). He was in another state, working to provide for our needs. He was visiting us every other weekend and loved us much more than he cared for himself (still does love us). In his opinion, I'm one of the 3 best things to ever happen in his relationship with my mom. He still misses me coming and spending half the summer with him and his wife. He has never made me feel like I was less than the most special person, unless he was distracted by making my siblings feel the same.

So, I'm saying all this now, not to give my mother any of the power I took back, but to say that I know that not all abuse is physical. I know that still, after 3 years of almost no contact (1 stilted phone call and a friend request on MySpace that was just ignored), her words can come back to draw me down into the start of depression.

I chose my words carefully. I still tread lightly when I think I might anger someone, even Ace who loves me too much to ever hurt me. I try to find a balance between remembering why I don't want to resume a relationship with my mother and remembering why I do still love her and what few happy memories I can find.

I over think things way too often. I don't forgive myself enough. I say harsh words to myself.

But, I tend to temper all of that with kind words, laughter, and small things that make me happy.

I'm not telling you all this to make you feel bad for me. I say this to let you know that I'm a survivor. And I'm not letting a painful past hold me down.

But if I ever seem to be down, now you know part of the reason why. I'm still struggling with finding my emotional balance with my past. It's not an easy task. But, I'm a survivor. I can do it.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Back Issues

Since getting my new monitor, my back has been hurting. And it's all my fault.

Despite things now being easier to see, I keep leaning forward toward the screen. I'm pretty sure that I've messed up some muscles (or at least I've been using them in ways they aren't used in a while). I'm rather frustrated with this whole situation.

So, I keep finding that I need to take some days and not do much (at all) to try to get my back to like me again.

Today is one of those days.

I wish my chest wasn't quite so large, as I'm fairly sure that it would help my back not be quite so sore (possibly not sore at all).

Saturday, July 25, 2009

It's Real!

Earlier (I say this, because I'm typing this a few minutes after midnight, but it doesn't feel like it's Saturday to me yet as I haven't gone to bed and slept yet), Ace and I went to go shopping at a wholesale club (we like stocking up on stuff there). He was looking over the list before we left.

Ace: Toilet paper! Real toilet paper!
M: So, we've been using fake toilet paper?
Ace: Imitation toilet paper.

In reality, we've been using real toilet paper, it's just not quite what he was wanting. So, with one request to not get one particular brand, I told him that he could pick out whichever toilet paper he wanted.

I think he's now satisfied with the toilet paper awaiting use, even if it wasn't exactly what he wanted when we left to go shopping.

I love my slightly quirky husband (of course, I'm a lot quirkier than he is).

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Solution to the Computer Problems

Well, according to my computer doctor, there are two solutions to my problem.

1. Spend $300 on a monitor replacement, which won't necessarily be done today. This laptop isn't worth $300.

2. Buy a monitor to hook up to the laptop. Spend what you want, have a working laptop in the time it takes to set everything up.

Since I'm typing this on my laptop, you can guess which option we chose.

My new monitor was just a hair over half the replacement monitor's cost. It's also much bigger than the original monitor.

Ace is thinking of getting one for himself.

Computer Problems


I know I've been quiet lately, but I've recently had some computer problems. Problems that make me want to not use my computer at all. So, I'm borrowing Ace's computer (he's in bed, asleep) long enough to post that I'm currently down computer wise and will hopefully be back soon.

We're taking my laptop to see the computer doctor tomorrow, hopefully it will be a quick fix and I'll be back on my computer by tomorrow night.

- M.A. Smith

Monday, July 20, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Uterus (And Heart) Wants What It Wants

Today, Sarah (of Sarah and the Good Squad, who's post I've tried to link, but am having problems with) posted pictures of baby clothes and talked about how she's done having kids, but baby clothes make her uterus ache.

And that's how I feel almost all the time. Except for when I have cramps, because then the pain pushes all thoughts of little babies out of my head.

Even dinner with 4 fairly young kids wasn't enough to convince me to not have kids (actually, the youngest made my longing worse).

So, while some people, like Sarah, may be done with having kids (and good for her), some of us are waiting and longing and waiting until it happens. And for now, my heart, and uterus and, frankly, my arms, all want a baby.

So, I wait and try again this month. And hopefully soon my wishes will all come true.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Today feels like a day to be quiet.

So, today, I'm being quiet.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll have something more to say.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A Short List

Or The Latest News from Me in Convenient List Format

1. Not pregnant. Hate hormones. Hate cramps. Chocolate bars seem to help.

2. Our financial stuff makes me want to hide in my bed. Not a good thing.

3. Between the Coke I drank around dinner time and the temperature, I had a couple of problems falling asleep. I'm going back to refusing caffeine in all it's forms (except chocolate and Midol, when needed) again.

4. I'm ready for some cooler days, which will hopefully be happening soon. is promising cooler weather, I just hope they are right.

5. We have to have plumbers come out and deal with our pipes, as the lack of water drainage in the kitchen is ridiculous. Hopefully, we can do that soon.

6. Had dinner with Karen and her fiance and all their kids (4, all under the age of 8). Guillermo went with us and was a hit. Wanted to bring the youngest home with us as he was cute and sweet and adorable. Plus, he had blond eyelashes and big blue eyes. Resisted temptation.

7. Enjoyed the chicken fried steak (without gravy) that was made though.

8. The Cokes they had were made in Mexico with real sugar, and it reminded me of going down to Mexico on mission trips (we did construction to churches, it was hard work and lots of fun). The only real breaking point on the memory is that their bottles weren't scratched up any from being washed and re-used.

9. We had banana pudding for dessert. Now Ace and I need to go buy some banana pudding ice cream.

10. You don't pronounce the g in banana pudding. If you really want to go for it, you call it Nana Puddin'.

So, now you know what's been going on (and mostly about dinner last night).

Saturday, July 11, 2009

What Do You Mean This Doesn't Update Itself?

Okay, so after getting all talkative and posting several days in a row, I went silent for a few days.

But, I've been doing... well, nothing is what I've been doing. Until today.

Today, I:
1. Caught up on pop culture. So very important, right?
2. Cleaned my bedroom. Or at least reorganized my bed room a bit.
3. Have fought off taking a nap so that I will sleep tonight.

Today, I plan on:
1. Reading another chapter of Lord of the Rings (I've got the hobbits in Rivendell and today I read about the council meeting).
2. Cleaning the living room.
3. Possibly give in and take a nap so I stop feeling quite so tired.

So, yeah. Today, I'm getting organized, tomorrow I'm doing laundry, and Monday's plans are still unknown at this point.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

What, Me, Throw Up? Nah

So, I don't think I've shared this before, but I get sea sick (sort of). I don't actually empty my stomach, but I feel like doing so. But only when things are wavy.

On cars, buses, trains, and planes I feel fine traveling forward, backward, and probably upside down (if I wanted to travel that way). But, put me on a boat (or jiggle my bed) and my stomach decides that I should feel sick.

Only, I never actually throw up, so I don't know if that would really make me feel better.

Okay, I told you all of that to tell you this: my hormones make me feel nauseous around massage chairs (and similar apparatus). I start feeling that same sensation of wanting to throw up. I know it's hormonal, because it only happens right before I start my period (or get a visit from Aunt Flo, if you are afraid of the word period). Otherwise, my massage chair and I get along fine.

Right now, my massage chair is just getting to be a chair. Right now, my massage chair is massage non grata for my stomach. If only my back and stomach were on the same page (I'd kind of like a massage, but I don't really relish the idea of feeling queasy).

So, I'll stay here avoiding doing something to annoy my stomach and I'll wait. Because there isn't too much more I can do for now.

The Book

Earlier, I did something I never do. I threw a book.

To tell you why I'm so shocked (and appalled) by my behavior, I should probably tell you that I love books. Books have been there for me when there wasn't anyone else. Books and I have always been close friends. I hate getting rid of books in any manner. I love books.

And earlier, in a fit of anger and hurt and hormones, I threw one.

I had hoped it would make me feel better, but it didn't.

Ace wasn't exactly happy to hear a loud thunk out of no where (or to find a book on the floor). And he told me I needed to figure out what was going on and to calm way down.

So, I took a drive, with the dog (who we had planned on taking for a car ride today). And it helped me calm down (it also helped that there was pretty much no one on the road at that time of day).

Now, I need to find a healthier way of dealing with my emotions when my hormones exacerbate them to bad levels that make me feel so angry and hurt. I need to talk or shout or something.

But I need to not throw books. Because books are my friends and that is no way to treat a friend.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Hormones Abound

Earlier, my hormones have decided to manifest as a queasy stomach.

While that is nicer than getting angry with the dog for no reason, it's not exactly fun. After all, who wants to feel a desire to throw up?

So, I'm trying to keep my stomach as happy as possible (while still remaining as quiet as possible, as it's after Ace's bedtime and he has work tomorrow).

Well, I'm off to find something to help settle my stomach, right after I visit the bathroom.

And I'm trying not to read anything into any pregnancy symptoms I feel, as they seem to pop up right before my period starts (although, I'm sleeping way more than normal, feeling queasy, having random mood swings, and peeing more than usual, all of which are related to pregnancy, but are mostly also related to the hormone progesterone which is released after ovulation to foster pregnancy/signal the beginning of a period) (yes, I have been studying up on my reproductive cycle).

Okay, seriously, I'm off now.


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Late Night Annoyances

I'm sitting here, on my bed, trying to convince myself to start actually laying down and getting closer to sleeping, since I've been so sleepy lately (I'm blaming hormones, because I'm not normally this tired. I took a nap this evening, and I'm still kind of tired).

And then, I hear them.

Pop, pop, wrrrrrreeeeeee (that spelling is as close as I can get to the whistle sound).


They are illegal inside city limits (even on the 4th, unless the government has approved the show, which they wouldn't at this time of day). Plus, I'm sure they are breaking another few laws regarding when noisy things can be done in a neighborhood.

It's after midnight, so it's no longer the 4th. And all I can think is why are they still firing off fireworks. They had at least 2 and 1/2 hours before this, while it was still the 4th but after the local approved fireworks, to have shot all their fireworks off.

And I wonder if I should call the cops. I mean, Ace has to work tomorrow and he needs his sleep (not that the fireworks woke him up). And anyway, what they are doing isn't legal. And then, the sounds stop. And I realize that it probably wouldn't have been worth it anyway.

But it was still annoying.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Just a few minutes ago, I read through most of the Declaration of Independence. I read through most of the charges laid out against England. And I part of me could see the hurts, the frustration, and the outrage at what was being done to push people to start the American Revolution.

It's shocking to think of how life must have been in 1775, and I'm not just talking about how people dressed or cooked or cleaned or got anywhere. The injustices of having someone killed by a soldier who would be given a "trial" and then allowed to resume his life as if he had done nothing wrong, to do something wrong and be shipped overseas to England to stand trial instead of judges being appointed here, to find out that the governors over you couldn't actually do anything without the kind's permission and he didn't seem to actually care about what was going on in this part of his kingdom.

Now, I know that's been resolved for a long time. But it's shocking to think about. And all these things, things that people were willing to put up with because they didn't want to fight, when added together became enough to finally say "Stop. Enough. We have rights. Rights given to us from God. And you can't take them away anymore."

Now, we have laws that govern us and govern our government. Laws to protect us from having housing soldiers just because they are near our area. Laws protecting our right to a trial. Laws letting everyone, government and governed, what those rights are.

Things like the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution are part of what makes me glad to have been born in the United States. It makes me proud to know that this country has been founded as an attempt to let everyone feel equal and free, even if it's history has not always borne that out.

And it's nice to know that some of our unalienable rights are still Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Long may that be the case.

Happy Birthday, America!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

And the Hormone Roller Coaster is Driving me Crazy

So, now that the hormones aren't completely driving my emotions (like they seemed to be when I posted yesterday), I am happy for my cousin.

I think I just had some tears and past pain and frustration that needed to come out.

That doesn't mean that I don't feel like all this emotional stuff is something good right now. It's harder to deal with my emotions when they are stronger because they are being driven by hormones.

If I've learned nothing else, I've learned that when I get pregnant, I think I'm going to drive Ace and I both crazy with my hormone induced mood swings. I'm not quite looking forward to that. On the plus side, Ace has a tendency to keep my moods now mostly in check while my hormones are going crazy in my body.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see about how things go from here.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Today is a day of mixed emotions. My dreams last night were apparently a sign of that.

Today, I found out that one of my cousins is pregnant with #3 (another one of my cousins just recently gave birth #2). And all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry because I'm waiting on #1.

I had a dream that I was watching someone else's toddler for them. Only, I didn't know who they were or how to get in touch of them. And for some bizarre reason, I had a crib set up in my living room (one not quite big enough for the toddler to sleep in).

So, I think I'm going to talk to Ace about some cuddle time. And then, I may look for some chocolate. And then, maybe, my hormones will calm down and I'll be able to tell how I feel without question.

But for now, I don't know how I feel. And that's painful.