Saturday, September 29, 2012

More Things I Love about Ace

Since I'm feeling all romantic and loving towards Ace due to our anniversary (not that I'm normally feeling not romantic and loving, it just doesn't normally feel this strong), I thought I'd share more things that I love about him.

1. He is a nerd. Such a nerd. He gets my nerdy references, or he asks about them. And he cares about my answers.

2. He listens to me ramble on and on about whatever I am currently obsessed with. Even if he doesn't care. (Okay, he occasionally tunes out the details, but he listens enough to know the subject.) He cares about my interests.

3. He makes me feel loved. Without really trying.

4. He takes care of the stuff that stresses me out.

5. He wants me to feel pretty. Because he wants me to see myself as he sees me. And he won't give up telling me that I'm pretty until I believe it all the time.

6. He wants to talk to me when we are apart. He wants us to spend time together as much as we can.

7. He got me to play WoW (World of Warcraft) and continues to get me to play WoW. I'm not always sure I like playing nearly as much as he does, but I like that he wants to do something with me that we both find fun.

8. He solves problems that I'm too close to. Easily.

9. He wants children nearly as much as I do. He wants children partially because I want them so much.

10. He's going to be such a great dad, partially because he's such a great husband.

11. He tells me he loves me everyday (baring lack of means to communicate). He thinks it's important that I hear it daily. He often tells me multiple times a day. And he never lets me say it without telling me he loves me back.

12. He loves me even when I'm not very lovable. He doesn't always like me then, but he still loves me.

13. He refuses to let us say things we don't mean and can't take back. And if I do say something hurtful, he forgives me for it. Every time.

14. He fills my heart with warmth and love. Just by being in my life.

15. He is willing to learn new things. He likes learning new things. He may not always be interested in what I am, but he is interested in learning.

This still doesn't scratch the surface of things I love about my husband. But it is at least a few more of the things that I love.

I miss you, sweetheart. I love you! Drive safely, watch out for deer, and take care of yourself. *kiss*

Friday, September 28, 2012

And Much Squeeing Commenced

I am sometimes a bit late to the cool, nerdy shows. Especially if they are on Syfy (I blame it on the change to the name of the station, because I'm pretty sure I'd be more willing to check out their shows if they were still SciFi).

Thus, I am catching up to what's going on with Warehouse 13 on Netflix. And I've recently (as in the last half hour) finished watching the second episode of season 2. The episode where Jewel Staite and Sean Maher guest starred in. Since Firefly is like one of my absolutely favorite shows of all time (and I still mourn that it got not quite a full season), I was a bit excited.

I may have bounced some. And mentally squealed.

Anyway. I loved that they cast those two as a semi-romantic couple. Even if they didn't get together until the end of the episode (better than Firefly, where they didn't get together until the end of the movie). Because of course they would. Those two make a cute couple, at least they do on screen. I'll let the actors decide their own off screen romantic partners (although, they would make a cute couple that way too).

I like that whoever cast them put them together so much in the episode. It worked. Sean Maher works as a guy with a crush who can't quite confess it. Jewel Staite works as a sweet girl who isn't quite as oblivious about showing her own crush. It's adorable and sweet and cute and it makes me want to jump and dance and squeal and be with my own sweet guy.

P.S.: 10 years ago, Ace and I met. Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Thanks for being so right for me all of these years. Drive safely, watch out for deer, and remember that I love you.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

It Gets Better - The Depressed Version

Lately, I've been doing things at odd times. I blame my sleep schedule, which is fairly erratic right now. That really has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd share it.

I've been thinking on the campaign for LGBT teen community. Mostly with the statement "It gets better." I like that statement. It's a good statement.

I'm adopting it as my statement to people who are depressed. Mostly because some days, some really dark days, that statement needs to be said. So, here it is: "It gets better."

I know that it won't fix your problems or make you feel motivated or make things magically better. I know this. I've been there. Where sitting up is all you are up for. Where changing clothes seems pointless or exhausting or stupid. Where you either eat anything you can get your hands on or you can't be bothered to eat because the food is over there and that's just too far away right now. I have been there. Somehow, I doubt I'll avoid ever going there again, no matter how much I'd like to.

But it gets better. It does. No matter how bad I'm feeling, it doesn't last. No matter how little I care right now, at some point I'll start caring again. No matter how low things seem, it won't stay that way.

I never fully know what will pull me out of my depression. Sometimes it's watching cartoons and funny movies and just putting things that make me laugh in front of my face. Sometimes it's getting reminded of my blessings. Sometimes, apparently, it takes Ace telling me to just grow up and deal with it.

The important thing is that it gets better. I don't stay in that place, where I can barely breath. I find passion for things again. I can take care of myself again. I can tell someone else that it gets better.

So please, if you are depressed, get some help. Find something that works to pull you out. But please, please, please, keep in mind that "It gets better." Don't do something dangerous or stupid. Please.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Not Quite Depressed

I don't think it's been a secret that since Ace started his training, I've been posting less. It's only partly because there hasn't been anything going on. Mostly, it's been because I've been fighting off depression.
. .
The first 6 weeks, I was struggling some. I was fighting depression off, never quite being taken over by it. It was always looming in the background, but I was staying ahead of it.

Then came the week with Ace. I felt good, if slightly frustrated with my in-laws. There was no reason for me to be depressed, so I wasn't.

After Ace left, I went back to fighting off depression. Only not as effectively. I was not up for it, not really. I kind of crashed down into depression. It was bad (I was eating about one meal a day), and part of me was glad Ace wasn't here to see it. Except if he had been here, I'd probably not been depressed. (I lost 9 pounds by not eating. I don't like losing weight that way. Starvation is not a good diet plan. I am eating better now. And healthy foods. Salad, apple slices, cheese, granola bars, beans, fresh bread.)

It got bad enough that one day, Ace was trying to do anything to cheer me up, including offering to call my dad for me to get me to visit him. Even asking if I could just get myself dressed and hopefully my dad could help with packing. I didn't have enough motivation to get dressed. I cried because of that. It was not just a bad day, but a very bad day. It was me at my lowest.

Monday, Ace and I were talking. He was getting all tough love on me (for things other than depression, things I needed to have him say to stop complaining about this). And between that and me figuring a few things out, I finally seemed to leave the depression behind me.

It's still looming. I can still feel it. I'm not fully away from it, I don't think. But I'm not drowning in it anymore. I can see my emotional shoreline. I can get myself to safety again. The undertow no longer has me.

I'm in a weird place. I'm not quite depressed, but I'm not back to normal quite yet either. I think it's a good place right now though. It's a step in the right direction.

If anyone has any tips for helping fight off depression, I'd love to hear them. Preferably ones that do not include me going to a doctor for a prescription. It's not the best option for me right now, even if I think it might be a good plan in the future.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Things I Love about Ace

I was talking to Ace the other day and at some point, I told him that I haven't even begun to get past the surface on all the reasons I love him. So, here are just a few of the many, many things I love about my husband.

1. He makes me feel like a princess. No matter what else is going on, he does his best to make me feel special. Especially when I'm suddenly emotionally needy about it.

2. He buys me things (laptops, books, toys, etc.). Because he knows I want them. And because they will make me happy. As if he wasn't enough to make me happy on his own.

3. He takes care of me. Even when I'm at points where doing much more than eating what is put in front of me is too much, he takes care of me. Sometimes by pushing me outside my comfort zone, sometimes by just doing things that physically need to be done.

4. He won't let someone else push me around.

5. I can make him smile, just by being a little silly. Even when he's having a bad day.

6. He can make me laugh when I want to cry. He always seems to know just what to say or do at just the right time.

7. He's not afraid to be silly. Even in public. Especially if it makes me laugh.

8. He cares, deeply, about people and things. He doesn't always show it on the outside, but it shows if you know what to look for.

9. Even when he doesn't understand me, even when I don't understand myself, he still accepts me and loves me for who I am. Or he loves me despite who I am.

10. He lets me be weak until I am ready to be strong again. Even if he doesn't know why I'm feeling weak. Even if neither of us understands why I'm fighting depression. Even if it's just a bad day.

11. He's willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel safe. Even if it's cutting off ties to people. Even if I don't want that to happen.

12. He cares about those people who obviously want us in their lives. He doesn't feel that people who don't want us in their lives are worth worrying about. He's helping me to move that way.

13. He's willing to do anything, within reason, that I want to do, if it will make me happy. And it's not immoral, illegal, or unethical.

14. He makes me curl my toes. And I'll leave any other details between him and me.

15. He's got the most beautiful heart of anyone I've ever met. Despite how his family has treated him, despite how the world has tried to hurt it, despite how circumstances have been. And he gave it to me. To keep.

This list still doesn't dent the surface, but I think it's time to stop for now. I'll probably post another list at some point, but for today 15 seems like a good place to stop.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Of Dead Batteries and Fevers

Today has been on odd day. Not the least of which is because I've had 4 hours of sleep in the last 33 hours. Although, that hasn't helped (I am surprisingly awake despite my lack of sleep).

I went to my brother-in-law's house for lunch with the in-laws today. I had originally planned on driving myself (and running errands afterward), but the car I was going to use had a dead battery when I tried to start it. Like completely dead. Like nothing happened when I turned the key.

Lunch went well, over all. I didn't eat a lot, but I have multiple reasons why that would be the case. At least I ate enough to get full.

After we got back home, 3 hours later and with my niece, I came back to the bedroom to try to get some more rest (sleep if needed/possible, which it wasn't possible). After a few hours, I decided to take my temperature, because I've been feeling a bit off all day. Turns out, I'm running a low grade fever. Probably nothing to worry about, but enough to let me rest for the rest of the day without feeling too guilty.

Mostly, I have been surprised at how awake I am, given the lack of sleep and the obvious signs that my body is fighting some kind of germs off. Which isn't to say there are no signs of me being tired, just that my body isn't forcing the issue by just shutting down. I do plan on getting more sleep tonight.