Shaken

I have recently been trying to get back in touch with some of my family. In fact, I'm supposed to be having dinner with some of them Friday (tonight) and/or Saturday (tomorrow) night. Everything seemed to be going fairly well until a few hours ago.

One of my aunts and uncles went to lunch with my grandmother. She was excited about me coming into town and dinner. At least she was until she heard that my mother wasn't invited to dinner (she heard it from my mother, not my aunt and uncle). Then she got upset that my mother wasn't invited. I'm not sure my grandmother fully understands what's going on between my mother and I. I know that my dad had to tell her he wasn't part of it before she was fully okay with him again. I don't want to confuse my grandmother, so I'm not telling her what it's about (I'm not sure she would understand anyway).

Now, because of potential boat-rocking, my aunt and uncle are probably not coming to dinner. Sadly, this was only hours after they had determined that they would go to dinner with us (weird weekend shifts for my uncle mean weird sleeping patterns on the weekend, which meant they were originally not sure they were coming). My aunt is trying to play peace-maker and appease my upset mother (my sister told my mother, which got this whole thing rolling, but it's hard to get too upset with my sister since she is currently living with/dependent on my mother), and my aunt knows that I am much more forgiving.

So, instead of just being excited (and wondering why I haven't packed yet), I'm left feeling shaken because I didn't know my mother had the power to hurt me any more. I had thought cutting her out of my life would stop her ability to hurt me, and it has up until now. Now, she's managed to find a way to get to me because she's upset that I want contact with family again. I think. Who knows? Maybe she's just upset that I didn't invite her to dinner, which why would I?

Ace is frustrated, because there is little he can do to fix anything other than hold me while I cry and remind me that my mother hasn't shown any concern about finding out how I am from the avenue he suggested (apparently, she's getting all her news from my dad and probably my sister). He's trying to not get too upset with my family, but it's hard for him because he sees me hurting and they are causing at least part of it (inadvertently).

One of my cousins is excited to see me, so I know that I'll get to see her and my siblings. I'm trying to convince myself that if they are the only ones who show up, it's okay. Some of my relatives are/will be out of town and some have sick families to take care of. But even if others use lame excuses, at least I'll know there are some who really care about me and want to see me. And as much as I hate to think it, I'm fairly certain that this whole thing may damage some relationships that weren't on too stable ground already. Adding 5 years of not seeing/talking to/being around each other doesn't help.

I know that it would be easier for some people if I would just allow my mother back in my life. It would make them feel less in the middle. I'm not happy they are in the middle, but I'm not the one putting them there (I'm not asking them to choose a side). But I can't do something just because it would make other people's lives easier. I can't do something that I think is detrimental to myself to make others happier. I've done that enough in the past. I have to try to find my way and to do the things that are best for me and my family. Knowing that doesn't make things easier, but right isn't always easy. And I know I have to do the right things in order to make myself righteous.

I hope that people who know me know that I did not cut ties with my mother lightly. It was something I struggled with for a year. And there are times even now that I wonder if I should try to re-establish contact and ignore the past wrongs. But then I remember why that's not a good idea. I remind myself that it took me a long time to realize that most of my stress at the time was coming from that relationship. I've got to remember that I cut those ties for a reason. That I could not have a healthy relationship with my mother when she was so emotionally unhealthy.

I should probably go now. I've got to get some sleep before what's shaping up to be a few very long days with some pleasant patches thrown in. I'd like to look at least presentable for my cousin/siblings later.