Blindsided

While I have a good relationship with my dad, we don't talk much. I tend to get wrapped up in day to day life (or rather, stuff on TV that I watch in my day to day life) and I forget to do basic human kindness stuff like write him e-mails.

So, when I say that I was blindsided by his news of a cancer scare, know that it is mostly my fault and that he probably wanted to keep me from worrying about him (he was busy worrying about himself and trying to keep my step-mother from being completely freaked out).

He doesn't have cancer. That caught it in pre-cancer stages. They probably got it all, he's probably going to be fine for a long time. But...

He's more at risk now. He'll probably have to be screened more often for potential cancer. I need to find out what kind it could have been and now my siblings and I have to keep in mind that we need to keep our eyes open for symptoms in the future.

Right now, I wish I was sitting with my dad. I wish I was there, like my sister is, just spending time with him. I wish I had kids already, so they could get to know him. I wish Ace wasn't at work, because I'm just not sure how to handle all this and I know I can't go anywhere until tomorrow night, because Ace has work tomorrow too (which would give me a chance to get my laundry done).

I wish I could breath easy. I wish I knew what to say. I wish this whole thing had never happened so that I could stay in my safe little world which currently feels like it's coming crashing down.

But, for all my wishes, I have to deal with reality. So, for now, I'll be sitting over here reminding myself to breathe and trying to distract myself until Ace gets home and I can talk with him about all of this.

And the next time I see my dad, I think I'll spend extra time just enjoying the fact that he's here and fairly healthy. Plus, I'll give him an extra long hug. I think we could both use it.