I am having a weird day today. I'm not depressed, I don't think. I'm just... emotional? Or something. Other people's emotions are hitting me harder than normal. And I'm way too tired for someone who got plenty of sleep last night.
I am struggling with my own emotions some too.
My grandma is not as well as I'd like (not that I can do anything about that). My laptop, the one that my brain keeps telling me is mine, is supposed to be fixed and waiting in Tulsa, but I don't know when I'll get it (and then I have to add stuff to it all over again).
And people are fighting depression, and I get it and I love the posts about it, but it sort of feels like those posts are dragging me down, unintentionally. And I'd hate to find that talk about depression, even talk about things to pull you out of it, gets me depressed. That undertow would be nasty.
I am finally, after our time off, past my cold. And things are going well, financially, for the first time in years. The laptop thing? A minor blip for a few days. Seriously, we had to watch our spending from Monday until today, and now our bank account looks really nice again. It's been way to long since we've had that kind of financial security.
So, I'm having a weird day. The shoreline is not as steady as I'd like, but I can still see it. I'm not fighting an undertow. And I'm being cautious to keep that from happening.
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label waiting. Show all posts
Friday, January 17, 2014
Sunday, October 6, 2013
You Don't Want All the Details, Really
I'm going to stop apologizing for ignoring this blog for long periods of time. It keeps happening. Mostly because life on a truck is kind of boring unless I'm going to be complaining about the company Ace works for. Given that he's about to switch companies, that is the most ridiculous thing to blog about.
The good news is that we should have a better income and feel a bit more financially stable with the new company. Also, we can get me licensed and driving the truck with him, like we had originally planned. And I can get on the truck right away until we are ready for me to be driving, so no more time apart (they will let him train me, which is awesome).
The bad news is that the current company needs to sent proof of employment and driving records, and they do that once a week and did not do it last week. We're in this weird place where it seems they are trying to annoy us while supposedly they should be doing all they can to keep Ace as a driver.
So, we are waiting.
I'm hoping we'll have switched companies before my birthday in 2 weeks. But we'll see. At this point, all the current company can do is delay it a bit.
Things are looking up, even while we are currently in a holding pattern of waiting.
The good news is that we should have a better income and feel a bit more financially stable with the new company. Also, we can get me licensed and driving the truck with him, like we had originally planned. And I can get on the truck right away until we are ready for me to be driving, so no more time apart (they will let him train me, which is awesome).
The bad news is that the current company needs to sent proof of employment and driving records, and they do that once a week and did not do it last week. We're in this weird place where it seems they are trying to annoy us while supposedly they should be doing all they can to keep Ace as a driver.
So, we are waiting.
I'm hoping we'll have switched companies before my birthday in 2 weeks. But we'll see. At this point, all the current company can do is delay it a bit.
Things are looking up, even while we are currently in a holding pattern of waiting.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Random Randomness
Okay, I am completely terrible about remembering to come back here and post. I think this has been established. Thus, today, you get some random bits.
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On the other hand, Ace and I are talking a lot. We've come to some fair (to me) compromises on dealing with his parents from now on. Basically, I can do everything reasonably possible to not have to be around them and he won't complain. He's a bit annoyed about the part where his father sexually assaulted and harassed me, so he totally understands my desire to stay away.
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Unfortunately for me, we've been in some of the rainier parts of the country lately. I am so ready for some sunshine. My emotions are being a bit more fickle because of the constant grey clouds.
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We've added two new states to our list of states we've been to (new to me, not to Ace). I'd tell you how many that is, but I don't currently have access to the numbers.
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One of the recent updates on my laptop has made it more difficult for me to use Word or Excel. This is part of the reason I don't have numbers on the states. This is really annoying me. WTF Microsoft?
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Ace is considering switching trucking companies. Provided we can get answers to questions. Sometimes the weekend comes at inconvenient times.
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I keep having dreams that I only remember like one thing about when I wake up. It's mostly annoying because I don't really seem to care about these dreams, but they won't quite leave my mind. Last night my dream had something to do with hair pulling (and that is pretty much all I remember about it).
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I am still obsessing about Welcome to Night Vale. I don't think I want help though.
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And that's pretty much been it lately. Well, that and lots of sleep, lots of rain/grey clouds, and lots of driving/waiting.
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On the other hand, Ace and I are talking a lot. We've come to some fair (to me) compromises on dealing with his parents from now on. Basically, I can do everything reasonably possible to not have to be around them and he won't complain. He's a bit annoyed about the part where his father sexually assaulted and harassed me, so he totally understands my desire to stay away.
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Unfortunately for me, we've been in some of the rainier parts of the country lately. I am so ready for some sunshine. My emotions are being a bit more fickle because of the constant grey clouds.
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We've added two new states to our list of states we've been to (new to me, not to Ace). I'd tell you how many that is, but I don't currently have access to the numbers.
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One of the recent updates on my laptop has made it more difficult for me to use Word or Excel. This is part of the reason I don't have numbers on the states. This is really annoying me. WTF Microsoft?
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Ace is considering switching trucking companies. Provided we can get answers to questions. Sometimes the weekend comes at inconvenient times.
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I keep having dreams that I only remember like one thing about when I wake up. It's mostly annoying because I don't really seem to care about these dreams, but they won't quite leave my mind. Last night my dream had something to do with hair pulling (and that is pretty much all I remember about it).
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I am still obsessing about Welcome to Night Vale. I don't think I want help though.
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And that's pretty much been it lately. Well, that and lots of sleep, lots of rain/grey clouds, and lots of driving/waiting.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Studying, But Not What I Expected to Be Studying
Well, I am obviously not getting any better about remembering to post while we are on the road. But, I have a good reason lately. I've been working on a project that spawned a second project.
It started like this: I was listening to a sermon that we had playing overnight. It woke me up, and I was awake, so I had little else better to do. In it, the teacher was talking about how his mother had typed up scriptures for the teacher and his wife to stand on when they were believing God for a child. And I thought, "I should look up scriptures to do that." So, I started doing that.
Well, then we took a week's vacation and I relaxed and didn't work on the list. But when we got back on the truck, I started back up. And then I saw a verse that I know I've read before, but it didn't quite hit me the way it did this time I read it. It was Colossians 3:21 and in the Amplified, it reads as "Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]"
So, I looked up all the things not to do to children and how they would become and feel if you did those things. Because words are important, and I wanted to clearly understand what God meant by that. And that lead me to I Corinthians 13:4-8, which is all about love. And I realized that we are supposed to be parents that live what is said about love, which would avoid all of those things.
Basically, I seem to be starting to get a lesson about parenting together, which will hopefully lead back to me getting together my list of scriptures on parenting. (In other news, I know at least one thing that God is obviously gearing me up for, at some point.
So, yeah. I'm over here (and there but maybe not there) doing research about parenting. (No, I'm not currently pregnant. I'm just finishing up my period, thanks for asking.) If nothing else, I should be well prepared when I do become a mother. But the timing seems to be right for doing all this research and getting this information together.
Nicely, I have at least one ministry that I've got CDs from that I know teaches about marriage and parenting. I'll go through all my CDs and make notes soon. I am going to have lots of information on hand about children and parenting. And maybe someday, I'll be teaching others what God and others have taught me.
It started like this: I was listening to a sermon that we had playing overnight. It woke me up, and I was awake, so I had little else better to do. In it, the teacher was talking about how his mother had typed up scriptures for the teacher and his wife to stand on when they were believing God for a child. And I thought, "I should look up scriptures to do that." So, I started doing that.
Well, then we took a week's vacation and I relaxed and didn't work on the list. But when we got back on the truck, I started back up. And then I saw a verse that I know I've read before, but it didn't quite hit me the way it did this time I read it. It was Colossians 3:21 and in the Amplified, it reads as "Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]"
So, I looked up all the things not to do to children and how they would become and feel if you did those things. Because words are important, and I wanted to clearly understand what God meant by that. And that lead me to I Corinthians 13:4-8, which is all about love. And I realized that we are supposed to be parents that live what is said about love, which would avoid all of those things.
Basically, I seem to be starting to get a lesson about parenting together, which will hopefully lead back to me getting together my list of scriptures on parenting. (In other news, I know at least one thing that God is obviously gearing me up for, at some point.
So, yeah. I'm over here (and there but maybe not there) doing research about parenting. (No, I'm not currently pregnant. I'm just finishing up my period, thanks for asking.) If nothing else, I should be well prepared when I do become a mother. But the timing seems to be right for doing all this research and getting this information together.
Nicely, I have at least one ministry that I've got CDs from that I know teaches about marriage and parenting. I'll go through all my CDs and make notes soon. I am going to have lots of information on hand about children and parenting. And maybe someday, I'll be teaching others what God and others have taught me.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Unnamed Trucking Company Letter
Dear Unnamed Trucking Company,
I am sorry that my existence seems to be troubling your lives lately. I know that it's frustrating that I want my husband to actually have some time off. I mean, in your eyes, he's had time off as recently as April and what does he need more time off for anyway?
The thing is, he hasn't really had time off since March. When we took a few days to visit some friends. In April, we were trying to get the truck fixed. And that didn't really happen until we were back on the yard and supervising the fixing ourselves. Even then, we left with one of the main problems still unfixed (unbeknownst to us at the time).
However, it is our 10th anniversary in just over a week. I have demanded only one thing: not to be on the truck (or in a car, really) on our anniversary. It's really the simplest demand possible. I'm fairly sure most wives demand something more impressive for their 10th anniversary, but my desires right now are fairly simple. We even gave you at least most of June for notice that we wanted time off around then and where we wanted to go.
The fact that this notice did not seem to be enough for you is hardly my fault. My husband cannot go back in time to change our anniversary for you. And he wouldn't even if he could.
While we are off the truck, we will be talking with another company. They seem to treat their drivers better, and that appeals to us right now. How things go from there partially depends on their answers and partially on how close to our anniversary it gets before we get off the truck. There are a few other factors, but those are some of the stronger ones right now.
So, Unnamed Trucking Company, maybe in the future you should remember that your drivers are people. They have lives outside their job for you. And if you keep treating them badly, it's not going to go well for your company in the future. After all, truck drivers are smart enough to know when they are being shafted and to ask drivers from other companies how that company treats their drivers.
Cordially,
M.A. Smith
I am sorry that my existence seems to be troubling your lives lately. I know that it's frustrating that I want my husband to actually have some time off. I mean, in your eyes, he's had time off as recently as April and what does he need more time off for anyway?
The thing is, he hasn't really had time off since March. When we took a few days to visit some friends. In April, we were trying to get the truck fixed. And that didn't really happen until we were back on the yard and supervising the fixing ourselves. Even then, we left with one of the main problems still unfixed (unbeknownst to us at the time).
However, it is our 10th anniversary in just over a week. I have demanded only one thing: not to be on the truck (or in a car, really) on our anniversary. It's really the simplest demand possible. I'm fairly sure most wives demand something more impressive for their 10th anniversary, but my desires right now are fairly simple. We even gave you at least most of June for notice that we wanted time off around then and where we wanted to go.
The fact that this notice did not seem to be enough for you is hardly my fault. My husband cannot go back in time to change our anniversary for you. And he wouldn't even if he could.
While we are off the truck, we will be talking with another company. They seem to treat their drivers better, and that appeals to us right now. How things go from there partially depends on their answers and partially on how close to our anniversary it gets before we get off the truck. There are a few other factors, but those are some of the stronger ones right now.
So, Unnamed Trucking Company, maybe in the future you should remember that your drivers are people. They have lives outside their job for you. And if you keep treating them badly, it's not going to go well for your company in the future. After all, truck drivers are smart enough to know when they are being shafted and to ask drivers from other companies how that company treats their drivers.
Cordially,
M.A. Smith
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
On Anniversaries and Changes
Ace and I have our 10th wedding anniversary coming up. We're taking a week off. My only demand has been that we be off the truck by roughly 10pm the night before. (All right, I've also asked for cheesecake, but that is a request, not a demand.)
Ace has never had quite that much time off. At least not since his first break during training.
While we are off, we're going to talk do a different company. We've had a few too many problems lately with the current one. We sat from 7 pm Friday until 1 am Tuesday on Memorial Day weekend. We got paid $270 in compensation for that. None of that actually saw our checking account for various reasons.
We are not amused. And we are tired of Ace being called for favors and getting messed up financially for doing them, with no one willing to help us out in return.
It's coming up to being time for a change.
So, change we are looking for.
(I am still frustrated and tired and overwhelmed by some things. But I'm better, knowing we have a plan.)
Ace has never had quite that much time off. At least not since his first break during training.
While we are off, we're going to talk do a different company. We've had a few too many problems lately with the current one. We sat from 7 pm Friday until 1 am Tuesday on Memorial Day weekend. We got paid $270 in compensation for that. None of that actually saw our checking account for various reasons.
We are not amused. And we are tired of Ace being called for favors and getting messed up financially for doing them, with no one willing to help us out in return.
It's coming up to being time for a change.
So, change we are looking for.
(I am still frustrated and tired and overwhelmed by some things. But I'm better, knowing we have a plan.)
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Waiting Still
I'm still alive. Hopefully, I'll be joining Ace on the truck soon. As it is, I'm still waiting for him to get close enough.
And maybe someday, I'll start trying to figure out why I seem to ignore this blog for a week and a half sometimes.
And maybe someday, I'll start trying to figure out why I seem to ignore this blog for a week and a half sometimes.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Distracted
Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've been distracted with family. Mostly with a dalmatian who decided that I am to be his cuddle buddy. He does not like my laptop being on my lap, and it's harder to type with it on the arm of the couch.
Ace and I now have a radio for our truck (and one month of service). Hopefully I'll be joining him soon (as in the next week, hopefully). It was one of the only things we asked for, and we got it. Go us!
Things are different here, but not a bad different. There are stresses, like the fact that I'm sleeping in the living room, so there is no real privacy. But they aren't hitting me as hard as the stresses of life with Ace's parents.
And I've spent lots of time with my dad, which has been nice.
But Christmas without Ace was not something I want to experience again. I miss him lots, even with being distracted.
And hopefully soon I'll be done with this part of my waiting. Waiting kind of sucks right now.
Ace and I now have a radio for our truck (and one month of service). Hopefully I'll be joining him soon (as in the next week, hopefully). It was one of the only things we asked for, and we got it. Go us!
Things are different here, but not a bad different. There are stresses, like the fact that I'm sleeping in the living room, so there is no real privacy. But they aren't hitting me as hard as the stresses of life with Ace's parents.
And I've spent lots of time with my dad, which has been nice.
But Christmas without Ace was not something I want to experience again. I miss him lots, even with being distracted.
And hopefully soon I'll be done with this part of my waiting. Waiting kind of sucks right now.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Hello from NW Arkansas
So, I am now living with my dad and step-mom. Unfortunately, there have been issues. Not so much with anyone living here. With Ace's truck. He was supposed to be back in it yesterday. Instead, it's in the shop. While Ace is enjoying having time off, we do need him making money again soon.
However, I refuse to let him drive when it isn't safe, and it currently wouldn't be safe to drive his truck. The back light on his gauges works as long as his headlights aren't on. Which is a problem for driving at night. The truck still hasn't been even checked out.
So, we are waiting. And dealing with living in a full house.
On the other hand, I've finally seen The Dark Knight Rises. And I've got nothing to say about the ending, but that I giggled through it. (And how did I forget that Ra's had a daughter? I knew that!)
So, yeah. Life is weird right now.
However, I refuse to let him drive when it isn't safe, and it currently wouldn't be safe to drive his truck. The back light on his gauges works as long as his headlights aren't on. Which is a problem for driving at night. The truck still hasn't been even checked out.
So, we are waiting. And dealing with living in a full house.
On the other hand, I've finally seen The Dark Knight Rises. And I've got nothing to say about the ending, but that I giggled through it. (And how did I forget that Ra's had a daughter? I knew that!)
So, yeah. Life is weird right now.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving
In addition to my NaBloPoMo post, I wanted to post to say Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. If you are traveling this weekend, I hope you stay safe and watch out for animals. One person I care having a near run in with a deer is enough for me. And I do care.
I hope that you get to celebrate with people you love. I wish I was getting to celebrate with my loved ones. Unfortunately, I am celebrating with Ace's family (on Saturday). This provides a conundrum as I am not feeling particularly thankful for that celebration. How does one celebrate being thankful when one is not feeling thankful?
This is the first year I've had to celebrate with Ace's family without Ace being here. In fact, this is the first celebration I've had without Ace since we've been married. I miss him greatly, and I am looking forward to joining him soon. Hopefully I will get to relax while spending the rest of the holiday season with my dad and step-mom.
Anyway, I hope you have a safe and happy holiday if you are celebrating Thanksgiving. And if you aren't, I hope you have a safe and happy day. I hope that for everyday for everyone.
I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. If you are traveling this weekend, I hope you stay safe and watch out for animals. One person I care having a near run in with a deer is enough for me. And I do care.
I hope that you get to celebrate with people you love. I wish I was getting to celebrate with my loved ones. Unfortunately, I am celebrating with Ace's family (on Saturday). This provides a conundrum as I am not feeling particularly thankful for that celebration. How does one celebrate being thankful when one is not feeling thankful?
This is the first year I've had to celebrate with Ace's family without Ace being here. In fact, this is the first celebration I've had without Ace since we've been married. I miss him greatly, and I am looking forward to joining him soon. Hopefully I will get to relax while spending the rest of the holiday season with my dad and step-mom.
Anyway, I hope you have a safe and happy holiday if you are celebrating Thanksgiving. And if you aren't, I hope you have a safe and happy day. I hope that for everyday for everyone.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Depression Sucks
This past week, I started seeing the signs of depression coming on. It's not fully surprising, I'm missing Ace a lot and they shift in how his parents, especially his father, are acting would throw anyone.
I've noticed that right before depression pulls me down, I start having insomnia. I can't convince myself to go to bed and go to sleep. I don't know why, but it's like I'm suddenly afraid to go to sleep, afraid of my dreams (none of which I can remember being particularly bad, but...).
I'm not sunk down as far as I have been in the past. I'm having what feels more like bad emotional days (and exhaustion from the lack of enough sleep). The biggest things are a lack of motivation to do something as basic as feed myself and a feeling so raw/tired/sad all the time. But it's not controlling me (other than the not eating enough thing).
Good news keeps coming in. Slowly. Any bad news is temporary set backs. Nothing to make life suck completely. But enough to make it easier to feel depressed.
The only good thing about Ace having the laptop is that if I want to get online (and I do), I have to get off the bed to do it. Which means no lounging around on the bed in a cocoon of blankets letting myself slip further into depression.
I miss Ace. I miss not being tired, although that will disappear as soon as my body starts working with my brain on sleep instead of against it. I miss just being generally happy.
But I'm so close to finally, finally starting to get back to things being where I want them to be. And that makes me happy, deep down.
Depression sucks. But I'm stronger than it is.
I've noticed that right before depression pulls me down, I start having insomnia. I can't convince myself to go to bed and go to sleep. I don't know why, but it's like I'm suddenly afraid to go to sleep, afraid of my dreams (none of which I can remember being particularly bad, but...).
I'm not sunk down as far as I have been in the past. I'm having what feels more like bad emotional days (and exhaustion from the lack of enough sleep). The biggest things are a lack of motivation to do something as basic as feed myself and a feeling so raw/tired/sad all the time. But it's not controlling me (other than the not eating enough thing).
Good news keeps coming in. Slowly. Any bad news is temporary set backs. Nothing to make life suck completely. But enough to make it easier to feel depressed.
The only good thing about Ace having the laptop is that if I want to get online (and I do), I have to get off the bed to do it. Which means no lounging around on the bed in a cocoon of blankets letting myself slip further into depression.
I miss Ace. I miss not being tired, although that will disappear as soon as my body starts working with my brain on sleep instead of against it. I miss just being generally happy.
But I'm so close to finally, finally starting to get back to things being where I want them to be. And that makes me happy, deep down.
Depression sucks. But I'm stronger than it is.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Unwanted Attention
Ace is currently in training. He seems to be enjoying it, as far as I can tell. At the very least, he isn't hating it.
I, on the other hand, am stuck at his parents' house without his protection. And suddenly my father-in-law has decided to pay a lot of attention to me.
So far, nothing "inappropriate" has happened. Other than I don't want him paying this much attention to me and he keeps touching me without me feeling comfortable about it. He's not touching any place that people would claim is inappropriate. However, if I feel uncomfortable with his touches, it's inappropriate. It bothers me.
My father-in-law is very outgoing. I am an introvert. He likes being around people. I can get enough socialization with one meal to feel content with being alone for roughly a week. Also, it's taken him over 9 years to start trying to open up and welcome me into his family?
Supposedly, he hasn't felt like I've wanted to belong. He's been right about that a lot. I have hidden behind my husband often. My in-laws pry and push and make me feel uncomfortable. I keep lots of things private, because I don't feel like they need to be public. Going out to a meal and talking for an hour makes me uncomfortable (at least it does with them). Forcing physical contact is unreasonable. All it's going to do is drive me away.
I want to be out of here. I desperately want to be out of here. I want to be around my father or Ace, who both understand better my desire to be quiet and left alone. That I'm not big on being touched just whenever someone else feels like it. I want to be around people who understand that sometimes people don't want attention or contact. I want to feel like I don't need to shut myself off just to know that I'll be left alone.
Every time my father-in-law comes into my bedroom to "check up on me", it feels like he's invading my sanctuary. I don't have any place that is safe for just me while I'm living here. That isn't fair. Everyone deserves privacy. And while he doesn't just barge into the room, he also doesn't respect any personal space when he does come in. The only way to keep he from moving past just the doorway is to stand in the doorway, which then puts me in arms reach for more unwanted "affection".
When I leave here, I don't plan on coming back except to get my things moved out. I don't want people who have spent over 9 years feeling like I should make the first move to prove I want to be part of their family. Who makes the new person coming make the first move? And didn't they take me spending time with them while I was dating Ace as an indication that I was trying to, at least sort of, fit in?
I'm just ready to be done with all of this crap. And I just really want to be left alone.
I, on the other hand, am stuck at his parents' house without his protection. And suddenly my father-in-law has decided to pay a lot of attention to me.
So far, nothing "inappropriate" has happened. Other than I don't want him paying this much attention to me and he keeps touching me without me feeling comfortable about it. He's not touching any place that people would claim is inappropriate. However, if I feel uncomfortable with his touches, it's inappropriate. It bothers me.
My father-in-law is very outgoing. I am an introvert. He likes being around people. I can get enough socialization with one meal to feel content with being alone for roughly a week. Also, it's taken him over 9 years to start trying to open up and welcome me into his family?
Supposedly, he hasn't felt like I've wanted to belong. He's been right about that a lot. I have hidden behind my husband often. My in-laws pry and push and make me feel uncomfortable. I keep lots of things private, because I don't feel like they need to be public. Going out to a meal and talking for an hour makes me uncomfortable (at least it does with them). Forcing physical contact is unreasonable. All it's going to do is drive me away.
I want to be out of here. I desperately want to be out of here. I want to be around my father or Ace, who both understand better my desire to be quiet and left alone. That I'm not big on being touched just whenever someone else feels like it. I want to be around people who understand that sometimes people don't want attention or contact. I want to feel like I don't need to shut myself off just to know that I'll be left alone.
Every time my father-in-law comes into my bedroom to "check up on me", it feels like he's invading my sanctuary. I don't have any place that is safe for just me while I'm living here. That isn't fair. Everyone deserves privacy. And while he doesn't just barge into the room, he also doesn't respect any personal space when he does come in. The only way to keep he from moving past just the doorway is to stand in the doorway, which then puts me in arms reach for more unwanted "affection".
When I leave here, I don't plan on coming back except to get my things moved out. I don't want people who have spent over 9 years feeling like I should make the first move to prove I want to be part of their family. Who makes the new person coming make the first move? And didn't they take me spending time with them while I was dating Ace as an indication that I was trying to, at least sort of, fit in?
I'm just ready to be done with all of this crap. And I just really want to be left alone.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Missing Ace
Ace is at his second day of orientation. Hopefully today is going well.
I miss him. This time has been slightly harder than last time. There is nothing coming up to distract me. It doesn't help that I miss my laptop too.
For now, while I still have access to it, I'm spending lots of time on Netflix. It helps keep me distracted. In fact, when I'm not on Netflix, the TV is on. I can't seem to feel comfortable with silence right now.
I miss my husband. But I know that he's going to be making us money soon. And we need that to happen.
It doesn't fully make this separation easier.
I miss him. This time has been slightly harder than last time. There is nothing coming up to distract me. It doesn't help that I miss my laptop too.
For now, while I still have access to it, I'm spending lots of time on Netflix. It helps keep me distracted. In fact, when I'm not on Netflix, the TV is on. I can't seem to feel comfortable with silence right now.
I miss my husband. But I know that he's going to be making us money soon. And we need that to happen.
It doesn't fully make this separation easier.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
No Answers
Last Friday, I went back to truck driving school. I needed to shake off the rust from roughly 30 days of not driving. I spent 4 days working on backing and driving. I learned a lot, and felt frustrated and sore and then on Monday successful. I felt ready to take my test on Tuesday, which was a change from the last time.
I really don't want to talk about that test yesterday. I've got another 30 days before I can test again. It wasn't that I couldn't do the backs (which is where my problems cropped up). There seemed to be some problems with the equipment I was given and I wasn't experienced enough to compensate. I'm surprisingly okay with everything.
But that's not what I wanted to talk about. That's just me updating about what's gone on while I've been away from the blog.
While I was at school, I was asked lots of questions about who Ace and I were going to work for and if he was already driving or waiting on me. I had people asking why Ace wasn't at least working a local job. I had answers for most of the questions, but not all of them. We are still trying to figure things out and some things were complicated.
People keep asking me questions. I don't have answers for them. And I'm feeling frazzled and tired. I don't know any more. Asking me what I want for dinner is kind of too much right now. I don't know and I need to not have anyone ask.
I'm feeling a bit empty. I'm not angry, I'm not particularly frustrated, I'm just mostly numb. The world can just hold onto its questions for a while. They don't need me to attempt to answer them today. Maybe I'll have some answers for them tomorrow.
But for today, let me be.
I really don't want to talk about that test yesterday. I've got another 30 days before I can test again. It wasn't that I couldn't do the backs (which is where my problems cropped up). There seemed to be some problems with the equipment I was given and I wasn't experienced enough to compensate. I'm surprisingly okay with everything.
But that's not what I wanted to talk about. That's just me updating about what's gone on while I've been away from the blog.
While I was at school, I was asked lots of questions about who Ace and I were going to work for and if he was already driving or waiting on me. I had people asking why Ace wasn't at least working a local job. I had answers for most of the questions, but not all of them. We are still trying to figure things out and some things were complicated.
People keep asking me questions. I don't have answers for them. And I'm feeling frazzled and tired. I don't know any more. Asking me what I want for dinner is kind of too much right now. I don't know and I need to not have anyone ask.
I'm feeling a bit empty. I'm not angry, I'm not particularly frustrated, I'm just mostly numb. The world can just hold onto its questions for a while. They don't need me to attempt to answer them today. Maybe I'll have some answers for them tomorrow.
But for today, let me be.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Air Conditioning
The air conditioner is fixed. I don't know what was wrong with it, but I did get to hear how much it would be yesterday. I don't remember how much cost, which is fine because it's not me that's paying for it.
It took most of the night to cool the house down, but now it is back to normal temperatures in the house.
And I'm back to fighting off exhaustion again. Because my body hasn't seemed to fully get away from heat exhaustion yet (if they had fixed the a/c the first time it broke...). Nicely, food helped a lot on helping me feel less exhausted. Unfortunately, that only lasts so long and I can only eat so much before I'm full.
But at least I'm not trying to stay as cool as possible in a 90 degree house (it's not possible to stay cool in a 90 degree house, even with 3 fans helping). Yay for a fixed a/c!
And now I've got other things calling for my attention.
Later.
It took most of the night to cool the house down, but now it is back to normal temperatures in the house.
And I'm back to fighting off exhaustion again. Because my body hasn't seemed to fully get away from heat exhaustion yet (if they had fixed the a/c the first time it broke...). Nicely, food helped a lot on helping me feel less exhausted. Unfortunately, that only lasts so long and I can only eat so much before I'm full.
But at least I'm not trying to stay as cool as possible in a 90 degree house (it's not possible to stay cool in a 90 degree house, even with 3 fans helping). Yay for a fixed a/c!
And now I've got other things calling for my attention.
Later.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Heat Wave
Once again, there are a/c problems in this house. We are on the third person to come to try to fix this a/c unit (2 today, 1 about two weeks ago). Hopefully the problem will be solved quickly and before the day gets really hot.
Unfortunately, it's throwing me back into heat exhaustion territory. Ace isn't watching me drink water like a hawk, but I'm pretty sure he'd prefer to have already gotten me more water this morning (he refilled the water once this morning, but I'm pretty sure he'd rather it have been two or three times).
I don't know how much longer I'll get to use my laptop before needing to shut it down so it won't overheat. I'll let everyone know when I'm in a/c again (we may be making an emergency trip to see my dad, we just don't know yet).
Unfortunately, it's throwing me back into heat exhaustion territory. Ace isn't watching me drink water like a hawk, but I'm pretty sure he'd prefer to have already gotten me more water this morning (he refilled the water once this morning, but I'm pretty sure he'd rather it have been two or three times).
I don't know how much longer I'll get to use my laptop before needing to shut it down so it won't overheat. I'll let everyone know when I'm in a/c again (we may be making an emergency trip to see my dad, we just don't know yet).
Thursday, May 31, 2012
I Think I Have Enough Patience by Now
We are still waiting for Ace to be able to go back and train. It's hard right now, just because every passing day is another day we don't get paid.
In the past, I've prayed for patience. I think it's been decently built up by now (even though I'm feeling impatient today, it's just because we've heard nothing from the company about when Ace might be able to go back).
And now I have to go, because we are apparently running an errand. Yay for getting out of the house!
In the past, I've prayed for patience. I think it's been decently built up by now (even though I'm feeling impatient today, it's just because we've heard nothing from the company about when Ace might be able to go back).
And now I have to go, because we are apparently running an errand. Yay for getting out of the house!
Friday, May 11, 2012
One Down, One to Go
Yesterday, Ace got his CDL Class A. I didn't take my retest, so I get to go test on Tuesday to get my CDL. We both had problems the first time we went to the Department of Public Safety to take our tests (Ace didn't get past the backing, and I didn't pass the driving test).
Yesterday, I sat in our car for half the day, with the air conditioner blowing on me. Whenever I would get out of the car for more than a minute, I felt nauseous and was not in any condition to drive a truck.
Today, I am taking the day off school so that I can have a three day weekend to fully cool down and recover from heat exhaustion (a condition that I've probably been suffering from for most of the past 3 weeks). I'm not overheated any more, but I am still exhausted pretty much all the time. The short trip Ace and I made out this morning sapped what little energy I had.
But we are closer to getting out of here. Even with my overheating problem.
Yesterday, I sat in our car for half the day, with the air conditioner blowing on me. Whenever I would get out of the car for more than a minute, I felt nauseous and was not in any condition to drive a truck.
Today, I am taking the day off school so that I can have a three day weekend to fully cool down and recover from heat exhaustion (a condition that I've probably been suffering from for most of the past 3 weeks). I'm not overheated any more, but I am still exhausted pretty much all the time. The short trip Ace and I made out this morning sapped what little energy I had.
But we are closer to getting out of here. Even with my overheating problem.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Making Plans
Ace and I have been talking, a lot, about our questions about truck driving. It's not the driving part that has us asking questions, it's the other stuff.
"Do they charge for taking showers at truck stops?" "Should we buy laundry detergent that we'll have to figure out how to split while we are in training? Or just buy the smallest bottles we can find and hopefully finish them up quickly after training is over?" "How often will we have days off?" "How often do you think we'll be able to go grocery shopping?" "If we pay this and do that, how much do you think we will have saved up at six months? a year?"
We're trying to get things organized and figure out what we need to take with us when we go for on the job training. Obviously, we'll need clothes, and I'm taking my pillow, but do we need sheets for while we're in training? We obviously will need to eat, but are we going to be driving trucks with food in them or eating out for the most part while we're in training?
On the plus side, we still have over 3 weeks to find answers to most of these questions. We're already planning the purchase of my cell phone, so Ace and I can talk to each other when we are apart during training. We know what phone we are getting (and it's cheaper than when I first found it) and it's not something my in-laws can complain too much about.
I'm excited about our changes, but I'm nervous too. What if I hate driving a truck? (After about a year, it may not matter, because we may make changes that would let me be a housewife again.) What if I suck at it? (Okay, the trucking school wouldn't let me go take a test yet if I suck at driving, but still.) What if I find I can't do it after we've invested all this money into it? (How would that be different from my degree in Accounting, other than the fact that truck driving school is shorter and less expensive?) My questions are most silly and should be all answered in just a few weeks. But they are there for now.
In all this, Ace and I have been doing a lot of talking about our future. And this is a great opportunity for us to pay off all our debts, while leaving our monthly expenses low, and maybe even start investing for the future. We'll still get to spend a ton of time together, and we're planning on getting a wifi hotspot in the truck so we can still get online while we're on the road. Things are looking up. So, I refuse to let my questions keep me down. For every argument I could make about how this could blow up in our face, I've got about a dozen more about how this is the best decision for our current circumstances (and the biggest thing is that we'll be on our own again, so I won't have to deal with his parents' brand of craziness on a regular basis).
Look out USA, here we come.
"Do they charge for taking showers at truck stops?" "Should we buy laundry detergent that we'll have to figure out how to split while we are in training? Or just buy the smallest bottles we can find and hopefully finish them up quickly after training is over?" "How often will we have days off?" "How often do you think we'll be able to go grocery shopping?" "If we pay this and do that, how much do you think we will have saved up at six months? a year?"
We're trying to get things organized and figure out what we need to take with us when we go for on the job training. Obviously, we'll need clothes, and I'm taking my pillow, but do we need sheets for while we're in training? We obviously will need to eat, but are we going to be driving trucks with food in them or eating out for the most part while we're in training?
On the plus side, we still have over 3 weeks to find answers to most of these questions. We're already planning the purchase of my cell phone, so Ace and I can talk to each other when we are apart during training. We know what phone we are getting (and it's cheaper than when I first found it) and it's not something my in-laws can complain too much about.
I'm excited about our changes, but I'm nervous too. What if I hate driving a truck? (After about a year, it may not matter, because we may make changes that would let me be a housewife again.) What if I suck at it? (Okay, the trucking school wouldn't let me go take a test yet if I suck at driving, but still.) What if I find I can't do it after we've invested all this money into it? (How would that be different from my degree in Accounting, other than the fact that truck driving school is shorter and less expensive?) My questions are most silly and should be all answered in just a few weeks. But they are there for now.
In all this, Ace and I have been doing a lot of talking about our future. And this is a great opportunity for us to pay off all our debts, while leaving our monthly expenses low, and maybe even start investing for the future. We'll still get to spend a ton of time together, and we're planning on getting a wifi hotspot in the truck so we can still get online while we're on the road. Things are looking up. So, I refuse to let my questions keep me down. For every argument I could make about how this could blow up in our face, I've got about a dozen more about how this is the best decision for our current circumstances (and the biggest thing is that we'll be on our own again, so I won't have to deal with his parents' brand of craziness on a regular basis).
Look out USA, here we come.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Blackmail
Well, after a long (LONG) talk with Ace's parents a little bit ago, we think they are going to help us with truck driving school. He and I do not have high enough credit scores to get a loan in just our names, but his parents can afford to either co-sign on a loan (at almost no risk to them) or just pay for the class outright. They seem to be likely to do one of those.
But they are using our need of some help as a means to blackmail us into do things for them (we should be out of here in a little over 4 weeks, so it seems silly to us). If their requests were too big or too unreasonable, we would have been much more likely to just decide to ask my dad.
I hate being blackmailed by these two. In fact, I've pretty much decided that after we have finished paying them back all that we owe them, I'm cutting them out of my life. If Ace wants, he can have a relationship with them, but I'm pretty much through. They've burned all their bridges and used all their chances. I have better things to do with my life than to spend it placating people who obviously don't really care for or about me and probably regret that I married their son. There are much more positive and uplifting people who want to see Ace and I succeed in life and be happy that I would much rather spend time with.
I'm frustrated and somewhat angry and I should have been asleep a while ago, but this talk was apparently more important than anything else this evening.
Please tell me I can make it.
But they are using our need of some help as a means to blackmail us into do things for them (we should be out of here in a little over 4 weeks, so it seems silly to us). If their requests were too big or too unreasonable, we would have been much more likely to just decide to ask my dad.
I hate being blackmailed by these two. In fact, I've pretty much decided that after we have finished paying them back all that we owe them, I'm cutting them out of my life. If Ace wants, he can have a relationship with them, but I'm pretty much through. They've burned all their bridges and used all their chances. I have better things to do with my life than to spend it placating people who obviously don't really care for or about me and probably regret that I married their son. There are much more positive and uplifting people who want to see Ace and I succeed in life and be happy that I would much rather spend time with.
I'm frustrated and somewhat angry and I should have been asleep a while ago, but this talk was apparently more important than anything else this evening.
Please tell me I can make it.
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