Thankful

One of the things Gretchen Rubin wrote about in The Happiness Project was being grateful. Between that and the book Ace and I are reading about marriage (not the best book as we keep disagreeing with things said in it and our marriage is doing quite well, thank you), I have been thinking about how much I am grateful for how good a husband Ace is.

And they have caused me to reflect that I say "Thank you" to Ace regularly for him holding open doors for me. He prefers it when I let him get doors and I'm happy to let him, as I like it when he holds open doors. I almost always say "Thank you" and I always mean it when I say it. Sometimes it probably sounds like a subconscious statement, but it never is. I always appreciate his being willing to hold a door like a gentleman.

It's also caused me to reflect on the other things about Ace that I'm thankful for. The man takes such good care of me, even when I'm being cranky or grouchy. He cares and it shows. He cares more about our relationship and my well being than I sometimes give him credit for. Mostly when I'm being cranky or grouchy.

I have a wonderful husband who makes it easy to be thankful that he's in my life. He lets me tease him all the time and while he often teases me back, he never gets his feelings hurt by my teasing (not that I'm malicious). He is my hero. And he's very easy to get along with.

So, I am thankful for Ace. And I love him. Enough to make stupid jokes about silly books. And have serious talks about serious subjects. And to make plans for the future.

Thank you for being the best husband ever, Ace. Hopefully I'm at least as good a wife.

Meet Me in St. Louis

I have the best father in the world. Seriously, no one else is even a contender for the title.

Yesterday, my dad drove me 5 and 1/2 hours to East St. Louis, IL to meet up with Ace and get on the truck. This is only part of the reason he is the best father in the world.

My dad has back problems. He is in constant pain, unless he is doped to the gills. He does not do long car trips if he can help it. When I got up yesterday, he offered to drive me because he knew Ace was delivering near St. Louis. He wanted to see me smiling again, which he got to see every time he looked at me in the rear view mirror yesterday. I'm still smiling.

My father, who should not be in a car for 11 hours, was in a car for 11 hours yesterday to let me be with my husband again. He sacrificed his day and his body to bring me happiness. I will never forget that. Never.

My step-mom also rocks. She came with us, so that if my dad was hurting too bad she could help drive home. She had work today, and she works with little kids (under 2 years old). And she's still recovering from surgery (she seems to be doing well).

Today, I am with Ace. We are on the truck. Tonight, we pick up a trailer full of candy to drive it to Colorado. I don't know if I would be with Ace today if my dad hadn't driven me up here (I did help pay for at least some of the gas for the trip, and it was the least I could do).

I got to see the St. Louis arch up close (we made a wrong turn, and ended up right by the arch). I got to share in a new experience with my dad and step-mom. And I got to join my husband.

I have the best father in the world. And no one can convince me otherwise.

Happy Thanksgiving

In addition to my NaBloPoMo post, I wanted to post to say Happy Thanksgiving.

I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. If you are traveling this weekend, I hope you stay safe and watch out for animals. One person I care having a near run in with a deer is enough for me. And I do care.

I hope that you get to celebrate with people you love. I wish I was getting to celebrate with my loved ones. Unfortunately, I am celebrating with Ace's family (on Saturday). This provides a conundrum as I am not feeling particularly thankful for that celebration. How does one celebrate being thankful when one is not feeling thankful?

This is the first year I've had to celebrate with Ace's family without Ace being here. In fact, this is the first celebration I've had without Ace since we've been married. I miss him greatly, and I am looking forward to joining him soon. Hopefully I will get to relax while spending the rest of the holiday season with my dad and step-mom.

Anyway, I hope you have a safe and happy holiday if you are celebrating Thanksgiving. And if you aren't, I hope you have a safe and happy day. I hope that for everyday for everyone.

NaBloPoMo Day 24

or Things I'm Thankful For

As it's Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to make a list of things I'm thankful for this year.

1. Ace has a job.

2. Ace has motivation to get us back on our own.

3. We've had somewhere to live for the last year and a half. It may not be where we've dreamed of living, but we've had a roof over our head.

4. I have a nice warm blanket to keep me warm when the house is cooler than I'd like it to be.

5. I have a new friend. We're making plans to get to know each other better.

6. I have things I can take and do when my shoulder or back starts hurting.

I'm sure there are many other things that I'm thankful for, but right now these are the things that top my list.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Happy Father's Day!

The other night, I was trying to think of something to write about my dad. I was supposed to be going to sleep, but it seemed important to figure out some way to celebrate my dad on Father's Day, since I wasn't going to get to see him on the day this year.

Then, I remembered how he entertained me while we went grocery shopping when I was younger. He'd tease me in several ways. He'd pretend he was going to bump into all the posts holding up the roof, but that it was my fault because I was in the driver's seat (I kept pointing out that I was just riding, he was steering, but it just kept happening). He would pretend that I was going to be supper (not that I really believed him). He'd scratch my head and tell me that puppies liked to be scratched behind their ears (and that he was just stating a fact when I pointed out that I wasn't a puppy).

I'm fairly certain that half of the purpose of entertaining/teasing me was to entertain and tease himself, but it did keep grocery shopping from being completely dull. I don't remember half the stuff my mom put in the cart or most of the meals she made, but I remember him teasing/entertaining me throughout the grocery store. It takes a special kind of person not to care if someone was going to look at you like you're crazy just to keep your child entertained. And, as much as I feel silly admitting it, I miss that stuff. It was silly and probably annoyed me quite a bit as a child, but it was the kind of thing that started the wonderful relationship we have now.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy! The next time I go grocery shopping, I think of you.

Things I'm Thankful For

I feel like I've been whining and complaining a lot lately. Here on my blog, in real life, in my head. I don't like this. I'm thinking it's time to be focusing on things I'm thankful for.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. Claritin; it's been helping me breathe when whatever is affecting my lungs is messing with me.

2. Ace; he's been especially great while I've been emotional lately. He's been putting up with my non-sense for longer than seems fair.

3. My dad; Saturday, when we go to my brother's graduation, he's buying us lunch and giving us gas money for our trip. He helps make the certainty of seeing my mother seem less bad.

4. Half-priced drinks from Sonic.

5. God; He blessed me with some wonderful people who care about me. He cares about me. Even when people have let me down, He is there for me.

Finding the Positive

Ace and I are trying to focus on things we can be thankful for and things that are positive about our current situation. Sometimes it's a struggle, as we seem to be the sane people in this house.

We keep catching ourselves complaining about various injustices or venting frustrations. And while it's better that we aren't just letting all this anger and annoyance grow unabated, it's not good to only focus on the negatives. That way leads to depression and bad things emotionally.

Of course, my in-laws don't always make it easy to focus on the positives. They feel a need to "helpfully" remind us of things that are fairly negative or they choose the worst possible moment to demand that their "needs" are met (the amount they help us or that their needs are truly important seems to be directly inverse to how much stress they cause or how bad the timing is for us). It's hard to be thankful for the bed you sleep in or the food you eat when the people responsible for them don't seem to care about anything but themselves.

But we do have a fairly comfortable, temperature controlled environment to live in. We do get food provided for us (even if it isn't what we would normally choose). Our car had a heater for the worst part of this past winter (since it was fixed, the heater is not working again, but the solution is hopefully the same one as last time and should be simple to fix when we get it fixed again) and our blinkers are still working fine. We have the ability to get our clothes clean without having to pay for anything. We get taken out to meals we don't have to pay for twice a week most weeks. Because we don't have as many expenses, we have been able to replace both our computers within a fairly short time frame.

We are blessed. I know there are people out there who would love to have even a fraction of the blessings we have (food, shelter, over-all good health). I know this. It doesn't always make it easier to focus on the positives. It's easier to see the negatives, especially when living with people who focus on the negatives most of the time.

It's easy to let the frustrations overwhelm the positives. It's easy to imagine ranting at my brother-in-law for leaving the toilet seat up or tossing all my mother-in-law's "precious" junk. It's easy complain that my mother-in-law is living just this side of a Hoarders episode. It's easy to rail at the idea that Ace and I have to explain where we are going every time we leave but my in-laws can go out to dinner and don't feel the need to let us know we have to fend for ourselves. It's easy to let all these little (and not so little) things pile up until we can't see the blessings.

It's time for a change. We need to focus on the positives in our lives. And I think I'll start by reminding Ace that we need to find 5 things a day to be thankful for (even if it's just that we're alive for another day). I think it will make the rest of the time we are living here (however long that will be) a little less negative.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. Ace: He wants us to focus on the positives as much as I do.
2. God: He's here for me, even when I'm in the middle of a rant that should be cut short.
3. The library: How else would I get a chance to read so many books? And for free!
4. The car: It may not be my dream car, but it gets me where I want/need to go.
5. My new laptop: Even with all my games, I still have 3 times as much free space as I used to!

New Laptop

This is my first post on my new laptop.

I first thought that I wasn't going to get this laptop for a few more hours, but it was decided that we could go buy it earlier than intended. I've started getting everything set up on it and I am excited about my new laptop.

It has been over 4 years since I've had a new laptop that was all mine. I am practically buzzing because of my excitement. Ace is thrilled for me and amused by my giddiness.

I now have roughly 5 times as much space available to me as I had before. Everything is all new and perfect. And best of all, at least to me, I can set everything up how I want it.

Yay!

To My Valentine

Dear Ace,

I know I said I was writing about this past weekend, and I started to but it didn't seem to be flowing well. It was stilted and unnatural. I did appreciate that you found it just as important as I did to go to the marriage seminar we attended. It touched a special place in my heart.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day. Tomorrow I don't know how much time we'll have together, but I know that it won't be as much as I would like. I know that we probably won't get to have a date night tomorrow night, but I am hoping we can go out to eat (even if it's fast food eaten in the car). I know that you would love to take me out to a nice dinner, shower me with chocolate and flowers, and spend time showing me just how much you appreciate our marriage. Hopefully we can do that next year on Valentine's Day.

But, for as much as I wish some things could be different, I am happy to know that you love me. You feel that it's important to spend time with me and talk with me and take care of our marriage. I was thrilled to hear that you wouldn't want to do something momentarily exciting that would endanger our relationship. It made me feel safe and loved.

I love that our conversations flow so easily most of the time. I love that we talk so much and challenge each other to think outside our own points of view. I love that you help my brain stretch and grow. I love that you encourage me to read, even though you don't enjoy reading like I do. You may not love going to the library, but you are happy to take me when I ask. I appreciate that so much and I don't feel like I can find the words to express how much that means to me.

Thank you, for all that you've done, for all that you're doing, and for all that you will continue to do. Thank you for making this relationship feel easy and not like work. I know that we've both worked stuff out in the past to get to this point, but it's felt fairly easy the whole way through. Thank you for listening to me when I talk, it means so much. Thank you for being patient enough to have learned what I can and cannot do at various times. Thank you for understanding that my hormones make my emotions crazy sometimes and that if I'm upset it's probably not really your fault or my fault but the hormones' fault.

Thank you for being my hero by not allowing your family to just order me about. Thank you for being willing to stand up for me and for our marriage. I know that there are women out there who would love it if their husbands did that. Thank you for pushing me to grow without trying to completely change my personality. Thank you for understanding that I don't always know why I like or don't like something or why I feel things need to be this way or that way. It helps that you don't push, you just accept that it's one of my quirks and life goes on.

Thank you for being the perfect husband for me.

Love,
M.A.

P.S.: I love you!

Cabin Fever Averted

Today, my father-in-law proved why he and I can get along decently when my mother-in-law isn't involved.

It all started when he asked Ace if he wanted to go to the store with him. Ace said yes, and I perked up from laying on the bed, wishing that my mother-in-law wasn't assaulting my nauseous stomach with smells of peppers and onion. I quickly shut our door and started changing pants, because there was no way I was staying here, even if my body wasn't sure it WANTED to go anywhere, because I NEEDED to get out of the house for a while to keep my brain sane.

So, we went grocery shopping (Ace's father recognizes that we have different eating habits and that the two of us might want to eat stuff we've chosen). I had originally asked for peppermints and Sprite to be bought for me when my father-in-law went shopping yesterday (he remembered the Sprite, forgot the peppermints), so today I got the peppermints as soon as I went into the store. I also grabbed some saltines and pudding because they were on sale (I was totally willing for us to buy the saltine and pudding, but my father-in-law bought them for me!).

He also got ice cream for everyone (some sugar free/diabetic ice cream for my mother-in-law, and two flavors of ice cream for Ace and I to enjoy), and the ice cream was his idea. On the way home, we stopped to pick up some pizzas and my stomach was nicely soothed the entire trip home by the smell of the pizzas. It was especially nice on the snow covered streets in the neighborhood.

So, I'm no longer feeling cabin fever. I'm just trying to avoid feeling nauseous/exhausted all the time.

Day 30

Today, I'm thankful for one of my cousins (a particular one).

I have mentioned, sometime in the past, that I have lots of cousins, mostly female. This means several things: a cousin of mine seems to be pregnant most of the time, given that I have less contact with my cousins than most of them have with each other I feel left out of most family things, and if I talk about one of my cousins in two different posts I'm likely talking about two different cousins.

One of my cousins sent me a message on FaceBook earlier, inviting me to Christmas. She's trying to organize my mom's family's Christmas, and she wanted to let me know that they would love to see me. She also wanted to let me know that she understands why I've stayed away. It's meant a lot that someone close to my age is actually reaching out, most of my extended family hasn't reached out.

It was an invitation extended without any demand for anything other than a response on if I'd be willing to come. Someone offering an olive branch of peace and a reminder that at least some of my extended family would love to see me.

I haven't decided yet on if I'll go. I need to think about it for a little bit first. I need to figure out if it's a situation I think I can handle emotionally. But the fact that someone, other than an aunt who bruised our relationship, asked means the world to me. It helps me to feel that me reaching out earlier this year has brought about some kind of bigger positive response. It would be nice to see those who I know care about me. I don't want to take too long on this decision, because there are other things that are decided based on my decision, but I also want to make sure I make the right choice for me.

My cousin gave me something that warmed my heart and helped heal some of the hurt that this year has brought. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 29

Today, I am thankful for World of Warcraft.

Ace and I play a lot of WoW. We spent most of the weekend playing WoW, since he wasn't working. It's a game that I don't play nearly as much as Ace does, but it is something we do together.

Day 28

Today, I am thankful for Anthony Bourdain.

I have already professed my admiration for Mr. Bourdain. I've expressed how he makes me want to be more adventurous with my eating. Right now, I am thankful for his book about his show No Reservations.

After reading a book full of words and comparisons on meanings of words, I'm thankful for his book. There are a lot of pictures from his travels around the globe. The pictures are wonderful, and I would love to buy this book just to look at the pictures and dream of seeing these places in person.

But after a wordy book (I will confess, I chose the other book and greatly enjoyed it), it's nice to read a book that gives Tony's thoughts on a country and then shows me lots of pictures (with explanations). There are just the right amount of words to help cleanse my mental palate before delving back into the library for more books sometime later in the week.

Tony, or Mr. Bourdain (whichever you prefer), you've done such a great job writing this that I can hear you narrating it in my head as I read. I only wish that it covered more than just the first 3 years of your show. I can only hope that sometime, in the future, you will put out another similar book about more of the world. But if not, I'll be content with what you have shared.

And now I must go to bed, as it is late (roughly 2:30 in the morning) and my body has been demanding more sleep since I got up.

Day 27

Today, I am thankful for YouTube.

YouTube has provided me with hours of entertainment, listening to music. In fact, if I don't have some song I like on my iPod (and there are a lot I don't), I'll look for it on YouTube. I'll look for songs I do have on YouTube too (if I'm already searching for something else.

I also appreciate watching celebrities from the 40s and 50s on What's My Line on YouTube. I realize that most of the celebrities are dead or no longer working, but it's fascinating to see how they try to disguise their voices.

YouTube is just a fun site for me to go spend time, so I'm thankful that someone (or a group of someones) made the site. Thanks for all the fun!

Day 26

Today, I am thankful that soon Ace and I will have our own place.

I am ready to be out of my in-laws house. I've been ready to be out since we moved in. I am trying to be patient, but I'm ready to go.

But, soon, we will be out of here and on our own. And that's something to look forward to.

Day 25

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, I am thankful for smoked turkey.

Today, I am making a day trip to see my dad and step-mother. My dad smokes a turkey for Thanksgiving (he smokes a turkey and a ham for Christmas, but that's not for a month). It's wonderful.

And now, I must go to bed, so that way I'll be closer to eating smoked turkey. Enjoy your holiday!

Day 24

Today, I am thankful for my step-mother.

I don't talk about my step-mother much, except when talking about my dad. And that's a shame, because she's a special woman.

I met my step-mother the weekend before I graduated from high school. I don't really remember meeting her the first day we met, because I don't really remember much about that day (I was busy thinking about graduation stuff, I imagine). I remember that my first impression wasn't favorable, but it wasn't her fault. I'm pretty sure that at the time, I wouldn't have liked anyone my dad was bringing with him.

But, shortly after I graduated from high school, I got to spend some time with her (2 weeks). I started to get to know her. I think she was nervous about me coming there, as my brother and sister had started to slightly warm up to her right before I got there, but then they almost stepped backwards in any affection until they saw how I reacted to her.

She has treated me kindly ever since I've known her. She's given her love to my siblings and I, and to Ace too. She's never said anything mean, even when I have lashed out in pain (for which I've apologized). She's one of the best cooks I've ever met and she tries to make everyone feel at home in her house.

She's shown incredible patience with my brother and his rambling narrative on his video games, listening (or faking it well) for hours without telling him to shut up (something my sister and I have done). She's tried to give him extra attention, to a degree, since it's obvious that it's been something he's lacked.

My step-mother has made my father happy. If that was all she had done, besides being fairly easy to get along with, I'd love her and be thankful for her being in his life. But, she's also tried to fill some holes in the lives of her step-children where she can.

My step-mother, who doesn't have any natural children of her own, sees her step-children as her children. And I'm happy to call her one of my parents. She doesn't feel a need to add the word step to her relationship with us, and I only add it out of habit.

Day 23

Today, I am thankful that all the relatives I travel to see live within driving distance.

I'm happy to not have to go through airport security. I'm happy that even from Springfield, the drive to Tulsa and NW Arkansas is bearable. That we could drive to OKC from Springfield if needed, with a stop to stretch on the way.

Of course, living in Tulsa currently, the drive to Tulsa anywhere in/around Tulsa is short (10 to 15 minutes, in general). In roughly 2 hours, I can be at my dad's house or visiting my sister in OKC. We can make day trips to either one. And 2 hours alone with Ace is nice.

We have no question that one of us will be screened or patted down by driving. There are no screaming babies or kids kicking our seats (at least, none yet). We can leave our cell phones on and use other electronic devices (such as an iPod). If I take my shoes off, it's because I want to, not because I need to let them get x-rayed.

It's nice to know that we live close enough to drive, that flying would actually take us longer than driving. It's nice to know that our only delays are the ones we make for ourselves. Our privacy isn't invaded. No one checks our luggage/pats us down/x-rays us. We can buy whatever we want to drink from wherever we want to. And at the end of our trip, I'm not exhausted just from getting through the airports, so I can enjoy spending time with family or I can enjoy being home again.

So, I'm thankful for being within driving distance of my family. Because right now, the idea of flying somewhere isn't appealing.

Day 22

Today, I am thankful for naps, as I'm fairly sure I'm going to need one today.

Last night, I stayed up too late. I got caught up reading stuff online and found that it was way later than I expected. I got up to go to bed and realized that I was hot, so I stripped down before climbing into my bed.

Unfortunately for me, I have to be just right temperature wise to go to sleep, so sleep took a while in coming. Eventually, the fan (that was already on) cooled me off enough for me to sleep.

Roughly 2 hours later, I woke up feeling cold. I had to get up and get dressed in order to go back to sleep. I also turned the fan down so it wasn't moving quite as much air.

30 minutes before my alarm went off, I woke up cold again. I put a blanket on top of me and dozed for the next 45 minutes (I slept in, partially because I didn't want to get out from under my nice warm blanket).

And now, I think I may go take that nap I'm already thankful for. The bed is calling me, loudly, and I don't think I want to resist.

Day 21

Today, I am thankful for my sister.

Since Thanksgiving is coming up, I'm thinking of my family lately. Especially my sister. My sister has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. I've seen her give of herself when she didn't have to. She offered to help Ace and I last year when we had our big, unplanned move (in order to let us keep a few more things than just what we could fit in our car).

This offer was after picking me up and then dropping me back off at my old house so that all three of us siblings could go see our dad to see that he was fine after his accident (she dropped me off and then drove back to Tulsa from OKC the next morning after probably not enough sleep). This was a trip that she coordinated. She offered to let me sleep on the one free bed available when we got there too.

I wish she and I could spend more time with each other. We love each other dearly. I know that we get along so much better now that we no longer live together (especially since we don't share a room). We miss each other and both wish we lived closer together. My sister shows me what kind of person I could be, if I would just stop focusing on myself so much. She's one of my heroes, even though she's 10 years younger than I am.

One of my favorite pictures of my sister and I is from when she was 2 and I was 12. We're playing doctor. I'm all dressed up in a dress (probably for church) and she's still in her nightgown. There's a glare or something, it's hard to determine what without the physical picture. The picture isn't perfect, but it's just such a sweet moment in time. It's two sisters, despite their age gap, playing together. It's something I wish I remembered from back then. I wish I knew what happened next.