I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist

I don't normally talk that much about my faith, because to me it is a personal thing. But, I would like to say that I think being an atheist takes a lot more faith than believing in God.

It takes more faith, because you have to believe that randomly, by chance, life happened on this planet, where it would be safe from all the other space things, it wouldn't be too warm or too cold, and the atmosphere would be just right for humans to live. I don't have that much faith. You also have to have enough faith to realize that you don't know where the things that created the universe as we know it came from (even if you believe in the Big Bang, where did the stuff that the big bang came from?). I only have to try to convince myself that God was here before time and will be here long after time is gone, which isn't nearly as hard to do.

I don't have to convince myself that things that should be impossible, like bumblebees, are some random chance. I don't have to believe that I am descended from monkeys. And I'm glad, because I don't think I have that much faith.

When I see the universe at night (when I can), it always makes me feel small and I realize that I'm a tiny dot on a tiny dot. But it is beautiful and shows me that God exists and cares for me, even if I am a tiny dot on a tiny dot.

So, today, I am thinking about how I don't have enough faith to be an atheist. Besides, it sounds like too much work to believe all that.

TTFN!

P.S.: Look for what I've learned on the last two weeks of the Baby Borrowers this weekend. Probably Saturday.

Setting Goals for My Life

Tonight, Ace and I decided to start trying to figure out some goals for us to work on starting soon. So, I set a couple of goals.

One is the obvious, become a parent. I figure I shouldn't stop focusing on that goal until it's accomplished. I've also decided to start looking at furniture and clothes that are necessary for having babies.

My other goal is to learn sign language. I've been interested in sign language most of my life and have been wanting to learn for a while. Basically, my goal is to actually do something toward learning, like taking classes. I'm hoping to convince Ace to take them with me.

But, for now, those are my goals. I don't know what my next goals will be, but I've at least got some goals for now.

TTFN!

Visiting Friends

Today, Ace and I went up to see some friends (at their office) that we haven't seen in a long while. We were reminded to not wait so long to see them again. We made plans to have one of them come over in a few weeks for an evening.

Ace and I need to make sure we spend more time with our friends, because we don't do that often enough. And we need to change that, because being around friends lowers my stress level and gets me happy and excited (which doesn't happen nearly enough).

YzArC has also been invited to visit here if she can and/or wants to come. Hopefully, she'll be visiting soon.

Well, I'm going to go back to watching TV with Ace.

TTFN!

Thoughts of My Mother

Ace and I discussed his recent thoughts on me trying to have a relationship with my mother again. He reminded me that his plan from the beginning was to let me decide how I wanted to that relationship to be resolved. I reminded him of his question to me on if I would ever truly be able to fully relax around my mother, or if I would be waiting for a shoe to drop, even if I felt I had evidence that she had truly changed.

All of that got me thinking of planning our wedding. We originally thought of having our parents and a couple of friends in a private ceremony and then having a bigger ceremony a year later when we could afford to do it right.

My mother whined that we didn't even want to allow her to invite her sister (I wasn't aware they were all that close, since I didn't see my aunt all that often), and if her sister couldn't come, she didn't really want to be there either. Besides, if we got married and then had a large ceremony the next year, everyone would think we were doing it for the presents (um... no, we wanted people to see the ceremony, we just wanted to do it how we wanted it). And all I could think then was that suddenly my wedding wasn't about me anymore, which made me sad, because who else is the wedding supposed to be about than the bride (and the groom, but Ace was helping plan it).

So, instead of a small wedding to create a legal union before having our dream ceremony (we weren't necessarily going to tell everyone we were married that year instead of the next), we had a medium sized wedding that wasn't fully what we wanted. It was beautiful and I have good memories of it, but it wasn't really my dream wedding.

It did have Ace and I deciding that we are going to let our kids plan their weddings for them, instead of for us. We won't ask to invite anyone (they can ask us if we want to invite people, but we aren't forcing them to invite anyone), we won't even ask them to invite us (if they don't want us there). We want them to be satisfied with their wedding and to remember that it was all about them.

It's been over 2 years since I've even seen my mother any place other than my dreams. For my birthday the year I stopped talking to her, she sent me a card, with a check, to my in-laws (a passive-aggressive move? trying to get an ally? who knows?). I signed the check over to my church (she didn't particularly care for where I was going to church). For Christmas that year, she sent a card, with cash, along with my brother and sister to my dad's, we spent the money on a massage for me and gave the rest. She didn't do anything for my last birthday and at Christmas this last year she only sent a card with nothing else in it (I've sent her no correspondence at all).

I think the point of the cards was to show she was trying to maintain contact (even though I asked her not to contact me at all). The only type of contact that was offered was her e-mailing Ace to find out how I was, if I was still mad, and that sort of thing. Guess how often that's happened (here's a hint, never).

Well, that's enough about relationship, or lack there of, with my mother. I'm going to relax and watch TV.

TTFN!

A Letter to Me

Dear me,

Take a mental break. Stop thinking so much. You're not doing us any favors.

Find things to make yourself smile. I miss smiling.

And go eat something, because we are hungry.

Love,
Me

What Do You Do?

What do you do when you can't find the shoes you were intending to wear to your husbands high school reunion?

You get him to help you find them, after wondering if you were foolish enough to really toss them like you had threatened to do.

High School Reunion

Tonight starts Ace's high school reunion. We're just about to go out to dinner with some of the people he graduated with.

I'm somewhat excited about getting to meet people he knew back in high school.

I've gotta go, we need to leave.

TTFN!

What Guillermo Thinks

Ace and I spend a lot of time joking about what we think the dog thinks.

"He thinks we're crazy." "He wants food." "Leave me alone already people!" "You've got food, you might give it to me, therefore I must stare at you." "Food! Food! FOOD! FOOD!" "I'm going for a ride! Oh, wait, they're leaving me here."

Of course, we still can't figure him out when there is a vehicle that is open and you say in (pointing to the house) and he jumps in the car. He apparently feels the need for rides more often than he gets them.

But mostly, I think he just thinks "I'm hungry!", "Fetch?", or "Can I go for a ride? Can I? Can I?" and usually, it's not a good time for that.

Later!

The Dark Knight

Well, I got to see The Dark Knight last night.

I'm not sure there are words to describe how I feel now. I'm in awe.

It was a wonderful movie. The visual effects were wonderful. Heath Ledger did a wonderful job, and I wish he were around to be in one in the future. But, I could see how playing a character like that could take a lot out of him emotionally. Who could work so long playing someone so insane without it taking a toll.

Christian Bale plays Batman and Bruce Wayne wonderfully. The way he changes his voice between Batman and Bruce Wayne was inspired. It helps to distinguish between the two, while helping to hide who Bruce Wayne really is from Batman's allies.

Aaron Eckhart did well as Harvey Dent. He was impressive as a heroic figure. I only have one minor complaint, but I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone. And, they could correct my complaint in a future movie.

Overall, the movie was worth the wait. Of course, I've been waiting since I first heard it was coming out, but it was worth the wait.

TTFN!

One Word

BATMAN!

Sex

I mention, at least from time to time, that Ace and I have sex, but I never really talk about it. I never mention anything aside from the fact that it is good (great, wonderful, marvelous, close to perfect). I think part of it is that I'm semi-slightly prudish when it comes to talking about sex with anyone but Ace (and I'm hoping to get over it in one post... wish me luck).

We have sex in different was at different times (and no, I'm not talking positions, because I need to maintain at least a slight air of mystery about my sex life).

There's the passionate sex: the kind where we (or at least I) want it hard and fast and don't really want much foreplay. The kind where I say "Fuck me now" and Ace knows exactly what I mean.

There's the sensual sex: where Ace licks, kisses, and caresses me until I'm ready to ask him to please move this into the passionate sex area, because my mind thinks it's going to explode. And he refuses for a while. And it feels so good, I wish he would move a little faster, just to take away the slightest bit of the pleasure, because I can't mentally handle it (and he still refuses).

There's the foreplay only: neither of us really wants sex, we just want to have fun. It could possibly lead to sex, but I seriously doubt it. This is rare and usually involves me giggling WAY too much.

There's the relief sex: only one of us is interested in sex (more often Ace, sad to say) and we're only having sex for that one person. This is rare and not very fulfilling. This is probably the lowest form of sex out there.

There's the slow-moving sex: this is related to the sensual, but Ace is more willing to move into passionate sex whenever I ask him too. This is the most common, as I'm sure it is in most couples. It's relaxed and friendly, but lots of fun.

What talk about sex would be complete without talking about mood breakers?

There's the bodily function mood breaker: I think this is rather self explanatory. If not, e-mail me at a_masmith at yahoo dot com and I'll tell you straight out what I mean.

There's the phone call mood breaker: especially bad when it's a relative. Few thing kill desire faster. It's extremely hard for me to get back in the mood after this one, because...

There's the random emotion mood breaker: you suddenly shift from being in the moment, enjoying the sex, to being 500 miles away emotionally (at least, that's how it feels). It's hard to recover from this, but it can happen.

Yeah, that's all the mood breakers coming to mind just now, but I'm sure there are plenty of others out there. If you think of one, let me know.

TTFN!

What I've Learned from "The Baby Borrowers" Part 4

Well, I've watched another episode, and it's time for me to tell what I've learned from this episode.

1. You can't just be a friend to your kids. Otherwise, they will walk all over you.

2. There are seriously people out there who think they can not eat veggies and still have their kids eat healthy (really?). Everyone I've seen who doesn't eat right has kids that don't eat right either.

3. I'm still convinced that most of these teens will not still have a relationship at the end of this experience.

4. When you have an evening alone, it's probably better to spend it alone instead of with a friend (at least, it's a good idea if you and your significant other already have a rocky relationship).

5. Try different things to entertain your kids. You'll never know if sitting and doing math problems will be entertaining and fun unless you just try it (do take your cues from the kids).

6. You can't ignore kids just because they are fighting. They could be bored. You need to try to find them something else to do.

7. 3 boys are going to need a lot of attention and things to do, otherwise they are just going to make a mess and play fight a lot (actually, this can happen with any number of boys/girls).

8. No one should have a sleepover with roughly 10 kids of all different ages. That's just asking for madness. And for someone to get hurt.

9. Contrary to popular opinion, girls will fight just as much, if not more so, than boys. And it can get violent and painful.

10. Good discipline techniques can be hard to come by, but when you stick to them, they will effective (even if it's just for the short term)

11. Preteens can be fairly easy to get along with too, unless they are throwing a fit.

12. Some teens will listen better if you sound like you are concerned about them, even if they didn't respond well the first time that someone had a concern about the kids (and the teens).

So, I learned a lot watching the latest episode.

I'm just wondering who leaves, because at this point, it could be anyone. And thus, I am even more excited for this next episode.

What did you learn from this episode?

There Comes a Buzzing

I'm reading the posts that were read at BlogHer '08 (since I'm nowhere near there, but am at home watching The Phantom of the Opera, for some reason I'm not fully clear on) and it's reminding me of about a billion things I've never said here that seem somewhat important. And then I hear a buzzing in my head over the fighting of which thing seems most important to post first (which, sadly, drowns out the pretty music coming from the TV).

I guess the thing that seems most important is the fact that I fight my fears that I could ever be even remotely like my mother. And that I avoid thinking about my past, because it feels like an ugly mass of scar tissue. And I don't know how to remove the ugly parts from the pretty ones (there are, obviously, good times sprinkled in with the bad). I avoid thinking about why most people, the ones who I know love me the most, are pushing me to even think about restoring contact with someone who has hurt me so much, while complete strangers (and some people who care about me) are happy to let me make my own choices. How is it that these loved ones don't see that their pushing hurts just as much as those memories I try to avoid? That while I look whole, there is really a piece that doesn't work like it should? That to stop hurting and cringing about my phone ringing, I cut off contact with the person who caused the pain in the first place?

I also am thinking about the fact that I sometimes avoid technology. It's not because I'm afraid of technology, but because I don't want to give myself something else that I can hardly drag myself away from. I avoided joining MySpace for so long that I think I was the only one under 30 who didn't have an account. I don't really feel the need to have others judge whether or not I was worthy of being their friend online, I feel funny enough about that in real life (blogging, on the other hand, doesn't bother me at all). I'm avoiding joining Twitter, because I let other people's blogs take up enough of my day without adding their twitters to the process too.

And those things, which are now content to relax since they've been let out, are what I heard buzzing in my head. I'll try not to wait so long to express myself next time, because I don't particularly care for the sound.

TTFN!

2 Quick Questions

Can anyone tell me why my body seems to heat up every evening Ace works sometime between 10 and 12?

And why is my first thought to take a warm bath when this happens?

Obsession?

Tonight, the plan is to go see The Dark Knight. Around 11:30, hopefully, we'll leave our house to go to the theater to see the 12:01 or 12:02 showing.

If we don't make it to see the movie tonight, we're waiting until next Tuesday for the latest showing then.

I will see this movie in the theaters, if I have to go by myself (which I shouldn't).

Do I sound obsessed?

The Crash After

People, I've had a lot of energy lately. I got all the clothes put away (for, like 24 hours). I got the dishes caught up and clean.

And now, I'm fighting to stay awake at 10:30, a time I'm normally fine with being awake at. Because my energy has crashed.

But, I should have more energy tomorrow (at least I'll have the option to relax and not do anything if I want tomorrow night).

ZZZ....

Are You a Leader?

I, as a general rule, am not a leader. I don't like to be in charge of other people (at least people roughly my age).

But, I like that there are leaders out there. It's a good thing. I sometimes wish that there were some better leaders, but at least there are leaders out there.

So, are you a leader?

He Seems to Like Getting in Trouble

Again, the dog has done something stupid.

Ace made up some cinnamon monkey bread (it seems he wanted some) and had left some for me. I went back to bed for a little while after I got up (I took a nap, because I didn't want to argue with myself on a 30 minute nap). After I got up, I went to go get food. By this point, I had forgotten about the monkey bread, until I saw a plate on the floor.

The dog ate the monkey bread that Ace had left for me, partially because I didn't do anything with it before I took my nap (frankly, I had forgotten already and had somewhat assumed that it was put where the dog couldn't get to it).

Guillermo is currently outside, where he will stay at least until Ace gets home from work.

And I don't get paid enough to deal with a dog that does things he knows are wrong.

What I've Learned from "The Baby Borrowers" Part 3

Okay, I watched Friday, but I've had to give this episode some time to sink in, because I was a little overwhelmed with other things Friday.

1. Teenagers and toddlers apparently have a lot in common, especially their attitudes. It is apparently helpful for the teenagers though, because everything seemed to go fairly well.

2. Communication is important, because otherwise those teens are going to be scolded by the nannies. And they deserve it.

3. Just because you're good with infants doesn't mean you'll be good with toddlers. Even if you start off well. Just because you didn't do so well with the infant doesn't mean you'll do badly with the toddler. Maybe you'll finally find your stride.

4. Every guy should be a stay-at-home parent at least one day. It'll show them how hard it is and how much work is really being done while they aren't there.

5. It's not going to get any easier from here.

6. Birthday parties should consist of a least a little more than kids running around playing and a birthday cake. Presents should be included too.

Anything you've learned?

Housework

After taking a couple of weeks to do almost nothing to help my shoulder heal, I now have a lot of housework to catch up on. It's kept me kind of busy the past two days. In fact, I need to go do another load of dishes right now.

How is it that even when we don't use many dishes, they pile up so quickly?