The Importance of Words

I've realized something over the course of my life. Words are important. They have lots of meaning. They can be used to convey lots of things.

I can tell a lovely story of how Ace and I met. I can paint that picture with words and make it come to life. You can feel like you were right there.

Or I can tell a story of how my mother emotionally abused me. How she made me feel small, quiet, and defenseless. I can pull at those emotional strings and leave you feeling bad for me.

Words have meaning and power. How we use them can be tricky. I can say something that is perfectly true while implying something that isn't. Or I can be frank and honest, but still not effectively communicate.

I don't know that I've always had a love of words. I've always felt more comfortable in books than in real life. And all those books have given me a big vocabulary. They have shown me that words are important. The meanings of words are important.

I want to tell a story (not here, at least not right now). The words I choose for that story are important. I want to show the truth of real life, even if it's hidden in behind a veil of fiction. When I chose names for my characters, I picked carefully. Names have meanings, and I wanted the meanings of my character's names to be related to their character. And it was a great start.

Words have meanings. And that makes them important.

P.S.: Yeah, this post seems to be a bit choppy, sorry. I can't seem to find the right words to express myself. Ironic, given the topic of the importance of words.

It Doesn't Seem to End

I've been a little distracted lately. I've been doing a lot of reading on adoption. And two of the three days I took off from doing that, I spent not moving much because my back was hurting (the third day, Ace and I were running errands all afternoon, which is when I read).

I'm happy to be learning a lot of what I need to know, but I'm slightly frustrated that the more I research the more I find I need to research to feel like I can understand everything I want to understand. There is no real end in sight and that pleases me and frustrates me at the same time.

Once I start finding info on special needs kids (any kid roughly school aged who can be adopted is considered special needs), I start finding out I need to do more research on what problems I can expect special needs kids to exhibit. I need to understand what issues they would have based on being in the system, plus whatever problems created by their birth family situation, plus whatever issues might pop up from being pulled from one or more sets of parents.

It's difficult to read about this stuff. It's somewhat discouraging for me. I want to adopt an older child at some point. It's not like I had any questions that my future adopted child would have issues from their past, but I don't think I had fully thought about how difficult it might be to raise them before now. It's not that I don't think I can handle it or be a parent to an older child, but it's frustrating to see things written to be honest that feel discouraging.

I am getting the impression that there will never fully be an end to what I could research. There is no point where I've learned everything I can, there's just a point where I decide I've done enough research, that I know enough, and I put researching adoption back on the shelf in my mind until Ace and I are ready to move forward with adopting a child. And then I will do more research and more pointed research.

Every book I look at mentions websites and other books. Every website will probably point me to other websites and books. It doesn't seem like there is an end of resources. But I'm not devoting the rest of my life to researching things for this book. I'm feeling fairly confident in my understanding of the process of adoption, now I'll research the potential emotional implications. Then I'll try to move onto another topic to research (I still have a few other things to research after adoption, adoption was just the biggest one).

Productive Use of Time

This past week, Ace and I have been sleeping at night. Since we had been sleeping during the day, this is kind of a big deal for us.

Because I've been up during the day, I've been finding many productive uses of my time. Things like doing laundry. And it's not just that I've been productive, I've been actively wanting to get things accomplished.

Today, Ace and I went to the library. It's been a while since we've gone, so I was happy to go back. I've now got some research to do for my book (and a book to get research from, how convenient). The better I understand what I'm writing about, the better the book will be.

I'm just happy to feel like I'm being somewhat productive again.

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

For my book, I've had to look up info on stalking. The whole thing sounds horrific from a victim's standpoint. It's good on one hand, because it'll be able to make my main character more believable in her fear.

However, it's taught me things I wish I didn't know. Things about how often women report stalking behavior. Things that a huge part of me will never be able to forget. It'll add things to my book, it'll make my book more real, it'll potentially give me nightmares.

I wish stalking wasn't a problem. That people didn't obsess or took no for an answer. That everyone who's been stalked would be able to feel safe as soon as they can get away from their stalker. I wish stalking was something that never happened.

So, yeah. That's where I'm at right now.

Plotting a Plot

I took some time off to start feeling better emotionally again. I know why my emotions were raw and why I was fighting off depression, but it wasn't anything worthy of a post. It was just stuff with my in-laws still bothering me.

Instead of focusing on that, I'm going to focus on my book. Lately, I haven't been writing on it, but I have been fleshing out my characters more and adding parts to my plot. The only problem with that is that all this work has been done when I've been away from my computer, so all my notes are slightly scattered and need to be gathered together.

But I'm starting to get a much fuller idea as to who at least some of my characters are and what happened in their pasts, which helps to determine what they'll do now. I still need to work on a few other characters, to round them out more. They need more dimensions than 2. My bad guy is still fairly flat. He needs some depth. Even if I never explain his background, I need to know some of it.

But I'm happy that my plot is coming along. I'm okay with not working on the actual book portion right this second, since I'm still working on the book. It's funny, because I already know the main plot of this book, but the details are starting to come together. I already know that one of my characters is clamoring for her own story to be told. And I know, roughly, what I want that story to be. Once upon a time, I never dreamed that I'd be writing a book, let alone that book having a sequel. But here I am, plotting them out, working on telling these stories.

And maybe someday soon, I'll be writing this book out, instead of trying to get all the details and such organized. Won't that be a wonderful day!

As I Lay Trying to Sleep

Saturday night, as I was trying to get some sleep, I finally figured out some key things for my novel (the one I'm supposed to be writing, but hadn't been able to in a long time). I finally felt like I broke through some block that was keeping me from writing.

I wish I could say that thoughts coming to me as I'm trying to sleep was new, but it's not. My brain could be half asleep and I could be drifting off to sleep until my head hits the pillow and then my brain decides it's time to wake up. And often it's the time when I have amazing insights into things.

And all of that would be great, except... Except that I'm supposed to be going to sleep. And those insights, they wake me up more. My brain starts making more connections to things, and figuring more things out and I feel the urge to get up and make notes about whatever it is that is going through my head. Then I feel tired the next day, because I didn't get enough sleep, because I had this stuff in my head that "needed" to be dealt with right then.

On the plus side, I have a place to start working on my book again. I can be creative. Hopefully, the book will content itself to my waking hours and let me sleep when I'm trying to sleep. Hopefully my characters won't start demanding more of my bedtime.

And those are the kinds of things that happen as I lay trying to sleep.

Let's Talk About Adoption

Ace and I aren't talking about us adopting a child at this point. We're not ready to meet all the criteria for someone to be willing to let us raise a child (I know they want you to support yourself and have enough funds to support a child before they hand over a kid). That doesn't mean that I'm not reading up on adoption though.

My reasons are two fold. One, I want to adopt someday and I want to have the knowledge of how the process works and what to expect when raising an adopted child. Especially since I'm not talking about adopting a baby, but want to adopt a slightly older child, which adds to potential problems. Two, my book includes a guy who has adopted, so I need to be knowledgeable about how that happens to make my book realistic.

I originally got interested in learning more about adoption after finding out/understanding that my dad is adopted (it wasn't a big secret, I just didn't really understand what that meant for a long time). My grandmother adopted him when he was 3 days old. In college, I did a research paper on adoption, because the subject interested me. I talked with someone on campus who adopted. Interestingly for me, he had questions about my view of adoption, seeing as I was the child of an adoptee. Mostly he wondered if I wondered about my biological grandparents. To be honest, until he asked I hadn't really thought about them, but after that I was slightly curious (not curious enough to do anything about it, just curious enough to wonder).

I do think that my grandmother's decision to adopt has helped me make a similar decision. It showed me, in a very understated way, that a person could choose to love someone, that families come together in more than just one way. I love my grandmother, and I know that she loves me. But the connection we have to each other is one that was chosen, because it's not one that's based on DNA.

I won't compare my grandmothers' affections towards me, as that would be unfair to both of them. My mom's mom had 7 children. To her, I'm one of many grandchildren (at least 14, and now there are many great-grandchildren in the picture). To my dad's mom, I'm one of 3 grandchildren and I was the only one for a long time. I'm special, because she helped take care of me when I was still in diapers. She helped raise me, to a degree. And for a little while, it looked like I'd be her only grandchild. But they both love me. And that is what is truly important in my life.

I don't know quite where I'm going with all of this. I may never fully figure it all out. I just know that someday, I plan on adopting a child. I'm not sure if I would have ever decided that without my grandmother doing it first. But she did and I do. And now I'm going to go read about adoption.

Jumbled

Lately it seems like my emotions are all jumbled up. I can't seem to feel just one thing at a time (other than pain, but that's not an emotion). Everything is tinged with something else (tinged is a great word).

My thoughts aren't feeling very linear either. They go off in different directions. I'm feeling easily distracted.

It's left me swinging back and forth between being quiet and rambling on and on about nothing in particular while jumping topics way too often (Is that just a girl thing?).

My book, the one I'm supposed to be writing, is waiting until Ace and I are living on our own, because the whole thing seems to have taken a leave of absence (Without permission! My book is AWOL!). I'm hoping that getting back on our own, surrounding ourselves with only our things will help me focus again. For now, it's looking to be sometime in July before we are going to be able to move, so my original plan on writing the whole book this year looks to be torpedoed.

So, yeah. I've been trying to organize my thoughts in some way, but it's been hard. And now I'm off to some other distracting thing, because that's what I've been doing lately.

Research

I've been doing lots of research for my book. I've been looking up things that I plan on doing or having happen to my characters to ensure that my book has a realistic feel to it. Some of the stuff I've learned has been interesting (like how a broken bone repairs itself). Some of the stuff I've learned has been scary (like what stalking is).

Some of my research has been about learning how not to write some scenes, scenes I'm not 100% sure I'm going to write. That's been enlightening in a different way. People don't always know the proper terms to use, don't know anatomy (I don't know where everything is, but I do know enough anatomy to avoid major mistakes and can research what I don't know), or try to use odd euphemisms when they write. The end result makes you think a teenage girl is writing the story and she has no personal experience on which to base her writing.

The process of researching seems just as vital to writing to me as figuring out my characters' stories and how to best tell them. Knowing what my characters would need to do to accomplish their tasks here allows me to make their world much more concrete and realistic.

While doing my research, before starting my book, I researched names. I wanted my characters to have names that meant something about their character, even if I was the only one who ever knew that their names were meaningful. I didn't take a ton of time doing it, but I did check a couple of sources to ensure that the definitions I had were the right ones for the names.

One of my characters has already given me an idea for a sequel. She wants her own story told, so when I finish this book, I'll start researching for the next book. Since I plan on setting part of the sequel in Europe, Ace is encouraging the idea of us traveling to Europe for research purposes, something I'm all for us doing.

And that, my friends, is one of the things I've been doing for the past few months.

Getting Organized

Earlier, I spent some time working on my new 3x5 cards getting some things organized for my writing. I now have cards for all my main characters. They are all described physically (looks, age, height) and I have other important information written down to help me keep all my characters straight when writing. There's only 9 characters, but I don't want to describe them in two or three different ways and have to make major changes later.

Since 3x5 cards aren't sold in packs of 9, I have plenty of other cards for any additional information I may need to add to these cards (not that they are full yet, but it never hurts to have extra cards around). Or plenty of cards for whatever future book I may write (I know, one step at a time).

Doing this feels like an important step forward in my book. I have the characters mapped out decently and organized. I have their full names, as well as nicknames, and their important info all together for quick review if need be. Instead of a long page full of info, I have something small and easy to shuffle around. I even have plans for if the info goes past the first card on how to keep (or return) order among my info.

I may not have written any more on my book yet, but I feel like I've accomplished something on my mental list of working on writing. It's a start.

Shifting Focus

I have been spending almost all my time lately focusing on anything and everything other than writing. I realized earlier today that I'm avoiding writing anywhere.

I've been ignoring this blog, not because it means so little to me, but just because there is something shiny over there and I want to read this over here and there's this game to play and I'll get to it in a little while, make that tomorrow, what do you mean it's been a week since I updated?

I need to shift my focus. I need to force myself to write (not that I actually have to force the words out once I start, I just need to force myself to start).

So, I'm going to shift my focus. I'm going to intentionally work on writing, either here or on my book or, preferably, on both. I'm going to make myself start writing and let the words flow. I'm going to stop distracting myself.

I'll never finish my book if I don't work on writing it. And I'd like to finish it by the end of the year at the latest, which means I need to get writing.

Quiet

The last few months, I've been quieter here than normal. I'm not really sure what to say about it, other than I've been distracted with the boring details of life and I haven't wanted to write about those.

I imagine that as I work on my book (when I start working on it again, hopefully soon), I'll probably be distracted with that more, so I will probably continue to write here less. Probably.

Or, something major could happen in the next few days and I'll be spending the next few months writing here about that. I don't know.

So, until I'm wordy here again, it'll probably be quiet. And that's okay too.

Distracted

Ever since I reclaimed contact with my extended family by joining FaceBook, I've been distracted. It's gotten worse as the month has gone on. Based on how I'm doing today, after being so distracted yesterday that I couldn't concentrate on just one thing for more than what felt like 5 minutes, I'm getting a little better now.

I think some of my distraction is that my emotions are being all riled up because I'm connecting with people I haven't been around in a long while. Add to that friends from days gone by and delving into my head to write a story I first thought of during college and my emotions are having trouble keeping up.

Then heap on the stress load some part of me seems determined to keep and it's not surprising I'm feeling teary eyed over someone caring about me enough to act like she is my own personal cheerleader. I've overloaded my brain and it's coming out as distraction.

Earlier, Ace helped me with some of my stress and some of my emotions, but I'm still feeling somewhat distracted by them. So, tonight while he's at work, I'll clean the tub and shave my legs and find a few other things to do to keep most of my brain busy and slowly start dealing with the emotions.

Right now, that seems like all I can do.

A Book Waiting Impatiently to Be Written

I'm working on writing a book. I have my outline done, I think. It's 4 pages long, but it has lots of details. I know when things are happening in the book. I know what things are happening in the book.

I have a couple of things to research as I write and a couple of other decisions to make as I get to writing them. Unfortunately for me, my characters are not leaving my brain alone. They are asking for more scenes to be added to my outline.

I'm having to find ways to distract myself right now, as I'm not currently working on actively writing this moment. I'll work on it soon, but not until later. But this is a story that's been on the back of my mind for the better part of 10 years, so it's ready to come out now. And by now, I mean yesterday, at least that's how it feels right now.

So, if I'm not on as much, it's because I'm busy writing. But I don't expect to finish this book in the next month (unless once I start it all just comes pouring out). I'm expecting it to take as long as it needs to take. I just hope my characters stop demanding additions to the story, for my sanity if nothing else.