Catfish and Sleep

This past weekend, Ace and I went to visit my dad and step-mom. It was wonderful and relaxing and just what I needed. We ate wonderful food. We watched movies on their hi-def TV. We adjusted our sleep schedule to being up during the day and asleep at night.

The best meal we had, of all the wonderful meals we had, was when we went to have soul food at this hole-in-the-wall diner. The place was tiny, the food was filling, the plates were full. They served our drinks in mason jars. I ate fried catfish (oh my word, it was good), green beans (so yummy), and mac' n' cheese (homemade!). I ate my banana pudding dessert several hours later, because I had no room for it while we were still there.

After we finished eating, I swore I needed to go lay down, not because I was sleepy but because it would be disrespectful to the food not to. I spent most of the afternoon laying on the couch with my eyes closed, listening to some movie or other, and feeling content with how yummy my lunch had been. I probably dozed off a time or two, but I mostly just rested my eyes. It was totally a lazy Saturday.

That night, I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. Within 5 minutes, I was asleep. And I slept well.

I can hardly wait to get another chance to see my dad and step-mom again.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

So, after whining about social networking and acting like a crotchety "Get off my porch" old lady, I went and signed up for a Google+.

However (there's always a however, isn't there), I signed up for Google+ as M.A. Smith. It's my social networking site for this blog, not for my family. If you want to join my circles, find me there. I will be happy to have more people in my sad little blogging life.

For now, I'm going to try to figure out who else I need to follow over there, because it's kind of bare bones for me right now.

Daydreams

I daydream about taking a beach vacation. I imagine the warmth from the sun, the shade from the umbrella over me, the look of white sand on the beach and the water in shades of green and blue stretching out as far as my eye can see.

I imagine someone providing me with cold drinks to keep me from getting overheated. I imagine a book sitting on my chair for me to read when I get tired of watching the water. I imagine the breeze keeping me feeling comfortable.

After a while, I imagine walking out into the water, just wanting to see what the ocean feels like again. The water is cooler than the air, but not too cold. It feels nice with the heat of the sun hitting me directly. I imagine all the fish I can clearly see swimming around my feet. I've waded out a decent way from where I was sitting, and the water is only up to my waist.

I smile at Ace and gesture for him to join me. We splash around and joke and laugh. We act like newly-weds again. Then I head back to my chair to air dry and read. I relax and let every bit of stress fade away. I wish I never have to leave.

I find myself looking forward to when this is not just in my daydreams, but in my reality.

Overwhelmed

Lately I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. It's been a quiet, contemplative thing for the most part. But it's not left me wanting to write here.

Ace and I have been talking a lot lately. More than we normally do on our topic. I'm starting to figure out that I've got to brush up on things I haven't yet. I'll have to ask people questions and learn some new things. It'll be better for me in the long run.

Hopefully with gaining knowledge, I'll start feeling less overwhelmed. I'll be able to handle some new responsibilities better and stop feeling so stressed about it. Just having a direction to go is starting to make me feel less overwhelmed.

And that's a good place to start.

10 Years

It's been 10 years since two planes crashed into the World Trade Center.

As much as I'd love to say that day really impacted my life, it didn't. At least not that much.

I didn't fully understand what I heard on my radio as I got up and got ready for class. It wasn't until I was in class that I even knew what had happened. I had a doctor's appointment for a sinus infection. Gas stations in OKC decided to gouge people on gas prices, so I was told to wait a few days to get gas. I didn't really know what to think about the attacks, so I didn't.

I admire the men and women who helped out in New York City that day. The ones who were willing to die to pull someone out of a building. They are heroes. They deserve all the respect and admiration they get. I also admire the soldiers who signed up to fight because they knew this horrible tragedy was wrong.

I was still asleep when both towers were crashed into. My life was and is so insulated in Oklahoma that the only real impact I've felt is slightly higher gas prices and a decided lack of desire to fly anywhere because of security precautions.

But I still remember that it's been 10 years.

Thermostat Wars

It's back to the time of year that my in-laws turn off the a/c at night. We're back to the time of year when Ace and I need to turn it back on or else we have a room in roughly the 90s because of poor air circulation.

It doesn't help that last night my father-in-law had to sleep in the living room because of a problem with their bed (one that will hopefully be fixed soon). It meant leaving the door shut all night, so we wouldn't disturb him. It meant less air flow than we could have otherwise had.

I understand the theory behind turning off the a/c. It shouldn't get warm enough at night to need the a/c to kick on. It might save a few dollars. However, if it's not warm enough, it won't kick on even if you leave it on. That's kind of the point behind a thermostat. And how much are you really saving anyway?

I'm tired of the excess heat.

Busy

I haven't been posting the past few days for a couple a days. The reasons for this have been two fold.

1. There hasn't been anything happening worth posting about. Seriously, I've spent the past 5 days playing World of Warcraft most of the time and sleeping when I haven't been playing for the most part.

2. I've been busy doing stuff with WoW. Stuff that I could post about, but this isn't a WoW blog. I'm happy to not talk about it here, because it's been a bit all encompassing to my life lately. I've had few conversations that didn't revolve around WoW or sleep.

I just thought you might want to know that I'm still alive.

Intermittent Self-Doubt

Last night, I played WoW again (as is somewhat usual). I healed a raid (this was new). It kicked up some self-doubt, despite seeing that I was doing decently at it.

I hate it when I start doubting myself. It's always over something stupid, that I know better than to freak out mentally over. And it usually involves me doing something fairly dumb because I'm so freaked out, adding to my self-doubt.

This isn't the first time that I've let self-doubt damage my mental calm. It's still a struggle to sometimes to move past all the bad things my mother said in the past that damaged my self-esteem. I'm doing better most of the time, and I'm starting to not care quite as much if some people don't like me (all the time, at least).

I realize that everyone has some doubts. I know that I probably won't fully ever get away from some small measure of doubt. But I know that I shouldn't be feeling quite so much doubt just because I'm trying something somewhat newish. I should do better at trusting that I know what I'm doing.

I'm trying to work on that.

Quiet

I've been quiet again lately.

It's been less about not having anything to say and more about not wanting to whine and complain. I don't like it when I start complaining about stuff.

I'm doing good, overall. My emotions are much calmer. There's less of a roller coaster feeling to my life right now.

I'm just feeling quiet.

Maybe a little quiet sometimes is a good thing.

6 and 1/2 Weeks

The past 7 weeks, I've been wondering if maybe I was pregnant. 4 negative pregnancy tests said that I probably wasn't, but there were other signs that said I might be.

Monday, I started my period. At least, as far as I know it was just my period. Almost 7 weeks late.

I spent some time Monday mourning the loss of the potential. Yesterday, I tried to focus on other things.

I have some peace about everything, but my emotions are still a bit tender. I'm not happy that I spent those weeks complaining, even if just to myself, about the changes that my body was undergoing. After waiting, believing, and hoping for so long, it seems silly to me that I was complaining about changes that I want to happen for the end result.

Ace has been wonderfully supportive of me, as he normally is. He is trying to help keep me from dwelling on anything negative and laughing at funny stuff. He's my own personal hero.

A Sign of Things to Come?

We've had 2 days this month where the highs were in the 80s. In August. In Oklahoma. (Okay, so there was rain involved on both days, but still!)

Hopefully that's a good sign that summer is starting to fade out and fall will soon be here.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Lately I've been noticing a tendency towards feeling grumpy about anything that I find mildly annoying. It's annoying to find stuff annoying.

I know that a big part of all of the annoyance is hormones. I also know that it's just that I'm not used to being so tired or having to pee so often. It's random minor aches and pains that just irritate me and make everything else seem so much more difficult than it really is.

And when I'm not grouchy, I'm probably listening to songs that have me mentally tearing up. And those songs are exactly the ones my brain tells me I want to listen to right now. Why do I want to watch something that will make me all sappy?

On the plus side, Ace keeps pulling me out of my emotional funks and cheers me up. He makes me laugh and think of things I'm grateful for. He tells me to get over my grumpiness, and in a manner that doesn't leave me wanting to hit him (much).

So, I'm currently on an emotional roller coaster. It's a good thing I've got someone to help me reign all these emotions in.

There Is a Problem

Before I get into the post proper, allow me to proclaim that I am a Christian and that half of what I'm typing is probably being typed to me as well as anybody else. I'll admit that I am not perfect, in fact I'm probably pretty far from perfect. But, I feel like this is something that needs to be said.

Christians of the world, we have a problem. And until we get it straightened out, Jesus won't reach some of the people he should.

Before you get all up in arms, I know there is probably more than one problem in the body of Christ. But I'm focusing on this one, because it is the one that is on my mind. What problem is this? Let me tell you.

Christians are being too judgmental. The whole thing reminds me of the supposed Mommy Wars online. If we have even the slightest differences in belief from each other, then we seem to feel it's alright to judge. If I show up at church in a dress that's tighter than you would like, or worse in jeans, then I know that most places I'll be judged. My worth as a person is judged based on superficial things.

We seem to feel that as one of God's saved, we can sit in judgment over others. I find it frustrating, because I clearly remember red letters saying "Judge not that ye be not judged." (Matt. 7:1, KJV) We've been told not to judge by Jesus, the person we've decided to model our lives after. He even tells us why, we'll be judged by the same standards we judge with.

What sinner wants to face a group of people who are already judging them? What sinner wants to believe in a God waiting to condemn them for any and all wrongs they make? What Christian wants that either?

This is, in my opinion, a big problem among Christians. It seems to be a big part of the reason that some churches are dying off. I'm not trying to say that we, as Christians, need to tolerate any and all behavior from others. I'm just trying to encourage us all to look past the sin and love the sinner. God made this person too. They are probably hurting inside. Let's help them find the love of God to make them whole. And we need to start by showing each other love. Just because someone believes in Jesus, that doesn't mean that they aren't hurting too.

Christians of the world, let's start following after Jesus. Let's turn our image back to one of people who happily help serve others, no matter their faith. Let's bring God's love to the world.

Introverted and Shy

Ace and I did some reading not too long ago about the differences between introverts and extroverts. We found ourselves nodding along with how introverts want extroverts to treat them, seeing lots of ourselves in the articles we were reading.

One of my big problems is that in addition to being introverted, I am also shy sometimes. And my shyness has manifested at some really odd times. As we read through information about introverts, it was interesting to see where the differences between introversion and shyness were.

My preference for talking with people one-on-one is part of my introversion. My dislike of being the center of attention for groups is part of my introversion and part of my shyness both. My lack of a desire to speak to people who I know care about me because I feel like I might disappoint someone is part my shyness.

The articles were aimed at trying to explain introverts to extroverts. Unfortunately, most extroverts don't ever understand that introverts aren't broken. We don't feel energized by parties or group settings. We can handle them, but we want to leave long before extroverts do. We LIKE being alone, it gives us time to think. We don't like listening to an extrovert spew every thought that pops into their heads right out of their mouths. We wonder where their filter is.

This is a problem for most extroverts. They don't understand this. It is so foreign to their way of thinking that they don't try to comprehend it. It leads to frustrated introverts who feel like they're wishes are ignored. It leads to introverts faking a smile to get through a social engagement that feels never ending. It leads to introverts who are exhausted. It also leads to people feeling like they aren't supported because they have different needs than the extroverts who surround them and those needs aren't being met.

It's a communication problem that Ace and I hope to not have with our kids. We want them to be able to be reasonably able to effectively communicate with those around them. If any of our kids are extroverts, and we recognize the possibility of that happening, we want to instill an understanding that introverts have different needs from extroverts at times.

Hopefully, the shyness won't really be a factor for our kids. Because shyness sucks.

A Welcome Relief

Tulsa has been having rain. It's been wonderful, as we've finally had a few days where the weather stayed below 100 degrees. I'm not fully sure how much longer the rain will stay, but I am thankful for it while it is here.

I'm ready for the weather to start changing for the fall. I'd rather not be stuck here during the day because of the heat. I miss getting out of the house while the sun is shining.

The fans have been getting a break, because of the cooler weather. It's been a welcome relief during such a hot summer.

Now if only the heat were the only thing causing problems with my stomach. (Thank you antacids for helping with me feel closer to normal.)

In Her Natural Habitat

Today, we are going to be looking at M.A. Smith in her natural habitat. It appears to be a regular house. She goes about her day, reading on the internet, eating occasionally, and trying to convince her husband that they should go somewhere to get her out of the house.

Oh, it's a special look at the half-asleep house-wife. She's walking to the bathroom with her eyes half closed. Someone calls out a "Hi" and let's see how she responds.

*Grunt*

I guess M.A. Smith isn't too responsive while half-asleep. Let's give her a few more hours of sleep before we try to find out more about her.

Next up: NOVA.

Goose Bumps

Ace and I went to Target this morning and bought two fans for our room. We also bought a clock that measures the temperature of the room it's in (we are wondering how warm the room gets).

The clock is saying that it's 86 in here. That explains why I've been so hot.

With the fan that I have blowing on me, I'm actually feeling somewhat chilly. I've got goose bumps.

I've forgotten how nice it is to be cold in the summer. It's nice to wonder if I should put on another layer, or just stay a little chilly.

This room may be staying 86 degrees, but I've got goose bumps. And that thrills me to no end.

Heat Wave

It's ridiculously hot this summer. 26 of the days in July were over 100 degrees. This is not a pleasant time to live without a practically brand new a/c.

Because of the heat, I'm currently staying home for the most part when the sun is up. I have been going with Ace to prayer night this summer, but that is preempted by not feeling so hot.

The heat is starting to affect my sleep too. I'm getting too hot to easily fall asleep, which leads to me being grouchy from being tired. The heat is also making me grouchy. My head is not a fun place to be right now.

Add to that very sensitive breasts, feeling like my shorts are too snug, and having to be alone with my in-laws, I'm not a happy camper. I'm doing my best to just relax and take it easy. My body is not really helping with that.

Please tell me it won't be long until it starts cooling down again.

Another Day, Same Content

A while back, in May, there was work done on the garage. Since then, things haven't fully been put to right in the garage. This is seriously bugging my father-in-law, because he wants my mother-in-law's car in the garage.

My mother-in-law, who doesn't like to toss anything she thinks she might use, is SLOWLY putting things where she wants them. My father-in-law keeps wanting Ace to just put things up on the shelves that were built to get everything out of the way but my mother-in-law wants things organized her way.

Earlier, Ace put some stuff on the shelves, trying to show his father that he is doing something to get the car in the garage. His mother is upset, because this is messing up her arrangement, I think.

This is an argument that isn't going anywhere, and probably never will. At some point, either she's going to get everything organized out there, or she'll give up and everything will just be put up in a jumbled mess.

Either way, I don't care. I'm just ready for the argument to end. And as tempting as tossing all the stuff is, I don't want to hear the flack we would get for doing that.

Can someone send some help before a hormonal woman goes on a rampage of destruction?

Slightly Longer Short Update

Still waiting. Haven't taken another pregnancy test yet, but I probably will soon.

The heat is insane and not helping me feel like doing anything. My in-laws need a new a/c unit, because the one they have obviously wasn't meant to deal with this many over 100 degrees days in a row (that sentence seems awkward, grammatically).

I'm still easily distracted by things and wondering why I decided to learn to knit during the hottest summer I can recall (also, not doing much knitting right now).

Basically, the heat/pregnancy/whatever is sapping my desire to do much more than lay around and watch tv/movies or read on the internet. And it's making me crankier than normal too. How much longer until fall weather?

P.S.: I'm somewhat wordy right now, but not in the mood to talk, which doesn't help the situation.