Mostly* True Story

* Names have been changed to protect the identities of the participants.

A little while ago, I was talking to Ace about me taking a bath. I came into our living room to try to find a book to read and Ace asked me why I was looking outside of my erotic stories stash, not that he minded a night off (I've not been forcing the boy to have sex daily, but my brain interpreted his question as if I had been). I looked at him and asked if I looked like I was up for doing anything but soaking and reading (my arms were down at my sides, and I'm fairly sure my shoulders were still raised up some in stress). He looks me over and says, "Oh, you want the night off."

I wonder about that man sometimes, because he knew that I've been feeling kind of drained all day (I didn't get out of bed for a couple of hours after waking up, because I was letting the humidifier help clear out my nose, if that tells you what kind of day it's been.).

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

TTFN!

More About Guillermo

Because the dog has taken over my thoughts lately (okay, it's really because the only exciting stuff lately has been stuff to do with the dog).

Yesterday, we took Guillermo by Petsmart to get him weighed (and take down the missing sign, if it was still up). We were excited to find out that he was down to under 100 lbs. so he could safely get his teeth cleaned. And they could fit him in today to do that. Of course, that meant he couldn't eat anything after 10 last night, but he's now got clean teeth, trimmed nails, and he's all chipped (with something on his collar to mention that he's chipped).

So, if he manages to get out again, he can be identified.

On the other hand, Ace is ready for us to just be home for a while. He's had to get dressed to leave the house 3 times already in the past 24 hours (once to drop off the dog, once to pick Guillermo back up, and once to do the majority of our grocery shopping). I'm not helping, because I'm pushing for us to go finish our grocery shopping tonight (thus getting him dressed for the 4th time in 24 hours, and me for the 3rd time since I slept through picking the dog back up from the vet's office).

But, all this running around and getting dressed will mean that tomorrow we can stay home in our pajamas all day if we want (although, there is talk of visiting Bass Pro Shop, but that's for fun). I've kind of promised a day of sleep, sex, and World of Warcraft (with sex being only if he wants it) tomorrow. Because I've got to try to make his days off work fun for him, so he doesn't see them as just more work.

Since I've been up, Guillermo has slept a lot (probably from the anesthesia used while they cleaned his teeth). He's been energetic when awake, but moving slightly slower than normal, possibly because of the drugs still leaving his system. He did get a treat from us in that we bought him a pillow type thing to sleep on. It's been here a few hours, and he's finally laying down on it and seems content.

Now if I can just convince myself to stop taking pictures of him as much as possible, because the dog does need his rest. I'm just overly excited about him being home right now.

And I've got to go, so I can finish my grocery shopping as quickly as possible to get back to relaxing.

TTFN!

And Dog Makes Three

After wondering for a week, I would imagine the family that was temporarily taking care of Guillermo was wondering if they were ever going to see signs up for him.

So, we have him back. We finally got to putting more and newer signs up where more people could see them last night (or really early this morning, since it was after Ace got off work). And we got 2 calls and a text message from the people who took Guillermo in within an hour (I'm not sure which finally woke Ace up, but one of them did). They were excited to give him back.

Guillermo apparently escaped the yard, made his way over to a nearby park we've walked with him to (and around) a few times. The daughter (and her boyfriend) of the people who had him noticed him there and opened the door to their vehicle, which was all it took for him to decide he could go with these people (luckily, they seem to be nice people).

The family where he stayed were more than happy to return him, as they already had two dogs and weren't really looking to expand their canine family. But, they did buy him a ball, which we figure will last about 30 minutes if he has uninterrupted access (which we are fine with him having, because we are just so happy to have him back).

At this point, I've had less than 4 hours sleep so far today, but I'm too excited to sleep right now because Guillermo is home! Safe and sound!

Plus, I know we've fixed the problem with the gate (cable and a key lock, that gate's not moving without our permission now), so I'm free to stick him outside if I need to. Also, we've got his rabies shot tag on his collar (which he'll be wearing until we get him chipped, which will also happen as soon as possible) which will at least identify him well enough should he somehow get out again. Plus, we plan on getting him an actual name tag for said collar, so the rabies shot tag will be getting some company.

But, we are now whole again.

I've learned a few things about a dog free life. 1. It was nice to have a week where no one was watching me eat, but I didn't eat as much (or as often) as I should have. 2. I really and truly missed Guillermo while he was gone. I realized how much I love him. 3. Now I can go back to enjoying watching Jeff Dunham's Spark of Insanity, which is good, because I've got that on DVD now (as well as already having Arguing with Myself) and I really think the man is funny (One of the last things I watched before Guillermo escaped the back yard was that special. Guillermo was sitting near me, Ace was taking a nap, and the evening felt nice... until the next time I watched it trying to cheer myself back up because the dog was gone, and I couldn't laugh at the end because I remembered how nice it was that night and now he was gone. So, I'm very happy he's back, so I can fully enjoy that DVD.). 4. I almost wished he was a kid so that I could call the cops and get him back quickly, except I'm pretty sure I'd never kick my kids into the backyard in this neighborhood unless they were old enough to be unsupervised and happy enough not to run away.

But for today, I'm happy, because the dog is back home. And he'll stay here if he knows what's good for me.

Setting Goals

I don't have many goals. Okay, that's not totally honest. I don't have many short-term goals. Most of my goals right now are long term.

Because of this, I decided to set a goal for myself to take part of NoBloPoMo this year. I've already proven to myself that I can write everyday for a month, I did earlier this year.

And now, I'm going to try to write everyday for the month of November. And with that, I've set up a short-term goal.

We'll all see if I can follow through with this.

TTFN!

Birthdays and Confusing Calls*

Yesterday was my birthday. I've had better days, but it was a much better day this year than it was last (even with the dog still missing).

I got several welcome birthday greetings (my dad, my sister, one of my aunts, one of my cousins, YzArC and, of course, Ace). Ace took the day off to start working on finding the dog (he's not at the animal shelter and our vet knows he's missing now). He found ways to make me giggle all day.

But, I did get one odd birthday greeting. My mother (who I believe I've mentioned before that I'm not talking to) called me. For reasons totally unknown to me, I answered. The call was... tense is the word Ace used about it, which I suppose sums it up accurately.

She wanted to say happy birthday, tell me she was thinking of me (which isn't surprising, but...), say she loves me (I did return the sentiment, because I do love her, even if I want her to stay away), and say she's sorry we don't have a better relationship (which I wasn't aware we had anymore, given that I don't normally consider there to be a relationship with people I don't talk to). And it's left me feeling slightly confused ever since.

Why, on a rather insignificant birthday (28 isn't that important, right?), did she feel the need to cross the one line I asked her not to in order to say those things to me? And why did I answer the phone instead of letting it go to voice mail when I knew that I probably wouldn't really want to talk to her?

And, my final question, where is my dog (I miss him)?

*There was only one of each yesterday, but the plurals seemed to make more sense in my head.

If I'm So Innocent, Why Do I Feel Guilty?

Today, I took a bath. This is a good thing, because I seriously needed to take some time and just relax and focus on me for a little while. I put the dog outside before I got in the tub, because I wasn't sure how long I was going to be in there (about 45 minutes). When I got out, I decided that he could stay outside for a little longer, because it was about the time I would normally let him out.

When I went to let him in (30 minutes later), I discovered that our lawn had apparently been mowed today. While that normally wouldn't matter, we have an extra step on making sure Guillermo won't escape the backyard that they never seem to remember to put back. So, he escaped sometime in the hour and half I let him out.

And I'm stuck here with no car to go searching the neighborhood for him (I already searched the backyard and know he's not there).

I've cried. I've distracted myself with TV and music. I've told myself that I didn't do anything wrong, because I couldn't have known they mowed our lawn (I slept deeply because of a really crappy nights sleep yesterday).

So, I know that I'm innocent, but I feel really guilty. Why? The only thing I could have done differently is go check the gate before my bath, but there wasn't any indication (to me, because I didn't notice the length of the grass over the last few days) that he could get out.

But a part of me still says this is all my fault. And that I should never leave him outside like that unless I've checked the gate first (I was wearing nothing but a robe at the time I let him out, so I wasn't really wanting to actually go outside). And that maybe I shouldn't take baths when Ace isn't home so this can't ever happen again (provided we find him).

I'm going to go back to trying to distract myself, because otherwise I'm going to cry again, and that isn't productive.

Later.

Searching for Normal

Normal - "conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural" - Dictionary.com (first definition under normal)

I have spent years trying to figure out what normal is. And my problem with finding an answer is actually shown in the very definition of normal (the other definitions do not help the issue). Because everyone has a different idea as to what the standard is. Unlike an inch, for which a standard has been set, there is no real standard normal for people (there isn't something out there for me to measure myself against to decide if I am normal).

So, I wonder, as I look at the other definitions, if any of them help me.

Free from any infection or other form of disease or malformation, or from experimental therapy or manipulation. Sorry, but I still have that cough. Plus, I'm pretty sure glasses kill this one too (my eyes aren't "normal").

Approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment. I'm still trying to figure out if I'm "normal" in this sense. I'm pretty sure I'm not fully (I snapped at Ace Tuesday night because my hormones threw me a pity party and I decided to show up. But I got some nice pajama pants and some M&Ms before the end of the night.).

Being at right angles, as a line; perpendicular. Um... I'm not perpendicular, but this definition is related to math, so I don't think it really counts.

Containing one equivalent weight of the constituent in question in one liter of solution. While I understand each individual word, the combination of them all throws me off (but I'm not a solution or part of science, so again, it doesn't count).

The average or mean. I'm back to not being sure if I'm average, but knowing that I'm not mean (does this mean I'm not normal?).

So, for now, I'm spending a little time studying some philosophy (from Wikipedia right now, so I'm not exactly doing any deep studying). All I do know is that while I'm not sure if I'm normal, I've realized that most people don't know if they are normal either. So in that regard, I guess I am normal after all.

But I'll probably keep searching for a better idea of what normal is than what dictionary.com says for its definitions.

The Cycle

When I start to drift off towards depression, I start a cycle that doesn't help me get over it. I know this, but it seems to happen each time.

I start with a thought, one that makes me feel worse. And that leads to other thoughts that depress me more. And before I know it, I'm stuck in the middle of this cycle of bad thoughts and there are few things that can pull me out.

That's when I try to go searching for shows that make me laugh. I try to find things that stop the cycle. And, if nothing else works, I talk to Ace who then helps me move past that cycle.

I just need to find a way to have a better cycle, to start thinking good things that lead to thinking other good things. Ace and I discussed this recently. It's just kind of hard to change even bad habits.

But, I recognize the need to change, which I guess is the first step. Now I just need to find a way to remind myself to change my thoughts when I have them (I'm going to try to change things with baby steps).

TTFN!

A Trickle of E-Mail

Well, my e-mail access is back, but the e-mails are only trickling through.

And, so, I'm trying to be patient, because I'm not happy that I was without e-mail access so long and now it's taking so long for e-mails to actually reach me (what is up with that?).

It also doesn't help that Ace, who uses the exact same company for one of his e-mail addresses, has not lost his e-mail access in this process (from what the company has said, he's one of the lucky few who hasn't lost e-mail access).

On the plus side, they have mentioned some kind of compensation type thing for this being such an extreme outage.

So, I sit and wait for my e-mails to come through for me.

And so goes another day.

TTFN!

How Much Upgrading Is Enough?

One of my e-mail addresses (I have 3) in a paid for e-mail address. Once a year, I have to fork over money to keep it. Sometime in 2006 (or possibly 2007), the company who runs it merged with another company. And for the past year, they have been doing tons of upgrades.

The problem with those upgrades is that every time they do one, I loose e-mail access for two or three days. 4 times in the past year, I've had no access to the e-mail sent to the address on a system that I pay for (my free e-mail addresses have never been down).

Their latest reason for me loosing my e-mail access (right after they had restored it) was that too many people were trying to access their e-mail (because we had gone for most of 48 hours without e-mail and were slightly desperate to get our services, the ones we pay for, back). So, they took half (or more) of us offline (I'm so lucky to be in that group, huh?) and will stagger us back on. So that there won't be problems.

I will admit, one of the times I had no e-mail access wasn't their fault (I was down for a week and a half), but it is getting ridiculous (before they merged, they had it where I didn't have service one time and gave me three months of free service to make up for it, I miss that type of customer service).

So, now I'm waiting until who knows when to get this e-mail address back, and guess what time of the year it is too.

If only I could make this insanity up. Instead, I've been reminding myself that it's too early to drink if I've just gotten out of bed (because I'm not an alcoholic, in fact, I barely ever drink) and that it's healthier to kill bad guys in World of Warcraft instead.

So, how much upgrading is enough when you know it knocks the access to a group of your customers pretty much every time you update?

Tenderness

Some days, I read other people's posts and I feel happy. Some days, I read other people's posts and I feel mad. Some days, I read other people's posts and I start to think. Some of the posts that make me think the most also leave me feeling raw inside, where I need some tenderness to start to feel whole again.

My mother has been on my mind more than is healthy lately. I know this because she keeps showing up in my dreams and she is more antagonistic than she should be (if she wants to show up in my dreams, she can stay silent or be supportive).

Today, I read a post by someone who feels frustrated because she can't communicate with her mother. And it started me wondering why women seem to have problems connecting with their mothers when they are all grown up. I know that this isn't guaranteed. I have cousins (older than me) who love talking with their mother. But, it is still a problem.

All this thinking, and my memory of my mother haunting me, has left me feeling a little raw right now. So, Ace is going to provide me with some tenderness. And maybe sometime soon I'll figure out the answer to how to have a healthy relationship with my own children when my mother couldn't.

Later.

Finding Sleep

My biggest problem with trying to sleep at night is getting my brain to shut off. Because that's the case, I've spend most nights trying to keep my mind busy until my body forces me to sleep (which I notice when I think I'm going to blink and don't open my eyes for a few minutes).

I recognize that this isn't healthy, but I'm not fully sure what to do to change this. Hopefully with the changes Ace and I are making to our routines for when he comes home from work I'll be able to go to sleep easier.

Now, if this works and if I could only figure out how I relaxed so well a few weeks ago, I'll be doing really well.

TTFN!

What Do You Say?

What do you say when someone gives you information about someone else and the only thing you can think to reply is "OK"?

Ace got an e-mail from one of his cousins about her brother who is graduating from basic training soon. I would guess that congratulations is the proper thing to say, but only to the person graduating. Otherwise, it's kind of hard to tell what to say.

This is a slight problem because it comes up from time to time. I know what to say when someone dies ("I'm sorry for your loss."), when someone is pregnant, engaged or married ("Congratulations!"), and when someone is moving away ("I'll miss you."). I've even got stuff to say for other occasions that is situationally appropriate.

But what do you say when someone tells you news about something happening to someone else when you aren't sure how they feel? What do you say when someone blindsides you with something that doesn't have a particular "right" answer? What do you do when someone tells you that someone is graduating from basic training?

Someone, please tell me.

Questions I Won't Ask

I have questions about my parent's divorce (mainly, what was the true cause of it), but I won't ask my dad those questions. Mainly because the answers don't really concern me. My relationship with my dad has nothing to do with why his marriage to my mother didn't last.

I was thinking, though, that the only glimpse my mother showed me into their divorce (which she first mentioned the day she told me they were divorcing) is something I know don't feel fully comfortable trusting (mostly because I would have problems with believing it if she told me the sky was blue, even though I know it's true).

A friend of mine is getting divorced. Her kids (who are actually only a couple of years younger than me) have heard their dad's side of the story, but not hers. I was just wondering what my advice would be to them on whether or not to trust what they've heard and how to let it affect their relationships with their mother.

I remember, after hearing my mother's side, being angry with my dad. I remember feeling betrayed. But the anger didn't last long. Because he was still there for me. He provided a steady relationship, one that I didn't really have with my mom. And now, when I'm not sure I fully believe my mother's tale from long ago (14 years, almost half my life), I realize that the relationship I have with my dad has nothing to do with what he did or didn't do that set off the divorce.

So, I guess my advice to those friends is that they should look to the past, was their mother (who isn't telling her side, kind of like my dad didn't tell his) there for them? Is she still trying to be there for them? If so, then they shouldn't reject her based on someone else's pain. Because it just makes things more awkward (and they are awkward enough as it is).

So, while I have questions about my mother's story, a story that took me 14 years to start wondering about, I won't ask my dad. Because it's not any of my business. And, it won't change how I look at him now anyway, because our relationship is built on trust and conversation between us, and not based on the picture my mother has tried to paint in the past (not talking to her has produced at least a few good things, like more rational and logical thinking skills).

Do you have any questions that you won't ask because the answers don't really matter?

Bubbles

Wednesday night, I took a bath. Ace helped me out with that by running the water for me (thus, getting me to actually enter the bathroom). Then, this conversation happened.

Ace: Are you shaving, or is that for relaxing?

Me: Relaxing.

Ace: Yay! Bubbles!

Of course, he knows that I only take bubble baths when he runs them, so he is oddly excited about the idea of me taking a bubble bath, because he wants me to relax and rest. He wants me to be stress free, and he knows that I don't let myself relax enough (or more so, I don't fully relax when I'm relaxing). It's just cute that he's that concerned about me.

And, it's fun when he inadvertently gives me something to post.

So, thank you Ace for being so sweet and cute. And I'll try to work on the relaxing thing some more. And hopefully sometime I'll actually make a bubble bath all by myself (and yes, I know how, I just don't seem to treat myself to bubbles).

TTFN!

Silence

I've not wanted to get on and talk. I'm not pregnant, yet. I took a pregnancy test and then started my period (all in a 2 minute time frame). And since then I've been trying not to mope about it.

So, I stayed silent. Because who wants to hear someone whine because it's taking them a while to get pregnant?

So, I've been focusing on other things, like my mouse deciding it doesn't want to work anymore (we've ordered a new one, it should be here within a week... only the new mouse will be for Ace and I'll get his current mouse). And I've been discovering that I don't seem to care much about, well, anything lately.

Hopefully soon I'll have something more important to say and the silence will be broken again.

TTFN

Heat and Randomness

I'm feeling hot and my mind isn't focusing on anything I want to write about (I'm getting tired of mentioning that I'm waiting). So, I'm going to go with random stuff.

1. Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde - I forgot how good this movie is, even though the main character is silly and seems rather stupid. Elle is actually really smart, at least she is when it matters (and apparently fashion knowledge will help anywhere, even Congress).

2. I'm for equal pay for men and women for doing the same job. I'm not for the idea that men suck and women rule (because, actually, both genders can suck and both can rule).

3. Why is my bedroom at 78 degrees? No wonder I'm feeling hot! The fan is on, but it's not helping enough. Am I putting off enough extra heat to make me this miserable?

4. The a/c had to be nudged to cool down the room I'm sitting in. Because my comfort is more important than the dog's. Besides, he's probably warm with all that fur anyway.

5. Um, have I mentioned that I'm warm? And that's zapped any and all other thoughts out of my head? Oh, yeah... that's been the theme of the last 2 points too.

6. I'd like to go by the library, but I'm in the middle of at least 7 books (possibly more) that I own, so I think I should finish some of those first. I want to go to the library to look for books by Erma Bombeck, because I know that I will enjoy them (I have in the past).

Yeah, I think I've been random enough (or ranted about the heat enough). I'm going to go back to either books or logic problems (probably the logic problems).

TTFN!

9/11

Yesterday was different. It was the first time in the past few years that I had thought about the date very much. I felt the date weighing on my mind throughout the day.

I will never forget the shock I felt that day, in 2001, when I fully woke up (I was in bed asleep when the planes hit) and found out what had happened. I felt like I had been kicked. My sinus infection (for I was suffering with one) seemed silly and my doctor's appointment that afternoon seemed less important (I still went, because I happen to like breathing, and there wasn't much I could do anyway). I remember the lines at the gas stations, even here in Oklahoma, and the prices soaring (although they didn't get nearly as high as they did elsewhere). I remember being counseled to wait a few days before getting gas (my doctor cared about what I was going to pay for gas as well as keeping me breathing).

Because of those memories I want to honor the people who died and the people who lived that day. They deserve to be honored.

But it is 7 years later, and my life has changed a lot. And I've got other things on my mind, things that seem more important now. Things that seemed like they would never happen then.

So, I remembered, at least for a little bit, in honor of the past and then I allowed myself to focus on the present. Because I'm fairly sure those people I'm honoring would want me to continue on with my life.

So, September 11th was meaningful. And I won't forget it. But, it's feeling like it's time for me to move forward. When I have children to teach, I'll share with them the importance of the date, while reminding them that we aren't going to live in fear.

TTFN!

Waiting Patiently

In a departure from the past, other than feeling slightly frustrated when time seems to not be moving forward at a normal pace, I'm feeling patient about waiting for Sunday (when I'll finally allow myself to take a pregnancy test). It's one of those things where I'm interested in finding out the answer, but it won't change in the next few days.

But, I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling good about the possibilities. And other than finding Tex-Mex to be irresistible, I'm feeling fairly normal. And I'm feeling content to be where I am right now, in the magical place of possibilities and hope for the future.

Well, it's back to distracting myself with other things to help pass that time.

TTFN!

Slow Moving Days

The part I hate the most about waiting is that time seems to slow way down and I'm stuck waiting what feels like twice as long as I should be. I haven't started my period yet, even though it was due yesterday, and I'm not interested in basically any of the food in the house (I want Taco Bell, and have since yesterday!). Plus, even though I'm not a big round 7 or 8 months pregnant, I feel big and round.

It doesn't help me a bit that tomorrow starts Ace's weekend and tonight when he gets home from work we are actually going to go by the store. It actually makes the waiting seem even longer, because I'm waiting for something (anything!) to happen. So, when I check the clocks, I'm not surprised that it's only been 5 minutes since the last time I checked, because time is creeping by so slowly.

And for some reason, I slept from roughly 7 am to 5:45 pm today. I didn't realize I needed so much sleep, but I felt 100% better for having slept for so long.

Any suggestions you've got for making time go more quickly when I'm here with just the dog (and no way to go anywhere that I can't walk to, because I'm short 1 vehicle), please let me know.

TTFN!