Waiting for the Phone to Ring

Ace has been getting a lot more phone calls lately with potential jobs. This is good.

However, I don't know how long it will be until he has a job. So we are playing the waiting game. It's frustrating and neither of us is fond of it.

Ace is, of course, still applying for jobs. Hopefully we'll hear back from somebody soon with an interview that turns into a job offer.

Until then, we are mostly waiting for the phone to ring.

Broken-ish

There is something wrong with my in-laws' thermostat or a/c. It's been on cool and set around 72 degrees, but it hasn't seemed to actually cool off in the house.

I mention this only because it has been freakishly hot in this house for late October.

I'm hoping the weather starts cooling back down and we can stop needing the fans to cool off. (Blankets/jackets to stay warm are a totally different matter.)

31

Today, I turned 31. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. The day has been fairly good over all. I had lots of people wish me Happy Birthday, which made me feel warm and fuzzy.

My in-laws didn't do nearly as good a job at creating warm fuzzy feelings today. They didn't realize it was my birthday until late (which didn't really bother me much, but it did sting). They made an offer to take me to a place they chose for dessert tonight, even though I hadn't had dinner yet. They didn't check to see how late where they chose was open.

My in-laws took a chance to do something halfway decent for me late in the day on my birthday and made it all about them. I'm not saying they should have tried to make my day completely wonderful, but an effort to find out where I wanted to go for a dessert might have been nice. All they would have had to do was ask and let me think for a few minutes.

And this is why I'm ready for us to be on our own.

I'm a Mother Hen

One of my cousins, one that I haven't seen in a long time, is having some issues with her father. There's a big story there that I really don't want to think about or go into. He did some crazy, bad thing and is in jail now. He, apparently, wants to hear from her more often. She has kids she's raising, is pregnant, and is on bed rest. She is in no position to write him daily (which is what he wants).

She is just ready to stop all contact, from what I can tell. As much as I hate to see that, sometimes it's for the best. I sent her a message to let her know that I understand and I won't push her into any contact. I let her know she has at least one family member on her side. She doesn't need the extra stress, something bad at any time but worse when she's on bed rest. She doesn't need to sacrifice some part of herself to make someone who effectively took himself out of her life happier (or less whiny).

Sometimes, I feel like a mother hen. I want to protect the world from itself. At the very least, I want my cousin to know that she has someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation (not wanting to be hurt by a parent anymore) who will offer her a safe place to feel less alone. Someone to say it's okay to stop talking to someone who hurts you emotionally even if they aren't hurting you physically. Someone to say it's okay to protect yourself and your family.

I helped my cousin feel better. It made me feel better. I can't change the situation, but I can let her know that she isn't alone. Sometimes, just having one person say that they understand can make all the difference.

I wish I had had someone like me when I was where she's at right now. I'm thankful that I can be there for her.

Random Thoughts

My father-in-law decided to change what day he does laundry. We got no notice of this before hand. That seems like the kind of thing you should tell someone.

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When my mother-in-law is no where around, my father-in-law suddenly seems to be much happier and easier to get along with. When she is around, he is generally in a bad mood.

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If my father-in-law needs a nap in the afternoon to be somewhat human again, why do my in-laws keep scheduling stuff for the afternoons that interferes with his chances to get that nap?

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My birthday is coming up. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now.

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Why does my mother-in-law feel the need to share random crap she half remembers from the tv/news with me? And why did she encourage me to get pregnant and discourage it at the same time?

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I hate waiting. Hopefully Ace will get a phone call soon and life will start looking much brighter again.

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I had a dream recently that I was moving in with my mom. I woke up hugging myself (I was hugging her in the dream). I'm still not quite sure what my brain was trying to work out there.

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I think I'll stop here. I'm starting to run out of random thoughts. And now, I'm going to curl up with something that makes me laugh and stop focusing on so many negative things.

Why Anonymous?

After nearly 4 and 1/2 years posting here anonymously, I figure it's time I write about why this blog is anonymous.

4 and 1/2 years ago, I had a different blog. One that was know by my family. One that was probably read by at least some of my family. It was similar in lots of ways to this blog. I talked about random stuff that was on my mind and things that were happening.

But, I found myself censoring much of what I wanted to say. I didn't want my father to read about my sex life, because we have a mutual understanding that we each pretend the other doesn't have sex and thus our mental states stay free from acknowledging that the other is human with human sexual needs. We are both happier that way. I also found myself wanting to write about stuff with my mother, but not willing to write it where either she could read it or at least our mutual family members could read it.

At some point, something happened that brought about me feeling like I couldn't write anything there. I felt stifled by my self-imposed restrictions. I felt like I needed to write posts to mentally deal with things, but I couldn't write there any more.

So, I started a new blog. I decided to be anonymous, although the veil of anonymity is fairly thin sometimes. If any one who knows what is going on in my life (at this point, mostly my in-laws) were to read this blog, they would likely know I was the one writing it (as far as I know, they have no clue about blogs and thus I am fairly safe from them). It's a place for me to figure out how I feel about things or to write about what is happening.

Even here, I limit some topics. I don't constantly whine about my in-laws, because I'd rather think about more positive things. I don't talk about politics ever, I rarely think about such things. I rarely talk about my faith because it's so personal to me and it seems like the kind of thing to protect. I only occasionally talk about sex, because it also seems like the kind of thing to protect.

I don't plan, at this point, to stop being anonymous here. Anonymity suits me for this place. It gives me more freedom to talk about various things. It's not like I'm hiding my personality, just my name.

Productive Use of Time

This past week, Ace and I have been sleeping at night. Since we had been sleeping during the day, this is kind of a big deal for us.

Because I've been up during the day, I've been finding many productive uses of my time. Things like doing laundry. And it's not just that I've been productive, I've been actively wanting to get things accomplished.

Today, Ace and I went to the library. It's been a while since we've gone, so I was happy to go back. I've now got some research to do for my book (and a book to get research from, how convenient). The better I understand what I'm writing about, the better the book will be.

I'm just happy to feel like I'm being somewhat productive again.

Catfish and Sleep

This past weekend, Ace and I went to visit my dad and step-mom. It was wonderful and relaxing and just what I needed. We ate wonderful food. We watched movies on their hi-def TV. We adjusted our sleep schedule to being up during the day and asleep at night.

The best meal we had, of all the wonderful meals we had, was when we went to have soul food at this hole-in-the-wall diner. The place was tiny, the food was filling, the plates were full. They served our drinks in mason jars. I ate fried catfish (oh my word, it was good), green beans (so yummy), and mac' n' cheese (homemade!). I ate my banana pudding dessert several hours later, because I had no room for it while we were still there.

After we finished eating, I swore I needed to go lay down, not because I was sleepy but because it would be disrespectful to the food not to. I spent most of the afternoon laying on the couch with my eyes closed, listening to some movie or other, and feeling content with how yummy my lunch had been. I probably dozed off a time or two, but I mostly just rested my eyes. It was totally a lazy Saturday.

That night, I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. Within 5 minutes, I was asleep. And I slept well.

I can hardly wait to get another chance to see my dad and step-mom again.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

So, after whining about social networking and acting like a crotchety "Get off my porch" old lady, I went and signed up for a Google+.

However (there's always a however, isn't there), I signed up for Google+ as M.A. Smith. It's my social networking site for this blog, not for my family. If you want to join my circles, find me there. I will be happy to have more people in my sad little blogging life.

For now, I'm going to try to figure out who else I need to follow over there, because it's kind of bare bones for me right now.

Daydreams

I daydream about taking a beach vacation. I imagine the warmth from the sun, the shade from the umbrella over me, the look of white sand on the beach and the water in shades of green and blue stretching out as far as my eye can see.

I imagine someone providing me with cold drinks to keep me from getting overheated. I imagine a book sitting on my chair for me to read when I get tired of watching the water. I imagine the breeze keeping me feeling comfortable.

After a while, I imagine walking out into the water, just wanting to see what the ocean feels like again. The water is cooler than the air, but not too cold. It feels nice with the heat of the sun hitting me directly. I imagine all the fish I can clearly see swimming around my feet. I've waded out a decent way from where I was sitting, and the water is only up to my waist.

I smile at Ace and gesture for him to join me. We splash around and joke and laugh. We act like newly-weds again. Then I head back to my chair to air dry and read. I relax and let every bit of stress fade away. I wish I never have to leave.

I find myself looking forward to when this is not just in my daydreams, but in my reality.

Overwhelmed

Lately I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. It's been a quiet, contemplative thing for the most part. But it's not left me wanting to write here.

Ace and I have been talking a lot lately. More than we normally do on our topic. I'm starting to figure out that I've got to brush up on things I haven't yet. I'll have to ask people questions and learn some new things. It'll be better for me in the long run.

Hopefully with gaining knowledge, I'll start feeling less overwhelmed. I'll be able to handle some new responsibilities better and stop feeling so stressed about it. Just having a direction to go is starting to make me feel less overwhelmed.

And that's a good place to start.

10 Years

It's been 10 years since two planes crashed into the World Trade Center.

As much as I'd love to say that day really impacted my life, it didn't. At least not that much.

I didn't fully understand what I heard on my radio as I got up and got ready for class. It wasn't until I was in class that I even knew what had happened. I had a doctor's appointment for a sinus infection. Gas stations in OKC decided to gouge people on gas prices, so I was told to wait a few days to get gas. I didn't really know what to think about the attacks, so I didn't.

I admire the men and women who helped out in New York City that day. The ones who were willing to die to pull someone out of a building. They are heroes. They deserve all the respect and admiration they get. I also admire the soldiers who signed up to fight because they knew this horrible tragedy was wrong.

I was still asleep when both towers were crashed into. My life was and is so insulated in Oklahoma that the only real impact I've felt is slightly higher gas prices and a decided lack of desire to fly anywhere because of security precautions.

But I still remember that it's been 10 years.

Thermostat Wars

It's back to the time of year that my in-laws turn off the a/c at night. We're back to the time of year when Ace and I need to turn it back on or else we have a room in roughly the 90s because of poor air circulation.

It doesn't help that last night my father-in-law had to sleep in the living room because of a problem with their bed (one that will hopefully be fixed soon). It meant leaving the door shut all night, so we wouldn't disturb him. It meant less air flow than we could have otherwise had.

I understand the theory behind turning off the a/c. It shouldn't get warm enough at night to need the a/c to kick on. It might save a few dollars. However, if it's not warm enough, it won't kick on even if you leave it on. That's kind of the point behind a thermostat. And how much are you really saving anyway?

I'm tired of the excess heat.

Busy

I haven't been posting the past few days for a couple a days. The reasons for this have been two fold.

1. There hasn't been anything happening worth posting about. Seriously, I've spent the past 5 days playing World of Warcraft most of the time and sleeping when I haven't been playing for the most part.

2. I've been busy doing stuff with WoW. Stuff that I could post about, but this isn't a WoW blog. I'm happy to not talk about it here, because it's been a bit all encompassing to my life lately. I've had few conversations that didn't revolve around WoW or sleep.

I just thought you might want to know that I'm still alive.

Intermittent Self-Doubt

Last night, I played WoW again (as is somewhat usual). I healed a raid (this was new). It kicked up some self-doubt, despite seeing that I was doing decently at it.

I hate it when I start doubting myself. It's always over something stupid, that I know better than to freak out mentally over. And it usually involves me doing something fairly dumb because I'm so freaked out, adding to my self-doubt.

This isn't the first time that I've let self-doubt damage my mental calm. It's still a struggle to sometimes to move past all the bad things my mother said in the past that damaged my self-esteem. I'm doing better most of the time, and I'm starting to not care quite as much if some people don't like me (all the time, at least).

I realize that everyone has some doubts. I know that I probably won't fully ever get away from some small measure of doubt. But I know that I shouldn't be feeling quite so much doubt just because I'm trying something somewhat newish. I should do better at trusting that I know what I'm doing.

I'm trying to work on that.

Quiet

I've been quiet again lately.

It's been less about not having anything to say and more about not wanting to whine and complain. I don't like it when I start complaining about stuff.

I'm doing good, overall. My emotions are much calmer. There's less of a roller coaster feeling to my life right now.

I'm just feeling quiet.

Maybe a little quiet sometimes is a good thing.

6 and 1/2 Weeks

The past 7 weeks, I've been wondering if maybe I was pregnant. 4 negative pregnancy tests said that I probably wasn't, but there were other signs that said I might be.

Monday, I started my period. At least, as far as I know it was just my period. Almost 7 weeks late.

I spent some time Monday mourning the loss of the potential. Yesterday, I tried to focus on other things.

I have some peace about everything, but my emotions are still a bit tender. I'm not happy that I spent those weeks complaining, even if just to myself, about the changes that my body was undergoing. After waiting, believing, and hoping for so long, it seems silly to me that I was complaining about changes that I want to happen for the end result.

Ace has been wonderfully supportive of me, as he normally is. He is trying to help keep me from dwelling on anything negative and laughing at funny stuff. He's my own personal hero.

A Sign of Things to Come?

We've had 2 days this month where the highs were in the 80s. In August. In Oklahoma. (Okay, so there was rain involved on both days, but still!)

Hopefully that's a good sign that summer is starting to fade out and fall will soon be here.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Lately I've been noticing a tendency towards feeling grumpy about anything that I find mildly annoying. It's annoying to find stuff annoying.

I know that a big part of all of the annoyance is hormones. I also know that it's just that I'm not used to being so tired or having to pee so often. It's random minor aches and pains that just irritate me and make everything else seem so much more difficult than it really is.

And when I'm not grouchy, I'm probably listening to songs that have me mentally tearing up. And those songs are exactly the ones my brain tells me I want to listen to right now. Why do I want to watch something that will make me all sappy?

On the plus side, Ace keeps pulling me out of my emotional funks and cheers me up. He makes me laugh and think of things I'm grateful for. He tells me to get over my grumpiness, and in a manner that doesn't leave me wanting to hit him (much).

So, I'm currently on an emotional roller coaster. It's a good thing I've got someone to help me reign all these emotions in.

There Is a Problem

Before I get into the post proper, allow me to proclaim that I am a Christian and that half of what I'm typing is probably being typed to me as well as anybody else. I'll admit that I am not perfect, in fact I'm probably pretty far from perfect. But, I feel like this is something that needs to be said.

Christians of the world, we have a problem. And until we get it straightened out, Jesus won't reach some of the people he should.

Before you get all up in arms, I know there is probably more than one problem in the body of Christ. But I'm focusing on this one, because it is the one that is on my mind. What problem is this? Let me tell you.

Christians are being too judgmental. The whole thing reminds me of the supposed Mommy Wars online. If we have even the slightest differences in belief from each other, then we seem to feel it's alright to judge. If I show up at church in a dress that's tighter than you would like, or worse in jeans, then I know that most places I'll be judged. My worth as a person is judged based on superficial things.

We seem to feel that as one of God's saved, we can sit in judgment over others. I find it frustrating, because I clearly remember red letters saying "Judge not that ye be not judged." (Matt. 7:1, KJV) We've been told not to judge by Jesus, the person we've decided to model our lives after. He even tells us why, we'll be judged by the same standards we judge with.

What sinner wants to face a group of people who are already judging them? What sinner wants to believe in a God waiting to condemn them for any and all wrongs they make? What Christian wants that either?

This is, in my opinion, a big problem among Christians. It seems to be a big part of the reason that some churches are dying off. I'm not trying to say that we, as Christians, need to tolerate any and all behavior from others. I'm just trying to encourage us all to look past the sin and love the sinner. God made this person too. They are probably hurting inside. Let's help them find the love of God to make them whole. And we need to start by showing each other love. Just because someone believes in Jesus, that doesn't mean that they aren't hurting too.

Christians of the world, let's start following after Jesus. Let's turn our image back to one of people who happily help serve others, no matter their faith. Let's bring God's love to the world.