Busy

I haven't been posting the past few days for a couple a days. The reasons for this have been two fold.

1. There hasn't been anything happening worth posting about. Seriously, I've spent the past 5 days playing World of Warcraft most of the time and sleeping when I haven't been playing for the most part.

2. I've been busy doing stuff with WoW. Stuff that I could post about, but this isn't a WoW blog. I'm happy to not talk about it here, because it's been a bit all encompassing to my life lately. I've had few conversations that didn't revolve around WoW or sleep.

I just thought you might want to know that I'm still alive.

Intermittent Self-Doubt

Last night, I played WoW again (as is somewhat usual). I healed a raid (this was new). It kicked up some self-doubt, despite seeing that I was doing decently at it.

I hate it when I start doubting myself. It's always over something stupid, that I know better than to freak out mentally over. And it usually involves me doing something fairly dumb because I'm so freaked out, adding to my self-doubt.

This isn't the first time that I've let self-doubt damage my mental calm. It's still a struggle to sometimes to move past all the bad things my mother said in the past that damaged my self-esteem. I'm doing better most of the time, and I'm starting to not care quite as much if some people don't like me (all the time, at least).

I realize that everyone has some doubts. I know that I probably won't fully ever get away from some small measure of doubt. But I know that I shouldn't be feeling quite so much doubt just because I'm trying something somewhat newish. I should do better at trusting that I know what I'm doing.

I'm trying to work on that.

Quiet

I've been quiet again lately.

It's been less about not having anything to say and more about not wanting to whine and complain. I don't like it when I start complaining about stuff.

I'm doing good, overall. My emotions are much calmer. There's less of a roller coaster feeling to my life right now.

I'm just feeling quiet.

Maybe a little quiet sometimes is a good thing.

6 and 1/2 Weeks

The past 7 weeks, I've been wondering if maybe I was pregnant. 4 negative pregnancy tests said that I probably wasn't, but there were other signs that said I might be.

Monday, I started my period. At least, as far as I know it was just my period. Almost 7 weeks late.

I spent some time Monday mourning the loss of the potential. Yesterday, I tried to focus on other things.

I have some peace about everything, but my emotions are still a bit tender. I'm not happy that I spent those weeks complaining, even if just to myself, about the changes that my body was undergoing. After waiting, believing, and hoping for so long, it seems silly to me that I was complaining about changes that I want to happen for the end result.

Ace has been wonderfully supportive of me, as he normally is. He is trying to help keep me from dwelling on anything negative and laughing at funny stuff. He's my own personal hero.

A Sign of Things to Come?

We've had 2 days this month where the highs were in the 80s. In August. In Oklahoma. (Okay, so there was rain involved on both days, but still!)

Hopefully that's a good sign that summer is starting to fade out and fall will soon be here.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Lately I've been noticing a tendency towards feeling grumpy about anything that I find mildly annoying. It's annoying to find stuff annoying.

I know that a big part of all of the annoyance is hormones. I also know that it's just that I'm not used to being so tired or having to pee so often. It's random minor aches and pains that just irritate me and make everything else seem so much more difficult than it really is.

And when I'm not grouchy, I'm probably listening to songs that have me mentally tearing up. And those songs are exactly the ones my brain tells me I want to listen to right now. Why do I want to watch something that will make me all sappy?

On the plus side, Ace keeps pulling me out of my emotional funks and cheers me up. He makes me laugh and think of things I'm grateful for. He tells me to get over my grumpiness, and in a manner that doesn't leave me wanting to hit him (much).

So, I'm currently on an emotional roller coaster. It's a good thing I've got someone to help me reign all these emotions in.

There Is a Problem

Before I get into the post proper, allow me to proclaim that I am a Christian and that half of what I'm typing is probably being typed to me as well as anybody else. I'll admit that I am not perfect, in fact I'm probably pretty far from perfect. But, I feel like this is something that needs to be said.

Christians of the world, we have a problem. And until we get it straightened out, Jesus won't reach some of the people he should.

Before you get all up in arms, I know there is probably more than one problem in the body of Christ. But I'm focusing on this one, because it is the one that is on my mind. What problem is this? Let me tell you.

Christians are being too judgmental. The whole thing reminds me of the supposed Mommy Wars online. If we have even the slightest differences in belief from each other, then we seem to feel it's alright to judge. If I show up at church in a dress that's tighter than you would like, or worse in jeans, then I know that most places I'll be judged. My worth as a person is judged based on superficial things.

We seem to feel that as one of God's saved, we can sit in judgment over others. I find it frustrating, because I clearly remember red letters saying "Judge not that ye be not judged." (Matt. 7:1, KJV) We've been told not to judge by Jesus, the person we've decided to model our lives after. He even tells us why, we'll be judged by the same standards we judge with.

What sinner wants to face a group of people who are already judging them? What sinner wants to believe in a God waiting to condemn them for any and all wrongs they make? What Christian wants that either?

This is, in my opinion, a big problem among Christians. It seems to be a big part of the reason that some churches are dying off. I'm not trying to say that we, as Christians, need to tolerate any and all behavior from others. I'm just trying to encourage us all to look past the sin and love the sinner. God made this person too. They are probably hurting inside. Let's help them find the love of God to make them whole. And we need to start by showing each other love. Just because someone believes in Jesus, that doesn't mean that they aren't hurting too.

Christians of the world, let's start following after Jesus. Let's turn our image back to one of people who happily help serve others, no matter their faith. Let's bring God's love to the world.

Introverted and Shy

Ace and I did some reading not too long ago about the differences between introverts and extroverts. We found ourselves nodding along with how introverts want extroverts to treat them, seeing lots of ourselves in the articles we were reading.

One of my big problems is that in addition to being introverted, I am also shy sometimes. And my shyness has manifested at some really odd times. As we read through information about introverts, it was interesting to see where the differences between introversion and shyness were.

My preference for talking with people one-on-one is part of my introversion. My dislike of being the center of attention for groups is part of my introversion and part of my shyness both. My lack of a desire to speak to people who I know care about me because I feel like I might disappoint someone is part my shyness.

The articles were aimed at trying to explain introverts to extroverts. Unfortunately, most extroverts don't ever understand that introverts aren't broken. We don't feel energized by parties or group settings. We can handle them, but we want to leave long before extroverts do. We LIKE being alone, it gives us time to think. We don't like listening to an extrovert spew every thought that pops into their heads right out of their mouths. We wonder where their filter is.

This is a problem for most extroverts. They don't understand this. It is so foreign to their way of thinking that they don't try to comprehend it. It leads to frustrated introverts who feel like they're wishes are ignored. It leads to introverts faking a smile to get through a social engagement that feels never ending. It leads to introverts who are exhausted. It also leads to people feeling like they aren't supported because they have different needs than the extroverts who surround them and those needs aren't being met.

It's a communication problem that Ace and I hope to not have with our kids. We want them to be able to be reasonably able to effectively communicate with those around them. If any of our kids are extroverts, and we recognize the possibility of that happening, we want to instill an understanding that introverts have different needs from extroverts at times.

Hopefully, the shyness won't really be a factor for our kids. Because shyness sucks.

A Welcome Relief

Tulsa has been having rain. It's been wonderful, as we've finally had a few days where the weather stayed below 100 degrees. I'm not fully sure how much longer the rain will stay, but I am thankful for it while it is here.

I'm ready for the weather to start changing for the fall. I'd rather not be stuck here during the day because of the heat. I miss getting out of the house while the sun is shining.

The fans have been getting a break, because of the cooler weather. It's been a welcome relief during such a hot summer.

Now if only the heat were the only thing causing problems with my stomach. (Thank you antacids for helping with me feel closer to normal.)

In Her Natural Habitat

Today, we are going to be looking at M.A. Smith in her natural habitat. It appears to be a regular house. She goes about her day, reading on the internet, eating occasionally, and trying to convince her husband that they should go somewhere to get her out of the house.

Oh, it's a special look at the half-asleep house-wife. She's walking to the bathroom with her eyes half closed. Someone calls out a "Hi" and let's see how she responds.

*Grunt*

I guess M.A. Smith isn't too responsive while half-asleep. Let's give her a few more hours of sleep before we try to find out more about her.

Next up: NOVA.

Goose Bumps

Ace and I went to Target this morning and bought two fans for our room. We also bought a clock that measures the temperature of the room it's in (we are wondering how warm the room gets).

The clock is saying that it's 86 in here. That explains why I've been so hot.

With the fan that I have blowing on me, I'm actually feeling somewhat chilly. I've got goose bumps.

I've forgotten how nice it is to be cold in the summer. It's nice to wonder if I should put on another layer, or just stay a little chilly.

This room may be staying 86 degrees, but I've got goose bumps. And that thrills me to no end.

Heat Wave

It's ridiculously hot this summer. 26 of the days in July were over 100 degrees. This is not a pleasant time to live without a practically brand new a/c.

Because of the heat, I'm currently staying home for the most part when the sun is up. I have been going with Ace to prayer night this summer, but that is preempted by not feeling so hot.

The heat is starting to affect my sleep too. I'm getting too hot to easily fall asleep, which leads to me being grouchy from being tired. The heat is also making me grouchy. My head is not a fun place to be right now.

Add to that very sensitive breasts, feeling like my shorts are too snug, and having to be alone with my in-laws, I'm not a happy camper. I'm doing my best to just relax and take it easy. My body is not really helping with that.

Please tell me it won't be long until it starts cooling down again.

Another Day, Same Content

A while back, in May, there was work done on the garage. Since then, things haven't fully been put to right in the garage. This is seriously bugging my father-in-law, because he wants my mother-in-law's car in the garage.

My mother-in-law, who doesn't like to toss anything she thinks she might use, is SLOWLY putting things where she wants them. My father-in-law keeps wanting Ace to just put things up on the shelves that were built to get everything out of the way but my mother-in-law wants things organized her way.

Earlier, Ace put some stuff on the shelves, trying to show his father that he is doing something to get the car in the garage. His mother is upset, because this is messing up her arrangement, I think.

This is an argument that isn't going anywhere, and probably never will. At some point, either she's going to get everything organized out there, or she'll give up and everything will just be put up in a jumbled mess.

Either way, I don't care. I'm just ready for the argument to end. And as tempting as tossing all the stuff is, I don't want to hear the flack we would get for doing that.

Can someone send some help before a hormonal woman goes on a rampage of destruction?

Slightly Longer Short Update

Still waiting. Haven't taken another pregnancy test yet, but I probably will soon.

The heat is insane and not helping me feel like doing anything. My in-laws need a new a/c unit, because the one they have obviously wasn't meant to deal with this many over 100 degrees days in a row (that sentence seems awkward, grammatically).

I'm still easily distracted by things and wondering why I decided to learn to knit during the hottest summer I can recall (also, not doing much knitting right now).

Basically, the heat/pregnancy/whatever is sapping my desire to do much more than lay around and watch tv/movies or read on the internet. And it's making me crankier than normal too. How much longer until fall weather?

P.S.: I'm somewhat wordy right now, but not in the mood to talk, which doesn't help the situation.

Short Update

My period is over 2 weeks late.

I've taken two different pregnancy tests. They've both come up not pregnant.

I've got some symptoms that indicate pregnancy, but they could be something else too (I guess).

All this waiting and wondering is making me grouchier to live with. I'm keeping most of my grouchy complaining to myself, but it's annoying me.

I'm ready for some cooler weather.

Sillyness and Other Things

Ace recently asked me the silliest question ever: "Would you be upset if I got up and offered you chocolate?" Why would I be upset about getting chocolate? He did admit that it was a silly question.

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In other news, my period still hasn't shown up. I did take a pregnancy test that came up negative, but I'm not sure how accurate it might have been.

Also, today I took a nap, because I was going to fall asleep whether I wanted to or not.

Don't quite know what to make of everything right now.

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My in-laws have had one of their vehicles in the shop since Monday (I know, it's only been 2 days, but it's fairly inconvenient for us). Hopefully tomorrow they will have all the cars back here again. I'm getting a bit stir crazy and the only vehicle we currently have available has no working a/c, hurts Ace when he tries to drive it, is hard to get into, and we both hate. So, we are stuck here.

On the plus side, the in-laws are currently planning to be out of town Friday night/most of the day Saturday. Ace and I are talking about ordering a pizza to celebrate our chance to be alone.

Socially Awkward

I have come to the conclusion lately that my inner crotchety old person comes out when it comes to social networking. It's not that I'm a hermit, it's just that I prefer more hermit like living in general.

This spills over from internet into real life too. I have friends, good ones, but few that I feel I can tell just anything to. Mostly because most of my friends don't have the time to devote to talking with me on a large variety of subjects and connecting solidly with me to get me to the point where I feel like I've effectively built a close relationship. It's not their fault that my brain declares me to be a time-intensive person to have a close relationship, I totally understand them feeling that other things in their lives are more important, because they are. It doesn't mean that the relationships are lacking closeness, it just means there are topics that I don't discuss with them (always politics, religion and/or sex, depending on the friend).

That is really the only part that spills over from social networking sites. For the most part, I find that I'm fairly sure that I couldn't effectively communicate most of the time in only 140 characters. I find that when I do update my FaceBook status, it's usually with something silly and inane that means nothing in the long run. I am always forgetting to take my camera with me when I go to see people, so I don't have a lot of pictures.

It's not that I'm against social networking. I just don't see it as something that is important for me. I'd prefer an e-mail from my extended family. I'd rather take the time to go visit my dad and have a real conversation. I'd rather not obsess over which one(s) of my cousins is pregnant. Social networking may keep me more plugged into what's happening with my family, but there are some things I'd rather not know.

So, the crotchety old lady in me keeps waving her cane at the social networking sites and yelling for them to get off her lawn. She's connected enough, thank you.

Late

I'm back in that vague waiting state. My period is late, but I'm resisting testing to see if my period is just late or if I'm pregnant.

This delay has been coupled with feeling more tired than usual, although that could be blamed on the heat.

I'm late, but I'm waiting.

Distracted

I haven't forgotten about this place, I've just been distracted with other stuff lately. Ace and I have been playing lots of World of Warcraft. And I've been distracted with other computer games too.

I've finally done something to learn how to knit (after saying something a LONG time ago about learning to knit). I bought a starting kit at Wal-mart on Tuesday. I'm not sure how well I'll learn to knit just based on the book in the kit, but there are YouTube videos about knitting if I need the help.

So, pardon the dust around here, I've been distracted lately. It may stay a bit dusty around here for a little while I learn to knit. But I'll try to come back by and post somewhat more regularly.

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

For my book, I've had to look up info on stalking. The whole thing sounds horrific from a victim's standpoint. It's good on one hand, because it'll be able to make my main character more believable in her fear.

However, it's taught me things I wish I didn't know. Things about how often women report stalking behavior. Things that a huge part of me will never be able to forget. It'll add things to my book, it'll make my book more real, it'll potentially give me nightmares.

I wish stalking wasn't a problem. That people didn't obsess or took no for an answer. That everyone who's been stalked would be able to feel safe as soon as they can get away from their stalker. I wish stalking was something that never happened.

So, yeah. That's where I'm at right now.