Sometimes, no matter how good a mood I am in, some part of me wants to cry. To feel the sadness of someone else. To give into depression some, for a little bit.
It's tempting. So tempting to stop fighting and just sink down into feeling upset and just lay around. To not fight it off anymore.
It's tiring, fighting off depression. Fighting to hold onto hope that tomorrow will be better, that this month will have better news, that the next phone call will be the positive change that I've been waiting on.
I'm not giving up, but I'm tired. I'm so very tired in ways that aren't truly physical, despite my body's claims otherwise. I'm tired of my emotions spinning out my control. I'm tired of trying to control them.
I'm tired of hurting inside for no real reason. I'm tired of the pain and the emotional aches that turn into physical ones because my body doesn't know how else to deal with them.
I'm tired of being tired.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 6
or Ahh! Things Have Gone Crazy
Um, yeah. It's been slightly hard to stay calm over here lately. The past two nights, we've had earthquakes in Oklahoma. Noticeable ones.
Friday night, while my father-in-law was at work and my mother-in-law was in bed, Ace and I were relaxing. We were talking about possibly getting romantic, and I was changing some clothes, when suddenly the walls started shaking. At first, I thought someone was trying to open the door to our bedroom (with the door locked). Ace thought there may have been someone on the roof. Turns out, it was a 4.7 earthquake elsewhere in Oklahoma.
Last night, shortly before 11 p.m., the ground shook and the walls shook. There was no confusing it, Oklahoma was having another earthquake. What was originally said to be a 5.2 was upgraded to a 5.6 earthquake. It was felt in parts of Texas, Kansas, Missouri, and Arkansas in addition to Oklahoma.
I've been trying to calm myself some. I've only known that Oklahoma has earthquakes for a few years now and after experiencing 2 in 2 days, I'm a little freaked out about it. I'd rather go back to only having to wonder about tornadoes, they are bad enough.
So, yeah. Earthquakes in Oklahoma. What is proper procedure for earthquakes?
Um, yeah. It's been slightly hard to stay calm over here lately. The past two nights, we've had earthquakes in Oklahoma. Noticeable ones.
Friday night, while my father-in-law was at work and my mother-in-law was in bed, Ace and I were relaxing. We were talking about possibly getting romantic, and I was changing some clothes, when suddenly the walls started shaking. At first, I thought someone was trying to open the door to our bedroom (with the door locked). Ace thought there may have been someone on the roof. Turns out, it was a 4.7 earthquake elsewhere in Oklahoma.
Last night, shortly before 11 p.m., the ground shook and the walls shook. There was no confusing it, Oklahoma was having another earthquake. What was originally said to be a 5.2 was upgraded to a 5.6 earthquake. It was felt in parts of Texas, Kansas, Missouri, and Arkansas in addition to Oklahoma.
I've been trying to calm myself some. I've only known that Oklahoma has earthquakes for a few years now and after experiencing 2 in 2 days, I'm a little freaked out about it. I'd rather go back to only having to wonder about tornadoes, they are bad enough.
So, yeah. Earthquakes in Oklahoma. What is proper procedure for earthquakes?
Saturday, November 5, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 5
or What Makes a Family Anyway?
The main book I wanted to pick up from the library Wednesday was a book called One Big Happy Family. It's a book with essays by various writers about different types of families you can find in these times. It's been interesting, and it's had me thinking.
What makes a family? Is it blood? Is it experiences? Is it living under one roof? Or is it love?
The common theme in the essays I've read so far has been one of love. The love of a husband and wife. The love of a parent for a child. The type of love that surpasses cultural challenges and societal norms for the areas they live in. The type of love that puts someone else's needs over their own.
The essay that has stuck with me the most, so far, has been one by a woman who is (or was) trying to figure out what her relationship with her son's nanny is now that some life changes demand that they are redefining things. Are they friends? Are they family?
How do we define family? How does someone go from stranger to friend to family member? I don't have answers to those questions, despite having it happen. In the absence of my extended family on my mom's side, I sort of made my own extended family. And yet, I can't say how these people, who mean a lot to me and feel like important bits of my family, came to be in that place.
Ace and I have been talking about various things that made me want to read about different types of families. It's probably a good thing. It makes me think, it makes me grow. And yet, it leaves me with questions.
How do we decide what makes a family?
The main book I wanted to pick up from the library Wednesday was a book called One Big Happy Family. It's a book with essays by various writers about different types of families you can find in these times. It's been interesting, and it's had me thinking.
What makes a family? Is it blood? Is it experiences? Is it living under one roof? Or is it love?
The common theme in the essays I've read so far has been one of love. The love of a husband and wife. The love of a parent for a child. The type of love that surpasses cultural challenges and societal norms for the areas they live in. The type of love that puts someone else's needs over their own.
The essay that has stuck with me the most, so far, has been one by a woman who is (or was) trying to figure out what her relationship with her son's nanny is now that some life changes demand that they are redefining things. Are they friends? Are they family?
How do we define family? How does someone go from stranger to friend to family member? I don't have answers to those questions, despite having it happen. In the absence of my extended family on my mom's side, I sort of made my own extended family. And yet, I can't say how these people, who mean a lot to me and feel like important bits of my family, came to be in that place.
Ace and I have been talking about various things that made me want to read about different types of families. It's probably a good thing. It makes me think, it makes me grow. And yet, it leaves me with questions.
How do we decide what makes a family?
Friday, November 4, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 4
I Am a "Bad Woman"
Catherine of Her Bad Mother wrote The Bad Mother Manifesto
in June of 2009. It is well worth a read and should be read to understand the rest of my post. Really, my post will wait for you.
Catherine neatly covers the problems moms face based on this illusive, faceless perfect mom. I have a different person haunting me. It's the perfect woman. I'm not sure if she's just in my head, but she does haunt me. If only I were less lazy or less sore, maybe I'd be more stylish or have a paying job or just be able to do my entire mental list of everyday household chores.
The problem with this perfect woman is that no matter how I change I still won't be perfect. If I am a perfect housewife, keep my kitchen stocked, floors clean enough to eat off of, and my laundry not only never gets wrinkled by sitting too long in the dryer but is ironed just to make sure it looks perfect, there would still be the lingering wonder if I should also somehow be earning a paycheck and enriching my household that way.
I blame the feminist movement for this mythical perfect woman that haunts me. It's not that I think the feminists were trying to do anything harmful to women. On the contrary, they were trying to make their lives better. Unfortunately, my whole life it has felt like whatever choice I make in life, it's the wrong one.
If I choose to be a housewife (which I did), I can mentally hear people asking why I wasted my time going to college to work on a degree that I am not using. I can hear them asking what value I have to society, being a housewife. If I choose to work, I know that my house will start to look like a tornado hit it because there isn't enough hours in the day to keep it looking neat and clean while working (I've seen it happen). And shouldn't I be ashamed that I can't work so many hours and still stay on top of laundry and dishes, which were the only chores I seemed to handle keeping up as a housewife?
If I choose to have children, I wonder if I should bring more people into this crowded world. If I choose not to have children, I wonder if I'm missing something vital. If I have problems getting pregnant, I wonder if there is something wrong with my body or my choice of husband because I'm not pregnant. If I find that I'm infertile, I'm sure that specter of a perfect woman will haunt me even more. Surely she would handle infertility better and calmer than I would. She wouldn't wonder which things to try or if she can bear it. She wouldn't break down and cry in frustration over having problems. If I choose to adopt, I'm sure I would wonder if I could ever live up whatever I think my child's birth mother would be like or would do.
This perfect woman, the ever changing, illusive being, haunts my mind. I am not perfect. I never have and never will claim to be. And all these questions from these random nosy people, even if they only exist in my mind, they don't ever want to shut up. So, I stop trying to please them.
Instead, I talk with Ace and find out what he wants me to do. While his list of ideal chores I'd get done weekly is much longer than what I actually do accomplish when I have a house to keep, he doesn't complain that it's not enough. He understands that I have limits. He'd rather I not push myself past the point of hurting.
I have to get to the point where I accept that this perfect woman and I will never be the same. I am not going to try to be flawless. My house won't look like I'm devoted to following Martha Stewart's ideas of how a home should look.
And you know what, I think I'm okay with that.
Call me what you will on a scale of good to bad. I'm going to make sure Ace knows that I love him. I'll make sure we have clean clothes, even if they don't make it into the dresser before being worn again. And when we have kids, I'll make sure they know they are more important than how the house looks or getting chores done. And if that eventually makes me a bad mother, that's okay too. My kids will survive.
Catherine of Her Bad Mother wrote The Bad Mother Manifesto
in June of 2009. It is well worth a read and should be read to understand the rest of my post. Really, my post will wait for you.
Catherine neatly covers the problems moms face based on this illusive, faceless perfect mom. I have a different person haunting me. It's the perfect woman. I'm not sure if she's just in my head, but she does haunt me. If only I were less lazy or less sore, maybe I'd be more stylish or have a paying job or just be able to do my entire mental list of everyday household chores.
The problem with this perfect woman is that no matter how I change I still won't be perfect. If I am a perfect housewife, keep my kitchen stocked, floors clean enough to eat off of, and my laundry not only never gets wrinkled by sitting too long in the dryer but is ironed just to make sure it looks perfect, there would still be the lingering wonder if I should also somehow be earning a paycheck and enriching my household that way.
I blame the feminist movement for this mythical perfect woman that haunts me. It's not that I think the feminists were trying to do anything harmful to women. On the contrary, they were trying to make their lives better. Unfortunately, my whole life it has felt like whatever choice I make in life, it's the wrong one.
If I choose to be a housewife (which I did), I can mentally hear people asking why I wasted my time going to college to work on a degree that I am not using. I can hear them asking what value I have to society, being a housewife. If I choose to work, I know that my house will start to look like a tornado hit it because there isn't enough hours in the day to keep it looking neat and clean while working (I've seen it happen). And shouldn't I be ashamed that I can't work so many hours and still stay on top of laundry and dishes, which were the only chores I seemed to handle keeping up as a housewife?
If I choose to have children, I wonder if I should bring more people into this crowded world. If I choose not to have children, I wonder if I'm missing something vital. If I have problems getting pregnant, I wonder if there is something wrong with my body or my choice of husband because I'm not pregnant. If I find that I'm infertile, I'm sure that specter of a perfect woman will haunt me even more. Surely she would handle infertility better and calmer than I would. She wouldn't wonder which things to try or if she can bear it. She wouldn't break down and cry in frustration over having problems. If I choose to adopt, I'm sure I would wonder if I could ever live up whatever I think my child's birth mother would be like or would do.
This perfect woman, the ever changing, illusive being, haunts my mind. I am not perfect. I never have and never will claim to be. And all these questions from these random nosy people, even if they only exist in my mind, they don't ever want to shut up. So, I stop trying to please them.
Instead, I talk with Ace and find out what he wants me to do. While his list of ideal chores I'd get done weekly is much longer than what I actually do accomplish when I have a house to keep, he doesn't complain that it's not enough. He understands that I have limits. He'd rather I not push myself past the point of hurting.
I have to get to the point where I accept that this perfect woman and I will never be the same. I am not going to try to be flawless. My house won't look like I'm devoted to following Martha Stewart's ideas of how a home should look.
And you know what, I think I'm okay with that.
Call me what you will on a scale of good to bad. I'm going to make sure Ace knows that I love him. I'll make sure we have clean clothes, even if they don't make it into the dresser before being worn again. And when we have kids, I'll make sure they know they are more important than how the house looks or getting chores done. And if that eventually makes me a bad mother, that's okay too. My kids will survive.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 3
Lately, although I haven't been talking about it here, I've been a bundle of nerves and insecurity. There's been a couple of reasons and at least one of them has been fully removed.
The other reason I've been nervous and insecure isn't going to go away nearly as quickly. D and I have been talking about things that have triggered some of the stuff that my mother broke about me. And I guess it's time to fully fix those bits and pieces that are broken.
I'm doing better now. This week hasn't seemed quite as "bad" as the past few weeks. I'm adjusting and working on the problem.
But the reminder that I'm still so broken was a bit shocking. I thought I was doing better than that. But I now know that I'm stronger, even in my broken parts, than I thought I was. I have seen warning signs of depression, but I staved it off each time before it hit. I'm doing better, even while having bad days.
I may never fully feel like I'm not broken, but at least I'm not feeling like it's impossible to fix the broken pieces.
The other reason I've been nervous and insecure isn't going to go away nearly as quickly. D and I have been talking about things that have triggered some of the stuff that my mother broke about me. And I guess it's time to fully fix those bits and pieces that are broken.
I'm doing better now. This week hasn't seemed quite as "bad" as the past few weeks. I'm adjusting and working on the problem.
But the reminder that I'm still so broken was a bit shocking. I thought I was doing better than that. But I now know that I'm stronger, even in my broken parts, than I thought I was. I have seen warning signs of depression, but I staved it off each time before it hit. I'm doing better, even while having bad days.
I may never fully feel like I'm not broken, but at least I'm not feeling like it's impossible to fix the broken pieces.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 2
Or The Return of Bad Spam
>From: OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
No clue if this is a legitimate e-mail address.
>To: redacted e-mail address
Not the e-mail address connected to this blog, so it stays private.
>Sent: Sat, Sep 24, 2011 12:06 am
>Subject: Flag this message FLAG URGENT REPORT FROM U.S GOVERNMENT:VIEW >LINK:http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
I know nothing about this link, so you probably shouldn't click it.
>ATTN:" CONCERNED [CITIZEN]
But am I really a concerned citizen if citizen is put in special marks?
>OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
As opposed to the office of Kenya's president Barack Obama? Or do they just want to make sure I know which US president it is?
>Head office: The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500
Ooh, they looked up The White House's address. Fancy.
>Email: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net.
Yeah, I'm sure they president uses a netzero account for his email. The government was too cheap to give him an official government one, right?
> CONFIRMATION OF FUNDS TRANSFER
Wait, the US president wants to give me money? Let's hear him out.
>Attn. AUTHORITY TO GRANT RELEASE OF FUNDS
Yes, release the funds to me!
>After a Seven (7) days intensive board meeting on your behalf by the Internal
>board of trustees of the (G.C.F.R) President Of the Federal Republic Of Nigeria
>in person Dr. Good Luck Jonathan Ebere Also in conjunction with The president of
>United states of America in person of Barack Obama as we both have agreed to
>help you instruct all concerned dignitaries in custody of your Inheritance
>Beneficiary funds/compensation funds also your contract sum here Nigerian AND
>any other Governmental body in United states of America also all over the rest
>world at large that upon the presentation of this letter document they will
>immediately release with immediate effect your impounded / seized funds as a
>result of negligence on your part in the past.
Goodluck (all one word) Jonathan (and no Ebere, something to keep in mind) is the current president of Nigeria. But why would either Goodluck Jonathan or President Obama meet on my behalf? Shouldn't States be capitalized in United States of America? What inheritance benefits would I, a white woman in the US, have in Nigeria? Why would inheritance and beneficiary be capitalized? What rights to the presidents of Nigeria and the USA have over the rest of the world that this e-mail would make the world's governments make my life easier in this matter? Are they blackmailing the world? What negligence have I committed?
>The only advice I have for you is that you try and present this paper document
>to those authorities in custody of your funds also on before you provide this
>Guarantee paper to any authority, There is a great need for you to seek adequate
>advice with us by contacting United States Secret Service Agent In PERSON OF
>JOHN KIRK WOOD USSS/ CIA SPECIAL AGENT VIA :[ intelligencecommunity3@gmail.com
>] so that you may well be appropriately educated about the due process of law.
Because the CIA and the Secret Service share agents now? And the government is too cheap to give either agency their own e-mail system so they have to use gmail? Shouldn't I be consulting an attorney to find out about due process of law (and isn't that used in criminal cases)?
>It is also on this issue that the Two of us have embarked on several
>international visits to different countries, trying to reconcile the face of our
>nation with our foreign investor nations Based on the out come of the meeting,
>it was observed that the problem that has hindered your is payment is as a
>result negligence on your side. Your problem is no problem if only you would
>comply also all you have to do is to make sure that you carry out the orders as
>directed by the two us so that you in turn get a positive result without no
>further delays.
So, to not have delays in receiving an inheritance I knew nothing about I have to follow the advice in this e-mail? And somehow, me not doing anything to get an inheritance I just found out about has been negligence? And it's harmed the US's reputation with foreign investor nations? Me leaving money I supposedly have a right to alone is causing problems?
>Note that failure to correspond to instruction will hinder all that you have
>ever worked for, so it is best you comply with the officer in charge as directed
>so that you will be helped. I must congratulate you once more that you have
>shown authenticity as one of the beneficiary that is ever willing to receive his
>fund, with out any further delay; Our office supersedes all other offices
>related because our word is our bond also because your fund is currently under
>insurance, henceforth, We both assure you our Guarantee as you can see clearly
>within the content of this document that we have both agreed to help bridge the
>long gap between you and any legal authority in custody of your funds in
>accordance with the law .We swear before you that you will be paid in due time.
>Further more, your funds is safe in the hands of your assigned officer in
>respect of Special Agent John Kirkwood , all you have to do is to keep security
>in check with the officer at all times so that you get
>paid without much delay. Do not dispose the useful information�s received
>through us to any individual without proper identification from such individual.
Failure to respond will hinder my lack of doing anything prior to this point? Or do you mean you will somehow retroactively go in and mess my house up in the past? But I'm authentically showing my willingness to get money I didn't know about? I should trust that you have authority, because you say you do? If my funds are (sorry, is) in the hands of Agent Kirkwood, why wouldn't he be authorized to just bring me a check? I have ID (although, I don't have ID that just says citizen on it). Is Agent Kirkwood going to give me his phone number, so I can check in with him all the time? And I should be checking IDs of everyone? Mr. President, can I see your ID to know that you are who you claim you are?
>Finally, you are to call or mail the officer in charge so that he be able to
>instruct you what to do, as we both have instructed, so shall you do. Endeavor
>to keep off crime by reporting unsolicited emails regarding fake offices. Your
>payment is released immediately you get in touch with the officer as directed.
You didn't give me a number to call Agent Kirkwood, so I guess I'll have to send him an e-mail. Is he prompt to respond? Will he show me ID? You want me to stop crime by reporting unsolicited e-mails such as this one? Talk about your mixed messages! You talked about a wait, then you say he'll give me the money immediately. Mr. President, which is it?
>Try to ensure safety by respecting the power of this very office and the law as
>stipulated.
I do respect the power of the office of President, but I'm beginning to doubt this is from my president. He has yet to show me any ID.
>Further comments should be directed to the very office of the personal secretary
>to the office of the United States president .via: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net
Oh, they won't give the personal secretary of the President his or her own e-mail address. The government must be trying to crack down on excess spending (yeah, right).
>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/ group/main/main/id/00011272. html
Still don't know what this link is about. Still don't trust it.
>Good Luck
Where's your ID?
>Signed and duly stamped by
Ooh, where?
>PRESIDENT G.C.F.R DR GOOD LUCK JONATHAN FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.
According to Wikipedia, Goodluck is all one word. Show me some ID so I know it's not.
>PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BARACK OBAMA
Where is your signature Mr. President? And your ID, so I can compare the two.
>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
They really like this link.
>Your wish is our concern.
I wish for all my debts to be paid and to have a nice house and a couple of nice cars and enough money for Ace to never have to work again. Oh, and I'd like to have kids. Get back to me on those.
>Sincerely yours
Gee, thanks!
>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
She stopped being President Obama's secretary in June of this year. Why is she still sending out e-mails in September?
>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Not anymore. At least, not that I can tell. Don't know who is his secretary now, but it's not Ms. Johnson.
>Please do view link below.
Please don't.
>http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
Again with this link?
>Your wish is our concern.
Okay, this time I want a pony.
>Sincerely yours
Cordially sounds nicer at this point.
>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
Didn't we cover this already?
>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Yes, these last lines were in the e-mail twice.
So, yeah. Not going to follow up on this. It's over a month old anyway. It's not that hard to figure out it's spam mail, but making it supposedly come from the President of the US made it feel a bit more unique (at least it wasn't from the head of the FBI again).
Hopefully I'll get something else in my spam folder that looks fun to pull apart soon.
>From: OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
No clue if this is a legitimate e-mail address.
>To: redacted e-mail address
Not the e-mail address connected to this blog, so it stays private.
>Sent: Sat, Sep 24, 2011 12:06 am
>Subject: Flag this message FLAG URGENT REPORT FROM U.S GOVERNMENT:VIEW >LINK:http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
I know nothing about this link, so you probably shouldn't click it.
>ATTN:" CONCERNED [CITIZEN]
But am I really a concerned citizen if citizen is put in special marks?
>OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
As opposed to the office of Kenya's president Barack Obama? Or do they just want to make sure I know which US president it is?
>Head office: The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500
Ooh, they looked up The White House's address. Fancy.
>Email: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net.
Yeah, I'm sure they president uses a netzero account for his email. The government was too cheap to give him an official government one, right?
> CONFIRMATION OF FUNDS TRANSFER
Wait, the US president wants to give me money? Let's hear him out.
>Attn. AUTHORITY TO GRANT RELEASE OF FUNDS
Yes, release the funds to me!
>After a Seven (7) days intensive board meeting on your behalf by the Internal
>board of trustees of the (G.C.F.R) President Of the Federal Republic Of Nigeria
>in person Dr. Good Luck Jonathan Ebere Also in conjunction with The president of
>United states of America in person of Barack Obama as we both have agreed to
>help you instruct all concerned dignitaries in custody of your Inheritance
>Beneficiary funds/compensation funds also your contract sum here Nigerian AND
>any other Governmental body in United states of America also all over the rest
>world at large that upon the presentation of this letter document they will
>immediately release with immediate effect your impounded / seized funds as a
>result of negligence on your part in the past.
Goodluck (all one word) Jonathan (and no Ebere, something to keep in mind) is the current president of Nigeria. But why would either Goodluck Jonathan or President Obama meet on my behalf? Shouldn't States be capitalized in United States of America? What inheritance benefits would I, a white woman in the US, have in Nigeria? Why would inheritance and beneficiary be capitalized? What rights to the presidents of Nigeria and the USA have over the rest of the world that this e-mail would make the world's governments make my life easier in this matter? Are they blackmailing the world? What negligence have I committed?
>The only advice I have for you is that you try and present this paper document
>to those authorities in custody of your funds also on before you provide this
>Guarantee paper to any authority, There is a great need for you to seek adequate
>advice with us by contacting United States Secret Service Agent In PERSON OF
>JOHN KIRK WOOD USSS/ CIA SPECIAL AGENT VIA :[ intelligencecommunity3@gmail.com
>] so that you may well be appropriately educated about the due process of law.
Because the CIA and the Secret Service share agents now? And the government is too cheap to give either agency their own e-mail system so they have to use gmail? Shouldn't I be consulting an attorney to find out about due process of law (and isn't that used in criminal cases)?
>It is also on this issue that the Two of us have embarked on several
>international visits to different countries, trying to reconcile the face of our
>nation with our foreign investor nations Based on the out come of the meeting,
>it was observed that the problem that has hindered your is payment is as a
>result negligence on your side. Your problem is no problem if only you would
>comply also all you have to do is to make sure that you carry out the orders as
>directed by the two us so that you in turn get a positive result without no
>further delays.
So, to not have delays in receiving an inheritance I knew nothing about I have to follow the advice in this e-mail? And somehow, me not doing anything to get an inheritance I just found out about has been negligence? And it's harmed the US's reputation with foreign investor nations? Me leaving money I supposedly have a right to alone is causing problems?
>Note that failure to correspond to instruction will hinder all that you have
>ever worked for, so it is best you comply with the officer in charge as directed
>so that you will be helped. I must congratulate you once more that you have
>shown authenticity as one of the beneficiary that is ever willing to receive his
>fund, with out any further delay; Our office supersedes all other offices
>related because our word is our bond also because your fund is currently under
>insurance, henceforth, We both assure you our Guarantee as you can see clearly
>within the content of this document that we have both agreed to help bridge the
>long gap between you and any legal authority in custody of your funds in
>accordance with the law .We swear before you that you will be paid in due time.
>Further more, your funds is safe in the hands of your assigned officer in
>respect of Special Agent John Kirkwood , all you have to do is to keep security
>in check with the officer at all times so that you get
>paid without much delay. Do not dispose the useful information�s received
>through us to any individual without proper identification from such individual.
Failure to respond will hinder my lack of doing anything prior to this point? Or do you mean you will somehow retroactively go in and mess my house up in the past? But I'm authentically showing my willingness to get money I didn't know about? I should trust that you have authority, because you say you do? If my funds are (sorry, is) in the hands of Agent Kirkwood, why wouldn't he be authorized to just bring me a check? I have ID (although, I don't have ID that just says citizen on it). Is Agent Kirkwood going to give me his phone number, so I can check in with him all the time? And I should be checking IDs of everyone? Mr. President, can I see your ID to know that you are who you claim you are?
>Finally, you are to call or mail the officer in charge so that he be able to
>instruct you what to do, as we both have instructed, so shall you do. Endeavor
>to keep off crime by reporting unsolicited emails regarding fake offices. Your
>payment is released immediately you get in touch with the officer as directed.
You didn't give me a number to call Agent Kirkwood, so I guess I'll have to send him an e-mail. Is he prompt to respond? Will he show me ID? You want me to stop crime by reporting unsolicited e-mails such as this one? Talk about your mixed messages! You talked about a wait, then you say he'll give me the money immediately. Mr. President, which is it?
>Try to ensure safety by respecting the power of this very office and the law as
>stipulated.
I do respect the power of the office of President, but I'm beginning to doubt this is from my president. He has yet to show me any ID.
>Further comments should be directed to the very office of the personal secretary
>to the office of the United States president .via: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net
Oh, they won't give the personal secretary of the President his or her own e-mail address. The government must be trying to crack down on excess spending (yeah, right).
>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/ group/main/main/id/00011272. html
Still don't know what this link is about. Still don't trust it.
>Good Luck
Where's your ID?
>Signed and duly stamped by
Ooh, where?
>PRESIDENT G.C.F.R DR GOOD LUCK JONATHAN FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.
According to Wikipedia, Goodluck is all one word. Show me some ID so I know it's not.
>PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BARACK OBAMA
Where is your signature Mr. President? And your ID, so I can compare the two.
>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
They really like this link.
>Your wish is our concern.
I wish for all my debts to be paid and to have a nice house and a couple of nice cars and enough money for Ace to never have to work again. Oh, and I'd like to have kids. Get back to me on those.
>Sincerely yours
Gee, thanks!
>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
She stopped being President Obama's secretary in June of this year. Why is she still sending out e-mails in September?
>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Not anymore. At least, not that I can tell. Don't know who is his secretary now, but it's not Ms. Johnson.
>Please do view link below.
Please don't.
>http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
Again with this link?
>Your wish is our concern.
Okay, this time I want a pony.
>Sincerely yours
Cordially sounds nicer at this point.
>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
Didn't we cover this already?
>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Yes, these last lines were in the e-mail twice.
So, yeah. Not going to follow up on this. It's over a month old anyway. It's not that hard to figure out it's spam mail, but making it supposedly come from the President of the US made it feel a bit more unique (at least it wasn't from the head of the FBI again).
Hopefully I'll get something else in my spam folder that looks fun to pull apart soon.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 1
This year, I'm once again doing National Blog Posting Month. For the next 30 days, I will be posting daily. This year, I don't think I'll have a theme for the month. Thankfulness is a good thing and I'm glad I focused on that last year. Next year I may decide to go back to focusing on something for the month or I may decide not to do NaBloPoMo.
I do have some things I want to talk about, things that I've been thinking about and letting sit. It gives me something to post about this month.
And for now, I think I'm just happy with stating that I'm going to be writing everyday in November. Hopefully I'll stretch my writing skills more as the month goes by.
I do have some things I want to talk about, things that I've been thinking about and letting sit. It gives me something to post about this month.
And for now, I think I'm just happy with stating that I'm going to be writing everyday in November. Hopefully I'll stretch my writing skills more as the month goes by.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Waiting for the Phone to Ring
Ace has been getting a lot more phone calls lately with potential jobs. This is good.
However, I don't know how long it will be until he has a job. So we are playing the waiting game. It's frustrating and neither of us is fond of it.
Ace is, of course, still applying for jobs. Hopefully we'll hear back from somebody soon with an interview that turns into a job offer.
Until then, we are mostly waiting for the phone to ring.
However, I don't know how long it will be until he has a job. So we are playing the waiting game. It's frustrating and neither of us is fond of it.
Ace is, of course, still applying for jobs. Hopefully we'll hear back from somebody soon with an interview that turns into a job offer.
Until then, we are mostly waiting for the phone to ring.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Broken-ish
There is something wrong with my in-laws' thermostat or a/c. It's been on cool and set around 72 degrees, but it hasn't seemed to actually cool off in the house.
I mention this only because it has been freakishly hot in this house for late October.
I'm hoping the weather starts cooling back down and we can stop needing the fans to cool off. (Blankets/jackets to stay warm are a totally different matter.)
I mention this only because it has been freakishly hot in this house for late October.
I'm hoping the weather starts cooling back down and we can stop needing the fans to cool off. (Blankets/jackets to stay warm are a totally different matter.)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
31
Today, I turned 31. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. The day has been fairly good over all. I had lots of people wish me Happy Birthday, which made me feel warm and fuzzy.
My in-laws didn't do nearly as good a job at creating warm fuzzy feelings today. They didn't realize it was my birthday until late (which didn't really bother me much, but it did sting). They made an offer to take me to a place they chose for dessert tonight, even though I hadn't had dinner yet. They didn't check to see how late where they chose was open.
My in-laws took a chance to do something halfway decent for me late in the day on my birthday and made it all about them. I'm not saying they should have tried to make my day completely wonderful, but an effort to find out where I wanted to go for a dessert might have been nice. All they would have had to do was ask and let me think for a few minutes.
And this is why I'm ready for us to be on our own.
My in-laws didn't do nearly as good a job at creating warm fuzzy feelings today. They didn't realize it was my birthday until late (which didn't really bother me much, but it did sting). They made an offer to take me to a place they chose for dessert tonight, even though I hadn't had dinner yet. They didn't check to see how late where they chose was open.
My in-laws took a chance to do something halfway decent for me late in the day on my birthday and made it all about them. I'm not saying they should have tried to make my day completely wonderful, but an effort to find out where I wanted to go for a dessert might have been nice. All they would have had to do was ask and let me think for a few minutes.
And this is why I'm ready for us to be on our own.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I'm a Mother Hen
One of my cousins, one that I haven't seen in a long time, is having some issues with her father. There's a big story there that I really don't want to think about or go into. He did some crazy, bad thing and is in jail now. He, apparently, wants to hear from her more often. She has kids she's raising, is pregnant, and is on bed rest. She is in no position to write him daily (which is what he wants).
She is just ready to stop all contact, from what I can tell. As much as I hate to see that, sometimes it's for the best. I sent her a message to let her know that I understand and I won't push her into any contact. I let her know she has at least one family member on her side. She doesn't need the extra stress, something bad at any time but worse when she's on bed rest. She doesn't need to sacrifice some part of herself to make someone who effectively took himself out of her life happier (or less whiny).
Sometimes, I feel like a mother hen. I want to protect the world from itself. At the very least, I want my cousin to know that she has someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation (not wanting to be hurt by a parent anymore) who will offer her a safe place to feel less alone. Someone to say it's okay to stop talking to someone who hurts you emotionally even if they aren't hurting you physically. Someone to say it's okay to protect yourself and your family.
I helped my cousin feel better. It made me feel better. I can't change the situation, but I can let her know that she isn't alone. Sometimes, just having one person say that they understand can make all the difference.
I wish I had had someone like me when I was where she's at right now. I'm thankful that I can be there for her.
She is just ready to stop all contact, from what I can tell. As much as I hate to see that, sometimes it's for the best. I sent her a message to let her know that I understand and I won't push her into any contact. I let her know she has at least one family member on her side. She doesn't need the extra stress, something bad at any time but worse when she's on bed rest. She doesn't need to sacrifice some part of herself to make someone who effectively took himself out of her life happier (or less whiny).
Sometimes, I feel like a mother hen. I want to protect the world from itself. At the very least, I want my cousin to know that she has someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation (not wanting to be hurt by a parent anymore) who will offer her a safe place to feel less alone. Someone to say it's okay to stop talking to someone who hurts you emotionally even if they aren't hurting you physically. Someone to say it's okay to protect yourself and your family.
I helped my cousin feel better. It made me feel better. I can't change the situation, but I can let her know that she isn't alone. Sometimes, just having one person say that they understand can make all the difference.
I wish I had had someone like me when I was where she's at right now. I'm thankful that I can be there for her.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Random Thoughts
My father-in-law decided to change what day he does laundry. We got no notice of this before hand. That seems like the kind of thing you should tell someone.
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When my mother-in-law is no where around, my father-in-law suddenly seems to be much happier and easier to get along with. When she is around, he is generally in a bad mood.
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If my father-in-law needs a nap in the afternoon to be somewhat human again, why do my in-laws keep scheduling stuff for the afternoons that interferes with his chances to get that nap?
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My birthday is coming up. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now.
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Why does my mother-in-law feel the need to share random crap she half remembers from the tv/news with me? And why did she encourage me to get pregnant and discourage it at the same time?
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I hate waiting. Hopefully Ace will get a phone call soon and life will start looking much brighter again.
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I had a dream recently that I was moving in with my mom. I woke up hugging myself (I was hugging her in the dream). I'm still not quite sure what my brain was trying to work out there.
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I think I'll stop here. I'm starting to run out of random thoughts. And now, I'm going to curl up with something that makes me laugh and stop focusing on so many negative things.
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When my mother-in-law is no where around, my father-in-law suddenly seems to be much happier and easier to get along with. When she is around, he is generally in a bad mood.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If my father-in-law needs a nap in the afternoon to be somewhat human again, why do my in-laws keep scheduling stuff for the afternoons that interferes with his chances to get that nap?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My birthday is coming up. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does my mother-in-law feel the need to share random crap she half remembers from the tv/news with me? And why did she encourage me to get pregnant and discourage it at the same time?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate waiting. Hopefully Ace will get a phone call soon and life will start looking much brighter again.
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I had a dream recently that I was moving in with my mom. I woke up hugging myself (I was hugging her in the dream). I'm still not quite sure what my brain was trying to work out there.
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I think I'll stop here. I'm starting to run out of random thoughts. And now, I'm going to curl up with something that makes me laugh and stop focusing on so many negative things.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Why Anonymous?
After nearly 4 and 1/2 years posting here anonymously, I figure it's time I write about why this blog is anonymous.
4 and 1/2 years ago, I had a different blog. One that was know by my family. One that was probably read by at least some of my family. It was similar in lots of ways to this blog. I talked about random stuff that was on my mind and things that were happening.
But, I found myself censoring much of what I wanted to say. I didn't want my father to read about my sex life, because we have a mutual understanding that we each pretend the other doesn't have sex and thus our mental states stay free from acknowledging that the other is human with human sexual needs. We are both happier that way. I also found myself wanting to write about stuff with my mother, but not willing to write it where either she could read it or at least our mutual family members could read it.
At some point, something happened that brought about me feeling like I couldn't write anything there. I felt stifled by my self-imposed restrictions. I felt like I needed to write posts to mentally deal with things, but I couldn't write there any more.
So, I started a new blog. I decided to be anonymous, although the veil of anonymity is fairly thin sometimes. If any one who knows what is going on in my life (at this point, mostly my in-laws) were to read this blog, they would likely know I was the one writing it (as far as I know, they have no clue about blogs and thus I am fairly safe from them). It's a place for me to figure out how I feel about things or to write about what is happening.
Even here, I limit some topics. I don't constantly whine about my in-laws, because I'd rather think about more positive things. I don't talk about politics ever, I rarely think about such things. I rarely talk about my faith because it's so personal to me and it seems like the kind of thing to protect. I only occasionally talk about sex, because it also seems like the kind of thing to protect.
I don't plan, at this point, to stop being anonymous here. Anonymity suits me for this place. It gives me more freedom to talk about various things. It's not like I'm hiding my personality, just my name.
4 and 1/2 years ago, I had a different blog. One that was know by my family. One that was probably read by at least some of my family. It was similar in lots of ways to this blog. I talked about random stuff that was on my mind and things that were happening.
But, I found myself censoring much of what I wanted to say. I didn't want my father to read about my sex life, because we have a mutual understanding that we each pretend the other doesn't have sex and thus our mental states stay free from acknowledging that the other is human with human sexual needs. We are both happier that way. I also found myself wanting to write about stuff with my mother, but not willing to write it where either she could read it or at least our mutual family members could read it.
At some point, something happened that brought about me feeling like I couldn't write anything there. I felt stifled by my self-imposed restrictions. I felt like I needed to write posts to mentally deal with things, but I couldn't write there any more.
So, I started a new blog. I decided to be anonymous, although the veil of anonymity is fairly thin sometimes. If any one who knows what is going on in my life (at this point, mostly my in-laws) were to read this blog, they would likely know I was the one writing it (as far as I know, they have no clue about blogs and thus I am fairly safe from them). It's a place for me to figure out how I feel about things or to write about what is happening.
Even here, I limit some topics. I don't constantly whine about my in-laws, because I'd rather think about more positive things. I don't talk about politics ever, I rarely think about such things. I rarely talk about my faith because it's so personal to me and it seems like the kind of thing to protect. I only occasionally talk about sex, because it also seems like the kind of thing to protect.
I don't plan, at this point, to stop being anonymous here. Anonymity suits me for this place. It gives me more freedom to talk about various things. It's not like I'm hiding my personality, just my name.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Productive Use of Time
This past week, Ace and I have been sleeping at night. Since we had been sleeping during the day, this is kind of a big deal for us.
Because I've been up during the day, I've been finding many productive uses of my time. Things like doing laundry. And it's not just that I've been productive, I've been actively wanting to get things accomplished.
Today, Ace and I went to the library. It's been a while since we've gone, so I was happy to go back. I've now got some research to do for my book (and a book to get research from, how convenient). The better I understand what I'm writing about, the better the book will be.
I'm just happy to feel like I'm being somewhat productive again.
Because I've been up during the day, I've been finding many productive uses of my time. Things like doing laundry. And it's not just that I've been productive, I've been actively wanting to get things accomplished.
Today, Ace and I went to the library. It's been a while since we've gone, so I was happy to go back. I've now got some research to do for my book (and a book to get research from, how convenient). The better I understand what I'm writing about, the better the book will be.
I'm just happy to feel like I'm being somewhat productive again.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Catfish and Sleep
This past weekend, Ace and I went to visit my dad and step-mom. It was wonderful and relaxing and just what I needed. We ate wonderful food. We watched movies on their hi-def TV. We adjusted our sleep schedule to being up during the day and asleep at night.
The best meal we had, of all the wonderful meals we had, was when we went to have soul food at this hole-in-the-wall diner. The place was tiny, the food was filling, the plates were full. They served our drinks in mason jars. I ate fried catfish (oh my word, it was good), green beans (so yummy), and mac' n' cheese (homemade!). I ate my banana pudding dessert several hours later, because I had no room for it while we were still there.
After we finished eating, I swore I needed to go lay down, not because I was sleepy but because it would be disrespectful to the food not to. I spent most of the afternoon laying on the couch with my eyes closed, listening to some movie or other, and feeling content with how yummy my lunch had been. I probably dozed off a time or two, but I mostly just rested my eyes. It was totally a lazy Saturday.
That night, I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. Within 5 minutes, I was asleep. And I slept well.
I can hardly wait to get another chance to see my dad and step-mom again.
The best meal we had, of all the wonderful meals we had, was when we went to have soul food at this hole-in-the-wall diner. The place was tiny, the food was filling, the plates were full. They served our drinks in mason jars. I ate fried catfish (oh my word, it was good), green beans (so yummy), and mac' n' cheese (homemade!). I ate my banana pudding dessert several hours later, because I had no room for it while we were still there.
After we finished eating, I swore I needed to go lay down, not because I was sleepy but because it would be disrespectful to the food not to. I spent most of the afternoon laying on the couch with my eyes closed, listening to some movie or other, and feeling content with how yummy my lunch had been. I probably dozed off a time or two, but I mostly just rested my eyes. It was totally a lazy Saturday.
That night, I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. Within 5 minutes, I was asleep. And I slept well.
I can hardly wait to get another chance to see my dad and step-mom again.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Drinking the Kool-Aid
So, after whining about social networking and acting like a crotchety "Get off my porch" old lady, I went and signed up for a Google+.
However (there's always a however, isn't there), I signed up for Google+ as M.A. Smith. It's my social networking site for this blog, not for my family. If you want to join my circles, find me there. I will be happy to have more people in my sad little blogging life.
For now, I'm going to try to figure out who else I need to follow over there, because it's kind of bare bones for me right now.
However (there's always a however, isn't there), I signed up for Google+ as M.A. Smith. It's my social networking site for this blog, not for my family. If you want to join my circles, find me there. I will be happy to have more people in my sad little blogging life.
For now, I'm going to try to figure out who else I need to follow over there, because it's kind of bare bones for me right now.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Daydreams
I daydream about taking a beach vacation. I imagine the warmth from the sun, the shade from the umbrella over me, the look of white sand on the beach and the water in shades of green and blue stretching out as far as my eye can see.
I imagine someone providing me with cold drinks to keep me from getting overheated. I imagine a book sitting on my chair for me to read when I get tired of watching the water. I imagine the breeze keeping me feeling comfortable.
After a while, I imagine walking out into the water, just wanting to see what the ocean feels like again. The water is cooler than the air, but not too cold. It feels nice with the heat of the sun hitting me directly. I imagine all the fish I can clearly see swimming around my feet. I've waded out a decent way from where I was sitting, and the water is only up to my waist.
I smile at Ace and gesture for him to join me. We splash around and joke and laugh. We act like newly-weds again. Then I head back to my chair to air dry and read. I relax and let every bit of stress fade away. I wish I never have to leave.
I find myself looking forward to when this is not just in my daydreams, but in my reality.
I imagine someone providing me with cold drinks to keep me from getting overheated. I imagine a book sitting on my chair for me to read when I get tired of watching the water. I imagine the breeze keeping me feeling comfortable.
After a while, I imagine walking out into the water, just wanting to see what the ocean feels like again. The water is cooler than the air, but not too cold. It feels nice with the heat of the sun hitting me directly. I imagine all the fish I can clearly see swimming around my feet. I've waded out a decent way from where I was sitting, and the water is only up to my waist.
I smile at Ace and gesture for him to join me. We splash around and joke and laugh. We act like newly-weds again. Then I head back to my chair to air dry and read. I relax and let every bit of stress fade away. I wish I never have to leave.
I find myself looking forward to when this is not just in my daydreams, but in my reality.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Overwhelmed
Lately I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. It's been a quiet, contemplative thing for the most part. But it's not left me wanting to write here.
Ace and I have been talking a lot lately. More than we normally do on our topic. I'm starting to figure out that I've got to brush up on things I haven't yet. I'll have to ask people questions and learn some new things. It'll be better for me in the long run.
Hopefully with gaining knowledge, I'll start feeling less overwhelmed. I'll be able to handle some new responsibilities better and stop feeling so stressed about it. Just having a direction to go is starting to make me feel less overwhelmed.
And that's a good place to start.
Ace and I have been talking a lot lately. More than we normally do on our topic. I'm starting to figure out that I've got to brush up on things I haven't yet. I'll have to ask people questions and learn some new things. It'll be better for me in the long run.
Hopefully with gaining knowledge, I'll start feeling less overwhelmed. I'll be able to handle some new responsibilities better and stop feeling so stressed about it. Just having a direction to go is starting to make me feel less overwhelmed.
And that's a good place to start.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
10 Years
It's been 10 years since two planes crashed into the World Trade Center.
As much as I'd love to say that day really impacted my life, it didn't. At least not that much.
I didn't fully understand what I heard on my radio as I got up and got ready for class. It wasn't until I was in class that I even knew what had happened. I had a doctor's appointment for a sinus infection. Gas stations in OKC decided to gouge people on gas prices, so I was told to wait a few days to get gas. I didn't really know what to think about the attacks, so I didn't.
I admire the men and women who helped out in New York City that day. The ones who were willing to die to pull someone out of a building. They are heroes. They deserve all the respect and admiration they get. I also admire the soldiers who signed up to fight because they knew this horrible tragedy was wrong.
I was still asleep when both towers were crashed into. My life was and is so insulated in Oklahoma that the only real impact I've felt is slightly higher gas prices and a decided lack of desire to fly anywhere because of security precautions.
But I still remember that it's been 10 years.
As much as I'd love to say that day really impacted my life, it didn't. At least not that much.
I didn't fully understand what I heard on my radio as I got up and got ready for class. It wasn't until I was in class that I even knew what had happened. I had a doctor's appointment for a sinus infection. Gas stations in OKC decided to gouge people on gas prices, so I was told to wait a few days to get gas. I didn't really know what to think about the attacks, so I didn't.
I admire the men and women who helped out in New York City that day. The ones who were willing to die to pull someone out of a building. They are heroes. They deserve all the respect and admiration they get. I also admire the soldiers who signed up to fight because they knew this horrible tragedy was wrong.
I was still asleep when both towers were crashed into. My life was and is so insulated in Oklahoma that the only real impact I've felt is slightly higher gas prices and a decided lack of desire to fly anywhere because of security precautions.
But I still remember that it's been 10 years.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Thermostat Wars
It's back to the time of year that my in-laws turn off the a/c at night. We're back to the time of year when Ace and I need to turn it back on or else we have a room in roughly the 90s because of poor air circulation.
It doesn't help that last night my father-in-law had to sleep in the living room because of a problem with their bed (one that will hopefully be fixed soon). It meant leaving the door shut all night, so we wouldn't disturb him. It meant less air flow than we could have otherwise had.
I understand the theory behind turning off the a/c. It shouldn't get warm enough at night to need the a/c to kick on. It might save a few dollars. However, if it's not warm enough, it won't kick on even if you leave it on. That's kind of the point behind a thermostat. And how much are you really saving anyway?
I'm tired of the excess heat.
It doesn't help that last night my father-in-law had to sleep in the living room because of a problem with their bed (one that will hopefully be fixed soon). It meant leaving the door shut all night, so we wouldn't disturb him. It meant less air flow than we could have otherwise had.
I understand the theory behind turning off the a/c. It shouldn't get warm enough at night to need the a/c to kick on. It might save a few dollars. However, if it's not warm enough, it won't kick on even if you leave it on. That's kind of the point behind a thermostat. And how much are you really saving anyway?
I'm tired of the excess heat.
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