Notes from a Tired Person

Okay people, my sleep schedule is all crazy and has been since Christmas. I sleep at night still, but it's not been quite straight through. I think I miss Ace being there, snoring next to me.

It doesn't help that I've suddenly decided that I need naps in the afternoon too. Sometime between 2 and 6, my body tells me that I have no energy and my eyes feel heavy. I'm exhausted and stuff. Except if I lay down in the bed. Then I wake up totally.

I doubt it helps that I'm feeling cool most of the time while I'm here too. At night and when I first get up the next morning, I feel comfortable, but otherwise I'm fairly cool, which apparently makes me sleepy.

And it doesn't seem to matter how late I stay in bed, drifting between awake and asleep. My body is just worn out about halfway through the day. It's funny to me, because otherwise I'm feeling fairly fine and had the energy earlier to help put away the Christmas decorations. I guess I'll wait and see if this is all because Ace isn't here or if this is an indication of something bigger.

A Christmas Tale

Today, I come to wish you a belated Merry Christmas and to offer you a tale of why the Christmas wish is belated.

On Christmas Eve, the internet access at my in-laws house started seeming spotty throughout the day. We had problems with websites not wanting to come up until the page was refreshed and not showing all the pictures that they were supposed to when they did start coming up.

Around 8 p.m., Ace called the internet service provider to find out if the problems were because of issues with them. The internet worked fine on Ace's computer when it was linked straight to the modem, so it wasn't the problems obviously weren't based on their end. The router for the house was messing up.

After Ace finished up the call, he reset the router to see if that would fix it. Instead, we completely lost any access to the internet through the router. It was, for all intents and purposes, dead. So, Ace and I tried to go buy a new router for the house, but Walmart was already closed for Christmas. We would have to survive the rest of Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day with no internet connection except on our phones (and we had to unplug the router for that to work).

Yesterday, we came to visit my dad and step-mom. I'm enjoying my time with my family. I am overeating extremely good smoked turkey and smoked ham (okay, not really overeating, just not eating quite enough veggies to go with the meat). I'm reading on books that I got for Christmas (I got 14 books and a fleece blanket from my dad and step-mom or my grandma). Basically, I've been too distracted since I got here to remember to post. I also forgot to send Ace an e-mail with some links like I promised to before we got here until an hour ago.

Maybe, after I've calmed down about it, I'll share what my single bother-in-law did on Christmas Day to piss me off so much. Or maybe I'll just move on with my life. I'm undecided at this point.

A Christmas Vacation

Lately, I've been whiny and annoying, at least I have in my own opinion. I'm getting annoyed by stupid stuff and when I'm not whiny, I'm horny or I'm clingy.

Ace and I both need a break from this erratic behavior. So, I'm going to spend the better part of a week with my dad and step-mom in NW Arkansas, while Ace spends that time in Tulsa, working on work stuff. Ace is going to go visit my dad and step-mom for the day on the 26th (for Christmas celebration) and then come back to celebrate the New Year with us on the 31st. I'm going to just stay and enjoy some quality time with MY family.

The hope is that this mini-vacation from my in-laws will be enough to help me get back to a calm place until we can finally move out of here. It's also been a while since I've gotten to spend more than a few hours with my family and gotten to talk and interact without having something else on my mind.

Nicely, I've asked for a bunch of books for Christmas, so I'll be able to read those. I'm also taking my laptop, so I'll have an opportunity to keep up with things happening online. I will be able to text Ace from my phone, and we can obviously talk to each other too. So, while we'll be apart for 5 days, we'll still be able to communicate with each other. This will be the longest we've been apart since we've gotten married.

I'm not particularly worried about what my in-laws will say about this. They aren't being told that I'm taking this trip to get away from them, just that I'm going to spend time with my family (both are true). They'll think whatever they are going to think about my spending time away from Ace. But he and I know the truth, which is the important thing.

So, for now, I'll wait for 5 days to pass. I've got a few things to do between now and then anyway. Laundry to wash, bags to pack, Christmas with the in-laws to celebrate.

*Blink, Blink*

The other day, Ace had a conversation with my mother-in-law about a lamp that sits in the living room. It's always left on, for light for my father-in-law to see by when he goes out to the living room before he leaves for work. The last light bulb burnt out while they were on their trip to Dallas. This is, from my memory, their conversation:

Ace: You might think about replacing that lamp. It seems to burn through bulbs a little too fast.

MIL: Yeah, I know. But it didn't use to do that.

Ace and I thinking: That's why you should replace it. Because it's obviously not working like it used to.

The lamp has burned through 4 or 5 light bulbs minimum since we moved here in April. It's already been commented on as unusually often.

The lamp is still there, and probably won't be gotten rid of when it does finally get replaced.

Baby Talk

Ace and I have lots of conversations about babies, something that should surprise nobody. The other day, we were talking about whether we want a boy or a girl first, when I get pregnant.

I personally don't care one way or the other which we have. I'd be happy with either. Ace wants a girl. And that makes me smile. I mentioned that there are a lot of guys who want a boy to carry on the family name. Ace doesn't care about that.

Is it any wonder why I love this man? He wants a girl to spoil/protect/raise. I'm certain that if we have a boy, he won't mind. He'll love a son as much as he would a daughter. He's just looking forward to having a girl at this point. And that is something special.

Send Food

My mother-in-law is trying to starve me, or at least she doesn't believe me when I've said I don't like greasy food. The last two meals offered by my in-laws: KFC (extra crispy and original fried chicken, potato wedges, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob) and fish filets (fried fish, baked french fries, pork and beans, and fruit salad).

I would love a bag of salad (lettuce, carrot, and cabbage) and some salad dressing (Hidden Valley Ranch, preferably, but Italian will do too). I'm craving a red delicious apple. I dream of eating yogurt on a regular basis again. I spend half my days living on animal crackers, pudding, and goldfish crackers.

Please, somebody, send some healthy food STAT!

Surprise Reaction

I read through the library book on how to be a successful adoptive parent. I've got a list of websites to check out and a few more books to potentially read. And I have a better understanding of how adopted children feel and react, at least on some minor level.

But the part that hit me hard was how I reacted emotionally to the book. There were things that are important to know if you ever want to adopt that showed me that I'm not ready to adopt yet. I'm not quite ready to deal with problems that come with adoption when I'm still trying to get past a few of my own issues that are eerily similar.

I spent half the book trying to figure out if I'll ever be ready to help a child adjust to the fact that they were (sort of) rejected by their birth parents in order for me to even have the option of raising them. It seems overwhelming. I spent the other half of the book trying to figure out how to move past my own rejection issues that my mom raised by never seeming to figure out how to express her approval of me (if she had any). How do I help someone start to piece their life back together when I'm not finished with that project myself?

I've been feeling an odd mix of emotions since reading this book. My in-laws seem more annoying and demanding which causes me to want to push them away. Ace seems busy with stuff and I just want to hold him close for a while. It's crowded in my head and I can't quite turn off the voices telling me that I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this, even though it's been something I've already wanted to do for 10 years.

So, I sit and I try to distract myself some. Christmas specials help with that. I try to let my subconscious sort through everything and come up with something definitive. I remind myself that I'm not trying to adopt right now, so it's okay that I'm not ready emotionally yet. I wait and I breathe. And I let God and time work on the unexpectedly reopened wounds. I hug Ace a bit more often and find funny things to cheer myself up when I can. I allow myself the mental space to work on other things. I look to the future with joy, despite my uncertainty. I learn and I grow. I become a better person, which will make me a better parent when the time is right. I let go of anger and deal with the pain as best I can. I forgive and forgive and forgive until my emotions catch up with the process.

And I start reading another book, on something different, to give myself something else to think about and figure out and grow from. Because that's what this time is for, this time before children. And I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Even When They're Not Here!

I'm still alive and well. I've been distracted with World of Warcraft lately. Well, that and trying not to just complain about my in-laws.

My mother-in-law decided that we need to eat off the Christmas plates through most of December. This wouldn't be a big deal, but the Christmas plates have gold on the edges, so they can't be put in the microwave. Which is how most of the food around here gets cooked when we are individually feeding ourselves (which we have been all week, because the table is too covered with stuff from some other "vitally important" task my mother-in-law deiced to do but couldn't do in just one day). But she'd prefer it if we didn't use the microwave safe plates (from the old set of dishes, which still aren't packed up yet) so that way they'll be clean for when she does pack them up.

Then, yesterday, Ace was trying to help get the house warm enough for me to not have to wear my hoodie to feel comfortable (or long sleeves, if I don't want to). My mother-in-law noticed that she was feeling hot, but since no one wanted to actually say that it's just her (I figured that me sitting in a hoodie made it obvious that I wasn't hot) she would turn on the a/c. Shortly before they were going to leave to go to Dallas for 2 days. And just leave it on, because as long as she's comfortable who cares that I'm freezing?

I am fighting off a desire to be petty and break one of her Christmas plates. It would only make me feel marginally better for a few minutes before I felt bad about doing something so childish and immature. I'm just feeling a bit at the end of my rope here. My life, such as it currently is, seems to revolve around making my mother-in-law satisfied, even if it means I'm feeling frustrated and emotionally injured, because that's how things happen in this house. I'm getting emotional flashbacks to living with my mother, something I shouldn't have to put up with. None of this is fair or right or just or anything that indicates that I should have to live with it. But I'm supposed to not rock the boat, because then I'll be a good daughter-in-law. And I'm not sure I can do much more to not rock the boat.

It's frustrating that even when my in-laws are out of town they can still do something annoying. It's frustrating that my mother-in-law is so selfish all the time and doesn't see it. It's frustrating to feel so powerless and so stuck, waiting for things to change. It's probably not healthy living with all this frustration either.

I'm going to go. I'm going to focus on the positive that I get time with Ace right now with no one else around. And I may take a nap, because I'm tired. But mainly, I've run out of things to say.

Let's Talk About Adoption

Ace and I aren't talking about us adopting a child at this point. We're not ready to meet all the criteria for someone to be willing to let us raise a child (I know they want you to support yourself and have enough funds to support a child before they hand over a kid). That doesn't mean that I'm not reading up on adoption though.

My reasons are two fold. One, I want to adopt someday and I want to have the knowledge of how the process works and what to expect when raising an adopted child. Especially since I'm not talking about adopting a baby, but want to adopt a slightly older child, which adds to potential problems. Two, my book includes a guy who has adopted, so I need to be knowledgeable about how that happens to make my book realistic.

I originally got interested in learning more about adoption after finding out/understanding that my dad is adopted (it wasn't a big secret, I just didn't really understand what that meant for a long time). My grandmother adopted him when he was 3 days old. In college, I did a research paper on adoption, because the subject interested me. I talked with someone on campus who adopted. Interestingly for me, he had questions about my view of adoption, seeing as I was the child of an adoptee. Mostly he wondered if I wondered about my biological grandparents. To be honest, until he asked I hadn't really thought about them, but after that I was slightly curious (not curious enough to do anything about it, just curious enough to wonder).

I do think that my grandmother's decision to adopt has helped me make a similar decision. It showed me, in a very understated way, that a person could choose to love someone, that families come together in more than just one way. I love my grandmother, and I know that she loves me. But the connection we have to each other is one that was chosen, because it's not one that's based on DNA.

I won't compare my grandmothers' affections towards me, as that would be unfair to both of them. My mom's mom had 7 children. To her, I'm one of many grandchildren (at least 14, and now there are many great-grandchildren in the picture). To my dad's mom, I'm one of 3 grandchildren and I was the only one for a long time. I'm special, because she helped take care of me when I was still in diapers. She helped raise me, to a degree. And for a little while, it looked like I'd be her only grandchild. But they both love me. And that is what is truly important in my life.

I don't know quite where I'm going with all of this. I may never fully figure it all out. I just know that someday, I plan on adopting a child. I'm not sure if I would have ever decided that without my grandmother doing it first. But she did and I do. And now I'm going to go read about adoption.

Decision 2010

Ace and I talked for a little while and came to a decision about Christmas. We're skipping visiting my extended family in OKC this year. I'm not ready, and I'm not sure when I will be. Christmas should be happy, not awkward and stressful (at least, as much as it can be).

I let my cousin know this, along with letting her know that I do want to see my extended family sometime. She wasn't surprised, but she did let me know that she plans on continuing to ask me even if my answer doesn't change. She wants me to know that I'm wanted, which is what I truly got from her original message. It's nice to have someone in my extended family understand me.

It reminded me that I'm loved and missed, by people who haven't seen me in 4 years. That they still care, even if some of them couldn't show it earlier this year (because of other obligations/prior plans). It is a good reminder.

Other than that, the biggest thing happening around here is the continuation of the thermostat war. My mother-in-law turned on the a/c two days in a row for no overly obvious reason. If she was starting to get hot, there are fans she could have turned on (with less moving around on her part). I'm just happy that it's been decent temperatures outside for December (especially when my car doesn't have a fully working heater). However, even Ace thinks it's ridiculous to turn on the a/c when the weather isn't getting over 70 (highs have been in the lower 60s). I think she's trying to freeze me, which goes along with her trying to starve me as ways she's trying to either kill me or get me to leave. This woman keeps claiming she wants grandchildren, but she's fighting the possibility of that happening every step of the way while we're living here.

Soon, we will be on our own again. Next week/weekend (we're not sure exactly when or how long at this point), the in-laws are going out of town on a business/pleasure trip (business for father-in-law, then pleasure for both after his business is concluded). So, very soon, Ace and I will have some time alone. There's already been talk of Chinese food to celebrate.

And now, I must go to bed, as it's 2 a.m. and I have plans tomorrow morning.

Annoyance

My mother-in-law is annoying me. It's probably not 100% her fault, after all I've been easier to irritate lately and my mind has been trying to solve 3 different things all at once. But she's annoying me none-the-less.

It started Thanksgiving day. My mother-in-law got a new set of dishes, which would be no big deal if she had Ace and I help her pack the old ones away before she started using the new ones. But she didn't. The new dishes apparently made their debut at the dinner we missed.

She's packing up the old dishes now (or at least moving them out of the cabinets and on top of whatever is covering the counters near where they were), although I have no clue where they are going (not with us when we move, I want to pick my own dishes out thanks).

At dinner, she asked Ace if he and I would help find the Christmas tree and the Christmas dishes soon. Because more dishes added to the mess that is this house will help (Send help, I'm starting to abuse sarcasm!) (uhh... we have a few weeks before they need to be washed for their one day of use before being washed and packed back up again for another year). And because we'll be bringing the tree down, we'll have to clear space for it in the living room and probably decorate it too.

Normally, I don't mind decorating a Christmas tree (Ace does, but I kind of enjoy decorating the tree when I'm in charge of it), but having to clear stuff out to make room for one is annoying me as much as my mother-in-law's desire to have all these sets of dishes cluttering up the small amount of space that's available in the house.

My only salvation is that this weekend Ace and I have plans and next weekend, my in-laws will be out of town. I will have some alone time with my husband while they are gone. I can, hopefully, de-stress and get in the Christmas spirit.

In the mean time, I'm just going to work on not breaking dishes out of frustration while wondering why there is so much crap in this house. The dishes haven't done anything wrong.

Day 30

Today, I'm thankful for one of my cousins (a particular one).

I have mentioned, sometime in the past, that I have lots of cousins, mostly female. This means several things: a cousin of mine seems to be pregnant most of the time, given that I have less contact with my cousins than most of them have with each other I feel left out of most family things, and if I talk about one of my cousins in two different posts I'm likely talking about two different cousins.

One of my cousins sent me a message on FaceBook earlier, inviting me to Christmas. She's trying to organize my mom's family's Christmas, and she wanted to let me know that they would love to see me. She also wanted to let me know that she understands why I've stayed away. It's meant a lot that someone close to my age is actually reaching out, most of my extended family hasn't reached out.

It was an invitation extended without any demand for anything other than a response on if I'd be willing to come. Someone offering an olive branch of peace and a reminder that at least some of my extended family would love to see me.

I haven't decided yet on if I'll go. I need to think about it for a little bit first. I need to figure out if it's a situation I think I can handle emotionally. But the fact that someone, other than an aunt who bruised our relationship, asked means the world to me. It helps me to feel that me reaching out earlier this year has brought about some kind of bigger positive response. It would be nice to see those who I know care about me. I don't want to take too long on this decision, because there are other things that are decided based on my decision, but I also want to make sure I make the right choice for me.

My cousin gave me something that warmed my heart and helped heal some of the hurt that this year has brought. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 29

Today, I am thankful for World of Warcraft.

Ace and I play a lot of WoW. We spent most of the weekend playing WoW, since he wasn't working. It's a game that I don't play nearly as much as Ace does, but it is something we do together.

Day 28

Today, I am thankful for Anthony Bourdain.

I have already professed my admiration for Mr. Bourdain. I've expressed how he makes me want to be more adventurous with my eating. Right now, I am thankful for his book about his show No Reservations.

After reading a book full of words and comparisons on meanings of words, I'm thankful for his book. There are a lot of pictures from his travels around the globe. The pictures are wonderful, and I would love to buy this book just to look at the pictures and dream of seeing these places in person.

But after a wordy book (I will confess, I chose the other book and greatly enjoyed it), it's nice to read a book that gives Tony's thoughts on a country and then shows me lots of pictures (with explanations). There are just the right amount of words to help cleanse my mental palate before delving back into the library for more books sometime later in the week.

Tony, or Mr. Bourdain (whichever you prefer), you've done such a great job writing this that I can hear you narrating it in my head as I read. I only wish that it covered more than just the first 3 years of your show. I can only hope that sometime, in the future, you will put out another similar book about more of the world. But if not, I'll be content with what you have shared.

And now I must go to bed, as it is late (roughly 2:30 in the morning) and my body has been demanding more sleep since I got up.

Day 27

Today, I am thankful for YouTube.

YouTube has provided me with hours of entertainment, listening to music. In fact, if I don't have some song I like on my iPod (and there are a lot I don't), I'll look for it on YouTube. I'll look for songs I do have on YouTube too (if I'm already searching for something else.

I also appreciate watching celebrities from the 40s and 50s on What's My Line on YouTube. I realize that most of the celebrities are dead or no longer working, but it's fascinating to see how they try to disguise their voices.

YouTube is just a fun site for me to go spend time, so I'm thankful that someone (or a group of someones) made the site. Thanks for all the fun!

Day 26

Today, I am thankful that soon Ace and I will have our own place.

I am ready to be out of my in-laws house. I've been ready to be out since we moved in. I am trying to be patient, but I'm ready to go.

But, soon, we will be out of here and on our own. And that's something to look forward to.

Day 25

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, I am thankful for smoked turkey.

Today, I am making a day trip to see my dad and step-mother. My dad smokes a turkey for Thanksgiving (he smokes a turkey and a ham for Christmas, but that's not for a month). It's wonderful.

And now, I must go to bed, so that way I'll be closer to eating smoked turkey. Enjoy your holiday!

Day 24

Today, I am thankful for my step-mother.

I don't talk about my step-mother much, except when talking about my dad. And that's a shame, because she's a special woman.

I met my step-mother the weekend before I graduated from high school. I don't really remember meeting her the first day we met, because I don't really remember much about that day (I was busy thinking about graduation stuff, I imagine). I remember that my first impression wasn't favorable, but it wasn't her fault. I'm pretty sure that at the time, I wouldn't have liked anyone my dad was bringing with him.

But, shortly after I graduated from high school, I got to spend some time with her (2 weeks). I started to get to know her. I think she was nervous about me coming there, as my brother and sister had started to slightly warm up to her right before I got there, but then they almost stepped backwards in any affection until they saw how I reacted to her.

She has treated me kindly ever since I've known her. She's given her love to my siblings and I, and to Ace too. She's never said anything mean, even when I have lashed out in pain (for which I've apologized). She's one of the best cooks I've ever met and she tries to make everyone feel at home in her house.

She's shown incredible patience with my brother and his rambling narrative on his video games, listening (or faking it well) for hours without telling him to shut up (something my sister and I have done). She's tried to give him extra attention, to a degree, since it's obvious that it's been something he's lacked.

My step-mother has made my father happy. If that was all she had done, besides being fairly easy to get along with, I'd love her and be thankful for her being in his life. But, she's also tried to fill some holes in the lives of her step-children where she can.

My step-mother, who doesn't have any natural children of her own, sees her step-children as her children. And I'm happy to call her one of my parents. She doesn't feel a need to add the word step to her relationship with us, and I only add it out of habit.

Day 23

Today, I am thankful that all the relatives I travel to see live within driving distance.

I'm happy to not have to go through airport security. I'm happy that even from Springfield, the drive to Tulsa and NW Arkansas is bearable. That we could drive to OKC from Springfield if needed, with a stop to stretch on the way.

Of course, living in Tulsa currently, the drive to Tulsa anywhere in/around Tulsa is short (10 to 15 minutes, in general). In roughly 2 hours, I can be at my dad's house or visiting my sister in OKC. We can make day trips to either one. And 2 hours alone with Ace is nice.

We have no question that one of us will be screened or patted down by driving. There are no screaming babies or kids kicking our seats (at least, none yet). We can leave our cell phones on and use other electronic devices (such as an iPod). If I take my shoes off, it's because I want to, not because I need to let them get x-rayed.

It's nice to know that we live close enough to drive, that flying would actually take us longer than driving. It's nice to know that our only delays are the ones we make for ourselves. Our privacy isn't invaded. No one checks our luggage/pats us down/x-rays us. We can buy whatever we want to drink from wherever we want to. And at the end of our trip, I'm not exhausted just from getting through the airports, so I can enjoy spending time with family or I can enjoy being home again.

So, I'm thankful for being within driving distance of my family. Because right now, the idea of flying somewhere isn't appealing.

Day 22

Today, I am thankful for naps, as I'm fairly sure I'm going to need one today.

Last night, I stayed up too late. I got caught up reading stuff online and found that it was way later than I expected. I got up to go to bed and realized that I was hot, so I stripped down before climbing into my bed.

Unfortunately for me, I have to be just right temperature wise to go to sleep, so sleep took a while in coming. Eventually, the fan (that was already on) cooled me off enough for me to sleep.

Roughly 2 hours later, I woke up feeling cold. I had to get up and get dressed in order to go back to sleep. I also turned the fan down so it wasn't moving quite as much air.

30 minutes before my alarm went off, I woke up cold again. I put a blanket on top of me and dozed for the next 45 minutes (I slept in, partially because I didn't want to get out from under my nice warm blanket).

And now, I think I may go take that nap I'm already thankful for. The bed is calling me, loudly, and I don't think I want to resist.