Um, yeah. I didn't quite mean to ignore my blog for so long. Things have just been a bit busier for me lately than I expected. I've been trying to adjust my sleep schedule (not going as well as I'd like, as should be indicated by the time of this post). And around that I've been finding myself reading way too much fan fiction.
That and listening to songs that are a bit too depressing in content to be healthy for my mental state (I, however, seem to be in a good mood despite that).
And this is going to sound silly, after ignoring things around here for roughly 2 weeks, but I'm thinking of doing NaBloPoMo again. Because that's how I roll. Ignore my blog for October, post every day in November, and then go back to being random in posts in December.
Since I think the theme of thankfulness worked so well in the past, I'm going to go with a theme again this year. But not the same one. Instead, I'm going to try to post something fictional every day. Hopefully something not related to any of the TV shows I like, but I can make no promises.
Most likely, they will all be short, but it gives me a new way to stretch my writing skills.
Like I said in the title, sanity is overrated.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Time with Ace
Sorry I haven't posted lately. Been getting ready for time with Ace.
Won't likely post in the next couple of days. I've got Ace until Thursday at 8, so that's a bit more important right now. We're going to spend the next two days celebrating his time off and my birthday. We're getting a hotel room.
I should, hopefully, be in a great mood when I post again.
Later!
Won't likely post in the next couple of days. I've got Ace until Thursday at 8, so that's a bit more important right now. We're going to spend the next two days celebrating his time off and my birthday. We're getting a hotel room.
I should, hopefully, be in a great mood when I post again.
Later!
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Sleep Returns
I feel like I've been a blog tease. I posted a couple of days in a row, seeming like I was going to be posting more regularly, and then I disappear for a week.
Mostly, it's because on about Wednesday, my body decided that it was finally ready to actually get 8+ hours of sleep at a time again. I would say night, but my sleep schedule is such that I'm sleeping during the morning right now.
But I am sleeping. And I'm feeling less exhausted in general. More inclined to close myself up in my room and hide, but less exhausted. I've missed getting enough sleep. I'm happy to finally be catching up.
And I'm starting to get that I need to start listening to classical music to help some with that. The times I've fallen asleep the fastest have been when I've been listening to classical music. It relaxes me so much. Even when I'm wide awake, listening to classical music just puts some part of me in a more calm and relaxed state. Especially Beethoven.
But I'm just happy, after several months of not quite enough sleep, I am finally getting there. Depression seems to have finally let go of the last bits it still had a hold on.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something on my Netflix queue to watch. This list has gotten ridiculously long and I'm still entirely too likely to find something else to add to it.
Mostly, it's because on about Wednesday, my body decided that it was finally ready to actually get 8+ hours of sleep at a time again. I would say night, but my sleep schedule is such that I'm sleeping during the morning right now.
But I am sleeping. And I'm feeling less exhausted in general. More inclined to close myself up in my room and hide, but less exhausted. I've missed getting enough sleep. I'm happy to finally be catching up.
And I'm starting to get that I need to start listening to classical music to help some with that. The times I've fallen asleep the fastest have been when I've been listening to classical music. It relaxes me so much. Even when I'm wide awake, listening to classical music just puts some part of me in a more calm and relaxed state. Especially Beethoven.
But I'm just happy, after several months of not quite enough sleep, I am finally getting there. Depression seems to have finally let go of the last bits it still had a hold on.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something on my Netflix queue to watch. This list has gotten ridiculously long and I'm still entirely too likely to find something else to add to it.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
More Things I Love about Ace
Since I'm feeling all romantic and loving towards Ace due to our anniversary (not that I'm normally feeling not romantic and loving, it just doesn't normally feel this strong), I thought I'd share more things that I love about him.
1. He is a nerd. Such a nerd. He gets my nerdy references, or he asks about them. And he cares about my answers.
2. He listens to me ramble on and on about whatever I am currently obsessed with. Even if he doesn't care. (Okay, he occasionally tunes out the details, but he listens enough to know the subject.) He cares about my interests.
3. He makes me feel loved. Without really trying.
4. He takes care of the stuff that stresses me out.
5. He wants me to feel pretty. Because he wants me to see myself as he sees me. And he won't give up telling me that I'm pretty until I believe it all the time.
6. He wants to talk to me when we are apart. He wants us to spend time together as much as we can.
7. He got me to play WoW (World of Warcraft) and continues to get me to play WoW. I'm not always sure I like playing nearly as much as he does, but I like that he wants to do something with me that we both find fun.
8. He solves problems that I'm too close to. Easily.
9. He wants children nearly as much as I do. He wants children partially because I want them so much.
10. He's going to be such a great dad, partially because he's such a great husband.
11. He tells me he loves me everyday (baring lack of means to communicate). He thinks it's important that I hear it daily. He often tells me multiple times a day. And he never lets me say it without telling me he loves me back.
12. He loves me even when I'm not very lovable. He doesn't always like me then, but he still loves me.
13. He refuses to let us say things we don't mean and can't take back. And if I do say something hurtful, he forgives me for it. Every time.
14. He fills my heart with warmth and love. Just by being in my life.
15. He is willing to learn new things. He likes learning new things. He may not always be interested in what I am, but he is interested in learning.
This still doesn't scratch the surface of things I love about my husband. But it is at least a few more of the things that I love.
I miss you, sweetheart. I love you! Drive safely, watch out for deer, and take care of yourself. *kiss*
1. He is a nerd. Such a nerd. He gets my nerdy references, or he asks about them. And he cares about my answers.
2. He listens to me ramble on and on about whatever I am currently obsessed with. Even if he doesn't care. (Okay, he occasionally tunes out the details, but he listens enough to know the subject.) He cares about my interests.
3. He makes me feel loved. Without really trying.
4. He takes care of the stuff that stresses me out.
5. He wants me to feel pretty. Because he wants me to see myself as he sees me. And he won't give up telling me that I'm pretty until I believe it all the time.
6. He wants to talk to me when we are apart. He wants us to spend time together as much as we can.
7. He got me to play WoW (World of Warcraft) and continues to get me to play WoW. I'm not always sure I like playing nearly as much as he does, but I like that he wants to do something with me that we both find fun.
8. He solves problems that I'm too close to. Easily.
9. He wants children nearly as much as I do. He wants children partially because I want them so much.
10. He's going to be such a great dad, partially because he's such a great husband.
11. He tells me he loves me everyday (baring lack of means to communicate). He thinks it's important that I hear it daily. He often tells me multiple times a day. And he never lets me say it without telling me he loves me back.
12. He loves me even when I'm not very lovable. He doesn't always like me then, but he still loves me.
13. He refuses to let us say things we don't mean and can't take back. And if I do say something hurtful, he forgives me for it. Every time.
14. He fills my heart with warmth and love. Just by being in my life.
15. He is willing to learn new things. He likes learning new things. He may not always be interested in what I am, but he is interested in learning.
This still doesn't scratch the surface of things I love about my husband. But it is at least a few more of the things that I love.
I miss you, sweetheart. I love you! Drive safely, watch out for deer, and take care of yourself. *kiss*
Friday, September 28, 2012
And Much Squeeing Commenced
I am sometimes a bit late to the cool, nerdy shows. Especially if they are on Syfy (I blame it on the change to the name of the station, because I'm pretty sure I'd be more willing to check out their shows if they were still SciFi).
Thus, I am catching up to what's going on with Warehouse 13 on Netflix. And I've recently (as in the last half hour) finished watching the second episode of season 2. The episode where Jewel Staite and Sean Maher guest starred in. Since Firefly is like one of my absolutely favorite shows of all time (and I still mourn that it got not quite a full season), I was a bit excited.
I may have bounced some. And mentally squealed.
Anyway. I loved that they cast those two as a semi-romantic couple. Even if they didn't get together until the end of the episode (better than Firefly, where they didn't get together until the end of the movie). Because of course they would. Those two make a cute couple, at least they do on screen. I'll let the actors decide their own off screen romantic partners (although, they would make a cute couple that way too).
I like that whoever cast them put them together so much in the episode. It worked. Sean Maher works as a guy with a crush who can't quite confess it. Jewel Staite works as a sweet girl who isn't quite as oblivious about showing her own crush. It's adorable and sweet and cute and it makes me want to jump and dance and squeal and be with my own sweet guy.
P.S.: 10 years ago, Ace and I met. Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Thanks for being so right for me all of these years. Drive safely, watch out for deer, and remember that I love you.
Thus, I am catching up to what's going on with Warehouse 13 on Netflix. And I've recently (as in the last half hour) finished watching the second episode of season 2. The episode where Jewel Staite and Sean Maher guest starred in. Since Firefly is like one of my absolutely favorite shows of all time (and I still mourn that it got not quite a full season), I was a bit excited.
I may have bounced some. And mentally squealed.
Anyway. I loved that they cast those two as a semi-romantic couple. Even if they didn't get together until the end of the episode (better than Firefly, where they didn't get together until the end of the movie). Because of course they would. Those two make a cute couple, at least they do on screen. I'll let the actors decide their own off screen romantic partners (although, they would make a cute couple that way too).
I like that whoever cast them put them together so much in the episode. It worked. Sean Maher works as a guy with a crush who can't quite confess it. Jewel Staite works as a sweet girl who isn't quite as oblivious about showing her own crush. It's adorable and sweet and cute and it makes me want to jump and dance and squeal and be with my own sweet guy.
P.S.: 10 years ago, Ace and I met. Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Thanks for being so right for me all of these years. Drive safely, watch out for deer, and remember that I love you.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
It Gets Better - The Depressed Version
Lately, I've been doing things at odd times. I blame my sleep schedule, which is fairly erratic right now. That really has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd share it.
I've been thinking on the campaign for LGBT teen community. Mostly with the statement "It gets better." I like that statement. It's a good statement.
I'm adopting it as my statement to people who are depressed. Mostly because some days, some really dark days, that statement needs to be said. So, here it is: "It gets better."
I know that it won't fix your problems or make you feel motivated or make things magically better. I know this. I've been there. Where sitting up is all you are up for. Where changing clothes seems pointless or exhausting or stupid. Where you either eat anything you can get your hands on or you can't be bothered to eat because the food is over there and that's just too far away right now. I have been there. Somehow, I doubt I'll avoid ever going there again, no matter how much I'd like to.
But it gets better. It does. No matter how bad I'm feeling, it doesn't last. No matter how little I care right now, at some point I'll start caring again. No matter how low things seem, it won't stay that way.
I never fully know what will pull me out of my depression. Sometimes it's watching cartoons and funny movies and just putting things that make me laugh in front of my face. Sometimes it's getting reminded of my blessings. Sometimes, apparently, it takes Ace telling me to just grow up and deal with it.
The important thing is that it gets better. I don't stay in that place, where I can barely breath. I find passion for things again. I can take care of myself again. I can tell someone else that it gets better.
So please, if you are depressed, get some help. Find something that works to pull you out. But please, please, please, keep in mind that "It gets better." Don't do something dangerous or stupid. Please.
I've been thinking on the campaign for LGBT teen community. Mostly with the statement "It gets better." I like that statement. It's a good statement.
I'm adopting it as my statement to people who are depressed. Mostly because some days, some really dark days, that statement needs to be said. So, here it is: "It gets better."
I know that it won't fix your problems or make you feel motivated or make things magically better. I know this. I've been there. Where sitting up is all you are up for. Where changing clothes seems pointless or exhausting or stupid. Where you either eat anything you can get your hands on or you can't be bothered to eat because the food is over there and that's just too far away right now. I have been there. Somehow, I doubt I'll avoid ever going there again, no matter how much I'd like to.
But it gets better. It does. No matter how bad I'm feeling, it doesn't last. No matter how little I care right now, at some point I'll start caring again. No matter how low things seem, it won't stay that way.
I never fully know what will pull me out of my depression. Sometimes it's watching cartoons and funny movies and just putting things that make me laugh in front of my face. Sometimes it's getting reminded of my blessings. Sometimes, apparently, it takes Ace telling me to just grow up and deal with it.
The important thing is that it gets better. I don't stay in that place, where I can barely breath. I find passion for things again. I can take care of myself again. I can tell someone else that it gets better.
So please, if you are depressed, get some help. Find something that works to pull you out. But please, please, please, keep in mind that "It gets better." Don't do something dangerous or stupid. Please.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Not Quite Depressed
I don't think it's been a secret that since Ace started his training, I've been posting less. It's only partly because there hasn't been anything going on. Mostly, it's been because I've been fighting off depression.
. .
The first 6 weeks, I was struggling some. I was fighting depression off, never quite being taken over by it. It was always looming in the background, but I was staying ahead of it.
Then came the week with Ace. I felt good, if slightly frustrated with my in-laws. There was no reason for me to be depressed, so I wasn't.
After Ace left, I went back to fighting off depression. Only not as effectively. I was not up for it, not really. I kind of crashed down into depression. It was bad (I was eating about one meal a day), and part of me was glad Ace wasn't here to see it. Except if he had been here, I'd probably not been depressed. (I lost 9 pounds by not eating. I don't like losing weight that way. Starvation is not a good diet plan. I am eating better now. And healthy foods. Salad, apple slices, cheese, granola bars, beans, fresh bread.)
It got bad enough that one day, Ace was trying to do anything to cheer me up, including offering to call my dad for me to get me to visit him. Even asking if I could just get myself dressed and hopefully my dad could help with packing. I didn't have enough motivation to get dressed. I cried because of that. It was not just a bad day, but a very bad day. It was me at my lowest.
Monday, Ace and I were talking. He was getting all tough love on me (for things other than depression, things I needed to have him say to stop complaining about this). And between that and me figuring a few things out, I finally seemed to leave the depression behind me.
It's still looming. I can still feel it. I'm not fully away from it, I don't think. But I'm not drowning in it anymore. I can see my emotional shoreline. I can get myself to safety again. The undertow no longer has me.
I'm in a weird place. I'm not quite depressed, but I'm not back to normal quite yet either. I think it's a good place right now though. It's a step in the right direction.
If anyone has any tips for helping fight off depression, I'd love to hear them. Preferably ones that do not include me going to a doctor for a prescription. It's not the best option for me right now, even if I think it might be a good plan in the future.
. .
The first 6 weeks, I was struggling some. I was fighting depression off, never quite being taken over by it. It was always looming in the background, but I was staying ahead of it.
Then came the week with Ace. I felt good, if slightly frustrated with my in-laws. There was no reason for me to be depressed, so I wasn't.
After Ace left, I went back to fighting off depression. Only not as effectively. I was not up for it, not really. I kind of crashed down into depression. It was bad (I was eating about one meal a day), and part of me was glad Ace wasn't here to see it. Except if he had been here, I'd probably not been depressed. (I lost 9 pounds by not eating. I don't like losing weight that way. Starvation is not a good diet plan. I am eating better now. And healthy foods. Salad, apple slices, cheese, granola bars, beans, fresh bread.)
It got bad enough that one day, Ace was trying to do anything to cheer me up, including offering to call my dad for me to get me to visit him. Even asking if I could just get myself dressed and hopefully my dad could help with packing. I didn't have enough motivation to get dressed. I cried because of that. It was not just a bad day, but a very bad day. It was me at my lowest.
Monday, Ace and I were talking. He was getting all tough love on me (for things other than depression, things I needed to have him say to stop complaining about this). And between that and me figuring a few things out, I finally seemed to leave the depression behind me.
It's still looming. I can still feel it. I'm not fully away from it, I don't think. But I'm not drowning in it anymore. I can see my emotional shoreline. I can get myself to safety again. The undertow no longer has me.
I'm in a weird place. I'm not quite depressed, but I'm not back to normal quite yet either. I think it's a good place right now though. It's a step in the right direction.
If anyone has any tips for helping fight off depression, I'd love to hear them. Preferably ones that do not include me going to a doctor for a prescription. It's not the best option for me right now, even if I think it might be a good plan in the future.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Things I Love about Ace
I was talking to Ace the other day and at some point, I told him that I haven't even begun to get past the surface on all the reasons I love him. So, here are just a few of the many, many things I love about my husband.
1. He makes me feel like a princess. No matter what else is going on, he does his best to make me feel special. Especially when I'm suddenly emotionally needy about it.
2. He buys me things (laptops, books, toys, etc.). Because he knows I want them. And because they will make me happy. As if he wasn't enough to make me happy on his own.
3. He takes care of me. Even when I'm at points where doing much more than eating what is put in front of me is too much, he takes care of me. Sometimes by pushing me outside my comfort zone, sometimes by just doing things that physically need to be done.
4. He won't let someone else push me around.
5. I can make him smile, just by being a little silly. Even when he's having a bad day.
6. He can make me laugh when I want to cry. He always seems to know just what to say or do at just the right time.
7. He's not afraid to be silly. Even in public. Especially if it makes me laugh.
8. He cares, deeply, about people and things. He doesn't always show it on the outside, but it shows if you know what to look for.
9. Even when he doesn't understand me, even when I don't understand myself, he still accepts me and loves me for who I am. Or he loves me despite who I am.
10. He lets me be weak until I am ready to be strong again. Even if he doesn't know why I'm feeling weak. Even if neither of us understands why I'm fighting depression. Even if it's just a bad day.
11. He's willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel safe. Even if it's cutting off ties to people. Even if I don't want that to happen.
12. He cares about those people who obviously want us in their lives. He doesn't feel that people who don't want us in their lives are worth worrying about. He's helping me to move that way.
13. He's willing to do anything, within reason, that I want to do, if it will make me happy. And it's not immoral, illegal, or unethical.
14. He makes me curl my toes. And I'll leave any other details between him and me.
15. He's got the most beautiful heart of anyone I've ever met. Despite how his family has treated him, despite how the world has tried to hurt it, despite how circumstances have been. And he gave it to me. To keep.
This list still doesn't dent the surface, but I think it's time to stop for now. I'll probably post another list at some point, but for today 15 seems like a good place to stop.
1. He makes me feel like a princess. No matter what else is going on, he does his best to make me feel special. Especially when I'm suddenly emotionally needy about it.
2. He buys me things (laptops, books, toys, etc.). Because he knows I want them. And because they will make me happy. As if he wasn't enough to make me happy on his own.
3. He takes care of me. Even when I'm at points where doing much more than eating what is put in front of me is too much, he takes care of me. Sometimes by pushing me outside my comfort zone, sometimes by just doing things that physically need to be done.
4. He won't let someone else push me around.
5. I can make him smile, just by being a little silly. Even when he's having a bad day.
6. He can make me laugh when I want to cry. He always seems to know just what to say or do at just the right time.
7. He's not afraid to be silly. Even in public. Especially if it makes me laugh.
8. He cares, deeply, about people and things. He doesn't always show it on the outside, but it shows if you know what to look for.
9. Even when he doesn't understand me, even when I don't understand myself, he still accepts me and loves me for who I am. Or he loves me despite who I am.
10. He lets me be weak until I am ready to be strong again. Even if he doesn't know why I'm feeling weak. Even if neither of us understands why I'm fighting depression. Even if it's just a bad day.
11. He's willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel safe. Even if it's cutting off ties to people. Even if I don't want that to happen.
12. He cares about those people who obviously want us in their lives. He doesn't feel that people who don't want us in their lives are worth worrying about. He's helping me to move that way.
13. He's willing to do anything, within reason, that I want to do, if it will make me happy. And it's not immoral, illegal, or unethical.
14. He makes me curl my toes. And I'll leave any other details between him and me.
15. He's got the most beautiful heart of anyone I've ever met. Despite how his family has treated him, despite how the world has tried to hurt it, despite how circumstances have been. And he gave it to me. To keep.
This list still doesn't dent the surface, but I think it's time to stop for now. I'll probably post another list at some point, but for today 15 seems like a good place to stop.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Of Dead Batteries and Fevers
Today has been on odd day. Not the least of which is because I've had 4 hours of sleep in the last 33 hours. Although, that hasn't helped (I am surprisingly awake despite my lack of sleep).
I went to my brother-in-law's house for lunch with the in-laws today. I had originally planned on driving myself (and running errands afterward), but the car I was going to use had a dead battery when I tried to start it. Like completely dead. Like nothing happened when I turned the key.
Lunch went well, over all. I didn't eat a lot, but I have multiple reasons why that would be the case. At least I ate enough to get full.
After we got back home, 3 hours later and with my niece, I came back to the bedroom to try to get some more rest (sleep if needed/possible, which it wasn't possible). After a few hours, I decided to take my temperature, because I've been feeling a bit off all day. Turns out, I'm running a low grade fever. Probably nothing to worry about, but enough to let me rest for the rest of the day without feeling too guilty.
Mostly, I have been surprised at how awake I am, given the lack of sleep and the obvious signs that my body is fighting some kind of germs off. Which isn't to say there are no signs of me being tired, just that my body isn't forcing the issue by just shutting down. I do plan on getting more sleep tonight.
I went to my brother-in-law's house for lunch with the in-laws today. I had originally planned on driving myself (and running errands afterward), but the car I was going to use had a dead battery when I tried to start it. Like completely dead. Like nothing happened when I turned the key.
Lunch went well, over all. I didn't eat a lot, but I have multiple reasons why that would be the case. At least I ate enough to get full.
After we got back home, 3 hours later and with my niece, I came back to the bedroom to try to get some more rest (sleep if needed/possible, which it wasn't possible). After a few hours, I decided to take my temperature, because I've been feeling a bit off all day. Turns out, I'm running a low grade fever. Probably nothing to worry about, but enough to let me rest for the rest of the day without feeling too guilty.
Mostly, I have been surprised at how awake I am, given the lack of sleep and the obvious signs that my body is fighting some kind of germs off. Which isn't to say there are no signs of me being tired, just that my body isn't forcing the issue by just shutting down. I do plan on getting more sleep tonight.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
In Which I Feel Like a Hypocrite
There have been a couple of things bugging me lately. One is minor, it's pesky, it's annoying more than anything. The other is something that I feel speaks strongly of my heart.
The minor, pesky one is that lately words have not seemed like enough. Words don't express things fully enough. I cannot explain, to myself, to my satisfaction what I mean. This is likely to be something that, while never really going away, will soon fade back into the background of my attention. That's one of the problems with fighting depression. Words aren't adequate enough.
The major thing is the one I really want to write about tonight.
I apologize in advance. Mostly because I'm about to do what I'm about to complain about. I hate that. I don't like being a hypocrite. My only salvation for myself is that I'm not complaining about anyone in particular, but the perception of the whole. This does not satisfy me though.
My biggest problem with Christians, or at least how Christians are perceived (even by other Christians) is that Christians are, in general, a group that judges people (especially other Christians). I say that feeling like I'm being a hypocrite, because I'm judging Christians when I say that. I recognize the irony of judging their judgment. And I recognize this puts me into the group of people that I'm judging.
Anyway, my problem is that the Bible tells us to "Judge not, lest you be judged" (Matthew 7:1). We aren't supposed to accept sin in our churches, but we are supposed to accept the sinners. Somewhere, most Christians seem to lose that. We stop condemning the sin and start condemning the sinner. I'm not saying that people aren't capable of messing up. I mess up most days. I'm just saying that I don't have a right to tell someone that they are going to hell because I disagree with what they are doing (unless I'm trying to save them, I probably shouldn't be telling them that they are going to hell anyway).
It seems to me that this judging goes on in pretty much every area of people's lives. Who am I to tell someone what they can wear? Who am I to tell them what they can eat? Who am I to tell them who they can love? Who am I to tell them how they can love?
I know there are scriptures that cover at least some of those things. But it's not up to me to "enforce" those scriptures. As long as I live my life by what I learn from my Bible, I have no reason to tell someone else how to live theirs. At least, that seems what "Judge not" means to me. I am not their judge, God is. That means that I don't get to tell them how to live. Nicely, it also means they don't get to tell me how to live. Things are convenient that way.
I may not like my sister's tattoos or piercings, but that doesn't mean I should say that she's ugly (I don't like them, at least not the piercings. She's not ugly.). I may be able to prove that God thinks tattoos are ugly (I don't really care to try). That doesn't mean I should.
I may think that the kid on the next aisle should be in bed when I'm shopping at 11 pm. I may not be impressed that he's got a bottle of soda and is screaming at the top of his lungs. I may have lots of scripture on how kids should be raised. It doesn't mean I should judge that kid's parents. I don't know their lives. I don't know if this is normal or odd for their family. I shouldn't judge I don't have all the facts.
I may think that it's wrong for two men or two women to be in a relationship. I may have scripture to back up how wrong it is. I may think they are sinning. But that does not mean I should judge.
God didn't die and make me judge. I have no right to tell anyone (except maybe Ace and at some point our children) how to live. I have no right to tell anyone they are going to hell because they kiss someone of the wrong gender, have a tattoo, are a bad parent, or even just that they mess up. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT.
And I have no right to judge Christians as judgmental. I HAVE NO RIGHT.
If I don't have that right, what makes someone else think they do?
The minor, pesky one is that lately words have not seemed like enough. Words don't express things fully enough. I cannot explain, to myself, to my satisfaction what I mean. This is likely to be something that, while never really going away, will soon fade back into the background of my attention. That's one of the problems with fighting depression. Words aren't adequate enough.
The major thing is the one I really want to write about tonight.
I apologize in advance. Mostly because I'm about to do what I'm about to complain about. I hate that. I don't like being a hypocrite. My only salvation for myself is that I'm not complaining about anyone in particular, but the perception of the whole. This does not satisfy me though.
My biggest problem with Christians, or at least how Christians are perceived (even by other Christians) is that Christians are, in general, a group that judges people (especially other Christians). I say that feeling like I'm being a hypocrite, because I'm judging Christians when I say that. I recognize the irony of judging their judgment. And I recognize this puts me into the group of people that I'm judging.
Anyway, my problem is that the Bible tells us to "Judge not, lest you be judged" (Matthew 7:1). We aren't supposed to accept sin in our churches, but we are supposed to accept the sinners. Somewhere, most Christians seem to lose that. We stop condemning the sin and start condemning the sinner. I'm not saying that people aren't capable of messing up. I mess up most days. I'm just saying that I don't have a right to tell someone that they are going to hell because I disagree with what they are doing (unless I'm trying to save them, I probably shouldn't be telling them that they are going to hell anyway).
It seems to me that this judging goes on in pretty much every area of people's lives. Who am I to tell someone what they can wear? Who am I to tell them what they can eat? Who am I to tell them who they can love? Who am I to tell them how they can love?
I know there are scriptures that cover at least some of those things. But it's not up to me to "enforce" those scriptures. As long as I live my life by what I learn from my Bible, I have no reason to tell someone else how to live theirs. At least, that seems what "Judge not" means to me. I am not their judge, God is. That means that I don't get to tell them how to live. Nicely, it also means they don't get to tell me how to live. Things are convenient that way.
I may not like my sister's tattoos or piercings, but that doesn't mean I should say that she's ugly (I don't like them, at least not the piercings. She's not ugly.). I may be able to prove that God thinks tattoos are ugly (I don't really care to try). That doesn't mean I should.
I may think that the kid on the next aisle should be in bed when I'm shopping at 11 pm. I may not be impressed that he's got a bottle of soda and is screaming at the top of his lungs. I may have lots of scripture on how kids should be raised. It doesn't mean I should judge that kid's parents. I don't know their lives. I don't know if this is normal or odd for their family. I shouldn't judge I don't have all the facts.
I may think that it's wrong for two men or two women to be in a relationship. I may have scripture to back up how wrong it is. I may think they are sinning. But that does not mean I should judge.
God didn't die and make me judge. I have no right to tell anyone (except maybe Ace and at some point our children) how to live. I have no right to tell anyone they are going to hell because they kiss someone of the wrong gender, have a tattoo, are a bad parent, or even just that they mess up. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT.
And I have no right to judge Christians as judgmental. I HAVE NO RIGHT.
If I don't have that right, what makes someone else think they do?
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Lost
I'm beginning to get annoyed with myself. I'm getting maudlin over here.
It's just hard to feel upbeat right now.
Ace is trying to find out what is going to happen next for him with his job. He's doing a sleep study tonight. We'll find out if he has sleep apnea or not.
Ace's parents are back home. They aren't asking me about my laptop, but they are asking lots of questions about what is going on with Ace. Questions that I don't know the answers to. Questions that Ace doesn't always know the answers to.
I'm back to not wanting to go to sleep. Some part of my brain is trying to avoid sleep, like sleep is my enemy. I'm feeling edgy and cagey. It gets too loud in my head and I just want to stay quiet, because I don't want to say what is in my head. And I know these things are not good things, but I keep avoiding falling flat out into depression somehow.
I'm feeling lost. I can't find my shore. I'm not out too far, but I can't get my bearings. And the waves and the tide keep carrying me on.
It's just hard to feel upbeat right now.
Ace is trying to find out what is going to happen next for him with his job. He's doing a sleep study tonight. We'll find out if he has sleep apnea or not.
Ace's parents are back home. They aren't asking me about my laptop, but they are asking lots of questions about what is going on with Ace. Questions that I don't know the answers to. Questions that Ace doesn't always know the answers to.
I'm back to not wanting to go to sleep. Some part of my brain is trying to avoid sleep, like sleep is my enemy. I'm feeling edgy and cagey. It gets too loud in my head and I just want to stay quiet, because I don't want to say what is in my head. And I know these things are not good things, but I keep avoiding falling flat out into depression somehow.
I'm feeling lost. I can't find my shore. I'm not out too far, but I can't get my bearings. And the waves and the tide keep carrying me on.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
My Secrets
I don't share everything here. That is hardly surprising, given that this is an anonymous blog. I don't share absolutely everything with Ace either. That is only surprising in that we share so much with each other.
I want to get some secrets off my chest.
1. Despite facing some of the blackest depression and experiencing things that would make most people break, I am still sane. In all that time, in all those things, I have only wanted to hurt myself physically once, and that was at a very bad time for me emotionally. I, fortunately, got much better shortly after that.
2. Ace and I have talked about him getting a tattoo (or more than one) since shortly after we were married (if not before). In the back of my mind, I've always slightly wanted to get one too, but I HATE needles. Recently, I decided to get at least two tattoos. I'm not fully sure how I feel about it, but I like my reasons for wanting them.
3. There is a small part of me that is concerned that I might possibly decide that it's okay to hurt myself physically to help emotional pain. I feel concerned that getting a tattoo will make me more likely to do something stupid. I know that I'm not going to do it, but that doesn't make me feel less concerned.
4. My in-laws have been out of town for a week. I haven't missed them in the slightest. I was complaining to Ace, while he was here on leave, that they didn't seem to be wanting to leave soon enough for us.
5. Ace and I enjoyed ourselves greatly after 6 weeks apart. Now we don't know when we'll see each other again. I think this is harder than the 6 weeks.
6. Sometimes, my compassion for people goes out the window when they seem to be inviting drama into their lives. It's not that I no longer care, it's just that I wonder when they are going to start admitting that they are contributing to their own problems.
7. Sometimes, it's louder in my head when it's silent outside it. That is a big part of the reason I've watched way more TV shows and listened to way more music since Ace started training. I miss him.
8. While Ace was here, we bought me a laptop. It's all bright and shiny and new. I'm hoping his parents don't realize or just don't think about it.
I'm sure I have more secrets to share at some point, but for now I think I'm a bit taped out. Or rather, I've shared all I need to share.
Later.
I want to get some secrets off my chest.
1. Despite facing some of the blackest depression and experiencing things that would make most people break, I am still sane. In all that time, in all those things, I have only wanted to hurt myself physically once, and that was at a very bad time for me emotionally. I, fortunately, got much better shortly after that.
2. Ace and I have talked about him getting a tattoo (or more than one) since shortly after we were married (if not before). In the back of my mind, I've always slightly wanted to get one too, but I HATE needles. Recently, I decided to get at least two tattoos. I'm not fully sure how I feel about it, but I like my reasons for wanting them.
3. There is a small part of me that is concerned that I might possibly decide that it's okay to hurt myself physically to help emotional pain. I feel concerned that getting a tattoo will make me more likely to do something stupid. I know that I'm not going to do it, but that doesn't make me feel less concerned.
4. My in-laws have been out of town for a week. I haven't missed them in the slightest. I was complaining to Ace, while he was here on leave, that they didn't seem to be wanting to leave soon enough for us.
5. Ace and I enjoyed ourselves greatly after 6 weeks apart. Now we don't know when we'll see each other again. I think this is harder than the 6 weeks.
6. Sometimes, my compassion for people goes out the window when they seem to be inviting drama into their lives. It's not that I no longer care, it's just that I wonder when they are going to start admitting that they are contributing to their own problems.
7. Sometimes, it's louder in my head when it's silent outside it. That is a big part of the reason I've watched way more TV shows and listened to way more music since Ace started training. I miss him.
8. While Ace was here, we bought me a laptop. It's all bright and shiny and new. I'm hoping his parents don't realize or just don't think about it.
I'm sure I have more secrets to share at some point, but for now I think I'm a bit taped out. Or rather, I've shared all I need to share.
Later.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Quiet Still
My head has gotten quieter. But I'm still feeling quiet myself.
My emotions are up and down. Sometimes within a span of 5 minutes.
And there aren't words enough to explain everything. Words can be so limiting sometimes.
So, I'm over here, being quiet.
My emotions are up and down. Sometimes within a span of 5 minutes.
And there aren't words enough to explain everything. Words can be so limiting sometimes.
So, I'm over here, being quiet.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Quiet and Loud
Everything has seemed to be a mixture of opposites lately. I feel like being very quiet. It seems very loud in my head. I am surrounded by people. I feel alone. I am tired and just want to sleep until my body has finally caught up on rest. I find it hard to make myself to bed and then to go to sleep.
The biggest thing is that I just want to stay quiet and unnoticed for the most part right now. "Just leave me be. Let me take care of myself. I don't need a lot of help right now, thank you," some part of me is practically screaming. "Oh, but can you provide me with something to make it quiet in my head? It is so loud in here."
And every time I get still enough I start thinking about things I want to leave alone for now. Which just adds to me wanting to be practically falling asleep before I try getting into bed. Which leads to being exhausted, something I haven't really moved past since Ace left.
My emotions, while not completely raw, are fairly close to the surface. They feel uncomfortable. Silence seems to be too quiet, because it makes it easier to realize how loud it is in my head. And I don't have any answers for anyone right now, except that I'm not really ready to figure everything out yet.
I'm ready to be past all this crappy mental state. I miss feeling comfortable in the quiet. I miss having a calm and quiet mind (not that it's ever really fully quiet, but it's normally not so loud). I am ready for the world to not seem to be quiet so painful to me mentally and emotionally.
I think I'll just mostly sit here, distracting myself with things that make me laugh, and stay fairly quiet until I'm feeling more whole. Maybe then, my world won't seem quite so odd then.
The biggest thing is that I just want to stay quiet and unnoticed for the most part right now. "Just leave me be. Let me take care of myself. I don't need a lot of help right now, thank you," some part of me is practically screaming. "Oh, but can you provide me with something to make it quiet in my head? It is so loud in here."
And every time I get still enough I start thinking about things I want to leave alone for now. Which just adds to me wanting to be practically falling asleep before I try getting into bed. Which leads to being exhausted, something I haven't really moved past since Ace left.
My emotions, while not completely raw, are fairly close to the surface. They feel uncomfortable. Silence seems to be too quiet, because it makes it easier to realize how loud it is in my head. And I don't have any answers for anyone right now, except that I'm not really ready to figure everything out yet.
I'm ready to be past all this crappy mental state. I miss feeling comfortable in the quiet. I miss having a calm and quiet mind (not that it's ever really fully quiet, but it's normally not so loud). I am ready for the world to not seem to be quiet so painful to me mentally and emotionally.
I think I'll just mostly sit here, distracting myself with things that make me laugh, and stay fairly quiet until I'm feeling more whole. Maybe then, my world won't seem quite so odd then.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Less Twitchy, More Tired
The twitchiness seems to have dropped down a bit. I'm still way more raw emotionally than I'd like to be, but it's at livable levels over all.
On the other hand, my insomnia has not really left. On the plus side, I should fall asleep early and easily tonight (I have an early start to my day tomorrow). On the minus side, I think I've been having some minor problems focusing while reading my library book.
Also, I've suddenly gotten very obsessed with the show Sherlock, the writings of Arthur Conan Doyle about Sherlock Holmes, and British slang is starting to feel more natural than Oklahoma slang.
I'm starting to want to call the television the telly. I had to remember what a subway was before I called it the underground while talking with Ace. (We were talking about New York City. Oklahoma has no subways as far as I know.)
Basically, I need sleep and I'm obsessed with Sherlock Holmes in just about any way I can get him.
I think I need sex. How long until I see my husband again?
On the other hand, my insomnia has not really left. On the plus side, I should fall asleep early and easily tonight (I have an early start to my day tomorrow). On the minus side, I think I've been having some minor problems focusing while reading my library book.
Also, I've suddenly gotten very obsessed with the show Sherlock, the writings of Arthur Conan Doyle about Sherlock Holmes, and British slang is starting to feel more natural than Oklahoma slang.
I'm starting to want to call the television the telly. I had to remember what a subway was before I called it the underground while talking with Ace. (We were talking about New York City. Oklahoma has no subways as far as I know.)
Basically, I need sleep and I'm obsessed with Sherlock Holmes in just about any way I can get him.
I think I need sex. How long until I see my husband again?
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Twitchy
Today I am feeling twitchy. I think it's partly a lack of enough sleep lately. On a good night, I get 6 hours. That sounds like plenty, except my body prefers to get about 9 hours of sleep. I am tired a lot.
Also, I started my period. Completely expected thing to happen. The timing is even right. But the hormones have me on edge right now. I can practically feel my nerves wincing about everything that is happening. But reading about infertility while being on your period does not make life sunshine and roses (sometime, I'll actually find out if Ace and I have fertility issues, but not until we take care of x and y and maybe z).
Oh, and I woke up with my shoulder aching and my fingertips numb.
And I'm missing Ace like crazy.
And my father-in-law, who has toned down his affection, is still being more affectionate than I'd like.
And I'm trying to just relax, but it's not really working. Because that stupid driving test is looming in my vision again. And I know I can pass it, but there's a small part of me that keeps wondering if I'm not letting myself.
In other words, I have about a dozen reasons to be twitchy right now and they are all hitting me at once. Depression keeps breathing down my neck, looking for a week spot to pounce on and drag me down into its depths.
So, if you wonder why I'm not posting here right now, it's because I'm fighting off/dealing with all that stuff.
*Twitch, twitch*
Also, I started my period. Completely expected thing to happen. The timing is even right. But the hormones have me on edge right now. I can practically feel my nerves wincing about everything that is happening. But reading about infertility while being on your period does not make life sunshine and roses (sometime, I'll actually find out if Ace and I have fertility issues, but not until we take care of x and y and maybe z).
Oh, and I woke up with my shoulder aching and my fingertips numb.
And I'm missing Ace like crazy.
And my father-in-law, who has toned down his affection, is still being more affectionate than I'd like.
And I'm trying to just relax, but it's not really working. Because that stupid driving test is looming in my vision again. And I know I can pass it, but there's a small part of me that keeps wondering if I'm not letting myself.
In other words, I have about a dozen reasons to be twitchy right now and they are all hitting me at once. Depression keeps breathing down my neck, looking for a week spot to pounce on and drag me down into its depths.
So, if you wonder why I'm not posting here right now, it's because I'm fighting off/dealing with all that stuff.
*Twitch, twitch*
Friday, July 13, 2012
Depression Sucks
This past week, I started seeing the signs of depression coming on. It's not fully surprising, I'm missing Ace a lot and they shift in how his parents, especially his father, are acting would throw anyone.
I've noticed that right before depression pulls me down, I start having insomnia. I can't convince myself to go to bed and go to sleep. I don't know why, but it's like I'm suddenly afraid to go to sleep, afraid of my dreams (none of which I can remember being particularly bad, but...).
I'm not sunk down as far as I have been in the past. I'm having what feels more like bad emotional days (and exhaustion from the lack of enough sleep). The biggest things are a lack of motivation to do something as basic as feed myself and a feeling so raw/tired/sad all the time. But it's not controlling me (other than the not eating enough thing).
Good news keeps coming in. Slowly. Any bad news is temporary set backs. Nothing to make life suck completely. But enough to make it easier to feel depressed.
The only good thing about Ace having the laptop is that if I want to get online (and I do), I have to get off the bed to do it. Which means no lounging around on the bed in a cocoon of blankets letting myself slip further into depression.
I miss Ace. I miss not being tired, although that will disappear as soon as my body starts working with my brain on sleep instead of against it. I miss just being generally happy.
But I'm so close to finally, finally starting to get back to things being where I want them to be. And that makes me happy, deep down.
Depression sucks. But I'm stronger than it is.
I've noticed that right before depression pulls me down, I start having insomnia. I can't convince myself to go to bed and go to sleep. I don't know why, but it's like I'm suddenly afraid to go to sleep, afraid of my dreams (none of which I can remember being particularly bad, but...).
I'm not sunk down as far as I have been in the past. I'm having what feels more like bad emotional days (and exhaustion from the lack of enough sleep). The biggest things are a lack of motivation to do something as basic as feed myself and a feeling so raw/tired/sad all the time. But it's not controlling me (other than the not eating enough thing).
Good news keeps coming in. Slowly. Any bad news is temporary set backs. Nothing to make life suck completely. But enough to make it easier to feel depressed.
The only good thing about Ace having the laptop is that if I want to get online (and I do), I have to get off the bed to do it. Which means no lounging around on the bed in a cocoon of blankets letting myself slip further into depression.
I miss Ace. I miss not being tired, although that will disappear as soon as my body starts working with my brain on sleep instead of against it. I miss just being generally happy.
But I'm so close to finally, finally starting to get back to things being where I want them to be. And that makes me happy, deep down.
Depression sucks. But I'm stronger than it is.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Unwanted Attention
Ace is currently in training. He seems to be enjoying it, as far as I can tell. At the very least, he isn't hating it.
I, on the other hand, am stuck at his parents' house without his protection. And suddenly my father-in-law has decided to pay a lot of attention to me.
So far, nothing "inappropriate" has happened. Other than I don't want him paying this much attention to me and he keeps touching me without me feeling comfortable about it. He's not touching any place that people would claim is inappropriate. However, if I feel uncomfortable with his touches, it's inappropriate. It bothers me.
My father-in-law is very outgoing. I am an introvert. He likes being around people. I can get enough socialization with one meal to feel content with being alone for roughly a week. Also, it's taken him over 9 years to start trying to open up and welcome me into his family?
Supposedly, he hasn't felt like I've wanted to belong. He's been right about that a lot. I have hidden behind my husband often. My in-laws pry and push and make me feel uncomfortable. I keep lots of things private, because I don't feel like they need to be public. Going out to a meal and talking for an hour makes me uncomfortable (at least it does with them). Forcing physical contact is unreasonable. All it's going to do is drive me away.
I want to be out of here. I desperately want to be out of here. I want to be around my father or Ace, who both understand better my desire to be quiet and left alone. That I'm not big on being touched just whenever someone else feels like it. I want to be around people who understand that sometimes people don't want attention or contact. I want to feel like I don't need to shut myself off just to know that I'll be left alone.
Every time my father-in-law comes into my bedroom to "check up on me", it feels like he's invading my sanctuary. I don't have any place that is safe for just me while I'm living here. That isn't fair. Everyone deserves privacy. And while he doesn't just barge into the room, he also doesn't respect any personal space when he does come in. The only way to keep he from moving past just the doorway is to stand in the doorway, which then puts me in arms reach for more unwanted "affection".
When I leave here, I don't plan on coming back except to get my things moved out. I don't want people who have spent over 9 years feeling like I should make the first move to prove I want to be part of their family. Who makes the new person coming make the first move? And didn't they take me spending time with them while I was dating Ace as an indication that I was trying to, at least sort of, fit in?
I'm just ready to be done with all of this crap. And I just really want to be left alone.
I, on the other hand, am stuck at his parents' house without his protection. And suddenly my father-in-law has decided to pay a lot of attention to me.
So far, nothing "inappropriate" has happened. Other than I don't want him paying this much attention to me and he keeps touching me without me feeling comfortable about it. He's not touching any place that people would claim is inappropriate. However, if I feel uncomfortable with his touches, it's inappropriate. It bothers me.
My father-in-law is very outgoing. I am an introvert. He likes being around people. I can get enough socialization with one meal to feel content with being alone for roughly a week. Also, it's taken him over 9 years to start trying to open up and welcome me into his family?
Supposedly, he hasn't felt like I've wanted to belong. He's been right about that a lot. I have hidden behind my husband often. My in-laws pry and push and make me feel uncomfortable. I keep lots of things private, because I don't feel like they need to be public. Going out to a meal and talking for an hour makes me uncomfortable (at least it does with them). Forcing physical contact is unreasonable. All it's going to do is drive me away.
I want to be out of here. I desperately want to be out of here. I want to be around my father or Ace, who both understand better my desire to be quiet and left alone. That I'm not big on being touched just whenever someone else feels like it. I want to be around people who understand that sometimes people don't want attention or contact. I want to feel like I don't need to shut myself off just to know that I'll be left alone.
Every time my father-in-law comes into my bedroom to "check up on me", it feels like he's invading my sanctuary. I don't have any place that is safe for just me while I'm living here. That isn't fair. Everyone deserves privacy. And while he doesn't just barge into the room, he also doesn't respect any personal space when he does come in. The only way to keep he from moving past just the doorway is to stand in the doorway, which then puts me in arms reach for more unwanted "affection".
When I leave here, I don't plan on coming back except to get my things moved out. I don't want people who have spent over 9 years feeling like I should make the first move to prove I want to be part of their family. Who makes the new person coming make the first move? And didn't they take me spending time with them while I was dating Ace as an indication that I was trying to, at least sort of, fit in?
I'm just ready to be done with all of this crap. And I just really want to be left alone.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Missing Ace
Ace is at his second day of orientation. Hopefully today is going well.
I miss him. This time has been slightly harder than last time. There is nothing coming up to distract me. It doesn't help that I miss my laptop too.
For now, while I still have access to it, I'm spending lots of time on Netflix. It helps keep me distracted. In fact, when I'm not on Netflix, the TV is on. I can't seem to feel comfortable with silence right now.
I miss my husband. But I know that he's going to be making us money soon. And we need that to happen.
It doesn't fully make this separation easier.
I miss him. This time has been slightly harder than last time. There is nothing coming up to distract me. It doesn't help that I miss my laptop too.
For now, while I still have access to it, I'm spending lots of time on Netflix. It helps keep me distracted. In fact, when I'm not on Netflix, the TV is on. I can't seem to feel comfortable with silence right now.
I miss my husband. But I know that he's going to be making us money soon. And we need that to happen.
It doesn't fully make this separation easier.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Quiet
Things have been mostly quiet around here lately. Ace is getting paperwork moving for starting a job next Sunday with a trucking company. I am doing my best to stay as cool as possible (the replaced a/c can't quite seem to handle the 100+ degree heat).
Everything is in a sort of holding pattern right now. There is only so much Ace and I can do this early in the week to get him ready to go. So, we're just relaxing.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. So far, our plans include getting some ice cream or custard. And that's about all we have planned. Is custard the traditional/modern gift for 9 years?
Things are quiet right now. But it won't be long before they get busy again. For now, I'm going to go enjoy the quiet.
Everything is in a sort of holding pattern right now. There is only so much Ace and I can do this early in the week to get him ready to go. So, we're just relaxing.
Tomorrow is our anniversary. So far, our plans include getting some ice cream or custard. And that's about all we have planned. Is custard the traditional/modern gift for 9 years?
Things are quiet right now. But it won't be long before they get busy again. For now, I'm going to go enjoy the quiet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)