How Much Do You Share?

I'm thinking about what things to share with my future kids about my past. I'm wondering how much I should tell them about why I don't talk to my mother (if I'm still not talking to her). How much do I talk about depression and it's various appearances in my life? Do I try to describe how I feel when everything feels so hard to do, even making a sandwich? And how do you describe something like that?

Do I tell them of my weak moment a few years ago, where I considered doing something stupid and dangerous because it seemed better than just talking to my husband and admitting that I wasn't up for what he was asking me to do? Do I let them know that it's okay to find that idea scary, because I still find it scary today when I'm in a much better frame of mind?

Where do I draw the lines? Do I talk about why I've been reluctant to ask for professional help? Do I admit that a big problem is that society paints needing professional help as being weak or wrong and their mother doesn't want anyone to see her as weak? How do I let them know that this is a human failing, as is the avoidance of getting help?

I know they need to know that depression does run in my family, that if I suffer from it, even occasionally, that they could suffer from it too. I know they need to know that it's a good thing to get help, to get diagnosed, to not just suffer. I know that I need to be a good example by doing the same. I know that talking with someone would probably help my anxiety and stress levels too, especially since they are all likely related.

I know all this, but what I don't know is how much of my past am I supposed to share. How much do I say before I'm placing a burden on them instead of sharing information that they need to help their world make more sense? Where are the lines? Unfortunately, I don't think there is anyone who can tell me that. I'll have to figure it out as I go along.

But if you have some ideas as to where to start drawing some of those lines, won't you help me out?

Somedays Are a Struggle

I'm finding myself struggling lately to do basic things for myself (like eating lunch when Ace isn't here to help me find & fix something). I'm not quite sure why I'm struggling so much, but almost everything seems so big and hard that it's hard to convince myself to do much besides surf the internet all day.

And it's silly, because I know that we are getting so close to being back on our own. Ace has an interview this afternoon for a job selling houses for the builders. I'm not sure what all the job would require him to do (other than work weekends), but it's something he would enjoy and should pay enough for us to be on our own.

Even knowing this, it still seems so difficult to not spend time either at my laptop or curled up in bed with a book and an opportunity to nap. I'm not sure I want to talk to a psychiatrist, because I'd rather not have to be put on drugs. But a part of me is wondering if I might need them, because I know things aren't supposed to be this hard and I'm not supposed to be this tired all the time. I'm feeling grouchier lately too, finding it easy to get upset by Ace making innocent comments. I don't like what I'm seeing in myself and I want it to change, while at the same time wanting to shut the world out because it feels like that would be easier.

Somehow, I have a feeling easier would actually be worse for me in both the long run and the short term than just getting over myself and getting some help. I'm less than thrilled to say that any professional help will have to wait for a while, until other more urgent matters are taken care of first. Which does not mean that I plan on allowing myself to wallow in laziness, it just means I need somebody to push me to do what I know needs to be done.

Control and the Lack Thereof

I know I've been gone for 10 days (What have I been doing? Um, not much really. Fighting off depression some, playing lots of World of Warcraft, taking a day-trip to OKC, and realizing I should never watch any shows called Hoarders because they depress and overwhelm me), but I've not really had anything to say. Sometimes, there just isn't anything blog worthy going on in my life.

Ace and I talk, a lot. Yesterday, we talked about control, a subject that is somewhat hard to talk about, but is important none the less.

I had to admit that sometimes I feel bits of my fighting themselves. There's the control freak, who gets frustrated by the idea of giving up what little control I feel I have sometimes. A big part of my brain screams at me that it's wrong to let that control go and relax, because what if x or y or z happens? What will I do then?

On the other hand, I've got that part of me that feels like telling everyone and everything to go bother someone else about all this stuff. I'm not in charge, nor do I want to be. I want to relax and be stress-free for a while. And that's all well and good until the inner control freak starts freaking out that I'm giving up control.

I think we've come to the conclusion that I need to start giving up control of some things in a controlled environment (reading that sounds like I'm doing things backwards, but it's probably the best way to relax more). The situation is more about trusting that I can relax and give away some control and things will still be okay. It's hard to explain, without getting into details that I'd rather keep private, but it's important that I learn to let go.

If I can start letting go in one area, I can start letting go in another. Then I can reduce my stress levels significantly, and when I sleep at night I'll feel rested. I can't keep doing what I've done in the past and expect different results, so I need to change something.

Things I'm Grateful For

1. A husband who loves me enough to stop playing his game and cuddle with me.

2. An iPod full of good preaching.

3. Solving my mouse problem without spending more money.

4. Having access to a hot tub when I'm sore and hurting (or just wanting to get in a hot tub).

5. Knowing that God has a plan for me.

6. That my in-laws did get Ace and I shirts while they were on vacation.

7. Finding someone else who doesn't like watermelon (there are at least two of us now, and I'm not quite as weird as I once was).

8. Getting a chance to realize that my father-in-law is pretty decent in general, he's just frustrated with his wife most of the time (I think).

9. My father, step-mother, brother, and sister all love me.

10. Going to church again, even if it is just on Wednesdays for now (girl's got to have some alone time with her hubby). Especially when I hear a message I need to hear, even if my metaphorical toes are a little squished afterward.

11. Getting reminded that I need to see myself with God's eyes instead of my own (or my mother's).

12. Praise and worship.

13. That God rocks, even if my socks stay on.

14. That being grateful for one thing leads me to being grateful for something else, until I have a nice long list.

15. That I've gotten to do some amazing things in my life, including helping build 4 different church buildings, go on a cruise, and get married to an amazing man.

16. Inside jokes. (jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj) (No, I'm not explaining that joke today, that's why it's an inside joke.)

17. Having a husband that can make me laugh, even when I'm feeling like crying.

18. Having a husband who will hold me close when I'm crying.

19. Stories about kids that make me laugh and daydream about the day I'll have those same kind of stories.

20. Having a place to sort out my thoughts and share them with the world.

In Which a Line Is Thrown

I struggled the past few days. I've been fighting off depression and doubts about myself that had been creeping up on me while I had been distracted with something else. They are sneaky like that.

Anyway, I had been trying to go to some services of a conference at a local ministry the past few nights. I skipped Wednesday night, because I was busy fight off cramps and trying to find center emotionally (my period seems to have arrived a week early, I think). It wasn't a time for trying to focus on my spiritual side. Thursday, Ace and I went to the service, and I started crying twice before the actual service started. We left before the actual service started too, and I cried part of the way home. After we got home I cried some more, and then Ace and I talked and I started to feel better.

Friday, I wasn't sure I would make it through the service. Instead, I stayed home and watched it online (something I didn't think about doing on Wednesday). I managed to make it through the whole thing without crying, so I had hopes for Saturday night. I did realize that I needed to go Saturday, no matter what. So, Saturday comes and we go to the services. We got seated on the end of a pew (which was nice because I ducked out once to try to get my emotions back under control). I had clearly been remembered (Who would forget the one person carrying a throw pillow?), since I was asked if this seemed like it would work better for me. Over all, I did well. I only cried once and didn't bother anyone when I cried.

At the end of the service, I talked to some people who greatly helped me start feeling better about life in general. One of our friends offered to put us up in their home when/if we ever go down to visit them (they live in Mississippi). In fact, they said all we needed to do was pay for the gas to get down there, so we're hoping to make it down there sometime before the year is over. Then, we talked to another friend who obviously was extremely concerned about how I have been doing. She recommended some things and I'll be taking her advice to heart.

After probably floundering around emotionally, draining both my spiritual resources and my emotional ones, I finally have a line guiding me back to the shore. I have a feeling that I got exactly what I needed from the services tonight. It helped to be reminded how much God loves me, from multiple sources. I may not be where I want to be emotionally or spiritually (or physically) yet, but I now know how to get there from where I am at. And that makes all the difference.

Swept Away by the Tide

Despite Ace and I planning copious amounts of sex while his parents have been gone, it hasn't really happened. Mostly because we are both kind of lazy at times. Also, it's hard to get in the mood when there is a ton of stuff around. The abundance of TV channels hasn't helped either.

Instead, I've ended up on an emotional roller-coaster. I've been fighting off depression, or something equally bad, for most of the past week and a half. I'm wanting to just lay around and not do much. Starting my period today hasn't helped either.

I feel like I've been unexpectedly swept away by the tide of my emotions. I'm struggling, trying to find where the shore is again. It's difficult to hold on to any hope when this happens.

So, I'm going to try to hold on for now and wait for my hormones to calm back down some.

Metamorphosis

One of the things I love the most about reading my cousins' blogs is that they say things that make me think. They talk their way through their thought process and occasionally say something that spark a desire for me to come here and post something where I'm working my way through my thought process.

One of my cousins is struggling with transitioning mentally between being true to herself and being a mother. She's trying to figure all of it out and is wondering if anyone transitions to motherhood painlessly (not talking labor here, just going from being wife to wife and mother). I think she's fairly certain that no one does.

It's got me thinking. I'm not sure that the metamorphosis has to be painful, but I think that most women find themselves transitioning somewhat suddenly. There wasn't a lot of planning or waiting for their children. It seems that, for me at least, the idea of being a mother and transitioning into doing what needs to be done in that role are things that are longed for, even when I know that there are things that I won't love doing. The person/people I would be doing them for make it worth it.

I hesitate to say that I speak for anyone else. It seems, based on things I've read elsewhere, that my desires are not isolated to just me. But just because I feel this way doesn't mean everyone else does. I think that while my cousin is struggling with her transition, I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm being held back from mine. I guess these differences are the type of things that keeps the world interesting.

New Day, Old Tune

Earlier (like over 12 hours ago) I started talking about stuff that I've talked about before. Ace, while patient at first, eventually got to the point where he wanted me to stop focusing on negative stuff.

It seems I have a problem from time to time where I want to go back over stuff I can't do anything about and talk/complain/analyze it all over again as if I'll find something different than I've found in the past. It's stupid and pointless and something I'd talk to a therapist about if I had one, but I don't because they would probably want to start with having me rehash all my past that is better left alone.

Surprisingly, I am much less stressed, despite rehashing old stuff. It was kind of helped me to see what characteristics the important people in my life have and what characteristics just hold me back. I don't need to spend a lot of time around people who tell me what they think I should do about my relationship with my mother. They don't realize that I've already grieved for my losses there and am trying to move past the regrets that I have for letting her hurt me as long as I did. They don't know that I'm doing the best I can to protect me and my family.

I've told Ace more than once that part of me wishes my mother had been physically abusive instead of just emotionally abusive. If she had hit me, there would be a lot fewer people who would suggest I endure/recreate a relationship with her, because they would understand that physical abuse is wrong. Emotional abuse is just as bad though. There are no scars to show, but that doesn't mean there are no scars. Emotional abuse is harder to get past, because you need people building you up to undo the tearing down. It takes a long time to start feeling mostly whole, and I still have days where I see my flaws more clearly than my attributes. Healing seems to be an unending process.

I feel blessed to have found Ace. He's so supportive and caring. He's being more patient than he feels like while trying to let me sort through everything. He's doing good at not just telling me to get over it, even though there are times I'm sure he'd like to. He offers constructive criticism to help me become a better person and offers solutions instead of just pointing out the problems. I recognize that I'm blessed to have not fallen into the trap of dating/marrying an abusive man, potentially thinking that I deserved no better for myself. I recognize that I was blessed with a strong spirit, to not survive but thrive in life despite the bad times.

I'm rambling and rehashing stuff again. I should probably be in bed, asleep, instead of sitting on a couch and writing about all of this. But I'm not sure I'd have been able to sleep without trying to get my thoughts on these subjects organized in such a way that I can acknowledge those thoughts and dismiss them, either forever or for another time. Now that I've done that, I think I hear a bed calling me.

Later.

Alone At Last

Ace's parents left about an hour ago. By 3, Ace and I had cleared off the couch and moved our laptops back into the living room.

I am currently relaxing wearing less clothing than I normally wear. Ace and I are cooling off before we do much of anything else. We have no set time frame for the plans we have. The most important part for us is that I relax and completely de-stress.

Ace and I are alone at last. The past two or three days have been LONG and SLOW. But it doesn't matter, because we are now alone.

Less Than 72 Hours, But I May Scream

It's getting close to nearly 2 weeks of alone time with Ace. I think I may be going slightly crazy waiting for them to get out the door.

Today, my brother-in-law came to deliver the iPad he convinced my mother-in-law she needed (and after playing with hers he wants one, which may have been part of his thinking process all along). Ace and I are pretty sure she would do better with a laptop (and it would be more useful after they get back), but whatever. Instead of dropping it off, visiting until my in-laws went out, and then going home, my brother-in-law stayed all day. And he kept unintentionally interfering with my plans. I couldn't shave shortly after I got up, because then I'd be forcing 4 people to use 1 bathroom. Then, after I shaved, I couldn't watch TV (my in-laws were out of the house) because he was taking a nap in the living room (and Ace and I couldn't have sex, because he was here).

To top off my frustration, when I went into the bathroom shortly before he left, he had left the seat up (because he's single and doesn't think about the fact that I use that bathroom too). It was stupid and not a big thing, except it was just one more thing that shows that he spent today thinking about himself for the most part and not the people around him. And since I'm already too tense waiting for everyone to leave, it was just one thing too many for me to want to deal with. I was feeling bitchy and sarcastic and annoyed by almost everything already, so you can see how I might be less than charitable in my thinking about him after that.

I've never been so happy to not be going on a trip in my life.

A Break

I have no real reason why I haven't been posting lately, other than I've been a little too caught up in my own head.

Everything has been jumbled up inside me for the past month. I'm not sure where it's going, but it's been keeping me fairly quiet everywhere lately. I think Ace is getting a little concerned about me, since I'm not normally this introspective. Something is percolating, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

I have made a decision though. I'm taking a break from Facebook next week, when my in-laws go out of town. I don't know how long the break will be, but I feel the need for two or three days away from there. Maybe some of the hurts that are still under the surface can heal with that break.

I just know that I've felt emotionally tired for most of the last month and I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being on the edge of fighting off depression. I'm fairly certain a break will help a lot with that. Ace is, as always, supportive of my decision.

Hopefully, I'll have more to say as I take a break from FB and spend more time in the real world. If nothing else, it'll free up more of my day for playing WoW with Ace, something I know will make him happy.

The Garage Sale 2: The Quickening Part 2

Well, as it happened last time, I spent about an hour in the heat and then came inside because I felt nauseous from the heat (I sat where I was being hit most of the time by 3 fans, and I still got overheated faster than I would have liked). My body does not take well to heat.

On the plus side, all that teaching stuff is out of here and isn't coming back (or it will be out of here when the trash gets picked up/it gets donated/something other than it staying here). Ace made the big sale of the weekend of $50 for a bunch of books. If only my mother-in-law was getting rid of more than just her old teaching supplies.

In a week and a half, Ace and I get a 2 week break from the in-laws because they are going on vacation. I'm counting down the days in my head. I know that it's not that far away, but it feels a little like it is. Ace and I have plans for while we're alone (sex, cleaning out the fridge again, sex, cleaning out the pantry, sex, non-fried foods, sex, and did I mention we plan on having sex?). The timing should be really good for potential baby-making, which is exciting.

So, 10 more days until we're alone. I should have a big smile permanently on my face for most of those two weeks. And my stress levels should be extremely low, which is great for my health (mental, physical, and emotional). And 2 weeks of parking in the garage so our car isn't HOT when we get in it! Life is looking good.

The Garage Sale 2: The Quickening

Or My Mother-in-Law May Not Live Through the Weekend

After the last disaster of a garage sale, we're having another one (during the hottest month of the year). This one is happening right around the time school is about to start, and apparently that's helped greatly as it's already paid for the advertising for itself.

On the other hand, I may kill my mother-in-law before the weekend is over if she keeps talking to me like I'm an idiot (or, according to Ace, she may kill herself first, it's apparently a toss up there). I'm already frustrated because I'm really freaking hot and that seems to be lowering my threshold for my temper (not to mention feeling icky because I'm hot and my stomach doesn't like the heat).

So far, my mother-in-law was annoyed that I didn't get up and come help right away with setting up the garage sale (I slept about an hour longer than Ace did, even though I got up 105 minutes later), but chose to shave my legs like I had originally planned before she said she wanted to start setting up the tables at 8 am (they really needed it, plus I'm less hot with less hair). She made a comment (as I was getting out of the tub) about me not going out their and sweating like everyone else (because that's supposed to make me want to help, right?). Today, she seems to be trying to get on my nerves, which are close to the surface as I'm still struggling a little to get past the frustration of everyone expecting me to understand things all the time.

I'm trying hard to cool off, both literally and figuratively, before attempting to go back outside. Nicely, I have laundry that really needs to get washed today, so it does give me good reason to be inside some. Too bad I only have 2 loads of laundry to do.

(As for my first title, I figure it's better than calling this garage sale Electric Boogaloo. But you can call it that if you want to, I don't mind.)

I Think Ace Has a Point

Sunday, I had a fairly bad day emotionally. Between my hormones raging and my mother-in-law being selfish, I found it hard to find some calm middle ground. It didn't help that at a point that I desperately needed a little bit out of the house, Ace needed some rest because his mother wanted boxes moved to the garage for the upcoming garage sale (we're going to try selling off all her excess teacher stuff, which should work better since school is about to start/has started for the Tulsa area). She had originally said she wanted 3 boxes moved, it ended up being closer to 12 (because she can't count?).

Later that night, we went out. Ace and I talked some and he came up with a theory (also, he got us a chocolate shake). Ace's theory is that his mother is subconsciously trying to kill his father. It seems somewhat likely, since every time she seems to decide we need to do something that stresses me out is around the same time my father-in-law starts behaving in a friendlier manner.

Since then, we've remembered him telling us that she keeps dropping papers around her chair (at the dining room table) which he keeps slipping on. She also likes putting things on the step that leads into the house, which is a tripping hazard for everyone. Ace's mother also seems to realize that she does better with us when she asks us to do things and does them around our schedule instead of just on her own timetable, and based on our abilities instead of just her desire. Her own husband doesn't get that kind of consideration, apparently.

So, yeah. That's how it is here right now. Aren't you jealous of my life?

On Being Quiet

Lately (okay, the past three or four days), I've been not talking about what I really want to, even with Ace. It's not because I think Ace would be upset, I just don't quite know how to express the things I want to say.

I'm normally a fairly quiet person. I can spend lots of time being silent, or nearly silent, and be perfectly content with that. And then, as Ace can attest, I'll turn around and talk your ear off because I've been quiet and all these words have been building, and the dam I put up to hold them back can't hold them anymore and they all come spilling out. And after that, I'm content to be quiet for another few days, letting the process start all over again.

My only real problem with this cycle is when I can't seem to find the right words to express myself. Then I start feeling frustrated and flustered. And I start talking about other things, less important things, because I can find the words to express myself about them. Or I stay quiet longer and start to mentally fold into myself, which leads to fighting off depression.

I am quiet, but that is only one side of me. I'm still finding new facets of my personality and exploring what they mean. I guess that's something we're all doing (or avoiding doing). And in the end, I guess that as long as I am trying to figure out who I am and what I believe and why I believe it, I will figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing here on this earth.

And That's Why We Must Move Soon

Monday, I spent the day baby-sitting for my friend Karen (remember, she's my massage therapist/friend). Overall the day went well, with only a few brief problems. I was happy that it was to be a one day only affair (instead of something happening for the better part of two weeks). I got home that evening and was tired.

During the afternoon, Karen came back by her house for lunch. She invited us to go to a church with her sometime soonish. She's the second person to do so in the past month. She pointed out that it was probably God trying to get us to go back to church regularly, but understood when Ace pointed out that the only alone time we get is during church hours (he whispered it so that her kids wouldn't hear). She totally gets why sex is an important part of marriage.

But, I do agree with her. God wants us in a church. We want us in a church too (we even have a church in mind). We just need to get out of my in-laws house.

In Which I Am Alone

Oh my word, people! It's the quietest day ever over here. My in-laws are out shopping with my niece for back-to-school clothes. Ace is out getting trained (I think). I have spent most of my day reading about the 60s.

On the plus side, I'm feeling much better emotionally and much less like I'm going to snap at someone. On the minus side, I'm starting to feel a little lonely. I guess I could go watch some more TV.

Okay, I have a plan. I'll watch TV and read my book during commercials and try not to call my husband to find out where he is now.

"I Understand"

I'm beginning to get tired of a two word phrase in my vocabulary: "I understand."

It's not so much that I have a problem with this phrase as much as I have a problem with what it ends up meaning for my life. It means that despite someone telling me they would be somewhere or do something, it means they have some excuse as to why they can't/won't do it. It means they don't feel my time is as important as theirs is. And it's been going on for most of my life.

"We won't be coming because I don't want to upset your mother. After all, I have to live in the same town as her." I understand, but you don't know how much you hurt me with those two sentences. I've never gotten upset with you over seeing her, why should she get upset over you seeing me?

"X is sick." Okay, this is a legitimate excuse and thanks for not bringing a sick person around me.

"We're going to be out of town." Another legitimate excuse, told to me long before someone worrying about potentially upsetting my mother.

"We've got a cross-country trip this next week so..." 2 extremely young kids (one under 3 months old), okay it's kind of legitimate. Still painful.

"I've got so many people calling me for answers." And we're trying to help take that problem away, if you would just do the promised training!

I'm reaching an emotional breaking point, I can tell. And it's not anyone in particular who is going to push me over the edge, it's just seems like this whole thing is a never-ending demand that I just put up with one more person who wants something from me without finding out if I can handle it. I'm trying to hold on to my control, but I'm feeling it slipping some. I'm concerned that something innocent and stupid is going to cause a huge reaction from me that is totally out of proportion for the request and that I'll end up alienating someone who truly cares because my emotions are too messed up right now.

I'm doing my best to be patient and wait for the better times I see so close. I'm doing my best to drop my stress load. I'm doing my best, but it doesn't seem to be enough right now. I don't think my recent rash of reading tons of non-fiction books one right after another has helped any either. I think I need to finish the two books I currently have from the library and then Ace and I can have a talk about where I should go from there.

I'm tired. I'm tired of always being understanding, while at the same time feeling bad that I feel this way. I've been pushed too much for too long and I'm hanging on to the end of my rope. I'm practically exhausted emotionally, and I don't think I've got the space to express myself adequately (and I know I don't have the words). I'm tired and I'm hurting emotionally and no one but Ace seems to want to let me heal before making more demands/requests. I'm tired of people treating me like a doormat and deciding that "I understand" means "I approve" when it doesn't.

Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Express Your Frustration

The weekend was a success, over all. We had dinner with my siblings, my sister's boyfriend, and one aunt and uncle. I was fascinated throughout dinner with my uncle's tales and was happy that they had come. At the end of dinner, I felt like I had let my aunt (a different one) overstate how big the problem was. Things may not have been quite what I wanted originally, but they went well enough for what did happen.

On a completely different note, earlier Ace vented some frustration. Ace's mother was fixing dinner (tuna salad, which she felt needed boiled eggs for some reason) and needed some help with something (a common occurrence). Ace's father was too busy doing dishes to help her (they couldn't wait one more second, apparently). Ace got drafted to help, which was no big deal. Until his father decided to point out that Ace could have done the dishes. Ace got upset some because he's done the dishes several times with no recognition that he's done them from his parents. He's done several chores around the house without prompting, none of which have really been noticeably appreciated. I don't think the conversation was going to go anywhere constructive when Ace's mother called a halt to it.

Ace is a wonderful guy. He is almost as patient as the day is long (that is a phrase that I should look into sometime). There is, however, a point where he feels the need to get some recognition for things he's done (understandable, since we all get that way). It usually takes months of him feeling under-appreciated before he says anything to me (I'm working on being more appreciative). I think he has been pushed too much by his parents (especially his mother) the past few months. He's got good reason to be annoyed, especially since we've been eating out a lot lately so we haven't contributed to the most recent stack of dirty dishes for the most part.

I don't really know where to go with this, other than to say that I thought I would be the one to snap at his parents first. I'm getting tired of biting my tongue almost all the time.

Shaken

I have recently been trying to get back in touch with some of my family. In fact, I'm supposed to be having dinner with some of them Friday (tonight) and/or Saturday (tomorrow) night. Everything seemed to be going fairly well until a few hours ago.

One of my aunts and uncles went to lunch with my grandmother. She was excited about me coming into town and dinner. At least she was until she heard that my mother wasn't invited to dinner (she heard it from my mother, not my aunt and uncle). Then she got upset that my mother wasn't invited. I'm not sure my grandmother fully understands what's going on between my mother and I. I know that my dad had to tell her he wasn't part of it before she was fully okay with him again. I don't want to confuse my grandmother, so I'm not telling her what it's about (I'm not sure she would understand anyway).

Now, because of potential boat-rocking, my aunt and uncle are probably not coming to dinner. Sadly, this was only hours after they had determined that they would go to dinner with us (weird weekend shifts for my uncle mean weird sleeping patterns on the weekend, which meant they were originally not sure they were coming). My aunt is trying to play peace-maker and appease my upset mother (my sister told my mother, which got this whole thing rolling, but it's hard to get too upset with my sister since she is currently living with/dependent on my mother), and my aunt knows that I am much more forgiving.

So, instead of just being excited (and wondering why I haven't packed yet), I'm left feeling shaken because I didn't know my mother had the power to hurt me any more. I had thought cutting her out of my life would stop her ability to hurt me, and it has up until now. Now, she's managed to find a way to get to me because she's upset that I want contact with family again. I think. Who knows? Maybe she's just upset that I didn't invite her to dinner, which why would I?

Ace is frustrated, because there is little he can do to fix anything other than hold me while I cry and remind me that my mother hasn't shown any concern about finding out how I am from the avenue he suggested (apparently, she's getting all her news from my dad and probably my sister). He's trying to not get too upset with my family, but it's hard for him because he sees me hurting and they are causing at least part of it (inadvertently).

One of my cousins is excited to see me, so I know that I'll get to see her and my siblings. I'm trying to convince myself that if they are the only ones who show up, it's okay. Some of my relatives are/will be out of town and some have sick families to take care of. But even if others use lame excuses, at least I'll know there are some who really care about me and want to see me. And as much as I hate to think it, I'm fairly certain that this whole thing may damage some relationships that weren't on too stable ground already. Adding 5 years of not seeing/talking to/being around each other doesn't help.

I know that it would be easier for some people if I would just allow my mother back in my life. It would make them feel less in the middle. I'm not happy they are in the middle, but I'm not the one putting them there (I'm not asking them to choose a side). But I can't do something just because it would make other people's lives easier. I can't do something that I think is detrimental to myself to make others happier. I've done that enough in the past. I have to try to find my way and to do the things that are best for me and my family. Knowing that doesn't make things easier, but right isn't always easy. And I know I have to do the right things in order to make myself righteous.

I hope that people who know me know that I did not cut ties with my mother lightly. It was something I struggled with for a year. And there are times even now that I wonder if I should try to re-establish contact and ignore the past wrongs. But then I remember why that's not a good idea. I remind myself that it took me a long time to realize that most of my stress at the time was coming from that relationship. I've got to remember that I cut those ties for a reason. That I could not have a healthy relationship with my mother when she was so emotionally unhealthy.

I should probably go now. I've got to get some sleep before what's shaping up to be a few very long days with some pleasant patches thrown in. I'd like to look at least presentable for my cousin/siblings later.