NaBloPoMo Day 25

or Another Spam E-mail This Month?

Yes, another spam e-mail. Deal with it.

>From: American Embassy
>Sent: Sat, Nov 12, 2011 4:56 am
>Subject: ,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
Ooh, it's from the US Embassy. But why does the e-mail address not end in .gov?

>,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
>Embassy of United States of America in Abuja
>7, Mambilla Street
>Off Aso Drive Maitama District, Abuja
I have no clue if there is an embassy in Abuja. I don't know where Abuja is.

>Greeting to you, I am Mr. Fred Williams Secretary American Embassy
>Abuja-Nigeria, thank you so much and get back to my e-mail regarding the
>money you have lost based on ongoing scam activities in Africa especially
>Nigeria, the US, UN, EU and AU has admit with the federal government of
>Nigeria to combat this recent increasing in fraud by the dubious citizens of
>the third world nations
Greetings to you. I never talked to you before but I'm glad I could help you with the e-mail I didn't send. I'm glad to see someone is taking all this fraud seriously.

>We have carried out Investigation to many Office departments in African
>countries.
Well, that's good to know. Why are you randomly capitalizing words?

>Also, Regarding different emails you are receiving from people claiming to be
>President of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), we want you to stop any further
>communication with them.
I haven't been communicating with anyone from Nigeria. I've not responded to a single spam e-mail. Ever.

>We are working very hard, with ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISSION >(EFCC) in conjunction with FBI to make sure we arrest all those criminals.
That's nice. Does this mean I'll get less spam?

>This is to inform you about our plan; This Group is responsible for
>investigating the legitimacy of your fund worldwide to the beneficiaries
>without further delay. You are being legally contacted regarding the release
>of your long awaited fund that amount $14, 700, 00, 00 million U.S dollars
>WHICH WILL get to you through Mrs. STELLA COLLINS AND THE LAWYER >REPRESENTING YOU BARRISTER MARTINS ADAM PHONE +2347042948613
I haven't been awaiting any funds from Nigeria. Especially not $14.7 million. I have no clue if that's even a legitimate phone number.

>YOUR URGENT RESPONDS WITH THE INFORMATION'S STATED BELOW
>1 Your complete name
>2 your complete address to avoid handling of your card that contains your fund to a wrong >hand
>3 A copy of your identification card or you international; passport
>4 Phone number
>5 Your occupation
1 Marsha Amanda Smith (not my real name)
2 12345 S. Main St, Tulsa, OK 67891 (not my real address)
3 I don't have a way to copy my ID and I don't have a passport (not that I'd put it here if I did)
4 1 (234) 555-6789
5 Ice cream taste tester (oh wait, that's a job I might enjoy, not one I have)

>Send a copy of your INFORMATION\S to our remittance officer to avoid handling
>your fund to a wrong hand inform her that I directed you to contact her with
>the informations below
>NAME: Mrs. STELLA COLLINS
>REF/ PAYMENTS CODE: ECB/06654
>Email: mrsstellacollins4@i.ua
I'm not fully sure I know what I'm supposed to do here. Am I supposed to send her information? Am I supposed to tell this person I'm supposed to contact her?

>Thanks
Thanks for nothing.

>Mr. Fred Williams
>Secretary American Embassy in Abuja-Nigeria
Marsha Amanda Smith
Ice Cream Taste Tester

Sorry, I don't think I was nearly as funny today. This e-mail just wasn't that funny and ended up being odd.

NaBloPoMo Day 24

or Things I'm Thankful For

As it's Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to make a list of things I'm thankful for this year.

1. Ace has a job.

2. Ace has motivation to get us back on our own.

3. We've had somewhere to live for the last year and a half. It may not be where we've dreamed of living, but we've had a roof over our head.

4. I have a nice warm blanket to keep me warm when the house is cooler than I'd like it to be.

5. I have a new friend. We're making plans to get to know each other better.

6. I have things I can take and do when my shoulder or back starts hurting.

I'm sure there are many other things that I'm thankful for, but right now these are the things that top my list.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

NaBloPoMo Day 23

Ace and I are planning on spending some time together, just the two of us, later on. I'm looking forward to it. We've had less time with each other lately because of his job (that doesn't bother me) and because of spending time with our friend (I'll give her a name soon, but not today).

It's nice for us to have a little bit of time to focus on each other. I think I've been needing a little of that lately. I've got some things for us to talk about and hopefully we'll get some things ironed out and plans will be made.

Ace has promised me the time, and if I have to hide the phone and drag him away from his computer, I know I'll get it (I doubt I'll have to take such drastic measures). It's a good thing for me to learn to balance my demands on his time with what time he has available, but it's also good for him to remember to spend time with me while balancing everything else.

We'll find our equilibrium again. I'll find myself needing a bit less time from him and he'll find himself giving me a bit more attention. It's how it works. But this in between state is an odd one.

NaBloPoMo Day 22

All my worry was for no reason. I kind of knew it would be from the start. I like this friend of Ace's. She's now my friend. Hopefully we'll be able to see her again soon and we can all get better acquainted.

My brain is just one that goes about 3 times further than it has to when thinking about stuff like this. I start off with reasonable questions (Will we find something to talk about?) and end up with totally crazy ones (Will she think I'm crazy and evil?).

That's probably the worst thing that happened with my mom's craziness, I over think things to an extreme degree. Every time I start thinking too much, it ends with me thinking that someone is going to hate me, FOREVER, for some minor thing. It's not healthy. It's not fair to anyone who is even minorly reasonable, which is most people.

On the plus side, knowing that this is a problem, I can start working on it. I can work on not assuming the worst case scenario. I can stop predicting the end of my safe world (at least, the one in my head) for every small thing.

I made a new friend. That makes me happy.

NaBloPoMo Day 21

Since Thanksgiving is this Thursday, I guess I should be focused on things I'm thankful for. Instead, today I'm focused on an old friend of Ace's from high school (old as in he knew her a long time ago, not old as in she's 80).

They are friends on FaceBook. She posted something recently about an event her daughter had and she invited people to come. Ace told her he couldn't make it due to previous plans. Once she found out it was his prayer night, she asked him to come to church with her (partially so they could catch up).

Yesterday morning, he went to church with her. I stayed home, mostly because of a sore back and desiring some time alone. Ace got home about an hour after the service ended, obviously catching up went well (the church is within a mile of my in-laws house, so I know travel time was practically nothing).

This evening, I will meet this friend. Ace has let me read the conversations they've had just so I know what is going on. He told me some about them visiting. He wants us to be friends with his old friend, something I'm fine with. From the sound of it, she needs a relationship with a guy who just wants to be friends.

Ace doesn't want to keep things secret from me. He would like it if she and I became friends. I'm hoping to make a new friend and get to know more about the past my husband seems to have mostly suppressed. I'm curious about this person who freely invites people to church, something I haven't always seen. I'm curious about what her kids are like (she has 2).

And while I'm curious about her, I wonder if she's curious about me. Did she used to have a crush on Ace and wants to know what kind of woman he married? What if she thinks I'm all wrong for Ace? Would she even care? What if I can't find things to talk to her about? What if I can't stop babbling? What if I make a complete fool of myself? Will any of these thoughts matter?

Obviously, Ace and this friend weren't that close in high school. I'd have met her before now if she was that important to him before. I've known Ace for over 9 years, been married close to 8 and 1/2, and yet my insecurities about meeting people he used to know well still come out. All sorts of stupid what ifs keep popping in my head. I'm over thinking this whole thing. Somehow, I imagine that I'm not the only one over thinking things. But I'm probably the only one awake when I should be sleeping because I'm over thinking things.

Later today I'll meet an old friend of Ace's. I hope everything goes well.

NaBloPoMo Day 20

We are two thirds of the way through the month. In celebration, I bring you this picture.













Thank you for your attention.

NaBloPoMo Day 19

Thanksgiving this year looks to be very different from the last several years. My dad and step-mom have other plans, so I won't be having smoked turkey then. I'm not really sure what the plans will be, but it won't be the same.

My sister was apparently wanting to come for Thanksgiving too. It would have been nice to see her. But there's always Christmas.

On the plus side, for the first time in more years than I'd like to remember, Ace and I will be able to do something more for Christmas than just go visit people. We should be able to buy gifts for my family and maybe give gift cards to Ace's family.

Things are starting to look up. And I'm holding onto that.

NaBloPoMo Day 18

or Making Lists

Yesterday seems to have been a day for me to make lists. I made a list for my post. I made a grocery list (granted, it was stuff Ace and I forgot at the store the day before or found out we are almost out of after we got back from the store, but still). But those aren't the important lists that were made yesterday.

Ace and I made a list of what we need to get or have the money for to be able to move out. There are some important things on that list. Things like sheets, towels, pots & pans, and a car.

And then Ace and I made a list of our expected outgo each month. We figured up how much we're likely to need for income to meet our monthly expenses. It's all doable. It's not an outrageous amount. And that list will definitely be adjusted as we get more definite numbers in the future.

But we can see financially where we need to be to get out of here. We can see the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. We make lists like these so that we can remind ourselves that there is hope. We have a brighter future ahead of us.

NaBloPoMo Day 17

or Things I've Learned as a Healer in World of Warcraft that Apply to Real Life

Today's post is going to be a list. Because we haven't had one of those in a while and I'm in the mood for a list.

1. Sometimes you can do everything right and it still goes wrong.

2. You have to take care of yourself too, or things will go wrong much more quickly than you think they will.

3. People appreciate someone who helps them.

4. People will blame you for problems they cause, even if you are trying to help them.

5. It's hard to think clearly when you panic. Staying calm in tense situations is better than freaking out. Things seem to go smoother that way too.

6. You can surprise yourself in what you can accomplish.

7. In some situations the clothes that you wear are important.

8. If you are still standing at the end of the fight, you've done well. If you can go onto to next thing without needing a break, you are doing even better.

9. It's important to communicate with those you are working with. Preferably without yelling at them.

10. When everyone does their parts, things can go smoothly. Enjoy this, because it can be rare.

11. Sometimes things don't work as well with someone different in the group. Sometimes they do.

12. It's okay to be picky about who you work with. The wrong person can keep you from succeeding.

So, yeah. That's the things I have learned from healing in World of Warcraft that I can apply to real life situations.

NaBloPoMo Day 16

What makes a Christian? Can I be called a Christian if I don't live a perfect life? These questions have popped up in my life recently (mostly from quizzes I was taking).

My problem with the idea of not being able to call myself a Christian if I slip in my walk with God is that no one would be able to call themselves a Christian if we hold them to that standard. We all mess up. Even on our best days, the ones we find our Christian walk the easiest, we still are human and can slip.

I don't have every scripture memorized. I doubt I ever will. The Bible is kind of a big book to try to memorize. But I have learned from it. I apply what I've learned to my life. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the easiest way to learn how to do the right thing in a situation is to sometimes do the wrong thing. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to mess up.

I don't always feel bad when I swear. I don't feel guilty because my entire focus is not on Jesus 24/7. I don't always remember to put others first, and because of that I have learned that sometimes you need to stop and take care of yourself. I can't help you feel better if I'm barely able to dress myself today.

I'm not perfect in my Christian walk. I struggle some days. I say the wrong thing entirely too often. I'm too selfish when something stressful is on my mind. I strive to do better after messing up and sometimes I still end up messing up worse. I focus too much on my flaws sometimes and fail to see the things that make me beautiful. I don't always remember to count my blessings.

I am a Christian. God loves me in spite of these things. And that makes me special.

NaBloPoMo Day 15

Ace and I went out earlier to buy him a new office chair (not for his job, but for our room). His old one had broken (quite badly) and it had to be tossed. The new one is pretty much the same as the old one was, but we only really need it to last about 6 months so that's not a big deal (and the old one lasted over a year before it started having problems).

On the plus side, the chair was on sale and was easy to put together. And now Ace doesn't feel uncomfortable sitting at his desk. And that means he can do his online training in the evenings (provided he's not distracted with other things).

All in all, a great purchase.

NaBloPoMo Day 14

After a good night's sleep (and a few other things), I am feeling much better. My stress levels are back down to their normal levels (too high, but manageable).

All that just in time to feel exhausted by this weeks plans looming on the horizon. Ace starts training for his new job today (oh yeah, Ace has a job). He's hoping to spend most of his evenings this week doing the online portion of the training (he started last week, but the lack of a decent chair thwarted most of his concentration).

So, yeah. Things are busy around here. And it seems like it's only going to get busier before it calms down.

NaBloPoMo Day 13

Or M.A. Smith has been having a crappy week, so here's another spam e-mail

>Hello Friend,
Don't call me friend yet, I don't know if I like you.


>I'm Ralph Brimly Esq. a lawyer here in the Kingdom of Thailand. I know this may
>look surprising to you because we have never met but I found your contact
>particulars from an address journal and have summed up the courage to contact
>you. I apologies for taking a little of your time but be rest assured that you
>will be greatly rewarded if only you will help out.
I am surprised by this e-mail. Mostly because I didn't know Thailand was a kingdom (I hadn't really thought about it, to be honest). What address journal did you get my e-mail address from? Why didn't it have a name to go with it?



>A few days ago, a UN Diplomat official Mr. Wayne B. Robinson arrived in United
>States to deliver two consignment boxes containing the sum of US$18.5 Million
>United States Dollars to my client's "Mrs. Debra Edward" of 1776 N 9th ST., De
>Queen, AR, 71832,USA. Unfortunately all attempts to contact "Mrs. Debra Edward"
>have been unsuccessful Since last week which we later Yesterday found out that
>she Died on few days back based on her cancer problem which she has been
>complaining to me over two years now about her cancer illness and the diplomat
>Mr. Wayne Robinson is completely unaware of the content of the boxes, and the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson is planning to leave the consignment boxes at the
>Airport warehouse with Customs/Homeland security officials to proceed with his
>diplomatic mission abroad. My client "Mrs. Debra Edward" had earlier told the
>Diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson that the consignment boxes contained company
>materials and documents for the security of
>the US$18.5 Million United State
Okay, the address is real, but is probably from someone who these people scammed before. No clue who "Mrs. Debra Edward" is though. What is up with the random capitalization? For the security of the US$18.5 Million United State what?



>Because of this sudden death of My client "Mrs. Debra Edward" and the need for
>your assistance to claim the funds consignment boxes from the diplomat Mr. Wayne
>Robinson in United States right now, I am offering you 35% of the said funds
>amount for your willingness to act as the new recipient/beneficiary to the
>boxes and then help us receive and keep the boxes safe in your care pending on
>when I Barrister Ralph Brimly will arrive United States to meet with you
>immediately after the delivery of the funds consignment boxes to you by the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson.
Where is Mr. Wayne Robinson from? That name seems fairly American or English for an e-mail from Thailand. So, for holding on to these boxes, for apparently a few minutes (they did say immediately), I get 35%? Wow. Why doesn't Barrister Ralph Brimly pick up these boxes from Mr. Wayne Robinson? Wouldn't you get to keep more of the money that way?



>As soon as you respond indicating your interest, I will proceed to inform you
>about the consignment details and on how to esterblish communication with the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson in United States of America,
So, if I wait a year, you can still give me those details? Also, why is the last sentence ended with a comma?


>Please get back to me with your below contact details.
Maybe next year, when things seem less stressful.




>Full Names: Ranchero Casserole Smith
>Full Contact Address: 12345 E. Main St, Omaha, Ne 12345
>Direct Telephone Numbers: 1(555)234-6789
>Age: 905, but I look about 30
>Occupation: Millionaire Playboy
>Nationality: Neptunian (it sure is hot here)
I'm supposed to have more than one full name? (Did you like my silly answers?)


>I will furnish you with more detail of the diplomat and the consignment funds
>boxes details which will be kept confidential to yourself alone.
But I want to share the details with everyone. Darn, does this mean I can't get the 35%?


>Sincerely,
Mistaken for caring,

>Ralph Brimly Esq.
M.A. Smith a.k.a. Ranchero Casserole Smith (for this e-mail only)
Um... Isn't Ralph Brimly the one who is supposed to be getting the boxes from me? Now I'm just all manner of confused about this e-mail.

NaBloPoMo Day 12

There are some things that once you see you can't unsee. I really don't want to talk about what I wish I could unsee, but I thought I'd put that thought out there.

Sometimes, people need to be more careful about who can see over their shoulder before they look at stuff.

Yeah, I'm gonna go try to erase a memory now.

NaBloPoMo Day 11

After my post yesterday, I'm numb. I'm not hurting like I thought I might be, which is good. Instead I am numb.

And so very exhausted.

No matter how much sleep I get lately (which has been about 8 or 9 hours at a stretch), I'm still tired. I doubt my body is really this tired. Life has just been amazingly stressful and tiring the past few months.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have something better to say.

Today, I think I'm going to get some rest.

NaBloPoMo Day 10

Normally, when I get on here I know what I'm going to write about. Normally, I haven't made a commitment to write every day for 30 days.

That said, I want to talk about my mother. I don't normally. The subject of my mother is too sensitive and private. Or more so, the subject of my mother normally seems to cause me to over-think things and dwell and end up depressed.

Seeing as I've already been skating close to depression, and I've still got two library books guaranteed to make me laugh just waiting for me to read them, I think I'll talk about my mother anyway.

My mother is, at least in my opinion, a mess. She has had a bad tendency to move around the suburb she lives in far more often than really seems healthy (4 times in as many years that I can think of off the top of my head). She also doesn't go through everything before she moves it, it just gets boxed up and moved (usually because she's moving in somewhat of a hurry over a weekend).

She has problems expressing any positive sentiments to her children, even her obvious favorite. Instead, we've all been mentally pushed down in an effort for her to prop up her own self-esteem. It's left us all with doubts as to our worth or our readiness to do anything. And the few times there have been positive things, end up feeling like a carrot dangled before a mule to make it continue to move.

It's not that I hate my mother, despite what she might think. On the contrary, I love her a lot. But I refuse to be around her when it will just wind up with me feeling hurt again. I deserve better than that, even if it took me a while to get to that place mentally.

I've learned many things from my mother, most of them what not to do to my own children. Not all the things I've learned are helpful with anyone besides her either. Not having her in my life has been good, especially while dealing with other hard times. I don't need one more person added to the chorus that is saying that Ace and I messed up. I've had more peace, even with my frustrations, knowing that my mother wasn't going to dump a ton of stuff on me on a regular basis.

I don't think my mother is evil, but I do know that I am still too broken to try to have any kind of relationship with her. My dreams bear this out. I recently had a dream where I asked her if she knew what no contact meant. I'm obviously still somewhat upset about my brother's graduation (for more than reason, but I'm not talking about the car dying, I'm talking about my mother).

As much as I'd like to think that I'm past my past and all the stuff with my mother, I often find that I'm still just as hung up about things as I ever was. Despite her voice no longer being in my head, hounding me with her opinions on my life, I still have the scars and the broken bits as evidence of her still affecting my life. I don't know how long it will take to feel like I'm not broken, if I ever will. Things that seem unrelated trigger old insecurities and make me feel just as broken as I ever was.

I know that when I have kids, there will be no way for me to avoid messing up. My only real hope is that when I mess up, it won't have nearly the lasting impact on them as my mom has had on me.

NaBloPoMo Day 9

Dear world,

I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people I'm dealing with lately. Even when there aren't that many people, it's overwhelming.

I think I need to take a day off from dealing with people other than Ace.

See you on Thursday.

M.A. Smith

P.S.: I think I'll spend some time reading library books. At least I know the people in them aren't real. Terry Pratchett, take me away!

P.P.S.: Maybe I'll feel better after a day away from most people. That'd be nice.

NaBloPoMo Day 8

Dear Terry Pratchett,

I love your Discworld novels. They make me laugh and I find it hard to put them down until I've finished them. I am looking forward to reading the whole series.

You inspire me as a writer. I want to write my books in such a way as to draw readers in. I hope my books are as interesting.

Thank you for writing.

Love,
M.A. Smith

NaBloPoMo Day 7

Sometimes, no matter how good a mood I am in, some part of me wants to cry. To feel the sadness of someone else. To give into depression some, for a little bit.

It's tempting. So tempting to stop fighting and just sink down into feeling upset and just lay around. To not fight it off anymore.

It's tiring, fighting off depression. Fighting to hold onto hope that tomorrow will be better, that this month will have better news, that the next phone call will be the positive change that I've been waiting on.

I'm not giving up, but I'm tired. I'm so very tired in ways that aren't truly physical, despite my body's claims otherwise. I'm tired of my emotions spinning out my control. I'm tired of trying to control them.

I'm tired of hurting inside for no real reason. I'm tired of the pain and the emotional aches that turn into physical ones because my body doesn't know how else to deal with them.

I'm tired of being tired.

NaBloPoMo Day 6

or Ahh! Things Have Gone Crazy

Um, yeah. It's been slightly hard to stay calm over here lately. The past two nights, we've had earthquakes in Oklahoma. Noticeable ones.

Friday night, while my father-in-law was at work and my mother-in-law was in bed, Ace and I were relaxing. We were talking about possibly getting romantic, and I was changing some clothes, when suddenly the walls started shaking. At first, I thought someone was trying to open the door to our bedroom (with the door locked). Ace thought there may have been someone on the roof. Turns out, it was a 4.7 earthquake elsewhere in Oklahoma.

Last night, shortly before 11 p.m., the ground shook and the walls shook. There was no confusing it, Oklahoma was having another earthquake. What was originally said to be a 5.2 was upgraded to a 5.6 earthquake. It was felt in parts of Texas, Kansas, Missouri, and Arkansas in addition to Oklahoma.

I've been trying to calm myself some. I've only known that Oklahoma has earthquakes for a few years now and after experiencing 2 in 2 days, I'm a little freaked out about it. I'd rather go back to only having to wonder about tornadoes, they are bad enough.

So, yeah. Earthquakes in Oklahoma. What is proper procedure for earthquakes?

NaBloPoMo Day 5

or What Makes a Family Anyway?

The main book I wanted to pick up from the library Wednesday was a book called One Big Happy Family. It's a book with essays by various writers about different types of families you can find in these times. It's been interesting, and it's had me thinking.

What makes a family? Is it blood? Is it experiences? Is it living under one roof? Or is it love?

The common theme in the essays I've read so far has been one of love. The love of a husband and wife. The love of a parent for a child. The type of love that surpasses cultural challenges and societal norms for the areas they live in. The type of love that puts someone else's needs over their own.

The essay that has stuck with me the most, so far, has been one by a woman who is (or was) trying to figure out what her relationship with her son's nanny is now that some life changes demand that they are redefining things. Are they friends? Are they family?

How do we define family? How does someone go from stranger to friend to family member? I don't have answers to those questions, despite having it happen. In the absence of my extended family on my mom's side, I sort of made my own extended family. And yet, I can't say how these people, who mean a lot to me and feel like important bits of my family, came to be in that place.

Ace and I have been talking about various things that made me want to read about different types of families. It's probably a good thing. It makes me think, it makes me grow. And yet, it leaves me with questions.

How do we decide what makes a family?

NaBloPoMo Day 4

I Am a "Bad Woman"

Catherine of Her Bad Mother wrote The Bad Mother Manifesto
in June of 2009. It is well worth a read and should be read to understand the rest of my post. Really, my post will wait for you.

Catherine neatly covers the problems moms face based on this illusive, faceless perfect mom. I have a different person haunting me. It's the perfect woman. I'm not sure if she's just in my head, but she does haunt me. If only I were less lazy or less sore, maybe I'd be more stylish or have a paying job or just be able to do my entire mental list of everyday household chores.

The problem with this perfect woman is that no matter how I change I still won't be perfect. If I am a perfect housewife, keep my kitchen stocked, floors clean enough to eat off of, and my laundry not only never gets wrinkled by sitting too long in the dryer but is ironed just to make sure it looks perfect, there would still be the lingering wonder if I should also somehow be earning a paycheck and enriching my household that way.

I blame the feminist movement for this mythical perfect woman that haunts me. It's not that I think the feminists were trying to do anything harmful to women. On the contrary, they were trying to make their lives better. Unfortunately, my whole life it has felt like whatever choice I make in life, it's the wrong one.

If I choose to be a housewife (which I did), I can mentally hear people asking why I wasted my time going to college to work on a degree that I am not using. I can hear them asking what value I have to society, being a housewife. If I choose to work, I know that my house will start to look like a tornado hit it because there isn't enough hours in the day to keep it looking neat and clean while working (I've seen it happen). And shouldn't I be ashamed that I can't work so many hours and still stay on top of laundry and dishes, which were the only chores I seemed to handle keeping up as a housewife?

If I choose to have children, I wonder if I should bring more people into this crowded world. If I choose not to have children, I wonder if I'm missing something vital. If I have problems getting pregnant, I wonder if there is something wrong with my body or my choice of husband because I'm not pregnant. If I find that I'm infertile, I'm sure that specter of a perfect woman will haunt me even more. Surely she would handle infertility better and calmer than I would. She wouldn't wonder which things to try or if she can bear it. She wouldn't break down and cry in frustration over having problems. If I choose to adopt, I'm sure I would wonder if I could ever live up whatever I think my child's birth mother would be like or would do.

This perfect woman, the ever changing, illusive being, haunts my mind. I am not perfect. I never have and never will claim to be. And all these questions from these random nosy people, even if they only exist in my mind, they don't ever want to shut up. So, I stop trying to please them.

Instead, I talk with Ace and find out what he wants me to do. While his list of ideal chores I'd get done weekly is much longer than what I actually do accomplish when I have a house to keep, he doesn't complain that it's not enough. He understands that I have limits. He'd rather I not push myself past the point of hurting.

I have to get to the point where I accept that this perfect woman and I will never be the same. I am not going to try to be flawless. My house won't look like I'm devoted to following Martha Stewart's ideas of how a home should look.

And you know what, I think I'm okay with that.

Call me what you will on a scale of good to bad. I'm going to make sure Ace knows that I love him. I'll make sure we have clean clothes, even if they don't make it into the dresser before being worn again. And when we have kids, I'll make sure they know they are more important than how the house looks or getting chores done. And if that eventually makes me a bad mother, that's okay too. My kids will survive.

NaBloPoMo Day 3

Lately, although I haven't been talking about it here, I've been a bundle of nerves and insecurity. There's been a couple of reasons and at least one of them has been fully removed.

The other reason I've been nervous and insecure isn't going to go away nearly as quickly. D and I have been talking about things that have triggered some of the stuff that my mother broke about me. And I guess it's time to fully fix those bits and pieces that are broken.

I'm doing better now. This week hasn't seemed quite as "bad" as the past few weeks. I'm adjusting and working on the problem.

But the reminder that I'm still so broken was a bit shocking. I thought I was doing better than that. But I now know that I'm stronger, even in my broken parts, than I thought I was. I have seen warning signs of depression, but I staved it off each time before it hit. I'm doing better, even while having bad days.

I may never fully feel like I'm not broken, but at least I'm not feeling like it's impossible to fix the broken pieces.

NaBloPoMo Day 2

Or The Return of Bad Spam

>From: OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
No clue if this is a legitimate e-mail address.

>To: redacted e-mail address
Not the e-mail address connected to this blog, so it stays private.

>Sent: Sat, Sep 24, 2011 12:06 am
>Subject: Flag this message FLAG URGENT REPORT FROM U.S GOVERNMENT:VIEW >LINK:http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
I know nothing about this link, so you probably shouldn't click it.


>ATTN:" CONCERNED [CITIZEN]
But am I really a concerned citizen if citizen is put in special marks?


>OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
As opposed to the office of Kenya's president Barack Obama? Or do they just want to make sure I know which US president it is?

>Head office: The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500
Ooh, they looked up The White House's address. Fancy.

>Email: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net.
Yeah, I'm sure they president uses a netzero account for his email. The government was too cheap to give him an official government one, right?

> CONFIRMATION OF FUNDS TRANSFER
Wait, the US president wants to give me money? Let's hear him out.

>Attn. AUTHORITY TO GRANT RELEASE OF FUNDS
Yes, release the funds to me!


>After a Seven (7) days intensive board meeting on your behalf by the Internal
>board of trustees of the (G.C.F.R) President Of the Federal Republic Of Nigeria
>in person Dr. Good Luck Jonathan Ebere Also in conjunction with The president of
>United states of America in person of Barack Obama as we both have agreed to
>help you instruct all concerned dignitaries in custody of your Inheritance
>Beneficiary funds/compensation funds also your contract sum here Nigerian AND
>any other Governmental body in United states of America also all over the rest
>world at large that upon the presentation of this letter document they will
>immediately release with immediate effect your impounded / seized funds as a
>result of negligence on your part in the past.
Goodluck (all one word) Jonathan (and no Ebere, something to keep in mind) is the current president of Nigeria. But why would either Goodluck Jonathan or President Obama meet on my behalf? Shouldn't States be capitalized in United States of America? What inheritance benefits would I, a white woman in the US, have in Nigeria? Why would inheritance and beneficiary be capitalized? What rights to the presidents of Nigeria and the USA have over the rest of the world that this e-mail would make the world's governments make my life easier in this matter? Are they blackmailing the world? What negligence have I committed?

>The only advice I have for you is that you try and present this paper document
>to those authorities in custody of your funds also on before you provide this
>Guarantee paper to any authority, There is a great need for you to seek adequate
>advice with us by contacting United States Secret Service Agent In PERSON OF
>JOHN KIRK WOOD USSS/ CIA SPECIAL AGENT VIA :[ intelligencecommunity3@gmail.com
>] so that you may well be appropriately educated about the due process of law.
Because the CIA and the Secret Service share agents now? And the government is too cheap to give either agency their own e-mail system so they have to use gmail? Shouldn't I be consulting an attorney to find out about due process of law (and isn't that used in criminal cases)?


>It is also on this issue that the Two of us have embarked on several
>international visits to different countries, trying to reconcile the face of our
>nation with our foreign investor nations Based on the out come of the meeting,
>it was observed that the problem that has hindered your is payment is as a
>result negligence on your side. Your problem is no problem if only you would
>comply also all you have to do is to make sure that you carry out the orders as
>directed by the two us so that you in turn get a positive result without no
>further delays.
So, to not have delays in receiving an inheritance I knew nothing about I have to follow the advice in this e-mail? And somehow, me not doing anything to get an inheritance I just found out about has been negligence? And it's harmed the US's reputation with foreign investor nations? Me leaving money I supposedly have a right to alone is causing problems?


>Note that failure to correspond to instruction will hinder all that you have
>ever worked for, so it is best you comply with the officer in charge as directed
>so that you will be helped. I must congratulate you once more that you have
>shown authenticity as one of the beneficiary that is ever willing to receive his
>fund, with out any further delay; Our office supersedes all other offices
>related because our word is our bond also because your fund is currently under
>insurance, henceforth, We both assure you our Guarantee as you can see clearly
>within the content of this document that we have both agreed to help bridge the
>long gap between you and any legal authority in custody of your funds in
>accordance with the law .We swear before you that you will be paid in due time.
>Further more, your funds is safe in the hands of your assigned officer in
>respect of Special Agent John Kirkwood , all you have to do is to keep security
>in check with the officer at all times so that you get
>paid without much delay. Do not dispose the useful information�s received
>through us to any individual without proper identification from such individual.
Failure to respond will hinder my lack of doing anything prior to this point? Or do you mean you will somehow retroactively go in and mess my house up in the past? But I'm authentically showing my willingness to get money I didn't know about? I should trust that you have authority, because you say you do? If my funds are (sorry, is) in the hands of Agent Kirkwood, why wouldn't he be authorized to just bring me a check? I have ID (although, I don't have ID that just says citizen on it). Is Agent Kirkwood going to give me his phone number, so I can check in with him all the time? And I should be checking IDs of everyone? Mr. President, can I see your ID to know that you are who you claim you are?


>Finally, you are to call or mail the officer in charge so that he be able to
>instruct you what to do, as we both have instructed, so shall you do. Endeavor
>to keep off crime by reporting unsolicited emails regarding fake offices. Your
>payment is released immediately you get in touch with the officer as directed.
You didn't give me a number to call Agent Kirkwood, so I guess I'll have to send him an e-mail. Is he prompt to respond? Will he show me ID? You want me to stop crime by reporting unsolicited e-mails such as this one? Talk about your mixed messages! You talked about a wait, then you say he'll give me the money immediately. Mr. President, which is it?


>Try to ensure safety by respecting the power of this very office and the law as
>stipulated.
I do respect the power of the office of President, but I'm beginning to doubt this is from my president. He has yet to show me any ID.


>Further comments should be directed to the very office of the personal secretary
>to the office of the United States president .via: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net
Oh, they won't give the personal secretary of the President his or her own e-mail address. The government must be trying to crack down on excess spending (yeah, right).

>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/ group/main/main/id/00011272. html
Still don't know what this link is about. Still don't trust it.


>Good Luck
Where's your ID?


>Signed and duly stamped by
Ooh, where?


>PRESIDENT G.C.F.R DR GOOD LUCK JONATHAN FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.
According to Wikipedia, Goodluck is all one word. Show me some ID so I know it's not.


>PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BARACK OBAMA
Where is your signature Mr. President? And your ID, so I can compare the two.




>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
They really like this link.

>Your wish is our concern.
I wish for all my debts to be paid and to have a nice house and a couple of nice cars and enough money for Ace to never have to work again. Oh, and I'd like to have kids. Get back to me on those.

>Sincerely yours
Gee, thanks!

>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
She stopped being President Obama's secretary in June of this year. Why is she still sending out e-mails in September?

>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Not anymore. At least, not that I can tell. Don't know who is his secretary now, but it's not Ms. Johnson.

>Please do view link below.
Please don't.


>http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
Again with this link?




>Your wish is our concern.
Okay, this time I want a pony.

>Sincerely yours
Cordially sounds nicer at this point.


>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
Didn't we cover this already?

>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Yes, these last lines were in the e-mail twice.

So, yeah. Not going to follow up on this. It's over a month old anyway. It's not that hard to figure out it's spam mail, but making it supposedly come from the President of the US made it feel a bit more unique (at least it wasn't from the head of the FBI again).

Hopefully I'll get something else in my spam folder that looks fun to pull apart soon.

NaBloPoMo Day 1

This year, I'm once again doing National Blog Posting Month. For the next 30 days, I will be posting daily. This year, I don't think I'll have a theme for the month. Thankfulness is a good thing and I'm glad I focused on that last year. Next year I may decide to go back to focusing on something for the month or I may decide not to do NaBloPoMo.

I do have some things I want to talk about, things that I've been thinking about and letting sit. It gives me something to post about this month.

And for now, I think I'm just happy with stating that I'm going to be writing everyday in November. Hopefully I'll stretch my writing skills more as the month goes by.

Waiting for the Phone to Ring

Ace has been getting a lot more phone calls lately with potential jobs. This is good.

However, I don't know how long it will be until he has a job. So we are playing the waiting game. It's frustrating and neither of us is fond of it.

Ace is, of course, still applying for jobs. Hopefully we'll hear back from somebody soon with an interview that turns into a job offer.

Until then, we are mostly waiting for the phone to ring.

Broken-ish

There is something wrong with my in-laws' thermostat or a/c. It's been on cool and set around 72 degrees, but it hasn't seemed to actually cool off in the house.

I mention this only because it has been freakishly hot in this house for late October.

I'm hoping the weather starts cooling back down and we can stop needing the fans to cool off. (Blankets/jackets to stay warm are a totally different matter.)

31

Today, I turned 31. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. The day has been fairly good over all. I had lots of people wish me Happy Birthday, which made me feel warm and fuzzy.

My in-laws didn't do nearly as good a job at creating warm fuzzy feelings today. They didn't realize it was my birthday until late (which didn't really bother me much, but it did sting). They made an offer to take me to a place they chose for dessert tonight, even though I hadn't had dinner yet. They didn't check to see how late where they chose was open.

My in-laws took a chance to do something halfway decent for me late in the day on my birthday and made it all about them. I'm not saying they should have tried to make my day completely wonderful, but an effort to find out where I wanted to go for a dessert might have been nice. All they would have had to do was ask and let me think for a few minutes.

And this is why I'm ready for us to be on our own.

I'm a Mother Hen

One of my cousins, one that I haven't seen in a long time, is having some issues with her father. There's a big story there that I really don't want to think about or go into. He did some crazy, bad thing and is in jail now. He, apparently, wants to hear from her more often. She has kids she's raising, is pregnant, and is on bed rest. She is in no position to write him daily (which is what he wants).

She is just ready to stop all contact, from what I can tell. As much as I hate to see that, sometimes it's for the best. I sent her a message to let her know that I understand and I won't push her into any contact. I let her know she has at least one family member on her side. She doesn't need the extra stress, something bad at any time but worse when she's on bed rest. She doesn't need to sacrifice some part of herself to make someone who effectively took himself out of her life happier (or less whiny).

Sometimes, I feel like a mother hen. I want to protect the world from itself. At the very least, I want my cousin to know that she has someone who has been in a somewhat similar situation (not wanting to be hurt by a parent anymore) who will offer her a safe place to feel less alone. Someone to say it's okay to stop talking to someone who hurts you emotionally even if they aren't hurting you physically. Someone to say it's okay to protect yourself and your family.

I helped my cousin feel better. It made me feel better. I can't change the situation, but I can let her know that she isn't alone. Sometimes, just having one person say that they understand can make all the difference.

I wish I had had someone like me when I was where she's at right now. I'm thankful that I can be there for her.

Random Thoughts

My father-in-law decided to change what day he does laundry. We got no notice of this before hand. That seems like the kind of thing you should tell someone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When my mother-in-law is no where around, my father-in-law suddenly seems to be much happier and easier to get along with. When she is around, he is generally in a bad mood.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If my father-in-law needs a nap in the afternoon to be somewhat human again, why do my in-laws keep scheduling stuff for the afternoons that interferes with his chances to get that nap?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My birthday is coming up. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does my mother-in-law feel the need to share random crap she half remembers from the tv/news with me? And why did she encourage me to get pregnant and discourage it at the same time?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate waiting. Hopefully Ace will get a phone call soon and life will start looking much brighter again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a dream recently that I was moving in with my mom. I woke up hugging myself (I was hugging her in the dream). I'm still not quite sure what my brain was trying to work out there.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I'll stop here. I'm starting to run out of random thoughts. And now, I'm going to curl up with something that makes me laugh and stop focusing on so many negative things.

Why Anonymous?

After nearly 4 and 1/2 years posting here anonymously, I figure it's time I write about why this blog is anonymous.

4 and 1/2 years ago, I had a different blog. One that was know by my family. One that was probably read by at least some of my family. It was similar in lots of ways to this blog. I talked about random stuff that was on my mind and things that were happening.

But, I found myself censoring much of what I wanted to say. I didn't want my father to read about my sex life, because we have a mutual understanding that we each pretend the other doesn't have sex and thus our mental states stay free from acknowledging that the other is human with human sexual needs. We are both happier that way. I also found myself wanting to write about stuff with my mother, but not willing to write it where either she could read it or at least our mutual family members could read it.

At some point, something happened that brought about me feeling like I couldn't write anything there. I felt stifled by my self-imposed restrictions. I felt like I needed to write posts to mentally deal with things, but I couldn't write there any more.

So, I started a new blog. I decided to be anonymous, although the veil of anonymity is fairly thin sometimes. If any one who knows what is going on in my life (at this point, mostly my in-laws) were to read this blog, they would likely know I was the one writing it (as far as I know, they have no clue about blogs and thus I am fairly safe from them). It's a place for me to figure out how I feel about things or to write about what is happening.

Even here, I limit some topics. I don't constantly whine about my in-laws, because I'd rather think about more positive things. I don't talk about politics ever, I rarely think about such things. I rarely talk about my faith because it's so personal to me and it seems like the kind of thing to protect. I only occasionally talk about sex, because it also seems like the kind of thing to protect.

I don't plan, at this point, to stop being anonymous here. Anonymity suits me for this place. It gives me more freedom to talk about various things. It's not like I'm hiding my personality, just my name.

Productive Use of Time

This past week, Ace and I have been sleeping at night. Since we had been sleeping during the day, this is kind of a big deal for us.

Because I've been up during the day, I've been finding many productive uses of my time. Things like doing laundry. And it's not just that I've been productive, I've been actively wanting to get things accomplished.

Today, Ace and I went to the library. It's been a while since we've gone, so I was happy to go back. I've now got some research to do for my book (and a book to get research from, how convenient). The better I understand what I'm writing about, the better the book will be.

I'm just happy to feel like I'm being somewhat productive again.

Catfish and Sleep

This past weekend, Ace and I went to visit my dad and step-mom. It was wonderful and relaxing and just what I needed. We ate wonderful food. We watched movies on their hi-def TV. We adjusted our sleep schedule to being up during the day and asleep at night.

The best meal we had, of all the wonderful meals we had, was when we went to have soul food at this hole-in-the-wall diner. The place was tiny, the food was filling, the plates were full. They served our drinks in mason jars. I ate fried catfish (oh my word, it was good), green beans (so yummy), and mac' n' cheese (homemade!). I ate my banana pudding dessert several hours later, because I had no room for it while we were still there.

After we finished eating, I swore I needed to go lay down, not because I was sleepy but because it would be disrespectful to the food not to. I spent most of the afternoon laying on the couch with my eyes closed, listening to some movie or other, and feeling content with how yummy my lunch had been. I probably dozed off a time or two, but I mostly just rested my eyes. It was totally a lazy Saturday.

That night, I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. Within 5 minutes, I was asleep. And I slept well.

I can hardly wait to get another chance to see my dad and step-mom again.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

So, after whining about social networking and acting like a crotchety "Get off my porch" old lady, I went and signed up for a Google+.

However (there's always a however, isn't there), I signed up for Google+ as M.A. Smith. It's my social networking site for this blog, not for my family. If you want to join my circles, find me there. I will be happy to have more people in my sad little blogging life.

For now, I'm going to try to figure out who else I need to follow over there, because it's kind of bare bones for me right now.

Daydreams

I daydream about taking a beach vacation. I imagine the warmth from the sun, the shade from the umbrella over me, the look of white sand on the beach and the water in shades of green and blue stretching out as far as my eye can see.

I imagine someone providing me with cold drinks to keep me from getting overheated. I imagine a book sitting on my chair for me to read when I get tired of watching the water. I imagine the breeze keeping me feeling comfortable.

After a while, I imagine walking out into the water, just wanting to see what the ocean feels like again. The water is cooler than the air, but not too cold. It feels nice with the heat of the sun hitting me directly. I imagine all the fish I can clearly see swimming around my feet. I've waded out a decent way from where I was sitting, and the water is only up to my waist.

I smile at Ace and gesture for him to join me. We splash around and joke and laugh. We act like newly-weds again. Then I head back to my chair to air dry and read. I relax and let every bit of stress fade away. I wish I never have to leave.

I find myself looking forward to when this is not just in my daydreams, but in my reality.

Overwhelmed

Lately I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. It's been a quiet, contemplative thing for the most part. But it's not left me wanting to write here.

Ace and I have been talking a lot lately. More than we normally do on our topic. I'm starting to figure out that I've got to brush up on things I haven't yet. I'll have to ask people questions and learn some new things. It'll be better for me in the long run.

Hopefully with gaining knowledge, I'll start feeling less overwhelmed. I'll be able to handle some new responsibilities better and stop feeling so stressed about it. Just having a direction to go is starting to make me feel less overwhelmed.

And that's a good place to start.

10 Years

It's been 10 years since two planes crashed into the World Trade Center.

As much as I'd love to say that day really impacted my life, it didn't. At least not that much.

I didn't fully understand what I heard on my radio as I got up and got ready for class. It wasn't until I was in class that I even knew what had happened. I had a doctor's appointment for a sinus infection. Gas stations in OKC decided to gouge people on gas prices, so I was told to wait a few days to get gas. I didn't really know what to think about the attacks, so I didn't.

I admire the men and women who helped out in New York City that day. The ones who were willing to die to pull someone out of a building. They are heroes. They deserve all the respect and admiration they get. I also admire the soldiers who signed up to fight because they knew this horrible tragedy was wrong.

I was still asleep when both towers were crashed into. My life was and is so insulated in Oklahoma that the only real impact I've felt is slightly higher gas prices and a decided lack of desire to fly anywhere because of security precautions.

But I still remember that it's been 10 years.

Thermostat Wars

It's back to the time of year that my in-laws turn off the a/c at night. We're back to the time of year when Ace and I need to turn it back on or else we have a room in roughly the 90s because of poor air circulation.

It doesn't help that last night my father-in-law had to sleep in the living room because of a problem with their bed (one that will hopefully be fixed soon). It meant leaving the door shut all night, so we wouldn't disturb him. It meant less air flow than we could have otherwise had.

I understand the theory behind turning off the a/c. It shouldn't get warm enough at night to need the a/c to kick on. It might save a few dollars. However, if it's not warm enough, it won't kick on even if you leave it on. That's kind of the point behind a thermostat. And how much are you really saving anyway?

I'm tired of the excess heat.

Busy

I haven't been posting the past few days for a couple a days. The reasons for this have been two fold.

1. There hasn't been anything happening worth posting about. Seriously, I've spent the past 5 days playing World of Warcraft most of the time and sleeping when I haven't been playing for the most part.

2. I've been busy doing stuff with WoW. Stuff that I could post about, but this isn't a WoW blog. I'm happy to not talk about it here, because it's been a bit all encompassing to my life lately. I've had few conversations that didn't revolve around WoW or sleep.

I just thought you might want to know that I'm still alive.

Intermittent Self-Doubt

Last night, I played WoW again (as is somewhat usual). I healed a raid (this was new). It kicked up some self-doubt, despite seeing that I was doing decently at it.

I hate it when I start doubting myself. It's always over something stupid, that I know better than to freak out mentally over. And it usually involves me doing something fairly dumb because I'm so freaked out, adding to my self-doubt.

This isn't the first time that I've let self-doubt damage my mental calm. It's still a struggle to sometimes to move past all the bad things my mother said in the past that damaged my self-esteem. I'm doing better most of the time, and I'm starting to not care quite as much if some people don't like me (all the time, at least).

I realize that everyone has some doubts. I know that I probably won't fully ever get away from some small measure of doubt. But I know that I shouldn't be feeling quite so much doubt just because I'm trying something somewhat newish. I should do better at trusting that I know what I'm doing.

I'm trying to work on that.

Quiet

I've been quiet again lately.

It's been less about not having anything to say and more about not wanting to whine and complain. I don't like it when I start complaining about stuff.

I'm doing good, overall. My emotions are much calmer. There's less of a roller coaster feeling to my life right now.

I'm just feeling quiet.

Maybe a little quiet sometimes is a good thing.

6 and 1/2 Weeks

The past 7 weeks, I've been wondering if maybe I was pregnant. 4 negative pregnancy tests said that I probably wasn't, but there were other signs that said I might be.

Monday, I started my period. At least, as far as I know it was just my period. Almost 7 weeks late.

I spent some time Monday mourning the loss of the potential. Yesterday, I tried to focus on other things.

I have some peace about everything, but my emotions are still a bit tender. I'm not happy that I spent those weeks complaining, even if just to myself, about the changes that my body was undergoing. After waiting, believing, and hoping for so long, it seems silly to me that I was complaining about changes that I want to happen for the end result.

Ace has been wonderfully supportive of me, as he normally is. He is trying to help keep me from dwelling on anything negative and laughing at funny stuff. He's my own personal hero.

A Sign of Things to Come?

We've had 2 days this month where the highs were in the 80s. In August. In Oklahoma. (Okay, so there was rain involved on both days, but still!)

Hopefully that's a good sign that summer is starting to fade out and fall will soon be here.

Emotional Roller Coaster

Lately I've been noticing a tendency towards feeling grumpy about anything that I find mildly annoying. It's annoying to find stuff annoying.

I know that a big part of all of the annoyance is hormones. I also know that it's just that I'm not used to being so tired or having to pee so often. It's random minor aches and pains that just irritate me and make everything else seem so much more difficult than it really is.

And when I'm not grouchy, I'm probably listening to songs that have me mentally tearing up. And those songs are exactly the ones my brain tells me I want to listen to right now. Why do I want to watch something that will make me all sappy?

On the plus side, Ace keeps pulling me out of my emotional funks and cheers me up. He makes me laugh and think of things I'm grateful for. He tells me to get over my grumpiness, and in a manner that doesn't leave me wanting to hit him (much).

So, I'm currently on an emotional roller coaster. It's a good thing I've got someone to help me reign all these emotions in.

There Is a Problem

Before I get into the post proper, allow me to proclaim that I am a Christian and that half of what I'm typing is probably being typed to me as well as anybody else. I'll admit that I am not perfect, in fact I'm probably pretty far from perfect. But, I feel like this is something that needs to be said.

Christians of the world, we have a problem. And until we get it straightened out, Jesus won't reach some of the people he should.

Before you get all up in arms, I know there is probably more than one problem in the body of Christ. But I'm focusing on this one, because it is the one that is on my mind. What problem is this? Let me tell you.

Christians are being too judgmental. The whole thing reminds me of the supposed Mommy Wars online. If we have even the slightest differences in belief from each other, then we seem to feel it's alright to judge. If I show up at church in a dress that's tighter than you would like, or worse in jeans, then I know that most places I'll be judged. My worth as a person is judged based on superficial things.

We seem to feel that as one of God's saved, we can sit in judgment over others. I find it frustrating, because I clearly remember red letters saying "Judge not that ye be not judged." (Matt. 7:1, KJV) We've been told not to judge by Jesus, the person we've decided to model our lives after. He even tells us why, we'll be judged by the same standards we judge with.

What sinner wants to face a group of people who are already judging them? What sinner wants to believe in a God waiting to condemn them for any and all wrongs they make? What Christian wants that either?

This is, in my opinion, a big problem among Christians. It seems to be a big part of the reason that some churches are dying off. I'm not trying to say that we, as Christians, need to tolerate any and all behavior from others. I'm just trying to encourage us all to look past the sin and love the sinner. God made this person too. They are probably hurting inside. Let's help them find the love of God to make them whole. And we need to start by showing each other love. Just because someone believes in Jesus, that doesn't mean that they aren't hurting too.

Christians of the world, let's start following after Jesus. Let's turn our image back to one of people who happily help serve others, no matter their faith. Let's bring God's love to the world.

Introverted and Shy

Ace and I did some reading not too long ago about the differences between introverts and extroverts. We found ourselves nodding along with how introverts want extroverts to treat them, seeing lots of ourselves in the articles we were reading.

One of my big problems is that in addition to being introverted, I am also shy sometimes. And my shyness has manifested at some really odd times. As we read through information about introverts, it was interesting to see where the differences between introversion and shyness were.

My preference for talking with people one-on-one is part of my introversion. My dislike of being the center of attention for groups is part of my introversion and part of my shyness both. My lack of a desire to speak to people who I know care about me because I feel like I might disappoint someone is part my shyness.

The articles were aimed at trying to explain introverts to extroverts. Unfortunately, most extroverts don't ever understand that introverts aren't broken. We don't feel energized by parties or group settings. We can handle them, but we want to leave long before extroverts do. We LIKE being alone, it gives us time to think. We don't like listening to an extrovert spew every thought that pops into their heads right out of their mouths. We wonder where their filter is.

This is a problem for most extroverts. They don't understand this. It is so foreign to their way of thinking that they don't try to comprehend it. It leads to frustrated introverts who feel like they're wishes are ignored. It leads to introverts faking a smile to get through a social engagement that feels never ending. It leads to introverts who are exhausted. It also leads to people feeling like they aren't supported because they have different needs than the extroverts who surround them and those needs aren't being met.

It's a communication problem that Ace and I hope to not have with our kids. We want them to be able to be reasonably able to effectively communicate with those around them. If any of our kids are extroverts, and we recognize the possibility of that happening, we want to instill an understanding that introverts have different needs from extroverts at times.

Hopefully, the shyness won't really be a factor for our kids. Because shyness sucks.

A Welcome Relief

Tulsa has been having rain. It's been wonderful, as we've finally had a few days where the weather stayed below 100 degrees. I'm not fully sure how much longer the rain will stay, but I am thankful for it while it is here.

I'm ready for the weather to start changing for the fall. I'd rather not be stuck here during the day because of the heat. I miss getting out of the house while the sun is shining.

The fans have been getting a break, because of the cooler weather. It's been a welcome relief during such a hot summer.

Now if only the heat were the only thing causing problems with my stomach. (Thank you antacids for helping with me feel closer to normal.)

In Her Natural Habitat

Today, we are going to be looking at M.A. Smith in her natural habitat. It appears to be a regular house. She goes about her day, reading on the internet, eating occasionally, and trying to convince her husband that they should go somewhere to get her out of the house.

Oh, it's a special look at the half-asleep house-wife. She's walking to the bathroom with her eyes half closed. Someone calls out a "Hi" and let's see how she responds.

*Grunt*

I guess M.A. Smith isn't too responsive while half-asleep. Let's give her a few more hours of sleep before we try to find out more about her.

Next up: NOVA.

Goose Bumps

Ace and I went to Target this morning and bought two fans for our room. We also bought a clock that measures the temperature of the room it's in (we are wondering how warm the room gets).

The clock is saying that it's 86 in here. That explains why I've been so hot.

With the fan that I have blowing on me, I'm actually feeling somewhat chilly. I've got goose bumps.

I've forgotten how nice it is to be cold in the summer. It's nice to wonder if I should put on another layer, or just stay a little chilly.

This room may be staying 86 degrees, but I've got goose bumps. And that thrills me to no end.

Heat Wave

It's ridiculously hot this summer. 26 of the days in July were over 100 degrees. This is not a pleasant time to live without a practically brand new a/c.

Because of the heat, I'm currently staying home for the most part when the sun is up. I have been going with Ace to prayer night this summer, but that is preempted by not feeling so hot.

The heat is starting to affect my sleep too. I'm getting too hot to easily fall asleep, which leads to me being grouchy from being tired. The heat is also making me grouchy. My head is not a fun place to be right now.

Add to that very sensitive breasts, feeling like my shorts are too snug, and having to be alone with my in-laws, I'm not a happy camper. I'm doing my best to just relax and take it easy. My body is not really helping with that.

Please tell me it won't be long until it starts cooling down again.

Another Day, Same Content

A while back, in May, there was work done on the garage. Since then, things haven't fully been put to right in the garage. This is seriously bugging my father-in-law, because he wants my mother-in-law's car in the garage.

My mother-in-law, who doesn't like to toss anything she thinks she might use, is SLOWLY putting things where she wants them. My father-in-law keeps wanting Ace to just put things up on the shelves that were built to get everything out of the way but my mother-in-law wants things organized her way.

Earlier, Ace put some stuff on the shelves, trying to show his father that he is doing something to get the car in the garage. His mother is upset, because this is messing up her arrangement, I think.

This is an argument that isn't going anywhere, and probably never will. At some point, either she's going to get everything organized out there, or she'll give up and everything will just be put up in a jumbled mess.

Either way, I don't care. I'm just ready for the argument to end. And as tempting as tossing all the stuff is, I don't want to hear the flack we would get for doing that.

Can someone send some help before a hormonal woman goes on a rampage of destruction?

Slightly Longer Short Update

Still waiting. Haven't taken another pregnancy test yet, but I probably will soon.

The heat is insane and not helping me feel like doing anything. My in-laws need a new a/c unit, because the one they have obviously wasn't meant to deal with this many over 100 degrees days in a row (that sentence seems awkward, grammatically).

I'm still easily distracted by things and wondering why I decided to learn to knit during the hottest summer I can recall (also, not doing much knitting right now).

Basically, the heat/pregnancy/whatever is sapping my desire to do much more than lay around and watch tv/movies or read on the internet. And it's making me crankier than normal too. How much longer until fall weather?

P.S.: I'm somewhat wordy right now, but not in the mood to talk, which doesn't help the situation.

Short Update

My period is over 2 weeks late.

I've taken two different pregnancy tests. They've both come up not pregnant.

I've got some symptoms that indicate pregnancy, but they could be something else too (I guess).

All this waiting and wondering is making me grouchier to live with. I'm keeping most of my grouchy complaining to myself, but it's annoying me.

I'm ready for some cooler weather.

Sillyness and Other Things

Ace recently asked me the silliest question ever: "Would you be upset if I got up and offered you chocolate?" Why would I be upset about getting chocolate? He did admit that it was a silly question.

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In other news, my period still hasn't shown up. I did take a pregnancy test that came up negative, but I'm not sure how accurate it might have been.

Also, today I took a nap, because I was going to fall asleep whether I wanted to or not.

Don't quite know what to make of everything right now.

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My in-laws have had one of their vehicles in the shop since Monday (I know, it's only been 2 days, but it's fairly inconvenient for us). Hopefully tomorrow they will have all the cars back here again. I'm getting a bit stir crazy and the only vehicle we currently have available has no working a/c, hurts Ace when he tries to drive it, is hard to get into, and we both hate. So, we are stuck here.

On the plus side, the in-laws are currently planning to be out of town Friday night/most of the day Saturday. Ace and I are talking about ordering a pizza to celebrate our chance to be alone.

Socially Awkward

I have come to the conclusion lately that my inner crotchety old person comes out when it comes to social networking. It's not that I'm a hermit, it's just that I prefer more hermit like living in general.

This spills over from internet into real life too. I have friends, good ones, but few that I feel I can tell just anything to. Mostly because most of my friends don't have the time to devote to talking with me on a large variety of subjects and connecting solidly with me to get me to the point where I feel like I've effectively built a close relationship. It's not their fault that my brain declares me to be a time-intensive person to have a close relationship, I totally understand them feeling that other things in their lives are more important, because they are. It doesn't mean that the relationships are lacking closeness, it just means there are topics that I don't discuss with them (always politics, religion and/or sex, depending on the friend).

That is really the only part that spills over from social networking sites. For the most part, I find that I'm fairly sure that I couldn't effectively communicate most of the time in only 140 characters. I find that when I do update my FaceBook status, it's usually with something silly and inane that means nothing in the long run. I am always forgetting to take my camera with me when I go to see people, so I don't have a lot of pictures.

It's not that I'm against social networking. I just don't see it as something that is important for me. I'd prefer an e-mail from my extended family. I'd rather take the time to go visit my dad and have a real conversation. I'd rather not obsess over which one(s) of my cousins is pregnant. Social networking may keep me more plugged into what's happening with my family, but there are some things I'd rather not know.

So, the crotchety old lady in me keeps waving her cane at the social networking sites and yelling for them to get off her lawn. She's connected enough, thank you.

Late

I'm back in that vague waiting state. My period is late, but I'm resisting testing to see if my period is just late or if I'm pregnant.

This delay has been coupled with feeling more tired than usual, although that could be blamed on the heat.

I'm late, but I'm waiting.

Distracted

I haven't forgotten about this place, I've just been distracted with other stuff lately. Ace and I have been playing lots of World of Warcraft. And I've been distracted with other computer games too.

I've finally done something to learn how to knit (after saying something a LONG time ago about learning to knit). I bought a starting kit at Wal-mart on Tuesday. I'm not sure how well I'll learn to knit just based on the book in the kit, but there are YouTube videos about knitting if I need the help.

So, pardon the dust around here, I've been distracted lately. It may stay a bit dusty around here for a little while I learn to knit. But I'll try to come back by and post somewhat more regularly.

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

For my book, I've had to look up info on stalking. The whole thing sounds horrific from a victim's standpoint. It's good on one hand, because it'll be able to make my main character more believable in her fear.

However, it's taught me things I wish I didn't know. Things about how often women report stalking behavior. Things that a huge part of me will never be able to forget. It'll add things to my book, it'll make my book more real, it'll potentially give me nightmares.

I wish stalking wasn't a problem. That people didn't obsess or took no for an answer. That everyone who's been stalked would be able to feel safe as soon as they can get away from their stalker. I wish stalking was something that never happened.

So, yeah. That's where I'm at right now.

Plotting a Plot

I took some time off to start feeling better emotionally again. I know why my emotions were raw and why I was fighting off depression, but it wasn't anything worthy of a post. It was just stuff with my in-laws still bothering me.

Instead of focusing on that, I'm going to focus on my book. Lately, I haven't been writing on it, but I have been fleshing out my characters more and adding parts to my plot. The only problem with that is that all this work has been done when I've been away from my computer, so all my notes are slightly scattered and need to be gathered together.

But I'm starting to get a much fuller idea as to who at least some of my characters are and what happened in their pasts, which helps to determine what they'll do now. I still need to work on a few other characters, to round them out more. They need more dimensions than 2. My bad guy is still fairly flat. He needs some depth. Even if I never explain his background, I need to know some of it.

But I'm happy that my plot is coming along. I'm okay with not working on the actual book portion right this second, since I'm still working on the book. It's funny, because I already know the main plot of this book, but the details are starting to come together. I already know that one of my characters is clamoring for her own story to be told. And I know, roughly, what I want that story to be. Once upon a time, I never dreamed that I'd be writing a book, let alone that book having a sequel. But here I am, plotting them out, working on telling these stories.

And maybe someday soon, I'll be writing this book out, instead of trying to get all the details and such organized. Won't that be a wonderful day!

Describing My Feelings

Yesterday, I tried to describe to Ace. We were on our way to prayer night and I was trying to explain why I wasn't working on my novel, after finally finding my way past some major writer's block.

It's slightly difficult to describe feelings. Especially ones that are painful. I told him that I didn't understand people who cut themselves to stop feeling emotional pain for a while. My emotional pain feels physically painful. And I dislike physical pain, why would I cause myself pain? I will admit to having hurt others emotionally while I was hurting. I know that I was trying to lash out, even when they were offering sympathy and comfort. Sometimes the pain seems too hard to see past in the moment.

I've been fighting off depression. I know, in my head, that someday I should talk to someone about this depression. I should find out if there is a chemical imbalance, or if it's just my own cycle of negative thoughts that bring me to these dark places. But right now, it's not the right time. Financially, it's the totally wrong time. And the negativity of the people we are living with isn't helping.

I wish I could adequately describe how depression feels for me. The English language doesn't seem to have the right words. And it's never that the simple, basic things are any physically harder to do then, but they FEEL like they take all this effort. I FEEL like I have no energy. While I have the energy to feed myself if you set food in front of me, I don't FEEL like I have the energy to get up to make food for myself, until I am extremely hungry. Getting up and moving, while not physically painful, is painful. Anyone making any kind of request of me during that time seems to be asking me to move mountains for them (not literally, obviously).

Most of that last paragraph, that's the closest I can come to describing how things are when I'm depressed. Part of me wonders why I should do anything, when it's all so difficult to do and feels painful to boot. Ace, in his own wonderful way, helps me pull myself out of that funk. He understands, at least as much as he can, that I am trying. He refuses to just let me wallow in my head until I finally find my way clear. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure where I'd be.

If anyone knows of any better descriptions of how depression feels, let me know.

As I Lay Trying to Sleep

Saturday night, as I was trying to get some sleep, I finally figured out some key things for my novel (the one I'm supposed to be writing, but hadn't been able to in a long time). I finally felt like I broke through some block that was keeping me from writing.

I wish I could say that thoughts coming to me as I'm trying to sleep was new, but it's not. My brain could be half asleep and I could be drifting off to sleep until my head hits the pillow and then my brain decides it's time to wake up. And often it's the time when I have amazing insights into things.

And all of that would be great, except... Except that I'm supposed to be going to sleep. And those insights, they wake me up more. My brain starts making more connections to things, and figuring more things out and I feel the urge to get up and make notes about whatever it is that is going through my head. Then I feel tired the next day, because I didn't get enough sleep, because I had this stuff in my head that "needed" to be dealt with right then.

On the plus side, I have a place to start working on my book again. I can be creative. Hopefully, the book will content itself to my waking hours and let me sleep when I'm trying to sleep. Hopefully my characters won't start demanding more of my bedtime.

And those are the kinds of things that happen as I lay trying to sleep.

Happy Father's Day!

The other night, I was trying to think of something to write about my dad. I was supposed to be going to sleep, but it seemed important to figure out some way to celebrate my dad on Father's Day, since I wasn't going to get to see him on the day this year.

Then, I remembered how he entertained me while we went grocery shopping when I was younger. He'd tease me in several ways. He'd pretend he was going to bump into all the posts holding up the roof, but that it was my fault because I was in the driver's seat (I kept pointing out that I was just riding, he was steering, but it just kept happening). He would pretend that I was going to be supper (not that I really believed him). He'd scratch my head and tell me that puppies liked to be scratched behind their ears (and that he was just stating a fact when I pointed out that I wasn't a puppy).

I'm fairly certain that half of the purpose of entertaining/teasing me was to entertain and tease himself, but it did keep grocery shopping from being completely dull. I don't remember half the stuff my mom put in the cart or most of the meals she made, but I remember him teasing/entertaining me throughout the grocery store. It takes a special kind of person not to care if someone was going to look at you like you're crazy just to keep your child entertained. And, as much as I feel silly admitting it, I miss that stuff. It was silly and probably annoyed me quite a bit as a child, but it was the kind of thing that started the wonderful relationship we have now.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy! The next time I go grocery shopping, I think of you.

Less Broken

Ace and I were talking recently and I talked about how I don't feel quite the same person as I was when we got married.

Shortly after Ace and I got married, I went through a faze of trying to fix myself emotionally. I read a lot of self-help books and tried to undo some of the damage my mother had done. After a while (roughly a year), I realized two things: 1. I couldn't fix the broken parts of my relationship with my mom. and 2. I wasn't going to be able to fix the parts of me that the relationship with my mom had broken.

After I stopped talking with my mom, things sort of started to get better. I had a few bumps of wondering what was wrong with me that my mother couldn't seem to love before realizing that it had nothing to do with me, but I would imagine that's part of the healing process.

I realized that I don't feel nearly as broken as I used to. I've had a few other, unrelated things that made me feel broken, but my emotions seem to have done quite a bit of healing. It seems that while I've been busy living my life and trusting God to heal my emotional wounds, they've been healed.

I don't know when I'll be fully fixed. I know that I'll always have some emotional scars. I have been changed by my experiences. Some of the pieces may not fit as well as they should. But I am closer to whole than I've been in a long time. And I'm certain, in the end, I'll be whole again.

Whirling Thoughts

One of my cousins just announced her pregnancy earlier. I, not being that close to her, didn't know until I read her post. I'm not quite sure how I feel.

This is a cousin who routinely makes me think about how ready I am to have kids because she is still finding it hard to adjust to having children (2 already, 1 on the way). I'm not sure why she and I are on such different wavelengths with regards to being a parent, but we obviously are.

This was a surprise pregnancy for her. She wasn't planning on having any more children right now. I'm trying not to think of how long Ace and I have been trying and how many months I've been disappointed to see my period show up. I am holding on to most of my thoughts to sort through them and discard the unuseful ones later. I am not talking about how my emotions are mixed, because I seriously take issue with myself for having mixed emotions.

One of my cousins is pregnant. I am on the tail end of one of the shortest periods I've ever had. I'm not sure all the hormones are gone yet.

My cousin is pregnant. She's due in January. And the only full thought that keeps ringing through my head is "My cousin is pregnant."

God is Faithful

Despite the feeling that the second half of May was stormy and frustrating, I never did get caught up in the undertow and dragged down into depression. For that, I am truly thankful. I did feel, towards the end of the day on the 31st, that I had nothing left to give to anyone because people kept making demands of me, but I wasn't depressed. I was just tired.

It's been just over a week since then. I'm feeling better, now that I've had some time away from demands. I feel a bit more like myself. I'm still looking out for the undertow, because I remember how quickly it can drag me to places I don't want to be. I'm trying to find my peacefulness again.

Yesterday, Ace and I went to pray for a local ministry. While we were there, we got to fellowship with a fellow Christian. She gave us some money for a dinner out to celebrate Ace's birthday. She helped us see the brightness of our future instead of focusing on our current circumstances. She blessed us far more than she will ever know. And she kept telling us that we were blessing her too. She found it hard to believe that we are coming up on our 8th anniversary, because we are still so obviously in love.

Things like that are what help strengthen my relationship with God. Every time I think I've reached a breaking point, I find a new measure of strength. Every time I need encouragement the most, someone is there to encourage me. When I need hope the most, some how hope finds me. Every time I wonder if some part of my story is going to have a sad ending, I find that the end hasn't come yet.

I understand how having something that hurts you to the core, shakes everything you thought you believed, can pull you away from God. I understand how losing something you had been praying for, waiting for, hoping for can make you mad and hurt and not ready to be friendly with God. But I also understand how, when the time is done and you find out more of the story, God's mercy and love can be seen shining through.

Every time something tragic and painful has happened to me, I found that after it was over, my faith had grown stronger. Every time, I found out something that showed me how God was looking out for me. No matter how much the emotional storms are raging, God always finds a way to give me the compassion and love that I so desperately need to find my way through to the end. And every time I start feeling like giving up, I only need to remember the good things, no matter how small, that have happened in the past to find the strength to carry on.

I know what it is to hurt. I know what it is to face loss. I know what it means to be broke and hungry. And all of those things have made me a stronger person. I have found that my God is bigger than my circumstances. He loves me. He never lets me walk alone. And during all those times, He has helped me find peace.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Phil. 4:13 KJV

Rehashing Old Ground

Ace and I have spent time this past week rehashing the "discussion" he had with my in-laws. Today, I think we found some of the main reasons we are so frustrated with this whole situation. But that's not what I want to talk about (again).

I'm wondering why Ace and I keep talking about this kind of stuff. Is it that we are trying to find logic? Are we trying to figure out how this isn't all our fault? Why do we keep circling the same topics, topics that my in-laws are the ones to bring up in the first place?

I have no answers for my questions. I know that part of us is looking for logic, but that part will keep coming up short (there is precious little logic in most of my in-laws' decisions). How do these people keep stirring up things that keep chasing our figurative tails around in circles of conversation?

It's not the first time I've noticed that Ace and I have conversations that keep circling back to one main topic, but it has been fairly frustrating this time around. Every time we seem to start moving on, one of us (okay, usually me) realizes something new about that whole "discussion" and it's the topic of the hour again. I think my brain is chasing something and it won't quite leave the insanity alone until it's found what it is chasing or loses it completely.

At least this time we aren't rehashing stuff my mom did in the past. I'm pretty sure Ace is glad to hear about someone else for a change.

Other than that, life is much better.

Moving Forward

I survived May 2011. This is probably a bigger deal in my head than in real life, since the month of May isn't really out to get me. But this year, it felt like it was trying since May was so stressful.

Yesterday, we cleaned out our car and sold it to be scrapped. The guy who we sold it to had promised us one amount and then when we got there (with the title) he would only give us a different, lesser amount. It was stupid and frustrating.

After the way everything had been going, I cried a bit. I fought crying, but it happened anyway. Then I spent the evening doing nothing in particular except relaxing (the plans Ace and I thought we had weren't happening, so I could just relax without it being a problem). I declared my night anti-social and shut out the world from our room. I took the night off and spent it focusing on me. Today, Ace let me spend the day mostly focusing on relaxing and getting rid of residual stress.

But, now that I'm closer to feeling like myself again, it's time to move forward. It's time to focus on June and the potential it has. It's, hopefully, just about time to get a newer vehicle and soon after move out of my in-laws' house (they gave Ace a potential lead on a job that will pay enough for us to get out fairly soon). It's time to remember Ace's birthday and our anniversary. It's time to move forward with our lives and not dwell in the past.

Perception

My in-laws and Ace are having a "discussion". Sitting here, listening in, it's starting to make me mad. Because my in-laws aren't listening to Ace about the fact that they need to try to look at some things from our perspective too.

They are pissed that I, personally, am not doing things they see to help out, so I must not do anything around here. They assume that I'm wanting things done for me (not really, I just don't want to get in the way). They aren't listening to Ace telling them that every time they ask him to do something they sound like he needs to do it right away.

There is clearly a communication issue going on here. Everyone is trying to talk, but not everyone seems to be actually listening to what is being said (Ace's parents). I have always believed that the purpose of a conversation or a discussion is to actually communicate with others. If I were to go by the "discussions" that Ace has with his parents (that always last hours longer than they really need to), discussions and conversations are just there to vent your feelings and demand someone see things from your point of view while refusing to do the same.

One of the few more positive results that came out of this whole thing is that Ace and I will be responsible for our own meals most nights. This means we can eat when we get hungry instead of waiting for my mother-in-law to cook. It should help stop me from feeling hungry for quite so long in the evenings.

Ace is hoping that we can get out of here as fast as possible. It's quickly becoming obvious that everyone is miserable in this house. My father-in-law flat out stated (practically yelled) that he will never apologize for hurting my feelings while teasing me. I shouldn't have such thin skin, at least to my in-laws' way of thinking. I don't understand why hurting my feelings is less deserving of an apology than if he physically hurt me (or even just bumped into me). I am also supposedly less of a good Christian because I was still upset and hurt two days after the event (good Christians are apparently never show non-Christian traits because they are still hurt).

Ace is frustrated because he has specifically tried to get me to not push through the pain to finish some project because he knows I'll hurt for several days and not be able to do anything. His parents seem to think that I'm acting stuck up and high-and-mighty because I'm trying to do what my husband wants me to do. I think I'm in a no-win situation as long as we stay here. And it frustrates me, because you would think my mother-in-law would understand trying not to do too much, since she has pain everyday. Of course, she keeps pushing through until she can't do stuff any more, so I guess that should teach me a lesson (forget that if I did, I wouldn't be able to do anything productive for several days because of the pain).

I know that I'm whining here again. I hate that. I should be typing something about how much all our military impresses me and how much I appreciate each and every family that has someone (or more than one someone) serving. I do appreciate these people. They impress me. I'm not sure how I would handle Ace being gone for so long, other than, I guess, the same way the military families do it. Call and e-mail as much as you can, miss your loved one, keep living day to day life. I don't know if my character would fully be strong enough to handle that. The people who do deserve love and compassion. The people serving deserve love and compassion too. They, too, are away from their loved ones. They don't know for sure when, or if, they will be back home again.

I'm trying to put things in the right perspective. My in-laws make that hard to do.

Info Dump

Last night, I was needing some love and support (and a nice long discussion) with Ace. I couldn't quite figure out how to say the words, but I felt a desire to get his attention by throwing a book at his head (not a very productive way to get attention, and not good for the book either). While I resisted this urge, I did end up getting some time with Ace.

We're noticing a pattern. Living with my in-laws, it starts becoming easier to live as roommates than to try to live as a couple. We don't get much time alone, and his parents have the worst timing for wanting Ace to do something if we try to have a conversation or just spend some time hanging out. It's like there's a light somewhere that goes on when Ace starts having fun and they've decided they don't want that light to stay lit.

Unfortunately, Ace can't really fully handle supporting me emotionally while doing everything his parents want him to do physically. It ends up leaving him with no time left for himself and his relaxation. It frustrates me, because his parents seem to get needier right at the moments I'm getting close to the end of my emotional rope and really need some love and support.

I'm trying to find a balance right now. One that doesn't require Ace to give me quite as much emotional support, but one that also doesn't leave me thinking of heaving books (or other things) at people. That would be easier if we weren't currently having transportation problems.

Right now, my in-laws seem to be walking on eggshells towards me. Or rather, my mother-in-law is. My father-in-law seems to be trying to ignore me. Not too long ago, I finally felt frustrated enough to tell them that I was still upset about something my father-in-law had said and that I wanted an apology. I don't think he feels he has anything to apologize for, so he's avoiding it (and me) until who knows when. My mother-in-law just doesn't want me slamming doors again, I think. It was the first time either one of them has seen that I have a temper (I keep my temper in check fairly well, and I am fairly slow to anger). While they seem to speak more while angry, I shut my mouth when I get angry. In fact, the few words I said to show my anger was the most I've normally said while angry. I think my anger has thrown them for a loop.

I'm going to go try to focus on something positive for a while. Because that will help me find a bit more balance.