I am starting to be able to tell which bathrooms had a woman's help in planning them and which a woman was only consulted to make sure nothing was missing.
To explain, there have been multiple bathrooms I've been in where the trash can for feminine hygiene products was behind the head of the person going to the bathroom. Until today, I didn't use one while on my period. Not that it's stopped me from thinking it was a dumb design before today. Today, it just made me want to scream. Because what woman, while dealing with cramps, wants to have to figure out how to avoid blood dripping off a tampon and onto her clothes?
Whoever designed that bathroom clearly was just trying to cram as many stalls in, and had to have someone (probably a woman) point out that they were missing something from the stalls. With no extra space on the walls (except next to the toilet paper, which would have made more sense), they put it the only place they thought made sense. Behind the woman's head/shoulders.
Yes, I am feeling disgruntled about it. After last month, where my body decided to play with what it was doing, it has decided to bleed like a stuck pig this month. Meaning I've had my period for less than 7 hours and have already had to change my tampon twice. There is a reason I'm eating a king size bag of M&Ms and following it up with a regular sized bag.
So, whoever is designing stalls for women's bathrooms, I implore you. Do not make a woman suffer more when she is on her period. Especially if she lives in a truck. Her life is already hard enough. Make the bathroom as pleasant an experience as you can.
And now I'll go back to eating my chocolate. Because chocolate understands me today. And it thinks my jeans are evil too (Ace claims pants aren't evil, but he doesn't have cramps).
Monday, May 13, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
I'm Hiding Today
Today is one of those days I have mixed emotions about. Most of them have to do with hiding from anything proclaiming anything about Mother's Day and waiting it out until tomorrow, when I'm safe from all the commotion for until next year.
It's also my mother's birthday today. This only complicates my feelings for today.
On the plus side, Ace is wonderful. He is fine with me ignoring that it's Mother's Day. He's fine with buying me chocolate/sweets/whatever and letting me hide away from the world. He understands why I flinch, mentally, at the reminders.
I hope that if you are a mother, you have a wonderful day. Don't let my issues with the day ruin your day. Celebrate. Take a day off or spend it with your children or celebrate however you want.
As for me, I think I'll spend part of the day eating the Swedish Fish Ace bought for me. He really is the best husband ever.
And hiding. Because avoiding the reminders is better than flinching all day.
It's also my mother's birthday today. This only complicates my feelings for today.
On the plus side, Ace is wonderful. He is fine with me ignoring that it's Mother's Day. He's fine with buying me chocolate/sweets/whatever and letting me hide away from the world. He understands why I flinch, mentally, at the reminders.
I hope that if you are a mother, you have a wonderful day. Don't let my issues with the day ruin your day. Celebrate. Take a day off or spend it with your children or celebrate however you want.
As for me, I think I'll spend part of the day eating the Swedish Fish Ace bought for me. He really is the best husband ever.
And hiding. Because avoiding the reminders is better than flinching all day.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Depression Sucks Enough On Its Own
Lately, I've seen a few things about depression online and they've got me thinking. The talented Allie of Hyperbole and a Half wrote about her long, staggering bout of depression that she's still getting over. And I'm glad she is.
On Tumblr, I read about people who are being treated as not in need of help because while they are depressed, they don't self harm.
And I find that to be hurtful. Just because I don't wear physical scars does not mean that I've not got scars on my mind. Depression is not something to ignore just because I don't react the way that someone else expects me to.
I imagine that everyone who suffers from depression long term comes to a point where they want to give up. I did. It was difficult to just keep doing the very little that I was doing. And the only thing that provided me with hope each week was prayer night (praying for a local ministry). The only reason I didn't end up just laying in bed for about a month straight (other than trips to the bathroom) was because of prayer night.
But I didn't hurt myself. The worst I did was not eat enough. I ended up losing 15 pounds because of it.
I spent days laying in bed, watching tv, not caring about anything. I had no passion. And the only times I felt normal were times Ace was home from driving.
I needed help. I needed someone to know that I needed help and to get it for me, because I wasn't comfortable asking for it.
I hate to think that if someone had gotten me the help I desperately needed (and wanted) that I would have been turned away because I wasn't harming myself. I hate to think that we don't take depression seriously as a problem unless someone is harming themselves or considering suicide. I hate to think that we are hurting people that are already hurting because we don't believe them when they say that want help because they aren't doing what we expect them to.
We need to remember that people have emotional and mental scars too. That not all scars are physical. That someone can be hurting or numb and need help without any outward signs.
I am glad Allie got help. I wish I had gotten help. I'm thankful for the people who reminded me of my blessings when I couldn't see them (by asking what was going on in my life). And I hope that we can help people more often when they are hurting this way.
On Tumblr, I read about people who are being treated as not in need of help because while they are depressed, they don't self harm.
And I find that to be hurtful. Just because I don't wear physical scars does not mean that I've not got scars on my mind. Depression is not something to ignore just because I don't react the way that someone else expects me to.
I imagine that everyone who suffers from depression long term comes to a point where they want to give up. I did. It was difficult to just keep doing the very little that I was doing. And the only thing that provided me with hope each week was prayer night (praying for a local ministry). The only reason I didn't end up just laying in bed for about a month straight (other than trips to the bathroom) was because of prayer night.
But I didn't hurt myself. The worst I did was not eat enough. I ended up losing 15 pounds because of it.
I spent days laying in bed, watching tv, not caring about anything. I had no passion. And the only times I felt normal were times Ace was home from driving.
I needed help. I needed someone to know that I needed help and to get it for me, because I wasn't comfortable asking for it.
I hate to think that if someone had gotten me the help I desperately needed (and wanted) that I would have been turned away because I wasn't harming myself. I hate to think that we don't take depression seriously as a problem unless someone is harming themselves or considering suicide. I hate to think that we are hurting people that are already hurting because we don't believe them when they say that want help because they aren't doing what we expect them to.
We need to remember that people have emotional and mental scars too. That not all scars are physical. That someone can be hurting or numb and need help without any outward signs.
I am glad Allie got help. I wish I had gotten help. I'm thankful for the people who reminded me of my blessings when I couldn't see them (by asking what was going on in my life). And I hope that we can help people more often when they are hurting this way.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Harry Potter Post 3
We have now made it through the first three Harry Potter books. We're in the middle of watching the 6th movie (we were watching it, but then had to stop to drive for several hours, so we'll finish it later). And we're both really interested in what is going to happen.
I did have to look up Luna Lovegood to see if she lives, because I like the character, but didn't want to commit to loving her if she was just going to break my heart by dying. I've been hurt by fictional characters enough. But she lives, so it's all good. I can love my fellow random person.
I am now trying to figure out why Professor Slughorn's name is so familiar, without looking it up. It's kind of annoying me. (And I'm probably going to look it up here in a moment.)
As I told Ace last night, the magic will never end, because we (or I) can always reread the books or re-watch the movies.
And I think I'm done with my random, barely coherent post. I think Luna has rubbed off more than I expected.
I did have to look up Luna Lovegood to see if she lives, because I like the character, but didn't want to commit to loving her if she was just going to break my heart by dying. I've been hurt by fictional characters enough. But she lives, so it's all good. I can love my fellow random person.
I am now trying to figure out why Professor Slughorn's name is so familiar, without looking it up. It's kind of annoying me. (And I'm probably going to look it up here in a moment.)
As I told Ace last night, the magic will never end, because we (or I) can always reread the books or re-watch the movies.
And I think I'm done with my random, barely coherent post. I think Luna has rubbed off more than I expected.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Harry Potter Mania Continues
So, Ace and I have finished book 2 (Chamber of Secrets) and are just over halfway through book 3 (Prisoner of Azkaban). And before you say, "I thought you weren't going to push so hard to finish books any more" I'd like to tell you that we finished book 1 on the 26th of April, and I've only been reading 5 chapters a day at most (I've skipped a few days). Book two is fairly short (18 chapters), so it wasn't hard to get through that quickly and book 3 is only 22 chapters, so it's not that odd that we might be over halfway through it right now.
We've watched through Goblet of Fire. We've now got all the movies (Walmart had them for a good deal, and we got all of them for $40 because we were willing to look for the last two at another Walmart because the first one didn't have those two.). And we are frustrated because while our TV works, the place it was plugged in does not. But we have laptops that will play the movies if nothing else.
I think Ace is excited about the stories. Which makes a change from 10 years ago when he asked me to not bring the books into his house (which is why I stopped reading them after book 4. So looking forward to more/new plots). And it's a nice change. He's grown as a person. And I no longer have to avoid most things with Harry Potter, which is great because it is huge in the nerdy/geeky things that we love.
Whee!
We've watched through Goblet of Fire. We've now got all the movies (Walmart had them for a good deal, and we got all of them for $40 because we were willing to look for the last two at another Walmart because the first one didn't have those two.). And we are frustrated because while our TV works, the place it was plugged in does not. But we have laptops that will play the movies if nothing else.
I think Ace is excited about the stories. Which makes a change from 10 years ago when he asked me to not bring the books into his house (which is why I stopped reading them after book 4. So looking forward to more/new plots). And it's a nice change. He's grown as a person. And I no longer have to avoid most things with Harry Potter, which is great because it is huge in the nerdy/geeky things that we love.
Whee!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Harry Potter, Part 1
Ace and I have now gotten through the first Harry Potter book (Or we did a few days ago, oops.). My throat is more sore than I'd like, because I read over half the book to him last night/this morning. Since we'd already watched the movie, it was easier for him to follow the story without getting too distracted or needing me to reread stuff to him.
Still, it was a lot to read in a few hours.
But, we will continue the same pattern with books 2-6. After that, we'll hopefully either have found the movies for book 7 or I'll just read it to myself and fill him in. Or he'll be so invested that he'll have me read it without having the movies available. Whichever.
I'm also trying to figure out if I should read him The Hobbit after this. I think he'd like it, but I'm not sure he'd want to hear it before we can see all the movies.
And I am getting way too ahead of myself.
It's good to be sharing something with Ace. And it gives us something else to talk about.
Just don't tell either of us how it ends.
Still, it was a lot to read in a few hours.
But, we will continue the same pattern with books 2-6. After that, we'll hopefully either have found the movies for book 7 or I'll just read it to myself and fill him in. Or he'll be so invested that he'll have me read it without having the movies available. Whichever.
I'm also trying to figure out if I should read him The Hobbit after this. I think he'd like it, but I'm not sure he'd want to hear it before we can see all the movies.
And I am getting way too ahead of myself.
It's good to be sharing something with Ace. And it gives us something else to talk about.
Just don't tell either of us how it ends.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Why I'd Prefer It If My Children Didn't Read Twilight
Let me preface this by saying that I've not read the Twilight series. I've read enough about it from people who have read it to know that I'd probably prefer to keep it that way. And most of it is not the story line (although I have my issues with that), it's because of the writing. Yes, I've read enough descriptions of the writing to know that I'd prefer to avoid the writing (ones that gave examples from the books).
I'd prefer it if my children don't read Twilight though. And part of it is the story line. I'd prefer my children not think that the characters in the story are good role models. I'd prefer they don't think that it's okay to break and enter to watch someone sleep or to get depressed because someone breaks up with you (for your own good, in their opinion) and then start pulling stupid, suicidal stunts. And hopefully, even if they do read the books (because I won't stop them, even if I discourage it), I will have taught them enough to realize why they should look to other sources for good role models.
I'd prefer, honestly, that my children are inspired by someone like Hermoine Granger (with less rule breaking, preferably) or River Tam, or River Song for that matter. Someone who found love, but was strong even without that. Someone who had a fully developed personality. Someone who shows that doing the right thing is more important than some teenage relationship.
I want my children to read freely, from lots of sources. I plan on reading lots of books, lots of different types of books, to them when they are young. I hope to cultivate a lifetime love of reading. I don't want them to see books as my husband does; non-fiction preferred to fiction, movies preferred to books. Not because there is something wrong with non-fiction or movies, but because there are wonderful worlds out there in fiction.
I'd rather they keep an open mind.
I'd prefer they read and re-read Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, and similar books. I'd prefer that if they are interested in vampire fiction, they go for Dracula or Interview with a Vampire (even if I couldn't quite finish that book).
But I won't ban Twilight. I don't really plan on banning any books, if I can help it. I plan on encouraging them to read books that others have banned. Including Harry Potter. And Fahrenheit 451. And To Kill a Mockingbird. Because there are important things in these books. Some of those things are what got them banned in the first place.
But I want my children, especially my daughters, to have strong female role models. To know that they can be awesome and strong. To know that they can change their world.
And I'm not sure Bella Swan and sparkly Edward Cullen are the way to do that.
I'd prefer it if my children don't read Twilight though. And part of it is the story line. I'd prefer my children not think that the characters in the story are good role models. I'd prefer they don't think that it's okay to break and enter to watch someone sleep or to get depressed because someone breaks up with you (for your own good, in their opinion) and then start pulling stupid, suicidal stunts. And hopefully, even if they do read the books (because I won't stop them, even if I discourage it), I will have taught them enough to realize why they should look to other sources for good role models.
I'd prefer, honestly, that my children are inspired by someone like Hermoine Granger (with less rule breaking, preferably) or River Tam, or River Song for that matter. Someone who found love, but was strong even without that. Someone who had a fully developed personality. Someone who shows that doing the right thing is more important than some teenage relationship.
I want my children to read freely, from lots of sources. I plan on reading lots of books, lots of different types of books, to them when they are young. I hope to cultivate a lifetime love of reading. I don't want them to see books as my husband does; non-fiction preferred to fiction, movies preferred to books. Not because there is something wrong with non-fiction or movies, but because there are wonderful worlds out there in fiction.
I'd rather they keep an open mind.
I'd prefer they read and re-read Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, and similar books. I'd prefer that if they are interested in vampire fiction, they go for Dracula or Interview with a Vampire (even if I couldn't quite finish that book).
But I won't ban Twilight. I don't really plan on banning any books, if I can help it. I plan on encouraging them to read books that others have banned. Including Harry Potter. And Fahrenheit 451. And To Kill a Mockingbird. Because there are important things in these books. Some of those things are what got them banned in the first place.
But I want my children, especially my daughters, to have strong female role models. To know that they can be awesome and strong. To know that they can change their world.
And I'm not sure Bella Swan and sparkly Edward Cullen are the way to do that.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Hurry Up and Wait
Once again, we are waiting for our load to be ready (it's loaded, but there is a potential quality control issue). On the plus side, we know where we are stopping at night. Unfortunately, we aren't getting the one thing that is still not right on our truck fixed until who knows when. Which sucks, because until then we are having to idle more to control the temperature in the truck.
Anyway.
In the mean time, Ace and I have bought a lot of movies lately. We bought 13 in the past 48 hours. And now, Ace is watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the first time. Ever. And I haven't seen any past the second or third (I've read the first 4 books, but stopped there. The last decade was weird for me.).
It's exciting. At least for me.
And now, back to the movie for me.
Anyway.
In the mean time, Ace and I have bought a lot of movies lately. We bought 13 in the past 48 hours. And now, Ace is watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the first time. Ever. And I haven't seen any past the second or third (I've read the first 4 books, but stopped there. The last decade was weird for me.).
It's exciting. At least for me.
And now, back to the movie for me.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Another List
It snowed in Kansas last night. Want to know how I know that for sure? We drove through it. We had turned the a/c on yesterday because we (I) got hot. I miss the warmer weather already, even though I know it will be back.
Anyway, more things I've learned on the road.
1. Sometimes things just keep happening one after another and you can't deliver on time. It sucks, but it's smarter to deliver safely than on time.
2. It's hard to stay awake when you are driving overnight because it's dark and there is nothing to see. And sometimes it's hard to go to sleep, or back to sleep, during the day because it's so light out.
3. Someone needs to come up with heated windshield wipers for trucks. Because ice accumulates there and it makes the wipers stop working as effectively. And the heater blowing on the windshield doesn't warm up the wipers enough to stop that happening.
4. Weather is fickle everywhere, not just Oklahoma. (I kind of figured this, but it's been more obvious on the road.)
5. Apparently, you can still get pulled for jury duty even when you are on the road. Hopefully I can get that issue cleared up quickly and easily (I no longer live in that county or state, and I didn't get notification until after it had passed, or I would have told them before hand. It sucks only getting your mail every few months sometimes.).
6. Some people seem to think, probably because they have never been on a truck, that a truck just stops being an issue when you climb out of it. Just because I can afford to eat wherever does not mean I can park wherever. The truck doesn't disappear just because you've gone inside.
7. Some people will ignore things just because it's inconvenient for them. This just leads to annoying phone calls. (No, we won't take some load to New York City just because you call it The Market. There is a reason it says "No New York" on Ace's file.)
8. New York City is definitely not built for a semi-truck with a 53' trailer. Also, they use a different measuring system than the rest of the country for measuring bridge heights. (A 13' 6" trailer will fit under bridges labeled 12' 2", if there is no snow packed on the ground in New York.)
9. Chicago needs to label a few more bridges. But they do a good job of labeling the ones that are 13' 10" and under.
10. Dallas' skyline looks cooler at night.
11. It's always better when the person fixing the truck has talked to the driver of the truck to know for sure what is wrong with it. Otherwise, it might not get fixed the first time.
12. It sucks when the a/c has an intermittent issue. It's worse when the APU (alternate power unit) goes out.
13. Some weeks, nothing seems to go quite right. Other weeks, everything goes your way.
14. It sucks being stuck at a hotel. Even if the company is paying you for sitting there. Even if they are paying for the hotel room. Especially when the hotel restaurant is closed on Sundays.
15. A semi-truck and trailer can block an interstate when it's tipped over. Hopefully it's not too loaded down, so it can be pulled out of the way and you can get moving again. (We passed by a tipped over truck early yesterday. After waiting about 30 minutes or so for it to be moved out of the way for traffic to pass.)
16. My husband is one of the sweetest guys I know. (He told the car that was sitting next to us that they were going to have to get into the right lane to pass when it was finally clear yesterday, and that he was going to let them get in front of us.)
17. Truckers apologize for cursing in front of me. I'm not quite sure why that is, other than I guess I look innocent. It amuses me each time it happens. (It amuses Ace more.)
18. If you are on time or early for an appointment with Walmart, they get you in and out in two hours. Because they don't want to have to pay detention pay. (Which I totally get.)
19. The worst smelling place I've been? Tyson.
20. The coolest (not temperature wise) place I've been? Hershey, PA. We drove down Chocolate Avenue. I only wished I could get pictures of stuff, but it was the wrong time of day to try to take pictures.
21. The best free stuff we've gotten? Chocolate chip cookies from a Nabisco distribution center and chocolate bars from a Hershey distribution center.
22. San Diego, CA is right on the border with Mexico. Literally, we were within a mile of the border.
23. The only thing more nerve wracking that trying to make sure we didn't accidentally go to Mexico? Trying to make sure we didn't accidentally go back to New York City.
24. The phone numbers that we get with our load assignments? Not useful for anything to do with us.
25. My husband doesn't want me visiting WebMD any more than I do.
Anyway, more things I've learned on the road.
1. Sometimes things just keep happening one after another and you can't deliver on time. It sucks, but it's smarter to deliver safely than on time.
2. It's hard to stay awake when you are driving overnight because it's dark and there is nothing to see. And sometimes it's hard to go to sleep, or back to sleep, during the day because it's so light out.
3. Someone needs to come up with heated windshield wipers for trucks. Because ice accumulates there and it makes the wipers stop working as effectively. And the heater blowing on the windshield doesn't warm up the wipers enough to stop that happening.
4. Weather is fickle everywhere, not just Oklahoma. (I kind of figured this, but it's been more obvious on the road.)
5. Apparently, you can still get pulled for jury duty even when you are on the road. Hopefully I can get that issue cleared up quickly and easily (I no longer live in that county or state, and I didn't get notification until after it had passed, or I would have told them before hand. It sucks only getting your mail every few months sometimes.).
6. Some people seem to think, probably because they have never been on a truck, that a truck just stops being an issue when you climb out of it. Just because I can afford to eat wherever does not mean I can park wherever. The truck doesn't disappear just because you've gone inside.
7. Some people will ignore things just because it's inconvenient for them. This just leads to annoying phone calls. (No, we won't take some load to New York City just because you call it The Market. There is a reason it says "No New York" on Ace's file.)
8. New York City is definitely not built for a semi-truck with a 53' trailer. Also, they use a different measuring system than the rest of the country for measuring bridge heights. (A 13' 6" trailer will fit under bridges labeled 12' 2", if there is no snow packed on the ground in New York.)
9. Chicago needs to label a few more bridges. But they do a good job of labeling the ones that are 13' 10" and under.
10. Dallas' skyline looks cooler at night.
11. It's always better when the person fixing the truck has talked to the driver of the truck to know for sure what is wrong with it. Otherwise, it might not get fixed the first time.
12. It sucks when the a/c has an intermittent issue. It's worse when the APU (alternate power unit) goes out.
13. Some weeks, nothing seems to go quite right. Other weeks, everything goes your way.
14. It sucks being stuck at a hotel. Even if the company is paying you for sitting there. Even if they are paying for the hotel room. Especially when the hotel restaurant is closed on Sundays.
15. A semi-truck and trailer can block an interstate when it's tipped over. Hopefully it's not too loaded down, so it can be pulled out of the way and you can get moving again. (We passed by a tipped over truck early yesterday. After waiting about 30 minutes or so for it to be moved out of the way for traffic to pass.)
16. My husband is one of the sweetest guys I know. (He told the car that was sitting next to us that they were going to have to get into the right lane to pass when it was finally clear yesterday, and that he was going to let them get in front of us.)
17. Truckers apologize for cursing in front of me. I'm not quite sure why that is, other than I guess I look innocent. It amuses me each time it happens. (It amuses Ace more.)
18. If you are on time or early for an appointment with Walmart, they get you in and out in two hours. Because they don't want to have to pay detention pay. (Which I totally get.)
19. The worst smelling place I've been? Tyson.
20. The coolest (not temperature wise) place I've been? Hershey, PA. We drove down Chocolate Avenue. I only wished I could get pictures of stuff, but it was the wrong time of day to try to take pictures.
21. The best free stuff we've gotten? Chocolate chip cookies from a Nabisco distribution center and chocolate bars from a Hershey distribution center.
22. San Diego, CA is right on the border with Mexico. Literally, we were within a mile of the border.
23. The only thing more nerve wracking that trying to make sure we didn't accidentally go to Mexico? Trying to make sure we didn't accidentally go back to New York City.
24. The phone numbers that we get with our load assignments? Not useful for anything to do with us.
25. My husband doesn't want me visiting WebMD any more than I do.
Monday, April 22, 2013
I Am Wordy Today
So, after ignoring the blog for most of the year so far, I am apparently wordy today. Go me?
I read a great post earlier called When Is It Time to Walk Away and it has me feeling inspired. Because it's nice to know that someone can understand, without details, that they may not have all the information about why I've made a decision, but it can still be the right one for me.
I am so over everyone telling me that I need a relationship with my mother. I love the people who don't try to tell me that they know better than I do about what I need in my life. No one but me (and possibly Ace) knows what all happened to cause the relationship to be so unhealthy that I needed out. No one but me should decide if I was being harsh or burning a bridge or just that I need to change that decision. And the people who truly care about my happiness either know enough to know that I am happier without her in my life (and why) or to know that they don't need to know the details unless and until I share them.
I read the post out loud to Ace. Then I talked about the fact that I expect to tell our future children something about why they (and I) don't have a relationship with my mother. They'll figure out that my step-mom is not my mom at some point, based on the fact that I call her by name, if nothing else. They'll have questions, and the younger they are, the simpler the answers will be.
I doubt that I'll ever tell them everything. They don't need to know all the details, and I don't remember all of them anyway. I remember enough to know why I stopped the relationship. I remember enough to not let nostalgia for the good times convince me that the relationship would be healthy if I tried to start it back up. I remember enough of the good times that the thought of her doesn't hurt so bad. I remember enough to not want to see her, because just being in the same place is awkward and frustrating.
There are things in this life that I will fight tooth and nail for. My relationship with Ace is one of them. That is a relationship that is worth the work, and usually it doesn't feel like we are working at the relationship. My relationship with my sister is another. I'd love to be closer to her, but we've almost always had a distance separating us (the age difference, if nothing else). But I'd work and try and push to keep a relationship with her. She is worth it. And she wouldn't make me do all the work.
I don't really have a point. I can't say things better than that post did. Sometimes, it's time to protect yourself.
I stopped a toxic relationship with my mother. I survived the emotional abuse that she heaped on me (and it was emotional abuse, which can damage a person nearly as badly as physical abuse can sometimes). I know that just because there were good times, that doesn't negate the bad times. I don't life my life based on the things she said. I don't blame that past on my current situation. I understand that emotional abuse is still abuse, and that I deserve better. I know that some people will never understand, and I don't let them make my decisions for me.
If you have never walked in my shoes, lived my life, you can't know what has caused me to make my decisions. Maybe I am not as strong as some people. But there are people who would be amazed at what I have survived. We all have something we are struggling with. Sometimes, it's time to stop struggling and let it go.
If you ever need to tell someone something without them judging you for making a decision, I hope that I can help. I care and I'd be happy to listen/read. I understand loving someone who hurts you. And I understand letting someone go because the hurt is too much. I know that I can never fully understand your life, just as you can never fully understand mine. But I'm here. And I care.
I read a great post earlier called When Is It Time to Walk Away and it has me feeling inspired. Because it's nice to know that someone can understand, without details, that they may not have all the information about why I've made a decision, but it can still be the right one for me.
I am so over everyone telling me that I need a relationship with my mother. I love the people who don't try to tell me that they know better than I do about what I need in my life. No one but me (and possibly Ace) knows what all happened to cause the relationship to be so unhealthy that I needed out. No one but me should decide if I was being harsh or burning a bridge or just that I need to change that decision. And the people who truly care about my happiness either know enough to know that I am happier without her in my life (and why) or to know that they don't need to know the details unless and until I share them.
I read the post out loud to Ace. Then I talked about the fact that I expect to tell our future children something about why they (and I) don't have a relationship with my mother. They'll figure out that my step-mom is not my mom at some point, based on the fact that I call her by name, if nothing else. They'll have questions, and the younger they are, the simpler the answers will be.
I doubt that I'll ever tell them everything. They don't need to know all the details, and I don't remember all of them anyway. I remember enough to know why I stopped the relationship. I remember enough to not let nostalgia for the good times convince me that the relationship would be healthy if I tried to start it back up. I remember enough of the good times that the thought of her doesn't hurt so bad. I remember enough to not want to see her, because just being in the same place is awkward and frustrating.
There are things in this life that I will fight tooth and nail for. My relationship with Ace is one of them. That is a relationship that is worth the work, and usually it doesn't feel like we are working at the relationship. My relationship with my sister is another. I'd love to be closer to her, but we've almost always had a distance separating us (the age difference, if nothing else). But I'd work and try and push to keep a relationship with her. She is worth it. And she wouldn't make me do all the work.
I don't really have a point. I can't say things better than that post did. Sometimes, it's time to protect yourself.
I stopped a toxic relationship with my mother. I survived the emotional abuse that she heaped on me (and it was emotional abuse, which can damage a person nearly as badly as physical abuse can sometimes). I know that just because there were good times, that doesn't negate the bad times. I don't life my life based on the things she said. I don't blame that past on my current situation. I understand that emotional abuse is still abuse, and that I deserve better. I know that some people will never understand, and I don't let them make my decisions for me.
If you have never walked in my shoes, lived my life, you can't know what has caused me to make my decisions. Maybe I am not as strong as some people. But there are people who would be amazed at what I have survived. We all have something we are struggling with. Sometimes, it's time to stop struggling and let it go.
If you ever need to tell someone something without them judging you for making a decision, I hope that I can help. I care and I'd be happy to listen/read. I understand loving someone who hurts you. And I understand letting someone go because the hurt is too much. I know that I can never fully understand your life, just as you can never fully understand mine. But I'm here. And I care.
I'm Not Sure Why I'm Sharing This
Sorry I disappeared again. If I had posted the last week and a half, it would probably been about the problems with the truck, which were myriad at the time and would have really been me whining again. Right now, the only thing to whine about that has to do with the truck is the smell.
Anyway, what I really want to talk about is my period. Because it's weird this month, and I don't have a doctor to talk to. So, I'm talking to the internet. I probably need help, and to stop over sharing with strangers (I didn't post about it on Facebook, because I'm classy like that).
So, while Ace and I were at the hotel in Dallas (because the truck was being worked on), I started spotting. Since I had left all my supplies on the truck (which annoyed Ace and I both), we had to go buy some. No big deal, there was a grocery store withing walking distance.
Got everything I needed and we went back to the hotel. And then, my period never quite started. Instead, it's been spotty. I feel fine, nothing hurts. But this isn't like normal (and I'll not talk about color, but that's worried me more than the spotting). And I'm trying not to go onto WebMD and freak myself out about what it could be. Because then I'll convince myself it's something serious and deadly and ahh send help! That way lies madness.
So, yeah. My body is being all mysterious and weird. And I'm trying not to freak out about it.
And why does the truck smell like rotting ham?
Maybe I should check WebMD. Just to be safe.
Nope. Not going to do it.
P.S.: I hate Ace having to drive all night after being at the yard for roughly a week. It screws up my sleep schedule for days. And makes me grouchy to boot. Send caffeine and chocolate.
Anyway, what I really want to talk about is my period. Because it's weird this month, and I don't have a doctor to talk to. So, I'm talking to the internet. I probably need help, and to stop over sharing with strangers (I didn't post about it on Facebook, because I'm classy like that).
So, while Ace and I were at the hotel in Dallas (because the truck was being worked on), I started spotting. Since I had left all my supplies on the truck (which annoyed Ace and I both), we had to go buy some. No big deal, there was a grocery store withing walking distance.
Got everything I needed and we went back to the hotel. And then, my period never quite started. Instead, it's been spotty. I feel fine, nothing hurts. But this isn't like normal (and I'll not talk about color, but that's worried me more than the spotting). And I'm trying not to go onto WebMD and freak myself out about what it could be. Because then I'll convince myself it's something serious and deadly and ahh send help! That way lies madness.
So, yeah. My body is being all mysterious and weird. And I'm trying not to freak out about it.
And why does the truck smell like rotting ham?
Maybe I should check WebMD. Just to be safe.
Nope. Not going to do it.
P.S.: I hate Ace having to drive all night after being at the yard for roughly a week. It screws up my sleep schedule for days. And makes me grouchy to boot. Send caffeine and chocolate.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I Will Get Better About Posting Soon, I Promise
I'm still alive. I even have a good internet connection now. I'm just suddenly finding myself fighting off depression sometimes and not inspired others and exhausted the rest. It's been a busy time lately.
So, anyway. I'm alive and on the truck. We're still traveling around the USA. So far, I've been to more than half the states.
And we've had a few issues come up, but nothing that can't be fixed.
I don't really have much to say tonight, but hopefully I'll be back on with another list of things I've learned since getting on the truck.
So, anyway. I'm alive and on the truck. We're still traveling around the USA. So far, I've been to more than half the states.
And we've had a few issues come up, but nothing that can't be fixed.
I don't really have much to say tonight, but hopefully I'll be back on with another list of things I've learned since getting on the truck.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
See, I Do Remember to Post More Often than Every 2 Weeks!
In addition to being a bad blogger, I've been a bad blog reader. Last year, in roughly August or September (or October, or rather, over parts of all three months), I had a really bad case of depression hit. I lost all my interest in, well, just about anything. I watched a lot of crappy tv and read a lot of fanfiction and didn't do much of anything else. Including eating.
It was really bad. I was eating about two slices of sandwich meat a day for a while. Because the fridge was just too far away.
So, because everything felt like too much effort, I stopped reading blogs. I also stopped reading comics. And playing most games. And on some days, sitting up. And Ace was worried from afar, because he was in training and couldn't be there to help put me back together again (and that was part of the problem).
It was really, really bad. I had a day of talking to Ace on instant messenger where he was offering to talk to my dad and see if he'd come pack my stuff if I could just get myself dressed, and that was too difficult that day (I also may have cried a bit during that conversation, because depression sucks and makes me an emotional wreck). It was epically bad.
And since then, I just haven't made the effort to catch back up on blogs or comics or anything. I'm still not fully checking everything on FaceBook like I used to.
I'm better. Worlds of better. Nowhere near where I was. But I've not started reading blogs again. Because even if I skip catching up on the backlog, which would be advisable, I've not found the desire to go back to reading all those blogs again. Not because I don't care about the people, I do. I just am struggling to find my own voice again, so I'm not ready to add other voices into my head. At least not yet.
So, to all those whose blogs I used to read, I apologize. It's not you. It's totally me. And that crippling depression. I still love you and I hope things are going well. I'm just not ready to immerse myself back in your lives yet. But someday, hopefully soon, I'll be back to reading. Right now, I've got to finish fixing my own head.
It was really bad. I was eating about two slices of sandwich meat a day for a while. Because the fridge was just too far away.
So, because everything felt like too much effort, I stopped reading blogs. I also stopped reading comics. And playing most games. And on some days, sitting up. And Ace was worried from afar, because he was in training and couldn't be there to help put me back together again (and that was part of the problem).
It was really, really bad. I had a day of talking to Ace on instant messenger where he was offering to talk to my dad and see if he'd come pack my stuff if I could just get myself dressed, and that was too difficult that day (I also may have cried a bit during that conversation, because depression sucks and makes me an emotional wreck). It was epically bad.
And since then, I just haven't made the effort to catch back up on blogs or comics or anything. I'm still not fully checking everything on FaceBook like I used to.
I'm better. Worlds of better. Nowhere near where I was. But I've not started reading blogs again. Because even if I skip catching up on the backlog, which would be advisable, I've not found the desire to go back to reading all those blogs again. Not because I don't care about the people, I do. I just am struggling to find my own voice again, so I'm not ready to add other voices into my head. At least not yet.
So, to all those whose blogs I used to read, I apologize. It's not you. It's totally me. And that crippling depression. I still love you and I hope things are going well. I'm just not ready to immerse myself back in your lives yet. But someday, hopefully soon, I'll be back to reading. Right now, I've got to finish fixing my own head.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Explanations
Hi. I've been MIA for a while, I know. The problem with blogging on the road is oddly not one of not having enough internet connections as much as finding a time when I'm awake and in the mood to write. It's difficult.
And then, Ace and I have take some time off and have been visiting some friends, and I've not thought much about my blog.
I am a crappy blogger sometimes.
Anyway, the other explanation I feel I should do have to do with the hours thing I was mentioning in my last post (I really should have followed that up sooner, but for a bit I was kind of mentally a zombie, only with no desire to eat brains so I wasn't a danger to others. I just wanted sleep.).
The hours of service for a truck driver are as follows: If your company operates 7 days a week (which most do), you have 70 hours in an 8 day period that you can drive, fuel, inspect your truck, and be available for waiting at a shipper or receiver. Everyday, you have 11 hours available time to drive and 14 hours available time to be on duty (driving, fueling, inspecting, waiting, etc.). Unless you have less than 11 hours available on your 70, then you have only those hours available to drive (you still have 14 hours available on duty, that is a constant). On day 9, you get back whatever hours you used on day 1 and it follows like that. In theory, you can drive it so that you never run out of time on your 70 hours. In reality, 70 hours is easily taken up in 6 days and leaves you needing to stop for 34 hours to reset your 70. At least that is often the case for Ace and I.
Everyday, after your 11 hours of driving are up, you have to take a 10 hour break in order to get 11 more hours to drive. This is generally when you eat dinner, sleep, and eat breakfast. It's also the only time a driver has to get on a computer, play games, do laundry (unless they do laundry during a 34). And usually, when you stop, your 10 hour break doesn't start for the better part of an hour because you are doing a post-trip inspection.
So, yeah. A truck driver's life (and that of their passenger) revolves around the 11 hours and the 70 hours. And it's been weird to learn about all of that.
And then, Ace and I have take some time off and have been visiting some friends, and I've not thought much about my blog.
I am a crappy blogger sometimes.
Anyway, the other explanation I feel I should do have to do with the hours thing I was mentioning in my last post (I really should have followed that up sooner, but for a bit I was kind of mentally a zombie, only with no desire to eat brains so I wasn't a danger to others. I just wanted sleep.).
The hours of service for a truck driver are as follows: If your company operates 7 days a week (which most do), you have 70 hours in an 8 day period that you can drive, fuel, inspect your truck, and be available for waiting at a shipper or receiver. Everyday, you have 11 hours available time to drive and 14 hours available time to be on duty (driving, fueling, inspecting, waiting, etc.). Unless you have less than 11 hours available on your 70, then you have only those hours available to drive (you still have 14 hours available on duty, that is a constant). On day 9, you get back whatever hours you used on day 1 and it follows like that. In theory, you can drive it so that you never run out of time on your 70 hours. In reality, 70 hours is easily taken up in 6 days and leaves you needing to stop for 34 hours to reset your 70. At least that is often the case for Ace and I.
Everyday, after your 11 hours of driving are up, you have to take a 10 hour break in order to get 11 more hours to drive. This is generally when you eat dinner, sleep, and eat breakfast. It's also the only time a driver has to get on a computer, play games, do laundry (unless they do laundry during a 34). And usually, when you stop, your 10 hour break doesn't start for the better part of an hour because you are doing a post-trip inspection.
So, yeah. A truck driver's life (and that of their passenger) revolves around the 11 hours and the 70 hours. And it's been weird to learn about all of that.
Friday, February 22, 2013
We'll Just Have To Go Back Someday
I have survived us going to Brooklyn, New York in a 72 foot semi. It was one of the most stressful things to have happened. Brooklyn is not made for semis. New York City is not made for semis.
On the other hand, Ace and I went to Hershey, PA after leaving New York. That was cool.
Let me back up some to explain why Hershey, PA was cool, because it wasn't because of getting to see Hershey, PA (too dark, although they do have a street called Chocolate Avenue, which is awesome).
It all started when Ace and I left to go to Louisiana with a load of salad. One long night later, we get stuck sitting for 10+ hours waiting for Ace's break to be over so we can get to our next load. That load was supposed to be started loading onto a trailer at 5 pm and be ready to go by 10 pm. It was finally ready at 5:26 am. That's annoying, but it happens. It would be nicer if we got paid when things like that happen, but we deal as best we can.
So, we deliver the load on time. The place we are delivering to has all the trailers a bit close together, but we get our trailer dropped and we hook up to an empty trailer. All we know about where we are supposed to go from there is Amarillo is the right direction. We end up getting a 34 hour reset (which means Ace has a fresh clock for driving for the week) that we don't need, but it's no big deal (except that is money we could be earning). We head up to Liberal, KS to pick up a load of meat.
The load we are picking up was supposed to be ready by no later than 1:30 pm on Valentine's Day (Ace and I can't get there until about 4 pm, but it is supposed to be ready when we get there). It is finally ready at about 5 am on the 15th. It is already late and the company has to reschedule when it's delivered. Sucky, but not our fault in the slightest.
While we are hauling that load, there is an accident about 3 miles from our planned stop for the night that eats up time while we wait to be able to move. Then, we get a call on the original delivery date that they want their delivery that day, can we do it? The answer is no. Then it looked like we might get taken off it and stuck waiting on a different delivery, but that doesn't work out. So, they have to wait on their delivery because it just isn't going to happen on the original date.
Then comes the harrowing experience of trying to help Ace not get lost in New York. We made it to our delivery 15 minutes early. Then we get to sit and wait, while blocking traffic in one lane, for the receiver to be ready for our delivery. Everything goes fine during our wait and while backing into the dock was crazy, it wasn't a big deal. Getting back out of Brooklyn, on the other hand... We got lost. Thankfully, a cop car pulled up and lead us back to where we needed to be to get out. And while we got lost again trying to get across New Jersey, we managed to avoid going back to New York.
While we were sitting at the dock, waiting for our load to be unloaded, we got our next delivery assignment. Hershey, PA to Mississippi. We arrived in Hershey early, hoping that maybe they might be ready for us. They were, which was great because we were 6 hours early. Everything with that load (which we finished last night) went great. They had an easy place for us to drop our trailer. The trailer we were hooking up to was where they said it would be. And we got part of the way down the road towards the delivery before we had to stop for a 10 hour break.
We are currently getting another 34 hour reset, but this one is actually needed. We pick up a load tomorrow night. Hopefully things go smoothly.
Sometimes, trucking involves a lot of sitting around, waiting. But when it's going well, it involves a lot of driving.
I'm just glad I'm with Ace again. And that we are planning where all we want to go when we are seeing the US in a car/RV.
On the other hand, Ace and I went to Hershey, PA after leaving New York. That was cool.
Let me back up some to explain why Hershey, PA was cool, because it wasn't because of getting to see Hershey, PA (too dark, although they do have a street called Chocolate Avenue, which is awesome).
It all started when Ace and I left to go to Louisiana with a load of salad. One long night later, we get stuck sitting for 10+ hours waiting for Ace's break to be over so we can get to our next load. That load was supposed to be started loading onto a trailer at 5 pm and be ready to go by 10 pm. It was finally ready at 5:26 am. That's annoying, but it happens. It would be nicer if we got paid when things like that happen, but we deal as best we can.
So, we deliver the load on time. The place we are delivering to has all the trailers a bit close together, but we get our trailer dropped and we hook up to an empty trailer. All we know about where we are supposed to go from there is Amarillo is the right direction. We end up getting a 34 hour reset (which means Ace has a fresh clock for driving for the week) that we don't need, but it's no big deal (except that is money we could be earning). We head up to Liberal, KS to pick up a load of meat.
The load we are picking up was supposed to be ready by no later than 1:30 pm on Valentine's Day (Ace and I can't get there until about 4 pm, but it is supposed to be ready when we get there). It is finally ready at about 5 am on the 15th. It is already late and the company has to reschedule when it's delivered. Sucky, but not our fault in the slightest.
While we are hauling that load, there is an accident about 3 miles from our planned stop for the night that eats up time while we wait to be able to move. Then, we get a call on the original delivery date that they want their delivery that day, can we do it? The answer is no. Then it looked like we might get taken off it and stuck waiting on a different delivery, but that doesn't work out. So, they have to wait on their delivery because it just isn't going to happen on the original date.
Then comes the harrowing experience of trying to help Ace not get lost in New York. We made it to our delivery 15 minutes early. Then we get to sit and wait, while blocking traffic in one lane, for the receiver to be ready for our delivery. Everything goes fine during our wait and while backing into the dock was crazy, it wasn't a big deal. Getting back out of Brooklyn, on the other hand... We got lost. Thankfully, a cop car pulled up and lead us back to where we needed to be to get out. And while we got lost again trying to get across New Jersey, we managed to avoid going back to New York.
While we were sitting at the dock, waiting for our load to be unloaded, we got our next delivery assignment. Hershey, PA to Mississippi. We arrived in Hershey early, hoping that maybe they might be ready for us. They were, which was great because we were 6 hours early. Everything with that load (which we finished last night) went great. They had an easy place for us to drop our trailer. The trailer we were hooking up to was where they said it would be. And we got part of the way down the road towards the delivery before we had to stop for a 10 hour break.
We are currently getting another 34 hour reset, but this one is actually needed. We pick up a load tomorrow night. Hopefully things go smoothly.
Sometimes, trucking involves a lot of sitting around, waiting. But when it's going well, it involves a lot of driving.
I'm just glad I'm with Ace again. And that we are planning where all we want to go when we are seeing the US in a car/RV.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
On the Road Again
Ace and I have been on the road again since Saturday evening. And after a few days of not quite enough sleep all at once, I am finally mostly able to not feel like my mind is fuzzy. I'm still tired, but my thoughts aren't quite so mixed up.
The problem is that right now there is little to talk about. Exhaustion does not make me creative or provide many interesting stories. And my current description of Louisiana would include how dark it is (at night), that we could see trees even in the dark, and that we did a lot of waiting for loads to be loaded or unloaded. Not exactly the most accurate description. (The shipper for our current load was supposed to start loading the trailer we were picking up at 5 pm and be done by roughly 10 pm, which is a long time to take to load a trailer. They were done at 5:26 am. And the only explanation we got was that they were running behind.)
On the plus side, we are earning some money. On the minus side, we are both tired and already ready for a break (because Ace didn't really get one when he was supposed to). And we have no idea where we are supposed to be heading after we drop off this trailer tonight, at least we don't yet.
Sometimes, trucking sucks.
The problem is that right now there is little to talk about. Exhaustion does not make me creative or provide many interesting stories. And my current description of Louisiana would include how dark it is (at night), that we could see trees even in the dark, and that we did a lot of waiting for loads to be loaded or unloaded. Not exactly the most accurate description. (The shipper for our current load was supposed to start loading the trailer we were picking up at 5 pm and be done by roughly 10 pm, which is a long time to take to load a trailer. They were done at 5:26 am. And the only explanation we got was that they were running behind.)
On the plus side, we are earning some money. On the minus side, we are both tired and already ready for a break (because Ace didn't really get one when he was supposed to). And we have no idea where we are supposed to be heading after we drop off this trailer tonight, at least we don't yet.
Sometimes, trucking sucks.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Time Off
Ace is currently taking some time off from driving a truck. He worked for almost 2 months straight, with little time not spent driving, so it works that he's taking a little time off. Not that our lives have gone as planned with this time off.
Ace and I have a bank that at least supposedly does not send out new debit cards until right before the old ones expire. How true this statement is is unverified at this point. But the debit cards play into how our time off has occurred.
Ace and I had debit cards that expired at the end of January. We had a delivery near Dallas, TX on February 1st. We had a funeral we were trying to go to on February 2nd. We had plans to rent a car, get our mail sorted out, get our new debit cards in our wallets, and attend a funeral.
Instead, we had problems with not having the funds available (despite having the cash on hand and the money in our bank account) to rent a car. Because of one day expired debit cards. And policies on having to have a card physically at the rental location for the deposit on the car (a situation that is frustrating to us both). We are planning on sending our mail to the yard our truck is currently sitting in (waiting for repairs), but we can't take care of that until Monday because the one person that could do that doesn't work until Monday. Ace did not get to attend his grandmother's funeral (neither of us is upset about that, but we had planned on at least paying our respects by attending).
We discovered, a bit too late on Friday, that my credit card had had it's limit upped. We rented a hotel room yesterday at a hotel that is commonly used by Ace's company. We'll stay here until Tuesday morning. It's good for Ace to get some time off the truck in addition to not driving. Unfortunately, tomorrow he has to be at the yard all day taking care of various things. But at least he has today fully off.
This weekend has not quite gone how we planned. But it seems like that is a good thing, because we are both more relaxed than we would have been if it had gone to plan. We had a somewhat long day Friday, but we had figured out fairly early after the car rental plan hadn't worked out that we weren't going to be able to go anywhere, which made the day shorter than it was originally scheduled to be (originally, we were going to drive an additional 550+ miles that day, after the 200 to drop off the load).
So, here I sit in a hotel room in Dallas. Life is strange sometimes.
Ace and I have a bank that at least supposedly does not send out new debit cards until right before the old ones expire. How true this statement is is unverified at this point. But the debit cards play into how our time off has occurred.
Ace and I had debit cards that expired at the end of January. We had a delivery near Dallas, TX on February 1st. We had a funeral we were trying to go to on February 2nd. We had plans to rent a car, get our mail sorted out, get our new debit cards in our wallets, and attend a funeral.
Instead, we had problems with not having the funds available (despite having the cash on hand and the money in our bank account) to rent a car. Because of one day expired debit cards. And policies on having to have a card physically at the rental location for the deposit on the car (a situation that is frustrating to us both). We are planning on sending our mail to the yard our truck is currently sitting in (waiting for repairs), but we can't take care of that until Monday because the one person that could do that doesn't work until Monday. Ace did not get to attend his grandmother's funeral (neither of us is upset about that, but we had planned on at least paying our respects by attending).
We discovered, a bit too late on Friday, that my credit card had had it's limit upped. We rented a hotel room yesterday at a hotel that is commonly used by Ace's company. We'll stay here until Tuesday morning. It's good for Ace to get some time off the truck in addition to not driving. Unfortunately, tomorrow he has to be at the yard all day taking care of various things. But at least he has today fully off.
This weekend has not quite gone how we planned. But it seems like that is a good thing, because we are both more relaxed than we would have been if it had gone to plan. We had a somewhat long day Friday, but we had figured out fairly early after the car rental plan hadn't worked out that we weren't going to be able to go anywhere, which made the day shorter than it was originally scheduled to be (originally, we were going to drive an additional 550+ miles that day, after the 200 to drop off the load).
So, here I sit in a hotel room in Dallas. Life is strange sometimes.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Things I've Learned
Things I’ve learned so far on the truck:
1. Kansas is boring. It is full of rolling hills that all look the same. There is no signal for my cell phone or our current mobile internet. And it stinks.
2. Colorado has more trees in the first 5 miles than all of Kansas. This may only be a slight exaggeration.
3. The Rocky Mountains are beautiful.
4. Sometimes, the company can change their mind about where you should go after you’ve already started to head one way. That sucks.
5. Colorado has windmill farms. They have red lights on them so planes won’t fly into them.
6. Nebraska is flatter than Kansas. And it has more trees. By a lot.
7. If you know of a city in one state, there is likely a city by that name in another state (or multiple states). For example, there is a Lexington in Mississippi, Nebraska, and New York as well as in Kentucky.
8. 34 hour resets can be somewhat boring, but they are necessary from time to time. It’s a good time to do laundry.
9. There is always something to buy at a truck stop. Most things are probably things you don’t really need. That doesn’t make them less tempting.
10. Chicken plants stink worse than cow patties. A lot worse.
11. Tyson does something with beef too. I have no clue what, but they do something with it.
12. Sometimes, the smaller truck stops are actually the better ones. You may not want to take a shower there, but the parking lots are better and there is plenty of options for drinks. Bigger does not mean better.
13. Trees make for fascinating scenery when you've had nothing but rolling hills to look at for hours.
14. I have an irrational dislike of Kansas now. And a list of things that could make Kansas cooler. I never knew I could dislike a whole state before.
15. The heaters on a truck work really well. Like wearing a t-shirt warm. I like it.
I've been on the truck less than a week. I'm sure more posts like this will be coming in the future.
1. Kansas is boring. It is full of rolling hills that all look the same. There is no signal for my cell phone or our current mobile internet. And it stinks.
2. Colorado has more trees in the first 5 miles than all of Kansas. This may only be a slight exaggeration.
3. The Rocky Mountains are beautiful.
4. Sometimes, the company can change their mind about where you should go after you’ve already started to head one way. That sucks.
5. Colorado has windmill farms. They have red lights on them so planes won’t fly into them.
6. Nebraska is flatter than Kansas. And it has more trees. By a lot.
7. If you know of a city in one state, there is likely a city by that name in another state (or multiple states). For example, there is a Lexington in Mississippi, Nebraska, and New York as well as in Kentucky.
8. 34 hour resets can be somewhat boring, but they are necessary from time to time. It’s a good time to do laundry.
9. There is always something to buy at a truck stop. Most things are probably things you don’t really need. That doesn’t make them less tempting.
10. Chicken plants stink worse than cow patties. A lot worse.
11. Tyson does something with beef too. I have no clue what, but they do something with it.
12. Sometimes, the smaller truck stops are actually the better ones. You may not want to take a shower there, but the parking lots are better and there is plenty of options for drinks. Bigger does not mean better.
13. Trees make for fascinating scenery when you've had nothing but rolling hills to look at for hours.
14. I have an irrational dislike of Kansas now. And a list of things that could make Kansas cooler. I never knew I could dislike a whole state before.
15. The heaters on a truck work really well. Like wearing a t-shirt warm. I like it.
I've been on the truck less than a week. I'm sure more posts like this will be coming in the future.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Meet Me in St. Louis
I have the best father in the world. Seriously, no one else is even a contender for the title.
Yesterday, my dad drove me 5 and 1/2 hours to East St. Louis, IL to meet up with Ace and get on the truck. This is only part of the reason he is the best father in the world.
My dad has back problems. He is in constant pain, unless he is doped to the gills. He does not do long car trips if he can help it. When I got up yesterday, he offered to drive me because he knew Ace was delivering near St. Louis. He wanted to see me smiling again, which he got to see every time he looked at me in the rear view mirror yesterday. I'm still smiling.
My father, who should not be in a car for 11 hours, was in a car for 11 hours yesterday to let me be with my husband again. He sacrificed his day and his body to bring me happiness. I will never forget that. Never.
My step-mom also rocks. She came with us, so that if my dad was hurting too bad she could help drive home. She had work today, and she works with little kids (under 2 years old). And she's still recovering from surgery (she seems to be doing well).
Today, I am with Ace. We are on the truck. Tonight, we pick up a trailer full of candy to drive it to Colorado. I don't know if I would be with Ace today if my dad hadn't driven me up here (I did help pay for at least some of the gas for the trip, and it was the least I could do).
I got to see the St. Louis arch up close (we made a wrong turn, and ended up right by the arch). I got to share in a new experience with my dad and step-mom. And I got to join my husband.
I have the best father in the world. And no one can convince me otherwise.
Yesterday, my dad drove me 5 and 1/2 hours to East St. Louis, IL to meet up with Ace and get on the truck. This is only part of the reason he is the best father in the world.
My dad has back problems. He is in constant pain, unless he is doped to the gills. He does not do long car trips if he can help it. When I got up yesterday, he offered to drive me because he knew Ace was delivering near St. Louis. He wanted to see me smiling again, which he got to see every time he looked at me in the rear view mirror yesterday. I'm still smiling.
My father, who should not be in a car for 11 hours, was in a car for 11 hours yesterday to let me be with my husband again. He sacrificed his day and his body to bring me happiness. I will never forget that. Never.
My step-mom also rocks. She came with us, so that if my dad was hurting too bad she could help drive home. She had work today, and she works with little kids (under 2 years old). And she's still recovering from surgery (she seems to be doing well).
Today, I am with Ace. We are on the truck. Tonight, we pick up a trailer full of candy to drive it to Colorado. I don't know if I would be with Ace today if my dad hadn't driven me up here (I did help pay for at least some of the gas for the trip, and it was the least I could do).
I got to see the St. Louis arch up close (we made a wrong turn, and ended up right by the arch). I got to share in a new experience with my dad and step-mom. And I got to join my husband.
I have the best father in the world. And no one can convince me otherwise.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Waiting Still
I'm still alive. Hopefully, I'll be joining Ace on the truck soon. As it is, I'm still waiting for him to get close enough.
And maybe someday, I'll start trying to figure out why I seem to ignore this blog for a week and a half sometimes.
And maybe someday, I'll start trying to figure out why I seem to ignore this blog for a week and a half sometimes.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Signs You've Grown Up
Today, I am posting signs that you've grown up (things that I've noticed that I'm doing around my dad that show that I've grown up).
1. Folding your laundry, especially your underwear, without blushing.
2. Playing Cards Against Humanity (admitting you know what some of those cards mean is... awkward with your dad playing with you)
3. Admitting you need to go buy supplies for your period.
4. Listening to Afternoon Delight on the radio without blushing or squirming (still working on that one).
5. Knowing when asking won't affect what happens, so you don't bother asking.
Okay, it's a short list. But still.
And Cards Against Humanity is fun, but it's not clean. Which is why it's awkward to admit knowing what the cards mean.
But I'm growing up, or I am grown up. Or I am at least not as immature/young as I used to be. Or something.
1. Folding your laundry, especially your underwear, without blushing.
2. Playing Cards Against Humanity (admitting you know what some of those cards mean is... awkward with your dad playing with you)
3. Admitting you need to go buy supplies for your period.
4. Listening to Afternoon Delight on the radio without blushing or squirming (still working on that one).
5. Knowing when asking won't affect what happens, so you don't bother asking.
Okay, it's a short list. But still.
And Cards Against Humanity is fun, but it's not clean. Which is why it's awkward to admit knowing what the cards mean.
But I'm growing up, or I am grown up. Or I am at least not as immature/young as I used to be. Or something.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Make New Mistakes
This year, I've decided to take Neil Gaiman's advice from December 31, 2011 as my goal for the year.
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever."
So, that's my goal for this year. To make mistakes. Especially new mistakes. I've survived the consequences of my old mistakes. I've gotten wiser from them. My life is not necessarily gotten better for those mistakes, but I've gotten to be a better, more mature person for having to deal with them.
So, this year I think I'll make new mistakes. And I invite you to join me in this.
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever."
So, that's my goal for this year. To make mistakes. Especially new mistakes. I've survived the consequences of my old mistakes. I've gotten wiser from them. My life is not necessarily gotten better for those mistakes, but I've gotten to be a better, more mature person for having to deal with them.
So, this year I think I'll make new mistakes. And I invite you to join me in this.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Distracted
Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've been distracted with family. Mostly with a dalmatian who decided that I am to be his cuddle buddy. He does not like my laptop being on my lap, and it's harder to type with it on the arm of the couch.
Ace and I now have a radio for our truck (and one month of service). Hopefully I'll be joining him soon (as in the next week, hopefully). It was one of the only things we asked for, and we got it. Go us!
Things are different here, but not a bad different. There are stresses, like the fact that I'm sleeping in the living room, so there is no real privacy. But they aren't hitting me as hard as the stresses of life with Ace's parents.
And I've spent lots of time with my dad, which has been nice.
But Christmas without Ace was not something I want to experience again. I miss him lots, even with being distracted.
And hopefully soon I'll be done with this part of my waiting. Waiting kind of sucks right now.
Ace and I now have a radio for our truck (and one month of service). Hopefully I'll be joining him soon (as in the next week, hopefully). It was one of the only things we asked for, and we got it. Go us!
Things are different here, but not a bad different. There are stresses, like the fact that I'm sleeping in the living room, so there is no real privacy. But they aren't hitting me as hard as the stresses of life with Ace's parents.
And I've spent lots of time with my dad, which has been nice.
But Christmas without Ace was not something I want to experience again. I miss him lots, even with being distracted.
And hopefully soon I'll be done with this part of my waiting. Waiting kind of sucks right now.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Wait, the World Didn't End
Okay, the world didn't end and I'm not dead.
But I do still appreciate all those people/groups who rock/make things that rock.
And my dad is pretty high on that list right now.
But I do still appreciate all those people/groups who rock/make things that rock.
And my dad is pretty high on that list right now.
The World Has Ended!
Just in case I was wrong, I'm writing a post about the end of the world. My biggest regrets: Not seeing The Hobbit and not getting to spend the last days of my life with my husband.
Okay, I would seriously hate both those things, but likely I just forgot that I put this on the schedule for today and I'm fine. Hopefully I'll remember to post after this to prove that I'm fine.
So, the world has ended. That sucks. Maybe it's not a full ending, but the Mayans have come back as zombies to take over and punish us for them all dying off. Maybe my imagination is sometimes morbid. I blame all the cop shows on TV and my love of watching them.
If Sherlock Holmes was real, I'd ask that he try to figure out how I died. I'm betting on either eaten by zombies (or would they avoid smart people?) or run over by some vehicle. If the Avengers were real, I'd ask them to avenge me (and if they can, the thousands of other people who have died as well).
And now, I'd like to thank the following people (or former people, depending on the nature of the end of the world) for making things rock and making things that rock: Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, Wil "Don't be a dick" Wheaton, Martin Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Julie Garwood, John Green, Hank Green, the George Lucas who shot the original Star Wars trilogy, the cast and crew of Firefly, Joss Whedon, the cast and crew of the Avengers, the cast and crew of any show/movie/comic/whatever that Joss Whedon worked on, Mark Gatiss, Steven Moffat, the cast and crew of Doctor Who, the people of ThinkGeek, my fellow bloggers, Ace, my family, my friends, and God.
That list is not in order of my gratitude. And it does not fully express my fangirl crushes on Martin Freeman (Seriously, one of the best actors, with one of the filthiest mouths, around. I've crushed on him since I saw him in Love, Actually.), Neil Gaiman (His writing is enough to make me like him, but his encouragement of writers has me seriously crushing on him), or Benedict Cumberbatch (Have you heard his voice? Or seen him? Or seen him acting? Or heard his lisp? There was no hope for me not having a crush!). Or how much I like stuff that Joss Whedon is a part of (Buffy the Vampire Slayer [show and movie], Angel, Firefly, Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog, The Avengers, Serenity, and I'm sure Dollhouse, when I finally watch it).
I shall miss all this stuff. Unless I'm still alive and just forgot about this post. In which case, I hope everyone ignores all this random stuff I'm saying, and instead sends me chocolate. (Don't ignore the plea for chocolate.)
Okay, I would seriously hate both those things, but likely I just forgot that I put this on the schedule for today and I'm fine. Hopefully I'll remember to post after this to prove that I'm fine.
So, the world has ended. That sucks. Maybe it's not a full ending, but the Mayans have come back as zombies to take over and punish us for them all dying off. Maybe my imagination is sometimes morbid. I blame all the cop shows on TV and my love of watching them.
If Sherlock Holmes was real, I'd ask that he try to figure out how I died. I'm betting on either eaten by zombies (or would they avoid smart people?) or run over by some vehicle. If the Avengers were real, I'd ask them to avenge me (and if they can, the thousands of other people who have died as well).
And now, I'd like to thank the following people (or former people, depending on the nature of the end of the world) for making things rock and making things that rock: Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, Wil "Don't be a dick" Wheaton, Martin Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Julie Garwood, John Green, Hank Green, the George Lucas who shot the original Star Wars trilogy, the cast and crew of Firefly, Joss Whedon, the cast and crew of the Avengers, the cast and crew of any show/movie/comic/whatever that Joss Whedon worked on, Mark Gatiss, Steven Moffat, the cast and crew of Doctor Who, the people of ThinkGeek, my fellow bloggers, Ace, my family, my friends, and God.
That list is not in order of my gratitude. And it does not fully express my fangirl crushes on Martin Freeman (Seriously, one of the best actors, with one of the filthiest mouths, around. I've crushed on him since I saw him in Love, Actually.), Neil Gaiman (His writing is enough to make me like him, but his encouragement of writers has me seriously crushing on him), or Benedict Cumberbatch (Have you heard his voice? Or seen him? Or seen him acting? Or heard his lisp? There was no hope for me not having a crush!). Or how much I like stuff that Joss Whedon is a part of (Buffy the Vampire Slayer [show and movie], Angel, Firefly, Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog, The Avengers, Serenity, and I'm sure Dollhouse, when I finally watch it).
I shall miss all this stuff. Unless I'm still alive and just forgot about this post. In which case, I hope everyone ignores all this random stuff I'm saying, and instead sends me chocolate. (Don't ignore the plea for chocolate.)
Friday, December 21, 2012
Boring for an Apocalypse
There has been a distinct lack of world ending today. I realize the day is not completely over yet (at least not in my time zone), but we are pretty close to the end of 12/21/12 and there does not seem to be any ending of the world happening. At least not as anything more than internet memes and jokes.
But who says the Mayans were counting down to the end of the world anyway? Their calendar just ended. I never assume that the world will end on December 31st, a date when most calenders end each year.
Today was mostly filled with the same boring things happening. I cuddled with my dad and step-mom's dog (He's going to miss me when I leave) off and on. I ate more than I should have of the homemade candy my step-mom made (it was my breakfast today). I spent most of the day reading Avengers fanfic (I still need to see the movie).
It is the most boring way to spend the supposed end of the world. Although, world ending seemed unlikely, so it was a perfectly normal way to spend a Friday.
I did have a fun discussion about wanting an army of magical elves to combat the zombie apocalypse (for reasons) that lead to a Shawn of the Dead reference. I have some cool friends who play into my crazy thought life. It was also that kind of day, really.
And now, I'm going to go read more fanfic in a bizarre effort to convince myself that I should be going to sleep soon. Because my brain is a weird place.
But who says the Mayans were counting down to the end of the world anyway? Their calendar just ended. I never assume that the world will end on December 31st, a date when most calenders end each year.
Today was mostly filled with the same boring things happening. I cuddled with my dad and step-mom's dog (He's going to miss me when I leave) off and on. I ate more than I should have of the homemade candy my step-mom made (it was my breakfast today). I spent most of the day reading Avengers fanfic (I still need to see the movie).
It is the most boring way to spend the supposed end of the world. Although, world ending seemed unlikely, so it was a perfectly normal way to spend a Friday.
I did have a fun discussion about wanting an army of magical elves to combat the zombie apocalypse (for reasons) that lead to a Shawn of the Dead reference. I have some cool friends who play into my crazy thought life. It was also that kind of day, really.
And now, I'm going to go read more fanfic in a bizarre effort to convince myself that I should be going to sleep soon. Because my brain is a weird place.
Monday, December 17, 2012
I Do Not Need the Drama
Every time I start to forget most of the stuff about my mom that hurts, she seems to pop back up doing something that hurts. Every time (or maybe it's just lately).
Right now, it's something stupid with her new boyfriend and his granddaughter and it's this big thing, but not for me (she's claiming that's her first grandchild). My brother and sister are upset. They both seem to feel like she's putting this new family before her own. They both seem to be hurting. (My sister is fighting with her, and my brother is not happy.)
And it hurts. Because like it or not, she made those two my responsibility and she's hurting them. She made me feel like the mom, and she's hurting my babies, in essence. And I'm not the only one annoyed/angry/frustrated/helpless in this. My dad feels the same way.
I can't rescue them. I can't fix the past or the present. I know this. And I hate it. And I'd love to say that I hate her for doing this, but really I'm just tired. I'm tired of her forcing everyone else to be the grown-up because she's not ready to be one. I'm tired of feeling like I could have done something differently that would have fixed this, when I know I couldn't have. I am tired of feeling responsible for helping pick the pieces back up (when I haven't done that in years). I'm tired of her dragging me back into her drama when we aren't even in contact.
I am trying, hard, to focus on just learning what not to do as a parent from her example. I am not trying, at all, to figure out her logic. I have better things to do with my time.
But the mama-bear in me is ready to go claw her eyes out.
Right now, it's something stupid with her new boyfriend and his granddaughter and it's this big thing, but not for me (she's claiming that's her first grandchild). My brother and sister are upset. They both seem to feel like she's putting this new family before her own. They both seem to be hurting. (My sister is fighting with her, and my brother is not happy.)
And it hurts. Because like it or not, she made those two my responsibility and she's hurting them. She made me feel like the mom, and she's hurting my babies, in essence. And I'm not the only one annoyed/angry/frustrated/helpless in this. My dad feels the same way.
I can't rescue them. I can't fix the past or the present. I know this. And I hate it. And I'd love to say that I hate her for doing this, but really I'm just tired. I'm tired of her forcing everyone else to be the grown-up because she's not ready to be one. I'm tired of feeling like I could have done something differently that would have fixed this, when I know I couldn't have. I am tired of feeling responsible for helping pick the pieces back up (when I haven't done that in years). I'm tired of her dragging me back into her drama when we aren't even in contact.
I am trying, hard, to focus on just learning what not to do as a parent from her example. I am not trying, at all, to figure out her logic. I have better things to do with my time.
But the mama-bear in me is ready to go claw her eyes out.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
We Are All a Bit Broken
After yesterday's tragedy, I have a few thoughts. I don't know everything that happened. Even if I followed the news about it and read everything I could, I doubt I'd know what happened.
I have a theory that we, as humans, are all at least a tiny bit broken. Not intentionally. We all start out as perfect, innocent babies, but we are being raised by someone who is broken, and that is going to create some kind of a break in us.
For example, my mother was not ready to grow up and be an adult when she had me. She was broken in that she had been treated like the baby of the family her whole life (she was the youngest of all her siblings). And suddenly, she was supposed to be an adult and raise a child (or three... eventually). So, she did what she could until my father asked for a divorce. And then she just kind of decided that her 13/14 year-old daughter (me) was ready to grow up and be an adult and be responsible for her other two children.
And that decision, among others, caused me to break. In some really odd ways. I feel responsible, still, for making sure my sister and brother are happy. They are both adults (in their early 20s, both of them) and they should be responsible for themselves. And it's not just them. I feel like I should be taking care of everyone. Except when I feel like someone should take care of me for once. I walk a weird line between selfishness and selflessness. Because that's what I learned I had to do around my mother. Give until I had little left, and then jealously guard what little was mine alone so I could keep it. (It does not help that my mother is a liar at times when she thinks she can guilt someone into giving her something she wants/needs. It just creates more towing of that line.)
I don't know why someone would shoot a bunch of innocent kids. I don't know how the parents are starting to deal with this new fracture in their lives. I hope I never know.
But I do know that being so fundamentally broken seems to cause very different reactions in people. I get overly fussy and want to take care of people (except when I want to be taken care of). Some people get stuck in a place where they don't want to grow up and be an adult and find other people to deal with most things. And apparently others can't find a healthy way to relate to their families and cause destruction.
I have a theory that we are all at least a little bit broken. But we should be thankful that we aren't broken in ways that hurt others. And maybe we should look for people who are a bit broken that way and see if we can help some. I know that we can't fix the world, and we may not be able to fix them, but maybe we can stop such tragedies in their planning stages. Maybe.
I have a theory that we, as humans, are all at least a tiny bit broken. Not intentionally. We all start out as perfect, innocent babies, but we are being raised by someone who is broken, and that is going to create some kind of a break in us.
For example, my mother was not ready to grow up and be an adult when she had me. She was broken in that she had been treated like the baby of the family her whole life (she was the youngest of all her siblings). And suddenly, she was supposed to be an adult and raise a child (or three... eventually). So, she did what she could until my father asked for a divorce. And then she just kind of decided that her 13/14 year-old daughter (me) was ready to grow up and be an adult and be responsible for her other two children.
And that decision, among others, caused me to break. In some really odd ways. I feel responsible, still, for making sure my sister and brother are happy. They are both adults (in their early 20s, both of them) and they should be responsible for themselves. And it's not just them. I feel like I should be taking care of everyone. Except when I feel like someone should take care of me for once. I walk a weird line between selfishness and selflessness. Because that's what I learned I had to do around my mother. Give until I had little left, and then jealously guard what little was mine alone so I could keep it. (It does not help that my mother is a liar at times when she thinks she can guilt someone into giving her something she wants/needs. It just creates more towing of that line.)
I don't know why someone would shoot a bunch of innocent kids. I don't know how the parents are starting to deal with this new fracture in their lives. I hope I never know.
But I do know that being so fundamentally broken seems to cause very different reactions in people. I get overly fussy and want to take care of people (except when I want to be taken care of). Some people get stuck in a place where they don't want to grow up and be an adult and find other people to deal with most things. And apparently others can't find a healthy way to relate to their families and cause destruction.
I have a theory that we are all at least a little bit broken. But we should be thankful that we aren't broken in ways that hurt others. And maybe we should look for people who are a bit broken that way and see if we can help some. I know that we can't fix the world, and we may not be able to fix them, but maybe we can stop such tragedies in their planning stages. Maybe.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Great Talk
Last night, my sister and I had a really great talk. We talked about lots of things and we shared things and it was like we have the kind of relationship that I've always wanted us to have.
The conversation, despite being 2 hours long, was not quite long enough. Because there was all sorts of nothings that we hadn't talked about yet. And hopefully, soon, we'll have another talk like that.
My sister is happy, which makes me happy. Things are going well for her. Her fiance seems to be a genuinely great guy. They talk about things, including stupid things that aren't important other than they are what cements a relationship together.
I know that one conversation is not going to make my relationship with my sister perfect. But we shared things that were personal. We found common ground. We understand each other. And that is huge.
She understands some of my decisions better, now that she's older and she has had some of the same experiences that I've had. It hurts to know that she has been hurt, because she's my sister and I love her. But she's strong and smart and beautiful, and some of that comes from growing after being hurt.
Last night, my sister and I had a great talk. And I'm glad it could happen.
The conversation, despite being 2 hours long, was not quite long enough. Because there was all sorts of nothings that we hadn't talked about yet. And hopefully, soon, we'll have another talk like that.
My sister is happy, which makes me happy. Things are going well for her. Her fiance seems to be a genuinely great guy. They talk about things, including stupid things that aren't important other than they are what cements a relationship together.
I know that one conversation is not going to make my relationship with my sister perfect. But we shared things that were personal. We found common ground. We understand each other. And that is huge.
She understands some of my decisions better, now that she's older and she has had some of the same experiences that I've had. It hurts to know that she has been hurt, because she's my sister and I love her. But she's strong and smart and beautiful, and some of that comes from growing after being hurt.
Last night, my sister and I had a great talk. And I'm glad it could happen.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Hello from NW Arkansas
So, I am now living with my dad and step-mom. Unfortunately, there have been issues. Not so much with anyone living here. With Ace's truck. He was supposed to be back in it yesterday. Instead, it's in the shop. While Ace is enjoying having time off, we do need him making money again soon.
However, I refuse to let him drive when it isn't safe, and it currently wouldn't be safe to drive his truck. The back light on his gauges works as long as his headlights aren't on. Which is a problem for driving at night. The truck still hasn't been even checked out.
So, we are waiting. And dealing with living in a full house.
On the other hand, I've finally seen The Dark Knight Rises. And I've got nothing to say about the ending, but that I giggled through it. (And how did I forget that Ra's had a daughter? I knew that!)
So, yeah. Life is weird right now.
However, I refuse to let him drive when it isn't safe, and it currently wouldn't be safe to drive his truck. The back light on his gauges works as long as his headlights aren't on. Which is a problem for driving at night. The truck still hasn't been even checked out.
So, we are waiting. And dealing with living in a full house.
On the other hand, I've finally seen The Dark Knight Rises. And I've got nothing to say about the ending, but that I giggled through it. (And how did I forget that Ra's had a daughter? I knew that!)
So, yeah. Life is weird right now.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Talking About My Obsessions...
I am slowly dreaming about each of the Avengers.
It started with a semi-weird dream about me dating Hawkeye. We were at some kind of family get together, and I just knew (the way you do in dreams) that he was my boyfriend. It was nice. Ace didn't care.
Then, I had a dream where I was making plans to spend the afternoon flirting and texting with Bruce Banner. He had a sweet, shy smile on his face. It was adorable.
Last night, I went on an adventure with Captain America. We were trying to rescue somebody (Bucky Barnes, maybe). It was the least romantic of my dreams about the Avengers.
I'm seriously not sure what is going to happen next. But I'm sure I'll dream about Thor, Iron Man, and the Black Widow at some point. I'm a bit obsessed with them when I'm awake, so it's just a matter of time before they invade my dreams.
Do I need help?
It started with a semi-weird dream about me dating Hawkeye. We were at some kind of family get together, and I just knew (the way you do in dreams) that he was my boyfriend. It was nice. Ace didn't care.
Then, I had a dream where I was making plans to spend the afternoon flirting and texting with Bruce Banner. He had a sweet, shy smile on his face. It was adorable.
Last night, I went on an adventure with Captain America. We were trying to rescue somebody (Bucky Barnes, maybe). It was the least romantic of my dreams about the Avengers.
I'm seriously not sure what is going to happen next. But I'm sure I'll dream about Thor, Iron Man, and the Black Widow at some point. I'm a bit obsessed with them when I'm awake, so it's just a matter of time before they invade my dreams.
Do I need help?
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
I Am Slightly Obessed with Introversion Right Now
Okay, because my brain is obsessed with the introvert thing, and because I am currently waiting (somewhat impatiently) for Ace to drive here from NW Arkansas for us to start the whole moving our stuff around and getting me settled in with my dad for roughly the next month, I am going to talk about how cool my parents actually were when raising me. It's one of the few things I can say that was absolutely positive about my mom. Relish that, because I do.
My parents did not actually push me to be more outgoing (other than to push past that crippling shyness thing). They let me stay home and play with Barbies or read or play with Legos or whatever other thing I was interested in doing. I'm sure there was probably some part of them wondering if I should have more friends, but they let me be me.
I was never asked to be something besides myself when it came to daily interaction with the world. I was left to be my introverted self. And that was great. There was no one trying to get me to change. No one trying to tell me that my personal preference to be at home most of the time was wrong or unusual or not healthy. I was allowed to be myself and flourish in my own unique style.
I'd like to think it's because my parents are a bit more introverted. My mom seems to be. My dad seems more like an ambivert (in the middle between introverted and extroverted). It seems to have helped them be accepting of my own personal desire to have lots of time alone.
Oddly, time with Ace has never felt draining. Which is great, because I like spending time with him. This is actually great for both of us, as we are both introverts and both feel the same about our time together not being draining. Which will be really nice on a truck, as we won't really be able to get away from each other.
So, yeah. Nicely, I have not had some of the problems that other introverts have. Because my parents didn't try to force change on me. And for that, I am truly grateful. It's nice to be able to say something positive about my mom.
My parents did not actually push me to be more outgoing (other than to push past that crippling shyness thing). They let me stay home and play with Barbies or read or play with Legos or whatever other thing I was interested in doing. I'm sure there was probably some part of them wondering if I should have more friends, but they let me be me.
I was never asked to be something besides myself when it came to daily interaction with the world. I was left to be my introverted self. And that was great. There was no one trying to get me to change. No one trying to tell me that my personal preference to be at home most of the time was wrong or unusual or not healthy. I was allowed to be myself and flourish in my own unique style.
I'd like to think it's because my parents are a bit more introverted. My mom seems to be. My dad seems more like an ambivert (in the middle between introverted and extroverted). It seems to have helped them be accepting of my own personal desire to have lots of time alone.
Oddly, time with Ace has never felt draining. Which is great, because I like spending time with him. This is actually great for both of us, as we are both introverts and both feel the same about our time together not being draining. Which will be really nice on a truck, as we won't really be able to get away from each other.
So, yeah. Nicely, I have not had some of the problems that other introverts have. Because my parents didn't try to force change on me. And for that, I am truly grateful. It's nice to be able to say something positive about my mom.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Introvert and Shy
I'm sure, if I searched my archives, I'd find where I've talked about this before. But I'm somewhat lazy and I don't want to search to see what I've said about it in the past.
Here's a not so deep or dark confession: I am an introvert. Shocking, I know. I have a blog, where I post anonymously, and over-share sometimes. Who would have pegged a person to do that as an introvert? (Okay, everybody probably would.)
In addition to being an introvert, I am sometimes shy. There is a difference. I know when it's shyness who suddenly rears it's head. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and like people are going to judge me harshly for doing basically anything other than leaving. Shyness sucks. It makes being around people painful for no adequate reason.
Being an introvert means that I prefer to stay home. It means I prefer to be quiet. It means that I have more energy when I'm not around people. It means that I prefer groups of two or three. I feel like you can have a party with 4 people. It means that I can go to larger gatherings, and I'll feel tired after about 2 hours and be ready to go home. Even if I'm having a good time.
Being an introvert can mean having a lack of social skills, but not always. I can usually handle myself fairly well in social situations. Not perfectly, because I can be awkward even without my shyness kicking in. But, in general, I am fairly decent at making small talk (I don't love it, but I can do it).
I'm not sure if it's shyness or introversion that has me posting anonymously. It's probably some part of each one.
I know that no one is a pure introvert or extrovert. I am strongly, solidly, in the introvert column. I almost always hate being in the spot light. Almost always. There are exceptions, but they are rare. Most of them include only being around family.
There is plenty of information out there about introverts. I urge everyone to look and find out more about us. If you are an introvert, it'll help you understand yourself. If you are an extrovert, it'll help you understand the introverts in your life (and yes, you do have some in your life, somewhere).
I'm sure I'll be back with more info about introverts. It's a subject that interests me. Things like: Introverts prefer to write to communicate. That right there explains so much about my life. So much.
Here's a not so deep or dark confession: I am an introvert. Shocking, I know. I have a blog, where I post anonymously, and over-share sometimes. Who would have pegged a person to do that as an introvert? (Okay, everybody probably would.)
In addition to being an introvert, I am sometimes shy. There is a difference. I know when it's shyness who suddenly rears it's head. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and like people are going to judge me harshly for doing basically anything other than leaving. Shyness sucks. It makes being around people painful for no adequate reason.
Being an introvert means that I prefer to stay home. It means I prefer to be quiet. It means that I have more energy when I'm not around people. It means that I prefer groups of two or three. I feel like you can have a party with 4 people. It means that I can go to larger gatherings, and I'll feel tired after about 2 hours and be ready to go home. Even if I'm having a good time.
Being an introvert can mean having a lack of social skills, but not always. I can usually handle myself fairly well in social situations. Not perfectly, because I can be awkward even without my shyness kicking in. But, in general, I am fairly decent at making small talk (I don't love it, but I can do it).
I'm not sure if it's shyness or introversion that has me posting anonymously. It's probably some part of each one.
I know that no one is a pure introvert or extrovert. I am strongly, solidly, in the introvert column. I almost always hate being in the spot light. Almost always. There are exceptions, but they are rare. Most of them include only being around family.
There is plenty of information out there about introverts. I urge everyone to look and find out more about us. If you are an introvert, it'll help you understand yourself. If you are an extrovert, it'll help you understand the introverts in your life (and yes, you do have some in your life, somewhere).
I'm sure I'll be back with more info about introverts. It's a subject that interests me. Things like: Introverts prefer to write to communicate. That right there explains so much about my life. So much.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Success!
I did post 30 bits of fiction in 30 days. I only wish I had gotten some feedback from someone other than myself. Because I'm not 100% sure that my liking something I wrote indicates it's good or if it indicates that I just like that particular thing.
So, if anyone wants to give me any feedback, I'll be happy to read it.
And now I'll go back to writing about what's going on with my life. Although, occasionally I may post some fiction in the future. If I find myself wanting to.
And now I need to go eat some lunch. Because I've skipped enough meals this year.
Depression sucks (especially when it causes me to skip meals, for weeks/months). I'm glad I'm moving past how badly is sucked me in this year. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I may not ever.
And I'm looking forward to moving soon.
So, if anyone wants to give me any feedback, I'll be happy to read it.
And now I'll go back to writing about what's going on with my life. Although, occasionally I may post some fiction in the future. If I find myself wanting to.
And now I need to go eat some lunch. Because I've skipped enough meals this year.
Depression sucks (especially when it causes me to skip meals, for weeks/months). I'm glad I'm moving past how badly is sucked me in this year. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I may not ever.
And I'm looking forward to moving soon.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Christmas Songs
"Why are there some songs that are sung as Christmas songs every year when they have nothing to do with Christmas? I can think of one that barely has to do with winter!" Susan said.
"What are you talking about?" Arthur asked.
"My Favorite Things is a song that barely references winter, but it is played every year like it's a Christmas song. Baby, It's Cold Outside is obviously about winter, but it's not about Christmas specifically. Winter Wonderland is another song about winter, but not about Christmas. And yet, the only times we hear these songs is at Christmas. Why?" Susan asked.
"Because we don't usually have winter songs?" Arthur said questioningly. "I don't know. What brought this up?"
"I was just thinking about Christmas songs, since Christmas is coming up. And I realized that I like these songs, but they aren't specifically Christmas songs. I gave Frosty the Snowman a pass because his show includes a bit about him being made of Christmas snow, but his song doesn't mention anything Christmas-y either," Susan said.
"You think way too much," Arthur said.
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Susan's question is bugging me. Why do we have Christmas songs that aren't really Christmas songs?
I definitely think too much sometimes.
I'd like to thank Ace for giving me character names today. He is currently interested in The Tick apparently. (When I first asked for a guy's name, he said The Tick, so I'm not basing it just off of the names Arthur and Susan.) I love my sweet, silly husband.
"What are you talking about?" Arthur asked.
"My Favorite Things is a song that barely references winter, but it is played every year like it's a Christmas song. Baby, It's Cold Outside is obviously about winter, but it's not about Christmas specifically. Winter Wonderland is another song about winter, but not about Christmas. And yet, the only times we hear these songs is at Christmas. Why?" Susan asked.
"Because we don't usually have winter songs?" Arthur said questioningly. "I don't know. What brought this up?"
"I was just thinking about Christmas songs, since Christmas is coming up. And I realized that I like these songs, but they aren't specifically Christmas songs. I gave Frosty the Snowman a pass because his show includes a bit about him being made of Christmas snow, but his song doesn't mention anything Christmas-y either," Susan said.
"You think way too much," Arthur said.
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Susan's question is bugging me. Why do we have Christmas songs that aren't really Christmas songs?
I definitely think too much sometimes.
I'd like to thank Ace for giving me character names today. He is currently interested in The Tick apparently. (When I first asked for a guy's name, he said The Tick, so I'm not basing it just off of the names Arthur and Susan.) I love my sweet, silly husband.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
You Need to Eat
"You need to eat. It's been 13 hours since you last ate, so you need to eat."
"I ate two hours ago."
"You had an apple slice. That doesn't count as eating. You barely noticed you put food in your mouth. You've been living on coffee and sugar too much lately. You need to eat a meal and then you need to go to bed."
"But I'm almost done with this."
"One, you will do whatever you are doing better with food and rest. Two, I know you will find something else to work on when you've almost finished that if I let you just continue on. And three, you look like you are about to collapse into a pile on the floor while you are just sitting there."
"Seriously, 5 more minutes and I'll be done."
"You say 5 minutes, but we both know if I go I'll find you here in 5 hours still working."
"But-"
"I am not above dragging you out of here."
"But-"
"I'm glad your chair has wheels. Here we go, off to find food and a bed."
"But-"
"You asked me to help you stay healthy. This is for your own good."
"Fine. But I don't have to like it."
"I never said you did."
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I'd like to thank writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "You need to eat." I have found that I seem to like characters (that other people have written) that are sarcastic and need someone to make sure they actually eat and sleep from time to time. I'm not quite sure why, other than I'm a bit sarcastic (less so than I used to be) and occasionally need someone to make sure I eat and sleep.
Oh my word, I'm Sherlock Homes and Tony Stark without the contributions to society.
No one tell Ace he deserves someone better (given that he usually is the one to feed me and tell me to go to sleep). I know he does, but if we don't tell him maybe he'll let me keep him. I'm kind of selfish that way.
"I ate two hours ago."
"You had an apple slice. That doesn't count as eating. You barely noticed you put food in your mouth. You've been living on coffee and sugar too much lately. You need to eat a meal and then you need to go to bed."
"But I'm almost done with this."
"One, you will do whatever you are doing better with food and rest. Two, I know you will find something else to work on when you've almost finished that if I let you just continue on. And three, you look like you are about to collapse into a pile on the floor while you are just sitting there."
"Seriously, 5 more minutes and I'll be done."
"You say 5 minutes, but we both know if I go I'll find you here in 5 hours still working."
"But-"
"I am not above dragging you out of here."
"But-"
"I'm glad your chair has wheels. Here we go, off to find food and a bed."
"But-"
"You asked me to help you stay healthy. This is for your own good."
"Fine. But I don't have to like it."
"I never said you did."
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I'd like to thank writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "You need to eat." I have found that I seem to like characters (that other people have written) that are sarcastic and need someone to make sure they actually eat and sleep from time to time. I'm not quite sure why, other than I'm a bit sarcastic (less so than I used to be) and occasionally need someone to make sure I eat and sleep.
Oh my word, I'm Sherlock Homes and Tony Stark without the contributions to society.
No one tell Ace he deserves someone better (given that he usually is the one to feed me and tell me to go to sleep). I know he does, but if we don't tell him maybe he'll let me keep him. I'm kind of selfish that way.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Poetry
The words pour out of the pen and onto the paper almost effortlessly. It's like they had been waiting to be written. And the poem is half finished before the author fully realized why they were writing it.
Later, when the words couldn't be forced out, the author wondered why it had been so easy earlier. Was it the circumstances? Was it boredom? Was it random inspiration? Why had those words been so clear then and now they hid away? And the most important question of all: would it happen again?
Of course, it happened again. With the same questions popping up afterwards. And again. And again. With no fully discernible pattern. But that didn't stop the author from loving the times the words came and the emptying of feelings being poured out with the words. It was healing.
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I am not a huge fan of poetry in general (somehow, it's just not my favorite thing to read), but sometimes I seem to have some poem that flows out of me. And each line comes right after the last, with only a minor effort occasionally to fix something that doesn't seem to be working. And when I finish writing it, I feel better.
I guess most of my writing is somewhat cathartic. At least the writing that seems to flow the easiest. And that's probably the best thing for me.
Later, when the words couldn't be forced out, the author wondered why it had been so easy earlier. Was it the circumstances? Was it boredom? Was it random inspiration? Why had those words been so clear then and now they hid away? And the most important question of all: would it happen again?
Of course, it happened again. With the same questions popping up afterwards. And again. And again. With no fully discernible pattern. But that didn't stop the author from loving the times the words came and the emptying of feelings being poured out with the words. It was healing.
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I am not a huge fan of poetry in general (somehow, it's just not my favorite thing to read), but sometimes I seem to have some poem that flows out of me. And each line comes right after the last, with only a minor effort occasionally to fix something that doesn't seem to be working. And when I finish writing it, I feel better.
I guess most of my writing is somewhat cathartic. At least the writing that seems to flow the easiest. And that's probably the best thing for me.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Different Mistakes
She had hope that she wouldn't make the same mistakes her mother had made when raising her own children. She had no illusions that she wouldn't make mistakes. She had wanted to laugh when her own beloved husband had proclaimed how they would raise their children when they were in public, because she knew that things were not always that simple.
But she wanted to make different choices than her own mother made. She didn't want her children to ever feel like they weren't good enough, if she could help it. She didn't want them to feel like they were broken. Because she knew how much that could haunt a person.
But she wondered if her best intentions would overcome how she was raised.
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Is there a way to not mess up with your kids? Somehow, I doubt there is. Guess that is part of being human.
But she wanted to make different choices than her own mother made. She didn't want her children to ever feel like they weren't good enough, if she could help it. She didn't want them to feel like they were broken. Because she knew how much that could haunt a person.
But she wondered if her best intentions would overcome how she was raised.
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Is there a way to not mess up with your kids? Somehow, I doubt there is. Guess that is part of being human.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Leaving
He closed the door to the house behind him. He had sold, given away, or packed everything that had made up his life there. It was time to move on to somewhere he felt the changes he wanted to make would be accepted.
He knew that the people here loved him and he loved them, but he also knew they wouldn't be able to understand how he wanted to live his life. He would come back to visit, but it was time to follow his dreams.
He glanced back at the house in his rear view mirror as he pulled away. He was sad to leave, but he knew he would be happier in the long run.
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Today's story was inspired by the song "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. I don't have words to explain how much that song has struck home with me at various times. And given that I'm about to move and then I'll be joining Ace in the truck, it's less surprising that I'd be writing about moving so much this month.
He knew that the people here loved him and he loved them, but he also knew they wouldn't be able to understand how he wanted to live his life. He would come back to visit, but it was time to follow his dreams.
He glanced back at the house in his rear view mirror as he pulled away. He was sad to leave, but he knew he would be happier in the long run.
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Today's story was inspired by the song "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. I don't have words to explain how much that song has struck home with me at various times. And given that I'm about to move and then I'll be joining Ace in the truck, it's less surprising that I'd be writing about moving so much this month.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
The Cake Is a Pie
"The cake is a pie," Shelly said. "I know it's called cheesecake, but it's obviously a pie. It has a crust. Cakes do not have crusts."
"The word cake is in the name. It's a cake," Jack argued. "If they called it cheesecake, it must be a cake of cheese. You don't name something cheesecake and make a sour cream pie."
"You are both wrong," Hank said as he stood in the doorway observing the pair. "It's really more of a custard. Alton Brown proved it. The pie is a lie."
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This was inspired by the line in Portal "The cake is a lie." My brain decided that the line suddenly needed to be the cake is a pie. Maybe I just need to lay off desserts for a while?
"The word cake is in the name. It's a cake," Jack argued. "If they called it cheesecake, it must be a cake of cheese. You don't name something cheesecake and make a sour cream pie."
"You are both wrong," Hank said as he stood in the doorway observing the pair. "It's really more of a custard. Alton Brown proved it. The pie is a lie."
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This was inspired by the line in Portal "The cake is a lie." My brain decided that the line suddenly needed to be the cake is a pie. Maybe I just need to lay off desserts for a while?
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Soon
Dear Mark,
Do you know how much I love you? How can you when I've never been able to tell you? It almost hurts sometimes, because I'm just bursting with love for you. I can't contain it all. And it brings a smile to my face.
I miss you terribly when we are apart. I don't feel whole. I feel like I'm missing half of myself. And being apart hurts. You can't just split yourself in half without feeling pain. But what you are doing is important. I could never ask you to do something different just because I don't like being apart right now. Especially when I know it's for such a short time in the bigger picture of life. But I do miss you. Terribly.
There are times I almost forget that you aren't here. I want to show you something on my computer or tell you some stupid story that, if you were here, you would have been there for. I want to share these things, and then remember that I can't. Not right now. And I remind myself that soon we will be creating new stories together. Soon.
I'm beginning to dislike the word soon. But I know that I won't be saying it much longer.
I love you, my dear sweetheart. I love you so much. Words cannot express it. I love you with every beat of my heart and every breath that I take.
See you soon,
Sally
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I miss Ace. But I'll get to see him again soon.
Do you know how much I love you? How can you when I've never been able to tell you? It almost hurts sometimes, because I'm just bursting with love for you. I can't contain it all. And it brings a smile to my face.
I miss you terribly when we are apart. I don't feel whole. I feel like I'm missing half of myself. And being apart hurts. You can't just split yourself in half without feeling pain. But what you are doing is important. I could never ask you to do something different just because I don't like being apart right now. Especially when I know it's for such a short time in the bigger picture of life. But I do miss you. Terribly.
There are times I almost forget that you aren't here. I want to show you something on my computer or tell you some stupid story that, if you were here, you would have been there for. I want to share these things, and then remember that I can't. Not right now. And I remind myself that soon we will be creating new stories together. Soon.
I'm beginning to dislike the word soon. But I know that I won't be saying it much longer.
I love you, my dear sweetheart. I love you so much. Words cannot express it. I love you with every beat of my heart and every breath that I take.
See you soon,
Sally
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I miss Ace. But I'll get to see him again soon.
Friday, November 23, 2012
A Cheerful Heart
He tried to be cheerful. He tried hard to continually be cheerful, because he knew that it would help him stay healthier. He tried to not be bitter or hateful. He tried to let go of his anger and focus on the good things in his life.
But there were times when that seemed impossible. Times when he would cry and hurt. Times when he felt like his heart was breaking. Times when he was just so tired. He was ready for a vacation during times like that.
Sometimes, he wondered if people could see through his cheerfulness, when it was a facade. He wondered if they could see how tired he was, how much he hurt. He wondered if anyone bothered to look past the surface. He tried to not dwell on all the things he had lost, instead he tried to focus on all the things he had.
Sometimes, he felt lost inside his own skin and inside his own head. And he just wanted to find someone who understood.
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I think I've just about written myself back into depression. That was so not my intention. I was trying to do something upbeat and positive, based on Proverbs 17:22 ("A cheerful heart is a good medicine; but a broken spirit drieth up the bones." - American Standard Version). So, yeah.
But there were times when that seemed impossible. Times when he would cry and hurt. Times when he felt like his heart was breaking. Times when he was just so tired. He was ready for a vacation during times like that.
Sometimes, he wondered if people could see through his cheerfulness, when it was a facade. He wondered if they could see how tired he was, how much he hurt. He wondered if anyone bothered to look past the surface. He tried to not dwell on all the things he had lost, instead he tried to focus on all the things he had.
Sometimes, he felt lost inside his own skin and inside his own head. And he just wanted to find someone who understood.
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I think I've just about written myself back into depression. That was so not my intention. I was trying to do something upbeat and positive, based on Proverbs 17:22 ("A cheerful heart is a good medicine; but a broken spirit drieth up the bones." - American Standard Version). So, yeah.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving
In addition to my NaBloPoMo post, I wanted to post to say Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. If you are traveling this weekend, I hope you stay safe and watch out for animals. One person I care having a near run in with a deer is enough for me. And I do care.
I hope that you get to celebrate with people you love. I wish I was getting to celebrate with my loved ones. Unfortunately, I am celebrating with Ace's family (on Saturday). This provides a conundrum as I am not feeling particularly thankful for that celebration. How does one celebrate being thankful when one is not feeling thankful?
This is the first year I've had to celebrate with Ace's family without Ace being here. In fact, this is the first celebration I've had without Ace since we've been married. I miss him greatly, and I am looking forward to joining him soon. Hopefully I will get to relax while spending the rest of the holiday season with my dad and step-mom.
Anyway, I hope you have a safe and happy holiday if you are celebrating Thanksgiving. And if you aren't, I hope you have a safe and happy day. I hope that for everyday for everyone.
I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. If you are traveling this weekend, I hope you stay safe and watch out for animals. One person I care having a near run in with a deer is enough for me. And I do care.
I hope that you get to celebrate with people you love. I wish I was getting to celebrate with my loved ones. Unfortunately, I am celebrating with Ace's family (on Saturday). This provides a conundrum as I am not feeling particularly thankful for that celebration. How does one celebrate being thankful when one is not feeling thankful?
This is the first year I've had to celebrate with Ace's family without Ace being here. In fact, this is the first celebration I've had without Ace since we've been married. I miss him greatly, and I am looking forward to joining him soon. Hopefully I will get to relax while spending the rest of the holiday season with my dad and step-mom.
Anyway, I hope you have a safe and happy holiday if you are celebrating Thanksgiving. And if you aren't, I hope you have a safe and happy day. I hope that for everyday for everyone.
Loki's Problems
"Loki always wanted to be Thor's equal, or at least that's what he said," John said. "Why doesn't he notice that Thor always thought of him as an equal?"
"Because sometimes it's hard to see what is right in front of your face," Mary said. "And just because someone sees you as their equal doesn't mean everyone else does."
"Did he even notice how much Thor loves him? How much fighting Loki seems to hurt Thor?" Sally asked.
"People don't always see what is right in front of their eyes. Sometimes they are too close to a situation," Mary said. "Sometimes someone needs to tell them in order for them to see it."
"I wish Loki had someone to tell him these things. Maybe then he'd hurt less," John said.
"Me too," Mary said.
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Okay, I have a been wondering about Loki not seeing what is kind of clear in Thor (the stuff about how much Thor loves him and sees him as an equal), so this is me trying to answer my own questions. And I think a lot of the movie (and from what I can tell, a lot of The Avengers) would have been changed if Odin had been more honest and a better parent. I take my superhero movies way too seriously sometimes.
"Because sometimes it's hard to see what is right in front of your face," Mary said. "And just because someone sees you as their equal doesn't mean everyone else does."
"Did he even notice how much Thor loves him? How much fighting Loki seems to hurt Thor?" Sally asked.
"People don't always see what is right in front of their eyes. Sometimes they are too close to a situation," Mary said. "Sometimes someone needs to tell them in order for them to see it."
"I wish Loki had someone to tell him these things. Maybe then he'd hurt less," John said.
"Me too," Mary said.
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Okay, I have a been wondering about Loki not seeing what is kind of clear in Thor (the stuff about how much Thor loves him and sees him as an equal), so this is me trying to answer my own questions. And I think a lot of the movie (and from what I can tell, a lot of The Avengers) would have been changed if Odin had been more honest and a better parent. I take my superhero movies way too seriously sometimes.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Nightmare
The nightmare slowly scared her awake. She'd have liked it if she had woken earlier, before the dream had gotten scary, while it had just been weird. But she had apparently been too tired for that to happen. As it was, when she did wake up she was still so tired that she wanted to just go back to sleep.
Even as she was falling back to sleep, part of her mind protested. She had just had a bad dream. How did she know she wouldn't fall back into it. But exhaustion was tugging hard.
She turned the TV on for background noise and allowed herself to be pulled back into sleep. Hopefully that would be enough to keep the nightmares at bay. And she slept, deeply and peacefully.
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Nightmares suck. And that's really all I have to say about that.
Even as she was falling back to sleep, part of her mind protested. She had just had a bad dream. How did she know she wouldn't fall back into it. But exhaustion was tugging hard.
She turned the TV on for background noise and allowed herself to be pulled back into sleep. Hopefully that would be enough to keep the nightmares at bay. And she slept, deeply and peacefully.
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Nightmares suck. And that's really all I have to say about that.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Ballet
As she watched the ballet dancers performing, she pulled out her paper and pencil so she could sketch. She wanted to capture the curved lines of the dancers' bodies. She wanted to show the gracefulness and beauty. She looked back and forth between the dancers and the pictures forming on her paper. She figured she would make a larger, more coherent picture after she was back home.
And while she did eventually make that picture, she liked her quick little sketches because of the fluidity. And she was glad she hadn't stifled her urge to draw.
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The idea of someone wanting to draw a ballet dancer wouldn't leave my head. So, here's a quick story about it.
And while she did eventually make that picture, she liked her quick little sketches because of the fluidity. And she was glad she hadn't stifled her urge to draw.
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The idea of someone wanting to draw a ballet dancer wouldn't leave my head. So, here's a quick story about it.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Good Enough
"The hardest part is figuring out how to let go of the parts that tell you that you aren't good enough. Because everyone always feels like they aren't good enough. That feeling, the one that holds you back, that is how all the people around you feel too. Cut that feeling out and stop letting it hold you back."
Noah rolled his eyes at the self-help non-sense that was playing throughout the shop. It's not that he thought the advice was completely wrong, but he doubted that everyone always feels like that. In fact, he knew there were times he had felt good enough.
"The hardest part is to ignore the part that says I'm not good enough and act," Noah said to himself. "I bet Captain America never feels like he's not good enough."
"I'll bet Cap felt like he let people down and that he wasn't good enough plenty of times," said a stranger with blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile. "He lost men, good men, and that means he felt like he messed up too. But he got up and focused on what he could do to keep from losing more men. Because that's what you do, when you feel like you aren't good enough. You do the best you can."
"Steve, are you coming?" a dark haired man asked.
"I'll be there in a minute," Steve said. "Tell Tony that his project can wait an extra five minutes, Bruce."
Bruce rolled his eyes but turned and left to go relay the message.
Steve turned back to Noah and asked, "Does that help you any?"
Noah replied, "Yeah, thanks. Hey, how did you know all that about Captain America?"
Steve just smiled and shook his head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you, kid."
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I've been spending a bit too much time reading Avengers fan fiction, I think.
I don't know that we all feel like we aren't good enough all the time, but I know we all feel that at least part of the time. And we need to do better teaching our kids that even if they make mistakes, they are still good enough.
Noah rolled his eyes at the self-help non-sense that was playing throughout the shop. It's not that he thought the advice was completely wrong, but he doubted that everyone always feels like that. In fact, he knew there were times he had felt good enough.
"The hardest part is to ignore the part that says I'm not good enough and act," Noah said to himself. "I bet Captain America never feels like he's not good enough."
"I'll bet Cap felt like he let people down and that he wasn't good enough plenty of times," said a stranger with blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile. "He lost men, good men, and that means he felt like he messed up too. But he got up and focused on what he could do to keep from losing more men. Because that's what you do, when you feel like you aren't good enough. You do the best you can."
"Steve, are you coming?" a dark haired man asked.
"I'll be there in a minute," Steve said. "Tell Tony that his project can wait an extra five minutes, Bruce."
Bruce rolled his eyes but turned and left to go relay the message.
Steve turned back to Noah and asked, "Does that help you any?"
Noah replied, "Yeah, thanks. Hey, how did you know all that about Captain America?"
Steve just smiled and shook his head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you, kid."
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I've been spending a bit too much time reading Avengers fan fiction, I think.
I don't know that we all feel like we aren't good enough all the time, but I know we all feel that at least part of the time. And we need to do better teaching our kids that even if they make mistakes, they are still good enough.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Packing Up
As he packed up the various bits and sundry that made up his life, he wondered what the future held in store. He had plenty of time to pack before he was leaving, but he didn't want to leave things to the last minute. And it gave him time to figure out what to do with one or two things that he wasn't sure about yet.
As his space became emptier, except for the boxes, he wondered how he had accumulated so much stuff in such a short time frame. At least he knew that he could take all the important stuff with him. The books were paramount. The paperwork that filled his desk was important. The other bits and pieces made life more enjoyable, but weren't necessary.
When it was all packed up, he let out a sigh. That was one thing done. And now to move it into storage until he was settled again.
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I've been packing up stuff lately. Does it show? I've got pretty much everything packed, except what I need for the next couple of weeks until it goes into storage. Moving day will likely include a couple of last minute additions to the packed stuff (things I need now, but won't then).
As his space became emptier, except for the boxes, he wondered how he had accumulated so much stuff in such a short time frame. At least he knew that he could take all the important stuff with him. The books were paramount. The paperwork that filled his desk was important. The other bits and pieces made life more enjoyable, but weren't necessary.
When it was all packed up, he let out a sigh. That was one thing done. And now to move it into storage until he was settled again.
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I've been packing up stuff lately. Does it show? I've got pretty much everything packed, except what I need for the next couple of weeks until it goes into storage. Moving day will likely include a couple of last minute additions to the packed stuff (things I need now, but won't then).
Saturday, November 17, 2012
The Couple
From the outside, it didn't look like they had much to keep the marriage together. They were struggling financially and their personalities seemed either too opposite or similar depending on the day. Neither liked the other's family. Everything seemed stacked against them.
But what people didn't realize is that those things that looked like they would rip the relationship apart just brought them closer together. They worked together on a budget to pay all their bills. They talked about the things that they disagreed on until they found points of compromise. They enjoyed the things they had in common. They didn't spend a lot of time with extended family. They stacked their deck to make themselves the winners.
They struggled. All people have some struggles, and all marriages have problems. They disagreed and made mistakes. They talked and talked and talked until it was natural to just talk about everything. They forgave each other. They fixed what they could and made adjustments for what they couldn't.
And when they'd survived things that would have broken other marriages, they knew it was because they had so much respect for their relationship and each other. And they smiled at each other as other people wondered how it was done.
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This is a bit less fictional that a lot of my stuff has been this month. I think I'm okay with that though.
But what people didn't realize is that those things that looked like they would rip the relationship apart just brought them closer together. They worked together on a budget to pay all their bills. They talked about the things that they disagreed on until they found points of compromise. They enjoyed the things they had in common. They didn't spend a lot of time with extended family. They stacked their deck to make themselves the winners.
They struggled. All people have some struggles, and all marriages have problems. They disagreed and made mistakes. They talked and talked and talked until it was natural to just talk about everything. They forgave each other. They fixed what they could and made adjustments for what they couldn't.
And when they'd survived things that would have broken other marriages, they knew it was because they had so much respect for their relationship and each other. And they smiled at each other as other people wondered how it was done.
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This is a bit less fictional that a lot of my stuff has been this month. I think I'm okay with that though.
Friday, November 16, 2012
The Kiss
He had barely done more than just press his lips against hers. There was nothing about that kiss that suggested that it would be special or important. And yet, 5 minutes after it happened, she could swear she could still feel his lips.
She pressed her fingers to her lips and smiled. She could hardly wait for the next kiss to see if it would feel the same.
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I think I've spent a bit too long without my husband around.
She pressed her fingers to her lips and smiled. She could hardly wait for the next kiss to see if it would feel the same.
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I think I've spent a bit too long without my husband around.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Dear Jean
Dear Jean,
I'll never understand how things got like this. One day, we were a close, loving family and it seems like the next we were so far from each other. Where did all the anger and hurt come from?
My biggest concern is the children. I don't want them to think that any relationship they get in will be like this. I don't want them to fear loving people. And I don't know how to fix this.
I know I came to this relationship a bit broken. I was honest with you from the start about how I felt and when things bothered me. I tried to mend my broken pieces and leave my past in the past. I tried my hardest to keep working on our relationship, even when it seemed like you were giving up.
I don't blame you for this ending. It was a combination of factors, and one of the biggest was my inability to get past some of my hang ups. I don't blame you for not wanting to drag this on. It's not been fair to you or the children, the things I've put you through.
Please, do me a favor. Learn to love someone else. Don't let our children be as broken as I am. I'll do my best to explain to them why I'm broken and that they shouldn't look to me for how a successful relationship should go. Please be a good example for them.
I'll always love you.
Sincerely,
Dave
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Not quite 100% sure where this came from. But here it is.
I'll never understand how things got like this. One day, we were a close, loving family and it seems like the next we were so far from each other. Where did all the anger and hurt come from?
My biggest concern is the children. I don't want them to think that any relationship they get in will be like this. I don't want them to fear loving people. And I don't know how to fix this.
I know I came to this relationship a bit broken. I was honest with you from the start about how I felt and when things bothered me. I tried to mend my broken pieces and leave my past in the past. I tried my hardest to keep working on our relationship, even when it seemed like you were giving up.
I don't blame you for this ending. It was a combination of factors, and one of the biggest was my inability to get past some of my hang ups. I don't blame you for not wanting to drag this on. It's not been fair to you or the children, the things I've put you through.
Please, do me a favor. Learn to love someone else. Don't let our children be as broken as I am. I'll do my best to explain to them why I'm broken and that they shouldn't look to me for how a successful relationship should go. Please be a good example for them.
I'll always love you.
Sincerely,
Dave
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Not quite 100% sure where this came from. But here it is.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Gentle
To look at him, with his big muscles, you would hardly think that the best word to describe him was gentle. But he was. His hands may be large, but he was careful when cupping them around things. It was almost like he was so afraid to accidentally hurt something that he went overboard with his gentleness.
Which is not to say that he never used those muscles. He was protective and willing to stop someone from hurting people, especially those he loved. And he used them to move furniture around as favors to family, friends, neighbors, and occasionally little old ladies.
It was always more obvious how gentle he was when he cupped his hands around babies, to carefully lift them up and coo at them. He almost looked like a big kid, his grin so big. He would carefully tuck them into the crook of his elbow and gently, tenderly, stroke their faces as if the touch would help him learn their delicate features.
And everyone who ever saw him cradling a baby had the same statement; "I never expected him to be so gentle."
She always just smiled at them and said, "No one ever does."
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I was reading something about someone being unexpectedly gentle (in an entirely different way, oddly enough) and inspiration struck.
Which is not to say that he never used those muscles. He was protective and willing to stop someone from hurting people, especially those he loved. And he used them to move furniture around as favors to family, friends, neighbors, and occasionally little old ladies.
It was always more obvious how gentle he was when he cupped his hands around babies, to carefully lift them up and coo at them. He almost looked like a big kid, his grin so big. He would carefully tuck them into the crook of his elbow and gently, tenderly, stroke their faces as if the touch would help him learn their delicate features.
And everyone who ever saw him cradling a baby had the same statement; "I never expected him to be so gentle."
She always just smiled at them and said, "No one ever does."
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I was reading something about someone being unexpectedly gentle (in an entirely different way, oddly enough) and inspiration struck.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The Artist
The urge to sketch, to fill a page with pictures, to draw what she sees is almost irresistible. However, she never feels comfortable with what she sees when she draws. It never looks quite right, quite like it does in her head. But that doesn't stop the urge.
Instead, she writes. Words are easier. They are easier to control. She writes and she likes writing. It makes her happy. It comforts her in ways that she didn't realize she needed comforting.
But it doesn't stop the urge to draw.
She knows that with practice she might be able to draw what's in her head. She might be able to be satisfied with her art. That just because it doesn't start the way she wants it to doesn't mean that it won't become that if she practices. But every time she's tried, she suddenly can't think of what to draw. Or she can't find a reference for what she wants to draw.
Eventually, she decides that it doesn't matter if she can't find a reference. She should just start and draw what is in her head. Keep practicing until she gets it right. Keep adding detail and staying patient.
The day she showed off her art and got accolades, she is glad she never gave up.
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So, yeah. Cathartic fiction seems to be where I'm at.
Instead, she writes. Words are easier. They are easier to control. She writes and she likes writing. It makes her happy. It comforts her in ways that she didn't realize she needed comforting.
But it doesn't stop the urge to draw.
She knows that with practice she might be able to draw what's in her head. She might be able to be satisfied with her art. That just because it doesn't start the way she wants it to doesn't mean that it won't become that if she practices. But every time she's tried, she suddenly can't think of what to draw. Or she can't find a reference for what she wants to draw.
Eventually, she decides that it doesn't matter if she can't find a reference. She should just start and draw what is in her head. Keep practicing until she gets it right. Keep adding detail and staying patient.
The day she showed off her art and got accolades, she is glad she never gave up.
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So, yeah. Cathartic fiction seems to be where I'm at.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Young
As he held his daughter, their daughter, for the first time, he was in awe. He counted and re-counted her fingers and toes. He stared at her face, trying to memorize the details.
As he looked, he wondered, 'Was I ever this young?'
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I based this off the word young. The question at the end came first, and then I knew exactly how the rest would go.
As he looked, he wondered, 'Was I ever this young?'
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I based this off the word young. The question at the end came first, and then I knew exactly how the rest would go.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
The Vampire-Pirate Apocalypse of Doom
"Here's the idea: vampire-pirates sailing the high seas and fighting off zombie-ninjas. It'll be a great hit! What do you think?" Zach asked. Zach wanted to be a movie producer. Instead Zach was a convenience store clerk.
"How would the vampires survive on the high seas? They would have to be out during the day, which would kill them. They would have to find blood to suck, which might kill them if they go too long without. And how would the zombie-ninjas be of any use? Zombies don't exactly keep their smarts. And could zombies be stealthy enough to be ninjas? Do the zombies want to eat the vampires' brains?" Andy asked. Andy was content to be a convenience store clerk for now. He was still in high school, so he figured he had years to decide what to do for a living.
"The vampires would obviously have some humans on their ship to help steer it during the day and to have meals between their attacks on other ships. Attacking people at night gives them a great advantage too, no one would expect it. Except the zombie-ninjas. And these are special zombies, they still have higher reasoning powers. They can walk quietly. They aren't rotting corpses. And yes they want the vampire-pirates' brains. All zombies, even the smart ones, want brains!" Zach explained.
"I still don't think that it's going to work. Are zombies and vampires even enemies? I know that ninjas and pirates are, but zombies and vampires?" Andy asked.
"They are two different types of undead things, of course they are enemies," Zach said. "I've even got the perfect title."
"Well, what is it?" Andy asked.
"The Vampire-Pirate Apocalypse of Doom," Zach said.
"Well, the title is great, but I'm still not sure about the rest of it," Andy said. "Maybe it'll grow on me."
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Yesterday, I talked with a friend about writing and not feeling inspired. He suggested writing about zombie-vampires (or vampire-zombies). This actually inspired me at least a little bit. We talked a bit more about the idea of vampire pirates and that their enemy would be zombie ninjas. So, that conversation sparked the idea for this. Thanks, Battle!
"How would the vampires survive on the high seas? They would have to be out during the day, which would kill them. They would have to find blood to suck, which might kill them if they go too long without. And how would the zombie-ninjas be of any use? Zombies don't exactly keep their smarts. And could zombies be stealthy enough to be ninjas? Do the zombies want to eat the vampires' brains?" Andy asked. Andy was content to be a convenience store clerk for now. He was still in high school, so he figured he had years to decide what to do for a living.
"The vampires would obviously have some humans on their ship to help steer it during the day and to have meals between their attacks on other ships. Attacking people at night gives them a great advantage too, no one would expect it. Except the zombie-ninjas. And these are special zombies, they still have higher reasoning powers. They can walk quietly. They aren't rotting corpses. And yes they want the vampire-pirates' brains. All zombies, even the smart ones, want brains!" Zach explained.
"I still don't think that it's going to work. Are zombies and vampires even enemies? I know that ninjas and pirates are, but zombies and vampires?" Andy asked.
"They are two different types of undead things, of course they are enemies," Zach said. "I've even got the perfect title."
"Well, what is it?" Andy asked.
"The Vampire-Pirate Apocalypse of Doom," Zach said.
"Well, the title is great, but I'm still not sure about the rest of it," Andy said. "Maybe it'll grow on me."
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Yesterday, I talked with a friend about writing and not feeling inspired. He suggested writing about zombie-vampires (or vampire-zombies). This actually inspired me at least a little bit. We talked a bit more about the idea of vampire pirates and that their enemy would be zombie ninjas. So, that conversation sparked the idea for this. Thanks, Battle!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Think
He kept finding himself thinking of her. At first, it was because she was so different. As time went by, he found himself thinking about how much they were alike. After their first kiss, all he could think was that he could still feel her lips pressed against his. He wished they could kiss forever.
When he was ready to propose, he realized that he had to tell himself to stop thinking, or he would never get the question asked. When she said yes, he kissed her before he could think about it. Then he realized that he would be able to kiss her like that forever.
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This post is based of the word think. Hopefully tomorrow my shoulder won't be hurting.
When he was ready to propose, he realized that he had to tell himself to stop thinking, or he would never get the question asked. When she said yes, he kissed her before he could think about it. Then he realized that he would be able to kiss her like that forever.
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This post is based of the word think. Hopefully tomorrow my shoulder won't be hurting.
Friday, November 9, 2012
It's the Vampires, I Tell You
All I want to do is sleep for the next week. And it seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I never feel rested for long. It could be because I am suddenly more active, it could be because of shifting sleep schedules, it could be because of hormones. But it's most likely because of the vampires.
Okay, let me explain this. See, I'm pretty sure there are vampires stalking me. Seriously out for my blood. I keep seeing strange marks on my skin, and I'm exhausted, and I seem to be getting paler. My mom says it's because I'm avoiding going outside that I'm getting paler, but wouldn't you avoid it if there were vampires after you?
I'm not even sure which type of vampires. Is it the Dracula type? And didn't Dracula die at the end of the book? Is it the Twilight type? Please tell me there aren't sparkly vampires after me! Is it the Buffy the Vampire Slayer type? Can someone get me her number so she can save me, no matter which type?
So, yeah. I'm pretty sure that there are vampires out to get me. And I'm thinking that's why I'm so tired, they are already drinking my blood. Or could it be because I'm not sleeping to look out for vampires who are trying to attack me?
Somebody send help!
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This is a product of my tired brain. I am working on packing up the room I'm staying in and it's tiring me out a lot, so I've been more tired lately. And apparently this has lead to thoughts of why someone might be tired, which lead to the idea of blood loss and vampires. My brain is a weird place sometimes.
Okay, let me explain this. See, I'm pretty sure there are vampires stalking me. Seriously out for my blood. I keep seeing strange marks on my skin, and I'm exhausted, and I seem to be getting paler. My mom says it's because I'm avoiding going outside that I'm getting paler, but wouldn't you avoid it if there were vampires after you?
I'm not even sure which type of vampires. Is it the Dracula type? And didn't Dracula die at the end of the book? Is it the Twilight type? Please tell me there aren't sparkly vampires after me! Is it the Buffy the Vampire Slayer type? Can someone get me her number so she can save me, no matter which type?
So, yeah. I'm pretty sure that there are vampires out to get me. And I'm thinking that's why I'm so tired, they are already drinking my blood. Or could it be because I'm not sleeping to look out for vampires who are trying to attack me?
Somebody send help!
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This is a product of my tired brain. I am working on packing up the room I'm staying in and it's tiring me out a lot, so I've been more tired lately. And apparently this has lead to thoughts of why someone might be tired, which lead to the idea of blood loss and vampires. My brain is a weird place sometimes.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Dance Lesson
Once things settled down and repairs to Serenity had been completed, Jayne finally had time to start wrapping his mind around the fact that River had killed a roomful of reavers while only getting a couple of scratches and a bruise or two that showed up two or three days after the fight had been over. Jayne didn’t normally spend a lot of time focusing his mind on anything but on cleaning his girls, but this whole situation required some reflection. It wasn’t often that you resign yourself to death, especially one as horrible as the way he was expecting to die, only to find you’ve been saved by a slip of a girl. He had seen how she fought in the Maidenhead. He’d felt how good she was with a knife back before Ariel, not that he liked to think on either incident. She had fought with a grace he found odd. He didn’t know that fighting could be so graceful. His fights, while not totally awkward, had never flowed quite as easily.
Jayne had noticed that River was spending time in the hold and it looked like fighting that she was doing. He wasn’t supposed to notice her, he didn’t think, but how could he avoid seeing her when he was exercising? He didn’t stare, he just occasionally observed after he finished his exercising. He would sit on his bench, taking deep breaths, and looked around the hold. When she came into his field of vision, he watched for a couple of minutes before going to the showers to get clean.
If Jayne had bothered to ask River would had told him that she was dancing for the first time in years, since they had started cutting her brain at The Academy. River had noticed that Jayne was watching her. While she was working on blocking out everyone’s thoughts, as much as she could, she still caught a lot more than she liked. She had, well heard is the best word she could come up with, heard Jayne thinking on her fighting technique. She had never given any thought to how her moves might look to someone else, she had just moved in an efficient manner for stopping her opponent. In fact, she hadn’t really given her moves much thought; she just knew where to punch next. She had also noticed that Kaylee sometimes sat on the staircase, watching her dance. She was considering asking Kaylee if she would like to learn how to do some simple dances.
The next time River decided to dance, she noticed Kaylee watching her again. She decided that it was the perfect opportunity to teach her best friend how to dance. She walked over to Kaylee and asked her if she was interested in doing more than watching River dancing. Kaylee nodded with a big smile lighting up her face. River patiently started showing Kaylee the moves to a waltz. Kaylee caught on quickly and River switched to teaching her how to do a simple jig.
Jayne had started toward the hold when he heard the sounds of laughter. He wondered what was causing it. As he got to the doorway, he saw Zoe standing on the cat walk, smiling like she had when Wash had been alive. Jayne figured that whatever was causing the laughter must be a good thing, if it got Zoe, who had been walking around in a funk since they buried the funny little man, to smile it had to be good.
When Jayne got to the cat walk, he looked down at the two girls dancing. He quickly turned around and called to Zoe over his shoulder, “I’ll be in my bunk.”
As he walked off, he missed hearing the confusion as River suddenly stopped and looked up toward the doorway in shock. Kaylee was wondering why her partner was no longer dancing, and Zoe was looking between the doorway and the girls in shock. Then, as quickly as River stopped, she shook off her own shock and asked Kaylee if she would mind stopping right now and picking this back up another day.
Kaylee, concerned for her friend, said, “Of course. We’ve got plenty of time for you to show me how to dance.”
River quickly responded with, “I’ll be in my bunk. I’ve got some things to think over.” She had heard what Jayne had said, both out loud and in his head, and felt the need to mull over it for a while. It wasn’t often that a girl heard that she might be worth getting spaced over.
Zoe sighed as she saw the fun breaking up. She had enjoyed herself for the first time in a few months and was sad to see it end. But she did wonder what exactly River had heard that caused her to stop and feel the need to stay stopped for a while. She shrugged and decided to check back in the hold more often to see when the next dance lesson happened. Since she had just been randomly walking past when she came across it this time, she felt it important to try to see more, as it cheered her up.
Kaylee stared after River for two minutes before deciding to go find her boyfriend, Simon, for some talk and some cuddling. She was glad she found someone who liked to cuddle, as she enjoyed getting some human touch. As she left the hold, she ran her hands over the sides of the ship, giving her a pat while she had Serenity on her mind.
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This is a story I wrote a while back based off the TV show Firefly and its movie Serenity so any most references are to events in one of those. I do not own either, except as DVDs. I wrote this story out of a love for the show. I'm pretty sure this random bit of fluff came to me and demanded I write it at the time.
It is still one of my favorite things I've ever written. It makes me smile.
Jayne had noticed that River was spending time in the hold and it looked like fighting that she was doing. He wasn’t supposed to notice her, he didn’t think, but how could he avoid seeing her when he was exercising? He didn’t stare, he just occasionally observed after he finished his exercising. He would sit on his bench, taking deep breaths, and looked around the hold. When she came into his field of vision, he watched for a couple of minutes before going to the showers to get clean.
If Jayne had bothered to ask River would had told him that she was dancing for the first time in years, since they had started cutting her brain at The Academy. River had noticed that Jayne was watching her. While she was working on blocking out everyone’s thoughts, as much as she could, she still caught a lot more than she liked. She had, well heard is the best word she could come up with, heard Jayne thinking on her fighting technique. She had never given any thought to how her moves might look to someone else, she had just moved in an efficient manner for stopping her opponent. In fact, she hadn’t really given her moves much thought; she just knew where to punch next. She had also noticed that Kaylee sometimes sat on the staircase, watching her dance. She was considering asking Kaylee if she would like to learn how to do some simple dances.
The next time River decided to dance, she noticed Kaylee watching her again. She decided that it was the perfect opportunity to teach her best friend how to dance. She walked over to Kaylee and asked her if she was interested in doing more than watching River dancing. Kaylee nodded with a big smile lighting up her face. River patiently started showing Kaylee the moves to a waltz. Kaylee caught on quickly and River switched to teaching her how to do a simple jig.
Jayne had started toward the hold when he heard the sounds of laughter. He wondered what was causing it. As he got to the doorway, he saw Zoe standing on the cat walk, smiling like she had when Wash had been alive. Jayne figured that whatever was causing the laughter must be a good thing, if it got Zoe, who had been walking around in a funk since they buried the funny little man, to smile it had to be good.
When Jayne got to the cat walk, he looked down at the two girls dancing. He quickly turned around and called to Zoe over his shoulder, “I’ll be in my bunk.”
As he walked off, he missed hearing the confusion as River suddenly stopped and looked up toward the doorway in shock. Kaylee was wondering why her partner was no longer dancing, and Zoe was looking between the doorway and the girls in shock. Then, as quickly as River stopped, she shook off her own shock and asked Kaylee if she would mind stopping right now and picking this back up another day.
Kaylee, concerned for her friend, said, “Of course. We’ve got plenty of time for you to show me how to dance.”
River quickly responded with, “I’ll be in my bunk. I’ve got some things to think over.” She had heard what Jayne had said, both out loud and in his head, and felt the need to mull over it for a while. It wasn’t often that a girl heard that she might be worth getting spaced over.
Zoe sighed as she saw the fun breaking up. She had enjoyed herself for the first time in a few months and was sad to see it end. But she did wonder what exactly River had heard that caused her to stop and feel the need to stay stopped for a while. She shrugged and decided to check back in the hold more often to see when the next dance lesson happened. Since she had just been randomly walking past when she came across it this time, she felt it important to try to see more, as it cheered her up.
Kaylee stared after River for two minutes before deciding to go find her boyfriend, Simon, for some talk and some cuddling. She was glad she found someone who liked to cuddle, as she enjoyed getting some human touch. As she left the hold, she ran her hands over the sides of the ship, giving her a pat while she had Serenity on her mind.
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This is a story I wrote a while back based off the TV show Firefly and its movie Serenity so any most references are to events in one of those. I do not own either, except as DVDs. I wrote this story out of a love for the show. I'm pretty sure this random bit of fluff came to me and demanded I write it at the time.
It is still one of my favorite things I've ever written. It makes me smile.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Art Maybe
"You wouldn't exactly call this art, would you?" the first man asked
"It looks like a pile of junk to me. The museum seems to think it's art though," the second man said.
"I thought art was supposed to be pretty, or at least understandable. This does not make any sense to me," the first woman said.
"No one would steal it, I don't think. At least not until somebody said it was worth millions of dollars," the second man said.
"According to that sign, it is worth millions of dollars. Still doesn't seem worth stealing though," the second woman said.
"We aren't going to steal it. We're just trying to figure out if it's art," the first man said with reproach.
"I wasn't going to steal it, I'm just saying that it doesn't seem worth stealing," the second woman replied. "I don't think it's art though."
"Well, if she won't steal it, it's not art," the first woman said. "She knows her art and she knows what is worth stealing." The two women smiled at each other.
"I don't know," said the second man. "I think Eliot would find it fascinating though."
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Thank you to writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "You wouldn't exactly call this art, would you?" This one turned into a sort of fanfic without meaning to. If you can guess the TV show that inspired this, I'll be impressed.
"It looks like a pile of junk to me. The museum seems to think it's art though," the second man said.
"I thought art was supposed to be pretty, or at least understandable. This does not make any sense to me," the first woman said.
"No one would steal it, I don't think. At least not until somebody said it was worth millions of dollars," the second man said.
"According to that sign, it is worth millions of dollars. Still doesn't seem worth stealing though," the second woman said.
"We aren't going to steal it. We're just trying to figure out if it's art," the first man said with reproach.
"I wasn't going to steal it, I'm just saying that it doesn't seem worth stealing," the second woman replied. "I don't think it's art though."
"Well, if she won't steal it, it's not art," the first woman said. "She knows her art and she knows what is worth stealing." The two women smiled at each other.
"I don't know," said the second man. "I think Eliot would find it fascinating though."
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Thank you to writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "You wouldn't exactly call this art, would you?" This one turned into a sort of fanfic without meaning to. If you can guess the TV show that inspired this, I'll be impressed.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
You Can't Fix What Isn't Broken
"We don't understand why you don't trust us. Please, help us understand," the doctor said.
"I don't trust you because you keep trying to fix something that isn't broken. I appreciate that you are wanting to help, but you are no where near where the problems are and you keep trying to fix something that just part of my personality. I shut myself away sometimes not because I'm broken but because I need to recharge myself. I don't get energy from being around people, I get it from being alone," the patient said. "And for the most part, the things that are broken are things you cannot fix because you weren't who broke them."
"But we want to make you whole again," the doctor said, trying desperately to fix this problem too.
"You can't. Sometimes things can only be fixed by the person that broke them. And sometimes the person that broke them aren't able to fix them because they are too broken themselves. Please stop trying to fix things you can't. Just let me be," the patient said, hoping that this time the words would be understood.
"We don't know how to let you be," the doctor admitted.
"And that is why I must go. Because you try to fix things that aren't broken and don't know how to let me be so I can fix what I can myself," the patient said. "Good bye."
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Thank you to writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "We don't understand why you don't trust us." This has been surprisingly cathartic to write.
"I don't trust you because you keep trying to fix something that isn't broken. I appreciate that you are wanting to help, but you are no where near where the problems are and you keep trying to fix something that just part of my personality. I shut myself away sometimes not because I'm broken but because I need to recharge myself. I don't get energy from being around people, I get it from being alone," the patient said. "And for the most part, the things that are broken are things you cannot fix because you weren't who broke them."
"But we want to make you whole again," the doctor said, trying desperately to fix this problem too.
"You can't. Sometimes things can only be fixed by the person that broke them. And sometimes the person that broke them aren't able to fix them because they are too broken themselves. Please stop trying to fix things you can't. Just let me be," the patient said, hoping that this time the words would be understood.
"We don't know how to let you be," the doctor admitted.
"And that is why I must go. Because you try to fix things that aren't broken and don't know how to let me be so I can fix what I can myself," the patient said. "Good bye."
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Thank you to writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "We don't understand why you don't trust us." This has been surprisingly cathartic to write.
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Dance
They were a study in opposites as they swayed together on the dance floor. Tall and short. Delicate and solid. Dark hair and fair. Pale skin and tanned.
The smiles on their faces matched. And they were poetry in motion.
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I had a word, motion, and that brought to mind dancing, which brought about this little mental picture of two people who look like opposites dancing with matching smiles.
The smiles on their faces matched. And they were poetry in motion.
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I had a word, motion, and that brought to mind dancing, which brought about this little mental picture of two people who look like opposites dancing with matching smiles.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
The Wiggling Cake
The cake wiggled, ominously. The table was still and there were no obvious reasons for the cake to wiggle, but wiggle it did. Five adults gathered around it all giggled nervously. They were sure the cake was alive.
They decided to see how the cake responded to being jiggled about. The cake just continued to wiggle. They poked it's sides. It still wiggled.
"I have a plan," Clint announced. Everyone held their breath to hear it clearly. The cake continued to wiggle. "I say we-"
Clint was cut off by Mary entering the room. "Why hasn't anyone cut the cake?" Mary asked. "Give me a knife and I'll start cutting it."
Mary ignored how the cake was wiggling and cut it into pieces for people to eat. As she cut, the cake stopped wiggling. After she finished, Mary said, "I'm going to let people know that we have desserts. I wonder if there was gelatin in that cake. Might explain the wiggling."
After Mary had left the room, Clint confessed, "I'm glad she cut it, I was thinking of using electricity. Who knows what would have happened in that case." Everyone started laughing in relief.
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This bit of fiction was based off a dream I had last night. In my dream, the cake wasn't wiggling, but apparently it had been. And when I woke up, the sentence "The cake wiggled, ominously." wouldn't leave my head.
They decided to see how the cake responded to being jiggled about. The cake just continued to wiggle. They poked it's sides. It still wiggled.
"I have a plan," Clint announced. Everyone held their breath to hear it clearly. The cake continued to wiggle. "I say we-"
Clint was cut off by Mary entering the room. "Why hasn't anyone cut the cake?" Mary asked. "Give me a knife and I'll start cutting it."
Mary ignored how the cake was wiggling and cut it into pieces for people to eat. As she cut, the cake stopped wiggling. After she finished, Mary said, "I'm going to let people know that we have desserts. I wonder if there was gelatin in that cake. Might explain the wiggling."
After Mary had left the room, Clint confessed, "I'm glad she cut it, I was thinking of using electricity. Who knows what would have happened in that case." Everyone started laughing in relief.
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This bit of fiction was based off a dream I had last night. In my dream, the cake wasn't wiggling, but apparently it had been. And when I woke up, the sentence "The cake wiggled, ominously." wouldn't leave my head.
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