Snippets

I've got a lot of random things floating around in my head that I want to get out, but none of them are really long enough for a post to themselves, so I'm going to stick them here together.

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My sister and her boyfriend have been dating for about a year and a half. When she was little, because of her outgoing personality, we thought she'd be the kind of girl who changed boyfriends every week (like some of my cousins apparently did). From what I can tell, this hasn't been the case. Although, I do think this is the longest dating relationship she has had.

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Today, Ace and I watched 16 episodes of Get Smart (from the first season). While I don't think either of us expected to spend 8 hours watching Maxwell Smart, we both seemed to enjoy it (to the point we got distracted from the other things we were doing). When we can, I want to get the show on DVD.

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I have a weird personality sometimes. I am introverted and quiet, unless I feel safe and comfortable. Then, I can talk your ear off. I can get comfortable enough around groups to seem somewhat extroverted, but it can take time. Around groups of kids, I don't seem to need to observe the culture first.

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One time, at summer camp (Bible camp, 1 week long), I told my counselor that my only talent was reading (there was a talent show that night, and I didn't want to be in it). While this is probably mostly true, I think most of the issue was not wanting to get up in front of the camp and do something.

The next day, at mail call (pretty much all inner-camp mail), I had to read a Bible verse to get a piece of mail. I'm pretty sure I blushed through the whole thing. It was better than being asked to do a song I'd never heard before to get my mail (which also happened that year).

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I feel better now that I've said all that random stuff. Hopefully some of it was interesting.

Reading

I wish I could start this post with something cool about the idea of Death as a character in a novel, but I really can't come up with anything.

Instead, I'll just say that I've been reading Discworld novels lately, and I've found some of them more fascinating than others.

This whole reading extravaganza (if 3 books in 4 days can be called an extravaganza) began on Tuesday. I got Ace to take me to the downtown library before we did our weekly grocery shopping. He agreed because I knew roughly where I needed to go to find the books I wanted to get. Also, I had the cash for parking at the library.

So, I picked out 3 of the 4 books they had of the series, checked them out, and off we went to do our shopping. Later that day, I started one of the books and found it hard to put down for long. I finished the book within the day. The next day, I picked up another of the books and read it within a day.

The only reason I took longer to finish the third book is that I didn't read far enough to get involved enough Friday (and I didn't read on any books Thursday, for some odd reason). But, once I got involved in the story, I found it hard to put the book down long enough to do much of anything.

Now, I wish I had grabbed the other book too. I'm sure I can check the library just up the street soon to see if they have any of the books there.

TTFN!

Family Sadness

One of my cousins was pregnant.

I say it that way, because recently the baby died.

She was still pregnant at the time.

I've got mixed emotions about this. I mean, obviously I feel bad for my cousin. This is a terrible thing to have happen. It hurt to hear.

On the other hand, it all seems kind of far away and it doesn't hit very hard. We aren't as close as either of us would like. We don't talk much as she is busy with 2 kids and I haven't tried very hard to reach out.

I'm not feeling as crushed emotionally as I was a few months ago by Jenna's news. I'm just feeling a little sad, like I would if I heard anyone lost a baby. Knowing that makes me feel a little sad.

There is a small, teeny-tiny part of me that's feeling relief from small amounts of jealousy that we're hidden deep down. And I feel a little bad about that too.

This is one of those things that is still rolling around in my head. And I'm not sure I'm quite done thinking about it yet.

My Shoulder Will Eventually Be Better

Or: Why I'm Currently Torturing Myself Everyday

Okay, so I'm not really torturing myself, but it kind of feels like it after I'm done (when my shoulder hurts some and the muscles just want to be relaxed for a long while).

Ace and I talked yesterday to my chiropractor about what we could do to make my shoulder better to where I won't wake up with a sore shoulder and needing to not do much for a day because I rolled over in my sleep and hurt it, again.

His suggestion was to do some exercises for me to do to help strengthen my rotator cuff to help. He also mentioned that they will help try to fix my shoulder while I'm there for my back too. He also suggested that some of my problems were possibly from scar tissue, and thus would never fully be the same as it was before (I'll be more likely to re-injure it more easily now), but these exercises should, hopefully, allow me to sleep without hurting myself just by rolling on my side.

But for now, until the muscles are built up, I'm hurting doing them (it's been 2 days, and they are sore right now).

I did, teasingly, ask Ace if my shoulder was looking more buff now. His comment, "After 2 days?" And then, I'm pretty sure we both laughed.

P.S.: I blame the dog for my shoulder hurting. I know that I'm partially to blame, but I'm also the one that still hurts some, thus he gets the blame. That's the fair way to split it up, right?

The Dog Vs. The Tub

Before I start my simple little tale of something that cracks me up, I want to say that I've got lots on my mind lately. But, none of it is ready to be shared here yet. It's all still tumbling and I'm still not quite sure how I feel about everything yet.

Anyway, on to my story.

The other night, Ace and I were in the bathroom, getting ready for bed. In comes Guillermo, interested in the room because that's where we were. As long as he's just outside the bathroom, I'm content to leave him be, but as soon as he steps into the bathroom, I start automatically telling him to get out. Then, the perfect phrase hits me.

M: Do you want a bath?

Guillermo, upon hearing that and seeing me move the shower curtain, runs as quickly as he can out of the room and into the living room (a mostly straight shot from the bathroom).

I, being the loving and caring pet owner, burst out laughing.

Sure enough, because we are still in the bathroom, in comes Guillermo again. As quickly as I can, I ask him again, "Do you want a bath?" Again, as quickly as possible, he runs out and into the living room.

Again, moments later, same thing, reaction and all. And again. The fourth time I'm asking him if he wants a bath, I can hardly get the question out, I'm laughing so hard.

Then, we've finished in the bathroom. I'm standing in the bedroom, waiting by the door as I want some cuddle time with Ace (the dog isn't allowed in for cuddle time, it's my time). Ace is standing just outside the bathroom, trying to convince the dog to go to bed. Guillermo, because he feels like he never has enough attention, wants to come into our room with us.

Ace, as a loving, caring pet owner, then asks Guillermo if he wants a bath. This time, Guillermo runs to the bedroom, by me, I guess hoping for me to save him from the evils of bathing (he likes water, but not the bathtub). I kick him out of the bedroom.

Then, Ace starts scratching Guillermo behind the ears. Now, Guillermo is happy, as he loves this. Then, Ace asks again if Guillermo wants a bath. Guillermo starts... well, it looked like jumping, because he doesn't want a bath, but he wants to keep getting attention. Then, because I'm leaning against the open bedroom door, laughing, Ace, while still scratching, asks Guillermo again. Same reaction.

Then, Guillermo got sent off to bed, Ace and I had cuddle time, and we giggled for a good 2 or 3 minutes over the whole thing.

We never had any intention of giving him a bath that night, but it's a good way to get him to leave the bathroom (and it always cracks me up). And he pretty much always reacts that same way, running away from an empty tub.

I guess when it comes to Guillermo vs. the tub, the tub wins.

Awake

It's 2:15 in the morning. I know that I should be in bed, asleep. Instead, I'm awake and feeling like I'm probably going to start spiraling into depression if I'm not careful.

I'm not quite sure how I let the shore slip away, but I did. I think I got distracted with YouTube videos and didn't notice that the current was pulling me away from safety.

Part of my problem is that I opened the door to the past, to pull out select bits, and while I was there more bits came tumbling down. The past seems to be badly organized and arranged like all those closets you've seen in sitcoms where stuff starts falling and just keeps coming.

This is why I try to stay away from that door marked past. Because just when I think it's safe to open it up, for a short peek, it starts falling around me again, pulling me away from the shore (I do believe I'm mixing my metaphors, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. I apologize, it's kind of hard to keep everything as neat as I'd like it to be when I'm working on putting the past back where it belongs.).

So, as I look around, I'm not as far from the shore as I originally thought, but if I don't correct this now, it'll be harder to correct very soon.

So, tomorrow (or, well, later today), I'm going to sit down and talk with Ace about this. Between the two of us, we should find someway to help me find the shore again.

Later.

P.S.: Why do I have the words "I'm a survivor, I'm gonna get up" running through my head? At least it's a positive message.

Meeting Goals

I'm looking back on my goals from February. I can already tell that I'm not doing as well as I had hoped.

I've met my goal of reading Pride and Prejudice. I finished that within a week.

I've read through Proverbs 6 times. I've read 6 different versions of Proverbs. It's been interesting to see the differences and the similarities (of course, it should be very similar, since it's the same book each time). Ace has requested that I read a specific version this month.

We are eating at home more, but we aren't eating more fruits and veggies (although, I've probably had more fruit this year than I did last year) in general. Lack of a water heater has really put a crimp on cooking healthier food in general.

I've given up on joining a gym and loosing 50 pounds this year, as the finances also dictate that those things are at the bottom of the list of important things right now. It's more that I've seen that those goals are reliant on certain things changing.

Also, I still prefer things to be even when possible. It's some weird quirk that I'm beginning the think I'm just going to have to live with.

So, while I'm not doing perfectly, or even really meeting most of my original goals, I am trying. Things are happening. And I have to just have faith that things will work out the right way.

And until then, I guess I'll keep working on that patience thing. I know that it's not always been a strong point with me. So, I'll keep trying and waiting and believing. And, when the time is right, all my goals will be met.

Lessons From The Past

I don't write a lot about my past, and there is a reason for that. It's not that I'm trying to stay anonymous, because I could write about my past and stay anonymous. It's also not because of anger about what happened.

I don't write about it because then my mother's words, harsh, unforgiving words that I now only hear in my head (and only occasionally), would be given power again. And the biggest reason I cut off contact over 3 years ago was because of those powerful, hurtful, harsh words.

In my heart, I know that my mother always thought she was doing the right thing and that she did intend to make things, or me, better. But, she chose the wrong words. She criticized and picked until I lost confidence in my physical beauty and saw only the flaws. She never laid a finger on me, but the scars are still there, under the surface.

I learned a lot of things being around my mother, with her swiftly changing moods. I learned not to commit to something until I knew what it was. I learned how to keep my mouth shut, as she had already lost her temper and saying anything would just push her to yell longer. I learned that I had to be grown up and responsible and fairly stable for my siblings to know that this wasn't how normal people act. I learned to apologize for everything, even things I wasn't really responsible for in hopes that the yelling wouldn't last as long.

Since meeting Ace, I've learned new things. I've learned that most people see the beauty and ignore the small flaws. I've learned that I'm pretty, and that I deserve to hear that said. I've learned that I deserve to be treated better than I was in the past. I've learned that most people don't blow hot and cold on how they treat their loved ones. I've learned that getting me little things, like books and CDs, or spending time with me, isn't something I should see as just a treat for special occasions. He has helped me to see that what I grew up with wasn't normal.

Before you start wanting to blame my dad for any of these things, know this: he wasn't there day to day while my mother was saying the things she did (and I didn't tell him). He was in another state, working to provide for our needs. He was visiting us every other weekend and loved us much more than he cared for himself (still does love us). In his opinion, I'm one of the 3 best things to ever happen in his relationship with my mom. He still misses me coming and spending half the summer with him and his wife. He has never made me feel like I was less than the most special person, unless he was distracted by making my siblings feel the same.

So, I'm saying all this now, not to give my mother any of the power I took back, but to say that I know that not all abuse is physical. I know that still, after 3 years of almost no contact (1 stilted phone call and a friend request on MySpace that was just ignored), her words can come back to draw me down into the start of depression.

I chose my words carefully. I still tread lightly when I think I might anger someone, even Ace who loves me too much to ever hurt me. I try to find a balance between remembering why I don't want to resume a relationship with my mother and remembering why I do still love her and what few happy memories I can find.

I over think things way too often. I don't forgive myself enough. I say harsh words to myself.

But, I tend to temper all of that with kind words, laughter, and small things that make me happy.

I'm not telling you all this to make you feel bad for me. I say this to let you know that I'm a survivor. And I'm not letting a painful past hold me down.

But if I ever seem to be down, now you know part of the reason why. I'm still struggling with finding my emotional balance with my past. It's not an easy task. But, I'm a survivor. I can do it.

Back Issues

Since getting my new monitor, my back has been hurting. And it's all my fault.

Despite things now being easier to see, I keep leaning forward toward the screen. I'm pretty sure that I've messed up some muscles (or at least I've been using them in ways they aren't used in a while). I'm rather frustrated with this whole situation.

So, I keep finding that I need to take some days and not do much (at all) to try to get my back to like me again.

Today is one of those days.

I wish my chest wasn't quite so large, as I'm fairly sure that it would help my back not be quite so sore (possibly not sore at all).

It's Real!

Earlier (I say this, because I'm typing this a few minutes after midnight, but it doesn't feel like it's Saturday to me yet as I haven't gone to bed and slept yet), Ace and I went to go shopping at a wholesale club (we like stocking up on stuff there). He was looking over the list before we left.

Ace: Toilet paper! Real toilet paper!
M: So, we've been using fake toilet paper?
Ace: Imitation toilet paper.

In reality, we've been using real toilet paper, it's just not quite what he was wanting. So, with one request to not get one particular brand, I told him that he could pick out whichever toilet paper he wanted.

I think he's now satisfied with the toilet paper awaiting use, even if it wasn't exactly what he wanted when we left to go shopping.

I love my slightly quirky husband (of course, I'm a lot quirkier than he is).

A Solution to the Computer Problems

Well, according to my computer doctor, there are two solutions to my problem.

1. Spend $300 on a monitor replacement, which won't necessarily be done today. This laptop isn't worth $300.

2. Buy a monitor to hook up to the laptop. Spend what you want, have a working laptop in the time it takes to set everything up.

Since I'm typing this on my laptop, you can guess which option we chose.

My new monitor was just a hair over half the replacement monitor's cost. It's also much bigger than the original monitor.

Ace is thinking of getting one for himself.

Computer Problems

Hey,

I know I've been quiet lately, but I've recently had some computer problems. Problems that make me want to not use my computer at all. So, I'm borrowing Ace's computer (he's in bed, asleep) long enough to post that I'm currently down computer wise and will hopefully be back soon.

We're taking my laptop to see the computer doctor tomorrow, hopefully it will be a quick fix and I'll be back on my computer by tomorrow night.

- M.A. Smith

Just FYI

42.

That's really all I have to say right now. Just 42.

The Uterus (And Heart) Wants What It Wants

Today, Sarah (of Sarah and the Good Squad, who's post I've tried to link, but am having problems with) posted pictures of baby clothes and talked about how she's done having kids, but baby clothes make her uterus ache.

And that's how I feel almost all the time. Except for when I have cramps, because then the pain pushes all thoughts of little babies out of my head.

Even dinner with 4 fairly young kids wasn't enough to convince me to not have kids (actually, the youngest made my longing worse).

So, while some people, like Sarah, may be done with having kids (and good for her), some of us are waiting and longing and waiting until it happens. And for now, my heart, and uterus and, frankly, my arms, all want a baby.

So, I wait and try again this month. And hopefully soon my wishes will all come true.

Quiet

Today feels like a day to be quiet.

So, today, I'm being quiet.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll have something more to say.

A Short List

Or The Latest News from Me in Convenient List Format

1. Not pregnant. Hate hormones. Hate cramps. Chocolate bars seem to help.

2. Our financial stuff makes me want to hide in my bed. Not a good thing.

3. Between the Coke I drank around dinner time and the temperature, I had a couple of problems falling asleep. I'm going back to refusing caffeine in all it's forms (except chocolate and Midol, when needed) again.

4. I'm ready for some cooler days, which will hopefully be happening soon. Weather.com is promising cooler weather, I just hope they are right.

5. We have to have plumbers come out and deal with our pipes, as the lack of water drainage in the kitchen is ridiculous. Hopefully, we can do that soon.

6. Had dinner with Karen and her fiance and all their kids (4, all under the age of 8). Guillermo went with us and was a hit. Wanted to bring the youngest home with us as he was cute and sweet and adorable. Plus, he had blond eyelashes and big blue eyes. Resisted temptation.

7. Enjoyed the chicken fried steak (without gravy) that was made though.

8. The Cokes they had were made in Mexico with real sugar, and it reminded me of going down to Mexico on mission trips (we did construction to churches, it was hard work and lots of fun). The only real breaking point on the memory is that their bottles weren't scratched up any from being washed and re-used.

9. We had banana pudding for dessert. Now Ace and I need to go buy some banana pudding ice cream.

10. You don't pronounce the g in banana pudding. If you really want to go for it, you call it Nana Puddin'.

So, now you know what's been going on (and mostly about dinner last night).

What Do You Mean This Doesn't Update Itself?

Okay, so after getting all talkative and posting several days in a row, I went silent for a few days.

But, I've been doing... well, nothing is what I've been doing. Until today.

Today, I:
1. Caught up on pop culture. So very important, right?
2. Cleaned my bedroom. Or at least reorganized my bed room a bit.
3. Have fought off taking a nap so that I will sleep tonight.

Today, I plan on:
1. Reading another chapter of Lord of the Rings (I've got the hobbits in Rivendell and today I read about the council meeting).
2. Cleaning the living room.
3. Possibly give in and take a nap so I stop feeling quite so tired.

So, yeah. Today, I'm getting organized, tomorrow I'm doing laundry, and Monday's plans are still unknown at this point.

Zzzzzz.

What, Me, Throw Up? Nah

So, I don't think I've shared this before, but I get sea sick (sort of). I don't actually empty my stomach, but I feel like doing so. But only when things are wavy.

On cars, buses, trains, and planes I feel fine traveling forward, backward, and probably upside down (if I wanted to travel that way). But, put me on a boat (or jiggle my bed) and my stomach decides that I should feel sick.

Only, I never actually throw up, so I don't know if that would really make me feel better.

Okay, I told you all of that to tell you this: my hormones make me feel nauseous around massage chairs (and similar apparatus). I start feeling that same sensation of wanting to throw up. I know it's hormonal, because it only happens right before I start my period (or get a visit from Aunt Flo, if you are afraid of the word period). Otherwise, my massage chair and I get along fine.

Right now, my massage chair is just getting to be a chair. Right now, my massage chair is massage non grata for my stomach. If only my back and stomach were on the same page (I'd kind of like a massage, but I don't really relish the idea of feeling queasy).

So, I'll stay here avoiding doing something to annoy my stomach and I'll wait. Because there isn't too much more I can do for now.

The Book

Earlier, I did something I never do. I threw a book.

To tell you why I'm so shocked (and appalled) by my behavior, I should probably tell you that I love books. Books have been there for me when there wasn't anyone else. Books and I have always been close friends. I hate getting rid of books in any manner. I love books.

And earlier, in a fit of anger and hurt and hormones, I threw one.

I had hoped it would make me feel better, but it didn't.

Ace wasn't exactly happy to hear a loud thunk out of no where (or to find a book on the floor). And he told me I needed to figure out what was going on and to calm way down.

So, I took a drive, with the dog (who we had planned on taking for a car ride today). And it helped me calm down (it also helped that there was pretty much no one on the road at that time of day).

Now, I need to find a healthier way of dealing with my emotions when my hormones exacerbate them to bad levels that make me feel so angry and hurt. I need to talk or shout or something.

But I need to not throw books. Because books are my friends and that is no way to treat a friend.

Hormones Abound

Earlier, my hormones have decided to manifest as a queasy stomach.

While that is nicer than getting angry with the dog for no reason, it's not exactly fun. After all, who wants to feel a desire to throw up?

So, I'm trying to keep my stomach as happy as possible (while still remaining as quiet as possible, as it's after Ace's bedtime and he has work tomorrow).

Well, I'm off to find something to help settle my stomach, right after I visit the bathroom.

And I'm trying not to read anything into any pregnancy symptoms I feel, as they seem to pop up right before my period starts (although, I'm sleeping way more than normal, feeling queasy, having random mood swings, and peeing more than usual, all of which are related to pregnancy, but are mostly also related to the hormone progesterone which is released after ovulation to foster pregnancy/signal the beginning of a period) (yes, I have been studying up on my reproductive cycle).

Okay, seriously, I'm off now.

Later

Late Night Annoyances

I'm sitting here, on my bed, trying to convince myself to start actually laying down and getting closer to sleeping, since I've been so sleepy lately (I'm blaming hormones, because I'm not normally this tired. I took a nap this evening, and I'm still kind of tired).

And then, I hear them.

Pop, pop, wrrrrrreeeeeee (that spelling is as close as I can get to the whistle sound).

Fireworks.

They are illegal inside city limits (even on the 4th, unless the government has approved the show, which they wouldn't at this time of day). Plus, I'm sure they are breaking another few laws regarding when noisy things can be done in a neighborhood.

It's after midnight, so it's no longer the 4th. And all I can think is why are they still firing off fireworks. They had at least 2 and 1/2 hours before this, while it was still the 4th but after the local approved fireworks, to have shot all their fireworks off.

And I wonder if I should call the cops. I mean, Ace has to work tomorrow and he needs his sleep (not that the fireworks woke him up). And anyway, what they are doing isn't legal. And then, the sounds stop. And I realize that it probably wouldn't have been worth it anyway.

But it was still annoying.

Independence

Just a few minutes ago, I read through most of the Declaration of Independence. I read through most of the charges laid out against England. And I part of me could see the hurts, the frustration, and the outrage at what was being done to push people to start the American Revolution.

It's shocking to think of how life must have been in 1775, and I'm not just talking about how people dressed or cooked or cleaned or got anywhere. The injustices of having someone killed by a soldier who would be given a "trial" and then allowed to resume his life as if he had done nothing wrong, to do something wrong and be shipped overseas to England to stand trial instead of judges being appointed here, to find out that the governors over you couldn't actually do anything without the kind's permission and he didn't seem to actually care about what was going on in this part of his kingdom.

Now, I know that's been resolved for a long time. But it's shocking to think about. And all these things, things that people were willing to put up with because they didn't want to fight, when added together became enough to finally say "Stop. Enough. We have rights. Rights given to us from God. And you can't take them away anymore."

Now, we have laws that govern us and govern our government. Laws to protect us from having housing soldiers just because they are near our area. Laws protecting our right to a trial. Laws letting everyone, government and governed, what those rights are.

Things like the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution are part of what makes me glad to have been born in the United States. It makes me proud to know that this country has been founded as an attempt to let everyone feel equal and free, even if it's history has not always borne that out.

And it's nice to know that some of our unalienable rights are still Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Long may that be the case.

Happy Birthday, America!

And the Hormone Roller Coaster is Driving me Crazy

So, now that the hormones aren't completely driving my emotions (like they seemed to be when I posted yesterday), I am happy for my cousin.

I think I just had some tears and past pain and frustration that needed to come out.

That doesn't mean that I don't feel like all this emotional stuff is something good right now. It's harder to deal with my emotions when they are stronger because they are being driven by hormones.

If I've learned nothing else, I've learned that when I get pregnant, I think I'm going to drive Ace and I both crazy with my hormone induced mood swings. I'm not quite looking forward to that. On the plus side, Ace has a tendency to keep my moods now mostly in check while my hormones are going crazy in my body.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see about how things go from here.

Blah

Today is a day of mixed emotions. My dreams last night were apparently a sign of that.

Today, I found out that one of my cousins is pregnant with #3 (another one of my cousins just recently gave birth #2). And all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry because I'm waiting on #1.

I had a dream that I was watching someone else's toddler for them. Only, I didn't know who they were or how to get in touch of them. And for some bizarre reason, I had a crib set up in my living room (one not quite big enough for the toddler to sleep in).

So, I think I'm going to talk to Ace about some cuddle time. And then, I may look for some chocolate. And then, maybe, my hormones will calm down and I'll be able to tell how I feel without question.

But for now, I don't know how I feel. And that's painful.

Bad Day

Today, I'm having a bad day. And I don't mean that bad things are happening, because on the whole it's been a lovely day in that regard.

No, I'm having a bad day emotionally. I'm feeling short tempered with the dog. I'm feeling other people's pain a little too sharply. I'm just feeling emotionally blue for no good reason (although, I suspect hormones are a part of this).

I feel the desire to strangle the dog (something I know I could never accomplish and really don't want to do at all) just because he wants me to let him outside. So, his crime today has been the fact that he's a dog and can't open and close doors on his own. That and the sound of his tags seem a little too loud today.

I know that tomorrow I could be having just the opposite type of day where everything seems to be going wrong, but I feel like I'm floating through it all.

But for now, I'm trying to concentrate on one thing at a time. And for now, it should probably be folding and putting away laundry (while watching some TV). At least then I'll be doing something constructive with my time.

And hopefully, that will help stop my bad day in it's tracks.

Other Than That How Was the Play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Sometimes, people asking innocent questions just hurts. The biggest question that hurts is "Do you have kids?"

I know why it's asked. It's a getting to know you question. It's a let's see how much we have in common question.

And if you're trying to expand your family from 2 to 3 (or for a variety of other reasons, including miscarriages and infertility), it feels like more of a let's remind you of something that's already on your mind and is sensitive question. And it's a question that you wish you could just push away or do away with altogether.

The simple answer to your question, at least in this house, is not yet, we're trying. The complex answer is that I'm trying to remember what I know God has promised me, I'm trying to ignore that stupid whisper in my ear that says that maybe I'll never have kids naturally, and I'm trying to remember that if all else fails, I'm happy to adopt, wanting to adopt someday in fact. Also, I don't feel like it's any of your business unless you are selling me insurance or doing my taxes.

And that is how a simple getting to know you question can be one of the most painful questions to answer.

24 Hours (Give or Take)

In 24 hours (okay, 25 hours), Ace and I will have been married for 6 years to the minute (give or take about 10 minutes).

It doesn't feel like it's been that long. It feels like it was just two or three years ago most of the time. The time has just gone by so fast.

Then, there are days that it feels like I've known Ace forever. He knows me better than I know myself, most of the time. He can look and tell if I'm up or down most of the time.

Plus, he got me a nice anniversary card that mentions that I'm his best friend. Because we are. We both think of the other as our best friend. There aren't secrets kept (at least not for long) between us. We both want the other one to be happy. We talk about anything and everything.

So, I'm happy that in 24 hours (give or take) we'll be celebrating our anniversary. Because I wouldn't trade Ace for anything.

TTFN!

The Countdown

This week, Ace and I celebrate our 6th anniversary. To help celebrate the fact that we will have been married for 6 years, Ace took Friday and Saturday off work. Right now, I'm feeling the urge to countdown the hour that's left until he gets off work (okay, it's 58 minutes) because after that we will have 5 days together!

We do have a few things to do this week that aren't related to our anniversary (at least, not fully). Tonight, we're going grocery shopping (we're going after dark, so it won't be quite as hot as it is now). Wednesday, I've got a chiropractor's appointment (hopefully after that, my back will like me again). Other than that, we don't have any set plans (other than me taking a bath tomorrow morning). We'll probably look for something special to have for our anniversary while we do our grocery shopping tonight, but we'll just have to wait and see.

Which reminds me (55 minutes now!), I need to add cards to our shopping list.

So, if you were a couple who were still completely in love after 6 years, what would you do to celebrate?

Moved

Today, my heart has been soft to the pain of others.

Today, I've felt the need to mourn for things that have been long lost.

Today, I shared something I haven't shared in a long time.

Today, my heart has been moved and I don't feel like I'm quite the same person that I was when I started the day.

I'm wondering what will happen tomorrow.

Changing Gears

Now that I've re-read all of the Chronicles of Narnia (okay, so I read the first two shortly before each movie came out and didn't re-read them right around now, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember what happened), I've started over on reading The Lord of the Rings. And I've changed tactics from reading the Chronicles of Narnia. Instead of reading a book a day (because those are some long books), I'm reading a chapter a day on the days Ace works. At least, that's the theory of how it will go.

More likely, I'll stick to that for a while, but will change my tune on Ace's days off as I start getting to some action.

In completely different news, I started washing our dishes by hand yesterday (apparently dishwashers require hot water to actually work, who knew?). Today, I worked on my laundry, but tomorrow I'll be back to hand-washing dishes again. The only real problem with that is that our kitchen sink doesn't drain properly, so I can't be absolutely sure that I'm getting every bit of soap off the dishes. So, for now, we're going to be rinsing dishes off before using them (just in case).

Of course, my morning yesterday started with cleaning off the counter next to the sink in order to put dishes down to dry, which was as big an undertaking as actually washing the dishes was. There were dirty dishes, dishes that had been hand-washed a while ago, a blender, the top portion of the ice cream maker (that hasn't been used in a while), a plug for a blue tooth product (we'd been looking for that, didn't think to look in the kitchen), the heating unit of our crock-pot, and a pile of sugar mixed with Borax to kill ants piled up over there. Plus a few clothes that were down for drying dishes that needed to be moved to the dirty clothes.

But, after moving all that and using some Lysol wipes, my counter was clean once again. On the plus side, I got roughly a third of the dirty dishes clean in less than an hour, so by Tuesday I should be all caught up on dishes again (and it will be easier to keep everything caught up after that).

TTFN!

Here But Not

Today has felt like a long day. Not that I've done anything particularly important or time consuming.

I think it's the fact that my living room is currently making me feel tired for reasons unknown.

So, for now, I'm here in this moment. But at the same time, I feel like I'm a million miles away.

I don't know what word really describes that feeling, but that's what I'm feeling. Here but not.

Reading

Today, I re-read The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (from the Chronicles of Narnia series). It's been a long time since I've read it. I enjoyed re-reading it greatly.

And it was interesting to see the way that CS Lewis wove in a belief in Jesus and the kind of life Jesus encourages us to live seemlessly into a fantasy story that is engaging and entertaining.

Tomorrow, I plan on reading The Silver Chair. It's nice to go back and read these stories as an adult because I see things that I missed (or didn't know) when I was younger. Plus, the stories still hold my attention, something that could just as easily not happen.

My set is an older set (from when I was younger) and has the older order still intact (based on the order they were written, starting with The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe). And reading through the stories this time reminds me why I love the characters so much (and why I got frustrated with the changes in the second movie). It's something that is helping keep me happy (as is the good news from yesterday, now that I've got more sleep).

So, what are you reading lately?

Good News

Today, Ace and I got some good news. Something we thought had happened hadn't.

Then, our internet connection that had been downed unexpectedly came back up.

And then, I find that, after all this, exhaustion has started setting in (I've not been sleeping well lately) and my extensive vocabulary is failing me tonight.

Today, we got some good news. Maybe tomorrow I'll be excited about it again.

Night.

Ugh!!!!

Well, I got a definitive answer today that I am not giving Ace the birthday gift I wanted to give him.

Instead, I got a day of feeling somewhat icky.

I'm tired and sore and my day really isn't fully over yet.

So, instead you get this crappy half post of me whining that I'm not feeling well.

Sorry. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Later.

P.S.: I hate cramps with a passion. And sometimes Midol just isn't quite strong enough.

On Birthdays and Waiting

Today is Ace's birthday. He turns 29 today. His plans, after work, are to work out some (at work, then he'll shower) and help me take a bath by heating up water on the stove so that I can have a warm bath and actually get clean (at least, that's the only plans I know of for sure).

Other than that, I am waiting. Hopefully, in a couple of days, I'll be able to give Ace a great birthday gift. Either way, we'll be happily celebrating our 6th anniversary later this month.

So, for now, I'm waiting. On Ace and on other things.

It's a good thing I've developed patience.

Later.

Good News Friday

Today has been a fairly good day, which is slightly impressive as we've not been getting the best news lately.

Today, I got a phone call related to me possibly getting a job (remember that job search I haven't talked about lately? yeah, it's still happening). Then, Ace texted me and told me that he was getting off work early (we weren't expecting that to happen).

Then we went to get a new battery put in our car (see, bad news) and it turned out not to be as expensive as we thought it might be. Plus, we now have something to jump start the car (we just need to charge it up, which is better than charging the car's battery every night and Ace spending his lunch break sitting in the car with it running to make sure he can get home each night).

Then we went and got ice cream.

So, today has been a fairly good day overall.

TTFN!

New Amsterdam? I Thought It Was New York!

Today, Sarah (of Sarah and the Goon Squad) wrote about remembering what the old name for New York was because she remembered a song from They Might Be Giants (it was a crossword puzzle answer).

Well, I commented about knowing why they changed the name (but I didn't put the reason in my comment) and she really wanted to know why, so she e-mailed me.

Before I sent her my reply, I checked with Wikipedia to make sure I had the right basics. And the reason is that originally, New York City was started by the Netherlands, who had formed the colony of New Netherlands (where New York is). Then, after several years, they ceded that land to England who decided to change the colony's name to New York and, from what I can tell, New Amsterdam to New York City.

And the odd thing is that I remembered about the Netherlands having the land and it ending up under English rule from my American History class. I haven't been in those classes for over 10 years, but this fact stuck in my head. Of course, now it's tempting to see if anyone around me knows this fact by calling NYC New Amsterdam, except that I have no reason to talk about NYC.

TTFN!

Jittery Sleep

Last night, I had a couple of issues with sleeping straight through the night.

I went to sleep around 1:30 am. An hour later, I got woken up by Ace's snoring. He doesn't normally wake me up when he snores (I assume that he snores off and on throughout the night and I know that I don't normally wake up). Then, at 6:30, I woke up and felt fairly awake (I think it was a temperature issue), but I looked at the time and decided that it was way too early for me to get up, so I went back to sleep.

After my alarm went off, I sat up and tried to wake up. That worked for half an hour, but by then I had lain back down and drifted off to sleep until my second alarm went off 30 minutes later.

I'm still feeling a little tired, but I know that I've had enough sleep so I'm trying to stay awake (I'm trying to get to sleep at a better time than I have been). I'm fairly sure the shower I'm planning on taking soon will wake me up completely. After all, cold showers have a tendency to do that.

TTFN!

6 of One, Half a Dozen of the Other

The good news is that I still have water.

The bad news is that my water heater is, for all intents and purposes, dead.

After 5 minutes (probably less), I was informed that the water heater couldn't be fixed and needed to be replaced. 25 minutes later, the guy left after capping the line, giving me some advice on what tanks not to get, and got a check for over $100. Then I let Guillermo back in, shut the front door, and cried for a couple of minutes because this whole thing is frustrating.

And I managed to mess up some when starting my pot roast this morning, so it might not be as moist and delicious as it should be.

Can it just be June now? June seems to like me. May seems to treat me with contempt.

Does anyone want to give me a new water heater (and pay for it to be installed)?

Jittery

I'm feeling jittery this morning. I'm not quite sure if it was the energy drink (possibly the caffeine) or if it's waiting to hear about my water heater.

All I know is that I'm shaking a little. And I don't like it.

But I should hear from the plumber soon. And, hopefully, after that, I'll stop feeling quite so jittery.

Later.

It's Not Raining, So Why Is It Pouring?

The other day, Ace discovered something bad, something that we thought had been fixed, but apparently has reared it's ugly head again.

Our water heater is leaking. So, tomorrow, I get to call up a plumber (I already know who I'm calling) and find out how much it will be to either fix the water heater (for now) or to cap of the lines so that we will still have running water (even though it will be cold, which makes me less than happy).

Have I mentioned not liking my house? Because right now, it's a stress inducer. Hopefully, tomorrow, the water heater can be fixed (quickly) and we will have hot water again by Saturday. Hopefully.

Where is that alcohol in the fridge again? Oh wait, I'm just going to watch funny TV, that should be better overall.

I'll update you after I know something.

Later.

I Have Large... Tracts of Land

I don't currently have large tracts of land, but I like Monty Python and the Holy Grail (or any of the Monty Python stuff, really).

Instead, today I am going to talk about my large chest.

I've been noticing my chest more and more recently. I don't think it's growing, I just think it's currently holding my attention. My correct bra size (the last time I was fitted, which has been, admittedly, a while ago) is 34H (all natural, because who would go that big? and what doctor would allow it?).

I'm trying to give that a chance to sink in. This means that my chest, at it's furthest point, is 8 inches further than it is right under my arms. It's not surprising that I have back issues stemming from nothing other than getting upright.

While my chest is large, it seems even larger when I realize that the rest of me is fairly small in stature (other than my belly, but it's not big enough to justify those 8 inches). Ace, who is a good deal larger than me, can't cup one of my breasts in just one hand.

If I could share the wealth, believe me I would. I'd be happy with a C or a D cup (D is roughly where I was at when Ace and I got married). I'd like to be able to eat without feeling like I'm going to get food down my cleavage (it's almost inevitable at this point). I'd like to not have to wear a bra almost 24-7 just to have enough support to keep my back from constantly complaining (believe it or not, my back doesn't usually hurt, so the bra thing must actually work). I would gladly give up an impressive amount of cleavage to be able to comfortably wear a button up the front shirt (also, 8 inches of boobs don't stick out, they kind of hang down).

And I know that I could have a breast reduction. My health insurance would probably cover it (most insurance policies do). But, I'm waiting on doing that. I'm waiting for a chance to have children and at least attempt breastfeed each of them. Because to me, all the sore backs, lack of button up the front tops, food in cleavage, and frustration in general about the size of my chest is worth it to try to do something like that for my kids.

Besides, when I do go have the breast reduction surgery, I plan on having the ladies (as they are called in this house... it's been determined that they are too big to be girls) lifted back into place. So, there is that to look forward to as well.

And for now, I'll keep trying to get pregnant, and I'll keep waiting (and wearing my bras).

Remembering

As I try to remember him, I find myself failing, a fact that makes me sad but doesn't surprise me. I was only 4 and 1/2 when he died, so there wouldn't be many memories.

I'm talking about my grandfather, someone who is shrouded in mystery to me, as he hasn't been a frequent topic of conversation.

I know that he fought in World War II. I know that he was a Christian. I know that he loved me, and settled me in his lap (which I will always remember as big, even though it probably wasn't that big) and read to me. I know that his children didn't always believe exactly the same as he did and that caused a few arguments.

I know that when I was 4 and 1/2, I had the chicken pox and he and my grandmother came down to take care of me until I was better so my mom could return to work, but instead he died (he wasn't doing well, but he didn't want to focus on himself, but on his family). Only, in my memories, the chicken pox and his death aren't linked. They are seperate events. But then, it was so long ago and I was so little.

As Memorial Day approaches, I find myself wishing that he had lived longer (he was over 50 when my mother was born, so he had lived a long life by the time I came around), so that I could actually remember him. But mostly, I wish that he had lived longer so that I could have thanked him for serving his country and making the world safer for us to live in.

Since I can't say thank you to my grandfather, I'll say it to all the men and women who are serving, and their families. Thank you. I appreciate your sacrifice. I know it isn't much, but I'm proud to call you my fellow American. Thank you for protecting my freedom.

And to everyone else, please take some time to remember someone who has served or is serving this country.

P.S.: Thank you to my other family members who have served and who are currently serving in the military. Your service means a lot to me.

Amusement

Earlier, Ace and I were in bed, cuddling and talking. We were both in a silly mood and just generally not being serious.

I said something really strange and silly, and then I said something to the effect of "don't give me a hard time."

Ace's response: "I guess there won't be sex then."

Then we both cracked up for a few minutes.

We need more days where we get all cuddly and silly, as it's great fun.

TTFN!

Trying to Find Distractions

Today, I tried to find some things to distract myself throughout the day.

My friend, Jenna, is going through a hard time right now, and she had to have surgery today. I distracted myself so that I wouldn't focus completely on that all day long (it didn't fully work, I checked her blog for updates all day and was relieved to see posts up with her seeming to be doing well after surgery).

I did, as good friends should, send her some e-mails of encouragement (and faith), sent an e-card to help cheer her up, and left her comments on her blog, trying to let her know that I care. And I got her to laugh, mainly because when I was up in the middle of the night last night (as I seem to often be), I sent the Bible quote I meant to, but attributed it to the wrong book of the Bible.

I'm hoping that the rest of her May and mine will go much better, and that her physical problems are all corrected so that she only has to deal with the emotional aspects of what has happened.

Jenna, I'm here, willing to listen, if you need someone to pour yourself out to and Joey isn't around (because he has work or school or if you just want someone else to say it all to). And if you would like me to just try to find silly things to send you (or even just more Bible verses), let me know. Anything I can do to help, I'm more than happy to do.

Tonight, The Dog's Name Is Mud

Ace and I spent most of this afternoon both at home and in the living room with Guillermo. Around 9, we went to do our grocery shopping.

Guess who couldn't wait to go to the bathroom while we were gone?

Right in front of where Ace sits, there is now a spot that is being treated to get rid of any stain and any smell. Ace plans on waiting up to scrub the spot one more time, then when the spot is dry, I get to vacuum it (Ace has work tomorrow and should already be in bed).

Why would Guillermo choose the only time he's been alone in a while to do something he knows better than to do?

At least it doesn't smell as bad as it did the last time something like this happened (although, he can't claim sickness as the reason this time either).

Distractions

Tuesday, Ace decided that he should reformat his hard drive to try to make his computer work better. After he finished, he remarked that his computer was working a lot faster now, and maybe I should think about doing the same thing. Before too long, he had me convinced, so I saved what I thought was important (except I missed one very important file, but I'm already over it), and reformatted my hard drive too.

Tuesday evening, I spent a good amout of time re-installing some games and Trend Micro (it stops my computer from getting viruses/spyware/anything bad from the internet). I also spent a little while baby-sitting Ace's laptop as he was re-downloading World of Warcraft (seriously, that is a proposition that takes some time, as there have been many, many patches since the latest part came out).

Then, yesterday, Ace and I decided that I should go ahead and install WoW back on my computer. 8 hours later (I told you, it takes time), I was done and we played for about an hour and a half before I was just done for the day (I feel the need to stop at 5 hours, mostly so that I'll move away from my computer and out of my chair for at least a little while).

So, if you want to know why I haven't posted recently, it's because I was busy making changes to my laptop and it kept me rather distracted.

My Wonderful Husband

Yesterday, Ace could tell I was feeling down and having a bad day. So, while he was sending his mother an e-card to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, he found a card to send to me to cheer me up.

This morning, in my e-mail, there the card was sitting and waiting for me.

He just wanted me to know that he loves me.

It helps that the bad news I got yesterday about my grandma was followed up (still last night) about my grandma with good news (she was in the hospital, but she's just got a bug and it isn't something majorly serious). It also helps that he got off work early today and so I've gotten to spend most of the day with him.

My husband, who thinks of sending me uplifting cards when I'm feeling like crying, is the most wonderful husband ever!!! (your mileage may vary)

The Worst Day

What, if you were in my position (trying, month after month to get pregnant), would be the worst day for your period to start?

The answer, of course, is Mother's Day.

If you need me, I'll be trying not to cry in my bed, wrapped up in a blanket, waiting for Ace to come home from work.

Stupid made up holidays.

Free* Chocolate

Mars company has decided to provide some Real Chocolate Relief (as opposed to fake chocolate relief, I guess). If you go to http://www.realchocolate.com on Fridays, they will send you a coupon for free chocolate.

They stress that it's free coupons to the first 250,000 people (so, you may miss the free chocolate if you dawdle... and someday I'll stop using slang that's older than I am, maybe). Mars is doing this every Friday (for several months), with a coupon per e-mail address, up to 4 per mailing address.

Now, I'm saying all this because I'm excited about the idea of free chocolate. And I think other people should benefit from this too. So, go get your coupon for free chocolate!

TTFN!

Here's a Story... as Promised

Sadly, it took a couple of days to think up a story I could tell about my childhood that didn't involve surgery (I've only had surgery a handful of times, but for some reason, those times were sticking out). Instead, I'll tell you of how it took 3 tries to enroll me into 3rd grade.

At the end of my 2nd grade year, my family moved from an apartment to a house. Because this house was far away from my current elementary school, I would have to change schools the next year (I had maybe a month left of school that year, so I finished the year in the same school). So, the time to enroll me comes around and we (my parents and I) go to what seems to be the closest elementary school, only to find out that it isn't the right school. But they are pretty sure school 2 is the right school.

We go to school 2, and no they aren't the right school either. But they know which school is the right school as this isn't the first time they've not been able to enroll a student because it wasn't the right school (I'm not sure what the boundary lines were for elementary schools in my school district, but they must have been interesting). So, we drive over to school 3. By the time we're in the parking lot, I'm crying because I've convinced myself that they won't want me either (I was 8, so that may have had something to do with it).

Anyway, school 3 turned out to be the right school. I went there for 4 years and loved the school. But I still kind of shake my head over the fact that it took 3 tries to find the right school.

TTFN!

Don't You Love Old Stories?

When I was around 4 (see, it's an old story... 24 years old), I had to have tubes put into my ears (from lots of ear infections, which had blocked up my ears). While they were doing that, they took out my adenoids. I'm not sure why my adenoids had to come out (something to do with me snoring?), but out they came. At the time, I was sleeping with a Strawberry Shortcake doll that breathed out a strawberry scented breath (seriously, SS was popular a long time ago). My mother did not appreciate the smell of my breath (from breathing in the strawberry scent and the somewhat nasty smell of the area where the adenoids had been) when she woke me up while I was healing.

In an unrelated story, I currently have a sore throat. If my sore throat were my only problem, I'd actually be sort of okay with the whole thing, but right now I'm feeling generally icky. Ace and I have a lunch date tomorrow with some of his co-workers (with an agreement that they won't talk about work, which I expect to last maybe 5 minutes as it is the biggest thing these people have in common, which should net most of the group free dessert from whoever brings up work first). And when I feel icky, I start disliking being around me as I seem to get kind of whiny. So tomorrow doesn't really look to be all that fun overall.

Anyway, someone cheer me up with a story from when you were young (it doesn't have to be related to disease). And then, when I feel better, I'll try to come up with a better story from my past (one that doesn't involve me feeling bad physically or having surgery, unless you really want to hear about that).

Later.

Questions

I was looking at books on Amazon. To be more specific, I was looking at the Humor section (it's under entertainment). To my surprise, not so many flat out humorous books, but books that had some humor in them.

One of the books I came across was called "I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids", so I felt compelled to look into it. I read what I was allowed to read (not too much, but enough to know that I might be interested in it). Then I scrolled down to look at the other recommended books.

Why are there so many books trying to offer solutions to problems parents have with their kids? (I know... $$$) And why are so many parents turning to books to solve their problems? (I know... time)

But, I think the most important question is: Why are women still reluctant to admit that they aren't perfect all the time?

I ask because there are times I feel reluctant to admit that. Why does it seem like society at large looks down on me for admitting that I mess up from time to time? Am I blaming society for my inadequacies in dealing emotionally with mistakes and moving on?

Ace never makes me feel like I'm a terrible person because I make a mistake. But I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect all the time, something that can never happen. And the times I take that pressure off, I feel so relieved that I don't have to live to an impossible ideal (and interestingly, make fewer mistakes then).

I know that I won't find answers to most of my questions, but at least they are out there. And I'm working on myself by admitting that I'm not perfect, and that I need to remember that more often so I have less stress.

But why is this still an issue?

Computer Problems

Well, my computer was having issues. It turns out that I forgot about my wireless keyboard and an enter key got depressed and wasn't allowing me to do much of anything with my laptop for two and a half days before we discovered the problem.

I feel silly for forgetting about the keyboard, but I Googled for stuck enter key (because that seemed to be the problem), and then remembered that I had a second possible option.

Now that keyboard no longer has batteries in it (something that will probably cause a problem at some point in the future, but there wasn't any other clear option.

On the plus side, Ace and I only had to share a computer for one day. And we both have grown from the whole thing (mainly it reminded us to make sure that we keep all possibilities in mind).

So, now you know of my somewhat embarrassing realization from the past few days.

TTFN!

Supporting Local Businesses

Ace and I are supporting a very local business. 2 kids from our neighborhood are trying to make some extra cash, so they are going to mow our lawn for us.

Because of this, I've spent the past 10 minutes trying not to laugh as I hear them "discussing" what is going on with their lawn mower (which keeps starting and stopping). I'm thinking the kids are around 10, so discussions include insulting each other about perceived wrongs.

On the other hand, Ace is happy that he doesn't have to mow the grass, a task that makes him sneeze and/or get stuffed up. And they are willing to come mow it every 2 weeks, which will keep the grass from getting too high.

So, if you can, support local businesses like these. There are benefits to everyone when you do.

Leave and Cleave

Ace and I are spending some time today listening to some mp3s of a marriage enrichment seminar.

Right now, they are covering the idea of leaving your parents and cleaving to your spouse. It is an important step for marriages, especially for young newlyweds. And it's odd, because I'm seeing things that will be important for when I've got kids who are married (something a way off). Mostly things that will ensure that I'm a good mother-in-law, which is a good thing to be.

Right now, Ace and I are still working on the leaving of his parents. We don't see them often, but we need to stop telling them every detail of our lives (mostly our finances) when we do see them. They don't need to know all of this stuff.

Right now, we aren't sure what the response would be if we told them that they don't need to know the information. And right now, we aren't in a position to fully be able to not care about their response (soon, we will be, at which time it will hopefully be something we find amusing even if it's not meant to be).

And for now, we will continue to work on leaving and cleaving. And hopefully, we won't the only people doing so.

TTFN!

If I Twittered

If I twittered, these might have been my messages this afternoon.

3:20 Let dog outside. Going to watch Baby Mama.

4:30 Remembered dog is outside. Going to let him back in, then finish my movie.

4:35 Dog is in neighbor's yard, again. Am very frustrated. Called Ace and left a message.

4:40 Dog won't go back under the fence and into our yard for me.

4:55 Giving up on trying to coax dog back under the fence. Going to go back to the movie.

6:00 Ace calling on his way home. Will let him know about dog.

6:10 Ace got dog back home. Is my hero. Dog is punished for being bad.

Two days in a row, Guillermo had decided to get into the neighbor's yard (we aren't sure how, but he's obviously being coaxed over as he has to be coaxed back). We are frustrated and he now isn't allowed alone in the back yard until we get the fence fixed so that it won't be a problem any more. And it's frustrating because he wanted to go out so many times today. And him being where I couldn't get him back caused me to tear up a few times.

The Case of the Missing Deodorant

Or A Matter of Perspective

Yesterday, Ace and I were about to go do our grocery shopping. That necessitated the addition of deodorant to my person (additional deodorant, actually).

I went to the bedroom, where I keep my deodorant. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it. Then I went to look on my dining room table, because I remembered having set it there temporarily a few days earlier. But, it wasn't there.

On the plus side, we keep some toiletries packed up for when we go on trips, so I got into that and put on some deodorant, so the main issue was addressed. Plus, with going to do our shopping, we could buy me some more deodorant.

Then Ace walked into the bedroom, looked on the dresser, and announced that my deodorant was on the dresser. I walked back into the bedroom and couldn't see the deodorant. Then he pointed out where it had gotten pushed to.

From the angle I was looking, it was completely blocked from view. So the whole thing ended up just being a matter of perspective.

And then we bought me some more deodorant while we were at the store so that this wouldn't happen again anytime soon.

TTFN!

Craziness Insued

So, Tuesday I got a massage. My back felt so nice afterward.

Just as I started feeling good, Ace started fighting off what was probably a sinus infection. Other than a somewhat stuffy nose and a desire to blow his nose a lot, he's feeling much better now.

It was odd. I went from the least healthy member of this family to the healthiest in one hour (Guillermo wasn't feeling well earlier this week either). So, it's been a little crazy around the house.

Today, Ace was finally feeling well enough for us to go do our grocery shopping. Plus, we were both well enough for me to do a load of dishes (Although, my back was a little sore when I finished loading the dishwasher, so I was happy to get back to sitting down shortly afterward.) which had been terribly been neglected for the past week.

So, instead of writing insightful posts, I've been busy trying to make sure that Ace was getting better (if he says differently, don't believe him, I was just cleverly making sure he was better while looking like I was just sitting around doing nothing in particular).

Hopefully I'll be back with a better post soon.

Shifting Plans

Today, my friend/therapist/massage therapist Karen called me up and asked if she could borrow Guillermo for a couple of weeks. There have been some things happening that made her uncomfortable and she wanted a little more protection around her house. She did insist, since she called while Ace was at work, that I wait and confer with Ace before giving her an answer.

Of course, we said yes. We want her to feel safe in her own home and while Guillermo might not be a guard dog, he would at least warn off bad guys by barking. Since she is living with her mother (who had originally agreed to this plan), she had to make sure her mother would be home to watch her kids (Jack and Jill) while she came by to pick Guillermo up.

Around 9, she sent me a few text messages saying that her mother had changed her mind about Guillermo being there. But since her kids were so excited about seeing Guillermo (as he used to be their dog), she wants to bring them by tomorrow to see him. Of course, that is perfectly fine with me.

And, to add to the oddness of the day, one of our neighbors came by and told us that the pit bull next door (the one who barks at anything in his yard and ours and has gotten Guillermo to bark) got lose from his chain and got out of his fenced yard and bit a child. In the morning, the dog is being taken away (We don't know for how long, but we're hoping it won't be back. Also, the neighbors don't know it's happening, so don't tell them.). Hearing that, I'm actually happy that I haven't spent all that much time outside since the neighbors moved in (not that I was outdoors much before that, but still). Hopefully their little dogs will also be kept up with better now too, as Ace has almost hit one when it randomly darted out into the street (plus, they keep coming into our yard for no reason other than to bark at the kids playing outside).

I'm hoping that the kid that was bitten is okay. Recently, with the warm weather, the younger kids of the neighborhood have been playing outside (something that is only slightly annoying when Ace and I want to go somewhere/come home and they are in our driveway, otherwise we don't really care). My main reason for wishing the dog won't come back is for the safety of those kids (although, I won't miss the barking). They should be able to play outside without worrying that a fenced in dog is going to get out and bite them. I'm happy that the worst Guillermo would do is accidentally knock them over in his excitement to possibly play fetch (not that he's allowed out unsupervised, but still).

Hopefully, after Tuesday when Karen gives me a massage, I'll be feeling better and will come back and write more (I haven't really wanted to post a lot of posts about my back hurting this past week, so I just haven't posted).

And now, I think I'll head to bed.

TTFN!

Some Weeks End Well

While I'm still waiting to hear from anyone wanting to offer me a job, I have had other good things happening this week.

Ace and I went to look at the outside of a house we might possibly want to buy (maybe) if things go the right way. (No, I couldn't keep from making a definitive statement more if I tried.)

We also went by Home Depot and got some stuff to kill our ants and some wood strips to keep my massage chair from rolling off the back of the box that it sits on so that it will be the same height as a normal chair (it's much nicer now that it's at normal height, and now I shouldn't have issues with the chair trying to fall over the back of the box).

And yesterday, after being aware that I could free up some space on my laptop by deleting World of Warcraft (I was having issues with it not running right, so now I'll just play on Ace's computer when I want to play) off my computer. Then I fixed my DVD drive (my computer wasn't recognizing it, but it does now). And then I added a bunch of games I had been forced to remove to be able to run World of Warcraft. So, I'm all happy about having more games available to play.

All of that made for a nice end of the week for me. Now if I could just hear from someone about a job... Maybe next week.

Things I've Learned Lately

There have been 6 people who have found my post about hating my house lately.

I'm wondering exactly what those 6 people are looking for when they searched for "hate my house" or "I hate my house" and what exactly drew them to my post.

And I wonder if they read more than 10 words of the post.

I guess I'll never know for sure. But, I hope they find some peace with hating their house too.

TTFN!

A Good Mood

After spending a couple of days in a funk, my mood has vastly improved.

Some of that could be attributed to me spending some time watching things to make me laugh. Some of it could be a better night's sleep. And some could be that I stopped focusing on me and started focusing on, well, nothing.

That isn't to say that I didn't get grouchy a couple of times, I did. Guillermo seems to find my buttons and push them until I've reached my limit (I know, kids will do the same). But the grouchiness came and went without sticking around for very long, so I'd say that my mood is very much improved, indeed.

Well, I should go to bed soon, as it is around midnight and sleep seems to help my mood somewhat.

TTFN!

Complex Thoughts

Since my brain won't shut off enough to allow me to take a nap, I'm going to come here and write. Hopefully, my over-abundance of thoughts will be satisfied and leave me alone (and I should warn you that I'm kind of grouchy about not getting that nap).

I was laying in bed, thinking of how exactly I try to balance myself emotionally each month as Ace and I try to get me pregnant. The kind of things I try to tell myself to keep from letting my hopes get too high.

Every month, I have to remind myself that the week before my period is supposed to start that it's normal for me to start disliking spicy food. That just because I feel nauseous now doesn't mean that I'm pregnant, just that my hormones have made my stomach extremely touchy about what it will eat. I have to remind myself that we are being patient and that we will find out soon enough what is going on with my body.

And then, each month that I get my period, I have to remind myself that we will try again this coming month. That at least we get to enjoy the process of trying. That I'll soon be back to being fully sane and not crying at everything. That it's okay to hurt right now, but not to stay hurting for long.

Tuesday, I started my period. Today, the hurt has caught up with me. In a little while, I'll be fine again emotionally. But for now, I'm mourning what might have been (nothing special about the last month, just hope that's a little crushed).

And this month, I'll gear up to try once again to find the delicate balance between hopeful and realistic so that I don't get crushed emotionally if...

Talkative?

Ace would say that I am very talkative. And he's right. I am normally very talkative, but right now I'm feeling a little quiet, at least when it comes writing.

I do have a bit of good news. Ace and a friend worked on snaking out the kitchen sink. Our snake gave up while they were at it, but it did clear out the pipes enough that we can wash dishes in the dishwasher again (it still has drainage issues, but they aren't as bad and I can live with them for right now).

So, I no longer have a kitchen full of dirty dishes. I still have some to wash, but it's a lot nicer in the kitchen now and I can easily finish up in a little while.

And that's the big news around here.

TTFN!

Who is that Man?

Ace asked me a good question once (okay, he's asked me lots of good questions, but I only want to talk about a particular question).

We were watching TV, a common habit in this household, and some ad came on with Billy Mays (Oxiclean, I think). And Ace looked over at me and asked "Who is Billy Mays? I mean, other than the guy in the commercial."

I had no idea. I still don't, but it's odd to me that he starts off every commercial he's in saying "I'm Billy Mays." It's all well and good that he's Billy Mays, but why should his endorsement entice me to buy a product when all I know is his name and that he talks in a fairly loud voice? It's not like he's Walter Cronkite (not that I remember Walter Cronkite, but he has been named the most trusted man in America. Bonus fact, he's still alive!).

Can you give me a good reason to trust Billy Mays? Or should I just keep ignoring him?

Butterfingers

A little while ago, I was feeling like I had butterfingers.

I walked into the living room and went to sit down. I put my food down on my tray, and moved around my footstool to my chair. Then, I lost my balance some and fell into the arm of my massage chair (which is up on a block, but can go sliding off if bumped). Of course, falling like that bumped my chair enough that it wasn't as solid on the block and as I put my weight a bit more on the back it started sliding off.

So, I get up, step over my footstool, walk around my tray, put my chair back up firmly and then, somehow, manage to spill most of my cup of juice all over the floor. Nicely I avoided hitting my laptop, mouse, and cell phone completely. Guillermo came over right away and started licking up the juice (it's now mostly just a big wet spot on the floor). Ace moved quickly and took care of cleaning the juice off my tray while I sat out of the way and tried to decide if I should laugh or cry.

Then, Ace gave me a couple of hugs and reminded me that it wasn't that bad a spill.

But I still feel kind of foolish about the whole thing. I'm just glad the butterfinger problem doesn't pop up very often.

Now, if only I could get a good night's sleep so I don't feel quite so tired all the time (which contributed to the butterfinger episode earlier, I'm sure).

And now I'm going to enjoy some ice cream and some Tom and Jerry.

TTFN!

Excitement in Cooking

Today Ace did some cooking, but unfortunately for him, he made a few mistakes.

He made us a cake, but he forgot to grease the cake pan. So, when he went to take the cake out of the pan, some of it stuck.

Then he went to bake the ham we bought, but he was off on his math (which I didn't notice, because I was just wanting to go sit back down as my back has been sore most of the day). So, when we ate dinner, we had cool ham. Which wasn't really a problem since the meat was already cooked, but made for a great thing to tease Ace about.

Then he asked if I was going to write about it, which was a silly question. I countered with question if he was going to write about it, another silly question. So, here I am writing about his cooking mistakes and he's on his laptop playing World of Warcraft. He did try to claim that he's a guy, so he doesn't do much cooking, but that doesn't play because he does most of the cooking in this house.

TTFN!

Beware the Snow of March

In Tulsa, we had a mild winter. Mild enough that I felt kind of bad reading about people who lived elsewhere who had bad snow and cold and it was icky outside. This winter was mild and it stayed in the 50s for most of the winter.

Then, out of nowhere, it snows shortly after spring begins. We were having lovely 70 degree weather, not expecting much change from that, and then snow hits us.

It did snow, I believe, once this winter, and it was a light snow. But this was inches (I don't know how many, but it was several) in less than a day.

The weather is supposed to warm up right away (high in the 50s), so this snow won't last long. But it came upon us randomly and I'm not sure what to make of it.

On the plus side, Ace got to come home early because of the weather. Then, he took Guillermo and I to get dinner out, because neither of us wanted to cook.

So, be careful if you're driving in OK before the snow leaves. It'll probably be slick. Hopefully it will melt quickly and things will get back to normal (meaning thunderstorms and tornadoes, not that any tornadoes seem to come to Tulsa).

TTFN!

I Give Up!

Today, something happened that has me giving up on doing anything serious for today.

The stress has me wanting to twitch.

Yeah...

I've got nothing right now.

Later.

I Hate My House!

Okay, to be perfectly honest, I don't completely hate my house. But there are things about it that I hate.

Right now, the plumbing is my biggest issue. Something is keeping my kitchen sink from draining properly, and this is most evident when we load/run the dishwasher. When loading the dishwasher, I have to wait at least 30 minutes for the sinks to empty out again so I can run the dishwasher. When I run the dishwasher, there better not be anything in the sinks, as they fill nearly full with water draining from the dishwasher.

In the one bathroom we use, the sink also has minor drainage problems. It fills up a bit while the water is running, but clears out quickly afterward. The tub has no drainage problems currently. It drains quickly and I've noticed that I'm never standing in water up to my ankles during a shower (that's happened before).

I want to move. This house no longer feels like my home. But for now, I'm stuck here and I hate things about this house.

But I can deal with them, and at least they don't stress me out.

Later.

Trying Not To Be Impatient

So, I've sent my resume to several places. I've filled out online applications. And now I'm waiting (and still looking some).

How long do you wait before deciding that a company isn't going to get back to you?

It's not been that long since I started looking, I know that. But I'm frustrated that this seems to be taking so long. But I'm trying to be patient (something that hasn't always been a strong point for me).

Of course, I'm starting to get used to waiting. It doesn't mean I like it, but I'm getting used to it.

So, this is me, trying to be patient and trying to keep busy.

TTFN!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I'm trying very hard not to conclude that life hates me.

Last night, I got reminded how bad a situation with my uncle is (he did something really stupid, now he is going to have to pay for it). And I spent a good amount of time trying to stop focusing on that and to just focus on breathing. I was up until at least 2 am (I've been going to sleepy by midnight lately).

Then, this morning, at 7:30, a reminder of past financial mistakes by Ace came pounding on the door (literally pounding on the door). And my stress level jumped up again. Ace has told he to trust him and God with those situations and just focus on finding a job and breathing in and out.

Normally when I find myself at the point I'm at emotionally, it's because I've been focusing on the wrong things and I've drifted off. This time, I got caught by an undertow that I wasn't aware I was anywhere near. I'm treading water, waiting for some help from Ace who, hopefully, can see the shore.

And I'm cranky because I got less sleep than I need, and can't seem to relax enough to take a nap.

So, for today, I'm focusing on breathing in and breathing out, because that is all I can handle.

Later.

Good News

Today, Ace and I got some good news. When we got a new tire for our car, we were told that it needed repairs. Our friend came by that evening and checked it out and said it should be okay.

Well, today we went by and talked to our mechanic. He mentioned what we should notice if the particular problem they mentioned actually happened. Since we have none of those particular problems happening with our car, the tire place was wrong and trying to do more work than they were asked to do.

So, the good news is that our car is not broken. We'll probably need to get it fixed someday, but not right now.

It's nice when things go your way.

TTFN!

Stress Less

Yesterday was an example in dealing with stress for me.

To be perfectly frank, I was wishing to sink into a bottle of alcohol to forget what was happening around me by noon. That desire had me promising myself not to drink if at all possible (I stayed completely sober, and tried to find less stressful things to surround myself with.

Around 10:30 yesterday morning, Ace and I went to get a new tire put on our car to replace the one that shredded itself off on the way to jury duty. We got there and found it would be at least an hour before we could leave. While they were changing the tire, they discovered that we needed some work done to the car.

When we got home, we discovered that Guillermo decided to throw a fit by getting into the trash. Ace cleaned up the mess while I focused on breathing and relaxing my body. Ace then did some research on what needs to be fixed on the car, and found it should be quick and inexpensive to fix.

None of the events of yesterday were particularly stressful in and of themselves, but when added to all the other stress (especially from jury duty this week) I felt the need to drink or crawl into bed for the rest of the day (I did head to the bed to relax and watch some James Bond).

Because of the mounting frustration yesterday, I've decided to stress less. I recognize that I probably won't be able to get fully stress free, but I can work on not stressing myself out. I can work on stopping for a moment when I'm feeling frustrated and breathe for a few moments until my stress level drops. Because I know that nothing good will come from continuing to carry around the stress.

TTFN!

P.S.: I haven't expressly been trying to have nothing but serious posts lately, but I guess I've been in a reflective mood and that has come out in my posts. Maybe soon, I'll be posting about something on the lighter side of life.

Expectations

I've been watching Martian Child and something hit me. One of the characters said "Why can't you be what we want you to be?" and I realized that I really, really dislike that question.

And it's not the individual words that bother me. It's the intention behind it.

Expectations are difficult things. Not all expectations are bad, but not all expectations are good either.

My biggest struggle with expectations is when other people are frustrated with me because I didn't behave how they want me to.

And I'm not perfect about this myself, as there are times I expect Ace to know how I want him to act or what I want him to do when he has no clue where to even start to meet my expectations.

But the biggest thing, the picture I'm still slightly struggling to fully see, is that I shouldn't expect things of other people, including Ace. Because what I think others should do and what the should do may be on totally opposite of each other. And I don't have a right to sit in judgment of anyone but me (except if I'm serving on a jury, but then the government is requesting me to judge someone's actions).

So, I'm going to try (the key word here is try) to not form expectations of other people and to only form reasonable expectations of myself.

And all I can ask, is that other people be patient with me, as I'm sure to mess up some as I'm trying to change. But, I'm trying and that should be important. And I'll try to remember that you are probably trying too.

And maybe, if we all try and try to remember that others are trying, then just maybe we'll make this world a better place.

We'll just have to see.

Focus

Sometimes, I think I focus on the wrong things.

For example, sometimes I focus on what I see are my flaws. I focus on how those things are wrong or bad or whatever it is that they seem to be. If I do this too long, I start feeling like I've drifted away from me and I realize just how much the words of the past are still affecting me.

Sometimes, I focus on the right things.

Some days, I focus on other people. I focus on what I can do for them, even if they never know that I am around. I focus love on them and try to ease their burden, even if it's just by reading what they wrote and sharing their pain so it is lessened. Sometimes, I share with them my thoughts, as knowing that we aren't the only ones going though something less than pleasant helps.

I try to see the right things. I try to focus on them. Because focusing on those things keeps me from drifting towards other people's wrong expectations of who I am and what that means.

I'm trying to break out of my own expectations of the labels I give things. To see people as they are and who they are trying to be instead of as a label. To focus on walking in love and easing others' burdens. To be who God wants me to be.

But, I am a work in progress. I'm not perfect. I mess up.

And I'm still trying to be okay with those last three facts. To incorporate them into my view of myself. To not get too disappointed when I make a mistake or take a misstep. Because I need to not be so hard on myself, or I'm focusing on the wrong things.

Today, I will focus on the right things. I'll focus on the things I'm grateful for. I'll focus on how Ace and I can help each other out.

And, I think I'll focus on making some garlic bread. Because that sounds yummy.

TTFN!

Day 3

Today was a much better day. I got out of the jury pool for the case that was stressing me out. Then, I went down to the jury waiting room, and at 11:20, they announced that they were done with us for the week.

I should still get paid fully for today, I don't have to listen to a case that will scar me emotionally, and I get to spend time with Ace while he is still off for his "weekend".

The only bad things that have happened today are 1. I got 5 hours of sleep last night, so I'm pretty much running on empty right now and 2. on the way to the courthouse this morning, one of our tires shredded on the highway. We got it changed (okay, Ace and someone who works in an official capacity for the city/state got it changed) and I made it to the courthouse before I absolutely had to be there.

And now, I'm going to take a nap. Later, I'm going to find out when Karen can give me a massage to drive away the last little bit of stress from this whole process. I should sleep much better tonight.

Later!

P.S.: I totally hope that the guy whose jury I didn't feel capable of being on will have a fair trial. The biggest reason that I didn't want to be on the jury is that I wasn't sure I could be totally fair and not let my emotions get in the way.

Day 2

Today was not the best day.

Today started off well. I woke up on time, I got clean and got dressed and made it to the court house on time (early enough to snag a seat on a sofa, which is much better than a seat on an uncomfortable chair). I got through several more chapters of Pride and Prejudice and wondered where I might be by the end of the day if I didn't get called upstairs.

I got to see a grown woman (with kids!) throw a hissy fit because she wasn't excused to go home even though she was excused from the case she was called up for. It was funny/scary/annoying.

Then I got called for a case. And then I got to hear what the case was about. Then I got asked questions (as did several other people who were called upstairs). And by the end of the afternoon, I was fighting off the desire to just emotionally freak out in the courtroom (I think I was fighting off a panic attack, but I'm not sure).

And when Ace and I got home, I broke down and cried. Twice.

My plan tomorrow, is to ask to be removed from that jury pool. I obviously can't handle the case emotionally. I'd rather take the chance on a different trial.

Can it just be Saturday now, please?

Day 1

Today, I survived my first day of jury duty.

Actually, it wasn't that bad overall. I ended up reading the first third of Pride and Prejudice (and now that I'm used to the writing style, it is totally a good read and if the next two days end up like this one, I'll finish it quickly). I did not get called up to any jury pools.

But, on my way home, I got stressed out about the traffic I was driving through. It was partly because I was tired and just ready to be home and partly because Ace and I didn't have good enough communication between us for me to know that he was already home and I could just drive straight here.

On the plus side, for the next three days, transportation is not my concern. Ace will be driving me to and from the courthouse. All I have to do is sit there and read (unless I get called up to a jury pool, then I'll have other things to do for at least a little while).

But it would be nice if, when I got home tomorrow, I had nice things to greet me (other than a huge hug from Ace, because that is a given).

And if you have any tips on how not to get stressed when driving, I'm all for reading them.

TTFN!

On Oranges

Right now, I am eating an orange a day. I didn't set out to start eating an orange everyday, but it's been working out that I have been. And for now, it works.

Ace is happy with my current fruit of choice, as oranges are not that expensive. I'm happy because they taste good, are good for me, and are satisfying an craving for oranges (which I never expected to have).

(I'm trying hard right now to focus on things like my enjoying oranges and not me starting my period today. It doesn't quite seem to be working.)

I've gotten pretty good at peeling the oranges quickly and then spend my time on enjoying the orange itself. It's become my own little pre-bed ritual. Sometime near my bed time, I eat an orange. Not a long ritual, granted, but it's mine.

(Is all this talk about oranges working for you?)

(Me either.)

(I'm going to go now.)

Well, I've got things to do. Plus, I think this post has lost it's point.

Later!

And The Wackiness Changes Course Again

Because I was just starting to get used to not being exhausted, today I'd like to take a nap. Although, I didn't quite feel like sleeping from the moment I woke up. There has been some pieces of the day today where I felt awake.

The most important parts that I was awake for were when I was separating out our ground beef for freezing and eating later (over 9.5 pounds of meat, we won't run out for a while) and applying for a job. I also got half the dining room table cleaned back off to separate out the meat.

On the job application part, they asked me to apply after seeing my resume online! That bodes a lot better than someone who I'm chasing down. Also, they will pay what Ace and I were hoping I could get, so it's promising... and would feel more so, if I didn't have jury duty next week.

But, we are thinking positively right now. This will go somewhere and jury duty won't be a problem.

Have I mentioned that I'm feeling less stressed now? Yesterday, with all the energy and sunny warmness distracting me, I forgot to mention that my stress over jury duty seems to have disappeared. I am wondering, though, if the people who work for the court system ever get called up for jury duty.

In addition to feeling somewhat sleepy again, I'm also getting all mood swingy too. My emotions have been set to roller coaster, I think. I think roughly knowing what's going to happen next week is part of what has me less stressed, but it's got me thinking of other things like, will I have to go to the court house next Friday (please say I'll be done by then)?

But, Jenna getting upset by someone (and being slightly vague about who) left me worried that I said something stupid and hurt her (I didn't). And that possibility, and the fact that she felt hurt, got me feeling all upset that she was upset yesterday (Jenna, don't you dare feel bad that I got upset, or we'll never get out of this stupid cycle). But, some cuddle time with my teddy bear, and some music, have helped me feel better. The only positive thing out of that situation is that I realized that my emotions are going slightly wild.

Well, now that I've talked for a long time over what amounts to very little, I'll go.

Later!

To Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

You don't mind me calling you Taylor do you? You seem like such a sweet girl, so I doubt that it's a big issue (if you do care, let me know).

Tonight, I saw the episode of CSI that you did. I was very impressed. You did well. It was interesting to see how they had your character change through the year, with a different look each time she was seen.

I love your songs. Whenever one comes on that I know, I sing along (which is so totally not fair to your wonderful voice). It reminds me of being a teenager and trying to fit in/find love. And I think those songs will take you far.

I'm just hoping you stay on top of your career and around trustworthy people, because I'd hate to see the stresses of fame cause problems. I also hope you don't take any criticism too seriously, because there are people out in the world that will say hateful things because they are jealous. I don't understand those thought patterns (you being talented doesn't take anything away from me, so I just enjoy the fact that you are able to share your talent with the world).

I'm impressed with many of the decisions you and your family have made. You dress well while still being appropriately covered. You seem to know that teens and pre-teens are looking up to you, and it shows that you care when you make sure you are a good example of how to dress and act in public. And for this I appreciate you all the more. You do all the right things and avoid all the wrong things, which is something that most girls your age seem to struggle with. And that encourages me to follow your career so that I can show my future children that they can do what they love and not bend just to follow others examples.

So, as a future mother, I just really want to say, "Thank you, Taylor Swift. Thank you for being a good example, and for making that important in your life. I know it's not always easy, but it is important and people do appreciate you for doing so."

And as a fan of your music, I say, "Keep them coming, please."

Love,

M.A. Smith

P.S.: I love Our Song and Love Story. I'm also impressed that you write or co-write all of your songs.

And the Wackiness Continues

People, it's been wacky over here for me.

Last night, I was up until 4 am. You would think that I'd be exhausted today, dragging myself out of bed and forcing myself to stay up until tonight so I start sleeping like a normal person. You would be wrong. I don't know if it's the extremely warm weather (It's in the 70s with a high in the 80s. It's fantastic for me, but really wacky too.) or if it was the movie last night or what is going on, but I'm feeling wide awake and wonderful and like I've finally gotten enough sleep.

I'm still not interested in even coming near chicken, but my stomach seems happy again. And while I totally enjoyed my movie last night, I only teared up a little at the scene where the shop is closed for good.

So, after a few days of really odd behavior, I'm still experiencing odd behavior (but it's positive odd behavior, so I'll take it).

Just so long as nobody tries to make me feel bad for putting soap in my dishwasher a while before planning on running it, we'll all be good (weird dream).

TTFN!

Confusion

My body and I are on different wave lengths right now. It wants to sleep, can't stand the thought of chicken, and oddly would like me to watch You've Got Mail and cry.

I would like to stop feeling so tired, usually love chicken, and actually wouldn't mind crying at You've Got Mail (okay, we agree on one thing). Except that I really want to skip some of the movie, because I think it's entirely too embarrassing (I get embarrassed on behalf of a fictional character. It's ridiculous!).

On the plus side, egg rolls seem to be fine.

And the longer I wait, the more I think I know what may be the cause. And the more that happens, the more I'm slightly nervous, because I'm not sure I'm ready for my dreams to start coming true (I'm not 28 yet, right? I'm 23 and a newlywed, right? What do you mean the wedding was 5 and 1/2 years ago?). And while that would make me extremely happy, the idea is freaking me out some right now (it's the unknown aspects that have me freaking, I can promise you that).

So, tonight I focus on egg rolls and movies and potentially crying. And tomorrow, I deal with what comes then. And the same for every day after.

TTFN!

Zzzzzzzz

The past two days, about the only thing I've wanted to do is sleep (today, it's really all I've wanted to do).

I'm not quite sure why I'm so sleepy, but I've not really been trying to fight it (except with sleep). Between that and not being quite sure what to say, I've not posted.

That's what's up here. I'm sleepy and tongue-tied.

Later.

P.S.: We had Tuna Alfredo, if you were wondering.