Fluidity

Ace and I have been having to react to new and seemingly ever-changing situations lately.

We found out that we had some savings that we forgot about, so we're moving again as soon as we have access to the money. We're heading up to Springfield, MO. We've found somewhere to live (it'll not be a ton of space, but it'll be private), and we found out it will be cheaper than originally quoted.

With our savings, we'll have a chance to look for work up there without having to impose on my dad and step-mom any longer than we have to. The only minorly bad thing is that we need new cell phones, as we have no service with our current phones. But we'll get that sorted out soon.

Guess it's a good thing we're happy with things changing right now, huh?

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday. 29 years ago, my mother gave birth to me. I feel like I should have more to say about that, but I really don't.

Instead, I'm taking a page out of Jenna's book (or a tradition from her family) and posting what I've learned this last year.

1. While it's embarrassing for a little while, you get over the embarrassment of having gone through a foreclosure. And you get over leaving the better part of a houseful of furniture, because it's just stuff.

2. My marriage is strong. It doesn't always feel that way, but that's usually because we are focusing on the small differences. When we're dealing with anything big, those differences can come in handy.

3. My family rocks. My dad is currently letting us live with him (we aren't sure how long that's going to last). My sister came up to help us move (even though we didn't end up needing her help that much). My dad has also offered to store some of our stuff until we are ready for it again.

4. Sometimes someone else's pain cuts just as deeply as our own does. We can mourn for their loss as if it were ours. It can make us long to be able to comfort someone, even though there isn't really much we can say or do. It can give the past some merit, even if it doesn't feel like enough.

5. Often change, even painful and surprisingly drastic change, is a good thing. Sometimes when things seem the hardest, you find that you're happy to see the changes happening. And while you may get nostalgic for what was, you're happy that things changed.

6. No two people, even when they go through the same experience, feel the exact same way. You can sympathize more, but it's not the same.

7. My sister is fun to talk to, even when she's talking about people I don't know. She's a great person and I'm glad I got to spend a lot of time with her Friday and Saturday. Also, we both describe movies the same way (We jump around in the movie, trying to tell everything we think is important. I'm sure it's annoying.).

8. Sometimes situations are more fluid than they seem. Things can change quickly. It's amazing how quickly you can adjust to change. It's also amazing how quickly you can figure out what is really important and what isn't.

Today is my birthday. This past year has been one of the roughest of my life. But, I survived it and am able to meet new challenges.

But first, I'm going to celebrate. Because it is my birthday.

Moving Day

Today, Ace and I move. We're working on finishing up our packing and waiting for the assistance of my sister and her boyfriend.

We're moving in with my dad for right now. We aren't sure exactly what the next few weeks will bring, but we do have a plan in place for the future.

So, I should probably get back to working on that.

Later.

A Break In Packing

I am taking a break in the craziness that is packing and trying to figure out what is important to go visit my dad with my siblings for today and tomorrow. Ace is so cool, as he is fine with this.

And now I have to look something up for him before I forget and am gone.

TTFN!

Change in the Wind

Well, the big change that I knew was coming, but was ignoring refuses to be ignored anymore.

Ace and I are moving. Within the week. And we aren't sure where we are moving right now.

And I'm sitting here, possibly a little shock, trying not to think about it. My life isn't really in my control right now.

It doesn't help that my dad recently got in an accident on his motorcycle. He'll be fine, will have a couple of scars probably.

But right now, I think I've had 1 too many things happen lately. I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I think. I just know that everything seems to be changing, and I'm not the one choosing these changes.

So, I'm focusing on breathing and will start packing up books here soon. After all, if I'm moving, I'd like to take as many of my friends as possible with me when I move.

Walking in Love

Lately, Ace and I have started focusing more on spending time in the Bible and spending time listening to teaching from the Bible. And it's helping us both a lot, I think.

I know that it's feeding our faith. And it reminds me of when we were first married. We spent so much time with God and each other. I never realized before now that I had missed that.

As I've looked back over my life (over the broad-strokes, I'm not messing with looking at the details right now), on the good times and the bad, I've found that for every event that seemed like it should or could shake my faith in God, it's instead brought me closer to Him.

When my parents divorced, I was going to a church that really didn't know how to react to that or how to support me emotionally through that time. When my mom got remarried, we changed churches, which was awkward for me because I really didn't know anyone there. Through all of this, my faith in God just got stronger. And even when things have happened that have shaken my faith in humanity's ability to be good, my faith in God hasn't wavered. It's constant.

While my faith has remained steadfast, my attitude and my habits have changed over the years. My knowledge of the Bible has grown and my beliefs on the smaller issues, things that I see as minor details now, have changed as I've gained knowledge. And while Ace has helped with that, I'd like to think that I would have adjusted my beliefs to what I saw in the Bible had I been growing on my own.

I'm still trying to find a way to fully walk in God's agape love. I know that I'm not perfect, most days I feel like perfect is a long way away, but I'm trying. I'm also trying to figure out how walking in love with my mother works (I guess it's easier when I'm not dealing with her, but it feels more awkward).

So, while my faith is stronger than ever, I'm feeling like my attitude and my habits still need work. Maybe all this time with God will help.

Later!

We Must Be Thinking of Something Good

(Jenna, I blame you for my post title.)

Since Ace and I got our couch from Karen, we've started a few new traditions.

1. Ace is lotioning my feet every night. Which helps make sure we spend at least a little bit of time touching each other everyday, which helps keep us connected. Also, it means my feet won't be dry.

2. We are coming up with 5 things we are grateful for and sharing them with each other. This way, we focus on good things, just like we're told to do in Philippians 4:8. They are usually simple little things, but I think it helps us both concentrate on the good things in life instead of the bad.

It's amazing what all can change in just 3 days.

P.S.: We have a slip-cover on the couch. It's not pretty and doesn't really fit quite right, but the couch is no longer clinging to our skin so we're happy.

Good Things

Well, yesterday was a day for good things.

I discovered the toilet I thought had to be baby-sat to stop flushing just needed a minor adjustment (which has now been made), so there is a fully functioning half bath in this house.

Also, while Ace and I were shopping, we decided to get some pillows for the new-to-us couch (for support/something to cuddle/something to nap on/whatever), and are planning on buying some slip covers for both the couch and the love-seat so that at least some of our furniture in the living room will match (the only things that currently match are the massage chair and it's footstool). I'm not sure when we'll get the slip cover for the love-seat, but we are looking at getting the slip cover for the couch very soon.

After several months of feeling like we've just had bad news piling up, it's good to get some good news.

The Great Re-Arrangement

Yesterday, we got a newer couch. We bought a couch from Karen and her husband shortly before the wedding, and yesterday they delivered it.

Between the time Karen called to let me know they were coming by and the time they got here, I spent a good portion of my time moving furniture around (something Ace scolded me for last night). I moved our love-seat to another wall. I moved my massage chair temporarily into the dining room (it's back in the living room now, I was smart enough to let Ace move it around).

Now, our living room looks a lot smaller, but has a lot more seating than it did before (if someone came by, they could sit on something besides the floor). And today, I have a somewhat sore back from moving furniture. But, overall, both Ace and I are feeling good about how things are arranged and are happy that I'm not feeling as bad as we both thought I would today.

Time for a Hobby?

Today, I'm thinking that I need to take up a new hobby. I think I need to learn how to knit.

I've always been interested, but I haven't taken the time to do anything about it. Maybe now is the time to do it.

Plus, I want to start being able to say "I knit sweaters, yo" and seeing who knows what I'm talking about, while at the same time not lying about my abilities to knit (right now, I can't knit sweaters, yo).

So, yeah. I think it's time for a hobby.

The Mailbox

Our mailbox had been barely hanging onto it's post. We've really been needing to fix it for a while, but it's been low on our list of things to do.

Sometime in the past 24 hours, the mailbox lost it's tenuous grip on the post, and fell off. I'm guessing it happened sometime this afternoon, given that we didn't get a knock on the door with our mail from the postal worker.

Nicely, the kid who mows our lawn came to let me know, which gave me a good reason to actually go out to grab the mail. The mailbox is currently sitting back on top of it's post, but I doubt it's going to stay there. And I really don't have a way of fixing it right now.

This is just one more thing I don't think I'll miss about this house when we do actually move out of it, whenever that may be.

Oh, the joys of home maintenance!

7 Years

7 years ago, Ace and I met.

Today is Ace's grandmother's birthday. 7 years ago, on this day, he went to visit his grandmother (as did his parents, but in a separate car) and then he was invited to go to a cookout that his brother's college/young professionals church group was having. After initially refusing to go, Ace changed his mind.

I, on the other hand, was at my college apartment (it was an apartment literally owned by my college) trying to figure out what to wear to that very same cookout, as I was in the same church group (yep, I knew and was friends with Ace's brother a while before I ever met Ace). I wanted to hang out with friends and forget that I was interested in meeting a guy (the last guy I had met that was a potential boyfriend was flirting with other girls behind my back, which was only an issue because it was behind my back). I just wanted to have some fun.

Arriving at the cookout, I found out that a majority of my friends were watching a football game (something I'm not interested in). So, I made my way away from the football game, to sit and just try to clear my head. Then Ace's brother decided to come say hi, which lead to Ace following him shortly afterward because he (Ace) thought I was cute.

After a little while, Ace's brother decided to drift away and go back to watching the football game. Ace decided to stay by me and try to get to know me better. After a little while, his brother and another friend came back over and we decided to play Spades. Ace was originally partnered with his brother, but he pointed out that they had grown up together, so it probably wouldn't be the best combination. That was apparently a test to see who I would switch places with (or who I would demand to switch places). I switched places with Ace's brother, which is what Ace was hoping for, and the we played a few hands of Spades before it was time to go.

At that time, Ace offered to take me home, but I'm fairly sure that the group I rode down to the cookout with wouldn't have been as comfortable with me riding with a virtual stranger, so I declined his offer. But, we did start talking the very next day, and decided we were dating by the next week (at least, Ace had decided that and just told me we were dating).

And that is the story of how Ace and I met. Now you know.

Searching for Words

I've been quieter lately. Not just here, but in real life too.

I think I'm just not sure what the right words are to describe anything lately. I'm not depressed, but I'm not feeling quite myself either.

I'm feeling quiet, which isn't totally odd, because I don't have an outgoing personality (although, I do have a tendency to get louder and seemingly outgoing as I get to know someone better). I think that the quiet is because of all the changes we've recently made, including Guillermo going back to his new family. I think this is just a time of adjustment, and it's taken away my ability to communicate.

I think, for the first time in a while, I'm just not sure what to say or do or think or feel, so I've just gotten quiet. I'm trying to get still. I'm trying to find center. I'm trying to find the right words.

So, there you have it. I'm quiet because I don't know what else to be right now. And I think I'm okay with that.

Finding Strength

Sometimes, I find myself surprised that I'm not a quivering mass hiding under the blankets, because I figured that this or that would be the last thing I could handle at this point.

And yet, I still find the ability to continue on with life instead of hiding. I find hidden stores of emotional strength just when I think I've reached my breaking point.

More and more lately I've been wondering exactly how this happens, but tonight I realized why. It's because of God's grace.

Every time I think I'm at a breaking point, I find that he's given me the grace and the strength to continue. In fact, he seems to give me enough grace to find peace and humor in my situation.

That isn't to say that I never have tears to shed or a desire to skip past certain things. It just that the tears don't stay and there is grace to help me through those uncomfortable times.

I still find it amazing and awe-inspiring that God loves me enough to ensure that I'm not a quivering mass under my blanket, but instead am strong enough to hold my head up high and keep pushing through the bad times until I get to the good times.

And if He does it for me, He'll do it for you too. Because while I'm special to God, so are you.

Falling in Love Again

Ace and I spend his lunchtime texting back and forth. Today we talked about my wish that I was currently pregnant and not on my period.

Me: Don't you wish I was pregnant?
Ace: That would be nice. Yes.
Me: Because it would make me happy?
Ace: That's one reason.
Me: And what are the others?
Ace: It would make me happy too.

Now I ask you, how can I not fall in love again with someone who feels that way?

The simple answer is that I can't. He's just too sweet and perfect (for me) to not fall in love with all over again. And he keeps doing things or saying things to keep that happening.

Waiting, But Not

Oh people. This is a weird time. I'm waiting on several things to happen. The only thing I'm not waiting on is to find out if I'm pregnant or not (not).

I'm waiting for Karen & her new husband to get home from their honeymoon to pick Guillermo back up.

I'm waiting on my period to end, even though it just started.

I'm waiting on DVDs to come in the mail from Blcokbuster (Get Smart, for the laughs).

I'm waiting on Ace to get off work, even though his work day just started, so that we can be together again.

I'm waiting on the other big change I know is coming, but I'm not sure when it will get here.

And, while doing all this waiting, I'm trying to remind myself that there is more to life than just waiting. Because lately (and by lately, I mean most of the past year), that seems to be all I've been doing.

On the plus side, I've never been so patient.

Relaxing

Or: Today I Really Feel Like a Bum, Because I'm Taking the Day Off After Not Doing Much Lately

Yesterday, I spent too much time leaning forward and looking at stuff on my laptop. So, Ace and I agreed that today I would take it easy.

And, for the first time, I'm feeling like I'm being really lazy because I didn't do much during his days off. On the other hand, I know that it would be a good plan to take it easy so that I can actually do stuff around the house again tomorrow.

But I'm feeling like I'm being really lazy right now. And it's bugging me.

P.S.: I'm pretty sure that my hormones are making me cranky right now.

Guillermo's Accident

In the short time between when we gave Guillermo back to Karen and took him back to dog-sit for the honeymoon, he managed to get injured some. He's okay, but he's still healing.

According to Karen, they were out at the wedding site (or on their way? I'm a little fuzzy on that detail) and Guillermo got all muddy. So, when it was time to leave, they put him in the bed of the truck for the ride home. Well, he leaned out of the side, further than he should have been, and was enjoying himself (why do dogs like having their heads out the window when riding in a car?). The had just decided to stop and put him in the truck, when they got distracted with some firefighters collecting money.

Well, a short time later, they realized they couldn't see Guillermo's head in the back anymore. They pull over and realize that he's no longer in the bed of the truck and there are scratch marks from where he tried to hold on down the side of the truck. They go back and find him bleeding a lot and having made a mess of himself, which freaked Karen out because she couldn't stop thinking that there could be serious internal injuries.

So, they get him in the truck and rush him to the emergency vet. The vet sedates him so they can clean his injuries properly (they are mostly on his face). And, of course, they have to shave a few spots to ensure they get everything fixed up right.

From what we can see, he got a big gash on his face and couple of smaller injuries to go with it. I have to keep reminding myself that half of what makes his injury look so bad is that his face was partially shaved. But, he's obviously doing fine and it'll just take some time for all the scabs to be done and the fur to grow back so he'll look like the Guillermo we know and love.

But it's odd to see him injured like this, and it almost makes him seem smaller and more fragile. Karen is now determined that he will never ride anywhere but inside the car/truck to keep this from being a problem again. And we're all reminded that life is fragile and should be treasured.

P.S.: The wedding was beautiful, even if they did have to move it inside at the last minute because of weather and even if they didn't have the music they wanted to play during the wedding.

Excitement Barely Contained

Tomorrow, Karen is getting married. Oddly, this has required a bit of planning on my part that has nothing to do with her wedding plans. Mostly planning when I am going to do certain things.

Today is laundry day, which doesn't mean a whole lot, but it's also the day we are getting Guillermo back to dog-sit him until they return from their honeymoon, which meant that I had to put the lock back on the gate. Tonight, after Ace gets home from work, I'm making a run to Wal-mart to buy some nail polish (and possible a sleep mask, if I can find one). Then, I'll come home and paint my nails.

Tomorrow, I get to get up, shave, iron my skirt and Ace's shirt, and then try to relax for a couple of hours until it's time to go. Then, we get to put Guillermo outside and go watch our friend get married (she has said that she's putting us to work when we get there, so I'm not quite sure when we should get there).

So, I'm excited over here. I'm containing my excitement, but just barely.

TTFN!

P.S.: I'm waiting, as usual. Waiting gets kind of repetitive after a while, so you can see why I don't constantly talk about it each month.

Stress Release and Spaghetti Arrms

Today, Karen came by the house to give us a map to the wedding location and to pick up the money for a sofa that we'll get from her and her hubby to be eventually (it'll get to us, no one is quite sure when at this point). And then we provided her some stress relief by talking to her a little and making her laugh some. We also let her release some stress by listening to her talk about how stressful the past few weeks of wedding planning have been.

I know that after the wedding on Saturday her stress levels will drop a lot, but for now all the wedding details are driving her a little batty. She's actually happy that we only had a couple of quick and easy to do requests for her (dropping off a map, making sure she really didn't care which pants Ace wears to her wedding, and making plans for us to start dog-sitting Guillermo through their honeymoon). She didn't care about what pants Ace wears, as long as he doesn't distract from her on her wedding day, so we made her laugh with a suggestion of a bright orange suit.

Then, we did our clothes shopping for the wedding. Ace already had a shirt, but I was in need of one for wearing (also, I was potentially getting shoes, but instead I'll stick with a pair we already had). I found two shirts that will work, and after we got home I discovered that we got a great deal because the cost for both shirts was less than the original cost for one of the shirts individually.

Around 5, I did my exercises to help my shoulder, but I think I over-did it, because now my arms feel like spaghetti. They'll work, but they complain about it if there is any weight used.

So, yeah. Today was about stress reduction and spaghetti arms. Because that's how all random days go, right?

Adapting to Change

I've not been posting much lately, but a good part of that is that I've been trying to adjust to all these changes. The oddest part is that I'm starting to miss Guillermo a lot while Ace is at work in the evening.

That feels really odd, as Ace has only worked one evening so far.

However, I think the new sleep schedule is going to drive me crazy. Because we can stay up late at night, which Ace and I both prefer, we are staying up late at night. And then I still feel tired when I get up, which isn't all that different from before the shift change.

It's just been a weird time right now. But I'll find my bearings again soon.

Schedule Changes

One of the many changes coming up is Ace's work schedule is changing. He's going to start working afternoons and evenings. His days off are changing too.

It's going to be different, but I think it will work better for us to have him working in the evenings instead of the mornings.

But, we'll see how it all works out.

And now, I've got to go mess with my laundry, because laundry day waits for no one.

TTFN!

Oh The Clogging!

Friday, I tried to vacuum up the dog hair from the living room. Only, there didn't seem to be any change in the floor (other than some obvious vacuum cleaner lines). Since our vacuum is bagless, I thought that it must be the filter being caked with dirt that was causing the issues.

So, we bought a new filter for the vacuum cleaner yesterday, and I tried vacuuming the carpet today. Only, I still had a problem with not getting anything up.

So, I look at the bottom of the vacuum cleaner, to see if the tube is blocked down there. Other than a lot of dog hair caught in the wheels, there isn't anything obviously keeping the vacuum from working.

Then, I noticed the part of the tube that attaches to the canister. It's full of dog hair, maybe that's the problem.

On the plus side, it's only attached to the vacuum by two screws, so I can easily remove it and try to fix the problem and then reattach it.

On the minus side, I really don't have anything to easily stick in this tube to get all the hair out. So, I grab a metal hanger (it wasn't being used, and was oddly the only purely metal hanger we have) and I straighten it out as much as possible and use it to clear out the hair. And, I quickly reattach the hose.

Then, I use the vacuum again, trying to actually get my floors cleaner, only to notice that it's clogged up again. So, I get to do this whole thing all over again.

On the plus side, there isn't a dog to add more dog hair to the floor and make this a continual problem in the future. And, I didn't have to just buy an new vacuum.

But, I did get rather dirty trying to fix the problem. And I didn't get around to folding and putting away my laundry today, because after working on the vacuum twice, my back was done with housework for the day.

Oh the joys of cleaning house!

Change Is In The Air

After a few months of just waiting for some change to happen, I'm suddenly faced with lots of changes happening in a fairly short amount of time. Changes that I'm not fully ready to talk about.

The one change I am ready to say something about is that Guillermo is no longer our dog. He's Karen's dog again (she gave him to us while she couldn't keep him, and now we've given him back). He is a wedding present for the whole family-to-be (2 adults, 4 kids).

She took him back today, even though the wedding isn't for a few weeks. It's better for everyone.

And so a season of change has started for this house. And as we find more things that belong to Guillermo, we'll have more to give them at the wedding. Now, Ace and I have to get used to it being just the two of us again.

Frustration with My Back

Tonight, I'm being reminded why it is that I get frustrated with my back some times.

Ace and I have figured out the best things to do to minimize my discomfort with my back when it comes to things like grocery shopping (he moves most of the groceries back into the cart, and everything from the cart to the trunk) or housework (I take it slow, do some chores shortly after getting up, and do about one chore a day).

And then, all I have to do to mess that stuff up is sleep funny and I'm suddenly unable to stand still for short periods of time without my lower back protesting, strongly.

It's frustrating to find myself planning to do some hand-wash dishes, only to wake up and realize that I'm not doing anything that requires me to stand still for more than a minute today, because my back won't let me (and I know better than to just push through, as the punishment will be worse than an extra day needing to do dishes).

So, I make plans, and know that we'll see in the morning if those plans will actually come about. And I make back up plans for what to do, housework wise, for if the original plans fall through (because of my back).

Later (after I get some sleep, as it is the wrong time for doing anything but sleeping), the goal is some dishes being hand-washed and Ace's hair being cut. The back up plan is cleaning half the bathroom and cutting Ace's hair (that won't take long, and he really needs that hair cut).

TTFN!

Blindsided

While I have a good relationship with my dad, we don't talk much. I tend to get wrapped up in day to day life (or rather, stuff on TV that I watch in my day to day life) and I forget to do basic human kindness stuff like write him e-mails.

So, when I say that I was blindsided by his news of a cancer scare, know that it is mostly my fault and that he probably wanted to keep me from worrying about him (he was busy worrying about himself and trying to keep my step-mother from being completely freaked out).

He doesn't have cancer. That caught it in pre-cancer stages. They probably got it all, he's probably going to be fine for a long time. But...

He's more at risk now. He'll probably have to be screened more often for potential cancer. I need to find out what kind it could have been and now my siblings and I have to keep in mind that we need to keep our eyes open for symptoms in the future.

Right now, I wish I was sitting with my dad. I wish I was there, like my sister is, just spending time with him. I wish I had kids already, so they could get to know him. I wish Ace wasn't at work, because I'm just not sure how to handle all this and I know I can't go anywhere until tomorrow night, because Ace has work tomorrow too (which would give me a chance to get my laundry done).

I wish I could breath easy. I wish I knew what to say. I wish this whole thing had never happened so that I could stay in my safe little world which currently feels like it's coming crashing down.

But, for all my wishes, I have to deal with reality. So, for now, I'll be sitting over here reminding myself to breathe and trying to distract myself until Ace gets home and I can talk with him about all of this.

And the next time I see my dad, I think I'll spend extra time just enjoying the fact that he's here and fairly healthy. Plus, I'll give him an extra long hug. I think we could both use it.

A Brief History of Cramps

Or: Sometimes It Sucks to be a Girl

WARNING: This may be a little graphic. Sorry, but I need to get this off my chest (or would that be my uterus?). Also, I don't know why I feel the need to share this now, but I am.

On the first day of my period (thankfully, a day that was roughly a week ago for me), I get cramps. Bad ones. Make me want to curl into a ball and cry ones.

Unless I take Midol at the first sign that I've moved past minor spotting to the full on start of my period. Then, it usually kills the pain before it starts.

When I was a teenager, I wouldn't think of taking something to kill the pain. Which always made shopping look interesting. One minute, I'd be browsing at my normal height, then next I would be crouched down and walking at that level (it did seem to drop the level of pain, at the time). Of course, as a teenager it didn't seem likely that stretching those hurting muscles would help make them stop hurting either.

Because of these bad cramps, I've learned to keep Midol in stock in my house and to move some near where I'll be when I first start noticing signs that my period is definitely going to start soon (like, spotting). I've also learned that on the first day of my period, I should wear the loosest pants I can.

So, yeah. Some days it sucks being a girl. But, one day a month isn't that bad, right?

Laughing Instead of Crying

A short while ago, less than 30 minutes, I got myself some food (queso and tortilla chips). I set down the chips and the queso to go get the mail while Guillermo was out, enjoying the yard.

Then, I moved something, slightly, and the queso fell.

I took a few moments to move stuff around, so that Guillermo could more easily get to the queso to lick it up (he doesn't get queso that often, as we don't eat it that often... and usually he just gets to lick the bowl). Then, I pulled the jar of queso back out of the fridge, put on some flip flops, and went and got the mail.

Nicely, he wasn't staring at me while I ate my late lunch (I kept getting distracted with my mental to do list and forgot to make myself something to eat until a little while ago), because he was too busy cleaning up my accident. Of course, since I was having queso, he was happy to lick my bowl when I was finished. I think that currently he's fairly happy with me, even if he is frustrated that I keep shooing him off from licking the floor where he's gotten most of the queso up already (I guess that it still tastes like queso to him, but he really doesn't need to keep licking the floor).

Nicely, I mostly found the whole thing funny. A small part of me wanted to cry, but the feeling passed quickly and then I just wanted to laugh at the whole incident.

At least one member of the household was made happy by the whole thing.

TTFN!

A Comedy of Errors

Today, Ace and I did some grocery shopping. When we were finished, we stopped by the gas pumps to fill up before coming home.

While Ace was pumping gas, I had some visual entertainment from some other car coming up to get gas.

First, they tried to pull in front of us, because Ace had used the back pump (the one ahead was out of service). Then, they couldn't get the car re-started (it had died), because there wasn't enough gas in it to start up again. So, the two guys in the car got out to push it to another pump.

As they are pushing, the driver's pants look like they are going to fall off of him, because he was wearing loose pants, slung low to show off his boxers (a look I've never understood). I saw his legs below the boxers from the droop of the pants.

So, they get the car to another pump, and the driver gives his passenger money for gas. Then, they discover that they need to be members of Sam's Club to use the pumps there (we had just been shopping at Sam's, so it was the closest place for us to get gas for the car). When we left, the driver was on the phone and the worker of the gas station's box was trying to help him figure out what he needed to do to buy gas.

Ace, as we are headed home, mentions to me that they had to have passed at least one other gas station before this one where they could have paid for gas with cash and not needed anything else to achieve their goal.

It was an amusing way to spend a few minutes while waiting for us to be ready to go home. And I was happy that it was someone else dealing with all the errors.

Planning Ahead

I'm awake tonight not because of my brain, but because I'm planning ahead into our future. I'm reading a book on homeschooling, because when we have kids, Ace and I plan on homeschooling (no, there is no correlation between me reading about homeschooling and any definite knowledge of the future. I just really like to be informed sometimes).

We are excited about the possibilities, even though we aren't looking forward to the discussion with Ace's parents on why we are homeschooling (we both dislike public schools, with a passion). Ace's mother was a public school teacher (She retired at the end of May. At least, the last I heard that had been the plan.), so I don't think this plan is going to make her feel warm and fuzzy about us. Although, I think she was getting tired of teaching to the No Child Left Behind tests.

So, tonight I'm excited about the future, whenever it may come.

Finally, A Good Night's Sleep

Last night, I went to bed at a reasonable hour. Then I slept fairly deeply for the night. And when I got up this morning, while still being tired, I felt much better.

Because I went to bed so much earlier than I had been, I got up much earlier than I had been. It was slightly surprising to me how much earlier in the day that I got my mental to do list done. In fact, by noon I only had 2 things left of it. By 2:30, I was done.

Now, normally I get everything I plan to done before Ace gets home, but it's not normally until later in the day. It was surprising to me to be done with 3 hours left until Ace would get home (the other day, it was within an hour).

Hopefully, tonight I'll get another good night's sleep. Hopefully, this pattern will continue.

But for now, I'm celebrating my good night's sleep.

A Letter to My Brain

Dear brain,

Hi. How are you?

Now that I've gotten that preliminary question out of the way, let me ask this one: What is up? Why, oh why, when you know that I need sleep do you decide that it is now time for you to work and think?

And no, I will not climb out of bed 10 minutes after climbing in (at hours of the night I know that I'm not supposed to know exist) to come into the living room and type stuff here. It can wait. I'm tired and my body needs rest.

Don't try to deny it that you were trying to get me up again last night, I was there. "Hey," you said, "let's go into the living room for a quick post. It won't take long." And I refused. Was not actually falling very deeply asleep my punishment for that? If so, what's the matter with you? You're just punishing yourself too.

Don't give me this whole thing about it being the fault of caffeine either. I didn't give you enough caffeine to keep me up that late. Plus, I used to drink Dr. Pepper and go right to sleep. I know it's been a while since I've drank caffeine much, but this is only supposed to be as much caffeine as is in a cup of coffee. And it should have all left the system HOURS before I went to bed.

So, from now on, we treat each other right. You don't keep me up all night and I'll continue to not drink much caffeine or alcohol. Deal?

Your friend,
M.A.

P.S.: Lack of sleep leads to missing things and not remembering stuff. I know those things bother you. Let's keep that from happening.

Snippets

I've got a lot of random things floating around in my head that I want to get out, but none of them are really long enough for a post to themselves, so I'm going to stick them here together.

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My sister and her boyfriend have been dating for about a year and a half. When she was little, because of her outgoing personality, we thought she'd be the kind of girl who changed boyfriends every week (like some of my cousins apparently did). From what I can tell, this hasn't been the case. Although, I do think this is the longest dating relationship she has had.

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Today, Ace and I watched 16 episodes of Get Smart (from the first season). While I don't think either of us expected to spend 8 hours watching Maxwell Smart, we both seemed to enjoy it (to the point we got distracted from the other things we were doing). When we can, I want to get the show on DVD.

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I have a weird personality sometimes. I am introverted and quiet, unless I feel safe and comfortable. Then, I can talk your ear off. I can get comfortable enough around groups to seem somewhat extroverted, but it can take time. Around groups of kids, I don't seem to need to observe the culture first.

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One time, at summer camp (Bible camp, 1 week long), I told my counselor that my only talent was reading (there was a talent show that night, and I didn't want to be in it). While this is probably mostly true, I think most of the issue was not wanting to get up in front of the camp and do something.

The next day, at mail call (pretty much all inner-camp mail), I had to read a Bible verse to get a piece of mail. I'm pretty sure I blushed through the whole thing. It was better than being asked to do a song I'd never heard before to get my mail (which also happened that year).

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I feel better now that I've said all that random stuff. Hopefully some of it was interesting.

Reading

I wish I could start this post with something cool about the idea of Death as a character in a novel, but I really can't come up with anything.

Instead, I'll just say that I've been reading Discworld novels lately, and I've found some of them more fascinating than others.

This whole reading extravaganza (if 3 books in 4 days can be called an extravaganza) began on Tuesday. I got Ace to take me to the downtown library before we did our weekly grocery shopping. He agreed because I knew roughly where I needed to go to find the books I wanted to get. Also, I had the cash for parking at the library.

So, I picked out 3 of the 4 books they had of the series, checked them out, and off we went to do our shopping. Later that day, I started one of the books and found it hard to put down for long. I finished the book within the day. The next day, I picked up another of the books and read it within a day.

The only reason I took longer to finish the third book is that I didn't read far enough to get involved enough Friday (and I didn't read on any books Thursday, for some odd reason). But, once I got involved in the story, I found it hard to put the book down long enough to do much of anything.

Now, I wish I had grabbed the other book too. I'm sure I can check the library just up the street soon to see if they have any of the books there.

TTFN!

Family Sadness

One of my cousins was pregnant.

I say it that way, because recently the baby died.

She was still pregnant at the time.

I've got mixed emotions about this. I mean, obviously I feel bad for my cousin. This is a terrible thing to have happen. It hurt to hear.

On the other hand, it all seems kind of far away and it doesn't hit very hard. We aren't as close as either of us would like. We don't talk much as she is busy with 2 kids and I haven't tried very hard to reach out.

I'm not feeling as crushed emotionally as I was a few months ago by Jenna's news. I'm just feeling a little sad, like I would if I heard anyone lost a baby. Knowing that makes me feel a little sad.

There is a small, teeny-tiny part of me that's feeling relief from small amounts of jealousy that we're hidden deep down. And I feel a little bad about that too.

This is one of those things that is still rolling around in my head. And I'm not sure I'm quite done thinking about it yet.

My Shoulder Will Eventually Be Better

Or: Why I'm Currently Torturing Myself Everyday

Okay, so I'm not really torturing myself, but it kind of feels like it after I'm done (when my shoulder hurts some and the muscles just want to be relaxed for a long while).

Ace and I talked yesterday to my chiropractor about what we could do to make my shoulder better to where I won't wake up with a sore shoulder and needing to not do much for a day because I rolled over in my sleep and hurt it, again.

His suggestion was to do some exercises for me to do to help strengthen my rotator cuff to help. He also mentioned that they will help try to fix my shoulder while I'm there for my back too. He also suggested that some of my problems were possibly from scar tissue, and thus would never fully be the same as it was before (I'll be more likely to re-injure it more easily now), but these exercises should, hopefully, allow me to sleep without hurting myself just by rolling on my side.

But for now, until the muscles are built up, I'm hurting doing them (it's been 2 days, and they are sore right now).

I did, teasingly, ask Ace if my shoulder was looking more buff now. His comment, "After 2 days?" And then, I'm pretty sure we both laughed.

P.S.: I blame the dog for my shoulder hurting. I know that I'm partially to blame, but I'm also the one that still hurts some, thus he gets the blame. That's the fair way to split it up, right?

The Dog Vs. The Tub

Before I start my simple little tale of something that cracks me up, I want to say that I've got lots on my mind lately. But, none of it is ready to be shared here yet. It's all still tumbling and I'm still not quite sure how I feel about everything yet.

Anyway, on to my story.

The other night, Ace and I were in the bathroom, getting ready for bed. In comes Guillermo, interested in the room because that's where we were. As long as he's just outside the bathroom, I'm content to leave him be, but as soon as he steps into the bathroom, I start automatically telling him to get out. Then, the perfect phrase hits me.

M: Do you want a bath?

Guillermo, upon hearing that and seeing me move the shower curtain, runs as quickly as he can out of the room and into the living room (a mostly straight shot from the bathroom).

I, being the loving and caring pet owner, burst out laughing.

Sure enough, because we are still in the bathroom, in comes Guillermo again. As quickly as I can, I ask him again, "Do you want a bath?" Again, as quickly as possible, he runs out and into the living room.

Again, moments later, same thing, reaction and all. And again. The fourth time I'm asking him if he wants a bath, I can hardly get the question out, I'm laughing so hard.

Then, we've finished in the bathroom. I'm standing in the bedroom, waiting by the door as I want some cuddle time with Ace (the dog isn't allowed in for cuddle time, it's my time). Ace is standing just outside the bathroom, trying to convince the dog to go to bed. Guillermo, because he feels like he never has enough attention, wants to come into our room with us.

Ace, as a loving, caring pet owner, then asks Guillermo if he wants a bath. This time, Guillermo runs to the bedroom, by me, I guess hoping for me to save him from the evils of bathing (he likes water, but not the bathtub). I kick him out of the bedroom.

Then, Ace starts scratching Guillermo behind the ears. Now, Guillermo is happy, as he loves this. Then, Ace asks again if Guillermo wants a bath. Guillermo starts... well, it looked like jumping, because he doesn't want a bath, but he wants to keep getting attention. Then, because I'm leaning against the open bedroom door, laughing, Ace, while still scratching, asks Guillermo again. Same reaction.

Then, Guillermo got sent off to bed, Ace and I had cuddle time, and we giggled for a good 2 or 3 minutes over the whole thing.

We never had any intention of giving him a bath that night, but it's a good way to get him to leave the bathroom (and it always cracks me up). And he pretty much always reacts that same way, running away from an empty tub.

I guess when it comes to Guillermo vs. the tub, the tub wins.

Awake

It's 2:15 in the morning. I know that I should be in bed, asleep. Instead, I'm awake and feeling like I'm probably going to start spiraling into depression if I'm not careful.

I'm not quite sure how I let the shore slip away, but I did. I think I got distracted with YouTube videos and didn't notice that the current was pulling me away from safety.

Part of my problem is that I opened the door to the past, to pull out select bits, and while I was there more bits came tumbling down. The past seems to be badly organized and arranged like all those closets you've seen in sitcoms where stuff starts falling and just keeps coming.

This is why I try to stay away from that door marked past. Because just when I think it's safe to open it up, for a short peek, it starts falling around me again, pulling me away from the shore (I do believe I'm mixing my metaphors, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. I apologize, it's kind of hard to keep everything as neat as I'd like it to be when I'm working on putting the past back where it belongs.).

So, as I look around, I'm not as far from the shore as I originally thought, but if I don't correct this now, it'll be harder to correct very soon.

So, tomorrow (or, well, later today), I'm going to sit down and talk with Ace about this. Between the two of us, we should find someway to help me find the shore again.

Later.

P.S.: Why do I have the words "I'm a survivor, I'm gonna get up" running through my head? At least it's a positive message.

Meeting Goals

I'm looking back on my goals from February. I can already tell that I'm not doing as well as I had hoped.

I've met my goal of reading Pride and Prejudice. I finished that within a week.

I've read through Proverbs 6 times. I've read 6 different versions of Proverbs. It's been interesting to see the differences and the similarities (of course, it should be very similar, since it's the same book each time). Ace has requested that I read a specific version this month.

We are eating at home more, but we aren't eating more fruits and veggies (although, I've probably had more fruit this year than I did last year) in general. Lack of a water heater has really put a crimp on cooking healthier food in general.

I've given up on joining a gym and loosing 50 pounds this year, as the finances also dictate that those things are at the bottom of the list of important things right now. It's more that I've seen that those goals are reliant on certain things changing.

Also, I still prefer things to be even when possible. It's some weird quirk that I'm beginning the think I'm just going to have to live with.

So, while I'm not doing perfectly, or even really meeting most of my original goals, I am trying. Things are happening. And I have to just have faith that things will work out the right way.

And until then, I guess I'll keep working on that patience thing. I know that it's not always been a strong point with me. So, I'll keep trying and waiting and believing. And, when the time is right, all my goals will be met.

Lessons From The Past

I don't write a lot about my past, and there is a reason for that. It's not that I'm trying to stay anonymous, because I could write about my past and stay anonymous. It's also not because of anger about what happened.

I don't write about it because then my mother's words, harsh, unforgiving words that I now only hear in my head (and only occasionally), would be given power again. And the biggest reason I cut off contact over 3 years ago was because of those powerful, hurtful, harsh words.

In my heart, I know that my mother always thought she was doing the right thing and that she did intend to make things, or me, better. But, she chose the wrong words. She criticized and picked until I lost confidence in my physical beauty and saw only the flaws. She never laid a finger on me, but the scars are still there, under the surface.

I learned a lot of things being around my mother, with her swiftly changing moods. I learned not to commit to something until I knew what it was. I learned how to keep my mouth shut, as she had already lost her temper and saying anything would just push her to yell longer. I learned that I had to be grown up and responsible and fairly stable for my siblings to know that this wasn't how normal people act. I learned to apologize for everything, even things I wasn't really responsible for in hopes that the yelling wouldn't last as long.

Since meeting Ace, I've learned new things. I've learned that most people see the beauty and ignore the small flaws. I've learned that I'm pretty, and that I deserve to hear that said. I've learned that I deserve to be treated better than I was in the past. I've learned that most people don't blow hot and cold on how they treat their loved ones. I've learned that getting me little things, like books and CDs, or spending time with me, isn't something I should see as just a treat for special occasions. He has helped me to see that what I grew up with wasn't normal.

Before you start wanting to blame my dad for any of these things, know this: he wasn't there day to day while my mother was saying the things she did (and I didn't tell him). He was in another state, working to provide for our needs. He was visiting us every other weekend and loved us much more than he cared for himself (still does love us). In his opinion, I'm one of the 3 best things to ever happen in his relationship with my mom. He still misses me coming and spending half the summer with him and his wife. He has never made me feel like I was less than the most special person, unless he was distracted by making my siblings feel the same.

So, I'm saying all this now, not to give my mother any of the power I took back, but to say that I know that not all abuse is physical. I know that still, after 3 years of almost no contact (1 stilted phone call and a friend request on MySpace that was just ignored), her words can come back to draw me down into the start of depression.

I chose my words carefully. I still tread lightly when I think I might anger someone, even Ace who loves me too much to ever hurt me. I try to find a balance between remembering why I don't want to resume a relationship with my mother and remembering why I do still love her and what few happy memories I can find.

I over think things way too often. I don't forgive myself enough. I say harsh words to myself.

But, I tend to temper all of that with kind words, laughter, and small things that make me happy.

I'm not telling you all this to make you feel bad for me. I say this to let you know that I'm a survivor. And I'm not letting a painful past hold me down.

But if I ever seem to be down, now you know part of the reason why. I'm still struggling with finding my emotional balance with my past. It's not an easy task. But, I'm a survivor. I can do it.

Back Issues

Since getting my new monitor, my back has been hurting. And it's all my fault.

Despite things now being easier to see, I keep leaning forward toward the screen. I'm pretty sure that I've messed up some muscles (or at least I've been using them in ways they aren't used in a while). I'm rather frustrated with this whole situation.

So, I keep finding that I need to take some days and not do much (at all) to try to get my back to like me again.

Today is one of those days.

I wish my chest wasn't quite so large, as I'm fairly sure that it would help my back not be quite so sore (possibly not sore at all).

It's Real!

Earlier (I say this, because I'm typing this a few minutes after midnight, but it doesn't feel like it's Saturday to me yet as I haven't gone to bed and slept yet), Ace and I went to go shopping at a wholesale club (we like stocking up on stuff there). He was looking over the list before we left.

Ace: Toilet paper! Real toilet paper!
M: So, we've been using fake toilet paper?
Ace: Imitation toilet paper.

In reality, we've been using real toilet paper, it's just not quite what he was wanting. So, with one request to not get one particular brand, I told him that he could pick out whichever toilet paper he wanted.

I think he's now satisfied with the toilet paper awaiting use, even if it wasn't exactly what he wanted when we left to go shopping.

I love my slightly quirky husband (of course, I'm a lot quirkier than he is).

A Solution to the Computer Problems

Well, according to my computer doctor, there are two solutions to my problem.

1. Spend $300 on a monitor replacement, which won't necessarily be done today. This laptop isn't worth $300.

2. Buy a monitor to hook up to the laptop. Spend what you want, have a working laptop in the time it takes to set everything up.

Since I'm typing this on my laptop, you can guess which option we chose.

My new monitor was just a hair over half the replacement monitor's cost. It's also much bigger than the original monitor.

Ace is thinking of getting one for himself.

Computer Problems

Hey,

I know I've been quiet lately, but I've recently had some computer problems. Problems that make me want to not use my computer at all. So, I'm borrowing Ace's computer (he's in bed, asleep) long enough to post that I'm currently down computer wise and will hopefully be back soon.

We're taking my laptop to see the computer doctor tomorrow, hopefully it will be a quick fix and I'll be back on my computer by tomorrow night.

- M.A. Smith

Just FYI

42.

That's really all I have to say right now. Just 42.

The Uterus (And Heart) Wants What It Wants

Today, Sarah (of Sarah and the Good Squad, who's post I've tried to link, but am having problems with) posted pictures of baby clothes and talked about how she's done having kids, but baby clothes make her uterus ache.

And that's how I feel almost all the time. Except for when I have cramps, because then the pain pushes all thoughts of little babies out of my head.

Even dinner with 4 fairly young kids wasn't enough to convince me to not have kids (actually, the youngest made my longing worse).

So, while some people, like Sarah, may be done with having kids (and good for her), some of us are waiting and longing and waiting until it happens. And for now, my heart, and uterus and, frankly, my arms, all want a baby.

So, I wait and try again this month. And hopefully soon my wishes will all come true.

Quiet

Today feels like a day to be quiet.

So, today, I'm being quiet.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll have something more to say.

A Short List

Or The Latest News from Me in Convenient List Format

1. Not pregnant. Hate hormones. Hate cramps. Chocolate bars seem to help.

2. Our financial stuff makes me want to hide in my bed. Not a good thing.

3. Between the Coke I drank around dinner time and the temperature, I had a couple of problems falling asleep. I'm going back to refusing caffeine in all it's forms (except chocolate and Midol, when needed) again.

4. I'm ready for some cooler days, which will hopefully be happening soon. Weather.com is promising cooler weather, I just hope they are right.

5. We have to have plumbers come out and deal with our pipes, as the lack of water drainage in the kitchen is ridiculous. Hopefully, we can do that soon.

6. Had dinner with Karen and her fiance and all their kids (4, all under the age of 8). Guillermo went with us and was a hit. Wanted to bring the youngest home with us as he was cute and sweet and adorable. Plus, he had blond eyelashes and big blue eyes. Resisted temptation.

7. Enjoyed the chicken fried steak (without gravy) that was made though.

8. The Cokes they had were made in Mexico with real sugar, and it reminded me of going down to Mexico on mission trips (we did construction to churches, it was hard work and lots of fun). The only real breaking point on the memory is that their bottles weren't scratched up any from being washed and re-used.

9. We had banana pudding for dessert. Now Ace and I need to go buy some banana pudding ice cream.

10. You don't pronounce the g in banana pudding. If you really want to go for it, you call it Nana Puddin'.

So, now you know what's been going on (and mostly about dinner last night).

What Do You Mean This Doesn't Update Itself?

Okay, so after getting all talkative and posting several days in a row, I went silent for a few days.

But, I've been doing... well, nothing is what I've been doing. Until today.

Today, I:
1. Caught up on pop culture. So very important, right?
2. Cleaned my bedroom. Or at least reorganized my bed room a bit.
3. Have fought off taking a nap so that I will sleep tonight.

Today, I plan on:
1. Reading another chapter of Lord of the Rings (I've got the hobbits in Rivendell and today I read about the council meeting).
2. Cleaning the living room.
3. Possibly give in and take a nap so I stop feeling quite so tired.

So, yeah. Today, I'm getting organized, tomorrow I'm doing laundry, and Monday's plans are still unknown at this point.

Zzzzzz.

What, Me, Throw Up? Nah

So, I don't think I've shared this before, but I get sea sick (sort of). I don't actually empty my stomach, but I feel like doing so. But only when things are wavy.

On cars, buses, trains, and planes I feel fine traveling forward, backward, and probably upside down (if I wanted to travel that way). But, put me on a boat (or jiggle my bed) and my stomach decides that I should feel sick.

Only, I never actually throw up, so I don't know if that would really make me feel better.

Okay, I told you all of that to tell you this: my hormones make me feel nauseous around massage chairs (and similar apparatus). I start feeling that same sensation of wanting to throw up. I know it's hormonal, because it only happens right before I start my period (or get a visit from Aunt Flo, if you are afraid of the word period). Otherwise, my massage chair and I get along fine.

Right now, my massage chair is just getting to be a chair. Right now, my massage chair is massage non grata for my stomach. If only my back and stomach were on the same page (I'd kind of like a massage, but I don't really relish the idea of feeling queasy).

So, I'll stay here avoiding doing something to annoy my stomach and I'll wait. Because there isn't too much more I can do for now.

The Book

Earlier, I did something I never do. I threw a book.

To tell you why I'm so shocked (and appalled) by my behavior, I should probably tell you that I love books. Books have been there for me when there wasn't anyone else. Books and I have always been close friends. I hate getting rid of books in any manner. I love books.

And earlier, in a fit of anger and hurt and hormones, I threw one.

I had hoped it would make me feel better, but it didn't.

Ace wasn't exactly happy to hear a loud thunk out of no where (or to find a book on the floor). And he told me I needed to figure out what was going on and to calm way down.

So, I took a drive, with the dog (who we had planned on taking for a car ride today). And it helped me calm down (it also helped that there was pretty much no one on the road at that time of day).

Now, I need to find a healthier way of dealing with my emotions when my hormones exacerbate them to bad levels that make me feel so angry and hurt. I need to talk or shout or something.

But I need to not throw books. Because books are my friends and that is no way to treat a friend.

Hormones Abound

Earlier, my hormones have decided to manifest as a queasy stomach.

While that is nicer than getting angry with the dog for no reason, it's not exactly fun. After all, who wants to feel a desire to throw up?

So, I'm trying to keep my stomach as happy as possible (while still remaining as quiet as possible, as it's after Ace's bedtime and he has work tomorrow).

Well, I'm off to find something to help settle my stomach, right after I visit the bathroom.

And I'm trying not to read anything into any pregnancy symptoms I feel, as they seem to pop up right before my period starts (although, I'm sleeping way more than normal, feeling queasy, having random mood swings, and peeing more than usual, all of which are related to pregnancy, but are mostly also related to the hormone progesterone which is released after ovulation to foster pregnancy/signal the beginning of a period) (yes, I have been studying up on my reproductive cycle).

Okay, seriously, I'm off now.

Later

Late Night Annoyances

I'm sitting here, on my bed, trying to convince myself to start actually laying down and getting closer to sleeping, since I've been so sleepy lately (I'm blaming hormones, because I'm not normally this tired. I took a nap this evening, and I'm still kind of tired).

And then, I hear them.

Pop, pop, wrrrrrreeeeeee (that spelling is as close as I can get to the whistle sound).

Fireworks.

They are illegal inside city limits (even on the 4th, unless the government has approved the show, which they wouldn't at this time of day). Plus, I'm sure they are breaking another few laws regarding when noisy things can be done in a neighborhood.

It's after midnight, so it's no longer the 4th. And all I can think is why are they still firing off fireworks. They had at least 2 and 1/2 hours before this, while it was still the 4th but after the local approved fireworks, to have shot all their fireworks off.

And I wonder if I should call the cops. I mean, Ace has to work tomorrow and he needs his sleep (not that the fireworks woke him up). And anyway, what they are doing isn't legal. And then, the sounds stop. And I realize that it probably wouldn't have been worth it anyway.

But it was still annoying.

Independence

Just a few minutes ago, I read through most of the Declaration of Independence. I read through most of the charges laid out against England. And I part of me could see the hurts, the frustration, and the outrage at what was being done to push people to start the American Revolution.

It's shocking to think of how life must have been in 1775, and I'm not just talking about how people dressed or cooked or cleaned or got anywhere. The injustices of having someone killed by a soldier who would be given a "trial" and then allowed to resume his life as if he had done nothing wrong, to do something wrong and be shipped overseas to England to stand trial instead of judges being appointed here, to find out that the governors over you couldn't actually do anything without the kind's permission and he didn't seem to actually care about what was going on in this part of his kingdom.

Now, I know that's been resolved for a long time. But it's shocking to think about. And all these things, things that people were willing to put up with because they didn't want to fight, when added together became enough to finally say "Stop. Enough. We have rights. Rights given to us from God. And you can't take them away anymore."

Now, we have laws that govern us and govern our government. Laws to protect us from having housing soldiers just because they are near our area. Laws protecting our right to a trial. Laws letting everyone, government and governed, what those rights are.

Things like the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution are part of what makes me glad to have been born in the United States. It makes me proud to know that this country has been founded as an attempt to let everyone feel equal and free, even if it's history has not always borne that out.

And it's nice to know that some of our unalienable rights are still Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Long may that be the case.

Happy Birthday, America!

And the Hormone Roller Coaster is Driving me Crazy

So, now that the hormones aren't completely driving my emotions (like they seemed to be when I posted yesterday), I am happy for my cousin.

I think I just had some tears and past pain and frustration that needed to come out.

That doesn't mean that I don't feel like all this emotional stuff is something good right now. It's harder to deal with my emotions when they are stronger because they are being driven by hormones.

If I've learned nothing else, I've learned that when I get pregnant, I think I'm going to drive Ace and I both crazy with my hormone induced mood swings. I'm not quite looking forward to that. On the plus side, Ace has a tendency to keep my moods now mostly in check while my hormones are going crazy in my body.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see about how things go from here.

Blah

Today is a day of mixed emotions. My dreams last night were apparently a sign of that.

Today, I found out that one of my cousins is pregnant with #3 (another one of my cousins just recently gave birth #2). And all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry because I'm waiting on #1.

I had a dream that I was watching someone else's toddler for them. Only, I didn't know who they were or how to get in touch of them. And for some bizarre reason, I had a crib set up in my living room (one not quite big enough for the toddler to sleep in).

So, I think I'm going to talk to Ace about some cuddle time. And then, I may look for some chocolate. And then, maybe, my hormones will calm down and I'll be able to tell how I feel without question.

But for now, I don't know how I feel. And that's painful.

Bad Day

Today, I'm having a bad day. And I don't mean that bad things are happening, because on the whole it's been a lovely day in that regard.

No, I'm having a bad day emotionally. I'm feeling short tempered with the dog. I'm feeling other people's pain a little too sharply. I'm just feeling emotionally blue for no good reason (although, I suspect hormones are a part of this).

I feel the desire to strangle the dog (something I know I could never accomplish and really don't want to do at all) just because he wants me to let him outside. So, his crime today has been the fact that he's a dog and can't open and close doors on his own. That and the sound of his tags seem a little too loud today.

I know that tomorrow I could be having just the opposite type of day where everything seems to be going wrong, but I feel like I'm floating through it all.

But for now, I'm trying to concentrate on one thing at a time. And for now, it should probably be folding and putting away laundry (while watching some TV). At least then I'll be doing something constructive with my time.

And hopefully, that will help stop my bad day in it's tracks.

Other Than That How Was the Play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Sometimes, people asking innocent questions just hurts. The biggest question that hurts is "Do you have kids?"

I know why it's asked. It's a getting to know you question. It's a let's see how much we have in common question.

And if you're trying to expand your family from 2 to 3 (or for a variety of other reasons, including miscarriages and infertility), it feels like more of a let's remind you of something that's already on your mind and is sensitive question. And it's a question that you wish you could just push away or do away with altogether.

The simple answer to your question, at least in this house, is not yet, we're trying. The complex answer is that I'm trying to remember what I know God has promised me, I'm trying to ignore that stupid whisper in my ear that says that maybe I'll never have kids naturally, and I'm trying to remember that if all else fails, I'm happy to adopt, wanting to adopt someday in fact. Also, I don't feel like it's any of your business unless you are selling me insurance or doing my taxes.

And that is how a simple getting to know you question can be one of the most painful questions to answer.

24 Hours (Give or Take)

In 24 hours (okay, 25 hours), Ace and I will have been married for 6 years to the minute (give or take about 10 minutes).

It doesn't feel like it's been that long. It feels like it was just two or three years ago most of the time. The time has just gone by so fast.

Then, there are days that it feels like I've known Ace forever. He knows me better than I know myself, most of the time. He can look and tell if I'm up or down most of the time.

Plus, he got me a nice anniversary card that mentions that I'm his best friend. Because we are. We both think of the other as our best friend. There aren't secrets kept (at least not for long) between us. We both want the other one to be happy. We talk about anything and everything.

So, I'm happy that in 24 hours (give or take) we'll be celebrating our anniversary. Because I wouldn't trade Ace for anything.

TTFN!

The Countdown

This week, Ace and I celebrate our 6th anniversary. To help celebrate the fact that we will have been married for 6 years, Ace took Friday and Saturday off work. Right now, I'm feeling the urge to countdown the hour that's left until he gets off work (okay, it's 58 minutes) because after that we will have 5 days together!

We do have a few things to do this week that aren't related to our anniversary (at least, not fully). Tonight, we're going grocery shopping (we're going after dark, so it won't be quite as hot as it is now). Wednesday, I've got a chiropractor's appointment (hopefully after that, my back will like me again). Other than that, we don't have any set plans (other than me taking a bath tomorrow morning). We'll probably look for something special to have for our anniversary while we do our grocery shopping tonight, but we'll just have to wait and see.

Which reminds me (55 minutes now!), I need to add cards to our shopping list.

So, if you were a couple who were still completely in love after 6 years, what would you do to celebrate?

Moved

Today, my heart has been soft to the pain of others.

Today, I've felt the need to mourn for things that have been long lost.

Today, I shared something I haven't shared in a long time.

Today, my heart has been moved and I don't feel like I'm quite the same person that I was when I started the day.

I'm wondering what will happen tomorrow.

Changing Gears

Now that I've re-read all of the Chronicles of Narnia (okay, so I read the first two shortly before each movie came out and didn't re-read them right around now, but that doesn't mean that I don't remember what happened), I've started over on reading The Lord of the Rings. And I've changed tactics from reading the Chronicles of Narnia. Instead of reading a book a day (because those are some long books), I'm reading a chapter a day on the days Ace works. At least, that's the theory of how it will go.

More likely, I'll stick to that for a while, but will change my tune on Ace's days off as I start getting to some action.

In completely different news, I started washing our dishes by hand yesterday (apparently dishwashers require hot water to actually work, who knew?). Today, I worked on my laundry, but tomorrow I'll be back to hand-washing dishes again. The only real problem with that is that our kitchen sink doesn't drain properly, so I can't be absolutely sure that I'm getting every bit of soap off the dishes. So, for now, we're going to be rinsing dishes off before using them (just in case).

Of course, my morning yesterday started with cleaning off the counter next to the sink in order to put dishes down to dry, which was as big an undertaking as actually washing the dishes was. There were dirty dishes, dishes that had been hand-washed a while ago, a blender, the top portion of the ice cream maker (that hasn't been used in a while), a plug for a blue tooth product (we'd been looking for that, didn't think to look in the kitchen), the heating unit of our crock-pot, and a pile of sugar mixed with Borax to kill ants piled up over there. Plus a few clothes that were down for drying dishes that needed to be moved to the dirty clothes.

But, after moving all that and using some Lysol wipes, my counter was clean once again. On the plus side, I got roughly a third of the dirty dishes clean in less than an hour, so by Tuesday I should be all caught up on dishes again (and it will be easier to keep everything caught up after that).

TTFN!

Here But Not

Today has felt like a long day. Not that I've done anything particularly important or time consuming.

I think it's the fact that my living room is currently making me feel tired for reasons unknown.

So, for now, I'm here in this moment. But at the same time, I feel like I'm a million miles away.

I don't know what word really describes that feeling, but that's what I'm feeling. Here but not.

Reading

Today, I re-read The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (from the Chronicles of Narnia series). It's been a long time since I've read it. I enjoyed re-reading it greatly.

And it was interesting to see the way that CS Lewis wove in a belief in Jesus and the kind of life Jesus encourages us to live seemlessly into a fantasy story that is engaging and entertaining.

Tomorrow, I plan on reading The Silver Chair. It's nice to go back and read these stories as an adult because I see things that I missed (or didn't know) when I was younger. Plus, the stories still hold my attention, something that could just as easily not happen.

My set is an older set (from when I was younger) and has the older order still intact (based on the order they were written, starting with The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe). And reading through the stories this time reminds me why I love the characters so much (and why I got frustrated with the changes in the second movie). It's something that is helping keep me happy (as is the good news from yesterday, now that I've got more sleep).

So, what are you reading lately?

Good News

Today, Ace and I got some good news. Something we thought had happened hadn't.

Then, our internet connection that had been downed unexpectedly came back up.

And then, I find that, after all this, exhaustion has started setting in (I've not been sleeping well lately) and my extensive vocabulary is failing me tonight.

Today, we got some good news. Maybe tomorrow I'll be excited about it again.

Night.

Ugh!!!!

Well, I got a definitive answer today that I am not giving Ace the birthday gift I wanted to give him.

Instead, I got a day of feeling somewhat icky.

I'm tired and sore and my day really isn't fully over yet.

So, instead you get this crappy half post of me whining that I'm not feeling well.

Sorry. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Later.

P.S.: I hate cramps with a passion. And sometimes Midol just isn't quite strong enough.

On Birthdays and Waiting

Today is Ace's birthday. He turns 29 today. His plans, after work, are to work out some (at work, then he'll shower) and help me take a bath by heating up water on the stove so that I can have a warm bath and actually get clean (at least, that's the only plans I know of for sure).

Other than that, I am waiting. Hopefully, in a couple of days, I'll be able to give Ace a great birthday gift. Either way, we'll be happily celebrating our 6th anniversary later this month.

So, for now, I'm waiting. On Ace and on other things.

It's a good thing I've developed patience.

Later.

Good News Friday

Today has been a fairly good day, which is slightly impressive as we've not been getting the best news lately.

Today, I got a phone call related to me possibly getting a job (remember that job search I haven't talked about lately? yeah, it's still happening). Then, Ace texted me and told me that he was getting off work early (we weren't expecting that to happen).

Then we went to get a new battery put in our car (see, bad news) and it turned out not to be as expensive as we thought it might be. Plus, we now have something to jump start the car (we just need to charge it up, which is better than charging the car's battery every night and Ace spending his lunch break sitting in the car with it running to make sure he can get home each night).

Then we went and got ice cream.

So, today has been a fairly good day overall.

TTFN!

New Amsterdam? I Thought It Was New York!

Today, Sarah (of Sarah and the Goon Squad) wrote about remembering what the old name for New York was because she remembered a song from They Might Be Giants (it was a crossword puzzle answer).

Well, I commented about knowing why they changed the name (but I didn't put the reason in my comment) and she really wanted to know why, so she e-mailed me.

Before I sent her my reply, I checked with Wikipedia to make sure I had the right basics. And the reason is that originally, New York City was started by the Netherlands, who had formed the colony of New Netherlands (where New York is). Then, after several years, they ceded that land to England who decided to change the colony's name to New York and, from what I can tell, New Amsterdam to New York City.

And the odd thing is that I remembered about the Netherlands having the land and it ending up under English rule from my American History class. I haven't been in those classes for over 10 years, but this fact stuck in my head. Of course, now it's tempting to see if anyone around me knows this fact by calling NYC New Amsterdam, except that I have no reason to talk about NYC.

TTFN!

Jittery Sleep

Last night, I had a couple of issues with sleeping straight through the night.

I went to sleep around 1:30 am. An hour later, I got woken up by Ace's snoring. He doesn't normally wake me up when he snores (I assume that he snores off and on throughout the night and I know that I don't normally wake up). Then, at 6:30, I woke up and felt fairly awake (I think it was a temperature issue), but I looked at the time and decided that it was way too early for me to get up, so I went back to sleep.

After my alarm went off, I sat up and tried to wake up. That worked for half an hour, but by then I had lain back down and drifted off to sleep until my second alarm went off 30 minutes later.

I'm still feeling a little tired, but I know that I've had enough sleep so I'm trying to stay awake (I'm trying to get to sleep at a better time than I have been). I'm fairly sure the shower I'm planning on taking soon will wake me up completely. After all, cold showers have a tendency to do that.

TTFN!

6 of One, Half a Dozen of the Other

The good news is that I still have water.

The bad news is that my water heater is, for all intents and purposes, dead.

After 5 minutes (probably less), I was informed that the water heater couldn't be fixed and needed to be replaced. 25 minutes later, the guy left after capping the line, giving me some advice on what tanks not to get, and got a check for over $100. Then I let Guillermo back in, shut the front door, and cried for a couple of minutes because this whole thing is frustrating.

And I managed to mess up some when starting my pot roast this morning, so it might not be as moist and delicious as it should be.

Can it just be June now? June seems to like me. May seems to treat me with contempt.

Does anyone want to give me a new water heater (and pay for it to be installed)?

Jittery

I'm feeling jittery this morning. I'm not quite sure if it was the energy drink (possibly the caffeine) or if it's waiting to hear about my water heater.

All I know is that I'm shaking a little. And I don't like it.

But I should hear from the plumber soon. And, hopefully, after that, I'll stop feeling quite so jittery.

Later.

It's Not Raining, So Why Is It Pouring?

The other day, Ace discovered something bad, something that we thought had been fixed, but apparently has reared it's ugly head again.

Our water heater is leaking. So, tomorrow, I get to call up a plumber (I already know who I'm calling) and find out how much it will be to either fix the water heater (for now) or to cap of the lines so that we will still have running water (even though it will be cold, which makes me less than happy).

Have I mentioned not liking my house? Because right now, it's a stress inducer. Hopefully, tomorrow, the water heater can be fixed (quickly) and we will have hot water again by Saturday. Hopefully.

Where is that alcohol in the fridge again? Oh wait, I'm just going to watch funny TV, that should be better overall.

I'll update you after I know something.

Later.

I Have Large... Tracts of Land

I don't currently have large tracts of land, but I like Monty Python and the Holy Grail (or any of the Monty Python stuff, really).

Instead, today I am going to talk about my large chest.

I've been noticing my chest more and more recently. I don't think it's growing, I just think it's currently holding my attention. My correct bra size (the last time I was fitted, which has been, admittedly, a while ago) is 34H (all natural, because who would go that big? and what doctor would allow it?).

I'm trying to give that a chance to sink in. This means that my chest, at it's furthest point, is 8 inches further than it is right under my arms. It's not surprising that I have back issues stemming from nothing other than getting upright.

While my chest is large, it seems even larger when I realize that the rest of me is fairly small in stature (other than my belly, but it's not big enough to justify those 8 inches). Ace, who is a good deal larger than me, can't cup one of my breasts in just one hand.

If I could share the wealth, believe me I would. I'd be happy with a C or a D cup (D is roughly where I was at when Ace and I got married). I'd like to be able to eat without feeling like I'm going to get food down my cleavage (it's almost inevitable at this point). I'd like to not have to wear a bra almost 24-7 just to have enough support to keep my back from constantly complaining (believe it or not, my back doesn't usually hurt, so the bra thing must actually work). I would gladly give up an impressive amount of cleavage to be able to comfortably wear a button up the front shirt (also, 8 inches of boobs don't stick out, they kind of hang down).

And I know that I could have a breast reduction. My health insurance would probably cover it (most insurance policies do). But, I'm waiting on doing that. I'm waiting for a chance to have children and at least attempt breastfeed each of them. Because to me, all the sore backs, lack of button up the front tops, food in cleavage, and frustration in general about the size of my chest is worth it to try to do something like that for my kids.

Besides, when I do go have the breast reduction surgery, I plan on having the ladies (as they are called in this house... it's been determined that they are too big to be girls) lifted back into place. So, there is that to look forward to as well.

And for now, I'll keep trying to get pregnant, and I'll keep waiting (and wearing my bras).

Remembering

As I try to remember him, I find myself failing, a fact that makes me sad but doesn't surprise me. I was only 4 and 1/2 when he died, so there wouldn't be many memories.

I'm talking about my grandfather, someone who is shrouded in mystery to me, as he hasn't been a frequent topic of conversation.

I know that he fought in World War II. I know that he was a Christian. I know that he loved me, and settled me in his lap (which I will always remember as big, even though it probably wasn't that big) and read to me. I know that his children didn't always believe exactly the same as he did and that caused a few arguments.

I know that when I was 4 and 1/2, I had the chicken pox and he and my grandmother came down to take care of me until I was better so my mom could return to work, but instead he died (he wasn't doing well, but he didn't want to focus on himself, but on his family). Only, in my memories, the chicken pox and his death aren't linked. They are seperate events. But then, it was so long ago and I was so little.

As Memorial Day approaches, I find myself wishing that he had lived longer (he was over 50 when my mother was born, so he had lived a long life by the time I came around), so that I could actually remember him. But mostly, I wish that he had lived longer so that I could have thanked him for serving his country and making the world safer for us to live in.

Since I can't say thank you to my grandfather, I'll say it to all the men and women who are serving, and their families. Thank you. I appreciate your sacrifice. I know it isn't much, but I'm proud to call you my fellow American. Thank you for protecting my freedom.

And to everyone else, please take some time to remember someone who has served or is serving this country.

P.S.: Thank you to my other family members who have served and who are currently serving in the military. Your service means a lot to me.

Amusement

Earlier, Ace and I were in bed, cuddling and talking. We were both in a silly mood and just generally not being serious.

I said something really strange and silly, and then I said something to the effect of "don't give me a hard time."

Ace's response: "I guess there won't be sex then."

Then we both cracked up for a few minutes.

We need more days where we get all cuddly and silly, as it's great fun.

TTFN!

Trying to Find Distractions

Today, I tried to find some things to distract myself throughout the day.

My friend, Jenna, is going through a hard time right now, and she had to have surgery today. I distracted myself so that I wouldn't focus completely on that all day long (it didn't fully work, I checked her blog for updates all day and was relieved to see posts up with her seeming to be doing well after surgery).

I did, as good friends should, send her some e-mails of encouragement (and faith), sent an e-card to help cheer her up, and left her comments on her blog, trying to let her know that I care. And I got her to laugh, mainly because when I was up in the middle of the night last night (as I seem to often be), I sent the Bible quote I meant to, but attributed it to the wrong book of the Bible.

I'm hoping that the rest of her May and mine will go much better, and that her physical problems are all corrected so that she only has to deal with the emotional aspects of what has happened.

Jenna, I'm here, willing to listen, if you need someone to pour yourself out to and Joey isn't around (because he has work or school or if you just want someone else to say it all to). And if you would like me to just try to find silly things to send you (or even just more Bible verses), let me know. Anything I can do to help, I'm more than happy to do.

Tonight, The Dog's Name Is Mud

Ace and I spent most of this afternoon both at home and in the living room with Guillermo. Around 9, we went to do our grocery shopping.

Guess who couldn't wait to go to the bathroom while we were gone?

Right in front of where Ace sits, there is now a spot that is being treated to get rid of any stain and any smell. Ace plans on waiting up to scrub the spot one more time, then when the spot is dry, I get to vacuum it (Ace has work tomorrow and should already be in bed).

Why would Guillermo choose the only time he's been alone in a while to do something he knows better than to do?

At least it doesn't smell as bad as it did the last time something like this happened (although, he can't claim sickness as the reason this time either).

Distractions

Tuesday, Ace decided that he should reformat his hard drive to try to make his computer work better. After he finished, he remarked that his computer was working a lot faster now, and maybe I should think about doing the same thing. Before too long, he had me convinced, so I saved what I thought was important (except I missed one very important file, but I'm already over it), and reformatted my hard drive too.

Tuesday evening, I spent a good amout of time re-installing some games and Trend Micro (it stops my computer from getting viruses/spyware/anything bad from the internet). I also spent a little while baby-sitting Ace's laptop as he was re-downloading World of Warcraft (seriously, that is a proposition that takes some time, as there have been many, many patches since the latest part came out).

Then, yesterday, Ace and I decided that I should go ahead and install WoW back on my computer. 8 hours later (I told you, it takes time), I was done and we played for about an hour and a half before I was just done for the day (I feel the need to stop at 5 hours, mostly so that I'll move away from my computer and out of my chair for at least a little while).

So, if you want to know why I haven't posted recently, it's because I was busy making changes to my laptop and it kept me rather distracted.

My Wonderful Husband

Yesterday, Ace could tell I was feeling down and having a bad day. So, while he was sending his mother an e-card to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, he found a card to send to me to cheer me up.

This morning, in my e-mail, there the card was sitting and waiting for me.

He just wanted me to know that he loves me.

It helps that the bad news I got yesterday about my grandma was followed up (still last night) about my grandma with good news (she was in the hospital, but she's just got a bug and it isn't something majorly serious). It also helps that he got off work early today and so I've gotten to spend most of the day with him.

My husband, who thinks of sending me uplifting cards when I'm feeling like crying, is the most wonderful husband ever!!! (your mileage may vary)

The Worst Day

What, if you were in my position (trying, month after month to get pregnant), would be the worst day for your period to start?

The answer, of course, is Mother's Day.

If you need me, I'll be trying not to cry in my bed, wrapped up in a blanket, waiting for Ace to come home from work.

Stupid made up holidays.

Free* Chocolate

Mars company has decided to provide some Real Chocolate Relief (as opposed to fake chocolate relief, I guess). If you go to http://www.realchocolate.com on Fridays, they will send you a coupon for free chocolate.

They stress that it's free coupons to the first 250,000 people (so, you may miss the free chocolate if you dawdle... and someday I'll stop using slang that's older than I am, maybe). Mars is doing this every Friday (for several months), with a coupon per e-mail address, up to 4 per mailing address.

Now, I'm saying all this because I'm excited about the idea of free chocolate. And I think other people should benefit from this too. So, go get your coupon for free chocolate!

TTFN!

Here's a Story... as Promised

Sadly, it took a couple of days to think up a story I could tell about my childhood that didn't involve surgery (I've only had surgery a handful of times, but for some reason, those times were sticking out). Instead, I'll tell you of how it took 3 tries to enroll me into 3rd grade.

At the end of my 2nd grade year, my family moved from an apartment to a house. Because this house was far away from my current elementary school, I would have to change schools the next year (I had maybe a month left of school that year, so I finished the year in the same school). So, the time to enroll me comes around and we (my parents and I) go to what seems to be the closest elementary school, only to find out that it isn't the right school. But they are pretty sure school 2 is the right school.

We go to school 2, and no they aren't the right school either. But they know which school is the right school as this isn't the first time they've not been able to enroll a student because it wasn't the right school (I'm not sure what the boundary lines were for elementary schools in my school district, but they must have been interesting). So, we drive over to school 3. By the time we're in the parking lot, I'm crying because I've convinced myself that they won't want me either (I was 8, so that may have had something to do with it).

Anyway, school 3 turned out to be the right school. I went there for 4 years and loved the school. But I still kind of shake my head over the fact that it took 3 tries to find the right school.

TTFN!

Don't You Love Old Stories?

When I was around 4 (see, it's an old story... 24 years old), I had to have tubes put into my ears (from lots of ear infections, which had blocked up my ears). While they were doing that, they took out my adenoids. I'm not sure why my adenoids had to come out (something to do with me snoring?), but out they came. At the time, I was sleeping with a Strawberry Shortcake doll that breathed out a strawberry scented breath (seriously, SS was popular a long time ago). My mother did not appreciate the smell of my breath (from breathing in the strawberry scent and the somewhat nasty smell of the area where the adenoids had been) when she woke me up while I was healing.

In an unrelated story, I currently have a sore throat. If my sore throat were my only problem, I'd actually be sort of okay with the whole thing, but right now I'm feeling generally icky. Ace and I have a lunch date tomorrow with some of his co-workers (with an agreement that they won't talk about work, which I expect to last maybe 5 minutes as it is the biggest thing these people have in common, which should net most of the group free dessert from whoever brings up work first). And when I feel icky, I start disliking being around me as I seem to get kind of whiny. So tomorrow doesn't really look to be all that fun overall.

Anyway, someone cheer me up with a story from when you were young (it doesn't have to be related to disease). And then, when I feel better, I'll try to come up with a better story from my past (one that doesn't involve me feeling bad physically or having surgery, unless you really want to hear about that).

Later.

Questions

I was looking at books on Amazon. To be more specific, I was looking at the Humor section (it's under entertainment). To my surprise, not so many flat out humorous books, but books that had some humor in them.

One of the books I came across was called "I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids", so I felt compelled to look into it. I read what I was allowed to read (not too much, but enough to know that I might be interested in it). Then I scrolled down to look at the other recommended books.

Why are there so many books trying to offer solutions to problems parents have with their kids? (I know... $$$) And why are so many parents turning to books to solve their problems? (I know... time)

But, I think the most important question is: Why are women still reluctant to admit that they aren't perfect all the time?

I ask because there are times I feel reluctant to admit that. Why does it seem like society at large looks down on me for admitting that I mess up from time to time? Am I blaming society for my inadequacies in dealing emotionally with mistakes and moving on?

Ace never makes me feel like I'm a terrible person because I make a mistake. But I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect all the time, something that can never happen. And the times I take that pressure off, I feel so relieved that I don't have to live to an impossible ideal (and interestingly, make fewer mistakes then).

I know that I won't find answers to most of my questions, but at least they are out there. And I'm working on myself by admitting that I'm not perfect, and that I need to remember that more often so I have less stress.

But why is this still an issue?

Computer Problems

Well, my computer was having issues. It turns out that I forgot about my wireless keyboard and an enter key got depressed and wasn't allowing me to do much of anything with my laptop for two and a half days before we discovered the problem.

I feel silly for forgetting about the keyboard, but I Googled for stuck enter key (because that seemed to be the problem), and then remembered that I had a second possible option.

Now that keyboard no longer has batteries in it (something that will probably cause a problem at some point in the future, but there wasn't any other clear option.

On the plus side, Ace and I only had to share a computer for one day. And we both have grown from the whole thing (mainly it reminded us to make sure that we keep all possibilities in mind).

So, now you know of my somewhat embarrassing realization from the past few days.

TTFN!