Dear Jean

Dear Jean,
I'll never understand how things got like this. One day, we were a close, loving family and it seems like the next we were so far from each other. Where did all the anger and hurt come from?

My biggest concern is the children. I don't want them to think that any relationship they get in will be like this. I don't want them to fear loving people. And I don't know how to fix this.

I know I came to this relationship a bit broken. I was honest with you from the start about how I felt and when things bothered me. I tried to mend my broken pieces and leave my past in the past. I tried my hardest to keep working on our relationship, even when it seemed like you were giving up.

I don't blame you for this ending. It was a combination of factors, and one of the biggest was my inability to get past some of my hang ups. I don't blame you for not wanting to drag this on. It's not been fair to you or the children, the things I've put you through.

Please, do me a favor. Learn to love someone else. Don't let our children be as broken as I am. I'll do my best to explain to them why I'm broken and that they shouldn't look to me for how a successful relationship should go. Please be a good example for them.

I'll always love you.

Sincerely,
Dave

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Not quite 100% sure where this came from. But here it is.

Gentle

To look at him, with his big muscles, you would hardly think that the best word to describe him was gentle. But he was. His hands may be large, but he was careful when cupping them around things. It was almost like he was so afraid to accidentally hurt something that he went overboard with his gentleness.

Which is not to say that he never used those muscles. He was protective and willing to stop someone from hurting people, especially those he loved. And he used them to move furniture around as favors to family, friends, neighbors, and occasionally little old ladies.

It was always more obvious how gentle he was when he cupped his hands around babies, to carefully lift them up and coo at them. He almost looked like a big kid, his grin so big. He would carefully tuck them into the crook of his elbow and gently, tenderly, stroke their faces as if the touch would help him learn their delicate features.

And everyone who ever saw him cradling a baby had the same statement; "I never expected him to be so gentle."

She always just smiled at them and said, "No one ever does."

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I was reading something about someone being unexpectedly gentle (in an entirely different way, oddly enough) and inspiration struck.

The Artist

The urge to sketch, to fill a page with pictures, to draw what she sees is almost irresistible. However, she never feels comfortable with what she sees when she draws. It never looks quite right, quite like it does in her head. But that doesn't stop the urge.

Instead, she writes. Words are easier. They are easier to control. She writes and she likes writing. It makes her happy. It comforts her in ways that she didn't realize she needed comforting.

But it doesn't stop the urge to draw.

She knows that with practice she might be able to draw what's in her head. She might be able to be satisfied with her art. That just because it doesn't start the way she wants it to doesn't mean that it won't become that if she practices. But every time she's tried, she suddenly can't think of what to draw. Or she can't find a reference for what she wants to draw.

Eventually, she decides that it doesn't matter if she can't find a reference. She should just start and draw what is in her head. Keep practicing until she gets it right. Keep adding detail and staying patient.

The day she showed off her art and got accolades, she is glad she never gave up.

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So, yeah. Cathartic fiction seems to be where I'm at.

Young

As he held his daughter, their daughter, for the first time, he was in awe. He counted and re-counted her fingers and toes. He stared at her face, trying to memorize the details.

As he looked, he wondered, 'Was I ever this young?'

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I based this off the word young. The question at the end came first, and then I knew exactly how the rest would go.

The Vampire-Pirate Apocalypse of Doom

"Here's the idea: vampire-pirates sailing the high seas and fighting off zombie-ninjas. It'll be a great hit! What do you think?" Zach asked. Zach wanted to be a movie producer. Instead Zach was a convenience store clerk.

"How would the vampires survive on the high seas? They would have to be out during the day, which would kill them. They would have to find blood to suck, which might kill them if they go too long without. And how would the zombie-ninjas be of any use? Zombies don't exactly keep their smarts. And could zombies be stealthy enough to be ninjas? Do the zombies want to eat the vampires' brains?" Andy asked. Andy was content to be a convenience store clerk for now. He was still in high school, so he figured he had years to decide what to do for a living.

"The vampires would obviously have some humans on their ship to help steer it during the day and to have meals between their attacks on other ships. Attacking people at night gives them a great advantage too, no one would expect it. Except the zombie-ninjas. And these are special zombies, they still have higher reasoning powers. They can walk quietly. They aren't rotting corpses. And yes they want the vampire-pirates' brains. All zombies, even the smart ones, want brains!" Zach explained.

"I still don't think that it's going to work. Are zombies and vampires even enemies? I know that ninjas and pirates are, but zombies and vampires?" Andy asked.

"They are two different types of undead things, of course they are enemies," Zach said. "I've even got the perfect title."

"Well, what is it?" Andy asked.

"The Vampire-Pirate Apocalypse of Doom," Zach said.

"Well, the title is great, but I'm still not sure about the rest of it," Andy said. "Maybe it'll grow on me."

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Yesterday, I talked with a friend about writing and not feeling inspired. He suggested writing about zombie-vampires (or vampire-zombies). This actually inspired me at least a little bit. We talked a bit more about the idea of vampire pirates and that their enemy would be zombie ninjas. So, that conversation sparked the idea for this. Thanks, Battle!

Think

He kept finding himself thinking of her. At first, it was because she was so different. As time went by, he found himself thinking about how much they were alike. After their first kiss, all he could think was that he could still feel her lips pressed against his. He wished they could kiss forever.

When he was ready to propose, he realized that he had to tell himself to stop thinking, or he would never get the question asked. When she said yes, he kissed her before he could think about it. Then he realized that he would be able to kiss her like that forever.

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This post is based of the word think. Hopefully tomorrow my shoulder won't be hurting.

It's the Vampires, I Tell You

All I want to do is sleep for the next week. And it seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I never feel rested for long. It could be because I am suddenly more active, it could be because of shifting sleep schedules, it could be because of hormones. But it's most likely because of the vampires.

Okay, let me explain this. See, I'm pretty sure there are vampires stalking me. Seriously out for my blood. I keep seeing strange marks on my skin, and I'm exhausted, and I seem to be getting paler. My mom says it's because I'm avoiding going outside that I'm getting paler, but wouldn't you avoid it if there were vampires after you?

I'm not even sure which type of vampires. Is it the Dracula type? And didn't Dracula die at the end of the book? Is it the Twilight type? Please tell me there aren't sparkly vampires after me! Is it the Buffy the Vampire Slayer type? Can someone get me her number so she can save me, no matter which type?

So, yeah. I'm pretty sure that there are vampires out to get me. And I'm thinking that's why I'm so tired, they are already drinking my blood. Or could it be because I'm not sleeping to look out for vampires who are trying to attack me?

Somebody send help!

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This is a product of my tired brain. I am working on packing up the room I'm staying in and it's tiring me out a lot, so I've been more tired lately. And apparently this has lead to thoughts of why someone might be tired, which lead to the idea of blood loss and vampires. My brain is a weird place sometimes.

The Dance Lesson

Once things settled down and repairs to Serenity had been completed, Jayne finally had time to start wrapping his mind around the fact that River had killed a roomful of reavers while only getting a couple of scratches and a bruise or two that showed up two or three days after the fight had been over. Jayne didn’t normally spend a lot of time focusing his mind on anything but on cleaning his girls, but this whole situation required some reflection. It wasn’t often that you resign yourself to death, especially one as horrible as the way he was expecting to die, only to find you’ve been saved by a slip of a girl. He had seen how she fought in the Maidenhead. He’d felt how good she was with a knife back before Ariel, not that he liked to think on either incident. She had fought with a grace he found odd. He didn’t know that fighting could be so graceful. His fights, while not totally awkward, had never flowed quite as easily.

Jayne had noticed that River was spending time in the hold and it looked like fighting that she was doing. He wasn’t supposed to notice her, he didn’t think, but how could he avoid seeing her when he was exercising? He didn’t stare, he just occasionally observed after he finished his exercising. He would sit on his bench, taking deep breaths, and looked around the hold. When she came into his field of vision, he watched for a couple of minutes before going to the showers to get clean.

If Jayne had bothered to ask River would had told him that she was dancing for the first time in years, since they had started cutting her brain at The Academy. River had noticed that Jayne was watching her. While she was working on blocking out everyone’s thoughts, as much as she could, she still caught a lot more than she liked. She had, well heard is the best word she could come up with, heard Jayne thinking on her fighting technique. She had never given any thought to how her moves might look to someone else, she had just moved in an efficient manner for stopping her opponent. In fact, she hadn’t really given her moves much thought; she just knew where to punch next. She had also noticed that Kaylee sometimes sat on the staircase, watching her dance. She was considering asking Kaylee if she would like to learn how to do some simple dances.

The next time River decided to dance, she noticed Kaylee watching her again. She decided that it was the perfect opportunity to teach her best friend how to dance. She walked over to Kaylee and asked her if she was interested in doing more than watching River dancing. Kaylee nodded with a big smile lighting up her face. River patiently started showing Kaylee the moves to a waltz. Kaylee caught on quickly and River switched to teaching her how to do a simple jig.

Jayne had started toward the hold when he heard the sounds of laughter. He wondered what was causing it. As he got to the doorway, he saw Zoe standing on the cat walk, smiling like she had when Wash had been alive. Jayne figured that whatever was causing the laughter must be a good thing, if it got Zoe, who had been walking around in a funk since they buried the funny little man, to smile it had to be good.

When Jayne got to the cat walk, he looked down at the two girls dancing. He quickly turned around and called to Zoe over his shoulder, “I’ll be in my bunk.”

As he walked off, he missed hearing the confusion as River suddenly stopped and looked up toward the doorway in shock. Kaylee was wondering why her partner was no longer dancing, and Zoe was looking between the doorway and the girls in shock. Then, as quickly as River stopped, she shook off her own shock and asked Kaylee if she would mind stopping right now and picking this back up another day.

Kaylee, concerned for her friend, said, “Of course. We’ve got plenty of time for you to show me how to dance.”

River quickly responded with, “I’ll be in my bunk. I’ve got some things to think over.” She had heard what Jayne had said, both out loud and in his head, and felt the need to mull over it for a while. It wasn’t often that a girl heard that she might be worth getting spaced over.

Zoe sighed as she saw the fun breaking up. She had enjoyed herself for the first time in a few months and was sad to see it end. But she did wonder what exactly River had heard that caused her to stop and feel the need to stay stopped for a while. She shrugged and decided to check back in the hold more often to see when the next dance lesson happened. Since she had just been randomly walking past when she came across it this time, she felt it important to try to see more, as it cheered her up.

Kaylee stared after River for two minutes before deciding to go find her boyfriend, Simon, for some talk and some cuddling. She was glad she found someone who liked to cuddle, as she enjoyed getting some human touch. As she left the hold, she ran her hands over the sides of the ship, giving her a pat while she had Serenity on her mind.

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This is a story I wrote a while back based off the TV show Firefly and its movie Serenity so any most references are to events in one of those. I do not own either, except as DVDs. I wrote this story out of a love for the show. I'm pretty sure this random bit of fluff came to me and demanded I write it at the time.

It is still one of my favorite things I've ever written. It makes me smile.

Art Maybe

"You wouldn't exactly call this art, would you?" the first man asked

"It looks like a pile of junk to me. The museum seems to think it's art though," the second man said.

"I thought art was supposed to be pretty, or at least understandable. This does not make any sense to me," the first woman said.

"No one would steal it, I don't think. At least not until somebody said it was worth millions of dollars," the second man said.

"According to that sign, it is worth millions of dollars. Still doesn't seem worth stealing though," the second woman said.

"We aren't going to steal it. We're just trying to figure out if it's art," the first man said with reproach.

"I wasn't going to steal it, I'm just saying that it doesn't seem worth stealing," the second woman replied. "I don't think it's art though."

"Well, if she won't steal it, it's not art," the first woman said. "She knows her art and she knows what is worth stealing." The two women smiled at each other.

"I don't know," said the second man. "I think Eliot would find it fascinating though."

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Thank you to writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "You wouldn't exactly call this art, would you?" This one turned into a sort of fanfic without meaning to. If you can guess the TV show that inspired this, I'll be impressed.

You Can't Fix What Isn't Broken

"We don't understand why you don't trust us. Please, help us understand," the doctor said.

"I don't trust you because you keep trying to fix something that isn't broken. I appreciate that you are wanting to help, but you are no where near where the problems are and you keep trying to fix something that just part of my personality. I shut myself away sometimes not because I'm broken but because I need to recharge myself. I don't get energy from being around people, I get it from being alone," the patient said. "And for the most part, the things that are broken are things you cannot fix because you weren't who broke them."

"But we want to make you whole again," the doctor said, trying desperately to fix this problem too.

"You can't. Sometimes things can only be fixed by the person that broke them. And sometimes the person that broke them aren't able to fix them because they are too broken themselves. Please stop trying to fix things you can't. Just let me be," the patient said, hoping that this time the words would be understood.

"We don't know how to let you be," the doctor admitted.

"And that is why I must go. Because you try to fix things that aren't broken and don't know how to let me be so I can fix what I can myself," the patient said. "Good bye."

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Thank you to writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "We don't understand why you don't trust us." This has been surprisingly cathartic to write.

The Dance

They were a study in opposites as they swayed together on the dance floor. Tall and short. Delicate and solid. Dark hair and fair. Pale skin and tanned.

The smiles on their faces matched. And they were poetry in motion.

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I had a word, motion, and that brought to mind dancing, which brought about this little mental picture of two people who look like opposites dancing with matching smiles.

The Wiggling Cake

The cake wiggled, ominously. The table was still and there were no obvious reasons for the cake to wiggle, but wiggle it did. Five adults gathered around it all giggled nervously. They were sure the cake was alive.

They decided to see how the cake responded to being jiggled about. The cake just continued to wiggle. They poked it's sides. It still wiggled.

"I have a plan," Clint announced. Everyone held their breath to hear it clearly. The cake continued to wiggle. "I say we-"

Clint was cut off by Mary entering the room. "Why hasn't anyone cut the cake?" Mary asked. "Give me a knife and I'll start cutting it."

Mary ignored how the cake was wiggling and cut it into pieces for people to eat. As she cut, the cake stopped wiggling. After she finished, Mary said, "I'm going to let people know that we have desserts. I wonder if there was gelatin in that cake. Might explain the wiggling."

After Mary had left the room, Clint confessed, "I'm glad she cut it, I was thinking of using electricity. Who knows what would have happened in that case." Everyone started laughing in relief.

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This bit of fiction was based off a dream I had last night. In my dream, the cake wasn't wiggling, but apparently it had been. And when I woke up, the sentence "The cake wiggled, ominously." wouldn't leave my head.

Dead Letter

I received a letter today. It read:

Dear Alberta Saunders,

We regret to inform you that after extensive testing, your husband is brain dead and not just in a coma. We have repeatedly told you this when you've come to visit him, but it does not seem to be sinking in. We respect that you love and care about your husband, but your insurance company is not going to continue paying us for to keep him alive on life support.

As long as you are willing to pay, we will, of course, keep him alive. However, it might be time to think about pulling the plug. We have counselors available to talk to you about the grieving process and to help you make this decision.

You have our deepest sympathies.


Karen Smith, MD
XXXXX General Hospital

I think it's time to go visit Jack today.

"Hey, Jack," I say as I walk into his room. "I received a letter today."

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Thank you to writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt: I received a letter today. I am starting to worry about where my brain is going with all these stories. I keep thinking of fairly happy things when I see the prompts, and then when I write, somehow I get depressing with the stories. Hopefully that will change as the month goes on.

Mushrooms and Death

"Those are poisonous."

Lanie dropped the mushrooms she had been gathering as she stood up and looked around to see who had said that. As she turned, she saw a little boy, staring at her with a smile on his face.

"Are they now?" Lanie asked. "Only, I was gathering them up to see if they were what killed somebody."

"Oh, it was the mushrooms that killed him. He was dead before they were forced into his stomach. But they are poisonous," the boy said.

"Who are you? And how did you know all of that?" Lanie asked.

"I observe. Always," the boy said. "And I don't know who I am. They haven't told me yet."

"Who hasn't told you?"

"My parents. At least, that's who they seem to be. Are you going to find the killer?"

"That's the plan. Do you want me to take you back home?" Lanie asked.

"I guess," the boy said with a sigh.

Lanie planned on coming back to gather those mushrooms. Even if the boy was right, they were still needed. She just hoped she got some straighter answers from the boy's parents about who he was. "Come on, kid," she said. "Lead the way."

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I'd again like to thank writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "Those are poisonous." I think Sherlock Holmes slipped into my writing a bit today. He wasn't invited, but he showed up anyway.

Cut Myself Shaving

"Is that blood behind your ear?" Shelia asked.

"Yeah, I cut myself shaving. Again. But that isn't really what we're here to talk about is it?" I replied.

"No, I guess not. We need to figure out what happened in England. How did your mission go so cockeyed?"

"Well, it could have happened when I decided that I'm done blindly taking orders from the higher ups. Or it could have happened when I found out they wanted me to take out a perfectly innocent father of three because he opposed us being so involved in what's happening around the world. All I know is that it's not done being all 'cockeyed' because I haven't finished what I've got planned," I said.

Before Shelia could get another word out, I slashed her throat and she was bleeding on the floor. I quickly pulled out the towel I was carrying in my bag and wiped my hands and face clean, glad that my black clothes would hide her blood until I was done. I eased my way out into the hall and headed toward my next target.

"Is that blood behind your ear?"

"Yeah, I cut myself shaving."

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I'd like to thank writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "Is that blood behind your ear?" that inspired this bit of fiction. This is way more blood thirsty than I expected. My imagination is a bit scary at times, even for me.

Because Sanity is Overrated

Um, yeah. I didn't quite mean to ignore my blog for so long. Things have just been a bit busier for me lately than I expected. I've been trying to adjust my sleep schedule (not going as well as I'd like, as should be indicated by the time of this post). And around that I've been finding myself reading way too much fan fiction.

That and listening to songs that are a bit too depressing in content to be healthy for my mental state (I, however, seem to be in a good mood despite that).

And this is going to sound silly, after ignoring things around here for roughly 2 weeks, but I'm thinking of doing NaBloPoMo again. Because that's how I roll. Ignore my blog for October, post every day in November, and then go back to being random in posts in December.

Since I think the theme of thankfulness worked so well in the past, I'm going to go with a theme again this year. But not the same one. Instead, I'm going to try to post something fictional every day. Hopefully something not related to any of the TV shows I like, but I can make no promises.

Most likely, they will all be short, but it gives me a new way to stretch my writing skills.

Like I said in the title, sanity is overrated.

Time with Ace

Sorry I haven't posted lately. Been getting ready for time with Ace.

Won't likely post in the next couple of days. I've got Ace until Thursday at 8, so that's a bit more important right now. We're going to spend the next two days celebrating his time off and my birthday. We're getting a hotel room.

I should, hopefully, be in a great mood when I post again.

Later!

Sleep Returns

I feel like I've been a blog tease. I posted a couple of days in a row, seeming like I was going to be posting more regularly, and then I disappear for a week.

Mostly, it's because on about Wednesday, my body decided that it was finally ready to actually get 8+ hours of sleep at a time again. I would say night, but my sleep schedule is such that I'm sleeping during the morning right now.

But I am sleeping. And I'm feeling less exhausted in general. More inclined to close myself up in my room and hide, but less exhausted. I've missed getting enough sleep. I'm happy to finally be catching up.

And I'm starting to get that I need to start listening to classical music to help some with that. The times I've fallen asleep the fastest have been when I've been listening to classical music. It relaxes me so much. Even when I'm wide awake, listening to classical music just puts some part of me in a more calm and relaxed state. Especially Beethoven.

But I'm just happy, after several months of not quite enough sleep, I am finally getting there. Depression seems to have finally let go of the last bits it still had a hold on.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something on my Netflix queue to watch. This list has gotten ridiculously long and I'm still entirely too likely to find something else to add to it.

More Things I Love about Ace

Since I'm feeling all romantic and loving towards Ace due to our anniversary (not that I'm normally feeling not romantic and loving, it just doesn't normally feel this strong), I thought I'd share more things that I love about him.

1. He is a nerd. Such a nerd. He gets my nerdy references, or he asks about them. And he cares about my answers.

2. He listens to me ramble on and on about whatever I am currently obsessed with. Even if he doesn't care. (Okay, he occasionally tunes out the details, but he listens enough to know the subject.) He cares about my interests.

3. He makes me feel loved. Without really trying.

4. He takes care of the stuff that stresses me out.

5. He wants me to feel pretty. Because he wants me to see myself as he sees me. And he won't give up telling me that I'm pretty until I believe it all the time.

6. He wants to talk to me when we are apart. He wants us to spend time together as much as we can.

7. He got me to play WoW (World of Warcraft) and continues to get me to play WoW. I'm not always sure I like playing nearly as much as he does, but I like that he wants to do something with me that we both find fun.

8. He solves problems that I'm too close to. Easily.

9. He wants children nearly as much as I do. He wants children partially because I want them so much.

10. He's going to be such a great dad, partially because he's such a great husband.

11. He tells me he loves me everyday (baring lack of means to communicate). He thinks it's important that I hear it daily. He often tells me multiple times a day. And he never lets me say it without telling me he loves me back.

12. He loves me even when I'm not very lovable. He doesn't always like me then, but he still loves me.

13. He refuses to let us say things we don't mean and can't take back. And if I do say something hurtful, he forgives me for it. Every time.

14. He fills my heart with warmth and love. Just by being in my life.

15. He is willing to learn new things. He likes learning new things. He may not always be interested in what I am, but he is interested in learning.

This still doesn't scratch the surface of things I love about my husband. But it is at least a few more of the things that I love.

I miss you, sweetheart. I love you! Drive safely, watch out for deer, and take care of yourself. *kiss*

And Much Squeeing Commenced

I am sometimes a bit late to the cool, nerdy shows. Especially if they are on Syfy (I blame it on the change to the name of the station, because I'm pretty sure I'd be more willing to check out their shows if they were still SciFi).

Thus, I am catching up to what's going on with Warehouse 13 on Netflix. And I've recently (as in the last half hour) finished watching the second episode of season 2. The episode where Jewel Staite and Sean Maher guest starred in. Since Firefly is like one of my absolutely favorite shows of all time (and I still mourn that it got not quite a full season), I was a bit excited.

I may have bounced some. And mentally squealed.

Anyway. I loved that they cast those two as a semi-romantic couple. Even if they didn't get together until the end of the episode (better than Firefly, where they didn't get together until the end of the movie). Because of course they would. Those two make a cute couple, at least they do on screen. I'll let the actors decide their own off screen romantic partners (although, they would make a cute couple that way too).

I like that whoever cast them put them together so much in the episode. It worked. Sean Maher works as a guy with a crush who can't quite confess it. Jewel Staite works as a sweet girl who isn't quite as oblivious about showing her own crush. It's adorable and sweet and cute and it makes me want to jump and dance and squeal and be with my own sweet guy.

P.S.: 10 years ago, Ace and I met. Happy anniversary, sweetheart. Thanks for being so right for me all of these years. Drive safely, watch out for deer, and remember that I love you.

It Gets Better - The Depressed Version

Lately, I've been doing things at odd times. I blame my sleep schedule, which is fairly erratic right now. That really has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd share it.

I've been thinking on the campaign for LGBT teen community. Mostly with the statement "It gets better." I like that statement. It's a good statement.

I'm adopting it as my statement to people who are depressed. Mostly because some days, some really dark days, that statement needs to be said. So, here it is: "It gets better."

I know that it won't fix your problems or make you feel motivated or make things magically better. I know this. I've been there. Where sitting up is all you are up for. Where changing clothes seems pointless or exhausting or stupid. Where you either eat anything you can get your hands on or you can't be bothered to eat because the food is over there and that's just too far away right now. I have been there. Somehow, I doubt I'll avoid ever going there again, no matter how much I'd like to.

But it gets better. It does. No matter how bad I'm feeling, it doesn't last. No matter how little I care right now, at some point I'll start caring again. No matter how low things seem, it won't stay that way.

I never fully know what will pull me out of my depression. Sometimes it's watching cartoons and funny movies and just putting things that make me laugh in front of my face. Sometimes it's getting reminded of my blessings. Sometimes, apparently, it takes Ace telling me to just grow up and deal with it.

The important thing is that it gets better. I don't stay in that place, where I can barely breath. I find passion for things again. I can take care of myself again. I can tell someone else that it gets better.

So please, if you are depressed, get some help. Find something that works to pull you out. But please, please, please, keep in mind that "It gets better." Don't do something dangerous or stupid. Please.

Not Quite Depressed

I don't think it's been a secret that since Ace started his training, I've been posting less. It's only partly because there hasn't been anything going on. Mostly, it's been because I've been fighting off depression.
. .
The first 6 weeks, I was struggling some. I was fighting depression off, never quite being taken over by it. It was always looming in the background, but I was staying ahead of it.

Then came the week with Ace. I felt good, if slightly frustrated with my in-laws. There was no reason for me to be depressed, so I wasn't.

After Ace left, I went back to fighting off depression. Only not as effectively. I was not up for it, not really. I kind of crashed down into depression. It was bad (I was eating about one meal a day), and part of me was glad Ace wasn't here to see it. Except if he had been here, I'd probably not been depressed. (I lost 9 pounds by not eating. I don't like losing weight that way. Starvation is not a good diet plan. I am eating better now. And healthy foods. Salad, apple slices, cheese, granola bars, beans, fresh bread.)

It got bad enough that one day, Ace was trying to do anything to cheer me up, including offering to call my dad for me to get me to visit him. Even asking if I could just get myself dressed and hopefully my dad could help with packing. I didn't have enough motivation to get dressed. I cried because of that. It was not just a bad day, but a very bad day. It was me at my lowest.

Monday, Ace and I were talking. He was getting all tough love on me (for things other than depression, things I needed to have him say to stop complaining about this). And between that and me figuring a few things out, I finally seemed to leave the depression behind me.

It's still looming. I can still feel it. I'm not fully away from it, I don't think. But I'm not drowning in it anymore. I can see my emotional shoreline. I can get myself to safety again. The undertow no longer has me.

I'm in a weird place. I'm not quite depressed, but I'm not back to normal quite yet either. I think it's a good place right now though. It's a step in the right direction.

If anyone has any tips for helping fight off depression, I'd love to hear them. Preferably ones that do not include me going to a doctor for a prescription. It's not the best option for me right now, even if I think it might be a good plan in the future.

Things I Love about Ace

I was talking to Ace the other day and at some point, I told him that I haven't even begun to get past the surface on all the reasons I love him. So, here are just a few of the many, many things I love about my husband.

1. He makes me feel like a princess. No matter what else is going on, he does his best to make me feel special. Especially when I'm suddenly emotionally needy about it.

2. He buys me things (laptops, books, toys, etc.). Because he knows I want them. And because they will make me happy. As if he wasn't enough to make me happy on his own.

3. He takes care of me. Even when I'm at points where doing much more than eating what is put in front of me is too much, he takes care of me. Sometimes by pushing me outside my comfort zone, sometimes by just doing things that physically need to be done.

4. He won't let someone else push me around.

5. I can make him smile, just by being a little silly. Even when he's having a bad day.

6. He can make me laugh when I want to cry. He always seems to know just what to say or do at just the right time.

7. He's not afraid to be silly. Even in public. Especially if it makes me laugh.

8. He cares, deeply, about people and things. He doesn't always show it on the outside, but it shows if you know what to look for.

9. Even when he doesn't understand me, even when I don't understand myself, he still accepts me and loves me for who I am. Or he loves me despite who I am.

10. He lets me be weak until I am ready to be strong again. Even if he doesn't know why I'm feeling weak. Even if neither of us understands why I'm fighting depression. Even if it's just a bad day.

11. He's willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel safe. Even if it's cutting off ties to people. Even if I don't want that to happen.

12. He cares about those people who obviously want us in their lives. He doesn't feel that people who don't want us in their lives are worth worrying about. He's helping me to move that way.

13. He's willing to do anything, within reason, that I want to do, if it will make me happy. And it's not immoral, illegal, or unethical.

14. He makes me curl my toes. And I'll leave any other details between him and me.

15. He's got the most beautiful heart of anyone I've ever met. Despite how his family has treated him, despite how the world has tried to hurt it, despite how circumstances have been. And he gave it to me. To keep.

This list still doesn't dent the surface, but I think it's time to stop for now. I'll probably post another list at some point, but for today 15 seems like a good place to stop.

Of Dead Batteries and Fevers

Today has been on odd day. Not the least of which is because I've had 4 hours of sleep in the last 33 hours. Although, that hasn't helped (I am surprisingly awake despite my lack of sleep).

I went to my brother-in-law's house for lunch with the in-laws today. I had originally planned on driving myself (and running errands afterward), but the car I was going to use had a dead battery when I tried to start it. Like completely dead. Like nothing happened when I turned the key.

Lunch went well, over all. I didn't eat a lot, but I have multiple reasons why that would be the case. At least I ate enough to get full.

After we got back home, 3 hours later and with my niece, I came back to the bedroom to try to get some more rest (sleep if needed/possible, which it wasn't possible). After a few hours, I decided to take my temperature, because I've been feeling a bit off all day. Turns out, I'm running a low grade fever. Probably nothing to worry about, but enough to let me rest for the rest of the day without feeling too guilty.

Mostly, I have been surprised at how awake I am, given the lack of sleep and the obvious signs that my body is fighting some kind of germs off. Which isn't to say there are no signs of me being tired, just that my body isn't forcing the issue by just shutting down. I do plan on getting more sleep tonight.

In Which I Feel Like a Hypocrite

There have been a couple of things bugging me lately. One is minor, it's pesky, it's annoying more than anything. The other is something that I feel speaks strongly of my heart.

The minor, pesky one is that lately words have not seemed like enough. Words don't express things fully enough. I cannot explain, to myself, to my satisfaction what I mean. This is likely to be something that, while never really going away, will soon fade back into the background of my attention. That's one of the problems with fighting depression. Words aren't adequate enough.

The major thing is the one I really want to write about tonight.

I apologize in advance. Mostly because I'm about to do what I'm about to complain about. I hate that. I don't like being a hypocrite. My only salvation for myself is that I'm not complaining about anyone in particular, but the perception of the whole. This does not satisfy me though.

My biggest problem with Christians, or at least how Christians are perceived (even by other Christians) is that Christians are, in general, a group that judges people (especially other Christians). I say that feeling like I'm being a hypocrite, because I'm judging Christians when I say that. I recognize the irony of judging their judgment. And I recognize this puts me into the group of people that I'm judging.

Anyway, my problem is that the Bible tells us to "Judge not, lest you be judged" (Matthew 7:1). We aren't supposed to accept sin in our churches, but we are supposed to accept the sinners. Somewhere, most Christians seem to lose that. We stop condemning the sin and start condemning the sinner. I'm not saying that people aren't capable of messing up. I mess up most days. I'm just saying that I don't have a right to tell someone that they are going to hell because I disagree with what they are doing (unless I'm trying to save them, I probably shouldn't be telling them that they are going to hell anyway).

It seems to me that this judging goes on in pretty much every area of people's lives. Who am I to tell someone what they can wear? Who am I to tell them what they can eat? Who am I to tell them who they can love? Who am I to tell them how they can love?

I know there are scriptures that cover at least some of those things. But it's not up to me to "enforce" those scriptures. As long as I live my life by what I learn from my Bible, I have no reason to tell someone else how to live theirs. At least, that seems what "Judge not" means to me. I am not their judge, God is. That means that I don't get to tell them how to live. Nicely, it also means they don't get to tell me how to live. Things are convenient that way.

I may not like my sister's tattoos or piercings, but that doesn't mean I should say that she's ugly (I don't like them, at least not the piercings. She's not ugly.). I may be able to prove that God thinks tattoos are ugly (I don't really care to try). That doesn't mean I should.

I may think that the kid on the next aisle should be in bed when I'm shopping at 11 pm. I may not be impressed that he's got a bottle of soda and is screaming at the top of his lungs. I may have lots of scripture on how kids should be raised. It doesn't mean I should judge that kid's parents. I don't know their lives. I don't know if this is normal or odd for their family. I shouldn't judge I don't have all the facts.

I may think that it's wrong for two men or two women to be in a relationship. I may have scripture to back up how wrong it is. I may think they are sinning. But that does not mean I should judge.

God didn't die and make me judge. I have no right to tell anyone (except maybe Ace and at some point our children) how to live. I have no right to tell anyone they are going to hell because they kiss someone of the wrong gender, have a tattoo, are a bad parent, or even just that they mess up. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT.

And I have no right to judge Christians as judgmental. I HAVE NO RIGHT.

If I don't have that right, what makes someone else think they do?

Lost

I'm beginning to get annoyed with myself. I'm getting maudlin over here.

It's just hard to feel upbeat right now.

Ace is trying to find out what is going to happen next for him with his job. He's doing a sleep study tonight. We'll find out if he has sleep apnea or not.

Ace's parents are back home. They aren't asking me about my laptop, but they are asking lots of questions about what is going on with Ace. Questions that I don't know the answers to. Questions that Ace doesn't always know the answers to.

I'm back to not wanting to go to sleep. Some part of my brain is trying to avoid sleep, like sleep is my enemy. I'm feeling edgy and cagey. It gets too loud in my head and I just want to stay quiet, because I don't want to say what is in my head. And I know these things are not good things, but I keep avoiding falling flat out into depression somehow.

I'm feeling lost. I can't find my shore. I'm not out too far, but I can't get my bearings. And the waves and the tide keep carrying me on.

My Secrets

I don't share everything here. That is hardly surprising, given that this is an anonymous blog. I don't share absolutely everything with Ace either. That is only surprising in that we share so much with each other.

I want to get some secrets off my chest.

1. Despite facing some of the blackest depression and experiencing things that would make most people break, I am still sane. In all that time, in all those things, I have only wanted to hurt myself physically once, and that was at a very bad time for me emotionally. I, fortunately, got much better shortly after that.

2. Ace and I have talked about him getting a tattoo (or more than one) since shortly after we were married (if not before). In the back of my mind, I've always slightly wanted to get one too, but I HATE needles. Recently, I decided to get at least two tattoos. I'm not fully sure how I feel about it, but I like my reasons for wanting them.

3. There is a small part of me that is concerned that I might possibly decide that it's okay to hurt myself physically to help emotional pain. I feel concerned that getting a tattoo will make me more likely to do something stupid. I know that I'm not going to do it, but that doesn't make me feel less concerned.

4. My in-laws have been out of town for a week. I haven't missed them in the slightest. I was complaining to Ace, while he was here on leave, that they didn't seem to be wanting to leave soon enough for us.

5. Ace and I enjoyed ourselves greatly after 6 weeks apart. Now we don't know when we'll see each other again. I think this is harder than the 6 weeks.

6. Sometimes, my compassion for people goes out the window when they seem to be inviting drama into their lives. It's not that I no longer care, it's just that I wonder when they are going to start admitting that they are contributing to their own problems.

7. Sometimes, it's louder in my head when it's silent outside it. That is a big part of the reason I've watched way more TV shows and listened to way more music since Ace started training. I miss him.

8. While Ace was here, we bought me a laptop. It's all bright and shiny and new. I'm hoping his parents don't realize or just don't think about it.

I'm sure I have more secrets to share at some point, but for now I think I'm a bit taped out. Or rather, I've shared all I need to share.

Later.

Quiet Still

My head has gotten quieter. But I'm still feeling quiet myself.

My emotions are up and down. Sometimes within a span of 5 minutes.

And there aren't words enough to explain everything. Words can be so limiting sometimes.

So, I'm over here, being quiet.

Quiet and Loud

Everything has seemed to be a mixture of opposites lately. I feel like being very quiet. It seems very loud in my head. I am surrounded by people. I feel alone. I am tired and just want to sleep until my body has finally caught up on rest. I find it hard to make myself to bed and then to go to sleep.

The biggest thing is that I just want to stay quiet and unnoticed for the most part right now. "Just leave me be. Let me take care of myself. I don't need a lot of help right now, thank you," some part of me is practically screaming. "Oh, but can you provide me with something to make it quiet in my head? It is so loud in here."

And every time I get still enough I start thinking about things I want to leave alone for now. Which just adds to me wanting to be practically falling asleep before I try getting into bed. Which leads to being exhausted, something I haven't really moved past since Ace left.

My emotions, while not completely raw, are fairly close to the surface. They feel uncomfortable. Silence seems to be too quiet, because it makes it easier to realize how loud it is in my head. And I don't have any answers for anyone right now, except that I'm not really ready to figure everything out yet.

I'm ready to be past all this crappy mental state. I miss feeling comfortable in the quiet. I miss having a calm and quiet mind (not that it's ever really fully quiet, but it's normally not so loud). I am ready for the world to not seem to be quiet so painful to me mentally and emotionally.

I think I'll just mostly sit here, distracting myself with things that make me laugh, and stay fairly quiet until I'm feeling more whole. Maybe then, my world won't seem quite so odd then.

Less Twitchy, More Tired

The twitchiness seems to have dropped down a bit. I'm still way more raw emotionally than I'd like to be, but it's at livable levels over all.

On the other hand, my insomnia has not really left. On the plus side, I should fall asleep early and easily tonight (I have an early start to my day tomorrow). On the minus side, I think I've been having some minor problems focusing while reading my library book.

Also, I've suddenly gotten very obsessed with the show Sherlock, the writings of Arthur Conan Doyle about Sherlock Holmes, and British slang is starting to feel more natural than Oklahoma slang.

I'm starting to want to call the television the telly. I had to remember what a subway was before I called it the underground while talking with Ace. (We were talking about New York City. Oklahoma has no subways as far as I know.)

Basically, I need sleep and I'm obsessed with Sherlock Holmes in just about any way I can get him.

I think I need sex. How long until I see my husband again?

Twitchy

Today I am feeling twitchy. I think it's partly a lack of enough sleep lately. On a good night, I get 6 hours. That sounds like plenty, except my body prefers to get about 9 hours of sleep. I am tired a lot.

Also, I started my period. Completely expected thing to happen. The timing is even right. But the hormones have me on edge right now. I can practically feel my nerves wincing about everything that is happening. But reading about infertility while being on your period does not make life sunshine and roses (sometime, I'll actually find out if Ace and I have fertility issues, but not until we take care of x and y and maybe z).

Oh, and I woke up with my shoulder aching and my fingertips numb.

And I'm missing Ace like crazy.

And my father-in-law, who has toned down his affection, is still being more affectionate than I'd like.

And I'm trying to just relax, but it's not really working. Because that stupid driving test is looming in my vision again. And I know I can pass it, but there's a small part of me that keeps wondering if I'm not letting myself.

In other words, I have about a dozen reasons to be twitchy right now and they are all hitting me at once. Depression keeps breathing down my neck, looking for a week spot to pounce on and drag me down into its depths.

So, if you wonder why I'm not posting here right now, it's because I'm fighting off/dealing with all that stuff.

*Twitch, twitch*

Depression Sucks

This past week, I started seeing the signs of depression coming on. It's not fully surprising, I'm missing Ace a lot and they shift in how his parents, especially his father, are acting would throw anyone.

I've noticed that right before depression pulls me down, I start having insomnia. I can't convince myself to go to bed and go to sleep. I don't know why, but it's like I'm suddenly afraid to go to sleep, afraid of my dreams (none of which I can remember being particularly bad, but...).

I'm not sunk down as far as I have been in the past. I'm having what feels more like bad emotional days (and exhaustion from the lack of enough sleep). The biggest things are a lack of motivation to do something as basic as feed myself and a feeling so raw/tired/sad all the time. But it's not controlling me (other than the not eating enough thing).

Good news keeps coming in. Slowly. Any bad news is temporary set backs. Nothing to make life suck completely. But enough to make it easier to feel depressed.

The only good thing about Ace having the laptop is that if I want to get online (and I do), I have to get off the bed to do it. Which means no lounging around on the bed in a cocoon of blankets letting myself slip further into depression.

I miss Ace. I miss not being tired, although that will disappear as soon as my body starts working with my brain on sleep instead of against it. I miss just being generally happy.

But I'm so close to finally, finally starting to get back to things being where I want them to be. And that makes me happy, deep down.

Depression sucks. But I'm stronger than it is.

Unwanted Attention

Ace is currently in training. He seems to be enjoying it, as far as I can tell. At the very least, he isn't hating it.

I, on the other hand, am stuck at his parents' house without his protection. And suddenly my father-in-law has decided to pay a lot of attention to me.

So far, nothing "inappropriate" has happened. Other than I don't want him paying this much attention to me and he keeps touching me without me feeling comfortable about it. He's not touching any place that people would claim is inappropriate. However, if I feel uncomfortable with his touches, it's inappropriate. It bothers me.

My father-in-law is very outgoing. I am an introvert. He likes being around people. I can get enough socialization with one meal to feel content with being alone for roughly a week. Also, it's taken him over 9 years to start trying to open up and welcome me into his family?

Supposedly, he hasn't felt like I've wanted to belong. He's been right about that a lot. I have hidden behind my husband often. My in-laws pry and push and make me feel uncomfortable. I keep lots of things private, because I don't feel like they need to be public. Going out to a meal and talking for an hour makes me uncomfortable (at least it does with them). Forcing physical contact is unreasonable. All it's going to do is drive me away.

I want to be out of here. I desperately want to be out of here. I want to be around my father or Ace, who both understand better my desire to be quiet and left alone. That I'm not big on being touched just whenever someone else feels like it. I want to be around people who understand that sometimes people don't want attention or contact. I want to feel like I don't need to shut myself off just to know that I'll be left alone.

Every time my father-in-law comes into my bedroom to "check up on me", it feels like he's invading my sanctuary. I don't have any place that is safe for just me while I'm living here. That isn't fair. Everyone deserves privacy. And while he doesn't just barge into the room, he also doesn't respect any personal space when he does come in. The only way to keep he from moving past just the doorway is to stand in the doorway, which then puts me in arms reach for more unwanted "affection".

When I leave here, I don't plan on coming back except to get my things moved out. I don't want people who have spent over 9 years feeling like I should make the first move to prove I want to be part of their family. Who makes the new person coming make the first move? And didn't they take me spending time with them while I was dating Ace as an indication that I was trying to, at least sort of, fit in?

I'm just ready to be done with all of this crap. And I just really want to be left alone.

Missing Ace

Ace is at his second day of orientation. Hopefully today is going well.

I miss him. This time has been slightly harder than last time. There is nothing coming up to distract me. It doesn't help that I miss my laptop too.

For now, while I still have access to it, I'm spending lots of time on Netflix. It helps keep me distracted. In fact, when I'm not on Netflix, the TV is on. I can't seem to feel comfortable with silence right now.

I miss my husband. But I know that he's going to be making us money soon. And we need that to happen.

It doesn't fully make this separation easier.

Quiet

Things have been mostly quiet around here lately. Ace is getting paperwork moving for starting a job next Sunday with a trucking company. I am doing my best to stay as cool as possible (the replaced a/c can't quite seem to handle the 100+ degree heat).

Everything is in a sort of holding pattern right now. There is only so much Ace and I can do this early in the week to get him ready to go. So, we're just relaxing.

Tomorrow is our anniversary. So far, our plans include getting some ice cream or custard. And that's about all we have planned. Is custard the traditional/modern gift for 9 years?

Things are quiet right now. But it won't be long before they get busy again. For now, I'm going to go enjoy the quiet.

No Answers

Last Friday, I went back to truck driving school. I needed to shake off the rust from roughly 30 days of not driving. I spent 4 days working on backing and driving. I learned a lot, and felt frustrated and sore and then on Monday successful. I felt ready to take my test on Tuesday, which was a change from the last time.

I really don't want to talk about that test yesterday. I've got another 30 days before I can test again. It wasn't that I couldn't do the backs (which is where my problems cropped up). There seemed to be some problems with the equipment I was given and I wasn't experienced enough to compensate. I'm surprisingly okay with everything.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. That's just me updating about what's gone on while I've been away from the blog.

While I was at school, I was asked lots of questions about who Ace and I were going to work for and if he was already driving or waiting on me. I had people asking why Ace wasn't at least working a local job. I had answers for most of the questions, but not all of them. We are still trying to figure things out and some things were complicated.

People keep asking me questions. I don't have answers for them. And I'm feeling frazzled and tired. I don't know any more. Asking me what I want for dinner is kind of too much right now. I don't know and I need to not have anyone ask.

I'm feeling a bit empty. I'm not angry, I'm not particularly frustrated, I'm just mostly numb. The world can just hold onto its questions for a while. They don't need me to attempt to answer them today. Maybe I'll have some answers for them tomorrow.

But for today, let me be.

It's Because I'm So Popular

My dreams have a surprisingly large guest cast.

Last night, Marilyn Milian, the judge on People's Court, showed up. She's not the first TV judge to show up in my dreams (that would probably be Judge Alex Ferrer who showed up a few weeks ago).

And it's not just TV judges that make randomly show up. Some of my favorite bloggers have too. Amy Storch, of Amalah was in my dreams a few years ago (trying to convince me that I should get pregnant, as if that wasn't already on my mind). Anissa, of #FreeAnnissa, showed up to try to convince me that I am cool enough to potentially met my favorite bloggers and hang out with them someday. My friend Jenna, of The (Mis)adventures of Jenna, even showed up for us to talk through a class her husband was trying to teach (about something Biblical, I think).

And despite other's predictions, the only instructor from school showing up in my dreams is the one I'm friends with on FaceBook (he was oddly teaching us how to drive a car, something I already know how to do).

The only person who doesn't seem to show up in my dreams is Ace. The only thing we can think of is that he gets so much of my awesomeness during the day that my subconscious feels like it should be spread out among other people at night.

Air Conditioning

The air conditioner is fixed. I don't know what was wrong with it, but I did get to hear how much it would be yesterday. I don't remember how much cost, which is fine because it's not me that's paying for it.

It took most of the night to cool the house down, but now it is back to normal temperatures in the house.

And I'm back to fighting off exhaustion again. Because my body hasn't seemed to fully get away from heat exhaustion yet (if they had fixed the a/c the first time it broke...). Nicely, food helped a lot on helping me feel less exhausted. Unfortunately, that only lasts so long and I can only eat so much before I'm full.

But at least I'm not trying to stay as cool as possible in a 90 degree house (it's not possible to stay cool in a 90 degree house, even with 3 fans helping). Yay for a fixed a/c!

And now I've got other things calling for my attention.

Later.

Heat Wave

Once again, there are a/c problems in this house. We are on the third person to come to try to fix this a/c unit (2 today, 1 about two weeks ago). Hopefully the problem will be solved quickly and before the day gets really hot.

Unfortunately, it's throwing me back into heat exhaustion territory. Ace isn't watching me drink water like a hawk, but I'm pretty sure he'd prefer to have already gotten me more water this morning (he refilled the water once this morning, but I'm pretty sure he'd rather it have been two or three times).

I don't know how much longer I'll get to use my laptop before needing to shut it down so it won't overheat. I'll let everyone know when I'm in a/c again (we may be making an emergency trip to see my dad, we just don't know yet).

I Think I Have Enough Patience by Now

We are still waiting for Ace to be able to go back and train. It's hard right now, just because every passing day is another day we don't get paid.

In the past, I've prayed for patience. I think it's been decently built up by now (even though I'm feeling impatient today, it's just because we've heard nothing from the company about when Ace might be able to go back).

And now I have to go, because we are apparently running an errand. Yay for getting out of the house!

I'm Still Alive

I haven't abandoned my blog, I've just been crazy busy this past week. Tuesday, I was trying to distract myself from missing Ace (there were tears, but not as many as there could have been). Wednesday, I was getting ready for my trip to my dad's house and then running around getting some paperwork together for Ace. Thursday morning, I got the rest of the paperwork together and then went off to my dad's house with him.

Thursday evening was a nice evening with family relaxing and talking and watching my sister drink too much alcohol. We all had a good evening and I got to use the hot tub a bit, which was great for my back. Friday was spent relaxing as much as possible with my family, until it was time to get ready to go to the graduation, and then it was all of us taking pictures and looking out for more family/friends who were coming to the graduation. And then it was dinner out and pain killers because my back did not like my bra/how much it had to support me/life/?. The day ended with me taking a prescription muscle relaxant and some Tylenol with Codeine.

Saturday was mostly spent with me trying to wake up already (Codeine does not quickly leave my system). I did get in the pool for a bit (my boobs have a slight sunburn) and I talked with Ace for a bit (he was sent home pending paperwork from the IRS, which hopefully will not be an issue for me when the time comes for that). Yesterday, I watched lots of TV, a couple of movies, packed my bags, and came home. It was a nice, lazy day. My sister and her boyfriend dropped me off on their way home. Other than a dislike of the music they chose, it wasn't a bad trip.

Ace surprised me with some of the shopping he did yesterday. He bought me some replacement chocolate and soda (he had some of mine, but he got more than just enough to replace what he had taken) and he bought me chocolate-covered strawberries. That man loves me.

And now, I'm going to enjoy my day with Ace. Who knows how long I'll have him or when I'll get to see him again after this.

Mixed Emotions

This is a week of mixed emotions for me.

Ace is going to leave tomorrow to start his new job. This makes me sad, because I don't want to be apart from him for roughly two months. But it's going to happen.

Thursday, I get to go to see my dad and step-mom for a few days. My dad is going to be in Tulsa picking up my grandmother, so I'll ride with them. I get to see family I haven't seen since at least Christmas. None of us knows where we'll be sleeping yet, and the house will be full of people. I'm looking forward to it greatly.

Ace also has shown me, once again, why you don't put things online until they happen. He's leaving my laptop with me (yay!) and will get a new laptop for himself as soon as reasonably possible. He doesn't want to try to keep track of a laptop until we are in our own truck (I think that's his reason). I'm happy to get to keep my laptop.

So, yeah. Mixed emotions all around over here (excitement is winning out right now, but tomorrow I'll probably be feeling a bit melancholy throughout the day).

Waiting Again... Naturally

There are things you learn that you wish you didn't know sometimes. Like that if you fail the test to get your Class A CDL you have to wait 30 days to test, and if you fail that you have another 30 days before you can test again. Hopefully on June 19th, I'll successfully get my Class A CDL and not have to wait another 30 days (this is my first 30 day wait, I'm hoping it's my only 30 day wait).

I have to wait for a month before I go back up to the school to practice for a day before I test. I get most of the next month to wait and relax. Ace is going to go start training at the company we've picked. He leaves Tuesday (or he will, after he's arranged everything). He'll be waiting for me to catch up on training when the time comes.

Today, we are taking things easy. Since I'm stuck waiting, Ace will be taking my laptop with him. I'll get the desktop. On the plus side, when we get a new laptop (after some pay has come in), it will be mine. I get the new laptop while Ace gets my current laptop (it's only a little over a year old, so it's not exactly ancient). I think this is the first time I get the nicer computer first.

Unfortunately, Ace and I will be apart for our anniversary (and his birthday). We'll have to celebrate them when we get together again. But I do get to see my dad graduate with his MBA next week. And I should be fully recovered from heat exhaustion long before I go back to school (which is good, because I'm tired of being tired).

So, I'm currently waiting again. It's starting to feel normal, all this waiting. On the plus side, I have plenty of things to keep myself busy around here. Like enjoying the time I have left with Ace before he goes.

Strength

Every time I think about what Ace and I have lived through in the last 3 years (okay, 2 and 1/2), I'm surprised at how strong we both were. We have had more things thrown at us, and yet we are still standing. Someday, we'll tell people our story (when it's all finished) and they will ask us how we are still together. And our only answer will be "God" because it's not because we could have done it on our own.

I'm seeing the light. The tunnel is finally almost over. I'm not saying there aren't still some hard times to come, but we've gotten past some of the hardest things. We've had almost anything that could have torn our relationship apart come up. And yet, here we are.

It helps that we are honest with each other. Sometimes painfully so. It's not wonderful to hear Ace tell me where I've messed up and I've said some things that have hurt him deeply (either because I wasn't thinking or because I was hurting). It's not like we're always the couple still in their honeymoon phase. We just don't let ourselves stay away from that phase for long.

On days like today, when big parts of me just want to run and hide until a greeting card holiday is over, Ace provides me with strength. He makes lunch with his family more bearable. Not being in pain today would have made it even better. His understanding helps me to keep my mouth shut, which is currently the best plan (and is likely to always be, when it comes to his parents).

10 Things About Me

Today, I am coming at you with a random list of things about me.

1. Today I got a new cell phone that I will be using for about a month. It's a pay as you go phone, so it's not quite what Ace and I would have picked for me, but my grandmother bought it and mailed it so I would have a phone. I hope she doesn't get too upset when it gets replaced next month.

2. As much as I've heard good things about The Avengers movie, I won't likely be seeing it in theaters. I only go to see certain movies in the theater, and I have two of those types coming out this year (Batman and The Hobbit). I will eagerly watch it when it comes on DVD.

3. I have only intentionally gone to see 1 movie at the theaters more than once. I don't count seeing Dinosaur (the Disney movie) on a big screen twice, because I wouldn't have picked that movie to see a second time. Serenity, however, was intentionally seen twice on the big screen. I still wish I could have seen it at least once more.

4. I once accidentally saw The Breakup because the group I was with went into the wrong theater. We weren't happy about mixing up our movies and none of us really cared for The Breakup. I was surprised and kind of pleased at the ending though (it was a nice change from what I was expecting).

5. I currently have tan lines from my socks. I never thought I'd wear shorts outside often enough to get tan lines in the first half of May. I can also see where my watch sits, even though it's off my wrist more than half the time.

6. Getting over heat exhaustion has been so weird. I get hot easier than I'd like. I've been tired more than I thought possible. A short trip out of the house can tire me completely. And for some reason, my back is protesting everything right now.

7. I have been getting annoyed with way too many stupid things lately. I think the heat has shortened my temper a bit. And I find that annoying!

8. I still haven't read a western, but I think I've read just about every other genre of fiction. For the most part, I like them all.

9. This year, I've been too busy thinking about driving a truck to think about Mother's Day. I'm surprisingly okay with that. (I did get cards for my mother-in-law and my step-mom. I'm not quite that far out of the loop.)

10. This year, for the first time ever, I got heat rash. My arms are finally starting to look mostly normal and my neck doesn't seem to have bumps all over it. Ace is already mentally preparing himself to do most of the outside work in the heat. He's a smart man.

One Down, One to Go

Yesterday, Ace got his CDL Class A. I didn't take my retest, so I get to go test on Tuesday to get my CDL. We both had problems the first time we went to the Department of Public Safety to take our tests (Ace didn't get past the backing, and I didn't pass the driving test).

Yesterday, I sat in our car for half the day, with the air conditioner blowing on me. Whenever I would get out of the car for more than a minute, I felt nauseous and was not in any condition to drive a truck.

Today, I am taking the day off school so that I can have a three day weekend to fully cool down and recover from heat exhaustion (a condition that I've probably been suffering from for most of the past 3 weeks). I'm not overheated any more, but I am still exhausted pretty much all the time. The short trip Ace and I made out this morning sapped what little energy I had.

But we are closer to getting out of here. Even with my overheating problem.

Overheated

It's been so long since I've written. I should feel bad about that, but I've been so exhausted in the evenings and the weekends seem to be over nearly as soon as they've started.

We're doing well at truck driving school. We take our test for our licenses on Tuesday. Hopefully we'll be ready.

But all of that has little to do with my title. I've been getting overheated some at school. Most of it is outdoors, and the weather has been hotter than normal for this time of year. I've been wearing shorts to school the past 3 days, and I should have been wearing them since sometime last week.

I try my best not to get too hot. I stay in the shade as much as possible. I drink water. They are trying to send me out driving in the afternoons where I can be in a temperature controlled environment more and out of the sun while it is the hottest. I'm not eating tons of food, and not really wanting my food to be hot. I'm wearing the thinnest clothes I have when it's hotter out. The school and I are taking reasonable precautions.

And yet, I still have ended up sitting in the air conditioned office of the director of students multiple times trying to cool back off from being overheated. It hasn't been the hottest part of the year yet. Hopefully at that point, I'll be spending most of my days in an air conditioned truck and the heat rash that currently covers my arms and neck will go away.

Tomorrow looks to be another hot day like today was. Hopefully I'll not have to wait for an hour in a hot truck. That should help tremendously.

Whee?

Ugh!

This morning started, as most of the mornings since the 16th have, with an alarm going off at 5:30. I then went about getting ready for my day at school. Everything was fine, until roughly 6:30 when I took some muscle relaxant and pain reliever. Then, my stomach violently revolted. I kept them down, but I wasn't really sure I would.

Ace called us in sick (he stayed to take care of me, he's feeling fine) and I laid back down. I ended up taking two naps this morning. My stomach is feeling better-ish. I'm not feeling like throwing up right now, but I doubt I'll be up for school this afternoon either.

Ace's mom is slightly upset that he's staying home to take care of me. I'm not pushing him one way or the other, although I did tell him he could go to school if he wanted. He'd rather take care of me and not work for a company that would rather him leave his wife uncared for if this is going to affect our chances for a job.

Hopefully this is just somewhat of the tail end of some heat exhaustion I suffered yesterday. Although, my continued desire for more sleep is annoying me to no end. I went to bed last night at 8:30, so my body had plenty of sleep when I first got up. I guess if it still wants more, I must be fighting something off.

On the plus side, we were mostly ahead of our classmates (the people who started when we did). We aren't likely to be too far behind them with missing one day. And worse case scenario, we have to wait an extra day or two to take our driving test. We should still be out of here in a few weeks and my sanity should remain intact. Now if my stomach would just cooperate.

Dear Wil Wheaton

Dear Wil Wheaton,
Hi. How are you? Is life treating you well? I hope it is (it seems like it is).

This is my letter of girlish glee at how cool you seem to be. Even playing a mean version of yourself isn't enough to stop my inner nerd fan girl (who probably comes out way more often than she should) from loving you a bit.

If it weren't for the fact that I am completely in love with my husband and you seem to be absolutely devoted to your wife (That Soft Kitty video was adorable!), I'd ask you to marry me. Instead, I'm asking you to be willing to let me continue to get all excited. Continue to not be a dick in real life (and you can continue to be a dick all you want in fiction, because you do it well). Continue to be willing to make fun of yourself and to introduce your fans to new, completely nerdy things. Because being nerdy is cool, and not in some hipster ironic way.

Basically, I'm asking you not to change. At least not in any deep fundamental way. Keep being the guy who encourages other guys to not be dicks. Keep advocating for everyone to be able to feel comfortable playing games, whatever their gender. Keep making fun of Wesley Crusher, because he kind of deserves it. Keep encouraging us to think of Sparks McGee and remember him in Wesley's place.

Thanks for not being a dick.

Love,
M.A. Smith

P.S.: I can't decide how much I love Chaos or hate him when he shows up on Leverage. That's good work.

Overwhelming

Has it only been two days since I've last posted? It feels like longer.

Sorry, Ace and I have just spent two fairly intensive days in a classroom learning things we need to know to go take a written test on Thursday so we can start learning how to actually drive the trucks on Friday. And the first things we get to practice? Backing up (only the hardest thing to do), something that the manual produced by the state of Oklahoma tells you to avoid doing if at all possible.

The changes that are about to be happening are slightly overwhelming. I'm excited, and tired, and nervous, and ready to be done with all this training and on the road with Ace, and some small part of me is freaked out because my life is about to change drastically (also, I keep noticing weird things happening to random body parts, probably because I need more sleep and less caffeine).

I'm not overwhelmed by all this information (although, it is a little overwhelming). I'm overwhelmed by all these emotions (and some fatigue, I'll be honest).

Life as I knew it has been changed forever.

Making Plans

Ace and I have been talking, a lot, about our questions about truck driving. It's not the driving part that has us asking questions, it's the other stuff.

"Do they charge for taking showers at truck stops?" "Should we buy laundry detergent that we'll have to figure out how to split while we are in training? Or just buy the smallest bottles we can find and hopefully finish them up quickly after training is over?" "How often will we have days off?" "How often do you think we'll be able to go grocery shopping?" "If we pay this and do that, how much do you think we will have saved up at six months? a year?"

We're trying to get things organized and figure out what we need to take with us when we go for on the job training. Obviously, we'll need clothes, and I'm taking my pillow, but do we need sheets for while we're in training? We obviously will need to eat, but are we going to be driving trucks with food in them or eating out for the most part while we're in training?

On the plus side, we still have over 3 weeks to find answers to most of these questions. We're already planning the purchase of my cell phone, so Ace and I can talk to each other when we are apart during training. We know what phone we are getting (and it's cheaper than when I first found it) and it's not something my in-laws can complain too much about.

I'm excited about our changes, but I'm nervous too. What if I hate driving a truck? (After about a year, it may not matter, because we may make changes that would let me be a housewife again.) What if I suck at it? (Okay, the trucking school wouldn't let me go take a test yet if I suck at driving, but still.) What if I find I can't do it after we've invested all this money into it? (How would that be different from my degree in Accounting, other than the fact that truck driving school is shorter and less expensive?) My questions are most silly and should be all answered in just a few weeks. But they are there for now.

In all this, Ace and I have been doing a lot of talking about our future. And this is a great opportunity for us to pay off all our debts, while leaving our monthly expenses low, and maybe even start investing for the future. We'll still get to spend a ton of time together, and we're planning on getting a wifi hotspot in the truck so we can still get online while we're on the road. Things are looking up. So, I refuse to let my questions keep me down. For every argument I could make about how this could blow up in our face, I've got about a dozen more about how this is the best decision for our current circumstances (and the biggest thing is that we'll be on our own again, so I won't have to deal with his parents' brand of craziness on a regular basis).

Look out USA, here we come.

Blackmail

Well, after a long (LONG) talk with Ace's parents a little bit ago, we think they are going to help us with truck driving school. He and I do not have high enough credit scores to get a loan in just our names, but his parents can afford to either co-sign on a loan (at almost no risk to them) or just pay for the class outright. They seem to be likely to do one of those.

But they are using our need of some help as a means to blackmail us into do things for them (we should be out of here in a little over 4 weeks, so it seems silly to us). If their requests were too big or too unreasonable, we would have been much more likely to just decide to ask my dad.

I hate being blackmailed by these two. In fact, I've pretty much decided that after we have finished paying them back all that we owe them, I'm cutting them out of my life. If Ace wants, he can have a relationship with them, but I'm pretty much through. They've burned all their bridges and used all their chances. I have better things to do with my life than to spend it placating people who obviously don't really care for or about me and probably regret that I married their son. There are much more positive and uplifting people who want to see Ace and I succeed in life and be happy that I would much rather spend time with.

I'm frustrated and somewhat angry and I should have been asleep a while ago, but this talk was apparently more important than anything else this evening.

Please tell me I can make it.

Decisions

Ace and I have spent most of the last week trying to decide between two job opportunities. We've finally made our decision and hopefully we'll both enjoy it greatly.

We are going to truck driving school. We're going to get our CDL licenses. We're going to be team drivers. We are going to see lots of the highway system in this country.

I don't know how often I'll be posting this year. On the plus side, I should have a few more actual adventures and a few less whiny posts about my in-laws. I can hardly wait to get started.

Accomplished

Dealing with my in-laws is always enlightening in some way. Sometimes it's enlightening to know just how long I can bite my tongue before I have to get away from the situation or say something insulting. Sometimes it's enlightening to know just how different my upbringing was to Ace's. Sometimes it's enlightening to know just how little faith they have in their son to do something with his life.

Easter dinner, which was a new thing for me to experience with my in-laws (I'm pretty sure in years past they've just gone out to eat). The meal itself went fairly smoothly. My sister-in-law dominated the conversation about the relatives of celebrities, which was interesting and kept the conversation light (something I was thankful for, I love my sister-in-law). The food was fairly good, although I still find the idea of adding melted Red Hots to the rub for the ham odd (it didn't taste particularly cinnamon like, so it seemed kind of wasted).

Then came my mother-in-law reading out stuff about her family's history to my niece. Weird, but fitting with the ancestor theme from lunch and not something she was forcing Ace and I to participate in. When we went out to get some pie (key lime and some other flavor, both good partially because they were store bought), things got a little weirder.

My mother-in-law's ancestor owed some money to a John Smith. We don't know which John Smith, and it's not like the name immediately points to someone specific (there is no more of a generic name). I have no clue why it was important enough to be written down, but I feel that way about how many cattle, bed warmers, and acres of land her ancestors had too (also all written down). It was interesting to ponder that maybe it was the John Smith that knew Pocahontas, but given that I don't know what years this ancestor lived, it's hard to say either way.

Then my father-in-law pipped up that Darrell wouldn't be in the record books because he doesn't owe money to anyone famous. That's true, we don't owe money to anyone with any kind of name, but that's not really important. My father-in-law has decided that his 31 year old son will never do anything important enough to make history because he hasn't yet. It's not like Ace's life expectancy is 40 (in which case, he could make history but he'd have to hurry up to do so), so it's kind of silly to declare him past the point of potentially making history.

I'm not saying that I think Ace will be well known in the history books. I don't know. I don't really care. But I hate that my father-in-law thinks it was an appropriate thing to say. If Ace and I took him seriously, we might as well lay down and not move for the rest of our lives (which would be considerably shorter if we did lay down and not move) because we obviously are going to be stuck in the same position we are in (or only slightly better than where we are now) for the rest of our lives. At least, that's the implication we are getting off of what he is saying.

And you know what? My father-in-law is unlikely to make history. He hasn't so far, and is much closer to the end of his life than Ace and I are to the end of ours at this point. Maybe he's just jealous that we have more time to make history. But most likely, he just doesn't believe in his son. And that is sad.

It Feels Passive-Aggressive to Me

Lately, Ace and I have been using real dishes (instead of paper plates) to eat off of. We ran out of bowls, and most of the food that is bought for us to eat requires a bowl to be eaten (ravioli, soup, chili). All that means that we are constantly using up the available bowls.

Lately, the dishes seem to be piling up if Ace doesn't do them. I recognize that we are suddenly adding to the dishes pile (and that should hopefully stop soon), but we are not the only ones who are using dishes in this house.

We are starting to get the impression that Ace's parents want him to take over doing the dishes (because God forbid his father do them?). It's frustrating on our part, because they won't just come out and say they want us to do more around the house. In fact, about the only things Ace isn't doing is cooking them dinner, doing their laundry, or doing most of the actual cleaning (scrubbing toilets, dusting, vacuuming). I sort of get the impression that if my father-in-law thought he could get away with it, he'd have us do their laundry too.

If they would just say something to one of us, we'd have a better idea. I think part of the problem is that we've been leaving our door shut more lately (they've been loud and we've wanted quiet more). To get back at us for the perceived problems from their point of view, they are being passive-aggressive about chores around here (or at least dishes). (They also seem to think that we can just make Ace get a job offer by wanting it enough. Because that's the reason we are still living here after almost 2 years, because we just don't want to be on our own and supporting ourselves enough. *Scream*)

And now I'm going to relax and breathe and remind myself that Ace and I plan on getting out of here as soon as possible.

The Mouse Problem

Last week, I discovered very quickly how used to my personal mouse I was. After 10 minutes trying to use a similar mouse, I realized I was getting frustrated. My mouse has two extra buttons on it, one to move pages forward and one to move them back (great for internet browsing, I tell you), and apparently they have become vital to my mental health in the few months that I've had this mouse.

So, Ace's desktop temporarily had two mice at it. I used my mouse when I was on, and he used his mouse when he was on. It was working just fine for us, if looking a little silly. Until his mouse suddenly died.

At that point, we had my working mouse and his non-working mouse at his computer, the cord for my laptop on the way, and no way that I am going to just let him keep my mouse when I get my laptop back (because I need it for my mental well being, remember). And our only back-up mouse was being used by my father-in-law because his mouse had died and we didn't use that one.

Ace's parents have bought a mouse (we are using it, because it was way too difficult to explain whose mouse we were replacing to my father-in-law). It is a plain, simple mouse, not one like Ace and I have been using recently, but it works.

But it seems strange that just as we are fixing my problem (at no cost to us, nicely), we suddenly have another problem. It's been way too crazy with technology all of a sudden around here. On the plus side, I think we may have hit the end of those problems for a while. But I think a new keyboard for Ace maybe something we consider in the near future.

Independence

This morning, about 5 minutes after 11:30, the doorbell rang. By the time I got the door opened, there wasn't anybody there, but there was a package with my name on it.

I have a cord that can charge my laptop again! I am back to being independent of Ace's computer, a fact we are both grateful for. Now I can take however long I want doing whatever I want and not feel like I'm frustrating him any.

Nicely we only had to share a computer for a week, and I got caught up on some magazines while I was on an internet diet. My stack of things to read is currently smaller and will probably be ignored for a day or two, while I revel in my laptop again.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you about the mouse situation (because we seem to like having computer issues pop up one right after the other).

3-5 Business Days

Earlier, Ace and I remembered to check to see if my laptop was still under warranty (and if the cord was covered). It was (and is).

I'll be back on my own computer in 3-5 business days.

Hopefully Ace and I can survive that without driving each other crazy about Ace's desktop.

See you in 3 to 5 business days!

P.S.: Hormones tried to dominate me this month, but they were no match for the stress levels in my life currently. Cramps still suck (as if I had forgotten that).

Sharing a Computer

Right now, my laptop is sitting around collecting dust. It would work well as a paper-weight, but not as a laptop. The reason why is that the cord has stopped charging the battery back up (there was a crimp in the cord or something similar that caused it to stop providing power).

So, Ace and I are sharing a computer. It's been interesting to realize what I miss from my now limited internet access. Mostly, I miss having the options to talk to Ace through a messenger service and the ability to entertain myself with movies/music/whatever on demand. Not spending the time online isn't as big a problem, but it has lead to me being more interested in the TV being on (it's something besides just books or magazines or playing a hand-held solitaire game).

I've been struggling, slightly, with not feeling like it's all my fault my laptop is suddenly temporarily useless. My last laptop went 4 years with one cord with no problems, despite being used in a similar manner, so I know it's not that I'm just extremely hard on laptop cords. Ace is frustrated with the maker's of the laptop since they obviously did not do well enough on making a good cord.

Hopefully, I will soon have my laptop back. Until then, my posts may be scarce. I've got too much to do online in too short a time frame to come by here as regularly as I would like (on the plus side, I do have my own profile on Ace's desktop now, so we won't get nearly as frustrated with each other while sharing the computer). And hopefully I'll continue to not suffer too much from my lack of a connection. I expect my iPod to get a lot more use for a while.

Distracted by The Doctor

I did not mean to not post for a few days, but I've been distracted lately. I've been watching Doctor Who (season 6) on Netflix. I am all caught up (except the 2010 Christmas special, because it's not available).

Everyone says you never forget your first Doctor, and they are right. But I think Matt Smith is my Doctor, even though he's not my first Doctor. He does such a good job balancing the happiness and the pain that comes from his position. He's less serious most of the time, but he still saves the day. He's perfect, in an imperfect way.

Doctor Who, like all British shows, reminds me how backwards America is on TV. Most of our TV stars look prettier than most of the general population. I'm not saying that it's 100% the case, but most of the time Americans are looking at people who seem more perfect physically. In Britain, most of the people in their shows look like anybody you would see down the street. And I kind of love it. I wish America would do a bit more of that.

Anyway, I've been distracted by The Doctor lately. So, that's where I've been (Not feeling depressed and crying my eyes out. Laughing and cringing and facing some fears that I didn't realize needed facing until suddenly, they are faced.).

What have you been distracted by lately?

There Are Things Words Can't Say

I've made no secret that Ace and I are trying to have kids. I've probably posted more about my frustrations with that than I really should have. Believe me, most of the posts were probably only showing about half of my emotions.

There are just some things that words can't fully express. The hurt or the longing for something that seems oddly just out of reach. The frustration and pain caused by people announcing their pregnancies and saying things like "We weren't trying, it was a surprise." It's amazing how things that should just bring you joy can cut you deeper than a knife.

I've kept from telling people how much it hurt to hear they were pregnant. They shouldn't have their joy doused by my pain. It's my issue to deal with, not theirs. And while they might have tried to be a bit more tactful if they had known, it would feel like I was asking a lot of someone.

It's always been amazing to me how many different emotions would come up with someone's announcement. Joy, pain, longing, happiness, tears, a desire to pull away, a desire to protect myself from the pain, jealousy. All these emotions, swirling around, usually with extra hormones running through my system. And these words, while they tell you the things I was feeling, don't tell you how deeply they were felt. How ridiculous I felt feeling them all.

I have no announcement today. Other than that I try to not dwell on any of the negative emotions. They keep me from focusing on the blessings that surround me. I'm not saying that hearing one of my relatives announce something doesn't still hurt some part of me, but I push that hurt away. I focus on the good. And I spend some time cuddling with Ace.

Anyone who's ever been in my situation knows how I've felt. Frustration isn't a strong enough word. None of them are. But you also know that you can't stay feeling frustrated. It's unproductive. And besides, life won't let you. The world doesn't actually stop just because we are hurting.

I don't know that I have any real goal with this post. I think I just need to express this to the universe. My words, while important, are inadequate. I apologize for that. They are the only words I have to try to explain, and these words can't say everything I'm trying to express. Unfortunately, in this situation, words are not enough.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go hug my husband.

There's a First Time for Everything

Not too long ago, I entered a contest to win a cookbook. It was on Aiming Low and I was hoping that I might win. I've never won anything I've entered online before, but I figured the worst that would happen is that I entered and didn't win again.

Well, turns out I've won. Soon, I will be getting a cookbook in the mail from Ree Drummond, A.K.A. The Pioneer Woman. It'll be exciting to go through and make notes on what dishes to try for New Recipe Thursday in the future.

Ree Drummond lives not too far from Tulsa. She'll be doing a signing in Tulsa for this cookbook later this month. I'm slightly hoping Ace and I will have a chance to go meet her in person then. I have not specific expectations that it will happen, but you never know.

I won something and it's something that has me really excited. I love cookbooks. I purposefully don't look at cookbooks at bookstores because I'd be as likely to stock up on too many cookbooks that I will never get through as I would in the fiction section (not that it stops me from looking at the fiction section).

So, I'll be trying to not obsessively check Ace's e-mail address for when I have a package to pick up. Yay for me and my new cookbook!

Tears in My Heart

My dad is in constant pain. Unless he's on his prescriptions, in which case he's probably asleep (he's got some powerful pain killers, and they don't always kill his pain). Unfortunately, this leads to a different kind of spiral than just constantly being in pain or knocked out by drugs.

He's in a depression spiral. The pain killers are a depressant. The pain is causing depression. The frustration of being in a bad cycle of either hurting or being asleep to avoid pain is causing depression.

Lately, the depression has been showing through. He's hurting, physically and emotionally. He's planning on focusing on other stuff, to not keep dwelling on the sad, painful parts. In a way, I'm glad. You don't feel as depressed when you stop focusing on the depression. But I'm still feeling sad. My daddy hurts, and I can't fix it.

Ace has said that we should go visit my dad soon. Hopefully something like that will be good for all of us (me, Ace, and my dad). We all could use some peace, it seems.

Waiting for a Phone Call

This morning, Ace had a job interview. It seemed to go well, but we are waiting to hear back. On the plus side, if he does get it, it will be like he is being paid to work out. On the minus side, it will be five 11 hour days of work a week, plus possible Saturdays from time to time.

It will mean lots of time where I don't get to see my husband, for who knows how long. But we'll have money coming in again. We'll be able to buy me a phone. We'll be able to get a bigger fridge. We'll be able to buy most of our own food again. We'll be able to take care of some old debts.

The pay will be enough for us to, eventually, move out. We may have to live in an apartment, but we should be able to live on our own. And who knows, Ace may get a pay raise at some point.

Now, if they would only call back and say he needs to go here to take a drug test or he needs to be ready to start on this day. That would be so very nice.