This Post Is Also Pointless, But At Least It's Not Disgusting

We seem to have hit a small snag on things just running smoothly lately. Last week just had a bunch of fairly small issues that compounded and made for a bad week. This morning added a new, fixable problem that has not helped things feel like they are going right.

That said, we did get off the yard at unnamed trucking company within 48 hours, which is a record. It was going to be within 24, but there were issues with a load and it was just easier to go back to the yard and try again the next day.

And we have plenty of miles under the last two weeks. Which is good, because they pay by the mile, so any time spent sitting is somewhat costly. Especially when it is because of waiting on a load to be loaded or dealing with overages on a load (both of which happened last week, which is at least partly why it was a bad week).

Things work better, of course, when the people you are dealing with at your own company are not crazy. And when other companies don't lie to your company. Friday was not a good day (lots of sitting, not a lot getting fixed, no chance to actually do our laundry like we wanted/needed to).

I would like to urge anyone out there who thinks that going to a truck stop and doing your laundry there is a good idea, at least do the truck drivers a favor and don't use all the machines at one time. If you do, your laundry getting done is cutting into our break time and we only have 10 hours to get any laundry done and try to get 8 hours of sleep before hitting the roads again and driving vehicles that weigh up to 40 tons. Do you want a sleepy driver driving something that would then become a very heavy weapon down the roads you might need to take? (This has happened to us more than once. Why do people who have cars and can visit laundromats or friends or neighbors or family or anywhere else too think their laundry is more urgent than the truck driver who can, at best, maybe make it another day or two before he or she has to wash their clothes?)

It was not a good week last week. And we're both still a bit annoyed right now. (Especially since we only have one computer that can get online right now, because the other one seems to have some virus.)

Can things just smooth out a bit for a few days, please.

In Which I Rant About What Makes a Fan

In a different part of my life, I spend way too much time on Tumblr looking at pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch. It's a problem that has mostly been solved by being on the truck and adding more blogs that have nothing to do with Benedict Cumberbatch to my Tumblr dashboard.

Apparently, there are people out there who feel the need to dictate what a fan of something is and who it is not. And this has made me fairly angry. Because why does anyone feel they have a right to determine who is a fan? Who declared them king or queen with the power to dictate who is a fan and who is pretending to be one?

As usual, it was because of something stupid (with a few not so stupid but very childish threats) and it has grown into something even bigger and more stupid. It's growing into something that can hurt the show/books that all these people are claiming to love.

I am declaring, right here, that I don't care what characters you would like to see in a relationship on a show or in a book or movie. That does not determine whether or not you are a fan. If you like what you see, you are a fan. If you are excited about it, you are a fan. If you have only seen 5 minutes and wish you could see the entire thing, no matter how big it is, you are a fan.

Everyone else can back off. Because your opinion on what makes a fan is skewed there. If they like it, they are a fan. Period. That's all it takes. They don't have to dedicate time and energy into anything more than liking it and they are a fan.

There you go world, go be fans. Just stop bringing your drama into my already over dramatized life. I have sleep to catch up on.

This Post Is Not Worth Reading

I apologize in advance for today. After ignoring this blog for way longer than reasonable, I came today to whine about how I'm not feeling as good as I'd like to.

It starts at about midnight last night. I had gone to sleep at 7 pm (Ace and I hadn't quite had enough sleep lately, and I was exhausted) and woke up between midnight and 1 and needed to go to the bathroom. While I was taking care of business, Ace texted me and asked if I wanted to get dinner while we were inside. Not seeing any particular reason not to, I said something along the lines of I guess.

After I finished eating dinner, I stopped by another bathroom, because my bladder was uncomfortably demanding I go again (I'm pretty sure I may have a mild UTI and maybe some minor dehydration, but without checking with a doctor it's hard to be sure). While in the bathroom, I grew uncomfortably cold. I walked back to the table, where Ace was still eating, and he handed me the key to the truck and told me to go ahead and go out (apparently I looked like I was needing to lay down). I made it to the truck and wrapped up in my blanket, but I couldn't seem to get myself to lay down and be comfortable.

So, I decided to sit in the front seat and watch for Ace (even though he was going to text me when he was on his way). I got out a slightly garbled text to let Ace know I wasn't feeling good (the word throw came out as hrpw), and then I was opening the door to throw up on the ground/steps to the truck. Ace then told me to grab the trash can (too late). He bought me some peppermints and some Pepto Bismol before he came out to the truck. Unfortunately for him, the sight, sound, and smell of vomit causes him to respond in a like manner, so neither of us got to actually digest the meal he had just bought for us. While he was recovering from his reaction to my stomach's protest, I suddenly had to rush back inside.

Apparently, my body was not satisfied with just throwing up. All I will say is that I felt amazingly better after and was just tired. The Pepto at the least didn't hurt my now calm stomach. And I slept until the alarm for us getting up and taking a shower went off this morning at 6:30.

While my stomach is still acting a bit more queasy than I'd like, I seem to be only tired at this point. And I will admit that sometimes my stomach can't quite differentiate between hunger and nausea (after last night, I'm being extra cautious). I don't think Ace has much of a problem with that. The only good thing is that I know it wasn't food poisoning because I threw up a bit too soon for that to be the case. Just my stomach being very unhappy.

And now for another peppermint, because this is not helping my stomach calm down.

Studying, But Not What I Expected to Be Studying

Well, I am obviously not getting any better about remembering to post while we are on the road. But, I have a good reason lately. I've been working on a project that spawned a second project.

It started like this: I was listening to a sermon that we had playing overnight. It woke me up, and I was awake, so I had little else better to do. In it, the teacher was talking about how his mother had typed up scriptures for the teacher and his wife to stand on when they were believing God for a child. And I thought, "I should look up scriptures to do that." So, I started doing that.

Well, then we took a week's vacation and I relaxed and didn't work on the list. But when we got back on the truck, I started back up. And then I saw a verse that I know I've read before, but it didn't quite hit me the way it did this time I read it. It was Colossians 3:21 and in the Amplified, it reads as "Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]"

So, I looked up all the things not to do to children and how they would become and feel if you did those things. Because words are important, and I wanted to clearly understand what God meant by that. And that lead me to I Corinthians 13:4-8, which is all about love. And I realized that we are supposed to be parents that live what is said about love, which would avoid all of those things.

Basically, I seem to be starting to get a lesson about parenting together, which will hopefully lead back to me getting together my list of scriptures on parenting. (In other news, I know at least one thing that God is obviously gearing me up for, at some point.

So, yeah. I'm over here (and there but maybe not there) doing research about parenting. (No, I'm not currently pregnant. I'm just finishing up my period, thanks for asking.) If nothing else, I should be well prepared when I do become a mother. But the timing seems to be right for doing all this research and getting this information together.

Nicely, I have at least one ministry that I've got CDs from that I know teaches about marriage and parenting. I'll go through all my CDs and make notes soon. I am going to have lots of information on hand about children and parenting. And maybe someday, I'll be teaching others what God and others have taught me.

Reflections

I'm in an odd mood right now. I think part of it is the fact that Ace and I finished the Harry Potter series on Wednesday and I'm not reading anything new currently. We'll be going through The Lord of the Rings trilogy next, but we don't get back on the road until Monday at the earliest.

Part of the issue is that the future is back up in the air again. Ace doesn't want to leave his current company while he is mad, so we've not talked to the company we think we want to go with next. I totally understand, and since we did get off the truck mostly on time I'm not going to try to argue the point.

On the plus side, we have enjoyed our time off. We got new glasses and prescription sunglasses. We replaced some clothes. We bought some toys. The only thing that would have been nicer would have been if I could have gotten the book I wanted (Good Omens, some day I will own you!). Well, that and our mail not getting lost in UPS's system (which has lead to one uncomfortable phone call to listen to already, and will probably lead to another).

So, I'm calling this vacation, the first we've ever taken, successful. Over all. And that's what matters.

Unnamed Trucking Company Letter

Dear Unnamed Trucking Company,
I am sorry that my existence seems to be troubling your lives lately. I know that it's frustrating that I want my husband to actually have some time off. I mean, in your eyes, he's had time off as recently as April and what does he need more time off for anyway?

The thing is, he hasn't really had time off since March. When we took a few days to visit some friends. In April, we were trying to get the truck fixed. And that didn't really happen until we were back on the yard and supervising the fixing ourselves. Even then, we left with one of the main problems still unfixed (unbeknownst to us at the time).

However, it is our 10th anniversary in just over a week. I have demanded only one thing: not to be on the truck (or in a car, really) on our anniversary. It's really the simplest demand possible. I'm fairly sure most wives demand something more impressive for their 10th anniversary, but my desires right now are fairly simple. We even gave you at least most of June for notice that we wanted time off around then and where we wanted to go.

The fact that this notice did not seem to be enough for you is hardly my fault. My husband cannot go back in time to change our anniversary for you. And he wouldn't even if he could.

While we are off the truck, we will be talking with another company. They seem to treat their drivers better, and that appeals to us right now. How things go from there partially depends on their answers and partially on how close to our anniversary it gets before we get off the truck. There are a few other factors, but those are some of the stronger ones right now.

So, Unnamed Trucking Company, maybe in the future you should remember that your drivers are people. They have lives outside their job for you. And if you keep treating them badly, it's not going to go well for your company in the future. After all, truck drivers are smart enough to know when they are being shafted and to ask drivers from other companies how that company treats their drivers.

Cordially,
M.A. Smith

Why We Are Considering a Change

One of the reasons we are considering a change of places of employment for Ace is how much he's being annoyed by, well, frankly everyone but his driving manager and about two other people (one of whom he hardly ever talks to, so there's that).

Case in point: On Wednesday, we get up at 2 am to deliver a load at 7 am. We finally get to leave with an empty trailer at 10:10 am. By the time we're done with sending off our load sheets (so we can get paid) and doing a post trip inspection (or PTI), it is about noon. When we get done with our trailer being unloaded, we have to send something off via the Qualcom (basically a computer with very limited things it can do) to the company to tell them what time it is, when we will be available for dispatch, how much unloading was, all that fun stuff. We wanted a day and a half to just relax and not deal with anyone at the company, so we put in Friday (today) at 8 am for when we would be available.

Somehow, the system didn't show that we had a trailer, despite one being put in on the unloaded message. That is potentially a glitch. That is only minorly an issue in this story.

So, the planner, doing his job, re-entered stuff in for us having the trailer. Only he didn't pay any attention to when we said we would be available for dispatch. So he sent us a load yesterday and called to let us know. Then he proceeded to interrupt Ace every time he tried to talk after Ace told him that he was planning on taking yesterday off. He proclaimed that Ace had had a day off Wednesday (since when is a 10 hour day a day off?) and that he had hours he could drive.

Nicely, Ace's driving manager was able to go talk to the guy, get us back off that load and point out that he was the reason he was seeing us as available when we had originally said we wouldn't be. A few hours later, we got a different load assignment, but before Ace could accept it, he was sent a message saying that it was for a different driver. This morning, after leaving us waiting for a while, he sent a message asking if Ace was ready yet. We are both annoyed with that planner, as he seems to barely be doing his job (The last time we had him planning something for us, he didn't send us a plan until after we dropped off a load that we had all day to deliver, so we wanted to know when we would pick up and where as we could wait to deliver until close to pick up time. We ended up wasting quite a few hours that day sitting around because of that.).

So, with the diminishing respect for anyone who works in the offices, it is not very surprising that we are considering a change. Preferably to a company that we haven't heard any complaints about thus far (in fact, we've only heard good things about them, even by their own drivers).

On Anniversaries and Changes

Ace and I have our 10th wedding anniversary coming up. We're taking a week off. My only demand has been that we be off the truck by roughly 10pm the night before. (All right, I've also asked for cheesecake, but that is a request, not a demand.)

Ace has never had quite that much time off. At least not since his first break during training.

While we are off, we're going to talk do a different company. We've had a few too many problems lately with the current one. We sat from 7 pm Friday until 1 am Tuesday on Memorial Day weekend. We got paid $270 in compensation for that. None of that actually saw our checking account for various reasons.

We are not amused. And we are tired of Ace being called for favors and getting messed up financially for doing them, with no one willing to help us out in return.

It's coming up to being time for a change.

So, change we are looking for.

(I am still frustrated and tired and overwhelmed by some things. But I'm better, knowing we have a plan.)

I Don't Even Know Any More

This past month has been awkward for me. I have never wanted to say "I quit" more. And I'm not really sure what it is that I want to quit. Because it's not my marriage. Nor is it being on the truck.

I think we are both done with this company. I'm impressed Ace has made it this long. We're going to talk to another company Tuesday to find out a few things (like if it would be better to wait until he has a year under his belt before switching).

I'd like to blame it on this being May, but I doubt that's the issue.

I'm ready for a break. We aren't planning one for almost two weeks. But I'm ready for a break.

Harry Potter Part 4

After taking longer than expected, Ace and I finished Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (this book had more days of delay than it should have).

Which means for the first time, we have the exact same amount of knowledge of what is going to happen. Namely, what was in the movies.

I am looking forward to Luna Lovegood.

(In other news, Ace made a Harry Potter reference today. It made me laugh. I love this man.)

My Crazy, Let Me Show You It

I have a really strange mind sometimes. I say this with no pride about that nor any shame. I recognize that my mind is potentially really screwed up. I blame my mother, mostly because she was so instrumental in breaking it in the first place.

I have a totally irrational fear of making phone calls. The only person I can reliably feel comfortable calling is Ace. It's crazy, because I know there are other people who would love to actually hear from me on the phone. People like my dad, who would just not answer if it was a bad time. And yet... I have been crippled at the thought of actually talking to someone that I've called. (I have no fear of answering my phone and talking, but calling someone else... I told you my mind is strange.)

I am really picky about music and shoes/socks. And sometimes food. Like insanely picky about music. Enough to annoy Ace if I were in charge of the music in the truck. And I hate wearing shoes for long periods of time. If I feel comfortable in your house, my shoes will come off. It makes shoe shopping torturous. Let's not even talk about me buying socks. The food thing is the only one that makes sense. My taste buds are really sensitive. And they don't like complex flavors for the most part. Or really strong ones. And yet, I have somehow convinced my taste buds to like licorice (black and red, because I'm just that weird).

I occasionally try to pick a fight with Ace. Without realizing that's what I'm doing, until I've said something stupid. No clue why, as I hate fighting and love Ace.

The main reason I didn't want to be an engineer: the number of hours it would take to get my degree (also, because my mother wanted me to become one). The degree I chose to get: the second highest number of hours required for getting a job (accounting, which at the time required 150 credit hours to sit for the CPA exam... don't know if that's changed).

I read about grammar for fun. I don't think I got enough knowledge of grammar in school.

This is not an exhaustive list of my bits of crazy. These are just the bits that seem important right now.

Hopefully I won't cringe and beat myself up mentally for posting this later.

Dear Life...

Dear Life,
Hi. How are you? Doing well? I ask because I'm concerned.

It seems that you seem to think I did something with your spouse. Or at least that's how you are treating me. Given that lately I've barely had the time/the inclination to do things with my spouse, it seems unreasonable to think I'm doing something with yours.

I don't even know if you have a spouse. I'm not sure I care.

Please give me a break and bother someone else. Or better yet, follow Wil Wheaton's advice: Don't be a dick.

And now, I'm going to go back to trying to forget how much I'd like to be at the end of my day. Because it seems to be a bit far away right now.

Signed,
M.A. Smith

I am starting to be able to tell which bathrooms had a woman's help in planning them and which a woman was only consulted to make sure nothing was missing.

To explain, there have been multiple bathrooms I've been in where the trash can for feminine hygiene products was behind the head of the person going to the bathroom. Until today, I didn't use one while on my period. Not that it's stopped me from thinking it was a dumb design before today. Today, it just made me want to scream. Because what woman, while dealing with cramps, wants to have to figure out how to avoid blood dripping off a tampon and onto her clothes?

Whoever designed that bathroom clearly was just trying to cram as many stalls in, and had to have someone (probably a woman) point out that they were missing something from the stalls. With no extra space on the walls (except next to the toilet paper, which would have made more sense), they put it the only place they thought made sense. Behind the woman's head/shoulders.

Yes, I am feeling disgruntled about it. After last month, where my body decided to play with what it was doing, it has decided to bleed like a stuck pig this month. Meaning I've had my period for less than 7 hours and have already had to change my tampon twice. There is a reason I'm eating a king size bag of M&Ms and following it up with a regular sized bag.

So, whoever is designing stalls for women's bathrooms, I implore you. Do not make a woman suffer more when she is on her period. Especially if she lives in a truck. Her life is already hard enough. Make the bathroom as pleasant an experience as you can.

And now I'll go back to eating my chocolate. Because chocolate understands me today. And it thinks my jeans are evil too (Ace claims pants aren't evil, but he doesn't have cramps).

I'm Hiding Today

Today is one of those days I have mixed emotions about. Most of them have to do with hiding from anything proclaiming anything about Mother's Day and waiting it out until tomorrow, when I'm safe from all the commotion for until next year.

It's also my mother's birthday today. This only complicates my feelings for today.

On the plus side, Ace is wonderful. He is fine with me ignoring that it's Mother's Day. He's fine with buying me chocolate/sweets/whatever and letting me hide away from the world. He understands why I flinch, mentally, at the reminders.

I hope that if you are a mother, you have a wonderful day. Don't let my issues with the day ruin your day. Celebrate. Take a day off or spend it with your children or celebrate however you want.

As for me, I think I'll spend part of the day eating the Swedish Fish Ace bought for me. He really is the best husband ever.

And hiding. Because avoiding the reminders is better than flinching all day.

Depression Sucks Enough On Its Own

Lately, I've seen a few things about depression online and they've got me thinking. The talented Allie of Hyperbole and a Half wrote about her long, staggering bout of depression that she's still getting over. And I'm glad she is.

On Tumblr, I read about people who are being treated as not in need of help because while they are depressed, they don't self harm.

And I find that to be hurtful. Just because I don't wear physical scars does not mean that I've not got scars on my mind. Depression is not something to ignore just because I don't react the way that someone else expects me to.

I imagine that everyone who suffers from depression long term comes to a point where they want to give up. I did. It was difficult to just keep doing the very little that I was doing. And the only thing that provided me with hope each week was prayer night (praying for a local ministry). The only reason I didn't end up just laying in bed for about a month straight (other than trips to the bathroom) was because of prayer night.

But I didn't hurt myself. The worst I did was not eat enough. I ended up losing 15 pounds because of it.

I spent days laying in bed, watching tv, not caring about anything. I had no passion. And the only times I felt normal were times Ace was home from driving.

I needed help. I needed someone to know that I needed help and to get it for me, because I wasn't comfortable asking for it.

I hate to think that if someone had gotten me the help I desperately needed (and wanted) that I would have been turned away because I wasn't harming myself. I hate to think that we don't take depression seriously as a problem unless someone is harming themselves or considering suicide. I hate to think that we are hurting people that are already hurting because we don't believe them when they say that want help because they aren't doing what we expect them to.

We need to remember that people have emotional and mental scars too. That not all scars are physical. That someone can be hurting or numb and need help without any outward signs.

I am glad Allie got help. I wish I had gotten help. I'm thankful for the people who reminded me of my blessings when I couldn't see them (by asking what was going on in my life). And I hope that we can help people more often when they are hurting this way.

Harry Potter Post 3

We have now made it through the first three Harry Potter books. We're in the middle of watching the 6th movie (we were watching it, but then had to stop to drive for several hours, so we'll finish it later). And we're both really interested in what is going to happen.

I did have to look up Luna Lovegood to see if she lives, because I like the character, but didn't want to commit to loving her if she was just going to break my heart by dying. I've been hurt by fictional characters enough. But she lives, so it's all good. I can love my fellow random person.

I am now trying to figure out why Professor Slughorn's name is so familiar, without looking it up. It's kind of annoying me. (And I'm probably going to look it up here in a moment.)

As I told Ace last night, the magic will never end, because we (or I) can always reread the books or re-watch the movies.

And I think I'm done with my random, barely coherent post. I think Luna has rubbed off more than I expected.

Harry Potter Mania Continues

So, Ace and I have finished book 2 (Chamber of Secrets) and are just over halfway through book 3 (Prisoner of Azkaban). And before you say, "I thought you weren't going to push so hard to finish books any more" I'd like to tell you that we finished book 1 on the 26th of April, and I've only been reading 5 chapters a day at most (I've skipped a few days). Book two is fairly short (18 chapters), so it wasn't hard to get through that quickly and book 3 is only 22 chapters, so it's not that odd that we might be over halfway through it right now.

We've watched through Goblet of Fire. We've now got all the movies (Walmart had them for a good deal, and we got all of them for $40 because we were willing to look for the last two at another Walmart because the first one didn't have those two.). And we are frustrated because while our TV works, the place it was plugged in does not. But we have laptops that will play the movies if nothing else.

I think Ace is excited about the stories. Which makes a change from 10 years ago when he asked me to not bring the books into his house (which is why I stopped reading them after book 4. So looking forward to more/new plots). And it's a nice change. He's grown as a person. And I no longer have to avoid most things with Harry Potter, which is great because it is huge in the nerdy/geeky things that we love.

Whee!

Harry Potter, Part 1

Ace and I have now gotten through the first Harry Potter book (Or we did a few days ago, oops.). My throat is more sore than I'd like, because I read over half the book to him last night/this morning. Since we'd already watched the movie, it was easier for him to follow the story without getting too distracted or needing me to reread stuff to him.

Still, it was a lot to read in a few hours.

But, we will continue the same pattern with books 2-6. After that, we'll hopefully either have found the movies for book 7 or I'll just read it to myself and fill him in. Or he'll be so invested that he'll have me read it without having the movies available. Whichever.

I'm also trying to figure out if I should read him The Hobbit after this. I think he'd like it, but I'm not sure he'd want to hear it before we can see all the movies.

And I am getting way too ahead of myself.

It's good to be sharing something with Ace. And it gives us something else to talk about.

Just don't tell either of us how it ends.

Why I'd Prefer It If My Children Didn't Read Twilight

Let me preface this by saying that I've not read the Twilight series. I've read enough about it from people who have read it to know that I'd probably prefer to keep it that way. And most of it is not the story line (although I have my issues with that), it's because of the writing. Yes, I've read enough descriptions of the writing to know that I'd prefer to avoid the writing (ones that gave examples from the books).

I'd prefer it if my children don't read Twilight though. And part of it is the story line. I'd prefer my children not think that the characters in the story are good role models. I'd prefer they don't think that it's okay to break and enter to watch someone sleep or to get depressed because someone breaks up with you (for your own good, in their opinion) and then start pulling stupid, suicidal stunts. And hopefully, even if they do read the books (because I won't stop them, even if I discourage it), I will have taught them enough to realize why they should look to other sources for good role models.

I'd prefer, honestly, that my children are inspired by someone like Hermoine Granger (with less rule breaking, preferably) or River Tam, or River Song for that matter. Someone who found love, but was strong even without that. Someone who had a fully developed personality. Someone who shows that doing the right thing is more important than some teenage relationship.

I want my children to read freely, from lots of sources. I plan on reading lots of books, lots of different types of books, to them when they are young. I hope to cultivate a lifetime love of reading. I don't want them to see books as my husband does; non-fiction preferred to fiction, movies preferred to books. Not because there is something wrong with non-fiction or movies, but because there are wonderful worlds out there in fiction.

I'd rather they keep an open mind.

I'd prefer they read and re-read Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, and similar books. I'd prefer that if they are interested in vampire fiction, they go for Dracula or Interview with a Vampire (even if I couldn't quite finish that book).

But I won't ban Twilight. I don't really plan on banning any books, if I can help it. I plan on encouraging them to read books that others have banned. Including Harry Potter. And Fahrenheit 451. And To Kill a Mockingbird. Because there are important things in these books. Some of those things are what got them banned in the first place.

But I want my children, especially my daughters, to have strong female role models. To know that they can be awesome and strong. To know that they can change their world.

And I'm not sure Bella Swan and sparkly Edward Cullen are the way to do that.

Hurry Up and Wait

Once again, we are waiting for our load to be ready (it's loaded, but there is a potential quality control issue). On the plus side, we know where we are stopping at night. Unfortunately, we aren't getting the one thing that is still not right on our truck fixed until who knows when. Which sucks, because until then we are having to idle more to control the temperature in the truck.

Anyway.

In the mean time, Ace and I have bought a lot of movies lately. We bought 13 in the past 48 hours. And now, Ace is watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone for the first time. Ever. And I haven't seen any past the second or third (I've read the first 4 books, but stopped there. The last decade was weird for me.).

It's exciting. At least for me.

And now, back to the movie for me.

Another List

It snowed in Kansas last night. Want to know how I know that for sure? We drove through it. We had turned the a/c on yesterday because we (I) got hot. I miss the warmer weather already, even though I know it will be back.

Anyway, more things I've learned on the road.

1. Sometimes things just keep happening one after another and you can't deliver on time. It sucks, but it's smarter to deliver safely than on time.

2. It's hard to stay awake when you are driving overnight because it's dark and there is nothing to see. And sometimes it's hard to go to sleep, or back to sleep, during the day because it's so light out.

3. Someone needs to come up with heated windshield wipers for trucks. Because ice accumulates there and it makes the wipers stop working as effectively. And the heater blowing on the windshield doesn't warm up the wipers enough to stop that happening.

4. Weather is fickle everywhere, not just Oklahoma. (I kind of figured this, but it's been more obvious on the road.)

5. Apparently, you can still get pulled for jury duty even when you are on the road. Hopefully I can get that issue cleared up quickly and easily (I no longer live in that county or state, and I didn't get notification until after it had passed, or I would have told them before hand. It sucks only getting your mail every few months sometimes.).

6. Some people seem to think, probably because they have never been on a truck, that a truck just stops being an issue when you climb out of it. Just because I can afford to eat wherever does not mean I can park wherever. The truck doesn't disappear just because you've gone inside.

7. Some people will ignore things just because it's inconvenient for them. This just leads to annoying phone calls. (No, we won't take some load to New York City just because you call it The Market. There is a reason it says "No New York" on Ace's file.)

8. New York City is definitely not built for a semi-truck with a 53' trailer. Also, they use a different measuring system than the rest of the country for measuring bridge heights. (A 13' 6" trailer will fit under bridges labeled 12' 2", if there is no snow packed on the ground in New York.)

9. Chicago needs to label a few more bridges. But they do a good job of labeling the ones that are 13' 10" and under.

10. Dallas' skyline looks cooler at night.

11. It's always better when the person fixing the truck has talked to the driver of the truck to know for sure what is wrong with it. Otherwise, it might not get fixed the first time.

12. It sucks when the a/c has an intermittent issue. It's worse when the APU (alternate power unit) goes out.

13. Some weeks, nothing seems to go quite right. Other weeks, everything goes your way.

14. It sucks being stuck at a hotel. Even if the company is paying you for sitting there. Even if they are paying for the hotel room. Especially when the hotel restaurant is closed on Sundays.

15. A semi-truck and trailer can block an interstate when it's tipped over. Hopefully it's not too loaded down, so it can be pulled out of the way and you can get moving again. (We passed by a tipped over truck early yesterday. After waiting about 30 minutes or so for it to be moved out of the way for traffic to pass.)

16. My husband is one of the sweetest guys I know. (He told the car that was sitting next to us that they were going to have to get into the right lane to pass when it was finally clear yesterday, and that he was going to let them get in front of us.)

17. Truckers apologize for cursing in front of me. I'm not quite sure why that is, other than I guess I look innocent. It amuses me each time it happens. (It amuses Ace more.)

18. If you are on time or early for an appointment with Walmart, they get you in and out in two hours. Because they don't want to have to pay detention pay. (Which I totally get.)

19. The worst smelling place I've been? Tyson.

20. The coolest (not temperature wise) place I've been? Hershey, PA. We drove down Chocolate Avenue. I only wished I could get pictures of stuff, but it was the wrong time of day to try to take pictures.

21. The best free stuff we've gotten? Chocolate chip cookies from a Nabisco distribution center and chocolate bars from a Hershey distribution center.

22. San Diego, CA is right on the border with Mexico. Literally, we were within a mile of the border.

23. The only thing more nerve wracking that trying to make sure we didn't accidentally go to Mexico? Trying to make sure we didn't accidentally go back to New York City.

24. The phone numbers that we get with our load assignments? Not useful for anything to do with us.

25. My husband doesn't want me visiting WebMD any more than I do.

I Am Wordy Today

So, after ignoring the blog for most of the year so far, I am apparently wordy today. Go me?

I read a great post earlier called When Is It Time to Walk Away and it has me feeling inspired. Because it's nice to know that someone can understand, without details, that they may not have all the information about why I've made a decision, but it can still be the right one for me.

I am so over everyone telling me that I need a relationship with my mother. I love the people who don't try to tell me that they know better than I do about what I need in my life. No one but me (and possibly Ace) knows what all happened to cause the relationship to be so unhealthy that I needed out. No one but me should decide if I was being harsh or burning a bridge or just that I need to change that decision. And the people who truly care about my happiness either know enough to know that I am happier without her in my life (and why) or to know that they don't need to know the details unless and until I share them.

I read the post out loud to Ace. Then I talked about the fact that I expect to tell our future children something about why they (and I) don't have a relationship with my mother. They'll figure out that my step-mom is not my mom at some point, based on the fact that I call her by name, if nothing else. They'll have questions, and the younger they are, the simpler the answers will be.

I doubt that I'll ever tell them everything. They don't need to know all the details, and I don't remember all of them anyway. I remember enough to know why I stopped the relationship. I remember enough to not let nostalgia for the good times convince me that the relationship would be healthy if I tried to start it back up. I remember enough of the good times that the thought of her doesn't hurt so bad. I remember enough to not want to see her, because just being in the same place is awkward and frustrating.

There are things in this life that I will fight tooth and nail for. My relationship with Ace is one of them. That is a relationship that is worth the work, and usually it doesn't feel like we are working at the relationship. My relationship with my sister is another. I'd love to be closer to her, but we've almost always had a distance separating us (the age difference, if nothing else). But I'd work and try and push to keep a relationship with her. She is worth it. And she wouldn't make me do all the work.

I don't really have a point. I can't say things better than that post did. Sometimes, it's time to protect yourself.

I stopped a toxic relationship with my mother. I survived the emotional abuse that she heaped on me (and it was emotional abuse, which can damage a person nearly as badly as physical abuse can sometimes). I know that just because there were good times, that doesn't negate the bad times. I don't life my life based on the things she said. I don't blame that past on my current situation. I understand that emotional abuse is still abuse, and that I deserve better. I know that some people will never understand, and I don't let them make my decisions for me.

If you have never walked in my shoes, lived my life, you can't know what has caused me to make my decisions. Maybe I am not as strong as some people. But there are people who would be amazed at what I have survived. We all have something we are struggling with. Sometimes, it's time to stop struggling and let it go.

If you ever need to tell someone something without them judging you for making a decision, I hope that I can help. I care and I'd be happy to listen/read. I understand loving someone who hurts you. And I understand letting someone go because the hurt is too much. I know that I can never fully understand your life, just as you can never fully understand mine. But I'm here. And I care.

I'm Not Sure Why I'm Sharing This

Sorry I disappeared again. If I had posted the last week and a half, it would probably been about the problems with the truck, which were myriad at the time and would have really been me whining again. Right now, the only thing to whine about that has to do with the truck is the smell.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about is my period. Because it's weird this month, and I don't have a doctor to talk to. So, I'm talking to the internet. I probably need help, and to stop over sharing with strangers (I didn't post about it on Facebook, because I'm classy like that).

So, while Ace and I were at the hotel in Dallas (because the truck was being worked on), I started spotting. Since I had left all my supplies on the truck (which annoyed Ace and I both), we had to go buy some. No big deal, there was a grocery store withing walking distance.

Got everything I needed and we went back to the hotel. And then, my period never quite started. Instead, it's been spotty. I feel fine, nothing hurts. But this isn't like normal (and I'll not talk about color, but that's worried me more than the spotting). And I'm trying not to go onto WebMD and freak myself out about what it could be. Because then I'll convince myself it's something serious and deadly and ahh send help! That way lies madness.

So, yeah. My body is being all mysterious and weird. And I'm trying not to freak out about it.

And why does the truck smell like rotting ham?

Maybe I should check WebMD. Just to be safe.

Nope. Not going to do it.

P.S.: I hate Ace having to drive all night after being at the yard for roughly a week. It screws up my sleep schedule for days. And makes me grouchy to boot. Send caffeine and chocolate.

I Will Get Better About Posting Soon, I Promise

I'm still alive. I even have a good internet connection now. I'm just suddenly finding myself fighting off depression sometimes and not inspired others and exhausted the rest. It's been a busy time lately.

So, anyway. I'm alive and on the truck. We're still traveling around the USA. So far, I've been to more than half the states.

And we've had a few issues come up, but nothing that can't be fixed.

I don't really have much to say tonight, but hopefully I'll be back on with another list of things I've learned since getting on the truck.

See, I Do Remember to Post More Often than Every 2 Weeks!

In addition to being a bad blogger, I've been a bad blog reader. Last year, in roughly August or September (or October, or rather, over parts of all three months), I had a really bad case of depression hit. I lost all my interest in, well, just about anything. I watched a lot of crappy tv and read a lot of fanfiction and didn't do much of anything else. Including eating.

It was really bad. I was eating about two slices of sandwich meat a day for a while. Because the fridge was just too far away.

So, because everything felt like too much effort, I stopped reading blogs. I also stopped reading comics. And playing most games. And on some days, sitting up. And Ace was worried from afar, because he was in training and couldn't be there to help put me back together again (and that was part of the problem).

It was really, really bad. I had a day of talking to Ace on instant messenger where he was offering to talk to my dad and see if he'd come pack my stuff if I could just get myself dressed, and that was too difficult that day (I also may have cried a bit during that conversation, because depression sucks and makes me an emotional wreck). It was epically bad.

And since then, I just haven't made the effort to catch back up on blogs or comics or anything. I'm still not fully checking everything on FaceBook like I used to.

I'm better. Worlds of better. Nowhere near where I was. But I've not started reading blogs again. Because even if I skip catching up on the backlog, which would be advisable, I've not found the desire to go back to reading all those blogs again. Not because I don't care about the people, I do. I just am struggling to find my own voice again, so I'm not ready to add other voices into my head. At least not yet.

So, to all those whose blogs I used to read, I apologize. It's not you. It's totally me. And that crippling depression. I still love you and I hope things are going well. I'm just not ready to immerse myself back in your lives yet. But someday, hopefully soon, I'll be back to reading. Right now, I've got to finish fixing my own head.

Explanations

Hi. I've been MIA for a while, I know. The problem with blogging on the road is oddly not one of not having enough internet connections as much as finding a time when I'm awake and in the mood to write. It's difficult.

And then, Ace and I have take some time off and have been visiting some friends, and I've not thought much about my blog.

I am a crappy blogger sometimes.

Anyway, the other explanation I feel I should do have to do with the hours thing I was mentioning in my last post (I really should have followed that up sooner, but for a bit I was kind of mentally a zombie, only with no desire to eat brains so I wasn't a danger to others. I just wanted sleep.).

The hours of service for a truck driver are as follows: If your company operates 7 days a week (which most do), you have 70 hours in an 8 day period that you can drive, fuel, inspect your truck, and be available for waiting at a shipper or receiver. Everyday, you have 11 hours available time to drive and 14 hours available time to be on duty (driving, fueling, inspecting, waiting, etc.). Unless you have less than 11 hours available on your 70, then you have only those hours available to drive (you still have 14 hours available on duty, that is a constant). On day 9, you get back whatever hours you used on day 1 and it follows like that. In theory, you can drive it so that you never run out of time on your 70 hours. In reality, 70 hours is easily taken up in 6 days and leaves you needing to stop for 34 hours to reset your 70. At least that is often the case for Ace and I.

Everyday, after your 11 hours of driving are up, you have to take a 10 hour break in order to get 11 more hours to drive. This is generally when you eat dinner, sleep, and eat breakfast. It's also the only time a driver has to get on a computer, play games, do laundry (unless they do laundry during a 34). And usually, when you stop, your 10 hour break doesn't start for the better part of an hour because you are doing a post-trip inspection.

So, yeah. A truck driver's life (and that of their passenger) revolves around the 11 hours and the 70 hours. And it's been weird to learn about all of that.

We'll Just Have To Go Back Someday

I have survived us going to Brooklyn, New York in a 72 foot semi. It was one of the most stressful things to have happened. Brooklyn is not made for semis. New York City is not made for semis.

On the other hand, Ace and I went to Hershey, PA after leaving New York. That was cool.

Let me back up some to explain why Hershey, PA was cool, because it wasn't because of getting to see Hershey, PA (too dark, although they do have a street called Chocolate Avenue, which is awesome).

It all started when Ace and I left to go to Louisiana with a load of salad. One long night later, we get stuck sitting for 10+ hours waiting for Ace's break to be over so we can get to our next load. That load was supposed to be started loading onto a trailer at 5 pm and be ready to go by 10 pm. It was finally ready at 5:26 am. That's annoying, but it happens. It would be nicer if we got paid when things like that happen, but we deal as best we can.

So, we deliver the load on time. The place we are delivering to has all the trailers a bit close together, but we get our trailer dropped and we hook up to an empty trailer. All we know about where we are supposed to go from there is Amarillo is the right direction. We end up getting a 34 hour reset (which means Ace has a fresh clock for driving for the week) that we don't need, but it's no big deal (except that is money we could be earning). We head up to Liberal, KS to pick up a load of meat.

The load we are picking up was supposed to be ready by no later than 1:30 pm on Valentine's Day (Ace and I can't get there until about 4 pm, but it is supposed to be ready when we get there). It is finally ready at about 5 am on the 15th. It is already late and the company has to reschedule when it's delivered. Sucky, but not our fault in the slightest.

While we are hauling that load, there is an accident about 3 miles from our planned stop for the night that eats up time while we wait to be able to move. Then, we get a call on the original delivery date that they want their delivery that day, can we do it? The answer is no. Then it looked like we might get taken off it and stuck waiting on a different delivery, but that doesn't work out. So, they have to wait on their delivery because it just isn't going to happen on the original date.

Then comes the harrowing experience of trying to help Ace not get lost in New York. We made it to our delivery 15 minutes early. Then we get to sit and wait, while blocking traffic in one lane, for the receiver to be ready for our delivery. Everything goes fine during our wait and while backing into the dock was crazy, it wasn't a big deal. Getting back out of Brooklyn, on the other hand... We got lost. Thankfully, a cop car pulled up and lead us back to where we needed to be to get out. And while we got lost again trying to get across New Jersey, we managed to avoid going back to New York.

While we were sitting at the dock, waiting for our load to be unloaded, we got our next delivery assignment. Hershey, PA to Mississippi. We arrived in Hershey early, hoping that maybe they might be ready for us. They were, which was great because we were 6 hours early. Everything with that load (which we finished last night) went great. They had an easy place for us to drop our trailer. The trailer we were hooking up to was where they said it would be. And we got part of the way down the road towards the delivery before we had to stop for a 10 hour break.

We are currently getting another 34 hour reset, but this one is actually needed. We pick up a load tomorrow night. Hopefully things go smoothly.

Sometimes, trucking involves a lot of sitting around, waiting. But when it's going well, it involves a lot of driving.

I'm just glad I'm with Ace again. And that we are planning where all we want to go when we are seeing the US in a car/RV.

On the Road Again

Ace and I have been on the road again since Saturday evening. And after a few days of not quite enough sleep all at once, I am finally mostly able to not feel like my mind is fuzzy. I'm still tired, but my thoughts aren't quite so mixed up.

The problem is that right now there is little to talk about. Exhaustion does not make me creative or provide many interesting stories. And my current description of Louisiana would include how dark it is (at night), that we could see trees even in the dark, and that we did a lot of waiting for loads to be loaded or unloaded. Not exactly the most accurate description. (The shipper for our current load was supposed to start loading the trailer we were picking up at 5 pm and be done by roughly 10 pm, which is a long time to take to load a trailer. They were done at 5:26 am. And the only explanation we got was that they were running behind.)

On the plus side, we are earning some money. On the minus side, we are both tired and already ready for a break (because Ace didn't really get one when he was supposed to). And we have no idea where we are supposed to be heading after we drop off this trailer tonight, at least we don't yet.

Sometimes, trucking sucks.

Time Off

Ace is currently taking some time off from driving a truck. He worked for almost 2 months straight, with little time not spent driving, so it works that he's taking a little time off. Not that our lives have gone as planned with this time off.

Ace and I have a bank that at least supposedly does not send out new debit cards until right before the old ones expire. How true this statement is is unverified at this point. But the debit cards play into how our time off has occurred.

Ace and I had debit cards that expired at the end of January. We had a delivery near Dallas, TX on February 1st. We had a funeral we were trying to go to on February 2nd. We had plans to rent a car, get our mail sorted out, get our new debit cards in our wallets, and attend a funeral.

Instead, we had problems with not having the funds available (despite having the cash on hand and the money in our bank account) to rent a car. Because of one day expired debit cards. And policies on having to have a card physically at the rental location for the deposit on the car (a situation that is frustrating to us both). We are planning on sending our mail to the yard our truck is currently sitting in (waiting for repairs), but we can't take care of that until Monday because the one person that could do that doesn't work until Monday. Ace did not get to attend his grandmother's funeral (neither of us is upset about that, but we had planned on at least paying our respects by attending).

We discovered, a bit too late on Friday, that my credit card had had it's limit upped. We rented a hotel room yesterday at a hotel that is commonly used by Ace's company. We'll stay here until Tuesday morning. It's good for Ace to get some time off the truck in addition to not driving. Unfortunately, tomorrow he has to be at the yard all day taking care of various things. But at least he has today fully off.

This weekend has not quite gone how we planned. But it seems like that is a good thing, because we are both more relaxed than we would have been if it had gone to plan. We had a somewhat long day Friday, but we had figured out fairly early after the car rental plan hadn't worked out that we weren't going to be able to go anywhere, which made the day shorter than it was originally scheduled to be (originally, we were going to drive an additional 550+ miles that day, after the 200 to drop off the load).

So, here I sit in a hotel room in Dallas. Life is strange sometimes.

Things I've Learned

Things I’ve learned so far on the truck:

1. Kansas is boring. It is full of rolling hills that all look the same. There is no signal for my cell phone or our current mobile internet. And it stinks.

2. Colorado has more trees in the first 5 miles than all of Kansas. This may only be a slight exaggeration.

3. The Rocky Mountains are beautiful.

4. Sometimes, the company can change their mind about where you should go after you’ve already started to head one way. That sucks.

5. Colorado has windmill farms. They have red lights on them so planes won’t fly into them.

6. Nebraska is flatter than Kansas. And it has more trees. By a lot.

7. If you know of a city in one state, there is likely a city by that name in another state (or multiple states). For example, there is a Lexington in Mississippi, Nebraska, and New York as well as in Kentucky.

8. 34 hour resets can be somewhat boring, but they are necessary from time to time. It’s a good time to do laundry.

9. There is always something to buy at a truck stop. Most things are probably things you don’t really need. That doesn’t make them less tempting.

10. Chicken plants stink worse than cow patties. A lot worse.

11. Tyson does something with beef too. I have no clue what, but they do something with it.

12. Sometimes, the smaller truck stops are actually the better ones. You may not want to take a shower there, but the parking lots are better and there is plenty of options for drinks. Bigger does not mean better.

13. Trees make for fascinating scenery when you've had nothing but rolling hills to look at for hours.

14. I have an irrational dislike of Kansas now. And a list of things that could make Kansas cooler. I never knew I could dislike a whole state before.

15. The heaters on a truck work really well. Like wearing a t-shirt warm. I like it.

I've been on the truck less than a week. I'm sure more posts like this will be coming in the future.

Meet Me in St. Louis

I have the best father in the world. Seriously, no one else is even a contender for the title.

Yesterday, my dad drove me 5 and 1/2 hours to East St. Louis, IL to meet up with Ace and get on the truck. This is only part of the reason he is the best father in the world.

My dad has back problems. He is in constant pain, unless he is doped to the gills. He does not do long car trips if he can help it. When I got up yesterday, he offered to drive me because he knew Ace was delivering near St. Louis. He wanted to see me smiling again, which he got to see every time he looked at me in the rear view mirror yesterday. I'm still smiling.

My father, who should not be in a car for 11 hours, was in a car for 11 hours yesterday to let me be with my husband again. He sacrificed his day and his body to bring me happiness. I will never forget that. Never.

My step-mom also rocks. She came with us, so that if my dad was hurting too bad she could help drive home. She had work today, and she works with little kids (under 2 years old). And she's still recovering from surgery (she seems to be doing well).

Today, I am with Ace. We are on the truck. Tonight, we pick up a trailer full of candy to drive it to Colorado. I don't know if I would be with Ace today if my dad hadn't driven me up here (I did help pay for at least some of the gas for the trip, and it was the least I could do).

I got to see the St. Louis arch up close (we made a wrong turn, and ended up right by the arch). I got to share in a new experience with my dad and step-mom. And I got to join my husband.

I have the best father in the world. And no one can convince me otherwise.

Waiting Still

I'm still alive. Hopefully, I'll be joining Ace on the truck soon. As it is, I'm still waiting for him to get close enough.

And maybe someday, I'll start trying to figure out why I seem to ignore this blog for a week and a half sometimes.

Signs You've Grown Up

Today, I am posting signs that you've grown up (things that I've noticed that I'm doing around my dad that show that I've grown up).

1. Folding your laundry, especially your underwear, without blushing.
2. Playing Cards Against Humanity (admitting you know what some of those cards mean is... awkward with your dad playing with you)
3. Admitting you need to go buy supplies for your period.
4. Listening to Afternoon Delight on the radio without blushing or squirming (still working on that one).
5. Knowing when asking won't affect what happens, so you don't bother asking.

Okay, it's a short list. But still.

And Cards Against Humanity is fun, but it's not clean. Which is why it's awkward to admit knowing what the cards mean.

But I'm growing up, or I am grown up. Or I am at least not as immature/young as I used to be. Or something.

Make New Mistakes

This year, I've decided to take Neil Gaiman's advice from December 31, 2011 as my goal for the year.

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

So, that's my goal for this year. To make mistakes. Especially new mistakes. I've survived the consequences of my old mistakes. I've gotten wiser from them. My life is not necessarily gotten better for those mistakes, but I've gotten to be a better, more mature person for having to deal with them.

So, this year I think I'll make new mistakes. And I invite you to join me in this.

Distracted

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've been distracted with family. Mostly with a dalmatian who decided that I am to be his cuddle buddy. He does not like my laptop being on my lap, and it's harder to type with it on the arm of the couch.

Ace and I now have a radio for our truck (and one month of service). Hopefully I'll be joining him soon (as in the next week, hopefully). It was one of the only things we asked for, and we got it. Go us!

Things are different here, but not a bad different. There are stresses, like the fact that I'm sleeping in the living room, so there is no real privacy. But they aren't hitting me as hard as the stresses of life with Ace's parents.

And I've spent lots of time with my dad, which has been nice.

But Christmas without Ace was not something I want to experience again. I miss him lots, even with being distracted.

And hopefully soon I'll be done with this part of my waiting. Waiting kind of sucks right now.

Wait, the World Didn't End

Okay, the world didn't end and I'm not dead.

But I do still appreciate all those people/groups who rock/make things that rock.

And my dad is pretty high on that list right now.

The World Has Ended!

Just in case I was wrong, I'm writing a post about the end of the world. My biggest regrets: Not seeing The Hobbit and not getting to spend the last days of my life with my husband.

Okay, I would seriously hate both those things, but likely I just forgot that I put this on the schedule for today and I'm fine. Hopefully I'll remember to post after this to prove that I'm fine.

So, the world has ended. That sucks. Maybe it's not a full ending, but the Mayans have come back as zombies to take over and punish us for them all dying off. Maybe my imagination is sometimes morbid. I blame all the cop shows on TV and my love of watching them.

If Sherlock Holmes was real, I'd ask that he try to figure out how I died. I'm betting on either eaten by zombies (or would they avoid smart people?) or run over by some vehicle. If the Avengers were real, I'd ask them to avenge me (and if they can, the thousands of other people who have died as well).

And now, I'd like to thank the following people (or former people, depending on the nature of the end of the world) for making things rock and making things that rock: Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, Wil "Don't be a dick" Wheaton, Martin Freeman, Benedict Cumberbatch, Julie Garwood, John Green, Hank Green, the George Lucas who shot the original Star Wars trilogy, the cast and crew of Firefly, Joss Whedon, the cast and crew of the Avengers, the cast and crew of any show/movie/comic/whatever that Joss Whedon worked on, Mark Gatiss, Steven Moffat, the cast and crew of Doctor Who, the people of ThinkGeek, my fellow bloggers, Ace, my family, my friends, and God.

That list is not in order of my gratitude. And it does not fully express my fangirl crushes on Martin Freeman (Seriously, one of the best actors, with one of the filthiest mouths, around. I've crushed on him since I saw him in Love, Actually.), Neil Gaiman (His writing is enough to make me like him, but his encouragement of writers has me seriously crushing on him), or Benedict Cumberbatch (Have you heard his voice? Or seen him? Or seen him acting? Or heard his lisp? There was no hope for me not having a crush!). Or how much I like stuff that Joss Whedon is a part of (Buffy the Vampire Slayer [show and movie], Angel, Firefly, Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog, The Avengers, Serenity, and I'm sure Dollhouse, when I finally watch it).

I shall miss all this stuff. Unless I'm still alive and just forgot about this post. In which case, I hope everyone ignores all this random stuff I'm saying, and instead sends me chocolate. (Don't ignore the plea for chocolate.)

Boring for an Apocalypse

There has been a distinct lack of world ending today. I realize the day is not completely over yet (at least not in my time zone), but we are pretty close to the end of 12/21/12 and there does not seem to be any ending of the world happening. At least not as anything more than internet memes and jokes.

But who says the Mayans were counting down to the end of the world anyway? Their calendar just ended. I never assume that the world will end on December 31st, a date when most calenders end each year.

Today was mostly filled with the same boring things happening. I cuddled with my dad and step-mom's dog (He's going to miss me when I leave) off and on. I ate more than I should have of the homemade candy my step-mom made (it was my breakfast today). I spent most of the day reading Avengers fanfic (I still need to see the movie).

It is the most boring way to spend the supposed end of the world. Although, world ending seemed unlikely, so it was a perfectly normal way to spend a Friday.

I did have a fun discussion about wanting an army of magical elves to combat the zombie apocalypse (for reasons) that lead to a Shawn of the Dead reference. I have some cool friends who play into my crazy thought life. It was also that kind of day, really.

And now, I'm going to go read more fanfic in a bizarre effort to convince myself that I should be going to sleep soon. Because my brain is a weird place.

I Do Not Need the Drama

Every time I start to forget most of the stuff about my mom that hurts, she seems to pop back up doing something that hurts. Every time (or maybe it's just lately).

Right now, it's something stupid with her new boyfriend and his granddaughter and it's this big thing, but not for me (she's claiming that's her first grandchild). My brother and sister are upset. They both seem to feel like she's putting this new family before her own. They both seem to be hurting. (My sister is fighting with her, and my brother is not happy.)

And it hurts. Because like it or not, she made those two my responsibility and she's hurting them. She made me feel like the mom, and she's hurting my babies, in essence. And I'm not the only one annoyed/angry/frustrated/helpless in this. My dad feels the same way.

I can't rescue them. I can't fix the past or the present. I know this. And I hate it. And I'd love to say that I hate her for doing this, but really I'm just tired. I'm tired of her forcing everyone else to be the grown-up because she's not ready to be one. I'm tired of feeling like I could have done something differently that would have fixed this, when I know I couldn't have. I am tired of feeling responsible for helping pick the pieces back up (when I haven't done that in years). I'm tired of her dragging me back into her drama when we aren't even in contact.

I am trying, hard, to focus on just learning what not to do as a parent from her example. I am not trying, at all, to figure out her logic. I have better things to do with my time.

But the mama-bear in me is ready to go claw her eyes out.

We Are All a Bit Broken

After yesterday's tragedy, I have a few thoughts. I don't know everything that happened. Even if I followed the news about it and read everything I could, I doubt I'd know what happened.

I have a theory that we, as humans, are all at least a tiny bit broken. Not intentionally. We all start out as perfect, innocent babies, but we are being raised by someone who is broken, and that is going to create some kind of a break in us.

For example, my mother was not ready to grow up and be an adult when she had me. She was broken in that she had been treated like the baby of the family her whole life (she was the youngest of all her siblings). And suddenly, she was supposed to be an adult and raise a child (or three... eventually). So, she did what she could until my father asked for a divorce. And then she just kind of decided that her 13/14 year-old daughter (me) was ready to grow up and be an adult and be responsible for her other two children.

And that decision, among others, caused me to break. In some really odd ways. I feel responsible, still, for making sure my sister and brother are happy. They are both adults (in their early 20s, both of them) and they should be responsible for themselves. And it's not just them. I feel like I should be taking care of everyone. Except when I feel like someone should take care of me for once. I walk a weird line between selfishness and selflessness. Because that's what I learned I had to do around my mother. Give until I had little left, and then jealously guard what little was mine alone so I could keep it. (It does not help that my mother is a liar at times when she thinks she can guilt someone into giving her something she wants/needs. It just creates more towing of that line.)

I don't know why someone would shoot a bunch of innocent kids. I don't know how the parents are starting to deal with this new fracture in their lives. I hope I never know.

But I do know that being so fundamentally broken seems to cause very different reactions in people. I get overly fussy and want to take care of people (except when I want to be taken care of). Some people get stuck in a place where they don't want to grow up and be an adult and find other people to deal with most things. And apparently others can't find a healthy way to relate to their families and cause destruction.

I have a theory that we are all at least a little bit broken. But we should be thankful that we aren't broken in ways that hurt others. And maybe we should look for people who are a bit broken that way and see if we can help some. I know that we can't fix the world, and we may not be able to fix them, but maybe we can stop such tragedies in their planning stages. Maybe.

Great Talk

Last night, my sister and I had a really great talk. We talked about lots of things and we shared things and it was like we have the kind of relationship that I've always wanted us to have.

The conversation, despite being 2 hours long, was not quite long enough. Because there was all sorts of nothings that we hadn't talked about yet. And hopefully, soon, we'll have another talk like that.

My sister is happy, which makes me happy. Things are going well for her. Her fiance seems to be a genuinely great guy. They talk about things, including stupid things that aren't important other than they are what cements a relationship together.

I know that one conversation is not going to make my relationship with my sister perfect. But we shared things that were personal. We found common ground. We understand each other. And that is huge.

She understands some of my decisions better, now that she's older and she has had some of the same experiences that I've had. It hurts to know that she has been hurt, because she's my sister and I love her. But she's strong and smart and beautiful, and some of that comes from growing after being hurt.

Last night, my sister and I had a great talk. And I'm glad it could happen.

Hello from NW Arkansas

So, I am now living with my dad and step-mom. Unfortunately, there have been issues. Not so much with anyone living here. With Ace's truck. He was supposed to be back in it yesterday. Instead, it's in the shop. While Ace is enjoying having time off, we do need him making money again soon.

However, I refuse to let him drive when it isn't safe, and it currently wouldn't be safe to drive his truck. The back light on his gauges works as long as his headlights aren't on. Which is a problem for driving at night. The truck still hasn't been even checked out.

So, we are waiting. And dealing with living in a full house.

On the other hand, I've finally seen The Dark Knight Rises. And I've got nothing to say about the ending, but that I giggled through it. (And how did I forget that Ra's had a daughter? I knew that!)

So, yeah. Life is weird right now.

Talking About My Obsessions...

I am slowly dreaming about each of the Avengers.

It started with a semi-weird dream about me dating Hawkeye. We were at some kind of family get together, and I just knew (the way you do in dreams) that he was my boyfriend. It was nice. Ace didn't care.

Then, I had a dream where I was making plans to spend the afternoon flirting and texting with Bruce Banner. He had a sweet, shy smile on his face. It was adorable.

Last night, I went on an adventure with Captain America. We were trying to rescue somebody (Bucky Barnes, maybe). It was the least romantic of my dreams about the Avengers.

I'm seriously not sure what is going to happen next. But I'm sure I'll dream about Thor, Iron Man, and the Black Widow at some point. I'm a bit obsessed with them when I'm awake, so it's just a matter of time before they invade my dreams.

Do I need help?

I Am Slightly Obessed with Introversion Right Now

Okay, because my brain is obsessed with the introvert thing, and because I am currently waiting (somewhat impatiently) for Ace to drive here from NW Arkansas for us to start the whole moving our stuff around and getting me settled in with my dad for roughly the next month, I am going to talk about how cool my parents actually were when raising me. It's one of the few things I can say that was absolutely positive about my mom. Relish that, because I do.

My parents did not actually push me to be more outgoing (other than to push past that crippling shyness thing). They let me stay home and play with Barbies or read or play with Legos or whatever other thing I was interested in doing. I'm sure there was probably some part of them wondering if I should have more friends, but they let me be me.

I was never asked to be something besides myself when it came to daily interaction with the world. I was left to be my introverted self. And that was great. There was no one trying to get me to change. No one trying to tell me that my personal preference to be at home most of the time was wrong or unusual or not healthy. I was allowed to be myself and flourish in my own unique style.

I'd like to think it's because my parents are a bit more introverted. My mom seems to be. My dad seems more like an ambivert (in the middle between introverted and extroverted). It seems to have helped them be accepting of my own personal desire to have lots of time alone.

Oddly, time with Ace has never felt draining. Which is great, because I like spending time with him. This is actually great for both of us, as we are both introverts and both feel the same about our time together not being draining. Which will be really nice on a truck, as we won't really be able to get away from each other.

So, yeah. Nicely, I have not had some of the problems that other introverts have. Because my parents didn't try to force change on me. And for that, I am truly grateful. It's nice to be able to say something positive about my mom.

Introvert and Shy

I'm sure, if I searched my archives, I'd find where I've talked about this before. But I'm somewhat lazy and I don't want to search to see what I've said about it in the past.

Here's a not so deep or dark confession: I am an introvert. Shocking, I know. I have a blog, where I post anonymously, and over-share sometimes. Who would have pegged a person to do that as an introvert? (Okay, everybody probably would.)

In addition to being an introvert, I am sometimes shy. There is a difference. I know when it's shyness who suddenly rears it's head. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and like people are going to judge me harshly for doing basically anything other than leaving. Shyness sucks. It makes being around people painful for no adequate reason.

Being an introvert means that I prefer to stay home. It means I prefer to be quiet. It means that I have more energy when I'm not around people. It means that I prefer groups of two or three. I feel like you can have a party with 4 people. It means that I can go to larger gatherings, and I'll feel tired after about 2 hours and be ready to go home. Even if I'm having a good time.

Being an introvert can mean having a lack of social skills, but not always. I can usually handle myself fairly well in social situations. Not perfectly, because I can be awkward even without my shyness kicking in. But, in general, I am fairly decent at making small talk (I don't love it, but I can do it).

I'm not sure if it's shyness or introversion that has me posting anonymously. It's probably some part of each one.

I know that no one is a pure introvert or extrovert. I am strongly, solidly, in the introvert column. I almost always hate being in the spot light. Almost always. There are exceptions, but they are rare. Most of them include only being around family.

There is plenty of information out there about introverts. I urge everyone to look and find out more about us. If you are an introvert, it'll help you understand yourself. If you are an extrovert, it'll help you understand the introverts in your life (and yes, you do have some in your life, somewhere).

I'm sure I'll be back with more info about introverts. It's a subject that interests me. Things like: Introverts prefer to write to communicate. That right there explains so much about my life. So much.

Success!

I did post 30 bits of fiction in 30 days. I only wish I had gotten some feedback from someone other than myself. Because I'm not 100% sure that my liking something I wrote indicates it's good or if it indicates that I just like that particular thing.

So, if anyone wants to give me any feedback, I'll be happy to read it.

And now I'll go back to writing about what's going on with my life. Although, occasionally I may post some fiction in the future. If I find myself wanting to.

And now I need to go eat some lunch. Because I've skipped enough meals this year.

Depression sucks (especially when it causes me to skip meals, for weeks/months). I'm glad I'm moving past how badly is sucked me in this year. I don't really want to talk about it right now. I may not ever.

And I'm looking forward to moving soon.

Christmas Songs

"Why are there some songs that are sung as Christmas songs every year when they have nothing to do with Christmas? I can think of one that barely has to do with winter!" Susan said.

"What are you talking about?" Arthur asked.

"My Favorite Things is a song that barely references winter, but it is played every year like it's a Christmas song. Baby, It's Cold Outside is obviously about winter, but it's not about Christmas specifically. Winter Wonderland is another song about winter, but not about Christmas. And yet, the only times we hear these songs is at Christmas. Why?" Susan asked.

"Because we don't usually have winter songs?" Arthur said questioningly. "I don't know. What brought this up?"

"I was just thinking about Christmas songs, since Christmas is coming up. And I realized that I like these songs, but they aren't specifically Christmas songs. I gave Frosty the Snowman a pass because his show includes a bit about him being made of Christmas snow, but his song doesn't mention anything Christmas-y either," Susan said.

"You think way too much," Arthur said.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Susan's question is bugging me. Why do we have Christmas songs that aren't really Christmas songs?

I definitely think too much sometimes.

I'd like to thank Ace for giving me character names today. He is currently interested in The Tick apparently. (When I first asked for a guy's name, he said The Tick, so I'm not basing it just off of the names Arthur and Susan.) I love my sweet, silly husband.

You Need to Eat

"You need to eat. It's been 13 hours since you last ate, so you need to eat."

"I ate two hours ago."

"You had an apple slice. That doesn't count as eating. You barely noticed you put food in your mouth. You've been living on coffee and sugar too much lately. You need to eat a meal and then you need to go to bed."

"But I'm almost done with this."

"One, you will do whatever you are doing better with food and rest. Two, I know you will find something else to work on when you've almost finished that if I let you just continue on. And three, you look like you are about to collapse into a pile on the floor while you are just sitting there."

"Seriously, 5 more minutes and I'll be done."

"You say 5 minutes, but we both know if I go I'll find you here in 5 hours still working."

"But-"

"I am not above dragging you out of here."

"But-"

"I'm glad your chair has wheels. Here we go, off to find food and a bed."

"But-"

"You asked me to help you stay healthy. This is for your own good."

"Fine. But I don't have to like it."

"I never said you did."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd like to thank writeworld.tumblr.com for the prompt "You need to eat." I have found that I seem to like characters (that other people have written) that are sarcastic and need someone to make sure they actually eat and sleep from time to time. I'm not quite sure why, other than I'm a bit sarcastic (less so than I used to be) and occasionally need someone to make sure I eat and sleep.

Oh my word, I'm Sherlock Homes and Tony Stark without the contributions to society.

No one tell Ace he deserves someone better (given that he usually is the one to feed me and tell me to go to sleep). I know he does, but if we don't tell him maybe he'll let me keep him. I'm kind of selfish that way.

Poetry

The words pour out of the pen and onto the paper almost effortlessly. It's like they had been waiting to be written. And the poem is half finished before the author fully realized why they were writing it.

Later, when the words couldn't be forced out, the author wondered why it had been so easy earlier. Was it the circumstances? Was it boredom? Was it random inspiration? Why had those words been so clear then and now they hid away? And the most important question of all: would it happen again?

Of course, it happened again. With the same questions popping up afterwards. And again. And again. With no fully discernible pattern. But that didn't stop the author from loving the times the words came and the emptying of feelings being poured out with the words. It was healing.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not a huge fan of poetry in general (somehow, it's just not my favorite thing to read), but sometimes I seem to have some poem that flows out of me. And each line comes right after the last, with only a minor effort occasionally to fix something that doesn't seem to be working. And when I finish writing it, I feel better.

I guess most of my writing is somewhat cathartic. At least the writing that seems to flow the easiest. And that's probably the best thing for me.

Different Mistakes

She had hope that she wouldn't make the same mistakes her mother had made when raising her own children. She had no illusions that she wouldn't make mistakes. She had wanted to laugh when her own beloved husband had proclaimed how they would raise their children when they were in public, because she knew that things were not always that simple.

But she wanted to make different choices than her own mother made. She didn't want her children to ever feel like they weren't good enough, if she could help it. She didn't want them to feel like they were broken. Because she knew how much that could haunt a person.

But she wondered if her best intentions would overcome how she was raised.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is there a way to not mess up with your kids? Somehow, I doubt there is. Guess that is part of being human.

Leaving

He closed the door to the house behind him. He had sold, given away, or packed everything that had made up his life there. It was time to move on to somewhere he felt the changes he wanted to make would be accepted.

He knew that the people here loved him and he loved them, but he also knew they wouldn't be able to understand how he wanted to live his life. He would come back to visit, but it was time to follow his dreams.

He glanced back at the house in his rear view mirror as he pulled away. He was sad to leave, but he knew he would be happier in the long run.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's story was inspired by the song "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. I don't have words to explain how much that song has struck home with me at various times. And given that I'm about to move and then I'll be joining Ace in the truck, it's less surprising that I'd be writing about moving so much this month.

The Cake Is a Pie

"The cake is a pie," Shelly said. "I know it's called cheesecake, but it's obviously a pie. It has a crust. Cakes do not have crusts."

"The word cake is in the name. It's a cake," Jack argued. "If they called it cheesecake, it must be a cake of cheese. You don't name something cheesecake and make a sour cream pie."

"You are both wrong," Hank said as he stood in the doorway observing the pair. "It's really more of a custard. Alton Brown proved it. The pie is a lie."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was inspired by the line in Portal "The cake is a lie." My brain decided that the line suddenly needed to be the cake is a pie. Maybe I just need to lay off desserts for a while?

Soon

Dear Mark,
Do you know how much I love you? How can you when I've never been able to tell you? It almost hurts sometimes, because I'm just bursting with love for you. I can't contain it all. And it brings a smile to my face.

I miss you terribly when we are apart. I don't feel whole. I feel like I'm missing half of myself. And being apart hurts. You can't just split yourself in half without feeling pain. But what you are doing is important. I could never ask you to do something different just because I don't like being apart right now. Especially when I know it's for such a short time in the bigger picture of life. But I do miss you. Terribly.

There are times I almost forget that you aren't here. I want to show you something on my computer or tell you some stupid story that, if you were here, you would have been there for. I want to share these things, and then remember that I can't. Not right now. And I remind myself that soon we will be creating new stories together. Soon.

I'm beginning to dislike the word soon. But I know that I won't be saying it much longer.

I love you, my dear sweetheart. I love you so much. Words cannot express it. I love you with every beat of my heart and every breath that I take.

See you soon,
Sally

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I miss Ace. But I'll get to see him again soon.

A Cheerful Heart

He tried to be cheerful. He tried hard to continually be cheerful, because he knew that it would help him stay healthier. He tried to not be bitter or hateful. He tried to let go of his anger and focus on the good things in his life.

But there were times when that seemed impossible. Times when he would cry and hurt. Times when he felt like his heart was breaking. Times when he was just so tired. He was ready for a vacation during times like that.

Sometimes, he wondered if people could see through his cheerfulness, when it was a facade. He wondered if they could see how tired he was, how much he hurt. He wondered if anyone bothered to look past the surface. He tried to not dwell on all the things he had lost, instead he tried to focus on all the things he had.

Sometimes, he felt lost inside his own skin and inside his own head. And he just wanted to find someone who understood.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I think I've just about written myself back into depression. That was so not my intention. I was trying to do something upbeat and positive, based on Proverbs 17:22 ("A cheerful heart is a good medicine; but a broken spirit drieth up the bones." - American Standard Version). So, yeah.

Happy Thanksgiving

In addition to my NaBloPoMo post, I wanted to post to say Happy Thanksgiving.

I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. If you are traveling this weekend, I hope you stay safe and watch out for animals. One person I care having a near run in with a deer is enough for me. And I do care.

I hope that you get to celebrate with people you love. I wish I was getting to celebrate with my loved ones. Unfortunately, I am celebrating with Ace's family (on Saturday). This provides a conundrum as I am not feeling particularly thankful for that celebration. How does one celebrate being thankful when one is not feeling thankful?

This is the first year I've had to celebrate with Ace's family without Ace being here. In fact, this is the first celebration I've had without Ace since we've been married. I miss him greatly, and I am looking forward to joining him soon. Hopefully I will get to relax while spending the rest of the holiday season with my dad and step-mom.

Anyway, I hope you have a safe and happy holiday if you are celebrating Thanksgiving. And if you aren't, I hope you have a safe and happy day. I hope that for everyday for everyone.

Loki's Problems

"Loki always wanted to be Thor's equal, or at least that's what he said," John said. "Why doesn't he notice that Thor always thought of him as an equal?"

"Because sometimes it's hard to see what is right in front of your face," Mary said. "And just because someone sees you as their equal doesn't mean everyone else does."

"Did he even notice how much Thor loves him? How much fighting Loki seems to hurt Thor?" Sally asked.

"People don't always see what is right in front of their eyes. Sometimes they are too close to a situation," Mary said. "Sometimes someone needs to tell them in order for them to see it."

"I wish Loki had someone to tell him these things. Maybe then he'd hurt less," John said.

"Me too," Mary said.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, I have a been wondering about Loki not seeing what is kind of clear in Thor (the stuff about how much Thor loves him and sees him as an equal), so this is me trying to answer my own questions. And I think a lot of the movie (and from what I can tell, a lot of The Avengers) would have been changed if Odin had been more honest and a better parent. I take my superhero movies way too seriously sometimes.

Nightmare

The nightmare slowly scared her awake. She'd have liked it if she had woken earlier, before the dream had gotten scary, while it had just been weird. But she had apparently been too tired for that to happen. As it was, when she did wake up she was still so tired that she wanted to just go back to sleep.

Even as she was falling back to sleep, part of her mind protested. She had just had a bad dream. How did she know she wouldn't fall back into it. But exhaustion was tugging hard.

She turned the TV on for background noise and allowed herself to be pulled back into sleep. Hopefully that would be enough to keep the nightmares at bay. And she slept, deeply and peacefully.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Nightmares suck. And that's really all I have to say about that.

Ballet

As she watched the ballet dancers performing, she pulled out her paper and pencil so she could sketch. She wanted to capture the curved lines of the dancers' bodies. She wanted to show the gracefulness and beauty. She looked back and forth between the dancers and the pictures forming on her paper. She figured she would make a larger, more coherent picture after she was back home.

And while she did eventually make that picture, she liked her quick little sketches because of the fluidity. And she was glad she hadn't stifled her urge to draw.

------------------------------------------------------------------

The idea of someone wanting to draw a ballet dancer wouldn't leave my head. So, here's a quick story about it.

Good Enough

"The hardest part is figuring out how to let go of the parts that tell you that you aren't good enough. Because everyone always feels like they aren't good enough. That feeling, the one that holds you back, that is how all the people around you feel too. Cut that feeling out and stop letting it hold you back."

Noah rolled his eyes at the self-help non-sense that was playing throughout the shop. It's not that he thought the advice was completely wrong, but he doubted that everyone always feels like that. In fact, he knew there were times he had felt good enough.

"The hardest part is to ignore the part that says I'm not good enough and act," Noah said to himself. "I bet Captain America never feels like he's not good enough."

"I'll bet Cap felt like he let people down and that he wasn't good enough plenty of times," said a stranger with blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile. "He lost men, good men, and that means he felt like he messed up too. But he got up and focused on what he could do to keep from losing more men. Because that's what you do, when you feel like you aren't good enough. You do the best you can."

"Steve, are you coming?" a dark haired man asked.

"I'll be there in a minute," Steve said. "Tell Tony that his project can wait an extra five minutes, Bruce."

Bruce rolled his eyes but turned and left to go relay the message.

Steve turned back to Noah and asked, "Does that help you any?"

Noah replied, "Yeah, thanks. Hey, how did you know all that about Captain America?"

Steve just smiled and shook his head. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you, kid."

---------------------------------------------------------------

I've been spending a bit too much time reading Avengers fan fiction, I think.

I don't know that we all feel like we aren't good enough all the time, but I know we all feel that at least part of the time. And we need to do better teaching our kids that even if they make mistakes, they are still good enough.

Packing Up

As he packed up the various bits and sundry that made up his life, he wondered what the future held in store. He had plenty of time to pack before he was leaving, but he didn't want to leave things to the last minute. And it gave him time to figure out what to do with one or two things that he wasn't sure about yet.

As his space became emptier, except for the boxes, he wondered how he had accumulated so much stuff in such a short time frame. At least he knew that he could take all the important stuff with him. The books were paramount. The paperwork that filled his desk was important. The other bits and pieces made life more enjoyable, but weren't necessary.

When it was all packed up, he let out a sigh. That was one thing done. And now to move it into storage until he was settled again.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been packing up stuff lately. Does it show? I've got pretty much everything packed, except what I need for the next couple of weeks until it goes into storage. Moving day will likely include a couple of last minute additions to the packed stuff (things I need now, but won't then).

The Couple

From the outside, it didn't look like they had much to keep the marriage together. They were struggling financially and their personalities seemed either too opposite or similar depending on the day. Neither liked the other's family. Everything seemed stacked against them.

But what people didn't realize is that those things that looked like they would rip the relationship apart just brought them closer together. They worked together on a budget to pay all their bills. They talked about the things that they disagreed on until they found points of compromise. They enjoyed the things they had in common. They didn't spend a lot of time with extended family. They stacked their deck to make themselves the winners.

They struggled. All people have some struggles, and all marriages have problems. They disagreed and made mistakes. They talked and talked and talked until it was natural to just talk about everything. They forgave each other. They fixed what they could and made adjustments for what they couldn't.

And when they'd survived things that would have broken other marriages, they knew it was because they had so much respect for their relationship and each other. And they smiled at each other as other people wondered how it was done.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a bit less fictional that a lot of my stuff has been this month. I think I'm okay with that though.

The Kiss

He had barely done more than just press his lips against hers. There was nothing about that kiss that suggested that it would be special or important. And yet, 5 minutes after it happened, she could swear she could still feel his lips.

She pressed her fingers to her lips and smiled. She could hardly wait for the next kiss to see if it would feel the same.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I think I've spent a bit too long without my husband around.