I'm still alive over here. I enjoyed my Christmas with my dad, step-mom, and siblings. And since then I've been fighting off a cold or a sinus infection or something similar. I've been trying to stay warm and not moving much. I probably should have been napping more.
Now if only it didn't feel like I was breathing in something painful and the sneezing so often would stop, I could enjoy my new year. Today is the first day this week that I've woken up and not felt totally exhausted (it only took 11 hours of sleep to accomplish that). And I'm still feeling a little tired, but not nearly as much.
I also needed lots of blankets this morning (I was cold). I have my nice, heavy blanket that I bought in Mexico (great for warmth), and two lighter, thinner fleece blankets (one wrapped around my arms, the other laying on top of the one from Mexico). After that, I finally felt warm. In addition to that, I had put on my nice, fuzzy (warm) pajama pants (Ace and I bought them Tuesday, and I've mostly worn them since). My body was obviously needing some heat (I don't know if I was running a fever or just cold, but I started feeling comfy after that).
And now I'm going to try to finish most of what I do online daily so that I can try to convince myself to take a nap this afternoon. A body that is fighting something off needs lots of rest.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas
It hit me, as I sit here trying to mentally unwind from the day, that I should probably post again. I'm doing better. I'm not focusing on the current financial stuff that had me so upset a few days ago. I don't like not having Christmas gifts for people, and between that and the hormones I was not in a good place mentally. I was obviously having a bad day.
Today, while long and full of people for longer than I wanted it to be, was much better. My in-laws surprised me in good ways today. And if I hadn't been fighting off something, I would probably have enjoyed the day a lot more (I spent most of it wanting to lay down and not move much).
Tomorrow I get to see my dad and step-mom (and my siblings, I believe). I get to enjoy some yummy smoked turkey and ham. I get to spend time with people I don't get to see nearly often enough.
I'm trying to focus on the good things that are coming in this next year. Things like having my own cell phone again (that will be my late Christmas gift from Ace). And my date weekend away from the craziness that is life in my in-law's house (really late birthday celebration). Giving the Christmas gifts we wanted to be giving out today and tomorrow.
Today, while long and full of people for longer than I wanted it to be, was much better. My in-laws surprised me in good ways today. And if I hadn't been fighting off something, I would probably have enjoyed the day a lot more (I spent most of it wanting to lay down and not move much).
Tomorrow I get to see my dad and step-mom (and my siblings, I believe). I get to enjoy some yummy smoked turkey and ham. I get to spend time with people I don't get to see nearly often enough.
I'm trying to focus on the good things that are coming in this next year. Things like having my own cell phone again (that will be my late Christmas gift from Ace). And my date weekend away from the craziness that is life in my in-law's house (really late birthday celebration). Giving the Christmas gifts we wanted to be giving out today and tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Bottle-necked
The past few years have been hard and frustrating for me. And not just me, but Ace too. We've had way more setbacks in these past few years than seemed possible. But we kept going on, trying to do the right things and trying to find the right paths.
Unfortunately, at least for me, when all that happened, I started pushing most of my emotions about everything that was going on to the side. They weren't helping any of the various situations. And they weren't emotions that I wanted to deal with. So they got pushed aside and bottled up.
This past year has been probably the most difficult. Things just seem to keep piling on and a big part of me keeps wanting to give up. The depression that lurks around me has been harder to fight, because things just feel hopeless sometimes. People keep seeming to try to teach Ace and I that we shouldn't trust others, at least not fully. It's been exhausting and bad days have outnumbered the good the past few months.
I think I've reached an end to bottling up those emotions, at least for now. I don't have the energy to push them all away. I don't know that I have the energy to deal with them either, but they aren't going to just disappear. And I know that it will be healthier for me in the long run to just deal with them.
But for now, I'm somewhere between hurting and numb. I keep fluctuating back and forth between the two. I feel like I'm on a narrow edge and I'm just so close to falling either way. I have to be careful, but I can't ignore all the feelings that I've been not dealing with. They have come to the forefront and demanded attention.
I'm trying to be careful, because I feel depression breathing on my neck and I can't afford to let it draw me in. There are still things to do. Just because these emotions are overwhelming me right now is no reason to stop living life. But it would be so easy to just wallow for the next month.
I need help and I really don't know where to get it right now. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of being tired. Can't more things start going right for me?
Unfortunately, at least for me, when all that happened, I started pushing most of my emotions about everything that was going on to the side. They weren't helping any of the various situations. And they weren't emotions that I wanted to deal with. So they got pushed aside and bottled up.
This past year has been probably the most difficult. Things just seem to keep piling on and a big part of me keeps wanting to give up. The depression that lurks around me has been harder to fight, because things just feel hopeless sometimes. People keep seeming to try to teach Ace and I that we shouldn't trust others, at least not fully. It's been exhausting and bad days have outnumbered the good the past few months.
I think I've reached an end to bottling up those emotions, at least for now. I don't have the energy to push them all away. I don't know that I have the energy to deal with them either, but they aren't going to just disappear. And I know that it will be healthier for me in the long run to just deal with them.
But for now, I'm somewhere between hurting and numb. I keep fluctuating back and forth between the two. I feel like I'm on a narrow edge and I'm just so close to falling either way. I have to be careful, but I can't ignore all the feelings that I've been not dealing with. They have come to the forefront and demanded attention.
I'm trying to be careful, because I feel depression breathing on my neck and I can't afford to let it draw me in. There are still things to do. Just because these emotions are overwhelming me right now is no reason to stop living life. But it would be so easy to just wallow for the next month.
I need help and I really don't know where to get it right now. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of being tired. Can't more things start going right for me?
Monday, December 19, 2011
21
Today, my sister turned 21. She's fully a legal adult. If she wants, she can legally drink, smoke, vote, join the military, get married, drive, and own property (okay, most of that she could do by age 18, but still).
I remember when she was born (okay, not literally, because I was in school and I don't remember much of anything about that school day other than wanting to be at the hospital). I remember us bringing her home from the hospital. It was cold so there were several layers of blankets over her car seat. We went out to eat that night. She was 3 days old. 2 or 3 days later, on Christmas, our mother put her under the tree with a bow stuck to her head like she was a present.
I remember singing Disney songs with her and her insisting that I sing the boy parts (because she wasn't going to). I'm pretty sure I usually sang both parts, much to her frustration. I don't remember most of our games, but I know that we did play together.
We shared a room for 6 years. Her things were almost always thrown everywhere. My stuff was usually a little messy but easily cleaned up. We were almost like complete opposites personality wise. She was a morning person and I have always seemed to prefer night to morning. Our age difference didn't help us grow close, despite being in such close proximity. We started doing better when we stopped sharing a room.
I missed seeing her for most of her teen years. Moving to Tulsa and then stopping contact with my mom made my relationship with her strained. I felt like I was abandoning her for my own sanity and she apparently felt like I was just another person in a long string who left. I still hurt because of that. But we've talked this stuff over. I'm pretty sure we've worked most of it out. I hope she knows that I am open to hearing from her and talking to her at any time. I hope she knows how much I love her.
I feel like I left her while she was still forming her personality. I don't really fully know who my sister is any more. She's still the wonderful, sweet, caring person that I saw when she was 2, but she's also this strange and mysterious adult who I've not gotten much of a chance to get to know. She's had experiences that I wasn't there for or there to talk to about. I haven't gotten to be the protective big sister that I still am. I feel like she and I are worlds apart still.
My little sister, okay she's taller but she's still my little sister, is an adult. And I'm hoping that someday I'll get a chance to get to know her better.
I remember when she was born (okay, not literally, because I was in school and I don't remember much of anything about that school day other than wanting to be at the hospital). I remember us bringing her home from the hospital. It was cold so there were several layers of blankets over her car seat. We went out to eat that night. She was 3 days old. 2 or 3 days later, on Christmas, our mother put her under the tree with a bow stuck to her head like she was a present.
I remember singing Disney songs with her and her insisting that I sing the boy parts (because she wasn't going to). I'm pretty sure I usually sang both parts, much to her frustration. I don't remember most of our games, but I know that we did play together.
We shared a room for 6 years. Her things were almost always thrown everywhere. My stuff was usually a little messy but easily cleaned up. We were almost like complete opposites personality wise. She was a morning person and I have always seemed to prefer night to morning. Our age difference didn't help us grow close, despite being in such close proximity. We started doing better when we stopped sharing a room.
I missed seeing her for most of her teen years. Moving to Tulsa and then stopping contact with my mom made my relationship with her strained. I felt like I was abandoning her for my own sanity and she apparently felt like I was just another person in a long string who left. I still hurt because of that. But we've talked this stuff over. I'm pretty sure we've worked most of it out. I hope she knows that I am open to hearing from her and talking to her at any time. I hope she knows how much I love her.
I feel like I left her while she was still forming her personality. I don't really fully know who my sister is any more. She's still the wonderful, sweet, caring person that I saw when she was 2, but she's also this strange and mysterious adult who I've not gotten much of a chance to get to know. She's had experiences that I wasn't there for or there to talk to about. I haven't gotten to be the protective big sister that I still am. I feel like she and I are worlds apart still.
My little sister, okay she's taller but she's still my little sister, is an adult. And I'm hoping that someday I'll get a chance to get to know her better.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
It Doesn't Seem to End
I've been a little distracted lately. I've been doing a lot of reading on adoption. And two of the three days I took off from doing that, I spent not moving much because my back was hurting (the third day, Ace and I were running errands all afternoon, which is when I read).
I'm happy to be learning a lot of what I need to know, but I'm slightly frustrated that the more I research the more I find I need to research to feel like I can understand everything I want to understand. There is no real end in sight and that pleases me and frustrates me at the same time.
Once I start finding info on special needs kids (any kid roughly school aged who can be adopted is considered special needs), I start finding out I need to do more research on what problems I can expect special needs kids to exhibit. I need to understand what issues they would have based on being in the system, plus whatever problems created by their birth family situation, plus whatever issues might pop up from being pulled from one or more sets of parents.
It's difficult to read about this stuff. It's somewhat discouraging for me. I want to adopt an older child at some point. It's not like I had any questions that my future adopted child would have issues from their past, but I don't think I had fully thought about how difficult it might be to raise them before now. It's not that I don't think I can handle it or be a parent to an older child, but it's frustrating to see things written to be honest that feel discouraging.
I am getting the impression that there will never fully be an end to what I could research. There is no point where I've learned everything I can, there's just a point where I decide I've done enough research, that I know enough, and I put researching adoption back on the shelf in my mind until Ace and I are ready to move forward with adopting a child. And then I will do more research and more pointed research.
Every book I look at mentions websites and other books. Every website will probably point me to other websites and books. It doesn't seem like there is an end of resources. But I'm not devoting the rest of my life to researching things for this book. I'm feeling fairly confident in my understanding of the process of adoption, now I'll research the potential emotional implications. Then I'll try to move onto another topic to research (I still have a few other things to research after adoption, adoption was just the biggest one).
I'm happy to be learning a lot of what I need to know, but I'm slightly frustrated that the more I research the more I find I need to research to feel like I can understand everything I want to understand. There is no real end in sight and that pleases me and frustrates me at the same time.
Once I start finding info on special needs kids (any kid roughly school aged who can be adopted is considered special needs), I start finding out I need to do more research on what problems I can expect special needs kids to exhibit. I need to understand what issues they would have based on being in the system, plus whatever problems created by their birth family situation, plus whatever issues might pop up from being pulled from one or more sets of parents.
It's difficult to read about this stuff. It's somewhat discouraging for me. I want to adopt an older child at some point. It's not like I had any questions that my future adopted child would have issues from their past, but I don't think I had fully thought about how difficult it might be to raise them before now. It's not that I don't think I can handle it or be a parent to an older child, but it's frustrating to see things written to be honest that feel discouraging.
I am getting the impression that there will never fully be an end to what I could research. There is no point where I've learned everything I can, there's just a point where I decide I've done enough research, that I know enough, and I put researching adoption back on the shelf in my mind until Ace and I are ready to move forward with adopting a child. And then I will do more research and more pointed research.
Every book I look at mentions websites and other books. Every website will probably point me to other websites and books. It doesn't seem like there is an end of resources. But I'm not devoting the rest of my life to researching things for this book. I'm feeling fairly confident in my understanding of the process of adoption, now I'll research the potential emotional implications. Then I'll try to move onto another topic to research (I still have a few other things to research after adoption, adoption was just the biggest one).
Friday, December 9, 2011
Why So Quiet?
I love doing NaBloPoMo. It's a great challenge, and even when I know I've posted everyday, part of me freaks out and checks obsessively to make sure I haven't missed a day. It's something that seems like an important part of my life in November. Then December rolls around and I go back to posting randomly. I start letting days slip by without posting, because nothing exciting seems to happen, or because I'm just so busy with life that I don't have the energy to post. Or I just want a break after posting every day for 30 days.
This year, those 30 posts seemed harder to do. I posted 3 different spam mails! I don't think I've ever done that before. It wasn't that there was absolutely nothing to talk about, it's just that I really don't want to write my complaints in every post. And my stress levels were through the roof. I'm feeling much less stressed now. Things have calmed down at lot.
I stopped raiding in World of Warcraft. It was one thing too many right now. Ace and I were both having problems adjusting ourselves to his work schedule, trying to spend time with Taz some, finding time alone, and raiding. Something had to go. Ace needed more sleep at night and I needed to not be stressing the muscles in my back and shoulder so much. I'm still hoping that I can see Karen soon to get a massage, so that my back will stop feeling like a big knot.
Part of trying to drop my stress levels has been me not posting. I've been focusing on other things, like sleeping and reading. I've been trying to focus on the positives in my life. I've been talking with Ace about good things in our future. Things seem to be getting better, at least a bit. Now you know why things have been so quiet around here lately.
This year, those 30 posts seemed harder to do. I posted 3 different spam mails! I don't think I've ever done that before. It wasn't that there was absolutely nothing to talk about, it's just that I really don't want to write my complaints in every post. And my stress levels were through the roof. I'm feeling much less stressed now. Things have calmed down at lot.
I stopped raiding in World of Warcraft. It was one thing too many right now. Ace and I were both having problems adjusting ourselves to his work schedule, trying to spend time with Taz some, finding time alone, and raiding. Something had to go. Ace needed more sleep at night and I needed to not be stressing the muscles in my back and shoulder so much. I'm still hoping that I can see Karen soon to get a massage, so that my back will stop feeling like a big knot.
Part of trying to drop my stress levels has been me not posting. I've been focusing on other things, like sleeping and reading. I've been trying to focus on the positives in my life. I've been talking with Ace about good things in our future. Things seem to be getting better, at least a bit. Now you know why things have been so quiet around here lately.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Distractions Abound
One of the worst parts about living with my in-laws is that it's easy to get distracted by things. I'm trying to read about adoption right now, doing research for my book and getting reminded of the process. I keep getting distracted by the cold of the room and the sound of the TV through the shut door.
Yesterday, I couldn't force myself to focus for more than 30 minutes on any one thing. Today I don't seem to be doing much better. I miss having control of the temperature. I miss being able to have silence when it's convenient for me. I miss having control over my environment for a large part.
If I said something about the distraction of the TV, my mother-in-law would just suggest changing my schedule to fit around hers. How is that fair to me? She only has the TV on for noise and there are other ways to have noise in a house. I realize it's not fair to expect her to adjust her schedule to mine either, but she could at least lower the volume of the TV so it can't be heard through a closed door.
We are obviously still having issues with where the thermostat is set (Currently it's pushed down to the 60s. I'm hoping it's for my sister-in-law who is cleaning.). I am so ready for us to be in our own place again.
And now I need to get back to reading about adoption.
Yesterday, I couldn't force myself to focus for more than 30 minutes on any one thing. Today I don't seem to be doing much better. I miss having control of the temperature. I miss being able to have silence when it's convenient for me. I miss having control over my environment for a large part.
If I said something about the distraction of the TV, my mother-in-law would just suggest changing my schedule to fit around hers. How is that fair to me? She only has the TV on for noise and there are other ways to have noise in a house. I realize it's not fair to expect her to adjust her schedule to mine either, but she could at least lower the volume of the TV so it can't be heard through a closed door.
We are obviously still having issues with where the thermostat is set (Currently it's pushed down to the 60s. I'm hoping it's for my sister-in-law who is cleaning.). I am so ready for us to be in our own place again.
And now I need to get back to reading about adoption.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Keep Your Friends Close
My dad commented on a FaceBook post of mine and it's got me thinking. I quoted part of the song Lean on Me (If there is a load you have to bear that you can't carry, I'm right up the road I'll share your load if you just call me.). He said, "just because that is how you roll. You seem to believe keep your friends close, and your best friends even closer."
He's right, of course. If you are my friend, I care about what is going on in your life and I generally try to keep at least some tabs on you. If I love you, I keep myself in your life. I replied, "helps keep me happy, being surrounded by people I love."
I think this is the secret to living a fulfilling life. It's not to keep your enemies close, it's to walk away from them and surround yourself with people you care about who also care about you. It's not that you'll never have problems this way, but they will be easier to deal with. You will have surrounded yourself with an emotional safety net to keep you from getting hurt.
So, keep your friends close and your best friends even closer.
He's right, of course. If you are my friend, I care about what is going on in your life and I generally try to keep at least some tabs on you. If I love you, I keep myself in your life. I replied, "helps keep me happy, being surrounded by people I love."
I think this is the secret to living a fulfilling life. It's not to keep your enemies close, it's to walk away from them and surround yourself with people you care about who also care about you. It's not that you'll never have problems this way, but they will be easier to deal with. You will have surrounded yourself with an emotional safety net to keep you from getting hurt.
So, keep your friends close and your best friends even closer.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 30
I accomplished my goal of 30 posts in 30 days. This is the first November I've ever done this where the whole month ended up being fairly boring. This is the first November that I've struggled some to figure out what to post for about half the month.
Ace and I have made some decisions lately that have changed how busy our lives are. We're also adjusting to Ace's new job. He doesn't have set hours everyday and that is another adjustment we are making. But those are things I'm not really ready to fully talk about here.
Things with my in-laws are still a little odd. They are giving us some money to buy a car, but most things going on with them are still not positive. We're all feeling a bit awkward right now, I think. Things will hopefully start getting better soon. Ace earning some money will help.
I'm glad I did NaBloPoMo again this year. I feel like I've had some posts that were extremely well written. I feel like I phoned in a few posts. Hopefully I'll do better in the rest of the year to post well written posts.
Ace and I have made some decisions lately that have changed how busy our lives are. We're also adjusting to Ace's new job. He doesn't have set hours everyday and that is another adjustment we are making. But those are things I'm not really ready to fully talk about here.
Things with my in-laws are still a little odd. They are giving us some money to buy a car, but most things going on with them are still not positive. We're all feeling a bit awkward right now, I think. Things will hopefully start getting better soon. Ace earning some money will help.
I'm glad I did NaBloPoMo again this year. I feel like I've had some posts that were extremely well written. I feel like I phoned in a few posts. Hopefully I'll do better in the rest of the year to post well written posts.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 29
or I Quit
Dear Raid Team,
We've had fun these past few months. I enjoyed our time together. Part of me wishes I didn't have to say this, but here goes.
I quit. I like you. It is totally not your fault. It's just that right now life is more hectic than it's been in a long while. Ace is working, and working long hours. My shoulder and back are hurting more than they have before. We're trying to find a balance. I'm hoping we'll move out soon so I can start losing weight.
But something has to give. If it doesn't, I'll lose my mental and physical well being for a computer game. That wouldn't be healthy.
I don't know that I'll never come back. In fact, I've agreed, tentatively, to still raid with you on occasion. But I really can't devote 9 to 12 hours a week to this stuff right now. Life is pulling me in another direction.
I'll still see you, at least sometimes. I'll be working on other characters in game. I'm friends with more than half of you on FaceBook. We aren't going to fully lose touch and I'll probably be seeing you more than either of us expects. Hopefully I'll have good news for you all. Hopefully my shoulder will get a break.
But, for now at least, I quit. It's been good and I'll miss it.
Love,
M.A. Smith
Dear Raid Team,
We've had fun these past few months. I enjoyed our time together. Part of me wishes I didn't have to say this, but here goes.
I quit. I like you. It is totally not your fault. It's just that right now life is more hectic than it's been in a long while. Ace is working, and working long hours. My shoulder and back are hurting more than they have before. We're trying to find a balance. I'm hoping we'll move out soon so I can start losing weight.
But something has to give. If it doesn't, I'll lose my mental and physical well being for a computer game. That wouldn't be healthy.
I don't know that I'll never come back. In fact, I've agreed, tentatively, to still raid with you on occasion. But I really can't devote 9 to 12 hours a week to this stuff right now. Life is pulling me in another direction.
I'll still see you, at least sometimes. I'll be working on other characters in game. I'm friends with more than half of you on FaceBook. We aren't going to fully lose touch and I'll probably be seeing you more than either of us expects. Hopefully I'll have good news for you all. Hopefully my shoulder will get a break.
But, for now at least, I quit. It's been good and I'll miss it.
Love,
M.A. Smith
Monday, November 28, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 28
or Busy Week
Ace and I have a busy week this week. We have plans every evening except Wednesday. Also, Ace is planning on working as much as he can the next few months to try to get us to a good place financially.
Tonight, we have a few errands to run. Hopefully it won't take too long to be back home. Tuesday night, we have a Christmas party to go to. Taz and her kids may join us for that, but we won't know until Tuesday. Thursday is prayer night. Friday and Saturday we have a conference here in Tulsa we will be going to.
We got a little stressed earlier today, partly because of how busy this week is. We both felt frustrated and didn't put each other's feelings first. We both apologized for being frustrated with the other. We spent some time focusing on the positives that will soon be coming around.
This is a busy week, but hopefully we'll both keep in mind that we aren't normally this busy. Hopefully we'll be more careful about keeping ourselves in the right place mentally. And next week will be less busy either way.
Ace and I have a busy week this week. We have plans every evening except Wednesday. Also, Ace is planning on working as much as he can the next few months to try to get us to a good place financially.
Tonight, we have a few errands to run. Hopefully it won't take too long to be back home. Tuesday night, we have a Christmas party to go to. Taz and her kids may join us for that, but we won't know until Tuesday. Thursday is prayer night. Friday and Saturday we have a conference here in Tulsa we will be going to.
We got a little stressed earlier today, partly because of how busy this week is. We both felt frustrated and didn't put each other's feelings first. We both apologized for being frustrated with the other. We spent some time focusing on the positives that will soon be coming around.
This is a busy week, but hopefully we'll both keep in mind that we aren't normally this busy. Hopefully we'll be more careful about keeping ourselves in the right place mentally. And next week will be less busy either way.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 27
Ace, Taz (my new friend, called the name she gave me permission to use), and I watched Avatar Friday night. Her kids were spending the night with their grandparents and we hung out and watched a movie. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the movie.
I had heard that it was about being green, and I guess that message was in the movie some, but it wasn't the message that hit me. Instead, I was surprised at how much the political message that was much more obvious seemed so appropriate. It surprised me how much I don't think about where our troops go and what the culture is like there.
I know that in Iraq there are families. They are probably fairly similar to the ones I grew up seeing on TV. They are trying to live their lives and walk their faith. And then we come in and fight a war in their country or try to convince them to change to a lifestyle we are more comfortable with.
We don't consider what is special to them. We think we are superior just because we are different and live in a generally more developed nation. We don't listen to them to find out what is important or why they would want to live the way they are. We don't show them respect. And then we wonder why we are hated as a nation.
I don't know that those families in Iraq are right. I don't know that they are wrong. I just know that they are different in ways that probably don't matter. I know that we should show other people, other cultures, and other nations respect. Who is to say that we are right? What if we are wrong?
There are always two sides to every story. Both sides think they are right, or at least less wrong. Maybe it's time we start listening to both sides before we decide.
I had heard that it was about being green, and I guess that message was in the movie some, but it wasn't the message that hit me. Instead, I was surprised at how much the political message that was much more obvious seemed so appropriate. It surprised me how much I don't think about where our troops go and what the culture is like there.
I know that in Iraq there are families. They are probably fairly similar to the ones I grew up seeing on TV. They are trying to live their lives and walk their faith. And then we come in and fight a war in their country or try to convince them to change to a lifestyle we are more comfortable with.
We don't consider what is special to them. We think we are superior just because we are different and live in a generally more developed nation. We don't listen to them to find out what is important or why they would want to live the way they are. We don't show them respect. And then we wonder why we are hated as a nation.
I don't know that those families in Iraq are right. I don't know that they are wrong. I just know that they are different in ways that probably don't matter. I know that we should show other people, other cultures, and other nations respect. Who is to say that we are right? What if we are wrong?
There are always two sides to every story. Both sides think they are right, or at least less wrong. Maybe it's time we start listening to both sides before we decide.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 26
Last night, I went to look at Christmas lights with Ace, my new friend (gonna talk to her about the name thing), and her two kids. It was a lot of fun, even if it did feel like the Bataan Death March of looking at Christmas lights.
We were walking around at a pretty good pace, mostly because that's the pace set by the youngest member of our party. If I had been setting the pace, we'd have been going closer to half the speed. I expect to feel the burn in my muscles later for all that walking.
We saw roughly 2 million lights (give or take a few thousand). We all had fun. We skipped anything that would have cost money and stuck to the free stuff. I'd love to do it again sometime.
We were walking around at a pretty good pace, mostly because that's the pace set by the youngest member of our party. If I had been setting the pace, we'd have been going closer to half the speed. I expect to feel the burn in my muscles later for all that walking.
We saw roughly 2 million lights (give or take a few thousand). We all had fun. We skipped anything that would have cost money and stuck to the free stuff. I'd love to do it again sometime.
Friday, November 25, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 25
or Another Spam E-mail This Month?
Yes, another spam e-mail. Deal with it.
>From: American Embassy
>Sent: Sat, Nov 12, 2011 4:56 am
>Subject: ,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
Ooh, it's from the US Embassy. But why does the e-mail address not end in .gov?
>,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
>Embassy of United States of America in Abuja
>7, Mambilla Street
>Off Aso Drive Maitama District, Abuja
I have no clue if there is an embassy in Abuja. I don't know where Abuja is.
>Greeting to you, I am Mr. Fred Williams Secretary American Embassy
>Abuja-Nigeria, thank you so much and get back to my e-mail regarding the
>money you have lost based on ongoing scam activities in Africa especially
>Nigeria, the US, UN, EU and AU has admit with the federal government of
>Nigeria to combat this recent increasing in fraud by the dubious citizens of
>the third world nations
Greetings to you. I never talked to you before but I'm glad I could help you with the e-mail I didn't send. I'm glad to see someone is taking all this fraud seriously.
>We have carried out Investigation to many Office departments in African
>countries.
Well, that's good to know. Why are you randomly capitalizing words?
>Also, Regarding different emails you are receiving from people claiming to be
>President of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), we want you to stop any further
>communication with them.
I haven't been communicating with anyone from Nigeria. I've not responded to a single spam e-mail. Ever.
>We are working very hard, with ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISSION >(EFCC) in conjunction with FBI to make sure we arrest all those criminals.
That's nice. Does this mean I'll get less spam?
>This is to inform you about our plan; This Group is responsible for
>investigating the legitimacy of your fund worldwide to the beneficiaries
>without further delay. You are being legally contacted regarding the release
>of your long awaited fund that amount $14, 700, 00, 00 million U.S dollars
>WHICH WILL get to you through Mrs. STELLA COLLINS AND THE LAWYER >REPRESENTING YOU BARRISTER MARTINS ADAM PHONE +2347042948613
I haven't been awaiting any funds from Nigeria. Especially not $14.7 million. I have no clue if that's even a legitimate phone number.
>YOUR URGENT RESPONDS WITH THE INFORMATION'S STATED BELOW
>1 Your complete name
>2 your complete address to avoid handling of your card that contains your fund to a wrong >hand
>3 A copy of your identification card or you international; passport
>4 Phone number
>5 Your occupation
1 Marsha Amanda Smith (not my real name)
2 12345 S. Main St, Tulsa, OK 67891 (not my real address)
3 I don't have a way to copy my ID and I don't have a passport (not that I'd put it here if I did)
4 1 (234) 555-6789
5 Ice cream taste tester (oh wait, that's a job I might enjoy, not one I have)
>Send a copy of your INFORMATION\S to our remittance officer to avoid handling
>your fund to a wrong hand inform her that I directed you to contact her with
>the informations below
>NAME: Mrs. STELLA COLLINS
>REF/ PAYMENTS CODE: ECB/06654
>Email: mrsstellacollins4@i.ua
I'm not fully sure I know what I'm supposed to do here. Am I supposed to send her information? Am I supposed to tell this person I'm supposed to contact her?
>Thanks
Thanks for nothing.
>Mr. Fred Williams
>Secretary American Embassy in Abuja-Nigeria
Marsha Amanda Smith
Ice Cream Taste Tester
Sorry, I don't think I was nearly as funny today. This e-mail just wasn't that funny and ended up being odd.
Yes, another spam e-mail. Deal with it.
>From: American Embassy
>Sent: Sat, Nov 12, 2011 4:56 am
>Subject: ,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
Ooh, it's from the US Embassy. But why does the e-mail address not end in .gov?
>,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
>Embassy of United States of America in Abuja
>7, Mambilla Street
>Off Aso Drive Maitama District, Abuja
I have no clue if there is an embassy in Abuja. I don't know where Abuja is.
>Greeting to you, I am Mr. Fred Williams Secretary American Embassy
>Abuja-Nigeria, thank you so much and get back to my e-mail regarding the
>money you have lost based on ongoing scam activities in Africa especially
>Nigeria, the US, UN, EU and AU has admit with the federal government of
>Nigeria to combat this recent increasing in fraud by the dubious citizens of
>the third world nations
Greetings to you. I never talked to you before but I'm glad I could help you with the e-mail I didn't send. I'm glad to see someone is taking all this fraud seriously.
>We have carried out Investigation to many Office departments in African
>countries.
Well, that's good to know. Why are you randomly capitalizing words?
>Also, Regarding different emails you are receiving from people claiming to be
>President of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), we want you to stop any further
>communication with them.
I haven't been communicating with anyone from Nigeria. I've not responded to a single spam e-mail. Ever.
>We are working very hard, with ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISSION >(EFCC) in conjunction with FBI to make sure we arrest all those criminals.
That's nice. Does this mean I'll get less spam?
>This is to inform you about our plan; This Group is responsible for
>investigating the legitimacy of your fund worldwide to the beneficiaries
>without further delay. You are being legally contacted regarding the release
>of your long awaited fund that amount $14, 700, 00, 00 million U.S dollars
>WHICH WILL get to you through Mrs. STELLA COLLINS AND THE LAWYER >REPRESENTING YOU BARRISTER MARTINS ADAM PHONE +2347042948613
I haven't been awaiting any funds from Nigeria. Especially not $14.7 million. I have no clue if that's even a legitimate phone number.
>YOUR URGENT RESPONDS WITH THE INFORMATION'S STATED BELOW
>1 Your complete name
>2 your complete address to avoid handling of your card that contains your fund to a wrong >hand
>3 A copy of your identification card or you international; passport
>4 Phone number
>5 Your occupation
1 Marsha Amanda Smith (not my real name)
2 12345 S. Main St, Tulsa, OK 67891 (not my real address)
3 I don't have a way to copy my ID and I don't have a passport (not that I'd put it here if I did)
4 1 (234) 555-6789
5 Ice cream taste tester (oh wait, that's a job I might enjoy, not one I have)
>Send a copy of your INFORMATION\S to our remittance officer to avoid handling
>your fund to a wrong hand inform her that I directed you to contact her with
>the informations below
>NAME: Mrs. STELLA COLLINS
>REF/ PAYMENTS CODE: ECB/06654
>Email: mrsstellacollins4@i.ua
I'm not fully sure I know what I'm supposed to do here. Am I supposed to send her information? Am I supposed to tell this person I'm supposed to contact her?
>Thanks
Thanks for nothing.
>Mr. Fred Williams
>Secretary American Embassy in Abuja-Nigeria
Marsha Amanda Smith
Ice Cream Taste Tester
Sorry, I don't think I was nearly as funny today. This e-mail just wasn't that funny and ended up being odd.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 24
or Things I'm Thankful For
As it's Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to make a list of things I'm thankful for this year.
1. Ace has a job.
2. Ace has motivation to get us back on our own.
3. We've had somewhere to live for the last year and a half. It may not be where we've dreamed of living, but we've had a roof over our head.
4. I have a nice warm blanket to keep me warm when the house is cooler than I'd like it to be.
5. I have a new friend. We're making plans to get to know each other better.
6. I have things I can take and do when my shoulder or back starts hurting.
I'm sure there are many other things that I'm thankful for, but right now these are the things that top my list.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
As it's Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to make a list of things I'm thankful for this year.
1. Ace has a job.
2. Ace has motivation to get us back on our own.
3. We've had somewhere to live for the last year and a half. It may not be where we've dreamed of living, but we've had a roof over our head.
4. I have a nice warm blanket to keep me warm when the house is cooler than I'd like it to be.
5. I have a new friend. We're making plans to get to know each other better.
6. I have things I can take and do when my shoulder or back starts hurting.
I'm sure there are many other things that I'm thankful for, but right now these are the things that top my list.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 23
Ace and I are planning on spending some time together, just the two of us, later on. I'm looking forward to it. We've had less time with each other lately because of his job (that doesn't bother me) and because of spending time with our friend (I'll give her a name soon, but not today).
It's nice for us to have a little bit of time to focus on each other. I think I've been needing a little of that lately. I've got some things for us to talk about and hopefully we'll get some things ironed out and plans will be made.
Ace has promised me the time, and if I have to hide the phone and drag him away from his computer, I know I'll get it (I doubt I'll have to take such drastic measures). It's a good thing for me to learn to balance my demands on his time with what time he has available, but it's also good for him to remember to spend time with me while balancing everything else.
We'll find our equilibrium again. I'll find myself needing a bit less time from him and he'll find himself giving me a bit more attention. It's how it works. But this in between state is an odd one.
It's nice for us to have a little bit of time to focus on each other. I think I've been needing a little of that lately. I've got some things for us to talk about and hopefully we'll get some things ironed out and plans will be made.
Ace has promised me the time, and if I have to hide the phone and drag him away from his computer, I know I'll get it (I doubt I'll have to take such drastic measures). It's a good thing for me to learn to balance my demands on his time with what time he has available, but it's also good for him to remember to spend time with me while balancing everything else.
We'll find our equilibrium again. I'll find myself needing a bit less time from him and he'll find himself giving me a bit more attention. It's how it works. But this in between state is an odd one.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 22
All my worry was for no reason. I kind of knew it would be from the start. I like this friend of Ace's. She's now my friend. Hopefully we'll be able to see her again soon and we can all get better acquainted.
My brain is just one that goes about 3 times further than it has to when thinking about stuff like this. I start off with reasonable questions (Will we find something to talk about?) and end up with totally crazy ones (Will she think I'm crazy and evil?).
That's probably the worst thing that happened with my mom's craziness, I over think things to an extreme degree. Every time I start thinking too much, it ends with me thinking that someone is going to hate me, FOREVER, for some minor thing. It's not healthy. It's not fair to anyone who is even minorly reasonable, which is most people.
On the plus side, knowing that this is a problem, I can start working on it. I can work on not assuming the worst case scenario. I can stop predicting the end of my safe world (at least, the one in my head) for every small thing.
I made a new friend. That makes me happy.
My brain is just one that goes about 3 times further than it has to when thinking about stuff like this. I start off with reasonable questions (Will we find something to talk about?) and end up with totally crazy ones (Will she think I'm crazy and evil?).
That's probably the worst thing that happened with my mom's craziness, I over think things to an extreme degree. Every time I start thinking too much, it ends with me thinking that someone is going to hate me, FOREVER, for some minor thing. It's not healthy. It's not fair to anyone who is even minorly reasonable, which is most people.
On the plus side, knowing that this is a problem, I can start working on it. I can work on not assuming the worst case scenario. I can stop predicting the end of my safe world (at least, the one in my head) for every small thing.
I made a new friend. That makes me happy.
Monday, November 21, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 21
Since Thanksgiving is this Thursday, I guess I should be focused on things I'm thankful for. Instead, today I'm focused on an old friend of Ace's from high school (old as in he knew her a long time ago, not old as in she's 80).
They are friends on FaceBook. She posted something recently about an event her daughter had and she invited people to come. Ace told her he couldn't make it due to previous plans. Once she found out it was his prayer night, she asked him to come to church with her (partially so they could catch up).
Yesterday morning, he went to church with her. I stayed home, mostly because of a sore back and desiring some time alone. Ace got home about an hour after the service ended, obviously catching up went well (the church is within a mile of my in-laws house, so I know travel time was practically nothing).
This evening, I will meet this friend. Ace has let me read the conversations they've had just so I know what is going on. He told me some about them visiting. He wants us to be friends with his old friend, something I'm fine with. From the sound of it, she needs a relationship with a guy who just wants to be friends.
Ace doesn't want to keep things secret from me. He would like it if she and I became friends. I'm hoping to make a new friend and get to know more about the past my husband seems to have mostly suppressed. I'm curious about this person who freely invites people to church, something I haven't always seen. I'm curious about what her kids are like (she has 2).
And while I'm curious about her, I wonder if she's curious about me. Did she used to have a crush on Ace and wants to know what kind of woman he married? What if she thinks I'm all wrong for Ace? Would she even care? What if I can't find things to talk to her about? What if I can't stop babbling? What if I make a complete fool of myself? Will any of these thoughts matter?
Obviously, Ace and this friend weren't that close in high school. I'd have met her before now if she was that important to him before. I've known Ace for over 9 years, been married close to 8 and 1/2, and yet my insecurities about meeting people he used to know well still come out. All sorts of stupid what ifs keep popping in my head. I'm over thinking this whole thing. Somehow, I imagine that I'm not the only one over thinking things. But I'm probably the only one awake when I should be sleeping because I'm over thinking things.
Later today I'll meet an old friend of Ace's. I hope everything goes well.
They are friends on FaceBook. She posted something recently about an event her daughter had and she invited people to come. Ace told her he couldn't make it due to previous plans. Once she found out it was his prayer night, she asked him to come to church with her (partially so they could catch up).
Yesterday morning, he went to church with her. I stayed home, mostly because of a sore back and desiring some time alone. Ace got home about an hour after the service ended, obviously catching up went well (the church is within a mile of my in-laws house, so I know travel time was practically nothing).
This evening, I will meet this friend. Ace has let me read the conversations they've had just so I know what is going on. He told me some about them visiting. He wants us to be friends with his old friend, something I'm fine with. From the sound of it, she needs a relationship with a guy who just wants to be friends.
Ace doesn't want to keep things secret from me. He would like it if she and I became friends. I'm hoping to make a new friend and get to know more about the past my husband seems to have mostly suppressed. I'm curious about this person who freely invites people to church, something I haven't always seen. I'm curious about what her kids are like (she has 2).
And while I'm curious about her, I wonder if she's curious about me. Did she used to have a crush on Ace and wants to know what kind of woman he married? What if she thinks I'm all wrong for Ace? Would she even care? What if I can't find things to talk to her about? What if I can't stop babbling? What if I make a complete fool of myself? Will any of these thoughts matter?
Obviously, Ace and this friend weren't that close in high school. I'd have met her before now if she was that important to him before. I've known Ace for over 9 years, been married close to 8 and 1/2, and yet my insecurities about meeting people he used to know well still come out. All sorts of stupid what ifs keep popping in my head. I'm over thinking this whole thing. Somehow, I imagine that I'm not the only one over thinking things. But I'm probably the only one awake when I should be sleeping because I'm over thinking things.
Later today I'll meet an old friend of Ace's. I hope everything goes well.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 20
We are two thirds of the way through the month. In celebration, I bring you this picture.
Thank you for your attention.
Thank you for your attention.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 19
Thanksgiving this year looks to be very different from the last several years. My dad and step-mom have other plans, so I won't be having smoked turkey then. I'm not really sure what the plans will be, but it won't be the same.
My sister was apparently wanting to come for Thanksgiving too. It would have been nice to see her. But there's always Christmas.
On the plus side, for the first time in more years than I'd like to remember, Ace and I will be able to do something more for Christmas than just go visit people. We should be able to buy gifts for my family and maybe give gift cards to Ace's family.
Things are starting to look up. And I'm holding onto that.
My sister was apparently wanting to come for Thanksgiving too. It would have been nice to see her. But there's always Christmas.
On the plus side, for the first time in more years than I'd like to remember, Ace and I will be able to do something more for Christmas than just go visit people. We should be able to buy gifts for my family and maybe give gift cards to Ace's family.
Things are starting to look up. And I'm holding onto that.
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