Briefly Speaking

Ace and I have several things that need to be replaced. Our laptops, Ace's jeans (both pair), Ace's dress shirts, my bras, etc. The list seems to continually get longer.

Yesterday, Ace and I replaced something for me that I've needed replaced for a while, sadly since the last time I replaced them: my panties. The last time we bought me panties (sometime since we've moved back to Tulsa), we made a choice based on price instead of experience with the brand. Apparently the $.30 a pair we saved was an important $.30 to spend.

I had a pair get a hole in them after one use. Then 4 pairs were too tight to be easily pulled on and off. A short time later, a few more pairs had problems with stitching coming undone. In short, we weren't happy with the cheaper undies.

So, yesterday we replaced them with a brand name we know is good. I'm happy to know that there is at least one thing we won't have to replace for a while.

The Bump

Earlier, I noticed a bump under my arm while showering. My first thoughts were not of pimples or moles, but more of "Was that really a bump I felt? What does that bump mean?"

But I figured that in the wet shower, with soap on my body and shampoo in my hair was no time to start imagining the worst. Plus, with a little more feeling, it seemed more like a pimple.

After I finished drying off, I checked out the mysterious bump. It was originally a blackhead that had become a pimple. There was nothing to panic about. It was something that could easily be dealt with.

But it reminded me that it's easy to find something unexpected and freak out before getting all the facts first. If I hadn't kept my head and realized that if it was something to get checked out by a doctor it could wait until I was no longer soapy I could have completely freaked out over a pimple. I'd have felt stupid once I found out that my panic was over nothing.

To My Valentine

Dear Ace,

I know I said I was writing about this past weekend, and I started to but it didn't seem to be flowing well. It was stilted and unnatural. I did appreciate that you found it just as important as I did to go to the marriage seminar we attended. It touched a special place in my heart.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day. Tomorrow I don't know how much time we'll have together, but I know that it won't be as much as I would like. I know that we probably won't get to have a date night tomorrow night, but I am hoping we can go out to eat (even if it's fast food eaten in the car). I know that you would love to take me out to a nice dinner, shower me with chocolate and flowers, and spend time showing me just how much you appreciate our marriage. Hopefully we can do that next year on Valentine's Day.

But, for as much as I wish some things could be different, I am happy to know that you love me. You feel that it's important to spend time with me and talk with me and take care of our marriage. I was thrilled to hear that you wouldn't want to do something momentarily exciting that would endanger our relationship. It made me feel safe and loved.

I love that our conversations flow so easily most of the time. I love that we talk so much and challenge each other to think outside our own points of view. I love that you help my brain stretch and grow. I love that you encourage me to read, even though you don't enjoy reading like I do. You may not love going to the library, but you are happy to take me when I ask. I appreciate that so much and I don't feel like I can find the words to express how much that means to me.

Thank you, for all that you've done, for all that you're doing, and for all that you will continue to do. Thank you for making this relationship feel easy and not like work. I know that we've both worked stuff out in the past to get to this point, but it's felt fairly easy the whole way through. Thank you for listening to me when I talk, it means so much. Thank you for being patient enough to have learned what I can and cannot do at various times. Thank you for understanding that my hormones make my emotions crazy sometimes and that if I'm upset it's probably not really your fault or my fault but the hormones' fault.

Thank you for being my hero by not allowing your family to just order me about. Thank you for being willing to stand up for me and for our marriage. I know that there are women out there who would love it if their husbands did that. Thank you for pushing me to grow without trying to completely change my personality. Thank you for understanding that I don't always know why I like or don't like something or why I feel things need to be this way or that way. It helps that you don't push, you just accept that it's one of my quirks and life goes on.

Thank you for being the perfect husband for me.

Love,
M.A.

P.S.: I love you!

A Quick Question for You

In an effort to focus on something other than being slightly annoyed with Ace over stupid stuff, I'm going to instead focus on the other thing that is bothering me right now.

Why do back closing bras have bows on the front in between the breasts?

On one hand, I understand that women want to look cute/sexy for their significant others (or just for themselves). But do men really care about the bow? Do other women?

On the other hand, it always seems to pop up, annoyingly, to be an obvious bump under my shirts. One that looks totally unnatural. I doubt that Ace gives any thought to there being a bow on my bra when he's taking it off me. He's kind of distracted with what's underneath the bra.

So why are the bra designers continuing to stick bows on the front of bras? Does the bow provide structural integrity? Why is it there? Is the only solution to have bras that close in the front? And don't bras that close in the front just provide different problems, like hooks that come undone when they weren't supposed to?

Why? Can't someone please give me a reason?

At Least it Waited Another Two Days This Time

I'm starting to get wary of taking pregnancy tests. They keep coming up negative and then I'll start my period shortly afterward. At least this time, my body waited a few days instead of not even letting the test finish processing to crush my spirit.

All this in time for us to be slightly snowed in again, have plans for this weekend that include me dressing up in somewhat snug dress clothes (also a sucky time for snow to come again), and Valentine's Day. Because my body loves ironic timing.

Can I pull my covers over my head and hide for the day now?

Waiting

Today, Ace and I braved the wild, still snow-covered streets of the neighborhood and went out to Walmart. I wanted to buy a pregnancy test to replace the one I should have thrown out months ago, because it was long past expired. Also, I wanted a breakfast sandwich.

So, we went out, bought me breakfast, bought some tests and some chocolate, and ran other unimportant errands. And then we came home and I drank liquids and waited for my body to tell me that I needed to pee.

Except, once I got to the bathroom, my body decided to pee anywhere but where the test was, just to make things difficult. I figured that I probably didn't get enough pee on the test for anything to happen, so I'd leave it in there for the next time I had to pee to try again. Instead, I looked at the test a few minutes later and it came up negative. But with what probably amounted to two drops on the stick, I'm not 100% sure that it's accurate. So now, I'm waiting a week, in hopes that 1. I still won't have started my period and 2. Enough hormones will be built up to show a positive on the pregnancy test (provided I actually pee on the right part of the stick this time).

So, for now, here is a picture of Guillermo:















His eyes didn't normally glow like that, but here he is in all his doggy glory.

Cabin Fever Averted

Today, my father-in-law proved why he and I can get along decently when my mother-in-law isn't involved.

It all started when he asked Ace if he wanted to go to the store with him. Ace said yes, and I perked up from laying on the bed, wishing that my mother-in-law wasn't assaulting my nauseous stomach with smells of peppers and onion. I quickly shut our door and started changing pants, because there was no way I was staying here, even if my body wasn't sure it WANTED to go anywhere, because I NEEDED to get out of the house for a while to keep my brain sane.

So, we went grocery shopping (Ace's father recognizes that we have different eating habits and that the two of us might want to eat stuff we've chosen). I had originally asked for peppermints and Sprite to be bought for me when my father-in-law went shopping yesterday (he remembered the Sprite, forgot the peppermints), so today I got the peppermints as soon as I went into the store. I also grabbed some saltines and pudding because they were on sale (I was totally willing for us to buy the saltine and pudding, but my father-in-law bought them for me!).

He also got ice cream for everyone (some sugar free/diabetic ice cream for my mother-in-law, and two flavors of ice cream for Ace and I to enjoy), and the ice cream was his idea. On the way home, we stopped to pick up some pizzas and my stomach was nicely soothed the entire trip home by the smell of the pizzas. It was especially nice on the snow covered streets in the neighborhood.

So, I'm no longer feeling cabin fever. I'm just trying to avoid feeling nauseous/exhausted all the time.

Blue Eyes Crying in the Snow

Today, it's snowing again. Ace decided that we should go out to get some grocery shopping done. He got dressed, headed out, and started clearing off the car. I joined him outside not too long after (about 10 minutes). He had the car fairly clear and was working on moving the snow that had settled right behind it, so I waited in the garage until he could back up the car and let me in.

After another 15 minutes of finishing clearing off the car, we were ready to go. We started off well, and had we actually made it off the street my in-laws' house is on, we probably would have made our trip to the store and back just fine. Instead, Ace decided to head toward the right side of the street (which still had too much snow) and slowed down to ensure he couldn't/wouldn't hit another vehicle. Then, the car got stuck.

Ace got close to getting the car unstuck, and eventually someone stopped (actually, turned around) to help. I got to drive our car, backwards, down the street until I got to my in-law's driveway (my first time to drive on that much snow). There I temporarily parked the car until Ace got in to re-park it on the street. I moved into the garage, sat down, and started crying out of frustration (hormones helped with that).

Some of my biggest frustrations had to do with the fact that we didn't make it off the street and that I needed a bit more time away from my mother-in-law than I got. It all just seemed so unfair. I had been teased with a glimpse of time away from this house, only to have it come crashing down in an effort to keep from ruining our engine. I'm not particularly upset with Ace's decision, just frustrated that it came to that.

*I do have blue eyes. I did refrain from crying while actually in the falling snow, but I did sob a bit more than expected about not being able to go grocery shopping, a chore I usually don't care much about. Cabin fever sucks!

Cabin Fever

People, I am fighting off cabin fever so bad you would probably not believe it. And I know that if there wasn't all this snow on the ground outside, I probably wouldn't care about being "stuck" at home.

Yesterday, Ace and I did get out of the house, but only to the corner where my in-laws SUV was stuck to get it unstuck and moved to in front of the house (I was really bundled up for that too). It helped with the cabin fever, at least for a few hours. And it got us $20 to boot.

I think Ace is ready to get me out of the house for a bit, because I'm starting to whine sometimes about things. My hormones are making everything around me either more annoying or causing me to feel sappier about them than I normally would feel. Fighting off some nausea (it seems to be unrelated to my mother-in-law's illness earlier this week, since she was actually throwing up and I haven't) and not having access to as much Sprite and peppermints as I would like hasn't helped either. Having my mother-in-law loudly pester us for roughly half an hour over stuff that Ace and I don't care about hasn't helped either.

Basically, I'm starting to go stir crazy, the hours are passing SLOWLY, and my mother-in-law seems to be getting more annoying by the day. Somebody get me out of here!

Snowed In

Last night, my father-in-law left early to head to work to beat the snow storm, just in case the office he provides security for had people working today. Because of all the snow (at 10 a.m., there were 10-12+ inches in the Tulsa area and it was still snowing), that office decided to close. My father-in-law was told he could go home, or stay there if it was safer. Last I heard, he's still at work.

Here, we are semi-snowed in. Ace and I probably could get to our car and potentially go somewhere, but we have no where to go. My mother-in-law is stuck here, since we have no way to take her chair anywhere.

Even if we tried to go somewhere, most places would be closed and the highways, while still open, are likely hard to get on or off the highway. There isn't any place to go or any reason to go anywhere. According to the news (something that is fascinating due to the snow, but would otherwise be unwelcome to us to see), we're up to 13.8 inches in Tulsa, a record high for Feb. 1 and a record for most snowfall in 24 hours. It's still snowing too.

There doesn't seem to be any reports of power outages, so that's good. Yay for warmth.

But I'd be happy to take a trip to Hawaii about now.

Update on Things

So... I mentioned Ace getting a second job. And he did, but it didn't really work out, because the company was... well, to put it as nicely as I can, kind of messed up. They were supposed to be sending Ace on pre-scheduled appointments to talk to business owners/decision makers. Instead, they sent him to talk to people who couldn't make a decision for the business and at times they weren't expecting him. Or they sent him to talk to people who didn't want to talk to him in the first place.

After 8 appointments, he realized this whole thing was not going to work out.

So, who knows what's going to happen now. Ace is still looking for a second job and still plans on selling insurance (except this week is shot because of the weather, which is cold after a weekend with highs in the 70s).

And now you are all brought up to date on things.

Things Have Shifted

On airplanes, when the plane has landed and everyone is getting ready to get their luggage from the overhead compartments, they tell you to be careful because things may have shifted (at least, they always said that when I was a semi-regular flier from OKC to Dallas and back).

Things have shifted here. Ace has a second job, one that will probably be our main source of income for a while. He went through 8 hours of training for his new job. He'll work on it part time for the next 2 days (and keep the insurance appointments he's made already for the other half) and then start working full time at it Friday (preset appointments, which is great for potential money making). And he plans on selling insurance part time (I'm guessing 8 - 12 hours a week on that).

But this means we could conceivably move out on our own by mid-March. We could finally be living on our own again. 2011 has started looking brighter. Ace is planning to do most of his insurance appointments on Saturdays, which will leave us evenings and Sundays to spend together (he has decided that he'll take Sunday off each week, something I'm extremely happy about).

It feels like our lives are getting even closer to being back on track. And I'm excited about the possibilities.

Quiet

I'm feeling fairly quiet about stuff lately. I think part of it is Ace being gone a lot with work (he's gotta work on that some). Without Ace around, my days are long and quiet and fairly dull.

As much as I've complained somewhat recently to him about dragging me out right before Jeopardy comes on (it used to be People's Court, now it's Jeopardy), I do truly miss having him around to drag me out or just sit and talk to me on the days he's not here.

And not having Ace to talk to/do stuff with keeps me from having much to talk about here. I'd rather not complain about my in-laws all the time on here, and things aren't always bad when they are around (odd maybe, but not necessarily bad).

Why There Are Some Shows I'm Not Allowed to Watch

I had a dream recently that I was a doctor, working in a hospital (for House, a show I haven't watched in a long while, except for some reruns on cable not too long ago). And for some reason, I had to ride a motorcycle to the hospital (don't know how in real life, did just fine in my dreams). Shortly after that, Ace showed up as another doctor who worked in the hospital and took me down to the E.R. to talk to one of our friends/fellow doctors to find out why I kept taking naps about 5 p.m. The E.R. doc did an ultra-sound (that I slept through in my dream, because that's how my dreams roll) and found out I was pregnant and about halfway through my pregnancy.

These kinds of dreams are why I don't watch shows like "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". I do not need reoccurring dreams that I mysteriously find out I'm pregnant because I show up at a doctor's office or an E.R. wondering why I'm feeling so exhausted and hungry all the time. It's a ridiculous dream and I can't get it out of my head so I thought I'd share it here.

And now I'm off to get some sleep, hopefully without random dreams of spending half a pregnancy unaware of my pregnant state.

I Think the Earth is Still on its Axis

After the raking over the coals treatment last week, my in-laws have been treating us fairly decently. I think it helps that Ace keeps pushing me out of the room some and they've actually turned off the TV sometimes and talked during dinner.

It's been a little weird.

HOWEVER, they have fixed our car (our heater and blinkers weren't working). So far, there hasn't been any strings attached, but they only got it fixed yesterday, so there's still time for strings. It was kind of nice to have them stop asking us when we were going to fix our heater (or find out how much it would be to fix our heater) and just do something about it since they were so interested in it. And the heater is working great now.

So, yeah. I've been trying to adjust to all this talking with my in-laws. I think my mother-in-law, at least, is starting to realize that my "laziness" is me trying not to stress out my back to where I CAN'T move for a while (38G sized boobs on a 5'4", 160 lb. frame will throw off a center of gravity and cause major pain if a person bends over much). She understands wanting to not hurt. I don't know how much she believes that's what I'm doing, but I think she's starting to kind of understand that I may be less lazy than she was originally thinking.

*Sigh*

I was having a good day yesterday, up until Ace finally got home from work/prayer night. Then, my in-laws decided to ruin both his and my good mood with a talk.

It started off ominously with "How about visiting with us?" This was sole directed at Ace, as I had already declined "visiting" after I finished dinner for a variety of reasons (mostly because I'd rather not, thanks).

Then came a 2 hour long discussion of: 1. M.A. is lazy because she doesn't automatically know that mother-in-law needs help with stuff (lazy wasn't outright stated, but it was strongly implied), 2. Ace needs to work on his communication skills because in-laws keep saying things that are clearly supportive but he keeps thinking are indicative of disapproval (the in-laws clearly believe they communicate approval without saying anything that sounds remotely approving to anyone outside their heads), 3. have we mentioned that M.A. is lazy because she's not earning an income or helping out around the house? And why doesn't she want to talk to us? (for one, they are reminding me of my mom more and more lately and I don't want to be around that), and 4. In-laws feel they are viewed as servants, despite the fact they ask us (Ace mostly) to jump and expect us/him to know how high.

There was a discussion about how Ace being asked if he wants to do something is really them asking him to do it (He always says he doesn't WANT to but is WILLING to do whatever they are asking. This is apparently the same to the in-laws as saying that he is only doing it because they are asking and would never do any thing around here on his own.). Oh, and part of the reason we've randomly had to fix our own dinner is my father-in-law figures that we're treating them like servants by expecting them to fix dinner (instead of just asking us to fix dinner from time to time or setting up a schedule for when they would like us to cook or even letting us know that they want us to feed ourselves).

Ace, fairly reasonably in my opinion, asked that if they randomly decide to go grocery shopping (since that's their preferred way of doing it) to at least call on their way home to let him know so he can be ready to help bring in groceries when they get here. Somehow I doubt that will happen for long, but we'll see.

This is, apparently, the same basic conversation they had several months ago with Ace when I didn't go to dinner with everyone, but stayed home alone instead. Because, instead of talking to us as things come up, my in-laws decide to just wait until they are fed up and things come out all at once. It's not healthy and I don't think they realize how fed up with this Ace is getting. He's ready for a lengthy time away from his parents now.

And it hurts me to watch, because I feel like they are damaging my wonderful husband. He's worked so hard to grow, and it feels like they are chipping away at that growth. I want to protect him from the damage they could inflict, but there isn't much I can do. It reminds me what I want for my kids and why I feel a need to shelter them from my in-laws already. It pains me to understand why my loving, caring husband could have made some different choices and been someone totally different. It gives me reason to thank God for helping Ace grow into such a great man, despite the lack of support he's gotten for most of his life. And it causes both of us to cling more tightly to each other until we can be back on our own.

The day was going so well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Hello

There's been someone digging through my blog for the past few days. I have no idea who they are, as they haven't left me any messages or sent me any e-mails.

To this person, I say, "Hi! How did you find me? I guess I've been an interesting read, since you've dug through so much of my blog. If you don't want to share anything, you don't have to, but I am curious."

Other than that, I've been trying to lower my stress level back down, because my in-laws have decided to continue the kinds of behaviors that cause me to feel stressed (within the first 24 hours of being back here, I was as stressed as I had been before I went to visit my dad). Tonight, they decided to run some errand (or go out to eat) and didn't let Ace and I know that we were on our own for dinner. So, when they got back after 8 (and after we had been hungry for a while), we finally found out that we could have already eaten.

Starting my period early hasn't helped either. But I'm choosing to look at this as being one month closer to being pregnant. On the plus side, my hormones, which were a little too out of control Monday and Tuesday, are bothering me less today. Ace is happy because it means I'm not getting pissed at him for some stupid reasons. Staying with my in-laws seems to make it easier to get upset about stupid stuff, which just makes us both want out of here even more.

2011 Is Going to Be Better, Right:?

It's been a somewhat long day. Ace and I returned to Tulsa, but then we had a lot of stuff to do after we got here. We had laundry to wash, stuff to rearrange, and I needed to find some time to relax again. Nicely, the laundry is clean, almost everything is back in it's place, and I've spent some time relaxing.

Unfortunately for me, almost nothing about this place has changed in the week I've been gone. The dishes have been switched back out to the new dishes (I'm pretty sure we still need to store the Christmas dishes, though). The fridge is looking less full than it was when I left. But the people are still the same.

There was a random reminder that my in-laws were going to church tonight (yeah, got it, we still remember what day it is, thanks). There is still food being burnt and then eaten like there is nothing wrong with it. There's still the fact that we are ready to be living on our own again.

And there's still my mind, full of random thoughts on a variety of subjects, churning along trying to figure out how to incorporate my thoughts on my discussions with Ace and with my dad earlier today. There was lots of talking about my past, about my mom, about my siblings, and it's all just needs to be put into the right spots. There's new information that's being processed and old information that needs to settle back down.

However, I'm choosing instead right now to look at this coming year and see the good things that are waiting for me. Things like moving out of my in-laws house, getting a new laptop, and starting to pay off debts. More chances to get pregnant, or to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. There are new books for me to read and a book to write. 2011 is just getting started, and I think the future is looking bright.

Notes from a Tired Person

Okay people, my sleep schedule is all crazy and has been since Christmas. I sleep at night still, but it's not been quite straight through. I think I miss Ace being there, snoring next to me.

It doesn't help that I've suddenly decided that I need naps in the afternoon too. Sometime between 2 and 6, my body tells me that I have no energy and my eyes feel heavy. I'm exhausted and stuff. Except if I lay down in the bed. Then I wake up totally.

I doubt it helps that I'm feeling cool most of the time while I'm here too. At night and when I first get up the next morning, I feel comfortable, but otherwise I'm fairly cool, which apparently makes me sleepy.

And it doesn't seem to matter how late I stay in bed, drifting between awake and asleep. My body is just worn out about halfway through the day. It's funny to me, because otherwise I'm feeling fairly fine and had the energy earlier to help put away the Christmas decorations. I guess I'll wait and see if this is all because Ace isn't here or if this is an indication of something bigger.

A Christmas Tale

Today, I come to wish you a belated Merry Christmas and to offer you a tale of why the Christmas wish is belated.

On Christmas Eve, the internet access at my in-laws house started seeming spotty throughout the day. We had problems with websites not wanting to come up until the page was refreshed and not showing all the pictures that they were supposed to when they did start coming up.

Around 8 p.m., Ace called the internet service provider to find out if the problems were because of issues with them. The internet worked fine on Ace's computer when it was linked straight to the modem, so it wasn't the problems obviously weren't based on their end. The router for the house was messing up.

After Ace finished up the call, he reset the router to see if that would fix it. Instead, we completely lost any access to the internet through the router. It was, for all intents and purposes, dead. So, Ace and I tried to go buy a new router for the house, but Walmart was already closed for Christmas. We would have to survive the rest of Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day with no internet connection except on our phones (and we had to unplug the router for that to work).

Yesterday, we came to visit my dad and step-mom. I'm enjoying my time with my family. I am overeating extremely good smoked turkey and smoked ham (okay, not really overeating, just not eating quite enough veggies to go with the meat). I'm reading on books that I got for Christmas (I got 14 books and a fleece blanket from my dad and step-mom or my grandma). Basically, I've been too distracted since I got here to remember to post. I also forgot to send Ace an e-mail with some links like I promised to before we got here until an hour ago.

Maybe, after I've calmed down about it, I'll share what my single bother-in-law did on Christmas Day to piss me off so much. Or maybe I'll just move on with my life. I'm undecided at this point.

A Christmas Vacation

Lately, I've been whiny and annoying, at least I have in my own opinion. I'm getting annoyed by stupid stuff and when I'm not whiny, I'm horny or I'm clingy.

Ace and I both need a break from this erratic behavior. So, I'm going to spend the better part of a week with my dad and step-mom in NW Arkansas, while Ace spends that time in Tulsa, working on work stuff. Ace is going to go visit my dad and step-mom for the day on the 26th (for Christmas celebration) and then come back to celebrate the New Year with us on the 31st. I'm going to just stay and enjoy some quality time with MY family.

The hope is that this mini-vacation from my in-laws will be enough to help me get back to a calm place until we can finally move out of here. It's also been a while since I've gotten to spend more than a few hours with my family and gotten to talk and interact without having something else on my mind.

Nicely, I've asked for a bunch of books for Christmas, so I'll be able to read those. I'm also taking my laptop, so I'll have an opportunity to keep up with things happening online. I will be able to text Ace from my phone, and we can obviously talk to each other too. So, while we'll be apart for 5 days, we'll still be able to communicate with each other. This will be the longest we've been apart since we've gotten married.

I'm not particularly worried about what my in-laws will say about this. They aren't being told that I'm taking this trip to get away from them, just that I'm going to spend time with my family (both are true). They'll think whatever they are going to think about my spending time away from Ace. But he and I know the truth, which is the important thing.

So, for now, I'll wait for 5 days to pass. I've got a few things to do between now and then anyway. Laundry to wash, bags to pack, Christmas with the in-laws to celebrate.

*Blink, Blink*

The other day, Ace had a conversation with my mother-in-law about a lamp that sits in the living room. It's always left on, for light for my father-in-law to see by when he goes out to the living room before he leaves for work. The last light bulb burnt out while they were on their trip to Dallas. This is, from my memory, their conversation:

Ace: You might think about replacing that lamp. It seems to burn through bulbs a little too fast.

MIL: Yeah, I know. But it didn't use to do that.

Ace and I thinking: That's why you should replace it. Because it's obviously not working like it used to.

The lamp has burned through 4 or 5 light bulbs minimum since we moved here in April. It's already been commented on as unusually often.

The lamp is still there, and probably won't be gotten rid of when it does finally get replaced.

Baby Talk

Ace and I have lots of conversations about babies, something that should surprise nobody. The other day, we were talking about whether we want a boy or a girl first, when I get pregnant.

I personally don't care one way or the other which we have. I'd be happy with either. Ace wants a girl. And that makes me smile. I mentioned that there are a lot of guys who want a boy to carry on the family name. Ace doesn't care about that.

Is it any wonder why I love this man? He wants a girl to spoil/protect/raise. I'm certain that if we have a boy, he won't mind. He'll love a son as much as he would a daughter. He's just looking forward to having a girl at this point. And that is something special.

Send Food

My mother-in-law is trying to starve me, or at least she doesn't believe me when I've said I don't like greasy food. The last two meals offered by my in-laws: KFC (extra crispy and original fried chicken, potato wedges, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob) and fish filets (fried fish, baked french fries, pork and beans, and fruit salad).

I would love a bag of salad (lettuce, carrot, and cabbage) and some salad dressing (Hidden Valley Ranch, preferably, but Italian will do too). I'm craving a red delicious apple. I dream of eating yogurt on a regular basis again. I spend half my days living on animal crackers, pudding, and goldfish crackers.

Please, somebody, send some healthy food STAT!

Surprise Reaction

I read through the library book on how to be a successful adoptive parent. I've got a list of websites to check out and a few more books to potentially read. And I have a better understanding of how adopted children feel and react, at least on some minor level.

But the part that hit me hard was how I reacted emotionally to the book. There were things that are important to know if you ever want to adopt that showed me that I'm not ready to adopt yet. I'm not quite ready to deal with problems that come with adoption when I'm still trying to get past a few of my own issues that are eerily similar.

I spent half the book trying to figure out if I'll ever be ready to help a child adjust to the fact that they were (sort of) rejected by their birth parents in order for me to even have the option of raising them. It seems overwhelming. I spent the other half of the book trying to figure out how to move past my own rejection issues that my mom raised by never seeming to figure out how to express her approval of me (if she had any). How do I help someone start to piece their life back together when I'm not finished with that project myself?

I've been feeling an odd mix of emotions since reading this book. My in-laws seem more annoying and demanding which causes me to want to push them away. Ace seems busy with stuff and I just want to hold him close for a while. It's crowded in my head and I can't quite turn off the voices telling me that I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this, even though it's been something I've already wanted to do for 10 years.

So, I sit and I try to distract myself some. Christmas specials help with that. I try to let my subconscious sort through everything and come up with something definitive. I remind myself that I'm not trying to adopt right now, so it's okay that I'm not ready emotionally yet. I wait and I breathe. And I let God and time work on the unexpectedly reopened wounds. I hug Ace a bit more often and find funny things to cheer myself up when I can. I allow myself the mental space to work on other things. I look to the future with joy, despite my uncertainty. I learn and I grow. I become a better person, which will make me a better parent when the time is right. I let go of anger and deal with the pain as best I can. I forgive and forgive and forgive until my emotions catch up with the process.

And I start reading another book, on something different, to give myself something else to think about and figure out and grow from. Because that's what this time is for, this time before children. And I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Even When They're Not Here!

I'm still alive and well. I've been distracted with World of Warcraft lately. Well, that and trying not to just complain about my in-laws.

My mother-in-law decided that we need to eat off the Christmas plates through most of December. This wouldn't be a big deal, but the Christmas plates have gold on the edges, so they can't be put in the microwave. Which is how most of the food around here gets cooked when we are individually feeding ourselves (which we have been all week, because the table is too covered with stuff from some other "vitally important" task my mother-in-law deiced to do but couldn't do in just one day). But she'd prefer it if we didn't use the microwave safe plates (from the old set of dishes, which still aren't packed up yet) so that way they'll be clean for when she does pack them up.

Then, yesterday, Ace was trying to help get the house warm enough for me to not have to wear my hoodie to feel comfortable (or long sleeves, if I don't want to). My mother-in-law noticed that she was feeling hot, but since no one wanted to actually say that it's just her (I figured that me sitting in a hoodie made it obvious that I wasn't hot) she would turn on the a/c. Shortly before they were going to leave to go to Dallas for 2 days. And just leave it on, because as long as she's comfortable who cares that I'm freezing?

I am fighting off a desire to be petty and break one of her Christmas plates. It would only make me feel marginally better for a few minutes before I felt bad about doing something so childish and immature. I'm just feeling a bit at the end of my rope here. My life, such as it currently is, seems to revolve around making my mother-in-law satisfied, even if it means I'm feeling frustrated and emotionally injured, because that's how things happen in this house. I'm getting emotional flashbacks to living with my mother, something I shouldn't have to put up with. None of this is fair or right or just or anything that indicates that I should have to live with it. But I'm supposed to not rock the boat, because then I'll be a good daughter-in-law. And I'm not sure I can do much more to not rock the boat.

It's frustrating that even when my in-laws are out of town they can still do something annoying. It's frustrating that my mother-in-law is so selfish all the time and doesn't see it. It's frustrating to feel so powerless and so stuck, waiting for things to change. It's probably not healthy living with all this frustration either.

I'm going to go. I'm going to focus on the positive that I get time with Ace right now with no one else around. And I may take a nap, because I'm tired. But mainly, I've run out of things to say.

Let's Talk About Adoption

Ace and I aren't talking about us adopting a child at this point. We're not ready to meet all the criteria for someone to be willing to let us raise a child (I know they want you to support yourself and have enough funds to support a child before they hand over a kid). That doesn't mean that I'm not reading up on adoption though.

My reasons are two fold. One, I want to adopt someday and I want to have the knowledge of how the process works and what to expect when raising an adopted child. Especially since I'm not talking about adopting a baby, but want to adopt a slightly older child, which adds to potential problems. Two, my book includes a guy who has adopted, so I need to be knowledgeable about how that happens to make my book realistic.

I originally got interested in learning more about adoption after finding out/understanding that my dad is adopted (it wasn't a big secret, I just didn't really understand what that meant for a long time). My grandmother adopted him when he was 3 days old. In college, I did a research paper on adoption, because the subject interested me. I talked with someone on campus who adopted. Interestingly for me, he had questions about my view of adoption, seeing as I was the child of an adoptee. Mostly he wondered if I wondered about my biological grandparents. To be honest, until he asked I hadn't really thought about them, but after that I was slightly curious (not curious enough to do anything about it, just curious enough to wonder).

I do think that my grandmother's decision to adopt has helped me make a similar decision. It showed me, in a very understated way, that a person could choose to love someone, that families come together in more than just one way. I love my grandmother, and I know that she loves me. But the connection we have to each other is one that was chosen, because it's not one that's based on DNA.

I won't compare my grandmothers' affections towards me, as that would be unfair to both of them. My mom's mom had 7 children. To her, I'm one of many grandchildren (at least 14, and now there are many great-grandchildren in the picture). To my dad's mom, I'm one of 3 grandchildren and I was the only one for a long time. I'm special, because she helped take care of me when I was still in diapers. She helped raise me, to a degree. And for a little while, it looked like I'd be her only grandchild. But they both love me. And that is what is truly important in my life.

I don't know quite where I'm going with all of this. I may never fully figure it all out. I just know that someday, I plan on adopting a child. I'm not sure if I would have ever decided that without my grandmother doing it first. But she did and I do. And now I'm going to go read about adoption.

Decision 2010

Ace and I talked for a little while and came to a decision about Christmas. We're skipping visiting my extended family in OKC this year. I'm not ready, and I'm not sure when I will be. Christmas should be happy, not awkward and stressful (at least, as much as it can be).

I let my cousin know this, along with letting her know that I do want to see my extended family sometime. She wasn't surprised, but she did let me know that she plans on continuing to ask me even if my answer doesn't change. She wants me to know that I'm wanted, which is what I truly got from her original message. It's nice to have someone in my extended family understand me.

It reminded me that I'm loved and missed, by people who haven't seen me in 4 years. That they still care, even if some of them couldn't show it earlier this year (because of other obligations/prior plans). It is a good reminder.

Other than that, the biggest thing happening around here is the continuation of the thermostat war. My mother-in-law turned on the a/c two days in a row for no overly obvious reason. If she was starting to get hot, there are fans she could have turned on (with less moving around on her part). I'm just happy that it's been decent temperatures outside for December (especially when my car doesn't have a fully working heater). However, even Ace thinks it's ridiculous to turn on the a/c when the weather isn't getting over 70 (highs have been in the lower 60s). I think she's trying to freeze me, which goes along with her trying to starve me as ways she's trying to either kill me or get me to leave. This woman keeps claiming she wants grandchildren, but she's fighting the possibility of that happening every step of the way while we're living here.

Soon, we will be on our own again. Next week/weekend (we're not sure exactly when or how long at this point), the in-laws are going out of town on a business/pleasure trip (business for father-in-law, then pleasure for both after his business is concluded). So, very soon, Ace and I will have some time alone. There's already been talk of Chinese food to celebrate.

And now, I must go to bed, as it's 2 a.m. and I have plans tomorrow morning.

Annoyance

My mother-in-law is annoying me. It's probably not 100% her fault, after all I've been easier to irritate lately and my mind has been trying to solve 3 different things all at once. But she's annoying me none-the-less.

It started Thanksgiving day. My mother-in-law got a new set of dishes, which would be no big deal if she had Ace and I help her pack the old ones away before she started using the new ones. But she didn't. The new dishes apparently made their debut at the dinner we missed.

She's packing up the old dishes now (or at least moving them out of the cabinets and on top of whatever is covering the counters near where they were), although I have no clue where they are going (not with us when we move, I want to pick my own dishes out thanks).

At dinner, she asked Ace if he and I would help find the Christmas tree and the Christmas dishes soon. Because more dishes added to the mess that is this house will help (Send help, I'm starting to abuse sarcasm!) (uhh... we have a few weeks before they need to be washed for their one day of use before being washed and packed back up again for another year). And because we'll be bringing the tree down, we'll have to clear space for it in the living room and probably decorate it too.

Normally, I don't mind decorating a Christmas tree (Ace does, but I kind of enjoy decorating the tree when I'm in charge of it), but having to clear stuff out to make room for one is annoying me as much as my mother-in-law's desire to have all these sets of dishes cluttering up the small amount of space that's available in the house.

My only salvation is that this weekend Ace and I have plans and next weekend, my in-laws will be out of town. I will have some alone time with my husband while they are gone. I can, hopefully, de-stress and get in the Christmas spirit.

In the mean time, I'm just going to work on not breaking dishes out of frustration while wondering why there is so much crap in this house. The dishes haven't done anything wrong.

Day 30

Today, I'm thankful for one of my cousins (a particular one).

I have mentioned, sometime in the past, that I have lots of cousins, mostly female. This means several things: a cousin of mine seems to be pregnant most of the time, given that I have less contact with my cousins than most of them have with each other I feel left out of most family things, and if I talk about one of my cousins in two different posts I'm likely talking about two different cousins.

One of my cousins sent me a message on FaceBook earlier, inviting me to Christmas. She's trying to organize my mom's family's Christmas, and she wanted to let me know that they would love to see me. She also wanted to let me know that she understands why I've stayed away. It's meant a lot that someone close to my age is actually reaching out, most of my extended family hasn't reached out.

It was an invitation extended without any demand for anything other than a response on if I'd be willing to come. Someone offering an olive branch of peace and a reminder that at least some of my extended family would love to see me.

I haven't decided yet on if I'll go. I need to think about it for a little bit first. I need to figure out if it's a situation I think I can handle emotionally. But the fact that someone, other than an aunt who bruised our relationship, asked means the world to me. It helps me to feel that me reaching out earlier this year has brought about some kind of bigger positive response. It would be nice to see those who I know care about me. I don't want to take too long on this decision, because there are other things that are decided based on my decision, but I also want to make sure I make the right choice for me.

My cousin gave me something that warmed my heart and helped heal some of the hurt that this year has brought. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 29

Today, I am thankful for World of Warcraft.

Ace and I play a lot of WoW. We spent most of the weekend playing WoW, since he wasn't working. It's a game that I don't play nearly as much as Ace does, but it is something we do together.

Day 28

Today, I am thankful for Anthony Bourdain.

I have already professed my admiration for Mr. Bourdain. I've expressed how he makes me want to be more adventurous with my eating. Right now, I am thankful for his book about his show No Reservations.

After reading a book full of words and comparisons on meanings of words, I'm thankful for his book. There are a lot of pictures from his travels around the globe. The pictures are wonderful, and I would love to buy this book just to look at the pictures and dream of seeing these places in person.

But after a wordy book (I will confess, I chose the other book and greatly enjoyed it), it's nice to read a book that gives Tony's thoughts on a country and then shows me lots of pictures (with explanations). There are just the right amount of words to help cleanse my mental palate before delving back into the library for more books sometime later in the week.

Tony, or Mr. Bourdain (whichever you prefer), you've done such a great job writing this that I can hear you narrating it in my head as I read. I only wish that it covered more than just the first 3 years of your show. I can only hope that sometime, in the future, you will put out another similar book about more of the world. But if not, I'll be content with what you have shared.

And now I must go to bed, as it is late (roughly 2:30 in the morning) and my body has been demanding more sleep since I got up.

Day 27

Today, I am thankful for YouTube.

YouTube has provided me with hours of entertainment, listening to music. In fact, if I don't have some song I like on my iPod (and there are a lot I don't), I'll look for it on YouTube. I'll look for songs I do have on YouTube too (if I'm already searching for something else.

I also appreciate watching celebrities from the 40s and 50s on What's My Line on YouTube. I realize that most of the celebrities are dead or no longer working, but it's fascinating to see how they try to disguise their voices.

YouTube is just a fun site for me to go spend time, so I'm thankful that someone (or a group of someones) made the site. Thanks for all the fun!

Day 26

Today, I am thankful that soon Ace and I will have our own place.

I am ready to be out of my in-laws house. I've been ready to be out since we moved in. I am trying to be patient, but I'm ready to go.

But, soon, we will be out of here and on our own. And that's something to look forward to.

Day 25

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, I am thankful for smoked turkey.

Today, I am making a day trip to see my dad and step-mother. My dad smokes a turkey for Thanksgiving (he smokes a turkey and a ham for Christmas, but that's not for a month). It's wonderful.

And now, I must go to bed, so that way I'll be closer to eating smoked turkey. Enjoy your holiday!

Day 24

Today, I am thankful for my step-mother.

I don't talk about my step-mother much, except when talking about my dad. And that's a shame, because she's a special woman.

I met my step-mother the weekend before I graduated from high school. I don't really remember meeting her the first day we met, because I don't really remember much about that day (I was busy thinking about graduation stuff, I imagine). I remember that my first impression wasn't favorable, but it wasn't her fault. I'm pretty sure that at the time, I wouldn't have liked anyone my dad was bringing with him.

But, shortly after I graduated from high school, I got to spend some time with her (2 weeks). I started to get to know her. I think she was nervous about me coming there, as my brother and sister had started to slightly warm up to her right before I got there, but then they almost stepped backwards in any affection until they saw how I reacted to her.

She has treated me kindly ever since I've known her. She's given her love to my siblings and I, and to Ace too. She's never said anything mean, even when I have lashed out in pain (for which I've apologized). She's one of the best cooks I've ever met and she tries to make everyone feel at home in her house.

She's shown incredible patience with my brother and his rambling narrative on his video games, listening (or faking it well) for hours without telling him to shut up (something my sister and I have done). She's tried to give him extra attention, to a degree, since it's obvious that it's been something he's lacked.

My step-mother has made my father happy. If that was all she had done, besides being fairly easy to get along with, I'd love her and be thankful for her being in his life. But, she's also tried to fill some holes in the lives of her step-children where she can.

My step-mother, who doesn't have any natural children of her own, sees her step-children as her children. And I'm happy to call her one of my parents. She doesn't feel a need to add the word step to her relationship with us, and I only add it out of habit.

Day 23

Today, I am thankful that all the relatives I travel to see live within driving distance.

I'm happy to not have to go through airport security. I'm happy that even from Springfield, the drive to Tulsa and NW Arkansas is bearable. That we could drive to OKC from Springfield if needed, with a stop to stretch on the way.

Of course, living in Tulsa currently, the drive to Tulsa anywhere in/around Tulsa is short (10 to 15 minutes, in general). In roughly 2 hours, I can be at my dad's house or visiting my sister in OKC. We can make day trips to either one. And 2 hours alone with Ace is nice.

We have no question that one of us will be screened or patted down by driving. There are no screaming babies or kids kicking our seats (at least, none yet). We can leave our cell phones on and use other electronic devices (such as an iPod). If I take my shoes off, it's because I want to, not because I need to let them get x-rayed.

It's nice to know that we live close enough to drive, that flying would actually take us longer than driving. It's nice to know that our only delays are the ones we make for ourselves. Our privacy isn't invaded. No one checks our luggage/pats us down/x-rays us. We can buy whatever we want to drink from wherever we want to. And at the end of our trip, I'm not exhausted just from getting through the airports, so I can enjoy spending time with family or I can enjoy being home again.

So, I'm thankful for being within driving distance of my family. Because right now, the idea of flying somewhere isn't appealing.

Day 22

Today, I am thankful for naps, as I'm fairly sure I'm going to need one today.

Last night, I stayed up too late. I got caught up reading stuff online and found that it was way later than I expected. I got up to go to bed and realized that I was hot, so I stripped down before climbing into my bed.

Unfortunately for me, I have to be just right temperature wise to go to sleep, so sleep took a while in coming. Eventually, the fan (that was already on) cooled me off enough for me to sleep.

Roughly 2 hours later, I woke up feeling cold. I had to get up and get dressed in order to go back to sleep. I also turned the fan down so it wasn't moving quite as much air.

30 minutes before my alarm went off, I woke up cold again. I put a blanket on top of me and dozed for the next 45 minutes (I slept in, partially because I didn't want to get out from under my nice warm blanket).

And now, I think I may go take that nap I'm already thankful for. The bed is calling me, loudly, and I don't think I want to resist.

Day 21

Today, I am thankful for my sister.

Since Thanksgiving is coming up, I'm thinking of my family lately. Especially my sister. My sister has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen. I've seen her give of herself when she didn't have to. She offered to help Ace and I last year when we had our big, unplanned move (in order to let us keep a few more things than just what we could fit in our car).

This offer was after picking me up and then dropping me back off at my old house so that all three of us siblings could go see our dad to see that he was fine after his accident (she dropped me off and then drove back to Tulsa from OKC the next morning after probably not enough sleep). This was a trip that she coordinated. She offered to let me sleep on the one free bed available when we got there too.

I wish she and I could spend more time with each other. We love each other dearly. I know that we get along so much better now that we no longer live together (especially since we don't share a room). We miss each other and both wish we lived closer together. My sister shows me what kind of person I could be, if I would just stop focusing on myself so much. She's one of my heroes, even though she's 10 years younger than I am.

One of my favorite pictures of my sister and I is from when she was 2 and I was 12. We're playing doctor. I'm all dressed up in a dress (probably for church) and she's still in her nightgown. There's a glare or something, it's hard to determine what without the physical picture. The picture isn't perfect, but it's just such a sweet moment in time. It's two sisters, despite their age gap, playing together. It's something I wish I remembered from back then. I wish I knew what happened next.

Day 20

Today, I am thankful for sex.

Ace and I don't get to have sex as much as we'd like. We are ready to be on our own, for the sake of our sex life if nothing else.

But when we do have sex, it's wonderful.

Day 19

Today, I am thankful for my new pillow.

Ace and I had been using pillows my in-laws had (fairly old pillows) since we moved in here in April. Recently, we decided that we could treat ourselves to new pillows (ones we'll probably take with us when we move out).

It's nice to have a pillow that's only been mine again. Ace and I, in our rush to move, forgot to grab our pillows (We kept the mattress, forgot the pillows. True story.). Before we bought these pillows, it had been over a year of using other people's pillows.

My pillow is a memory foam pillow. Our mattress, the one waiting in my dad's garage for us to come claim again, is a memory foam mattress. I miss our mattress and am glad that I can at least have a pillow similar to the one I lost last year. It's a small piece of starting to fully put my life back on track.

Day 18

Today, I am thankful for blankets.

My in-laws and I seem to be having a war over the thermostat. I keep turning the heat back on (because I'm cold) and they keep turning the heat to off or, worse, turn the a/c on. Most of my external heat is coming from wearing my hoodie and keeping covered with a blanket.

Have I mentioned that I'm looking forward to moving out of here? Because I am so ready to be out of here again. I'm ready to be able to know that the temperature will stay within a few degrees and that my body won't keep telling me that I'm freezing.

And after Thanksgiving (hopefully), I'll be even more thankful for blankets since I'll have my thickest, warmest blanket back.

Day 17

Today, I am thankful for good manners.

Actually, today I am thankful that I have such good manners, because otherwise I'd be saying extremely inappropriate things/throwing things a lot this month.

I'm not sure why, but everything seems to be getting on my nerves lately. My in-laws watching TV louder than I'd like, I'm trying to refrain from rolling my eyes and throwing something. Ace wants us to do something that deviates from my plan and I'm trying to remind myself that I love him and he's not really annoying.

I think my hormones have gone nuts again. Or there's something up with the food my mother-in-law is making and serving that is seriously jacking with me. There's something off, and the only reason I can tell is that I'm annoyed at things that don't normally bother me.

Nicely, I have good manners. They are what's truly helping me keep my mouth shut. They are keeping me from doing or saying something I'll regret. And for that, I am thankful.

Day 16

Today, I am thankful for laughter.

Ace and I had a stressful, long, one-thing-too-many kind of day Monday. It didn't seem to want to be on our side. Everything seemed too much, too loud, too big to effectively deal with.

But I've spent some time finding things to laugh about. Things to help me feel like I can make it through this week and this month and the rest of this year. The laughter helped me drop some of the weight that I seemed to be carrying. It soaked into my mind and left me feeling better about life.

I may have felt like a few things were too much at one point, but it was just a point in time. It passed and things, while not necessarily tons brighter, are livable. I don't know what the day might bring, but I know that I can handle it. And that makes all the difference.

Day 15

Today, I am thankful for chocolate.

Chocolate is one of those bright things in my daily life. Ace and I keep some chocolate on hand, and have for a while. It helps make living with my in-laws more bearable. It helps lift me up when I'm feeling blue.

Yep, thankful for chocolate.

Day 14

Two weeks into this month and I'm still finding things to be thankful for, something that doesn't surprise me in the least.

Today, I'm thankful for access to a hot tub.

Sometimes, my back hurts. It gets worse when I play World of Warcraft all day long (something I rarely do, a fact that Ace mourns some days). I need to get a better, more supportive chair/seat. Since that isn't an option today, I need something that will help alleviate pain.

I will admit, I took pain killers in addition to getting in the hot tub. I needed more relief that just hot water could provide. I'm still extremely grateful that I have access to a hot tub. It is one of the perks of living with my in-laws (one of the few).

And now, I'm going to go lay back down. Sleep is calling me and I have no reason to stay up. Hopefully a good night's sleep will finish helping my back feel better.

Day 13

Today, I am thankful for emotional releases.

An odd combination of things led me to an emotional breakdown a little while ago. I cried, sobbed really, for a few minutes. Ace was concerned and slightly annoyed at the timing of my emotional outburst (he was doing something semi-important and my crying was distracting).

Once he finished what he was doing, he came and cuddled with me. He allowed me to talk for a bit, to explain my emotions and why they had popped up. He tried to get me to laugh. He said supportive things. He hugged my legs (the only part he could easily get to). He showed tons of patience and understanding. He let me express my pent up pain and helped me build myself back up again.

In the end, I felt better. My emotions had been cleared up quite a bit and the pain of dealing with them was minimized by having someone who cares so much being there to support me. He reminded me again why I feel he'll be a great dad. He pulled me through my emotional release much more quickly than I would have on my own.

But, I'm thankful for the emotional release, because I needed to deal with those emotions. I needed to confront my feelings on a situation that happened in July so that it won't haunt me for years. I needed to give myself some closure on some things that have been waiting for roughly 4 years now. I needed to cry to help wash out my emotional wounds and let them start healing. It's time to start moving forward in my life again.

Day 12

Today, I am thankful for my dad getting a job again!

My dad was given an opportunity to explore new horizons in the extremely early part of this year (February or March, I think). He's been looking for a job ever since. He got called earlier this week with a job offer.

He found a job that will allow him to continue to live in his current house. He starts his job next week. He'll be able to finish up his degree where he's currently going to school too (I'm pretty sure he's getting his master's degree).

We are excited and celebrating the fact that my dad, who has probably been driving my step-mom a little crazy most of this year, will be working again. He's the kind of guy who will continue working as long as he can, because he likes to work. Hopefully, his new job will be perfect for him.

Day 11 Part 2

Today, I am also thankful for our veterans.

I will always support our men and women in uniform. They join the military, knowing that they may have to give their lives to keep us free.

Thank you, veterans and current military people. Thank you for your service for me and my family. Thank you families of veterans and current military people. Thank you all for your sacrifice.

Day 11

Today, I am thankful for belated birthday gifts.

My card from my grandmother arrived. She packed it in a box and sent a stuffed pig with it (I like pigs, especially cute stuffed ones).

In my birthday card was some birthday money too. I've now had 3 different birthday dinners and 3 different people give me the exact same dollar amount for my birthday. Turning 30 has been profitable for me.

I'm not fully sure what Ace and I will do with my birthday money (I'm thinking possibly dress shirts for Ace for work, but I haven't mentioned it to him yet). I do know that this was something that touched my heart and I need to spend a bit more time on the phone with my grandmother later since I have briefly talked with her to thank her for her generosity and the phone call wasn't nearly enough to express my appreciation or to talk with her about anything.

But today, I'm celebrating mentally getting a belated birthday greeting and the love shown in the thoughtfulness of the gift given.

Day 10

Today, I am thankful for nudity.

After we move (January, I'm waiting somewhat impatiently for you), I'll get a lot more nudity in my life. I'll get to control the thermostat, so I can get it warm enough to walk around in my underwear and an undershirt if I want to.

I'm not particularly in love with being nude, but the lack of an ability to freely move about our current location in whatever I happen to be wearing is starting to grate on my nerves some. Soon, I'll be able to walk around naked if I want and that thrills me.

Come on, January. I'm ready to move already!

Day 9

Today I am thankful for my laptop.

Without my current laptop, even as inadequate as it is, I wouldn't be able to get online. I wouldn't be able to read blogs, play WoW, or write posts for NaBloPoMo. Without my computer, I'd be frustrated with little to do to entertain myself between the time Ace's goes to bed and the time I go to bed.

I may want a new laptop, I may have needed one for a while now, but I do appreciate the one I currently have. It's much better than nothing.

Day 8

Today, I am thankful for Midol.

Cramps suck! Midol helps.

Note: Midol is not paying me in either money or Midol to say their product works. In fact, I have to pay to use their product. This also sucks, except for the fact that their product does work and I stop hurting, so I'm not too upset about it. I just though I'd make it clear that Midol isn't paying me anything.

Day 7

Today, I am thankful for Ace.

He helps take care of me when I feel bad (right now, my sinuses aren't fully sure they want to allow oxygen in through my nose seemingly because it's cold). He makes me soup and hot chocolate and is all caring about making sure I'm doing well and starting to feel better.

He makes me laugh, even when I feel like crying (even when he's the one who made me feel like crying). He brightens my day. He talks in silly accents randomly, just to make me laugh. He works good paying jobs so I can be a housewife.

He listens to me when I need to talk and even normally listens when I start babbling. He teases, but will back off quickly when he can see it's not getting the desired response of a smile. He puts up with my quirks well most of the time, and encourages me to be a better person.

He's perfect for me and I wouldn't trade him for anyone else. He's my other half. He understands me better than anyone else, I'm fairly sure. He's seen me looking my worst and still finds me extremely attractive. He's the kind of spouse I know I should be more often, and the kind of man who will be a wonderful father.

I love you, Ace. Thanks for being MY husband.

Day 6

Today, I am thankful for God.

I originally intended to wait until day 7 for saying that I am thankful for God, but it seems somewhat appropriate to appreciate God on the Sabbath, even if I'm not Jewish.

God has been the one completely stable thing in my life. He has been with me from the beginning and will be with me. He helped me live through all the crap my mother said and all her insanity that I put up with for years. He brought me Ace at a time I desperately needed something good to start happening in my life. Since I've met Ace, I've had two stable influences.

God gave me strength when I started realizing that I probably needed to cut my mom out of my life. He gave me strength enough to actually cut her out about a year and a half later, when it was obvious that my mother could never give me her love and approval in any sort of recognizable way. He helped me patch my broken soul back together afterward when part of me wondered what was wrong with me that my own mother couldn't love me.

Since I've decided to leave the topic of my mother alone (seriously, I've poked at that tender area enough to realize that there was nothing healthy to be obtained by continuing to poke at it), God has been able to heal me even more. I can talk, briefly, about her without hurting. My mourning for the relationship I didn't have has passed and I'm just wondering why I held on to the relationship I did have for so long.

Through it all, the good times and the bad, God has been there for me. Even when I wasn't looking for him because I was too busy just trying to survive mentally intact. I can look back and see God's blessing on my life. I can look ahead and see what God's Word has promised me for my future.

I'm done looking back on my own life. There's nothing new to learn there. I'm looking ahead to God's promises and I'm moving toward them. And I know that God will be with me every step of my way. And for that, I am truly thankful.

Day 5

Today I am thankful for time with Ace.

Since Ace is working regularly now, I'm having to adjust to not having him around as much. It's been a few months since we've regularly had time apart like this. This change, while odd, is a good one to adjust to.

The time we now have apart makes our time together seem even more special, since there is less of it. It makes me appreciate him more when he is here, paying attention to me. It gives me an opportunity to miss him when he's gone. It helps keep me thinking of all his wonderful attributes. It makes it easier to overlook his shortcomings.

And when he gets extra time off, time neither of us was expecting him to have, it makes the day feel extra-special.

Day 4

Today I am thankful for sleep.

I will admit, this is not just something I am thankful for. After I mentioned my plan to be thankful for something unique each and every day for November, Ace suggested I be thankful for sleep.

He's right though. I am thankful for sleep. Even on those nights where I'm noticing insomnia, the nights that signal some emotional struggle coming on my horizon, I still appreciate getting to sleep. It's even more precious when I've been missing sleep for any of a variety of reasons.

Speaking of sleep, I should get some soon. See you tomorrow.

Day 3

Today, I am thankful for pleasant surprises in the mail.

Yesterday, Ace and I went to get our mail. This undertaking was made more difficult because of all the construction happening around Tulsa (How many different projects are they working on here?).

After Ace got our mail out of our box, he asked me if I had been expecting anything since I had suggested we go get our mail. I hadn't really, although my grandmother is supposed to be sending me a birthday card (or so I've been told).

It turns out I got a surprise piece of mail that made me smile.

Day 2

Today, the thing that I am thankful for is libraries.

I love to read. If I could, I'd happily spend all day reading/wandering around/shopping in a bookstore. I could find a book in almost every section of a store that I "need", and several in the humor and fiction sections. Since I'm not currently financial able to splurge on that kind of shopping spree (except in my dreams), I have to find ways to fulfill my reading habit for free. While the internet is great, as my many hours a day habit surfing it can attest, there is nothing quite like holding a book in my hands and reading it.

Tulsa's library system allows me to not only check out an extremely ridiculous amount of books at once (as I found out a few months ago, when I ended up with at least 8 books checked out all at once and I was trying to read them as quickly as possible), but they allow me to request a book be sent to my local library from anyone in the system for free. Apparently, for a very reasonable $1 a book fee, I can check out books from outside the Tulsa City-County library system too, although I'm not currently interested in finding any specific book enough to request that.

I currently have 3 books out of the library. Hershey: Milton S. Hershey's Extraordinary Life of Wealth, Empire, and Utopian Dreams (a biography of Milton S. Hershey of chocolate fame), The Men Who Stare at Goats (yep, a book on the same topic as the George Clooney movie that's based on a real government program), and The Picture of Dorian Gray (Do I need to tell you what this one is about? Google it, if you don't know!).

When I checked them out, I was sure I'd enjoy The Men Who Stare at Goats and The Picture of Dorian Gray, but I wasn't sure about Hershey. So far, Hershey is the only one I've read on (since I checked them out yesterday), but I'm greatly enjoying it. The author is mixing in a lot of history of the U.S./the world in with the biography so that it's easier to understand what events were surrounding Mr. Hershey's life and decisions. It's fascinating and I'm extremely glad I checked the book out.

I'm thankful for libraries. What are you thankful for?

Day 1

Today, I embark on a tradition that I have done 2 years before this. Today, I start posting everyday for a month.

If I was saner, I'd do this in February, when there are only 28 or 29 days (not much savings of time). Instead, I'm doing this in November, because while I have at least one novel to write, I'm not going to try to write it in just 30 days. I'm not that crazy.

In addition to making a determination to post every day in November, I've just decided to push myself into posting something different I'm thankful for each day, hopefully with an explanation added to why I'm thankful for each thing (but that's not going to be a guarantee, because I have a feeling there will be at least one day I'm thankful that I'll be moving soon).

For day one, I'm thankful for an idea to tie this whole month together. Normally my posts are random from day to day, so it'll be nice to focus on something here for more than a day or two. It'll also be nice to focus on the good things in my life for a while.

See you later.

Who Says I'm Fully Sane?

I'm doing NaBloPoMo again. It's crazy, because I've been ignoring this blog way more than I should this past year.

But I'm going to post everyday in November.

What am I thinking?

It Only Takes One

I went to turn the light on, but nothing happened. Well, there was a flash as the bulb turned on, but it went off just as quickly. The light bulb was burnt out.

I head to the pantry to find a new bulb, since there were light bulbs in the pantry the last time I looked for one. After a careful search, there were no light bulbs there any more.

I move back to the bedroom, to try moving some wires to see if that will magically fix the light bulb. It doesn't. Convinced that I must have just missed seeing them, I head back to the pantry to search once more. There were still no light bulbs to be found.

Just as I'm about to give up on finding light bulbs and will have to wait until Ace gets home to have an overhead light in my room, I decide to check the garage (I've pulled the old bulb out of the socket to throw away, but for some reason I am carrying it around). I don't really remember there being light bulbs there before, but one never knows where they might find a bulb.

I look around the garage. At first, I don't notice the light bulbs, but they soon catch my eye. Triumphantly, I grab the package and tear the plastic wrap surrounding them and pull out a bulb. I walk back into the house, carefully keeping the new bulb separated from the old bulb so I can tell them apart. I return to the socket, put in the bulb, pull the cord, and I have light!

So Far, 30 Rocks

I know, I've only been 30 for a day, but it has been so cool. Last night, my in-laws took me out to a nice dinner (I got to choose a restaurant). Dinner was nice, it was really relaxed. We all enjoyed our food. Then, we had cake (that my father-in-law baked and my mother-in-law iced) after my in-laws got home from church.

Tonight, Ace and I are going on a date (something I'm hoping gets to be a more regular thing from now). We're going out to another nice restaurant (that I've gotten to choose). We're spending the night in a hotel, so we can have some alone time. We're planning on getting me birthday cheesecake slices to celebrate my birthday.

Then, on Sunday, we're taking a day trip to visit my dad & step-mom. So, my birthday celebration seems to just be growing some.

And now I need to go, because I've got a hotel to go check into.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my 30th birthday.

Instead of focusing on the past, as I've done far too often, I'm going to focus on the future.

In the next few months, I expect that Ace and I will be living on our own again, and will stay that way. We've found apartments we like, they are reasonably priced, and they come with a washer and drier in the apartment (something that seems rare for apartments).

In the next year, I expect that Ace and I will get a second car and will fix our current car's electric and heater problems.

In the next year, I expect that Ace and I will probably be getting ready for a baby (because I am an optimist).

In the next year, I expect Ace and I will start paying off our debts. Even if we aren't fully out of debt in a year, we'll be in a much better position than we are now.

In the next few months, I expect a new laptop and a new one for Ace too. We've needed them for at least the last year.

So, there you go. Those are my expectations for the next year.

Flowing with the Waves

I'm starting to feel a little ridiculous. People are talking pregnancy and babies, which is great. I'm not feeling jealous, I'm just feeling happy for them.

And then the crash of sadness hits me because I'm just finishing up my period. And I'm turning 30 in less than a week. And I still don't have a baby in my arms. And, and, and...

It's frustrating on one hand because I still have plenty of years in which to have kids and I know this. On the other hand, I've got my biological clock ticking LOUDLY in my head and it doesn't seem to want to SHUT UP!

So, I'm trying to find a middle ground between joy for others and sadness for myself (something that isn't helpful). I'm letting those waves of emotions wash over me and letting them go. I am being patient, again, still.

I'm discovering how many things bring up a random, confusing swell of emotions. I'm letting the emotions flow like waves. I'm learning how to focus more on my goals and plans than on my current circumstances.

Strained

Dinner, which I have finished eating, but no one else has, has been strained tonight. Ace is frustrated because he cooked the main dish, but his mother didn't trust him enough to make sides to go with it. Ace is also frustrated because cooking dinner was sprang on him this afternoon with no time to mentally prep for it. Plus, his mother wasn't exactly tactful on how she started fixing side dishes.

My mother-in-law is upset because she assumes that Ace was only planning on putting some green beans as a side dish for steak and her blood sugar would dip too low throughout the night if that's the case (she's diabetic, so this is a concern, but she's not going to bed for several hours so she would have plenty of time to eat more food). Also, her blood sugar was low before we started eating (but didn't think about having some of the orange juice she's got in the fridge for these occasions).

I ate quickly and am now hiding in the bedroom to avoid the stress of any arguing going on out there. I'm also trying not to take it personally that the only person I see on a daily basis who seems to remember that my birthday is coming up is Ace. After all, it's only the same day as my in-laws only grandchild.

I don't think there is enough chocolate in this house to make this evening seem better right now. If only there were someone else we could be temporarily living with.

News Bites

Hey, everyone. I'm still alive over here, I've just been distracted with things lately (like trying to figure out how the next few months are going to go). Things are still up in the air a bit. So, in lieu of a normal post, I'm going to give you news bites.

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The count of dead mice found in various parts of this house is up to 3. I'm so ready to be out of here.

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Today, Ace and I went to the Tulsa State Fair. I find the name ironic, since Tulsa isn't a state. It was fun.

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Ace and I looked at an apartment complex this week. We really liked the apartments we saw and are thinking of moving in there after the new year. Unfortunately, that's farther out than I'd like it to be.

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Ace and I now have a TV sitting in our room. It's on the desk, between our monitors. I'm happy about this, but it's going to take some getting used to. The whole TV thing was my mother-in-law's idea, which was really nice of her.

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I've been playing lots of World of Warcraft lately, which is part of the reason I've been busy and not posting here.

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So, yeah. That's where things stand. Sorry the first thing on my news bites was so gross.

How Much Do You Share?

I'm thinking about what things to share with my future kids about my past. I'm wondering how much I should tell them about why I don't talk to my mother (if I'm still not talking to her). How much do I talk about depression and it's various appearances in my life? Do I try to describe how I feel when everything feels so hard to do, even making a sandwich? And how do you describe something like that?

Do I tell them of my weak moment a few years ago, where I considered doing something stupid and dangerous because it seemed better than just talking to my husband and admitting that I wasn't up for what he was asking me to do? Do I let them know that it's okay to find that idea scary, because I still find it scary today when I'm in a much better frame of mind?

Where do I draw the lines? Do I talk about why I've been reluctant to ask for professional help? Do I admit that a big problem is that society paints needing professional help as being weak or wrong and their mother doesn't want anyone to see her as weak? How do I let them know that this is a human failing, as is the avoidance of getting help?

I know they need to know that depression does run in my family, that if I suffer from it, even occasionally, that they could suffer from it too. I know they need to know that it's a good thing to get help, to get diagnosed, to not just suffer. I know that I need to be a good example by doing the same. I know that talking with someone would probably help my anxiety and stress levels too, especially since they are all likely related.

I know all this, but what I don't know is how much of my past am I supposed to share. How much do I say before I'm placing a burden on them instead of sharing information that they need to help their world make more sense? Where are the lines? Unfortunately, I don't think there is anyone who can tell me that. I'll have to figure it out as I go along.

But if you have some ideas as to where to start drawing some of those lines, won't you help me out?

Somedays Are a Struggle

I'm finding myself struggling lately to do basic things for myself (like eating lunch when Ace isn't here to help me find & fix something). I'm not quite sure why I'm struggling so much, but almost everything seems so big and hard that it's hard to convince myself to do much besides surf the internet all day.

And it's silly, because I know that we are getting so close to being back on our own. Ace has an interview this afternoon for a job selling houses for the builders. I'm not sure what all the job would require him to do (other than work weekends), but it's something he would enjoy and should pay enough for us to be on our own.

Even knowing this, it still seems so difficult to not spend time either at my laptop or curled up in bed with a book and an opportunity to nap. I'm not sure I want to talk to a psychiatrist, because I'd rather not have to be put on drugs. But a part of me is wondering if I might need them, because I know things aren't supposed to be this hard and I'm not supposed to be this tired all the time. I'm feeling grouchier lately too, finding it easy to get upset by Ace making innocent comments. I don't like what I'm seeing in myself and I want it to change, while at the same time wanting to shut the world out because it feels like that would be easier.

Somehow, I have a feeling easier would actually be worse for me in both the long run and the short term than just getting over myself and getting some help. I'm less than thrilled to say that any professional help will have to wait for a while, until other more urgent matters are taken care of first. Which does not mean that I plan on allowing myself to wallow in laziness, it just means I need somebody to push me to do what I know needs to be done.

Control and the Lack Thereof

I know I've been gone for 10 days (What have I been doing? Um, not much really. Fighting off depression some, playing lots of World of Warcraft, taking a day-trip to OKC, and realizing I should never watch any shows called Hoarders because they depress and overwhelm me), but I've not really had anything to say. Sometimes, there just isn't anything blog worthy going on in my life.

Ace and I talk, a lot. Yesterday, we talked about control, a subject that is somewhat hard to talk about, but is important none the less.

I had to admit that sometimes I feel bits of my fighting themselves. There's the control freak, who gets frustrated by the idea of giving up what little control I feel I have sometimes. A big part of my brain screams at me that it's wrong to let that control go and relax, because what if x or y or z happens? What will I do then?

On the other hand, I've got that part of me that feels like telling everyone and everything to go bother someone else about all this stuff. I'm not in charge, nor do I want to be. I want to relax and be stress-free for a while. And that's all well and good until the inner control freak starts freaking out that I'm giving up control.

I think we've come to the conclusion that I need to start giving up control of some things in a controlled environment (reading that sounds like I'm doing things backwards, but it's probably the best way to relax more). The situation is more about trusting that I can relax and give away some control and things will still be okay. It's hard to explain, without getting into details that I'd rather keep private, but it's important that I learn to let go.

If I can start letting go in one area, I can start letting go in another. Then I can reduce my stress levels significantly, and when I sleep at night I'll feel rested. I can't keep doing what I've done in the past and expect different results, so I need to change something.

Things I'm Grateful For

1. A husband who loves me enough to stop playing his game and cuddle with me.

2. An iPod full of good preaching.

3. Solving my mouse problem without spending more money.

4. Having access to a hot tub when I'm sore and hurting (or just wanting to get in a hot tub).

5. Knowing that God has a plan for me.

6. That my in-laws did get Ace and I shirts while they were on vacation.

7. Finding someone else who doesn't like watermelon (there are at least two of us now, and I'm not quite as weird as I once was).

8. Getting a chance to realize that my father-in-law is pretty decent in general, he's just frustrated with his wife most of the time (I think).

9. My father, step-mother, brother, and sister all love me.

10. Going to church again, even if it is just on Wednesdays for now (girl's got to have some alone time with her hubby). Especially when I hear a message I need to hear, even if my metaphorical toes are a little squished afterward.

11. Getting reminded that I need to see myself with God's eyes instead of my own (or my mother's).

12. Praise and worship.

13. That God rocks, even if my socks stay on.

14. That being grateful for one thing leads me to being grateful for something else, until I have a nice long list.

15. That I've gotten to do some amazing things in my life, including helping build 4 different church buildings, go on a cruise, and get married to an amazing man.

16. Inside jokes. (jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj) (No, I'm not explaining that joke today, that's why it's an inside joke.)

17. Having a husband that can make me laugh, even when I'm feeling like crying.

18. Having a husband who will hold me close when I'm crying.

19. Stories about kids that make me laugh and daydream about the day I'll have those same kind of stories.

20. Having a place to sort out my thoughts and share them with the world.

In Which a Line Is Thrown

I struggled the past few days. I've been fighting off depression and doubts about myself that had been creeping up on me while I had been distracted with something else. They are sneaky like that.

Anyway, I had been trying to go to some services of a conference at a local ministry the past few nights. I skipped Wednesday night, because I was busy fight off cramps and trying to find center emotionally (my period seems to have arrived a week early, I think). It wasn't a time for trying to focus on my spiritual side. Thursday, Ace and I went to the service, and I started crying twice before the actual service started. We left before the actual service started too, and I cried part of the way home. After we got home I cried some more, and then Ace and I talked and I started to feel better.

Friday, I wasn't sure I would make it through the service. Instead, I stayed home and watched it online (something I didn't think about doing on Wednesday). I managed to make it through the whole thing without crying, so I had hopes for Saturday night. I did realize that I needed to go Saturday, no matter what. So, Saturday comes and we go to the services. We got seated on the end of a pew (which was nice because I ducked out once to try to get my emotions back under control). I had clearly been remembered (Who would forget the one person carrying a throw pillow?), since I was asked if this seemed like it would work better for me. Over all, I did well. I only cried once and didn't bother anyone when I cried.

At the end of the service, I talked to some people who greatly helped me start feeling better about life in general. One of our friends offered to put us up in their home when/if we ever go down to visit them (they live in Mississippi). In fact, they said all we needed to do was pay for the gas to get down there, so we're hoping to make it down there sometime before the year is over. Then, we talked to another friend who obviously was extremely concerned about how I have been doing. She recommended some things and I'll be taking her advice to heart.

After probably floundering around emotionally, draining both my spiritual resources and my emotional ones, I finally have a line guiding me back to the shore. I have a feeling that I got exactly what I needed from the services tonight. It helped to be reminded how much God loves me, from multiple sources. I may not be where I want to be emotionally or spiritually (or physically) yet, but I now know how to get there from where I am at. And that makes all the difference.

Swept Away by the Tide

Despite Ace and I planning copious amounts of sex while his parents have been gone, it hasn't really happened. Mostly because we are both kind of lazy at times. Also, it's hard to get in the mood when there is a ton of stuff around. The abundance of TV channels hasn't helped either.

Instead, I've ended up on an emotional roller-coaster. I've been fighting off depression, or something equally bad, for most of the past week and a half. I'm wanting to just lay around and not do much. Starting my period today hasn't helped either.

I feel like I've been unexpectedly swept away by the tide of my emotions. I'm struggling, trying to find where the shore is again. It's difficult to hold on to any hope when this happens.

So, I'm going to try to hold on for now and wait for my hormones to calm back down some.

Metamorphosis

One of the things I love the most about reading my cousins' blogs is that they say things that make me think. They talk their way through their thought process and occasionally say something that spark a desire for me to come here and post something where I'm working my way through my thought process.

One of my cousins is struggling with transitioning mentally between being true to herself and being a mother. She's trying to figure all of it out and is wondering if anyone transitions to motherhood painlessly (not talking labor here, just going from being wife to wife and mother). I think she's fairly certain that no one does.

It's got me thinking. I'm not sure that the metamorphosis has to be painful, but I think that most women find themselves transitioning somewhat suddenly. There wasn't a lot of planning or waiting for their children. It seems that, for me at least, the idea of being a mother and transitioning into doing what needs to be done in that role are things that are longed for, even when I know that there are things that I won't love doing. The person/people I would be doing them for make it worth it.

I hesitate to say that I speak for anyone else. It seems, based on things I've read elsewhere, that my desires are not isolated to just me. But just because I feel this way doesn't mean everyone else does. I think that while my cousin is struggling with her transition, I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm being held back from mine. I guess these differences are the type of things that keeps the world interesting.

New Day, Old Tune

Earlier (like over 12 hours ago) I started talking about stuff that I've talked about before. Ace, while patient at first, eventually got to the point where he wanted me to stop focusing on negative stuff.

It seems I have a problem from time to time where I want to go back over stuff I can't do anything about and talk/complain/analyze it all over again as if I'll find something different than I've found in the past. It's stupid and pointless and something I'd talk to a therapist about if I had one, but I don't because they would probably want to start with having me rehash all my past that is better left alone.

Surprisingly, I am much less stressed, despite rehashing old stuff. It was kind of helped me to see what characteristics the important people in my life have and what characteristics just hold me back. I don't need to spend a lot of time around people who tell me what they think I should do about my relationship with my mother. They don't realize that I've already grieved for my losses there and am trying to move past the regrets that I have for letting her hurt me as long as I did. They don't know that I'm doing the best I can to protect me and my family.

I've told Ace more than once that part of me wishes my mother had been physically abusive instead of just emotionally abusive. If she had hit me, there would be a lot fewer people who would suggest I endure/recreate a relationship with her, because they would understand that physical abuse is wrong. Emotional abuse is just as bad though. There are no scars to show, but that doesn't mean there are no scars. Emotional abuse is harder to get past, because you need people building you up to undo the tearing down. It takes a long time to start feeling mostly whole, and I still have days where I see my flaws more clearly than my attributes. Healing seems to be an unending process.

I feel blessed to have found Ace. He's so supportive and caring. He's being more patient than he feels like while trying to let me sort through everything. He's doing good at not just telling me to get over it, even though there are times I'm sure he'd like to. He offers constructive criticism to help me become a better person and offers solutions instead of just pointing out the problems. I recognize that I'm blessed to have not fallen into the trap of dating/marrying an abusive man, potentially thinking that I deserved no better for myself. I recognize that I was blessed with a strong spirit, to not survive but thrive in life despite the bad times.

I'm rambling and rehashing stuff again. I should probably be in bed, asleep, instead of sitting on a couch and writing about all of this. But I'm not sure I'd have been able to sleep without trying to get my thoughts on these subjects organized in such a way that I can acknowledge those thoughts and dismiss them, either forever or for another time. Now that I've done that, I think I hear a bed calling me.

Later.