The Bad News

Earlier, Ace and I got some bad news about our car. The engine would have to be replaced for it to work again. Replacing the engine will probably cost more than the car is worth.

I cried, and felt foolish while I did. There have been too many pieces of bad news and stressful situations lately. My emotions have run the gamut of excitement to frustrated to angry in the past week and a half.

I don't know what Ace and I will do for a vehicle at this point. We haven't decided. I don't think it's fully sunk in that we will probably be getting a newer car. My brain keeps telling me that I'll walk outside and see our car sitting there waiting to take me somewhere. And then I remember that my car is currently in Stroud, OK and is probably waiting for me to come clean it out.

Ace has offered me chocolate and some cuddle time. It helped for a while, but I'm back to feeling upset about the whole situation. I'm trying to keep from saying that it's not fair, because I know that the world isn't really fair. The whining wouldn't do any good.

Please, somebody, give me some good news. I could use it.

Graduation Take 2

Now that my brain isn't quite as fried*, I can tell the story of how yesterday went.

*I make no promises that my brain isn't still fried, just that I'm doing better mentally than I was yesterday when I got home.

Ace and I set out toward OKC yesterday about 9 a.m. We had breakfast, that we were eating on the way, and a full tank of glass. About 10 miles from our exit from the turnpike, our water pump decided to break (unknown to us) and we had problems with our car getting overheated. We pulled over to the side of the turnpike, popped the hood of the car, and called my dad to let him know we were having problems.

My dad and step-mom had just been planning to drive by where the graduation was going to happen before meeting us for lunch. Instead, they stopped to buy some coolant (since we just thought the car had overheated) and rushed to rescue us. My step-mom took care of talking to my sister (who was also meeting us for lunch) and called me back to try to get a closer idea as to where we were.

After roughly half an hour, my dad and step-mom arrived. Nicely, we had the windows open to help create a nice breeze while we were waiting, so it wasn't too hot (people driving past at about 75 mph helps with moving air. While my dad and Ace tried to figure out of if the car was just overheated, I got in my dad's car with my step-mom. A tow-truck driver pulled over to see if he could help too. That's when it was determined that it was the water pump that broke.

After another 20 minutes, spent trying to figure out if we had roadside assistance already with our insurance, we were finally able to leave, Ace and my car locked and waiting for a tow-truck, and head to pick up some lunch before we got to the graduation.

The actual graduation was, well, fairly boring. Lots of random speeches that didn't really say much (okay, it was only 3, but it felt like a lot more). Graduating seniors who behaved themselves. Parents/families/friends who couldn't keep from making a spectacle of themselves by cheering/blowing air horns/making lots of noise. Not that the parents/families/friends were quiet for anything other than the Star Spangled Banner.

Afterwards, there were plenty of pictures taken of/with my brother. My mom oddly thanked me for coming to watch my brother graduate (it was odd, because why wouldn't I?). There was a brief trip over to the high school to try to recreate a picture from around the time that I graduated.

After that, my dad drove Ace and I back to Tulsa before heading back to OKC for one more night there. My step-mom stayed with my siblings, which was great since she is still recovering from a semi-recent surgery. I had an enjoyable talk with my dad while Ace relaxed in the back.

Over all, it was a good day. The problems with the car weren't so fun, but they weren't the end of the world (my dad is generously fixing our car for us). And despite the fact that it was frustrating at the time, we have someone who was willing and able to help us. My dad and step-mom are going to deal with the mechanics and let us know when our car is able to be picked up. We just have to get my in-laws to let us borrow a vehicle to go pick it up (which shouldn't be a problem). The day might not have gone as it was originally planned, but we all got to see my brother graduate.

And that was worth all the hassles.

Graduation

I'm alive. I'm as healthy as I was when I left to go to my brother's graduation.

Tomorrow, I'll have a nice post about how the day went (there was drama, but it was from something completely unexpected).

Too tired now. Must focus on something silly for a while.

Things I'm Thankful For

I feel like I've been whining and complaining a lot lately. Here on my blog, in real life, in my head. I don't like this. I'm thinking it's time to be focusing on things I'm thankful for.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. Claritin; it's been helping me breathe when whatever is affecting my lungs is messing with me.

2. Ace; he's been especially great while I've been emotional lately. He's been putting up with my non-sense for longer than seems fair.

3. My dad; Saturday, when we go to my brother's graduation, he's buying us lunch and giving us gas money for our trip. He helps make the certainty of seeing my mother seem less bad.

4. Half-priced drinks from Sonic.

5. God; He blessed me with some wonderful people who care about me. He cares about me. Even when people have let me down, He is there for me.

Just Over-Sensitive, I Guess

At lunch, Ace accidentally turned and bumped into me. He didn't hurt me and apologized right away since it was an accident. Then his father started "teasing" that it didn't matter if I fell because no one would care.

I got upset, because I would care if I feel, and so would Ace. The "teasing" continued with my father-in-law saying that Ace obviously wouldn't care since he bumped into me. I realized that I wouldn't be able to calm my anger/irritation down enough to calmly order, so I told Ace what I wanted and headed back to the table.

Ace's father decided to talk to Ace and remark that he was just teasing. Ace, in a wonderful moment of protection, pointed out that he was being insensitive to me, since I obviously had a problem with what he had to say (especially when claiming that my husband didn't care if I got hurt/fell). Apparently this greatly angered my father-in-law and he complained that I was being overly sensitive and he didn't know what would upset me like that. Shortly into their conversation, my mother-in-law told them that this was not the time to get into this conversation (she was trying to keep any fights out of the public eye, which I appreciate).

The problem is my father-in-law wants a relationship without having to do the work to get a relationship. He doesn't really seem to care about me, but he wants to be able to treat me like my sister-in-law who he's known since before Ace was 10 (Ace is 30 now). And he thinks it's okay to say the same things to me that he would to my sister-in-law, despite the fact that she and I are very different people. He doesn't recognize that with my background, the topic of relationships is a sensitive one.

My father-in-law thinks he's perfect and that all the misunderstandings in any relationship are the fault of the other person. In this, he is similar to my mother (she doesn't seem to think she's perfect all the time, but she does blame others for problems in the relationship). He doesn't understand that he is the common denominator in all his bad relationships. This, of course, means that none of those relationships are going to change because he won't change himself.

I'm struggling with my resentment over being called overly sensitive because one of my few buttons keeps getting pressed and it upsets me. I'm may be sensitive about those things, but there are plenty of topics I can be teased on (and Ace teases me about them) without me getting upset. My mother-in-law, someone else who lacks some tact, doesn't tease me about these things, and she also teases me some. It's insane.

Now that I'm starting to feel a bit better, I'm going to move on with my day. I've given all this entirely too much thought and discussion today. My father-in-law's dumb opinions aren't worth this much energy. For the most part, my father-in-law doesn't seem to be worth this much energy. I think I'll find something else to focus on, something uplifting.

It's a Celebration

A week from tomorrow, my little brother graduates from high school. I'm excited for him and I'm excited to see him walk across a stage to get a diploma holder (the actual diploma will be available in about a week, more than likely).

At the same time, I'm riding an emotional roller coaster because it'll be the first time I've seen my mom since shortly after we stopped talking. Knowing that I have a full week more to wait has just makes the problem worse.

I would have seen my mom two years ago, at my sister's high school graduation, if my sister hadn't dropped out of high school and gotten her GED instead. Had I thought of dropping out, I'm pretty sure my mom would have ripped me a new one.

I'm trying to focus on the good things from this trip. I'll see my dad, step-mom, brother, sister, grandmothers, and some other assorted relatives. My dad is funding the trip for Ace and I to go and driving us around while we're down there (for the day) so that we won't use more gas than necessary. My brother, who roughly one year ago was almost kicked out of school (I think), is graduating.

I'm going to support my brother. I'm going to surround myself with my emotional supporters while I'm there. I'll celebrate with my brother. I'll show my siblings that I will always be there for them, no matter how awkward I feel about seeing my mom. I'll show them that they are important enough to me to support them. I'll try to genuinely laugh and smile throughout the day. I'll be thankful that Ace is there for me to lean on emotionally. I'll take lots of pictures.

Seriously Damaging My Calm

I'm trying to be calm and patient. It turns out I was wrong on when my in-laws were getting a hotel, it's going to be tomorrow. They should be there for at least 3 nights.

Ace and I had plans on Friday night and Saturday. Plans that kept us out of the house quite a bit. My father-in-law, who does laundry for my in-laws, had all day Saturday in which he could easily do laundry and not interfere with my semi-normal laundry schedule. I have no clue what he did yesterday, but it did not include laundry.

Since my in-laws also knew when their bedroom and bathroom were going to be worked on this next week. They knew they needed to clean out the room during the past week, but they left it for tonight. And, of course, Ace had to help (help = actually moving stuff out of the room).

I am trying to be patient. I know they are going to be out of the house for a little while and that helps me emotionally, but I am barely holding on to my frustration at the stupidity of their decision making process. I don't understand these people at all!

Mother's Day

I'm not going to talk about my mother. I've given too much of my life to her in the past. Instead I'm going to talk about why I'd personally like to boycott Mother's Day.

I don't have a relationship with any woman that would make it appropriate to celebrate Mother's Day with them. I don't have a steady mother figure in my life. My step-mother is wonderful and I like letting her know that I care about her and think she's great, but I didn't meet her until I was about to graduate from high school. She's not really a mother figure. My mother-in-law reminds me too much of my mother. The scars haven't healed enough to try acting like she's a mother figure, and that's probably a big reason why she seems so annoying to me most of the time.

I also don't have any kids or pets to mother. The only person who gets most of my nurturing is Ace, and he doesn't need me to be his mother (and I don't try). I have empty arms and longing, neither of which entice me to want to celebrate mothers.

So, Sunday, I will go out to eat with my in-laws, give my mother-in-law her card, and then hide in the bedroom eating mostly sugary foods in an attempt to comfort myself through the rest of the day. I will be much happier when we move past Mother's Day again for another year. It's a holiday that stings right now.

And I'll continue to hold hope in my heart that next year Mother's Day won't sting so much.

Spinning 'Round

It all started with smoke.

Ace and I had come back into the room after dinner. When we turned on our light, we saw smoke. So, we quickly turned the light back off and notified the in-laws that we needed a new fan.

My father-in-law had recently won some gift cards to a home improvement store, so we figured that it would be a quickly resolved problem. In the meantime we could just use lamps for light and try leaving our door open to circulate air.

It didn't take long for my in-laws to buy a new fan, but the installation process was insanely long. They had a guy come out to give an estimate for a few projects around the house (2 fan replacements, a sink installation, and a mailbox installation). The guy looked it over, gave an estimate and said he's be back in 7 to 10 days. At least 3 weeks later, we had only heard from the guy that his job had gone over and he'd be another 3 weeks minimum.

Since that wouldn't work, a new guy came to give an estimate. 6 days later (yesterday), he came back to start work. Within 2 hours, Ace and I had a fan again. Unfortunately for us, we both lost track of our normal mental capacities and couldn't figure out how to work the fan portion of the fan. We started thinking the fan was broken, all because we pulled the wrong pull on the fan.

The day was saved shortly after 7 p.m. with the installation of light bulbs into the fan and the realization that we had pulled the lights on and off instead of changing the fan's speed. After minor embarrassment on my part (Ace wasn't here at the time), I shrugged off the mistake and moved on with my life.

Ace and I survived April, a rather humid month, with no fan and no overhead light. It wasn't something we would want to do again.

On the plus side, my in-laws will be spending a night (or two) at a hotel tonight, so Ace and I will get some alone time! Yay for us!

May

It's May, and long time readers know that I have some issues with May. Most of them revolve around Mother's Day at this point, but that's not the only thing that gets to me in May.

My parents, back when they were married, had their anniversary in May (one of my cousins was born on their 2nd anniversary, in fact). My mom's birthday is in May. And the storms that Oklahoma gets in April seem to linger until mid-May, making it easier to feel depressed because I need to get see the sun for a while and can't.

But I'm trying to focus on good things in May this year. I graduated from high school in May. I went on a Disney vacation (a year later) in May. The weather in OK at the end of the month generally gets more stable (and less rainy) and is in the 80s. I have two cousins with birthdays in May, cousins that I dearly love and would love to spend time with. I moved to Tulsa in May (8 years ago). I planned most of my wedding in May (8 years ago).

I know that May is not my favorite month, but there is no reason to continually condemn the month based on some bad things happening in May. Because there have been good things, great things in fact, that have happened in May. And those are the things I should be focusing on.

Watching for the Undertow

I've spent a large portion of April in my own world. Things outside of my immediate surroundings have been largely left to drift. I've looked up a few times, but things that have been close have seemed more urgent.

I can hear the whispers of thoughts I've pulled away from. Thoughts of how in the past I should have been stronger and stood up for others instead of finally protecting myself from even more emotional scarring. The part of me that is already a mother, and has been since my own mother seemed to give up on actually raising my siblings, protests that I left them alone with her.

I know that in reality there was no other choice I could have reasonably made. The relationship was broken and I couldn't fix things that were out of my control. Staying in the situation wouldn't have helped my siblings any. They needed to see for themselves how bad it was. I had been bearing the burden of trying to make someone happy when they would never be happy just based on what I was doing, but I wasn't going to be able to bear it any longer. 10 years, and fairly formative years at that, was long enough.

There are times that those whispers say that I'm broken and if I could just fix myself then I would get my mother's love. Life would be sunshine and roses. But I know better than to listen to those whispers. I know the truth. I may be somewhat broken sometimes, but it's because someone who was more fundamentally broken tried to make me into something that would fix her. The expression of her love was always conditional (I'm sure there was and is love there, but it's hard to see love shining through criticism) and I finally woke up to realize that there would always be another hoop to jump through. The glimpses of love and approval were there to keep me jumping. I deserve better.

I'm not fighting off depression quite as much as I have been in the fairly recent past, but I can hear the whispers of thoughts that could lead me back down that path. I'm just starting to move away from my shore again, out to where the waters are deep enough for currents. I'm staying cautious, after all I know that May will be here soon and I've faced struggles in the past in May. I'm watching out for the undertow. I don't want to be swept away again. Because it would be so easy to just let the whispers take me away.

On Reading (Or a Lack Thereof)

I love reading. There have been very few books that I've ever put down without finishing once I started them. And with a few of those, it wasn't a desire to not read the book as much as the knowledge that now was not the right time for me to read the book.

Despite this, the English classes I ended up taking in high school had teachers that were generally more focused on writing than reading. In fact, I only remember reading 1. Romeo and Juliet (9th grade, I loved it) 2. Julius Caesar (10th grade, no strong feelings one way or the other) and 3. To Kill a Mockingbird (11th grade, loved the story, have the book now). My senior year, I think we read a few short stories, but most of the class was focused on writing.

I never had a long list of required reading books (I only had short lists of required reading in college). I've not really had long discussions on themes or what the author meant when he or she said this or that (other than while reading Shakespeare's plays). Every time I pick up a book, the judgements I make as I read are purely my own.

I'm not sure if I should feel that I've missed something. I am content to judge a book solely on my own experience with it, even if I'm not quite sure how to explain my experience or thoughts to others. I know what I like, even if I can't always explain why I like it (that's a lot like licorice, come to think of it).

I assume that there were English teachers in my high school that did focus a bit more on reading than writing. I know that I left high school with the ability to write a well-structured paragraph that could fill a page. I also knew how to write a research paper (my 11th and 12th grade classes both wrote a class research paper), something that came in handy while I was a college.

I, obviously, no longer regularly write page long paragraphs. I haven't needed to write a research paper since I finished my English classes in college. And I've continued to read just about any type of book I could get my hands on (I have yet to try a western). It seems that my English teachers didn't teach much that I still use (and completely ignored something I loved even then). But maybe it's for the best. Maybe if I had to read a long list of books for school I wouldn't find reading as fun as I still do.

Do English teachers still give reading lists? Or has that gone away?

M.A. Smith, bookworm

P.S.: I do still use the touch typing I learned in high school. I'm so glad I took that typing/computer class.

Finding the Positive

Ace and I are trying to focus on things we can be thankful for and things that are positive about our current situation. Sometimes it's a struggle, as we seem to be the sane people in this house.

We keep catching ourselves complaining about various injustices or venting frustrations. And while it's better that we aren't just letting all this anger and annoyance grow unabated, it's not good to only focus on the negatives. That way leads to depression and bad things emotionally.

Of course, my in-laws don't always make it easy to focus on the positives. They feel a need to "helpfully" remind us of things that are fairly negative or they choose the worst possible moment to demand that their "needs" are met (the amount they help us or that their needs are truly important seems to be directly inverse to how much stress they cause or how bad the timing is for us). It's hard to be thankful for the bed you sleep in or the food you eat when the people responsible for them don't seem to care about anything but themselves.

But we do have a fairly comfortable, temperature controlled environment to live in. We do get food provided for us (even if it isn't what we would normally choose). Our car had a heater for the worst part of this past winter (since it was fixed, the heater is not working again, but the solution is hopefully the same one as last time and should be simple to fix when we get it fixed again) and our blinkers are still working fine. We have the ability to get our clothes clean without having to pay for anything. We get taken out to meals we don't have to pay for twice a week most weeks. Because we don't have as many expenses, we have been able to replace both our computers within a fairly short time frame.

We are blessed. I know there are people out there who would love to have even a fraction of the blessings we have (food, shelter, over-all good health). I know this. It doesn't always make it easier to focus on the positives. It's easier to see the negatives, especially when living with people who focus on the negatives most of the time.

It's easy to let the frustrations overwhelm the positives. It's easy to imagine ranting at my brother-in-law for leaving the toilet seat up or tossing all my mother-in-law's "precious" junk. It's easy complain that my mother-in-law is living just this side of a Hoarders episode. It's easy to rail at the idea that Ace and I have to explain where we are going every time we leave but my in-laws can go out to dinner and don't feel the need to let us know we have to fend for ourselves. It's easy to let all these little (and not so little) things pile up until we can't see the blessings.

It's time for a change. We need to focus on the positives in our lives. And I think I'll start by reminding Ace that we need to find 5 things a day to be thankful for (even if it's just that we're alive for another day). I think it will make the rest of the time we are living here (however long that will be) a little less negative.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. Ace: He wants us to focus on the positives as much as I do.
2. God: He's here for me, even when I'm in the middle of a rant that should be cut short.
3. The library: How else would I get a chance to read so many books? And for free!
4. The car: It may not be my dream car, but it gets me where I want/need to go.
5. My new laptop: Even with all my games, I still have 3 times as much free space as I used to!

Eclectic

Ace and I have been talking while listening to music on my iPod. It's been nice, a time to connect intellectually and to meander through a variety of subjects. And it occurs to me that while my taste in music is fairly narrow in it's scope, my taste in books is fairly eclectic.

Yesterday, I went to the library and picked out three books. I picked up Dracula, a book I've sort of been wanting to read for a while. It's the first potentially scary book I've picked up (unless you count mysteries as scary). I also picked up Holy Hullabaloos, "a road trip to the battlegrounds of the church/state war" because it seemed interesting. I also picked up Sugarbabe, a book written by a woman who decided to find a sugar daddy and her experiences with that.

While this is probably the most eclectic mix of books I've ever checked out at one time, it sort of shows how varied my reading interests are. In fact, I recently went through a look at the Dewey decimal system and wrote down some of the areas I thought I'd probably find books that would interest me (that is one eclectic list too). There's a mix from psychology to manufacturing to folklore to American literature. More than likely, I'll find books in each of the sections I wrote down to fascinate and educate myself.

So, while my iPod would probably bore most people, my library lists would probably tell psychologists something about me.

On Marriage

Ace and I went to a wedding today. It was lovely. There was laughter and kids making noise (as kids do). It went extremely well.

I didn't know either the bride or the groom before the wedding. I've now met the groom, but still really don't know either one of them. Ace used to know the groom back before we met.

Every time I go to a wedding (which isn't that often, since I can only think of 5 weddings I've been to and 2 were on the same day in the same location), I think of my wedding and the vows I made. I get reminded of what I promised Ace and it gives me a chance to look back and decide if I've been fulfilling those promises.

During the reception, Ace and I talked. I apologized for not always walking in love with him and following what I Corinthians 13 says about how love acts. He forgave me, as I knew he would. He shouldn't have had to.

Ace and I have known each other for 8 and 1/2 years now. We've been married for almost 8 years. I won't say we know everything there is to know about marriage, but we've got our relationship fairly well worked out. And I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything.

I love you, Ace! Thanks for being there and being yourself. It's helped make the past few years much more bearable. I'm excited about spending the rest of my life with you.

New Laptop

This is my first post on my new laptop.

I first thought that I wasn't going to get this laptop for a few more hours, but it was decided that we could go buy it earlier than intended. I've started getting everything set up on it and I am excited about my new laptop.

It has been over 4 years since I've had a new laptop that was all mine. I am practically buzzing because of my excitement. Ace is thrilled for me and amused by my giddiness.

I now have roughly 5 times as much space available to me as I had before. Everything is all new and perfect. And best of all, at least to me, I can set everything up how I want it.

Yay!

6 Words

A while back people tried to tell a story with only 6 words. I could never quite figure out what to say in just 6 words. Today, I think I found my 6 words.

I am stronger than I think.

And Now for Something Completely Different

I've been thinking about Pinky and the Brain lately (you know, the lab mice from Animaniacs that got two spin-offs of their own). I've got a theory about the true meaning behind their theme song.

I think that Pinky is truly the genius and Brain was the insane one. Let me explain.

Geniuses don't generally want to take over the world. Geniuses have odd thought lines that don't make sense to non-geniuses (or other geniuses). Pinky generally managed to blow Brain's plans for world domination without trying.

Brain however came up with more and more insane sounding plans for taking over the world. And even though he kept failing, he kept coming up with new plans. He kept repeating the same types of actions over and over and kept expecting a different outcome, which is a popular definition of insanity.

That's my theory. Make of it what you will.

Grow Up Already!

Today, not 30 minutes ago, my father-in-law pounded on his own front door and demanded to be let in. He was furious that the door from the garage to the house was locked. He came in, shouting about the door being locked and the fact that he doesn't have a key to that lock (or to the front door, apparently) and that his hands had been full when he got here and he had to set stuff down, only to find he had no key.

The man acted like the door was locked on purpose. Ace told him that we had gone to the garage after my father-in-law went to work and that he must have locked it out of habit. The whole thing was an accident, but my father-in-law reacted like it was a reason to start World War III.

Ace apologized, somewhat sarcastically since there wasn't truly a reason to apologize other than to placate his father, returned to our room and then my mother-in-law voiced her upset over the fact that the door isn't normally locked, even though the alarm is set.

My father-in-law acted like a crazy man. He got pissed off for no good reason and refused to calm down when a reason for the door being locked was offered. He was minorly inconvenienced, for about a minute. He wasn't locked outside the house for an hour or even for 5 minutes. His reaction was like waving a red flag in front of a bull, and was over the top.

I would claim that it was lack of enough sleep or general crankiness that made him more susceptible to being angry, but that isn't a good enough reason. I've been tired and annoyed before (this past Sunday in fact, with a helping of not feeling well added on) without irrationally yelling at whoever caused me an inconvenience. His behavior is unacceptable.

To further compound the lack of sleep problem, today is laundry day for my in-laws. My father-in-law does the laundry. This means he's going to be up for a while longer, washing their clothes, instead of taking a nap to start acting more like a human being. I'm considering barricading myself in my room until after Ace gets back from prayer night because I'm not sure I wouldn't make a rude comment after his childish behavior today (despite the fact that I would then be acting childish myself).

Please let us move soon. I'm living with childish mentalities in adult bodies and my patience for this type of nonsense is running out.

Better

I apologize for the absence. The past week was a bigger emotional struggle than it probably should have been. But I'm doing much better now.

Sometimes I just need someone to guide me back to my shore. I needed someone to remind me that my God is bigger than my problems. I needed someone to show me hope again.

I'm not saying life is perfect or necessarily even very different. But my emotional state is better.

Insanity

I woke up feeling cold. Despite having a blanket over me, I could tell it was cold in the house.

It turns out that my mother-in-law was feeling hot at some point and TURNED OFF THE HEATER when the weather wasn't going to get over 50 degrees.

I understand turning down the heat some. I understand turning on a fan. I do not understand turning the heater off.

This is the kind of insanity I keep having to deal with. And things like this are what have got me fighting off depression, because I can't do anything about this kind of thing.

She's So Nosy

My in-laws went out of town for roughly 8 hours today. Ace and I used that time to have sex and then sleep. It was nice.

Apparently, my mother-in-law asked if we did anything fun or exciting while they were out of town. I don't know what, if any, answer she received to that question.

I do know that it feels more and more like she's fishing to find out if we are having sex when they are away from us. It would feel less creepy that she was asking about our sex life if Ace weren't her son. As it is, it's really throwing me off balance.

I would like to state now that my love life is none of my mother-in-law's business. I doubt that will keep her from asking, but it makes me feel moderately better.

(Not So) Easily Distracted

One problem with depression is that the cycle of thoughts to get depressed is easily self-sustaining. Of course, sometimes I have random bouts of depression that weren't brought on by my obvious thoughts.

If only it was as easy to lead myself back to the surface. Part of the problem is that it takes more energy to see the positives than to see the negatives and depression saps my energy (seriously, I've been exhausted for the better part of the past two days for no apparent reason as to why).

It doesn't help matters that I've been easily distracted lately. Seriously, I keep getting caught up in a screen saver right now. I have no idea why I'm finding it interesting, but I am.

If depression was just feeling sad, I think it would be easier to handle. Instead, it feels like someone else has taken over my body. I'm still here, but everything requires more effort to do than it normally would.

I think Ace is slightly concerned that if he weren't around to make sure I ate that I'd just let myself starve because the effort to make a sandwich would be too great. I don't think I would starve, but I'd stay hungry for a lot longer than necessary. I think Ace is mostly frustrated that he can't just fix the problem for me. But he tries to help.

I'm going to go now. I think my mind is too busy wondering off to other things to let me write too much more.(That screen saver surely isn't as interesting as my mind keeps telling me it is.)

Lost

I've been a little lost lately. Everything has been hard and difficult. I drifted away from my shore without realizing I was moving anywhere.

I've been trying to find happiness and joy, but they've seemed elusive. And I can't pinpoint what it is that has me feeling so lost.

So, I'm going to work on fighting off depression.

They Just Don't Get It

I was relaxing, watching TV with Ace when suddenly there was a gruff voice yelling that I needed to help with dinner. My father-in-law decided that I needed to do something around here, I guess. Then I hear what I swear is the knob starting to turn, but could potentially have been a knock. This happens while I'm changing my pants, so I quickly get behind Ace's chair (so he at least has some potential to block me from view), while Ace yells out to wait a minute.

Ace and I spare a quick glance at each other before I leave the bedroom to see if the other is just as outraged as we are. I go help with something, ask Ace to help with vacuuming up some stuff, and sit back down to stew.

I ended up boycotting dinner. I wasn't particularly hungry (first day of my period always seems to see a decrease in my appetite), was still feeling minor cramps, and didn't feel like I'd be good company for my in-laws. Ace understood completely and didn't push. He attempted to do some explaining to my somewhat irate father-in-law, but was ignored.

I've moved past my anger, as that is unproductive. But I'm still upset and frustrated at how I was treated. Ace is also frustrated with his parents. One of the biggest problems with the whole situation is that his mother didn't ask for help herself, she (or my father-in-law) just expected us to know what was going on outside our room and start helping. This isn't the first time that the big problem, in my in-law's opinion, that popped up could have been avoided by some communication on my mother-in-law's part.

She won't ask us to help and then gets my father-in-law all worked up because she's trying to do too much when we didn't even know she needed help. But it's apparently our fault for not being more social or psychic.

I'm fairly sure that my in-laws just don't get why these things are a problem. They wouldn't understand why I was so angry about being ordered to help cook dinner (they wouldn't admit that I was ordered to help with dinner). They don't get why Ace is fine with me not "helping out" around here or pushing me to get a job. They don't get why my relationship with my spouse works. And I know they don't get that they are pushing away their son every time something like this happens.

My in-laws also don't seem to get that my mother-in-law is NOT the only one around here who has pain. I don't talk about my back pain much, as it wouldn't do any good to focus solely on that. But it doesn't mean that it's not very real and that it doesn't affect my life. They probably think I'm faking the pain, or at least playing it up. But that's because they don't know me. And right now, I think I'm fine with that.

An Exercise in Futility

Ace and I are still trying to figure out what we can do with this cell phone (the one that was sent to us but not activated). Ace doesn't want to spend money to return the phone to the company and we aren't getting anywhere with them when we try to call.

On the plus side, they've not charged us for the phone, but that just adds to the frustration. We have a phone that we can't do anything with, including trying to sell it because we don't want to give someone else a headache over it. There are no notes on the order about the problems that popped up with this phone, so any time Ace calls he has to explain it all over again.

So, as the 30 days that we are supposed to have to be able to send it back with no problems draws closer to an end, we are stuck with a cell phone that isn't usable because somebody somewhere messed up.

You can't make these kinds of things up, it sounds too stupid to be true. And yet it is. Calling the cell phone company seems to be an exercise in futility. Maybe if we try going back by a store and asking them to send it back for us will finally solve the problem. If not, then at least we will have exhausted all the obvious options we have towards fixing someone else's mistake.

Desserts Spelled Backwards Is Stressed

My in-laws seem to be trying to see if they can create a twitch in me. They are trying to run our lives without having all the facts. And it's stressing me out some.

I battle with depression sometimes, a fact I've never tried to hide here, but I've not really talked about with any of my in-laws. It's not really their business and they would try the wrong things to "help" and would probably send me deeper into a depression. I manage well, and without professional or medical help. That's not to say that I would ever refuse counseling or medication, but I generally don't really need it and I don't have a huge struggle with depression.

My mother-in-law, in a misguided effort to help us get on our own, has been looking up inexpensive housing and asking us about what our bare bones needs are. She doesn't understand that recreation is a need (or that we spend less money on gas for our car by Ace playing World of Warcraft). She has a few fact about how things are, but she doesn't know the whole picture. She doesn't know what things we could safely drop and what things need to stay in place.

I'm not sure if it's because my in-laws are just as ready for us to be out of here as we are or if it's really just an attempt to help us, but it's not helping me. It's causing Ace and I to rehash conversations we've already had (mostly about why neither of us really wants to declare bankruptcy). It's draining my energy, which is already depleted because I'm trying to get my body on some kind of schedule. It's pushing me towards depression.

My in-laws keep wondering why we don't like spending time with them, but they keep bringing up negative things (and most of them things Ace and I have discussed, made a decision on, and moved past already when it comes to our lives). When they aren't offering help that brings stress, they are watching TV shows we don't watch because they are too dark emotionally for me to handle.

I understand that Ace and I living here with my in-laws can't be easy on them, but it's not exactly a walk in the park for us either. I have to put up with backwards insults to my cooking abilities, remarks about what kind of parent I'll be IF I ever become a parent, a lack of communication about things that truly affect my life (like if I need to eat while my in-laws are out because they are going to dinner), and disparaging remarks about my dearly loved spouse because he isn't what his parents want him to be. Oh, and then there are the demands that we (or Ace) be able to drop anything he's doing at a moment's notice to help with anything they can come up with (including changing a light bulb).

Ace has been trying his best to placate his parents with a lot of stuff while shouldering most of the burden himself so that I don't have to put up with their complaints. The man is wonderful, because there have been a few days where I'm sure he was ready to scream, but was patient with me and my back when it was added on top of the already hectic day he had had. There's only been once that he's asked me to just not ask for anything for a while, and I could understand why.

Ace and I try to focus on a positive future. We talk about what our plans are for when we are on our own again. We talk about what food we want in our fridge, how we want to get back into shape, and how nice it will be to be sleeping on our queen-sized mattress again. We try to not pull ourselves down by focusing on all our debts (we know they are there, but we can't do a lot about them right now anyway). Ace knows that it'll just cause more emotional problems than it could ever potentially fix to talk about what we might be able to do.

No one besides Ace and I know our full situation (okay, God also knows, but He knows all). We both feel like this topic is one that's best kept private. We both know what decisions we would make differently if we could, but we can't. So, we are focusing on where we are now and where we want to go. And we'd both appreciate it if my in-laws would keep their noses out of our business.

The Answer Will Always Be No

Dear mother-in-law,

No, we won't go to your church with you. We will never go to church with you. The answer when you ask will always be no.

Stop asking!

M.A.

P.S.: We'll go to our own kind of church when we go to a church. Leave our spiritual lives to us.

An Open Letter to Rachael Ray

Dear Rachael Ray,

I'm sure you are a lovely woman. The little I've seen of any of your shows you've seemed sweet. Personally, I have no ill will towards you or your shows.

However, I do have a bone to pick with you. My mother-in-law loves your talk show. She loves talking about your talk show, so I get to hear WAY more about it than I'd care to. I am not a big fan of talk shows, so I don't watch your (or any one else's) talk show.

My mother-in-law thinks she can do what you can do in your kitchen, Ms. Ray. The real problem is that she cannot. She doesn't have the capability to stand long enough to cook food like you do. She also has a family that would be content to eat much simpler and easier to prepare food. It's not that we would hate your style of cooking, we just are used to more meat and potatoes kinds of dishes.

My husband, Ace, and I are both ready to never hear your name again. It's nothing personal, it's just that my mother-in-law has made a habit of saying it several times a week. I'm fairly certain my father-in-law is tired of hearing about your show too.

Rachael Ray, if I never hear your name again that would be fine with me. I hope you do well in your hosting/cooking careers. I hope you gain satisfaction from your jobs. I hope you get all the wealth and fame you desire. I hope your products sell tons (I won't be buying any, but it's more the principle of the thing). I just hope that my mother-in-law stops watching your show, or at least stops talking about it so often.

I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only person in the house to feel the same way. And when I have a place of my own again, your shows will be banned from viewing (the only other show banned is Barney, so you join some illustrious company for annoying me). I make no guarantees that you'll stay banned forever (Barney will be, he's gives me the creeps), but I doubt I'll ever truly be interested in your shows.

So, Rachael Ray, I bid you a good life. I'll not miss you when you are gone from mine.

Sincerely,
M.A. Smith

P.S.: Despite my mother-in-law's thoughts, I don't need my meatloaf to last more than one meal. And if it does, it doesn't need to be put between two slices of bread in order for me to enjoy it.

P.P.S.: Sorry, my mother-in-law got to me at dinner, talking about leftover meatloaf and Rachael Ray. Thank goodness my father-in-law steered the conversation a different direction!

Alice

Yesterday, Ace and I watched Alice.

Alice is a very interesting if slightly skewed look at Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Instead of playing cards, they have men in suits (with card suits and numbers on their suits). Instead of a walrus, there is a guy who sort of looks like a walrus.

Alice accidentally falls into Wonderland while trying to rescue her boyfriend. In her efforts to find her boyfriend, she meets the Mad Hatter. The Mad Hatter helps Alice in her quest for reasons of his own.

I don't want to give a lot of details, but it was definitely a movie I'd recommend. I cheered for Alice to help save Wonderland and find love.

And now I'm off to find out if Primeval is a series I'd be interested in, because I'd like to see Andrew Lee Potts as something other than the Mad Hatter.

The Overwhelming Nothingness

Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed and over-emotional about everything. And it's silly because when it all boils down, there is nothing to be overwhelmed by or to get overly emotional about. Things that seem frustrating and stressful are things that are really small and stupid.

Ace and I are having MINOR difficulties with a cell phone company. We were trying to start up service with this company and ordered a phone from online (to save some money), but they screwed up and didn't activate the phone before it was sent. And then they haven't taken the money for the phone out of our account. So, we have this phone that we can't use, sitting on top of our TV. We are thinking about returning it, but we don't want to pay for the shipping and the company won't give us their account number for shipping it back to them. Nor does anyone seem to be doing anything to make it where we could actually use this phone, if we so desire.

It's been a headache and frustrating, except it's just stupid and kind of funny and not that stressful. We're currently the "owners" of a free phone that we don't know what to do with. Life, or at least things with this phone, seems like it's in limbo. And it seems to be just one more thing that is in a holding pattern in our lives.

I'm ready for some changes. I'd like it if people would just do what they are supposed to do, when they are supposed to do it. I'd like things to start going my way again. And I think that's part of why I've been so frustrated with stupid, nothing things.

A Need for Authenticity

Ace and I, in general, tend to be the same people behind closed doors as we are in public. We may keep from discussing a few topics in public (like sex or politics), but we are the same people when it's just the two of us as we are when we're in public.

Except when it comes to being around Ace's parents. Then we are on guard as to certain topics, because we don't want a long, drawn out, misconstrued, misunderstood conversation.

And the need to guard what we say or do is exhausting. It's draining both of us. We prefer to be our authentic selves all the time. I'd like to be able to have a discussion with my husband that can take place in any room of the place we are living in without concern. I don't want to feel like I have to judge my words by what might offend my in-laws (or at best lead to lots of questions they don't need the answers to).

Ace is just as frustrated as I am about this situation. He's just as ready as I am to get out of here and live on our own. We're trying (TRYING) to be patient until we can make the changes we need made.

But until then, we are trying to be as true to ourselves as we can be. And hopefully that's good enough.

Briefly Speaking

Ace and I have several things that need to be replaced. Our laptops, Ace's jeans (both pair), Ace's dress shirts, my bras, etc. The list seems to continually get longer.

Yesterday, Ace and I replaced something for me that I've needed replaced for a while, sadly since the last time I replaced them: my panties. The last time we bought me panties (sometime since we've moved back to Tulsa), we made a choice based on price instead of experience with the brand. Apparently the $.30 a pair we saved was an important $.30 to spend.

I had a pair get a hole in them after one use. Then 4 pairs were too tight to be easily pulled on and off. A short time later, a few more pairs had problems with stitching coming undone. In short, we weren't happy with the cheaper undies.

So, yesterday we replaced them with a brand name we know is good. I'm happy to know that there is at least one thing we won't have to replace for a while.

The Bump

Earlier, I noticed a bump under my arm while showering. My first thoughts were not of pimples or moles, but more of "Was that really a bump I felt? What does that bump mean?"

But I figured that in the wet shower, with soap on my body and shampoo in my hair was no time to start imagining the worst. Plus, with a little more feeling, it seemed more like a pimple.

After I finished drying off, I checked out the mysterious bump. It was originally a blackhead that had become a pimple. There was nothing to panic about. It was something that could easily be dealt with.

But it reminded me that it's easy to find something unexpected and freak out before getting all the facts first. If I hadn't kept my head and realized that if it was something to get checked out by a doctor it could wait until I was no longer soapy I could have completely freaked out over a pimple. I'd have felt stupid once I found out that my panic was over nothing.

To My Valentine

Dear Ace,

I know I said I was writing about this past weekend, and I started to but it didn't seem to be flowing well. It was stilted and unnatural. I did appreciate that you found it just as important as I did to go to the marriage seminar we attended. It touched a special place in my heart.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day. Tomorrow I don't know how much time we'll have together, but I know that it won't be as much as I would like. I know that we probably won't get to have a date night tomorrow night, but I am hoping we can go out to eat (even if it's fast food eaten in the car). I know that you would love to take me out to a nice dinner, shower me with chocolate and flowers, and spend time showing me just how much you appreciate our marriage. Hopefully we can do that next year on Valentine's Day.

But, for as much as I wish some things could be different, I am happy to know that you love me. You feel that it's important to spend time with me and talk with me and take care of our marriage. I was thrilled to hear that you wouldn't want to do something momentarily exciting that would endanger our relationship. It made me feel safe and loved.

I love that our conversations flow so easily most of the time. I love that we talk so much and challenge each other to think outside our own points of view. I love that you help my brain stretch and grow. I love that you encourage me to read, even though you don't enjoy reading like I do. You may not love going to the library, but you are happy to take me when I ask. I appreciate that so much and I don't feel like I can find the words to express how much that means to me.

Thank you, for all that you've done, for all that you're doing, and for all that you will continue to do. Thank you for making this relationship feel easy and not like work. I know that we've both worked stuff out in the past to get to this point, but it's felt fairly easy the whole way through. Thank you for listening to me when I talk, it means so much. Thank you for being patient enough to have learned what I can and cannot do at various times. Thank you for understanding that my hormones make my emotions crazy sometimes and that if I'm upset it's probably not really your fault or my fault but the hormones' fault.

Thank you for being my hero by not allowing your family to just order me about. Thank you for being willing to stand up for me and for our marriage. I know that there are women out there who would love it if their husbands did that. Thank you for pushing me to grow without trying to completely change my personality. Thank you for understanding that I don't always know why I like or don't like something or why I feel things need to be this way or that way. It helps that you don't push, you just accept that it's one of my quirks and life goes on.

Thank you for being the perfect husband for me.

Love,
M.A.

P.S.: I love you!

A Quick Question for You

In an effort to focus on something other than being slightly annoyed with Ace over stupid stuff, I'm going to instead focus on the other thing that is bothering me right now.

Why do back closing bras have bows on the front in between the breasts?

On one hand, I understand that women want to look cute/sexy for their significant others (or just for themselves). But do men really care about the bow? Do other women?

On the other hand, it always seems to pop up, annoyingly, to be an obvious bump under my shirts. One that looks totally unnatural. I doubt that Ace gives any thought to there being a bow on my bra when he's taking it off me. He's kind of distracted with what's underneath the bra.

So why are the bra designers continuing to stick bows on the front of bras? Does the bow provide structural integrity? Why is it there? Is the only solution to have bras that close in the front? And don't bras that close in the front just provide different problems, like hooks that come undone when they weren't supposed to?

Why? Can't someone please give me a reason?

At Least it Waited Another Two Days This Time

I'm starting to get wary of taking pregnancy tests. They keep coming up negative and then I'll start my period shortly afterward. At least this time, my body waited a few days instead of not even letting the test finish processing to crush my spirit.

All this in time for us to be slightly snowed in again, have plans for this weekend that include me dressing up in somewhat snug dress clothes (also a sucky time for snow to come again), and Valentine's Day. Because my body loves ironic timing.

Can I pull my covers over my head and hide for the day now?

Waiting

Today, Ace and I braved the wild, still snow-covered streets of the neighborhood and went out to Walmart. I wanted to buy a pregnancy test to replace the one I should have thrown out months ago, because it was long past expired. Also, I wanted a breakfast sandwich.

So, we went out, bought me breakfast, bought some tests and some chocolate, and ran other unimportant errands. And then we came home and I drank liquids and waited for my body to tell me that I needed to pee.

Except, once I got to the bathroom, my body decided to pee anywhere but where the test was, just to make things difficult. I figured that I probably didn't get enough pee on the test for anything to happen, so I'd leave it in there for the next time I had to pee to try again. Instead, I looked at the test a few minutes later and it came up negative. But with what probably amounted to two drops on the stick, I'm not 100% sure that it's accurate. So now, I'm waiting a week, in hopes that 1. I still won't have started my period and 2. Enough hormones will be built up to show a positive on the pregnancy test (provided I actually pee on the right part of the stick this time).

So, for now, here is a picture of Guillermo:















His eyes didn't normally glow like that, but here he is in all his doggy glory.

Cabin Fever Averted

Today, my father-in-law proved why he and I can get along decently when my mother-in-law isn't involved.

It all started when he asked Ace if he wanted to go to the store with him. Ace said yes, and I perked up from laying on the bed, wishing that my mother-in-law wasn't assaulting my nauseous stomach with smells of peppers and onion. I quickly shut our door and started changing pants, because there was no way I was staying here, even if my body wasn't sure it WANTED to go anywhere, because I NEEDED to get out of the house for a while to keep my brain sane.

So, we went grocery shopping (Ace's father recognizes that we have different eating habits and that the two of us might want to eat stuff we've chosen). I had originally asked for peppermints and Sprite to be bought for me when my father-in-law went shopping yesterday (he remembered the Sprite, forgot the peppermints), so today I got the peppermints as soon as I went into the store. I also grabbed some saltines and pudding because they were on sale (I was totally willing for us to buy the saltine and pudding, but my father-in-law bought them for me!).

He also got ice cream for everyone (some sugar free/diabetic ice cream for my mother-in-law, and two flavors of ice cream for Ace and I to enjoy), and the ice cream was his idea. On the way home, we stopped to pick up some pizzas and my stomach was nicely soothed the entire trip home by the smell of the pizzas. It was especially nice on the snow covered streets in the neighborhood.

So, I'm no longer feeling cabin fever. I'm just trying to avoid feeling nauseous/exhausted all the time.

Blue Eyes Crying in the Snow

Today, it's snowing again. Ace decided that we should go out to get some grocery shopping done. He got dressed, headed out, and started clearing off the car. I joined him outside not too long after (about 10 minutes). He had the car fairly clear and was working on moving the snow that had settled right behind it, so I waited in the garage until he could back up the car and let me in.

After another 15 minutes of finishing clearing off the car, we were ready to go. We started off well, and had we actually made it off the street my in-laws' house is on, we probably would have made our trip to the store and back just fine. Instead, Ace decided to head toward the right side of the street (which still had too much snow) and slowed down to ensure he couldn't/wouldn't hit another vehicle. Then, the car got stuck.

Ace got close to getting the car unstuck, and eventually someone stopped (actually, turned around) to help. I got to drive our car, backwards, down the street until I got to my in-law's driveway (my first time to drive on that much snow). There I temporarily parked the car until Ace got in to re-park it on the street. I moved into the garage, sat down, and started crying out of frustration (hormones helped with that).

Some of my biggest frustrations had to do with the fact that we didn't make it off the street and that I needed a bit more time away from my mother-in-law than I got. It all just seemed so unfair. I had been teased with a glimpse of time away from this house, only to have it come crashing down in an effort to keep from ruining our engine. I'm not particularly upset with Ace's decision, just frustrated that it came to that.

*I do have blue eyes. I did refrain from crying while actually in the falling snow, but I did sob a bit more than expected about not being able to go grocery shopping, a chore I usually don't care much about. Cabin fever sucks!

Cabin Fever

People, I am fighting off cabin fever so bad you would probably not believe it. And I know that if there wasn't all this snow on the ground outside, I probably wouldn't care about being "stuck" at home.

Yesterday, Ace and I did get out of the house, but only to the corner where my in-laws SUV was stuck to get it unstuck and moved to in front of the house (I was really bundled up for that too). It helped with the cabin fever, at least for a few hours. And it got us $20 to boot.

I think Ace is ready to get me out of the house for a bit, because I'm starting to whine sometimes about things. My hormones are making everything around me either more annoying or causing me to feel sappier about them than I normally would feel. Fighting off some nausea (it seems to be unrelated to my mother-in-law's illness earlier this week, since she was actually throwing up and I haven't) and not having access to as much Sprite and peppermints as I would like hasn't helped either. Having my mother-in-law loudly pester us for roughly half an hour over stuff that Ace and I don't care about hasn't helped either.

Basically, I'm starting to go stir crazy, the hours are passing SLOWLY, and my mother-in-law seems to be getting more annoying by the day. Somebody get me out of here!

Snowed In

Last night, my father-in-law left early to head to work to beat the snow storm, just in case the office he provides security for had people working today. Because of all the snow (at 10 a.m., there were 10-12+ inches in the Tulsa area and it was still snowing), that office decided to close. My father-in-law was told he could go home, or stay there if it was safer. Last I heard, he's still at work.

Here, we are semi-snowed in. Ace and I probably could get to our car and potentially go somewhere, but we have no where to go. My mother-in-law is stuck here, since we have no way to take her chair anywhere.

Even if we tried to go somewhere, most places would be closed and the highways, while still open, are likely hard to get on or off the highway. There isn't any place to go or any reason to go anywhere. According to the news (something that is fascinating due to the snow, but would otherwise be unwelcome to us to see), we're up to 13.8 inches in Tulsa, a record high for Feb. 1 and a record for most snowfall in 24 hours. It's still snowing too.

There doesn't seem to be any reports of power outages, so that's good. Yay for warmth.

But I'd be happy to take a trip to Hawaii about now.

Update on Things

So... I mentioned Ace getting a second job. And he did, but it didn't really work out, because the company was... well, to put it as nicely as I can, kind of messed up. They were supposed to be sending Ace on pre-scheduled appointments to talk to business owners/decision makers. Instead, they sent him to talk to people who couldn't make a decision for the business and at times they weren't expecting him. Or they sent him to talk to people who didn't want to talk to him in the first place.

After 8 appointments, he realized this whole thing was not going to work out.

So, who knows what's going to happen now. Ace is still looking for a second job and still plans on selling insurance (except this week is shot because of the weather, which is cold after a weekend with highs in the 70s).

And now you are all brought up to date on things.

Things Have Shifted

On airplanes, when the plane has landed and everyone is getting ready to get their luggage from the overhead compartments, they tell you to be careful because things may have shifted (at least, they always said that when I was a semi-regular flier from OKC to Dallas and back).

Things have shifted here. Ace has a second job, one that will probably be our main source of income for a while. He went through 8 hours of training for his new job. He'll work on it part time for the next 2 days (and keep the insurance appointments he's made already for the other half) and then start working full time at it Friday (preset appointments, which is great for potential money making). And he plans on selling insurance part time (I'm guessing 8 - 12 hours a week on that).

But this means we could conceivably move out on our own by mid-March. We could finally be living on our own again. 2011 has started looking brighter. Ace is planning to do most of his insurance appointments on Saturdays, which will leave us evenings and Sundays to spend together (he has decided that he'll take Sunday off each week, something I'm extremely happy about).

It feels like our lives are getting even closer to being back on track. And I'm excited about the possibilities.

Quiet

I'm feeling fairly quiet about stuff lately. I think part of it is Ace being gone a lot with work (he's gotta work on that some). Without Ace around, my days are long and quiet and fairly dull.

As much as I've complained somewhat recently to him about dragging me out right before Jeopardy comes on (it used to be People's Court, now it's Jeopardy), I do truly miss having him around to drag me out or just sit and talk to me on the days he's not here.

And not having Ace to talk to/do stuff with keeps me from having much to talk about here. I'd rather not complain about my in-laws all the time on here, and things aren't always bad when they are around (odd maybe, but not necessarily bad).

Why There Are Some Shows I'm Not Allowed to Watch

I had a dream recently that I was a doctor, working in a hospital (for House, a show I haven't watched in a long while, except for some reruns on cable not too long ago). And for some reason, I had to ride a motorcycle to the hospital (don't know how in real life, did just fine in my dreams). Shortly after that, Ace showed up as another doctor who worked in the hospital and took me down to the E.R. to talk to one of our friends/fellow doctors to find out why I kept taking naps about 5 p.m. The E.R. doc did an ultra-sound (that I slept through in my dream, because that's how my dreams roll) and found out I was pregnant and about halfway through my pregnancy.

These kinds of dreams are why I don't watch shows like "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". I do not need reoccurring dreams that I mysteriously find out I'm pregnant because I show up at a doctor's office or an E.R. wondering why I'm feeling so exhausted and hungry all the time. It's a ridiculous dream and I can't get it out of my head so I thought I'd share it here.

And now I'm off to get some sleep, hopefully without random dreams of spending half a pregnancy unaware of my pregnant state.

I Think the Earth is Still on its Axis

After the raking over the coals treatment last week, my in-laws have been treating us fairly decently. I think it helps that Ace keeps pushing me out of the room some and they've actually turned off the TV sometimes and talked during dinner.

It's been a little weird.

HOWEVER, they have fixed our car (our heater and blinkers weren't working). So far, there hasn't been any strings attached, but they only got it fixed yesterday, so there's still time for strings. It was kind of nice to have them stop asking us when we were going to fix our heater (or find out how much it would be to fix our heater) and just do something about it since they were so interested in it. And the heater is working great now.

So, yeah. I've been trying to adjust to all this talking with my in-laws. I think my mother-in-law, at least, is starting to realize that my "laziness" is me trying not to stress out my back to where I CAN'T move for a while (38G sized boobs on a 5'4", 160 lb. frame will throw off a center of gravity and cause major pain if a person bends over much). She understands wanting to not hurt. I don't know how much she believes that's what I'm doing, but I think she's starting to kind of understand that I may be less lazy than she was originally thinking.

*Sigh*

I was having a good day yesterday, up until Ace finally got home from work/prayer night. Then, my in-laws decided to ruin both his and my good mood with a talk.

It started off ominously with "How about visiting with us?" This was sole directed at Ace, as I had already declined "visiting" after I finished dinner for a variety of reasons (mostly because I'd rather not, thanks).

Then came a 2 hour long discussion of: 1. M.A. is lazy because she doesn't automatically know that mother-in-law needs help with stuff (lazy wasn't outright stated, but it was strongly implied), 2. Ace needs to work on his communication skills because in-laws keep saying things that are clearly supportive but he keeps thinking are indicative of disapproval (the in-laws clearly believe they communicate approval without saying anything that sounds remotely approving to anyone outside their heads), 3. have we mentioned that M.A. is lazy because she's not earning an income or helping out around the house? And why doesn't she want to talk to us? (for one, they are reminding me of my mom more and more lately and I don't want to be around that), and 4. In-laws feel they are viewed as servants, despite the fact they ask us (Ace mostly) to jump and expect us/him to know how high.

There was a discussion about how Ace being asked if he wants to do something is really them asking him to do it (He always says he doesn't WANT to but is WILLING to do whatever they are asking. This is apparently the same to the in-laws as saying that he is only doing it because they are asking and would never do any thing around here on his own.). Oh, and part of the reason we've randomly had to fix our own dinner is my father-in-law figures that we're treating them like servants by expecting them to fix dinner (instead of just asking us to fix dinner from time to time or setting up a schedule for when they would like us to cook or even letting us know that they want us to feed ourselves).

Ace, fairly reasonably in my opinion, asked that if they randomly decide to go grocery shopping (since that's their preferred way of doing it) to at least call on their way home to let him know so he can be ready to help bring in groceries when they get here. Somehow I doubt that will happen for long, but we'll see.

This is, apparently, the same basic conversation they had several months ago with Ace when I didn't go to dinner with everyone, but stayed home alone instead. Because, instead of talking to us as things come up, my in-laws decide to just wait until they are fed up and things come out all at once. It's not healthy and I don't think they realize how fed up with this Ace is getting. He's ready for a lengthy time away from his parents now.

And it hurts me to watch, because I feel like they are damaging my wonderful husband. He's worked so hard to grow, and it feels like they are chipping away at that growth. I want to protect him from the damage they could inflict, but there isn't much I can do. It reminds me what I want for my kids and why I feel a need to shelter them from my in-laws already. It pains me to understand why my loving, caring husband could have made some different choices and been someone totally different. It gives me reason to thank God for helping Ace grow into such a great man, despite the lack of support he's gotten for most of his life. And it causes both of us to cling more tightly to each other until we can be back on our own.

The day was going so well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Hello

There's been someone digging through my blog for the past few days. I have no idea who they are, as they haven't left me any messages or sent me any e-mails.

To this person, I say, "Hi! How did you find me? I guess I've been an interesting read, since you've dug through so much of my blog. If you don't want to share anything, you don't have to, but I am curious."

Other than that, I've been trying to lower my stress level back down, because my in-laws have decided to continue the kinds of behaviors that cause me to feel stressed (within the first 24 hours of being back here, I was as stressed as I had been before I went to visit my dad). Tonight, they decided to run some errand (or go out to eat) and didn't let Ace and I know that we were on our own for dinner. So, when they got back after 8 (and after we had been hungry for a while), we finally found out that we could have already eaten.

Starting my period early hasn't helped either. But I'm choosing to look at this as being one month closer to being pregnant. On the plus side, my hormones, which were a little too out of control Monday and Tuesday, are bothering me less today. Ace is happy because it means I'm not getting pissed at him for some stupid reasons. Staying with my in-laws seems to make it easier to get upset about stupid stuff, which just makes us both want out of here even more.

2011 Is Going to Be Better, Right:?

It's been a somewhat long day. Ace and I returned to Tulsa, but then we had a lot of stuff to do after we got here. We had laundry to wash, stuff to rearrange, and I needed to find some time to relax again. Nicely, the laundry is clean, almost everything is back in it's place, and I've spent some time relaxing.

Unfortunately for me, almost nothing about this place has changed in the week I've been gone. The dishes have been switched back out to the new dishes (I'm pretty sure we still need to store the Christmas dishes, though). The fridge is looking less full than it was when I left. But the people are still the same.

There was a random reminder that my in-laws were going to church tonight (yeah, got it, we still remember what day it is, thanks). There is still food being burnt and then eaten like there is nothing wrong with it. There's still the fact that we are ready to be living on our own again.

And there's still my mind, full of random thoughts on a variety of subjects, churning along trying to figure out how to incorporate my thoughts on my discussions with Ace and with my dad earlier today. There was lots of talking about my past, about my mom, about my siblings, and it's all just needs to be put into the right spots. There's new information that's being processed and old information that needs to settle back down.

However, I'm choosing instead right now to look at this coming year and see the good things that are waiting for me. Things like moving out of my in-laws house, getting a new laptop, and starting to pay off debts. More chances to get pregnant, or to be pregnant and have a healthy baby. There are new books for me to read and a book to write. 2011 is just getting started, and I think the future is looking bright.

Notes from a Tired Person

Okay people, my sleep schedule is all crazy and has been since Christmas. I sleep at night still, but it's not been quite straight through. I think I miss Ace being there, snoring next to me.

It doesn't help that I've suddenly decided that I need naps in the afternoon too. Sometime between 2 and 6, my body tells me that I have no energy and my eyes feel heavy. I'm exhausted and stuff. Except if I lay down in the bed. Then I wake up totally.

I doubt it helps that I'm feeling cool most of the time while I'm here too. At night and when I first get up the next morning, I feel comfortable, but otherwise I'm fairly cool, which apparently makes me sleepy.

And it doesn't seem to matter how late I stay in bed, drifting between awake and asleep. My body is just worn out about halfway through the day. It's funny to me, because otherwise I'm feeling fairly fine and had the energy earlier to help put away the Christmas decorations. I guess I'll wait and see if this is all because Ace isn't here or if this is an indication of something bigger.

A Christmas Tale

Today, I come to wish you a belated Merry Christmas and to offer you a tale of why the Christmas wish is belated.

On Christmas Eve, the internet access at my in-laws house started seeming spotty throughout the day. We had problems with websites not wanting to come up until the page was refreshed and not showing all the pictures that they were supposed to when they did start coming up.

Around 8 p.m., Ace called the internet service provider to find out if the problems were because of issues with them. The internet worked fine on Ace's computer when it was linked straight to the modem, so it wasn't the problems obviously weren't based on their end. The router for the house was messing up.

After Ace finished up the call, he reset the router to see if that would fix it. Instead, we completely lost any access to the internet through the router. It was, for all intents and purposes, dead. So, Ace and I tried to go buy a new router for the house, but Walmart was already closed for Christmas. We would have to survive the rest of Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day with no internet connection except on our phones (and we had to unplug the router for that to work).

Yesterday, we came to visit my dad and step-mom. I'm enjoying my time with my family. I am overeating extremely good smoked turkey and smoked ham (okay, not really overeating, just not eating quite enough veggies to go with the meat). I'm reading on books that I got for Christmas (I got 14 books and a fleece blanket from my dad and step-mom or my grandma). Basically, I've been too distracted since I got here to remember to post. I also forgot to send Ace an e-mail with some links like I promised to before we got here until an hour ago.

Maybe, after I've calmed down about it, I'll share what my single bother-in-law did on Christmas Day to piss me off so much. Or maybe I'll just move on with my life. I'm undecided at this point.

A Christmas Vacation

Lately, I've been whiny and annoying, at least I have in my own opinion. I'm getting annoyed by stupid stuff and when I'm not whiny, I'm horny or I'm clingy.

Ace and I both need a break from this erratic behavior. So, I'm going to spend the better part of a week with my dad and step-mom in NW Arkansas, while Ace spends that time in Tulsa, working on work stuff. Ace is going to go visit my dad and step-mom for the day on the 26th (for Christmas celebration) and then come back to celebrate the New Year with us on the 31st. I'm going to just stay and enjoy some quality time with MY family.

The hope is that this mini-vacation from my in-laws will be enough to help me get back to a calm place until we can finally move out of here. It's also been a while since I've gotten to spend more than a few hours with my family and gotten to talk and interact without having something else on my mind.

Nicely, I've asked for a bunch of books for Christmas, so I'll be able to read those. I'm also taking my laptop, so I'll have an opportunity to keep up with things happening online. I will be able to text Ace from my phone, and we can obviously talk to each other too. So, while we'll be apart for 5 days, we'll still be able to communicate with each other. This will be the longest we've been apart since we've gotten married.

I'm not particularly worried about what my in-laws will say about this. They aren't being told that I'm taking this trip to get away from them, just that I'm going to spend time with my family (both are true). They'll think whatever they are going to think about my spending time away from Ace. But he and I know the truth, which is the important thing.

So, for now, I'll wait for 5 days to pass. I've got a few things to do between now and then anyway. Laundry to wash, bags to pack, Christmas with the in-laws to celebrate.

*Blink, Blink*

The other day, Ace had a conversation with my mother-in-law about a lamp that sits in the living room. It's always left on, for light for my father-in-law to see by when he goes out to the living room before he leaves for work. The last light bulb burnt out while they were on their trip to Dallas. This is, from my memory, their conversation:

Ace: You might think about replacing that lamp. It seems to burn through bulbs a little too fast.

MIL: Yeah, I know. But it didn't use to do that.

Ace and I thinking: That's why you should replace it. Because it's obviously not working like it used to.

The lamp has burned through 4 or 5 light bulbs minimum since we moved here in April. It's already been commented on as unusually often.

The lamp is still there, and probably won't be gotten rid of when it does finally get replaced.

Baby Talk

Ace and I have lots of conversations about babies, something that should surprise nobody. The other day, we were talking about whether we want a boy or a girl first, when I get pregnant.

I personally don't care one way or the other which we have. I'd be happy with either. Ace wants a girl. And that makes me smile. I mentioned that there are a lot of guys who want a boy to carry on the family name. Ace doesn't care about that.

Is it any wonder why I love this man? He wants a girl to spoil/protect/raise. I'm certain that if we have a boy, he won't mind. He'll love a son as much as he would a daughter. He's just looking forward to having a girl at this point. And that is something special.

Send Food

My mother-in-law is trying to starve me, or at least she doesn't believe me when I've said I don't like greasy food. The last two meals offered by my in-laws: KFC (extra crispy and original fried chicken, potato wedges, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob) and fish filets (fried fish, baked french fries, pork and beans, and fruit salad).

I would love a bag of salad (lettuce, carrot, and cabbage) and some salad dressing (Hidden Valley Ranch, preferably, but Italian will do too). I'm craving a red delicious apple. I dream of eating yogurt on a regular basis again. I spend half my days living on animal crackers, pudding, and goldfish crackers.

Please, somebody, send some healthy food STAT!

Surprise Reaction

I read through the library book on how to be a successful adoptive parent. I've got a list of websites to check out and a few more books to potentially read. And I have a better understanding of how adopted children feel and react, at least on some minor level.

But the part that hit me hard was how I reacted emotionally to the book. There were things that are important to know if you ever want to adopt that showed me that I'm not ready to adopt yet. I'm not quite ready to deal with problems that come with adoption when I'm still trying to get past a few of my own issues that are eerily similar.

I spent half the book trying to figure out if I'll ever be ready to help a child adjust to the fact that they were (sort of) rejected by their birth parents in order for me to even have the option of raising them. It seems overwhelming. I spent the other half of the book trying to figure out how to move past my own rejection issues that my mom raised by never seeming to figure out how to express her approval of me (if she had any). How do I help someone start to piece their life back together when I'm not finished with that project myself?

I've been feeling an odd mix of emotions since reading this book. My in-laws seem more annoying and demanding which causes me to want to push them away. Ace seems busy with stuff and I just want to hold him close for a while. It's crowded in my head and I can't quite turn off the voices telling me that I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this, even though it's been something I've already wanted to do for 10 years.

So, I sit and I try to distract myself some. Christmas specials help with that. I try to let my subconscious sort through everything and come up with something definitive. I remind myself that I'm not trying to adopt right now, so it's okay that I'm not ready emotionally yet. I wait and I breathe. And I let God and time work on the unexpectedly reopened wounds. I hug Ace a bit more often and find funny things to cheer myself up when I can. I allow myself the mental space to work on other things. I look to the future with joy, despite my uncertainty. I learn and I grow. I become a better person, which will make me a better parent when the time is right. I let go of anger and deal with the pain as best I can. I forgive and forgive and forgive until my emotions catch up with the process.

And I start reading another book, on something different, to give myself something else to think about and figure out and grow from. Because that's what this time is for, this time before children. And I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Even When They're Not Here!

I'm still alive and well. I've been distracted with World of Warcraft lately. Well, that and trying not to just complain about my in-laws.

My mother-in-law decided that we need to eat off the Christmas plates through most of December. This wouldn't be a big deal, but the Christmas plates have gold on the edges, so they can't be put in the microwave. Which is how most of the food around here gets cooked when we are individually feeding ourselves (which we have been all week, because the table is too covered with stuff from some other "vitally important" task my mother-in-law deiced to do but couldn't do in just one day). But she'd prefer it if we didn't use the microwave safe plates (from the old set of dishes, which still aren't packed up yet) so that way they'll be clean for when she does pack them up.

Then, yesterday, Ace was trying to help get the house warm enough for me to not have to wear my hoodie to feel comfortable (or long sleeves, if I don't want to). My mother-in-law noticed that she was feeling hot, but since no one wanted to actually say that it's just her (I figured that me sitting in a hoodie made it obvious that I wasn't hot) she would turn on the a/c. Shortly before they were going to leave to go to Dallas for 2 days. And just leave it on, because as long as she's comfortable who cares that I'm freezing?

I am fighting off a desire to be petty and break one of her Christmas plates. It would only make me feel marginally better for a few minutes before I felt bad about doing something so childish and immature. I'm just feeling a bit at the end of my rope here. My life, such as it currently is, seems to revolve around making my mother-in-law satisfied, even if it means I'm feeling frustrated and emotionally injured, because that's how things happen in this house. I'm getting emotional flashbacks to living with my mother, something I shouldn't have to put up with. None of this is fair or right or just or anything that indicates that I should have to live with it. But I'm supposed to not rock the boat, because then I'll be a good daughter-in-law. And I'm not sure I can do much more to not rock the boat.

It's frustrating that even when my in-laws are out of town they can still do something annoying. It's frustrating that my mother-in-law is so selfish all the time and doesn't see it. It's frustrating to feel so powerless and so stuck, waiting for things to change. It's probably not healthy living with all this frustration either.

I'm going to go. I'm going to focus on the positive that I get time with Ace right now with no one else around. And I may take a nap, because I'm tired. But mainly, I've run out of things to say.

Let's Talk About Adoption

Ace and I aren't talking about us adopting a child at this point. We're not ready to meet all the criteria for someone to be willing to let us raise a child (I know they want you to support yourself and have enough funds to support a child before they hand over a kid). That doesn't mean that I'm not reading up on adoption though.

My reasons are two fold. One, I want to adopt someday and I want to have the knowledge of how the process works and what to expect when raising an adopted child. Especially since I'm not talking about adopting a baby, but want to adopt a slightly older child, which adds to potential problems. Two, my book includes a guy who has adopted, so I need to be knowledgeable about how that happens to make my book realistic.

I originally got interested in learning more about adoption after finding out/understanding that my dad is adopted (it wasn't a big secret, I just didn't really understand what that meant for a long time). My grandmother adopted him when he was 3 days old. In college, I did a research paper on adoption, because the subject interested me. I talked with someone on campus who adopted. Interestingly for me, he had questions about my view of adoption, seeing as I was the child of an adoptee. Mostly he wondered if I wondered about my biological grandparents. To be honest, until he asked I hadn't really thought about them, but after that I was slightly curious (not curious enough to do anything about it, just curious enough to wonder).

I do think that my grandmother's decision to adopt has helped me make a similar decision. It showed me, in a very understated way, that a person could choose to love someone, that families come together in more than just one way. I love my grandmother, and I know that she loves me. But the connection we have to each other is one that was chosen, because it's not one that's based on DNA.

I won't compare my grandmothers' affections towards me, as that would be unfair to both of them. My mom's mom had 7 children. To her, I'm one of many grandchildren (at least 14, and now there are many great-grandchildren in the picture). To my dad's mom, I'm one of 3 grandchildren and I was the only one for a long time. I'm special, because she helped take care of me when I was still in diapers. She helped raise me, to a degree. And for a little while, it looked like I'd be her only grandchild. But they both love me. And that is what is truly important in my life.

I don't know quite where I'm going with all of this. I may never fully figure it all out. I just know that someday, I plan on adopting a child. I'm not sure if I would have ever decided that without my grandmother doing it first. But she did and I do. And now I'm going to go read about adoption.

Decision 2010

Ace and I talked for a little while and came to a decision about Christmas. We're skipping visiting my extended family in OKC this year. I'm not ready, and I'm not sure when I will be. Christmas should be happy, not awkward and stressful (at least, as much as it can be).

I let my cousin know this, along with letting her know that I do want to see my extended family sometime. She wasn't surprised, but she did let me know that she plans on continuing to ask me even if my answer doesn't change. She wants me to know that I'm wanted, which is what I truly got from her original message. It's nice to have someone in my extended family understand me.

It reminded me that I'm loved and missed, by people who haven't seen me in 4 years. That they still care, even if some of them couldn't show it earlier this year (because of other obligations/prior plans). It is a good reminder.

Other than that, the biggest thing happening around here is the continuation of the thermostat war. My mother-in-law turned on the a/c two days in a row for no overly obvious reason. If she was starting to get hot, there are fans she could have turned on (with less moving around on her part). I'm just happy that it's been decent temperatures outside for December (especially when my car doesn't have a fully working heater). However, even Ace thinks it's ridiculous to turn on the a/c when the weather isn't getting over 70 (highs have been in the lower 60s). I think she's trying to freeze me, which goes along with her trying to starve me as ways she's trying to either kill me or get me to leave. This woman keeps claiming she wants grandchildren, but she's fighting the possibility of that happening every step of the way while we're living here.

Soon, we will be on our own again. Next week/weekend (we're not sure exactly when or how long at this point), the in-laws are going out of town on a business/pleasure trip (business for father-in-law, then pleasure for both after his business is concluded). So, very soon, Ace and I will have some time alone. There's already been talk of Chinese food to celebrate.

And now, I must go to bed, as it's 2 a.m. and I have plans tomorrow morning.

Annoyance

My mother-in-law is annoying me. It's probably not 100% her fault, after all I've been easier to irritate lately and my mind has been trying to solve 3 different things all at once. But she's annoying me none-the-less.

It started Thanksgiving day. My mother-in-law got a new set of dishes, which would be no big deal if she had Ace and I help her pack the old ones away before she started using the new ones. But she didn't. The new dishes apparently made their debut at the dinner we missed.

She's packing up the old dishes now (or at least moving them out of the cabinets and on top of whatever is covering the counters near where they were), although I have no clue where they are going (not with us when we move, I want to pick my own dishes out thanks).

At dinner, she asked Ace if he and I would help find the Christmas tree and the Christmas dishes soon. Because more dishes added to the mess that is this house will help (Send help, I'm starting to abuse sarcasm!) (uhh... we have a few weeks before they need to be washed for their one day of use before being washed and packed back up again for another year). And because we'll be bringing the tree down, we'll have to clear space for it in the living room and probably decorate it too.

Normally, I don't mind decorating a Christmas tree (Ace does, but I kind of enjoy decorating the tree when I'm in charge of it), but having to clear stuff out to make room for one is annoying me as much as my mother-in-law's desire to have all these sets of dishes cluttering up the small amount of space that's available in the house.

My only salvation is that this weekend Ace and I have plans and next weekend, my in-laws will be out of town. I will have some alone time with my husband while they are gone. I can, hopefully, de-stress and get in the Christmas spirit.

In the mean time, I'm just going to work on not breaking dishes out of frustration while wondering why there is so much crap in this house. The dishes haven't done anything wrong.

Day 30

Today, I'm thankful for one of my cousins (a particular one).

I have mentioned, sometime in the past, that I have lots of cousins, mostly female. This means several things: a cousin of mine seems to be pregnant most of the time, given that I have less contact with my cousins than most of them have with each other I feel left out of most family things, and if I talk about one of my cousins in two different posts I'm likely talking about two different cousins.

One of my cousins sent me a message on FaceBook earlier, inviting me to Christmas. She's trying to organize my mom's family's Christmas, and she wanted to let me know that they would love to see me. She also wanted to let me know that she understands why I've stayed away. It's meant a lot that someone close to my age is actually reaching out, most of my extended family hasn't reached out.

It was an invitation extended without any demand for anything other than a response on if I'd be willing to come. Someone offering an olive branch of peace and a reminder that at least some of my extended family would love to see me.

I haven't decided yet on if I'll go. I need to think about it for a little bit first. I need to figure out if it's a situation I think I can handle emotionally. But the fact that someone, other than an aunt who bruised our relationship, asked means the world to me. It helps me to feel that me reaching out earlier this year has brought about some kind of bigger positive response. It would be nice to see those who I know care about me. I don't want to take too long on this decision, because there are other things that are decided based on my decision, but I also want to make sure I make the right choice for me.

My cousin gave me something that warmed my heart and helped heal some of the hurt that this year has brought. And for that, I am truly grateful.

Day 29

Today, I am thankful for World of Warcraft.

Ace and I play a lot of WoW. We spent most of the weekend playing WoW, since he wasn't working. It's a game that I don't play nearly as much as Ace does, but it is something we do together.

Day 28

Today, I am thankful for Anthony Bourdain.

I have already professed my admiration for Mr. Bourdain. I've expressed how he makes me want to be more adventurous with my eating. Right now, I am thankful for his book about his show No Reservations.

After reading a book full of words and comparisons on meanings of words, I'm thankful for his book. There are a lot of pictures from his travels around the globe. The pictures are wonderful, and I would love to buy this book just to look at the pictures and dream of seeing these places in person.

But after a wordy book (I will confess, I chose the other book and greatly enjoyed it), it's nice to read a book that gives Tony's thoughts on a country and then shows me lots of pictures (with explanations). There are just the right amount of words to help cleanse my mental palate before delving back into the library for more books sometime later in the week.

Tony, or Mr. Bourdain (whichever you prefer), you've done such a great job writing this that I can hear you narrating it in my head as I read. I only wish that it covered more than just the first 3 years of your show. I can only hope that sometime, in the future, you will put out another similar book about more of the world. But if not, I'll be content with what you have shared.

And now I must go to bed, as it is late (roughly 2:30 in the morning) and my body has been demanding more sleep since I got up.

Day 27

Today, I am thankful for YouTube.

YouTube has provided me with hours of entertainment, listening to music. In fact, if I don't have some song I like on my iPod (and there are a lot I don't), I'll look for it on YouTube. I'll look for songs I do have on YouTube too (if I'm already searching for something else.

I also appreciate watching celebrities from the 40s and 50s on What's My Line on YouTube. I realize that most of the celebrities are dead or no longer working, but it's fascinating to see how they try to disguise their voices.

YouTube is just a fun site for me to go spend time, so I'm thankful that someone (or a group of someones) made the site. Thanks for all the fun!