There Is a Problem

Before I get into the post proper, allow me to proclaim that I am a Christian and that half of what I'm typing is probably being typed to me as well as anybody else. I'll admit that I am not perfect, in fact I'm probably pretty far from perfect. But, I feel like this is something that needs to be said.

Christians of the world, we have a problem. And until we get it straightened out, Jesus won't reach some of the people he should.

Before you get all up in arms, I know there is probably more than one problem in the body of Christ. But I'm focusing on this one, because it is the one that is on my mind. What problem is this? Let me tell you.

Christians are being too judgmental. The whole thing reminds me of the supposed Mommy Wars online. If we have even the slightest differences in belief from each other, then we seem to feel it's alright to judge. If I show up at church in a dress that's tighter than you would like, or worse in jeans, then I know that most places I'll be judged. My worth as a person is judged based on superficial things.

We seem to feel that as one of God's saved, we can sit in judgment over others. I find it frustrating, because I clearly remember red letters saying "Judge not that ye be not judged." (Matt. 7:1, KJV) We've been told not to judge by Jesus, the person we've decided to model our lives after. He even tells us why, we'll be judged by the same standards we judge with.

What sinner wants to face a group of people who are already judging them? What sinner wants to believe in a God waiting to condemn them for any and all wrongs they make? What Christian wants that either?

This is, in my opinion, a big problem among Christians. It seems to be a big part of the reason that some churches are dying off. I'm not trying to say that we, as Christians, need to tolerate any and all behavior from others. I'm just trying to encourage us all to look past the sin and love the sinner. God made this person too. They are probably hurting inside. Let's help them find the love of God to make them whole. And we need to start by showing each other love. Just because someone believes in Jesus, that doesn't mean that they aren't hurting too.

Christians of the world, let's start following after Jesus. Let's turn our image back to one of people who happily help serve others, no matter their faith. Let's bring God's love to the world.

Introverted and Shy

Ace and I did some reading not too long ago about the differences between introverts and extroverts. We found ourselves nodding along with how introverts want extroverts to treat them, seeing lots of ourselves in the articles we were reading.

One of my big problems is that in addition to being introverted, I am also shy sometimes. And my shyness has manifested at some really odd times. As we read through information about introverts, it was interesting to see where the differences between introversion and shyness were.

My preference for talking with people one-on-one is part of my introversion. My dislike of being the center of attention for groups is part of my introversion and part of my shyness both. My lack of a desire to speak to people who I know care about me because I feel like I might disappoint someone is part my shyness.

The articles were aimed at trying to explain introverts to extroverts. Unfortunately, most extroverts don't ever understand that introverts aren't broken. We don't feel energized by parties or group settings. We can handle them, but we want to leave long before extroverts do. We LIKE being alone, it gives us time to think. We don't like listening to an extrovert spew every thought that pops into their heads right out of their mouths. We wonder where their filter is.

This is a problem for most extroverts. They don't understand this. It is so foreign to their way of thinking that they don't try to comprehend it. It leads to frustrated introverts who feel like they're wishes are ignored. It leads to introverts faking a smile to get through a social engagement that feels never ending. It leads to introverts who are exhausted. It also leads to people feeling like they aren't supported because they have different needs than the extroverts who surround them and those needs aren't being met.

It's a communication problem that Ace and I hope to not have with our kids. We want them to be able to be reasonably able to effectively communicate with those around them. If any of our kids are extroverts, and we recognize the possibility of that happening, we want to instill an understanding that introverts have different needs from extroverts at times.

Hopefully, the shyness won't really be a factor for our kids. Because shyness sucks.

A Welcome Relief

Tulsa has been having rain. It's been wonderful, as we've finally had a few days where the weather stayed below 100 degrees. I'm not fully sure how much longer the rain will stay, but I am thankful for it while it is here.

I'm ready for the weather to start changing for the fall. I'd rather not be stuck here during the day because of the heat. I miss getting out of the house while the sun is shining.

The fans have been getting a break, because of the cooler weather. It's been a welcome relief during such a hot summer.

Now if only the heat were the only thing causing problems with my stomach. (Thank you antacids for helping with me feel closer to normal.)

In Her Natural Habitat

Today, we are going to be looking at M.A. Smith in her natural habitat. It appears to be a regular house. She goes about her day, reading on the internet, eating occasionally, and trying to convince her husband that they should go somewhere to get her out of the house.

Oh, it's a special look at the half-asleep house-wife. She's walking to the bathroom with her eyes half closed. Someone calls out a "Hi" and let's see how she responds.

*Grunt*

I guess M.A. Smith isn't too responsive while half-asleep. Let's give her a few more hours of sleep before we try to find out more about her.

Next up: NOVA.

Goose Bumps

Ace and I went to Target this morning and bought two fans for our room. We also bought a clock that measures the temperature of the room it's in (we are wondering how warm the room gets).

The clock is saying that it's 86 in here. That explains why I've been so hot.

With the fan that I have blowing on me, I'm actually feeling somewhat chilly. I've got goose bumps.

I've forgotten how nice it is to be cold in the summer. It's nice to wonder if I should put on another layer, or just stay a little chilly.

This room may be staying 86 degrees, but I've got goose bumps. And that thrills me to no end.

Heat Wave

It's ridiculously hot this summer. 26 of the days in July were over 100 degrees. This is not a pleasant time to live without a practically brand new a/c.

Because of the heat, I'm currently staying home for the most part when the sun is up. I have been going with Ace to prayer night this summer, but that is preempted by not feeling so hot.

The heat is starting to affect my sleep too. I'm getting too hot to easily fall asleep, which leads to me being grouchy from being tired. The heat is also making me grouchy. My head is not a fun place to be right now.

Add to that very sensitive breasts, feeling like my shorts are too snug, and having to be alone with my in-laws, I'm not a happy camper. I'm doing my best to just relax and take it easy. My body is not really helping with that.

Please tell me it won't be long until it starts cooling down again.

Another Day, Same Content

A while back, in May, there was work done on the garage. Since then, things haven't fully been put to right in the garage. This is seriously bugging my father-in-law, because he wants my mother-in-law's car in the garage.

My mother-in-law, who doesn't like to toss anything she thinks she might use, is SLOWLY putting things where she wants them. My father-in-law keeps wanting Ace to just put things up on the shelves that were built to get everything out of the way but my mother-in-law wants things organized her way.

Earlier, Ace put some stuff on the shelves, trying to show his father that he is doing something to get the car in the garage. His mother is upset, because this is messing up her arrangement, I think.

This is an argument that isn't going anywhere, and probably never will. At some point, either she's going to get everything organized out there, or she'll give up and everything will just be put up in a jumbled mess.

Either way, I don't care. I'm just ready for the argument to end. And as tempting as tossing all the stuff is, I don't want to hear the flack we would get for doing that.

Can someone send some help before a hormonal woman goes on a rampage of destruction?

Slightly Longer Short Update

Still waiting. Haven't taken another pregnancy test yet, but I probably will soon.

The heat is insane and not helping me feel like doing anything. My in-laws need a new a/c unit, because the one they have obviously wasn't meant to deal with this many over 100 degrees days in a row (that sentence seems awkward, grammatically).

I'm still easily distracted by things and wondering why I decided to learn to knit during the hottest summer I can recall (also, not doing much knitting right now).

Basically, the heat/pregnancy/whatever is sapping my desire to do much more than lay around and watch tv/movies or read on the internet. And it's making me crankier than normal too. How much longer until fall weather?

P.S.: I'm somewhat wordy right now, but not in the mood to talk, which doesn't help the situation.

Short Update

My period is over 2 weeks late.

I've taken two different pregnancy tests. They've both come up not pregnant.

I've got some symptoms that indicate pregnancy, but they could be something else too (I guess).

All this waiting and wondering is making me grouchier to live with. I'm keeping most of my grouchy complaining to myself, but it's annoying me.

I'm ready for some cooler weather.

Sillyness and Other Things

Ace recently asked me the silliest question ever: "Would you be upset if I got up and offered you chocolate?" Why would I be upset about getting chocolate? He did admit that it was a silly question.

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In other news, my period still hasn't shown up. I did take a pregnancy test that came up negative, but I'm not sure how accurate it might have been.

Also, today I took a nap, because I was going to fall asleep whether I wanted to or not.

Don't quite know what to make of everything right now.

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My in-laws have had one of their vehicles in the shop since Monday (I know, it's only been 2 days, but it's fairly inconvenient for us). Hopefully tomorrow they will have all the cars back here again. I'm getting a bit stir crazy and the only vehicle we currently have available has no working a/c, hurts Ace when he tries to drive it, is hard to get into, and we both hate. So, we are stuck here.

On the plus side, the in-laws are currently planning to be out of town Friday night/most of the day Saturday. Ace and I are talking about ordering a pizza to celebrate our chance to be alone.

Socially Awkward

I have come to the conclusion lately that my inner crotchety old person comes out when it comes to social networking. It's not that I'm a hermit, it's just that I prefer more hermit like living in general.

This spills over from internet into real life too. I have friends, good ones, but few that I feel I can tell just anything to. Mostly because most of my friends don't have the time to devote to talking with me on a large variety of subjects and connecting solidly with me to get me to the point where I feel like I've effectively built a close relationship. It's not their fault that my brain declares me to be a time-intensive person to have a close relationship, I totally understand them feeling that other things in their lives are more important, because they are. It doesn't mean that the relationships are lacking closeness, it just means there are topics that I don't discuss with them (always politics, religion and/or sex, depending on the friend).

That is really the only part that spills over from social networking sites. For the most part, I find that I'm fairly sure that I couldn't effectively communicate most of the time in only 140 characters. I find that when I do update my FaceBook status, it's usually with something silly and inane that means nothing in the long run. I am always forgetting to take my camera with me when I go to see people, so I don't have a lot of pictures.

It's not that I'm against social networking. I just don't see it as something that is important for me. I'd prefer an e-mail from my extended family. I'd rather take the time to go visit my dad and have a real conversation. I'd rather not obsess over which one(s) of my cousins is pregnant. Social networking may keep me more plugged into what's happening with my family, but there are some things I'd rather not know.

So, the crotchety old lady in me keeps waving her cane at the social networking sites and yelling for them to get off her lawn. She's connected enough, thank you.

Late

I'm back in that vague waiting state. My period is late, but I'm resisting testing to see if my period is just late or if I'm pregnant.

This delay has been coupled with feeling more tired than usual, although that could be blamed on the heat.

I'm late, but I'm waiting.

Distracted

I haven't forgotten about this place, I've just been distracted with other stuff lately. Ace and I have been playing lots of World of Warcraft. And I've been distracted with other computer games too.

I've finally done something to learn how to knit (after saying something a LONG time ago about learning to knit). I bought a starting kit at Wal-mart on Tuesday. I'm not sure how well I'll learn to knit just based on the book in the kit, but there are YouTube videos about knitting if I need the help.

So, pardon the dust around here, I've been distracted lately. It may stay a bit dusty around here for a little while I learn to knit. But I'll try to come back by and post somewhat more regularly.

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

For my book, I've had to look up info on stalking. The whole thing sounds horrific from a victim's standpoint. It's good on one hand, because it'll be able to make my main character more believable in her fear.

However, it's taught me things I wish I didn't know. Things about how often women report stalking behavior. Things that a huge part of me will never be able to forget. It'll add things to my book, it'll make my book more real, it'll potentially give me nightmares.

I wish stalking wasn't a problem. That people didn't obsess or took no for an answer. That everyone who's been stalked would be able to feel safe as soon as they can get away from their stalker. I wish stalking was something that never happened.

So, yeah. That's where I'm at right now.

Plotting a Plot

I took some time off to start feeling better emotionally again. I know why my emotions were raw and why I was fighting off depression, but it wasn't anything worthy of a post. It was just stuff with my in-laws still bothering me.

Instead of focusing on that, I'm going to focus on my book. Lately, I haven't been writing on it, but I have been fleshing out my characters more and adding parts to my plot. The only problem with that is that all this work has been done when I've been away from my computer, so all my notes are slightly scattered and need to be gathered together.

But I'm starting to get a much fuller idea as to who at least some of my characters are and what happened in their pasts, which helps to determine what they'll do now. I still need to work on a few other characters, to round them out more. They need more dimensions than 2. My bad guy is still fairly flat. He needs some depth. Even if I never explain his background, I need to know some of it.

But I'm happy that my plot is coming along. I'm okay with not working on the actual book portion right this second, since I'm still working on the book. It's funny, because I already know the main plot of this book, but the details are starting to come together. I already know that one of my characters is clamoring for her own story to be told. And I know, roughly, what I want that story to be. Once upon a time, I never dreamed that I'd be writing a book, let alone that book having a sequel. But here I am, plotting them out, working on telling these stories.

And maybe someday soon, I'll be writing this book out, instead of trying to get all the details and such organized. Won't that be a wonderful day!

Describing My Feelings

Yesterday, I tried to describe to Ace. We were on our way to prayer night and I was trying to explain why I wasn't working on my novel, after finally finding my way past some major writer's block.

It's slightly difficult to describe feelings. Especially ones that are painful. I told him that I didn't understand people who cut themselves to stop feeling emotional pain for a while. My emotional pain feels physically painful. And I dislike physical pain, why would I cause myself pain? I will admit to having hurt others emotionally while I was hurting. I know that I was trying to lash out, even when they were offering sympathy and comfort. Sometimes the pain seems too hard to see past in the moment.

I've been fighting off depression. I know, in my head, that someday I should talk to someone about this depression. I should find out if there is a chemical imbalance, or if it's just my own cycle of negative thoughts that bring me to these dark places. But right now, it's not the right time. Financially, it's the totally wrong time. And the negativity of the people we are living with isn't helping.

I wish I could adequately describe how depression feels for me. The English language doesn't seem to have the right words. And it's never that the simple, basic things are any physically harder to do then, but they FEEL like they take all this effort. I FEEL like I have no energy. While I have the energy to feed myself if you set food in front of me, I don't FEEL like I have the energy to get up to make food for myself, until I am extremely hungry. Getting up and moving, while not physically painful, is painful. Anyone making any kind of request of me during that time seems to be asking me to move mountains for them (not literally, obviously).

Most of that last paragraph, that's the closest I can come to describing how things are when I'm depressed. Part of me wonders why I should do anything, when it's all so difficult to do and feels painful to boot. Ace, in his own wonderful way, helps me pull myself out of that funk. He understands, at least as much as he can, that I am trying. He refuses to just let me wallow in my head until I finally find my way clear. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure where I'd be.

If anyone knows of any better descriptions of how depression feels, let me know.

As I Lay Trying to Sleep

Saturday night, as I was trying to get some sleep, I finally figured out some key things for my novel (the one I'm supposed to be writing, but hadn't been able to in a long time). I finally felt like I broke through some block that was keeping me from writing.

I wish I could say that thoughts coming to me as I'm trying to sleep was new, but it's not. My brain could be half asleep and I could be drifting off to sleep until my head hits the pillow and then my brain decides it's time to wake up. And often it's the time when I have amazing insights into things.

And all of that would be great, except... Except that I'm supposed to be going to sleep. And those insights, they wake me up more. My brain starts making more connections to things, and figuring more things out and I feel the urge to get up and make notes about whatever it is that is going through my head. Then I feel tired the next day, because I didn't get enough sleep, because I had this stuff in my head that "needed" to be dealt with right then.

On the plus side, I have a place to start working on my book again. I can be creative. Hopefully, the book will content itself to my waking hours and let me sleep when I'm trying to sleep. Hopefully my characters won't start demanding more of my bedtime.

And those are the kinds of things that happen as I lay trying to sleep.

Happy Father's Day!

The other night, I was trying to think of something to write about my dad. I was supposed to be going to sleep, but it seemed important to figure out some way to celebrate my dad on Father's Day, since I wasn't going to get to see him on the day this year.

Then, I remembered how he entertained me while we went grocery shopping when I was younger. He'd tease me in several ways. He'd pretend he was going to bump into all the posts holding up the roof, but that it was my fault because I was in the driver's seat (I kept pointing out that I was just riding, he was steering, but it just kept happening). He would pretend that I was going to be supper (not that I really believed him). He'd scratch my head and tell me that puppies liked to be scratched behind their ears (and that he was just stating a fact when I pointed out that I wasn't a puppy).

I'm fairly certain that half of the purpose of entertaining/teasing me was to entertain and tease himself, but it did keep grocery shopping from being completely dull. I don't remember half the stuff my mom put in the cart or most of the meals she made, but I remember him teasing/entertaining me throughout the grocery store. It takes a special kind of person not to care if someone was going to look at you like you're crazy just to keep your child entertained. And, as much as I feel silly admitting it, I miss that stuff. It was silly and probably annoyed me quite a bit as a child, but it was the kind of thing that started the wonderful relationship we have now.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy! The next time I go grocery shopping, I think of you.

Less Broken

Ace and I were talking recently and I talked about how I don't feel quite the same person as I was when we got married.

Shortly after Ace and I got married, I went through a faze of trying to fix myself emotionally. I read a lot of self-help books and tried to undo some of the damage my mother had done. After a while (roughly a year), I realized two things: 1. I couldn't fix the broken parts of my relationship with my mom. and 2. I wasn't going to be able to fix the parts of me that the relationship with my mom had broken.

After I stopped talking with my mom, things sort of started to get better. I had a few bumps of wondering what was wrong with me that my mother couldn't seem to love before realizing that it had nothing to do with me, but I would imagine that's part of the healing process.

I realized that I don't feel nearly as broken as I used to. I've had a few other, unrelated things that made me feel broken, but my emotions seem to have done quite a bit of healing. It seems that while I've been busy living my life and trusting God to heal my emotional wounds, they've been healed.

I don't know when I'll be fully fixed. I know that I'll always have some emotional scars. I have been changed by my experiences. Some of the pieces may not fit as well as they should. But I am closer to whole than I've been in a long time. And I'm certain, in the end, I'll be whole again.

Whirling Thoughts

One of my cousins just announced her pregnancy earlier. I, not being that close to her, didn't know until I read her post. I'm not quite sure how I feel.

This is a cousin who routinely makes me think about how ready I am to have kids because she is still finding it hard to adjust to having children (2 already, 1 on the way). I'm not sure why she and I are on such different wavelengths with regards to being a parent, but we obviously are.

This was a surprise pregnancy for her. She wasn't planning on having any more children right now. I'm trying not to think of how long Ace and I have been trying and how many months I've been disappointed to see my period show up. I am holding on to most of my thoughts to sort through them and discard the unuseful ones later. I am not talking about how my emotions are mixed, because I seriously take issue with myself for having mixed emotions.

One of my cousins is pregnant. I am on the tail end of one of the shortest periods I've ever had. I'm not sure all the hormones are gone yet.

My cousin is pregnant. She's due in January. And the only full thought that keeps ringing through my head is "My cousin is pregnant."

God is Faithful

Despite the feeling that the second half of May was stormy and frustrating, I never did get caught up in the undertow and dragged down into depression. For that, I am truly thankful. I did feel, towards the end of the day on the 31st, that I had nothing left to give to anyone because people kept making demands of me, but I wasn't depressed. I was just tired.

It's been just over a week since then. I'm feeling better, now that I've had some time away from demands. I feel a bit more like myself. I'm still looking out for the undertow, because I remember how quickly it can drag me to places I don't want to be. I'm trying to find my peacefulness again.

Yesterday, Ace and I went to pray for a local ministry. While we were there, we got to fellowship with a fellow Christian. She gave us some money for a dinner out to celebrate Ace's birthday. She helped us see the brightness of our future instead of focusing on our current circumstances. She blessed us far more than she will ever know. And she kept telling us that we were blessing her too. She found it hard to believe that we are coming up on our 8th anniversary, because we are still so obviously in love.

Things like that are what help strengthen my relationship with God. Every time I think I've reached a breaking point, I find a new measure of strength. Every time I need encouragement the most, someone is there to encourage me. When I need hope the most, some how hope finds me. Every time I wonder if some part of my story is going to have a sad ending, I find that the end hasn't come yet.

I understand how having something that hurts you to the core, shakes everything you thought you believed, can pull you away from God. I understand how losing something you had been praying for, waiting for, hoping for can make you mad and hurt and not ready to be friendly with God. But I also understand how, when the time is done and you find out more of the story, God's mercy and love can be seen shining through.

Every time something tragic and painful has happened to me, I found that after it was over, my faith had grown stronger. Every time, I found out something that showed me how God was looking out for me. No matter how much the emotional storms are raging, God always finds a way to give me the compassion and love that I so desperately need to find my way through to the end. And every time I start feeling like giving up, I only need to remember the good things, no matter how small, that have happened in the past to find the strength to carry on.

I know what it is to hurt. I know what it is to face loss. I know what it means to be broke and hungry. And all of those things have made me a stronger person. I have found that my God is bigger than my circumstances. He loves me. He never lets me walk alone. And during all those times, He has helped me find peace.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Phil. 4:13 KJV

Rehashing Old Ground

Ace and I have spent time this past week rehashing the "discussion" he had with my in-laws. Today, I think we found some of the main reasons we are so frustrated with this whole situation. But that's not what I want to talk about (again).

I'm wondering why Ace and I keep talking about this kind of stuff. Is it that we are trying to find logic? Are we trying to figure out how this isn't all our fault? Why do we keep circling the same topics, topics that my in-laws are the ones to bring up in the first place?

I have no answers for my questions. I know that part of us is looking for logic, but that part will keep coming up short (there is precious little logic in most of my in-laws' decisions). How do these people keep stirring up things that keep chasing our figurative tails around in circles of conversation?

It's not the first time I've noticed that Ace and I have conversations that keep circling back to one main topic, but it has been fairly frustrating this time around. Every time we seem to start moving on, one of us (okay, usually me) realizes something new about that whole "discussion" and it's the topic of the hour again. I think my brain is chasing something and it won't quite leave the insanity alone until it's found what it is chasing or loses it completely.

At least this time we aren't rehashing stuff my mom did in the past. I'm pretty sure Ace is glad to hear about someone else for a change.

Other than that, life is much better.

Moving Forward

I survived May 2011. This is probably a bigger deal in my head than in real life, since the month of May isn't really out to get me. But this year, it felt like it was trying since May was so stressful.

Yesterday, we cleaned out our car and sold it to be scrapped. The guy who we sold it to had promised us one amount and then when we got there (with the title) he would only give us a different, lesser amount. It was stupid and frustrating.

After the way everything had been going, I cried a bit. I fought crying, but it happened anyway. Then I spent the evening doing nothing in particular except relaxing (the plans Ace and I thought we had weren't happening, so I could just relax without it being a problem). I declared my night anti-social and shut out the world from our room. I took the night off and spent it focusing on me. Today, Ace let me spend the day mostly focusing on relaxing and getting rid of residual stress.

But, now that I'm closer to feeling like myself again, it's time to move forward. It's time to focus on June and the potential it has. It's, hopefully, just about time to get a newer vehicle and soon after move out of my in-laws' house (they gave Ace a potential lead on a job that will pay enough for us to get out fairly soon). It's time to remember Ace's birthday and our anniversary. It's time to move forward with our lives and not dwell in the past.

Perception

My in-laws and Ace are having a "discussion". Sitting here, listening in, it's starting to make me mad. Because my in-laws aren't listening to Ace about the fact that they need to try to look at some things from our perspective too.

They are pissed that I, personally, am not doing things they see to help out, so I must not do anything around here. They assume that I'm wanting things done for me (not really, I just don't want to get in the way). They aren't listening to Ace telling them that every time they ask him to do something they sound like he needs to do it right away.

There is clearly a communication issue going on here. Everyone is trying to talk, but not everyone seems to be actually listening to what is being said (Ace's parents). I have always believed that the purpose of a conversation or a discussion is to actually communicate with others. If I were to go by the "discussions" that Ace has with his parents (that always last hours longer than they really need to), discussions and conversations are just there to vent your feelings and demand someone see things from your point of view while refusing to do the same.

One of the few more positive results that came out of this whole thing is that Ace and I will be responsible for our own meals most nights. This means we can eat when we get hungry instead of waiting for my mother-in-law to cook. It should help stop me from feeling hungry for quite so long in the evenings.

Ace is hoping that we can get out of here as fast as possible. It's quickly becoming obvious that everyone is miserable in this house. My father-in-law flat out stated (practically yelled) that he will never apologize for hurting my feelings while teasing me. I shouldn't have such thin skin, at least to my in-laws' way of thinking. I don't understand why hurting my feelings is less deserving of an apology than if he physically hurt me (or even just bumped into me). I am also supposedly less of a good Christian because I was still upset and hurt two days after the event (good Christians are apparently never show non-Christian traits because they are still hurt).

Ace is frustrated because he has specifically tried to get me to not push through the pain to finish some project because he knows I'll hurt for several days and not be able to do anything. His parents seem to think that I'm acting stuck up and high-and-mighty because I'm trying to do what my husband wants me to do. I think I'm in a no-win situation as long as we stay here. And it frustrates me, because you would think my mother-in-law would understand trying not to do too much, since she has pain everyday. Of course, she keeps pushing through until she can't do stuff any more, so I guess that should teach me a lesson (forget that if I did, I wouldn't be able to do anything productive for several days because of the pain).

I know that I'm whining here again. I hate that. I should be typing something about how much all our military impresses me and how much I appreciate each and every family that has someone (or more than one someone) serving. I do appreciate these people. They impress me. I'm not sure how I would handle Ace being gone for so long, other than, I guess, the same way the military families do it. Call and e-mail as much as you can, miss your loved one, keep living day to day life. I don't know if my character would fully be strong enough to handle that. The people who do deserve love and compassion. The people serving deserve love and compassion too. They, too, are away from their loved ones. They don't know for sure when, or if, they will be back home again.

I'm trying to put things in the right perspective. My in-laws make that hard to do.

Info Dump

Last night, I was needing some love and support (and a nice long discussion) with Ace. I couldn't quite figure out how to say the words, but I felt a desire to get his attention by throwing a book at his head (not a very productive way to get attention, and not good for the book either). While I resisted this urge, I did end up getting some time with Ace.

We're noticing a pattern. Living with my in-laws, it starts becoming easier to live as roommates than to try to live as a couple. We don't get much time alone, and his parents have the worst timing for wanting Ace to do something if we try to have a conversation or just spend some time hanging out. It's like there's a light somewhere that goes on when Ace starts having fun and they've decided they don't want that light to stay lit.

Unfortunately, Ace can't really fully handle supporting me emotionally while doing everything his parents want him to do physically. It ends up leaving him with no time left for himself and his relaxation. It frustrates me, because his parents seem to get needier right at the moments I'm getting close to the end of my emotional rope and really need some love and support.

I'm trying to find a balance right now. One that doesn't require Ace to give me quite as much emotional support, but one that also doesn't leave me thinking of heaving books (or other things) at people. That would be easier if we weren't currently having transportation problems.

Right now, my in-laws seem to be walking on eggshells towards me. Or rather, my mother-in-law is. My father-in-law seems to be trying to ignore me. Not too long ago, I finally felt frustrated enough to tell them that I was still upset about something my father-in-law had said and that I wanted an apology. I don't think he feels he has anything to apologize for, so he's avoiding it (and me) until who knows when. My mother-in-law just doesn't want me slamming doors again, I think. It was the first time either one of them has seen that I have a temper (I keep my temper in check fairly well, and I am fairly slow to anger). While they seem to speak more while angry, I shut my mouth when I get angry. In fact, the few words I said to show my anger was the most I've normally said while angry. I think my anger has thrown them for a loop.

I'm going to go try to focus on something positive for a while. Because that will help me find a bit more balance.

The Bad News

Earlier, Ace and I got some bad news about our car. The engine would have to be replaced for it to work again. Replacing the engine will probably cost more than the car is worth.

I cried, and felt foolish while I did. There have been too many pieces of bad news and stressful situations lately. My emotions have run the gamut of excitement to frustrated to angry in the past week and a half.

I don't know what Ace and I will do for a vehicle at this point. We haven't decided. I don't think it's fully sunk in that we will probably be getting a newer car. My brain keeps telling me that I'll walk outside and see our car sitting there waiting to take me somewhere. And then I remember that my car is currently in Stroud, OK and is probably waiting for me to come clean it out.

Ace has offered me chocolate and some cuddle time. It helped for a while, but I'm back to feeling upset about the whole situation. I'm trying to keep from saying that it's not fair, because I know that the world isn't really fair. The whining wouldn't do any good.

Please, somebody, give me some good news. I could use it.

Graduation Take 2

Now that my brain isn't quite as fried*, I can tell the story of how yesterday went.

*I make no promises that my brain isn't still fried, just that I'm doing better mentally than I was yesterday when I got home.

Ace and I set out toward OKC yesterday about 9 a.m. We had breakfast, that we were eating on the way, and a full tank of glass. About 10 miles from our exit from the turnpike, our water pump decided to break (unknown to us) and we had problems with our car getting overheated. We pulled over to the side of the turnpike, popped the hood of the car, and called my dad to let him know we were having problems.

My dad and step-mom had just been planning to drive by where the graduation was going to happen before meeting us for lunch. Instead, they stopped to buy some coolant (since we just thought the car had overheated) and rushed to rescue us. My step-mom took care of talking to my sister (who was also meeting us for lunch) and called me back to try to get a closer idea as to where we were.

After roughly half an hour, my dad and step-mom arrived. Nicely, we had the windows open to help create a nice breeze while we were waiting, so it wasn't too hot (people driving past at about 75 mph helps with moving air. While my dad and Ace tried to figure out of if the car was just overheated, I got in my dad's car with my step-mom. A tow-truck driver pulled over to see if he could help too. That's when it was determined that it was the water pump that broke.

After another 20 minutes, spent trying to figure out if we had roadside assistance already with our insurance, we were finally able to leave, Ace and my car locked and waiting for a tow-truck, and head to pick up some lunch before we got to the graduation.

The actual graduation was, well, fairly boring. Lots of random speeches that didn't really say much (okay, it was only 3, but it felt like a lot more). Graduating seniors who behaved themselves. Parents/families/friends who couldn't keep from making a spectacle of themselves by cheering/blowing air horns/making lots of noise. Not that the parents/families/friends were quiet for anything other than the Star Spangled Banner.

Afterwards, there were plenty of pictures taken of/with my brother. My mom oddly thanked me for coming to watch my brother graduate (it was odd, because why wouldn't I?). There was a brief trip over to the high school to try to recreate a picture from around the time that I graduated.

After that, my dad drove Ace and I back to Tulsa before heading back to OKC for one more night there. My step-mom stayed with my siblings, which was great since she is still recovering from a semi-recent surgery. I had an enjoyable talk with my dad while Ace relaxed in the back.

Over all, it was a good day. The problems with the car weren't so fun, but they weren't the end of the world (my dad is generously fixing our car for us). And despite the fact that it was frustrating at the time, we have someone who was willing and able to help us. My dad and step-mom are going to deal with the mechanics and let us know when our car is able to be picked up. We just have to get my in-laws to let us borrow a vehicle to go pick it up (which shouldn't be a problem). The day might not have gone as it was originally planned, but we all got to see my brother graduate.

And that was worth all the hassles.

Graduation

I'm alive. I'm as healthy as I was when I left to go to my brother's graduation.

Tomorrow, I'll have a nice post about how the day went (there was drama, but it was from something completely unexpected).

Too tired now. Must focus on something silly for a while.

Things I'm Thankful For

I feel like I've been whining and complaining a lot lately. Here on my blog, in real life, in my head. I don't like this. I'm thinking it's time to be focusing on things I'm thankful for.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. Claritin; it's been helping me breathe when whatever is affecting my lungs is messing with me.

2. Ace; he's been especially great while I've been emotional lately. He's been putting up with my non-sense for longer than seems fair.

3. My dad; Saturday, when we go to my brother's graduation, he's buying us lunch and giving us gas money for our trip. He helps make the certainty of seeing my mother seem less bad.

4. Half-priced drinks from Sonic.

5. God; He blessed me with some wonderful people who care about me. He cares about me. Even when people have let me down, He is there for me.

Just Over-Sensitive, I Guess

At lunch, Ace accidentally turned and bumped into me. He didn't hurt me and apologized right away since it was an accident. Then his father started "teasing" that it didn't matter if I fell because no one would care.

I got upset, because I would care if I feel, and so would Ace. The "teasing" continued with my father-in-law saying that Ace obviously wouldn't care since he bumped into me. I realized that I wouldn't be able to calm my anger/irritation down enough to calmly order, so I told Ace what I wanted and headed back to the table.

Ace's father decided to talk to Ace and remark that he was just teasing. Ace, in a wonderful moment of protection, pointed out that he was being insensitive to me, since I obviously had a problem with what he had to say (especially when claiming that my husband didn't care if I got hurt/fell). Apparently this greatly angered my father-in-law and he complained that I was being overly sensitive and he didn't know what would upset me like that. Shortly into their conversation, my mother-in-law told them that this was not the time to get into this conversation (she was trying to keep any fights out of the public eye, which I appreciate).

The problem is my father-in-law wants a relationship without having to do the work to get a relationship. He doesn't really seem to care about me, but he wants to be able to treat me like my sister-in-law who he's known since before Ace was 10 (Ace is 30 now). And he thinks it's okay to say the same things to me that he would to my sister-in-law, despite the fact that she and I are very different people. He doesn't recognize that with my background, the topic of relationships is a sensitive one.

My father-in-law thinks he's perfect and that all the misunderstandings in any relationship are the fault of the other person. In this, he is similar to my mother (she doesn't seem to think she's perfect all the time, but she does blame others for problems in the relationship). He doesn't understand that he is the common denominator in all his bad relationships. This, of course, means that none of those relationships are going to change because he won't change himself.

I'm struggling with my resentment over being called overly sensitive because one of my few buttons keeps getting pressed and it upsets me. I'm may be sensitive about those things, but there are plenty of topics I can be teased on (and Ace teases me about them) without me getting upset. My mother-in-law, someone else who lacks some tact, doesn't tease me about these things, and she also teases me some. It's insane.

Now that I'm starting to feel a bit better, I'm going to move on with my day. I've given all this entirely too much thought and discussion today. My father-in-law's dumb opinions aren't worth this much energy. For the most part, my father-in-law doesn't seem to be worth this much energy. I think I'll find something else to focus on, something uplifting.

It's a Celebration

A week from tomorrow, my little brother graduates from high school. I'm excited for him and I'm excited to see him walk across a stage to get a diploma holder (the actual diploma will be available in about a week, more than likely).

At the same time, I'm riding an emotional roller coaster because it'll be the first time I've seen my mom since shortly after we stopped talking. Knowing that I have a full week more to wait has just makes the problem worse.

I would have seen my mom two years ago, at my sister's high school graduation, if my sister hadn't dropped out of high school and gotten her GED instead. Had I thought of dropping out, I'm pretty sure my mom would have ripped me a new one.

I'm trying to focus on the good things from this trip. I'll see my dad, step-mom, brother, sister, grandmothers, and some other assorted relatives. My dad is funding the trip for Ace and I to go and driving us around while we're down there (for the day) so that we won't use more gas than necessary. My brother, who roughly one year ago was almost kicked out of school (I think), is graduating.

I'm going to support my brother. I'm going to surround myself with my emotional supporters while I'm there. I'll celebrate with my brother. I'll show my siblings that I will always be there for them, no matter how awkward I feel about seeing my mom. I'll show them that they are important enough to me to support them. I'll try to genuinely laugh and smile throughout the day. I'll be thankful that Ace is there for me to lean on emotionally. I'll take lots of pictures.

Seriously Damaging My Calm

I'm trying to be calm and patient. It turns out I was wrong on when my in-laws were getting a hotel, it's going to be tomorrow. They should be there for at least 3 nights.

Ace and I had plans on Friday night and Saturday. Plans that kept us out of the house quite a bit. My father-in-law, who does laundry for my in-laws, had all day Saturday in which he could easily do laundry and not interfere with my semi-normal laundry schedule. I have no clue what he did yesterday, but it did not include laundry.

Since my in-laws also knew when their bedroom and bathroom were going to be worked on this next week. They knew they needed to clean out the room during the past week, but they left it for tonight. And, of course, Ace had to help (help = actually moving stuff out of the room).

I am trying to be patient. I know they are going to be out of the house for a little while and that helps me emotionally, but I am barely holding on to my frustration at the stupidity of their decision making process. I don't understand these people at all!

Mother's Day

I'm not going to talk about my mother. I've given too much of my life to her in the past. Instead I'm going to talk about why I'd personally like to boycott Mother's Day.

I don't have a relationship with any woman that would make it appropriate to celebrate Mother's Day with them. I don't have a steady mother figure in my life. My step-mother is wonderful and I like letting her know that I care about her and think she's great, but I didn't meet her until I was about to graduate from high school. She's not really a mother figure. My mother-in-law reminds me too much of my mother. The scars haven't healed enough to try acting like she's a mother figure, and that's probably a big reason why she seems so annoying to me most of the time.

I also don't have any kids or pets to mother. The only person who gets most of my nurturing is Ace, and he doesn't need me to be his mother (and I don't try). I have empty arms and longing, neither of which entice me to want to celebrate mothers.

So, Sunday, I will go out to eat with my in-laws, give my mother-in-law her card, and then hide in the bedroom eating mostly sugary foods in an attempt to comfort myself through the rest of the day. I will be much happier when we move past Mother's Day again for another year. It's a holiday that stings right now.

And I'll continue to hold hope in my heart that next year Mother's Day won't sting so much.

Spinning 'Round

It all started with smoke.

Ace and I had come back into the room after dinner. When we turned on our light, we saw smoke. So, we quickly turned the light back off and notified the in-laws that we needed a new fan.

My father-in-law had recently won some gift cards to a home improvement store, so we figured that it would be a quickly resolved problem. In the meantime we could just use lamps for light and try leaving our door open to circulate air.

It didn't take long for my in-laws to buy a new fan, but the installation process was insanely long. They had a guy come out to give an estimate for a few projects around the house (2 fan replacements, a sink installation, and a mailbox installation). The guy looked it over, gave an estimate and said he's be back in 7 to 10 days. At least 3 weeks later, we had only heard from the guy that his job had gone over and he'd be another 3 weeks minimum.

Since that wouldn't work, a new guy came to give an estimate. 6 days later (yesterday), he came back to start work. Within 2 hours, Ace and I had a fan again. Unfortunately for us, we both lost track of our normal mental capacities and couldn't figure out how to work the fan portion of the fan. We started thinking the fan was broken, all because we pulled the wrong pull on the fan.

The day was saved shortly after 7 p.m. with the installation of light bulbs into the fan and the realization that we had pulled the lights on and off instead of changing the fan's speed. After minor embarrassment on my part (Ace wasn't here at the time), I shrugged off the mistake and moved on with my life.

Ace and I survived April, a rather humid month, with no fan and no overhead light. It wasn't something we would want to do again.

On the plus side, my in-laws will be spending a night (or two) at a hotel tonight, so Ace and I will get some alone time! Yay for us!

May

It's May, and long time readers know that I have some issues with May. Most of them revolve around Mother's Day at this point, but that's not the only thing that gets to me in May.

My parents, back when they were married, had their anniversary in May (one of my cousins was born on their 2nd anniversary, in fact). My mom's birthday is in May. And the storms that Oklahoma gets in April seem to linger until mid-May, making it easier to feel depressed because I need to get see the sun for a while and can't.

But I'm trying to focus on good things in May this year. I graduated from high school in May. I went on a Disney vacation (a year later) in May. The weather in OK at the end of the month generally gets more stable (and less rainy) and is in the 80s. I have two cousins with birthdays in May, cousins that I dearly love and would love to spend time with. I moved to Tulsa in May (8 years ago). I planned most of my wedding in May (8 years ago).

I know that May is not my favorite month, but there is no reason to continually condemn the month based on some bad things happening in May. Because there have been good things, great things in fact, that have happened in May. And those are the things I should be focusing on.

Watching for the Undertow

I've spent a large portion of April in my own world. Things outside of my immediate surroundings have been largely left to drift. I've looked up a few times, but things that have been close have seemed more urgent.

I can hear the whispers of thoughts I've pulled away from. Thoughts of how in the past I should have been stronger and stood up for others instead of finally protecting myself from even more emotional scarring. The part of me that is already a mother, and has been since my own mother seemed to give up on actually raising my siblings, protests that I left them alone with her.

I know that in reality there was no other choice I could have reasonably made. The relationship was broken and I couldn't fix things that were out of my control. Staying in the situation wouldn't have helped my siblings any. They needed to see for themselves how bad it was. I had been bearing the burden of trying to make someone happy when they would never be happy just based on what I was doing, but I wasn't going to be able to bear it any longer. 10 years, and fairly formative years at that, was long enough.

There are times that those whispers say that I'm broken and if I could just fix myself then I would get my mother's love. Life would be sunshine and roses. But I know better than to listen to those whispers. I know the truth. I may be somewhat broken sometimes, but it's because someone who was more fundamentally broken tried to make me into something that would fix her. The expression of her love was always conditional (I'm sure there was and is love there, but it's hard to see love shining through criticism) and I finally woke up to realize that there would always be another hoop to jump through. The glimpses of love and approval were there to keep me jumping. I deserve better.

I'm not fighting off depression quite as much as I have been in the fairly recent past, but I can hear the whispers of thoughts that could lead me back down that path. I'm just starting to move away from my shore again, out to where the waters are deep enough for currents. I'm staying cautious, after all I know that May will be here soon and I've faced struggles in the past in May. I'm watching out for the undertow. I don't want to be swept away again. Because it would be so easy to just let the whispers take me away.

On Reading (Or a Lack Thereof)

I love reading. There have been very few books that I've ever put down without finishing once I started them. And with a few of those, it wasn't a desire to not read the book as much as the knowledge that now was not the right time for me to read the book.

Despite this, the English classes I ended up taking in high school had teachers that were generally more focused on writing than reading. In fact, I only remember reading 1. Romeo and Juliet (9th grade, I loved it) 2. Julius Caesar (10th grade, no strong feelings one way or the other) and 3. To Kill a Mockingbird (11th grade, loved the story, have the book now). My senior year, I think we read a few short stories, but most of the class was focused on writing.

I never had a long list of required reading books (I only had short lists of required reading in college). I've not really had long discussions on themes or what the author meant when he or she said this or that (other than while reading Shakespeare's plays). Every time I pick up a book, the judgements I make as I read are purely my own.

I'm not sure if I should feel that I've missed something. I am content to judge a book solely on my own experience with it, even if I'm not quite sure how to explain my experience or thoughts to others. I know what I like, even if I can't always explain why I like it (that's a lot like licorice, come to think of it).

I assume that there were English teachers in my high school that did focus a bit more on reading than writing. I know that I left high school with the ability to write a well-structured paragraph that could fill a page. I also knew how to write a research paper (my 11th and 12th grade classes both wrote a class research paper), something that came in handy while I was a college.

I, obviously, no longer regularly write page long paragraphs. I haven't needed to write a research paper since I finished my English classes in college. And I've continued to read just about any type of book I could get my hands on (I have yet to try a western). It seems that my English teachers didn't teach much that I still use (and completely ignored something I loved even then). But maybe it's for the best. Maybe if I had to read a long list of books for school I wouldn't find reading as fun as I still do.

Do English teachers still give reading lists? Or has that gone away?

M.A. Smith, bookworm

P.S.: I do still use the touch typing I learned in high school. I'm so glad I took that typing/computer class.

Finding the Positive

Ace and I are trying to focus on things we can be thankful for and things that are positive about our current situation. Sometimes it's a struggle, as we seem to be the sane people in this house.

We keep catching ourselves complaining about various injustices or venting frustrations. And while it's better that we aren't just letting all this anger and annoyance grow unabated, it's not good to only focus on the negatives. That way leads to depression and bad things emotionally.

Of course, my in-laws don't always make it easy to focus on the positives. They feel a need to "helpfully" remind us of things that are fairly negative or they choose the worst possible moment to demand that their "needs" are met (the amount they help us or that their needs are truly important seems to be directly inverse to how much stress they cause or how bad the timing is for us). It's hard to be thankful for the bed you sleep in or the food you eat when the people responsible for them don't seem to care about anything but themselves.

But we do have a fairly comfortable, temperature controlled environment to live in. We do get food provided for us (even if it isn't what we would normally choose). Our car had a heater for the worst part of this past winter (since it was fixed, the heater is not working again, but the solution is hopefully the same one as last time and should be simple to fix when we get it fixed again) and our blinkers are still working fine. We have the ability to get our clothes clean without having to pay for anything. We get taken out to meals we don't have to pay for twice a week most weeks. Because we don't have as many expenses, we have been able to replace both our computers within a fairly short time frame.

We are blessed. I know there are people out there who would love to have even a fraction of the blessings we have (food, shelter, over-all good health). I know this. It doesn't always make it easier to focus on the positives. It's easier to see the negatives, especially when living with people who focus on the negatives most of the time.

It's easy to let the frustrations overwhelm the positives. It's easy to imagine ranting at my brother-in-law for leaving the toilet seat up or tossing all my mother-in-law's "precious" junk. It's easy complain that my mother-in-law is living just this side of a Hoarders episode. It's easy to rail at the idea that Ace and I have to explain where we are going every time we leave but my in-laws can go out to dinner and don't feel the need to let us know we have to fend for ourselves. It's easy to let all these little (and not so little) things pile up until we can't see the blessings.

It's time for a change. We need to focus on the positives in our lives. And I think I'll start by reminding Ace that we need to find 5 things a day to be thankful for (even if it's just that we're alive for another day). I think it will make the rest of the time we are living here (however long that will be) a little less negative.

Today, I am thankful for:

1. Ace: He wants us to focus on the positives as much as I do.
2. God: He's here for me, even when I'm in the middle of a rant that should be cut short.
3. The library: How else would I get a chance to read so many books? And for free!
4. The car: It may not be my dream car, but it gets me where I want/need to go.
5. My new laptop: Even with all my games, I still have 3 times as much free space as I used to!

Eclectic

Ace and I have been talking while listening to music on my iPod. It's been nice, a time to connect intellectually and to meander through a variety of subjects. And it occurs to me that while my taste in music is fairly narrow in it's scope, my taste in books is fairly eclectic.

Yesterday, I went to the library and picked out three books. I picked up Dracula, a book I've sort of been wanting to read for a while. It's the first potentially scary book I've picked up (unless you count mysteries as scary). I also picked up Holy Hullabaloos, "a road trip to the battlegrounds of the church/state war" because it seemed interesting. I also picked up Sugarbabe, a book written by a woman who decided to find a sugar daddy and her experiences with that.

While this is probably the most eclectic mix of books I've ever checked out at one time, it sort of shows how varied my reading interests are. In fact, I recently went through a look at the Dewey decimal system and wrote down some of the areas I thought I'd probably find books that would interest me (that is one eclectic list too). There's a mix from psychology to manufacturing to folklore to American literature. More than likely, I'll find books in each of the sections I wrote down to fascinate and educate myself.

So, while my iPod would probably bore most people, my library lists would probably tell psychologists something about me.

On Marriage

Ace and I went to a wedding today. It was lovely. There was laughter and kids making noise (as kids do). It went extremely well.

I didn't know either the bride or the groom before the wedding. I've now met the groom, but still really don't know either one of them. Ace used to know the groom back before we met.

Every time I go to a wedding (which isn't that often, since I can only think of 5 weddings I've been to and 2 were on the same day in the same location), I think of my wedding and the vows I made. I get reminded of what I promised Ace and it gives me a chance to look back and decide if I've been fulfilling those promises.

During the reception, Ace and I talked. I apologized for not always walking in love with him and following what I Corinthians 13 says about how love acts. He forgave me, as I knew he would. He shouldn't have had to.

Ace and I have known each other for 8 and 1/2 years now. We've been married for almost 8 years. I won't say we know everything there is to know about marriage, but we've got our relationship fairly well worked out. And I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything.

I love you, Ace! Thanks for being there and being yourself. It's helped make the past few years much more bearable. I'm excited about spending the rest of my life with you.

New Laptop

This is my first post on my new laptop.

I first thought that I wasn't going to get this laptop for a few more hours, but it was decided that we could go buy it earlier than intended. I've started getting everything set up on it and I am excited about my new laptop.

It has been over 4 years since I've had a new laptop that was all mine. I am practically buzzing because of my excitement. Ace is thrilled for me and amused by my giddiness.

I now have roughly 5 times as much space available to me as I had before. Everything is all new and perfect. And best of all, at least to me, I can set everything up how I want it.

Yay!

6 Words

A while back people tried to tell a story with only 6 words. I could never quite figure out what to say in just 6 words. Today, I think I found my 6 words.

I am stronger than I think.

And Now for Something Completely Different

I've been thinking about Pinky and the Brain lately (you know, the lab mice from Animaniacs that got two spin-offs of their own). I've got a theory about the true meaning behind their theme song.

I think that Pinky is truly the genius and Brain was the insane one. Let me explain.

Geniuses don't generally want to take over the world. Geniuses have odd thought lines that don't make sense to non-geniuses (or other geniuses). Pinky generally managed to blow Brain's plans for world domination without trying.

Brain however came up with more and more insane sounding plans for taking over the world. And even though he kept failing, he kept coming up with new plans. He kept repeating the same types of actions over and over and kept expecting a different outcome, which is a popular definition of insanity.

That's my theory. Make of it what you will.

Grow Up Already!

Today, not 30 minutes ago, my father-in-law pounded on his own front door and demanded to be let in. He was furious that the door from the garage to the house was locked. He came in, shouting about the door being locked and the fact that he doesn't have a key to that lock (or to the front door, apparently) and that his hands had been full when he got here and he had to set stuff down, only to find he had no key.

The man acted like the door was locked on purpose. Ace told him that we had gone to the garage after my father-in-law went to work and that he must have locked it out of habit. The whole thing was an accident, but my father-in-law reacted like it was a reason to start World War III.

Ace apologized, somewhat sarcastically since there wasn't truly a reason to apologize other than to placate his father, returned to our room and then my mother-in-law voiced her upset over the fact that the door isn't normally locked, even though the alarm is set.

My father-in-law acted like a crazy man. He got pissed off for no good reason and refused to calm down when a reason for the door being locked was offered. He was minorly inconvenienced, for about a minute. He wasn't locked outside the house for an hour or even for 5 minutes. His reaction was like waving a red flag in front of a bull, and was over the top.

I would claim that it was lack of enough sleep or general crankiness that made him more susceptible to being angry, but that isn't a good enough reason. I've been tired and annoyed before (this past Sunday in fact, with a helping of not feeling well added on) without irrationally yelling at whoever caused me an inconvenience. His behavior is unacceptable.

To further compound the lack of sleep problem, today is laundry day for my in-laws. My father-in-law does the laundry. This means he's going to be up for a while longer, washing their clothes, instead of taking a nap to start acting more like a human being. I'm considering barricading myself in my room until after Ace gets back from prayer night because I'm not sure I wouldn't make a rude comment after his childish behavior today (despite the fact that I would then be acting childish myself).

Please let us move soon. I'm living with childish mentalities in adult bodies and my patience for this type of nonsense is running out.

Better

I apologize for the absence. The past week was a bigger emotional struggle than it probably should have been. But I'm doing much better now.

Sometimes I just need someone to guide me back to my shore. I needed someone to remind me that my God is bigger than my problems. I needed someone to show me hope again.

I'm not saying life is perfect or necessarily even very different. But my emotional state is better.

Insanity

I woke up feeling cold. Despite having a blanket over me, I could tell it was cold in the house.

It turns out that my mother-in-law was feeling hot at some point and TURNED OFF THE HEATER when the weather wasn't going to get over 50 degrees.

I understand turning down the heat some. I understand turning on a fan. I do not understand turning the heater off.

This is the kind of insanity I keep having to deal with. And things like this are what have got me fighting off depression, because I can't do anything about this kind of thing.

She's So Nosy

My in-laws went out of town for roughly 8 hours today. Ace and I used that time to have sex and then sleep. It was nice.

Apparently, my mother-in-law asked if we did anything fun or exciting while they were out of town. I don't know what, if any, answer she received to that question.

I do know that it feels more and more like she's fishing to find out if we are having sex when they are away from us. It would feel less creepy that she was asking about our sex life if Ace weren't her son. As it is, it's really throwing me off balance.

I would like to state now that my love life is none of my mother-in-law's business. I doubt that will keep her from asking, but it makes me feel moderately better.

(Not So) Easily Distracted

One problem with depression is that the cycle of thoughts to get depressed is easily self-sustaining. Of course, sometimes I have random bouts of depression that weren't brought on by my obvious thoughts.

If only it was as easy to lead myself back to the surface. Part of the problem is that it takes more energy to see the positives than to see the negatives and depression saps my energy (seriously, I've been exhausted for the better part of the past two days for no apparent reason as to why).

It doesn't help matters that I've been easily distracted lately. Seriously, I keep getting caught up in a screen saver right now. I have no idea why I'm finding it interesting, but I am.

If depression was just feeling sad, I think it would be easier to handle. Instead, it feels like someone else has taken over my body. I'm still here, but everything requires more effort to do than it normally would.

I think Ace is slightly concerned that if he weren't around to make sure I ate that I'd just let myself starve because the effort to make a sandwich would be too great. I don't think I would starve, but I'd stay hungry for a lot longer than necessary. I think Ace is mostly frustrated that he can't just fix the problem for me. But he tries to help.

I'm going to go now. I think my mind is too busy wondering off to other things to let me write too much more.(That screen saver surely isn't as interesting as my mind keeps telling me it is.)

Lost

I've been a little lost lately. Everything has been hard and difficult. I drifted away from my shore without realizing I was moving anywhere.

I've been trying to find happiness and joy, but they've seemed elusive. And I can't pinpoint what it is that has me feeling so lost.

So, I'm going to work on fighting off depression.

They Just Don't Get It

I was relaxing, watching TV with Ace when suddenly there was a gruff voice yelling that I needed to help with dinner. My father-in-law decided that I needed to do something around here, I guess. Then I hear what I swear is the knob starting to turn, but could potentially have been a knock. This happens while I'm changing my pants, so I quickly get behind Ace's chair (so he at least has some potential to block me from view), while Ace yells out to wait a minute.

Ace and I spare a quick glance at each other before I leave the bedroom to see if the other is just as outraged as we are. I go help with something, ask Ace to help with vacuuming up some stuff, and sit back down to stew.

I ended up boycotting dinner. I wasn't particularly hungry (first day of my period always seems to see a decrease in my appetite), was still feeling minor cramps, and didn't feel like I'd be good company for my in-laws. Ace understood completely and didn't push. He attempted to do some explaining to my somewhat irate father-in-law, but was ignored.

I've moved past my anger, as that is unproductive. But I'm still upset and frustrated at how I was treated. Ace is also frustrated with his parents. One of the biggest problems with the whole situation is that his mother didn't ask for help herself, she (or my father-in-law) just expected us to know what was going on outside our room and start helping. This isn't the first time that the big problem, in my in-law's opinion, that popped up could have been avoided by some communication on my mother-in-law's part.

She won't ask us to help and then gets my father-in-law all worked up because she's trying to do too much when we didn't even know she needed help. But it's apparently our fault for not being more social or psychic.

I'm fairly sure that my in-laws just don't get why these things are a problem. They wouldn't understand why I was so angry about being ordered to help cook dinner (they wouldn't admit that I was ordered to help with dinner). They don't get why Ace is fine with me not "helping out" around here or pushing me to get a job. They don't get why my relationship with my spouse works. And I know they don't get that they are pushing away their son every time something like this happens.

My in-laws also don't seem to get that my mother-in-law is NOT the only one around here who has pain. I don't talk about my back pain much, as it wouldn't do any good to focus solely on that. But it doesn't mean that it's not very real and that it doesn't affect my life. They probably think I'm faking the pain, or at least playing it up. But that's because they don't know me. And right now, I think I'm fine with that.

An Exercise in Futility

Ace and I are still trying to figure out what we can do with this cell phone (the one that was sent to us but not activated). Ace doesn't want to spend money to return the phone to the company and we aren't getting anywhere with them when we try to call.

On the plus side, they've not charged us for the phone, but that just adds to the frustration. We have a phone that we can't do anything with, including trying to sell it because we don't want to give someone else a headache over it. There are no notes on the order about the problems that popped up with this phone, so any time Ace calls he has to explain it all over again.

So, as the 30 days that we are supposed to have to be able to send it back with no problems draws closer to an end, we are stuck with a cell phone that isn't usable because somebody somewhere messed up.

You can't make these kinds of things up, it sounds too stupid to be true. And yet it is. Calling the cell phone company seems to be an exercise in futility. Maybe if we try going back by a store and asking them to send it back for us will finally solve the problem. If not, then at least we will have exhausted all the obvious options we have towards fixing someone else's mistake.

Desserts Spelled Backwards Is Stressed

My in-laws seem to be trying to see if they can create a twitch in me. They are trying to run our lives without having all the facts. And it's stressing me out some.

I battle with depression sometimes, a fact I've never tried to hide here, but I've not really talked about with any of my in-laws. It's not really their business and they would try the wrong things to "help" and would probably send me deeper into a depression. I manage well, and without professional or medical help. That's not to say that I would ever refuse counseling or medication, but I generally don't really need it and I don't have a huge struggle with depression.

My mother-in-law, in a misguided effort to help us get on our own, has been looking up inexpensive housing and asking us about what our bare bones needs are. She doesn't understand that recreation is a need (or that we spend less money on gas for our car by Ace playing World of Warcraft). She has a few fact about how things are, but she doesn't know the whole picture. She doesn't know what things we could safely drop and what things need to stay in place.

I'm not sure if it's because my in-laws are just as ready for us to be out of here as we are or if it's really just an attempt to help us, but it's not helping me. It's causing Ace and I to rehash conversations we've already had (mostly about why neither of us really wants to declare bankruptcy). It's draining my energy, which is already depleted because I'm trying to get my body on some kind of schedule. It's pushing me towards depression.

My in-laws keep wondering why we don't like spending time with them, but they keep bringing up negative things (and most of them things Ace and I have discussed, made a decision on, and moved past already when it comes to our lives). When they aren't offering help that brings stress, they are watching TV shows we don't watch because they are too dark emotionally for me to handle.

I understand that Ace and I living here with my in-laws can't be easy on them, but it's not exactly a walk in the park for us either. I have to put up with backwards insults to my cooking abilities, remarks about what kind of parent I'll be IF I ever become a parent, a lack of communication about things that truly affect my life (like if I need to eat while my in-laws are out because they are going to dinner), and disparaging remarks about my dearly loved spouse because he isn't what his parents want him to be. Oh, and then there are the demands that we (or Ace) be able to drop anything he's doing at a moment's notice to help with anything they can come up with (including changing a light bulb).

Ace has been trying his best to placate his parents with a lot of stuff while shouldering most of the burden himself so that I don't have to put up with their complaints. The man is wonderful, because there have been a few days where I'm sure he was ready to scream, but was patient with me and my back when it was added on top of the already hectic day he had had. There's only been once that he's asked me to just not ask for anything for a while, and I could understand why.

Ace and I try to focus on a positive future. We talk about what our plans are for when we are on our own again. We talk about what food we want in our fridge, how we want to get back into shape, and how nice it will be to be sleeping on our queen-sized mattress again. We try to not pull ourselves down by focusing on all our debts (we know they are there, but we can't do a lot about them right now anyway). Ace knows that it'll just cause more emotional problems than it could ever potentially fix to talk about what we might be able to do.

No one besides Ace and I know our full situation (okay, God also knows, but He knows all). We both feel like this topic is one that's best kept private. We both know what decisions we would make differently if we could, but we can't. So, we are focusing on where we are now and where we want to go. And we'd both appreciate it if my in-laws would keep their noses out of our business.

The Answer Will Always Be No

Dear mother-in-law,

No, we won't go to your church with you. We will never go to church with you. The answer when you ask will always be no.

Stop asking!

M.A.

P.S.: We'll go to our own kind of church when we go to a church. Leave our spiritual lives to us.

An Open Letter to Rachael Ray

Dear Rachael Ray,

I'm sure you are a lovely woman. The little I've seen of any of your shows you've seemed sweet. Personally, I have no ill will towards you or your shows.

However, I do have a bone to pick with you. My mother-in-law loves your talk show. She loves talking about your talk show, so I get to hear WAY more about it than I'd care to. I am not a big fan of talk shows, so I don't watch your (or any one else's) talk show.

My mother-in-law thinks she can do what you can do in your kitchen, Ms. Ray. The real problem is that she cannot. She doesn't have the capability to stand long enough to cook food like you do. She also has a family that would be content to eat much simpler and easier to prepare food. It's not that we would hate your style of cooking, we just are used to more meat and potatoes kinds of dishes.

My husband, Ace, and I are both ready to never hear your name again. It's nothing personal, it's just that my mother-in-law has made a habit of saying it several times a week. I'm fairly certain my father-in-law is tired of hearing about your show too.

Rachael Ray, if I never hear your name again that would be fine with me. I hope you do well in your hosting/cooking careers. I hope you gain satisfaction from your jobs. I hope you get all the wealth and fame you desire. I hope your products sell tons (I won't be buying any, but it's more the principle of the thing). I just hope that my mother-in-law stops watching your show, or at least stops talking about it so often.

I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only person in the house to feel the same way. And when I have a place of my own again, your shows will be banned from viewing (the only other show banned is Barney, so you join some illustrious company for annoying me). I make no guarantees that you'll stay banned forever (Barney will be, he's gives me the creeps), but I doubt I'll ever truly be interested in your shows.

So, Rachael Ray, I bid you a good life. I'll not miss you when you are gone from mine.

Sincerely,
M.A. Smith

P.S.: Despite my mother-in-law's thoughts, I don't need my meatloaf to last more than one meal. And if it does, it doesn't need to be put between two slices of bread in order for me to enjoy it.

P.P.S.: Sorry, my mother-in-law got to me at dinner, talking about leftover meatloaf and Rachael Ray. Thank goodness my father-in-law steered the conversation a different direction!

Alice

Yesterday, Ace and I watched Alice.

Alice is a very interesting if slightly skewed look at Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Instead of playing cards, they have men in suits (with card suits and numbers on their suits). Instead of a walrus, there is a guy who sort of looks like a walrus.

Alice accidentally falls into Wonderland while trying to rescue her boyfriend. In her efforts to find her boyfriend, she meets the Mad Hatter. The Mad Hatter helps Alice in her quest for reasons of his own.

I don't want to give a lot of details, but it was definitely a movie I'd recommend. I cheered for Alice to help save Wonderland and find love.

And now I'm off to find out if Primeval is a series I'd be interested in, because I'd like to see Andrew Lee Potts as something other than the Mad Hatter.

The Overwhelming Nothingness

Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed and over-emotional about everything. And it's silly because when it all boils down, there is nothing to be overwhelmed by or to get overly emotional about. Things that seem frustrating and stressful are things that are really small and stupid.

Ace and I are having MINOR difficulties with a cell phone company. We were trying to start up service with this company and ordered a phone from online (to save some money), but they screwed up and didn't activate the phone before it was sent. And then they haven't taken the money for the phone out of our account. So, we have this phone that we can't use, sitting on top of our TV. We are thinking about returning it, but we don't want to pay for the shipping and the company won't give us their account number for shipping it back to them. Nor does anyone seem to be doing anything to make it where we could actually use this phone, if we so desire.

It's been a headache and frustrating, except it's just stupid and kind of funny and not that stressful. We're currently the "owners" of a free phone that we don't know what to do with. Life, or at least things with this phone, seems like it's in limbo. And it seems to be just one more thing that is in a holding pattern in our lives.

I'm ready for some changes. I'd like it if people would just do what they are supposed to do, when they are supposed to do it. I'd like things to start going my way again. And I think that's part of why I've been so frustrated with stupid, nothing things.

A Need for Authenticity

Ace and I, in general, tend to be the same people behind closed doors as we are in public. We may keep from discussing a few topics in public (like sex or politics), but we are the same people when it's just the two of us as we are when we're in public.

Except when it comes to being around Ace's parents. Then we are on guard as to certain topics, because we don't want a long, drawn out, misconstrued, misunderstood conversation.

And the need to guard what we say or do is exhausting. It's draining both of us. We prefer to be our authentic selves all the time. I'd like to be able to have a discussion with my husband that can take place in any room of the place we are living in without concern. I don't want to feel like I have to judge my words by what might offend my in-laws (or at best lead to lots of questions they don't need the answers to).

Ace is just as frustrated as I am about this situation. He's just as ready as I am to get out of here and live on our own. We're trying (TRYING) to be patient until we can make the changes we need made.

But until then, we are trying to be as true to ourselves as we can be. And hopefully that's good enough.

Briefly Speaking

Ace and I have several things that need to be replaced. Our laptops, Ace's jeans (both pair), Ace's dress shirts, my bras, etc. The list seems to continually get longer.

Yesterday, Ace and I replaced something for me that I've needed replaced for a while, sadly since the last time I replaced them: my panties. The last time we bought me panties (sometime since we've moved back to Tulsa), we made a choice based on price instead of experience with the brand. Apparently the $.30 a pair we saved was an important $.30 to spend.

I had a pair get a hole in them after one use. Then 4 pairs were too tight to be easily pulled on and off. A short time later, a few more pairs had problems with stitching coming undone. In short, we weren't happy with the cheaper undies.

So, yesterday we replaced them with a brand name we know is good. I'm happy to know that there is at least one thing we won't have to replace for a while.

The Bump

Earlier, I noticed a bump under my arm while showering. My first thoughts were not of pimples or moles, but more of "Was that really a bump I felt? What does that bump mean?"

But I figured that in the wet shower, with soap on my body and shampoo in my hair was no time to start imagining the worst. Plus, with a little more feeling, it seemed more like a pimple.

After I finished drying off, I checked out the mysterious bump. It was originally a blackhead that had become a pimple. There was nothing to panic about. It was something that could easily be dealt with.

But it reminded me that it's easy to find something unexpected and freak out before getting all the facts first. If I hadn't kept my head and realized that if it was something to get checked out by a doctor it could wait until I was no longer soapy I could have completely freaked out over a pimple. I'd have felt stupid once I found out that my panic was over nothing.

To My Valentine

Dear Ace,

I know I said I was writing about this past weekend, and I started to but it didn't seem to be flowing well. It was stilted and unnatural. I did appreciate that you found it just as important as I did to go to the marriage seminar we attended. It touched a special place in my heart.

Tomorrow is Valentine's day. Tomorrow I don't know how much time we'll have together, but I know that it won't be as much as I would like. I know that we probably won't get to have a date night tomorrow night, but I am hoping we can go out to eat (even if it's fast food eaten in the car). I know that you would love to take me out to a nice dinner, shower me with chocolate and flowers, and spend time showing me just how much you appreciate our marriage. Hopefully we can do that next year on Valentine's Day.

But, for as much as I wish some things could be different, I am happy to know that you love me. You feel that it's important to spend time with me and talk with me and take care of our marriage. I was thrilled to hear that you wouldn't want to do something momentarily exciting that would endanger our relationship. It made me feel safe and loved.

I love that our conversations flow so easily most of the time. I love that we talk so much and challenge each other to think outside our own points of view. I love that you help my brain stretch and grow. I love that you encourage me to read, even though you don't enjoy reading like I do. You may not love going to the library, but you are happy to take me when I ask. I appreciate that so much and I don't feel like I can find the words to express how much that means to me.

Thank you, for all that you've done, for all that you're doing, and for all that you will continue to do. Thank you for making this relationship feel easy and not like work. I know that we've both worked stuff out in the past to get to this point, but it's felt fairly easy the whole way through. Thank you for listening to me when I talk, it means so much. Thank you for being patient enough to have learned what I can and cannot do at various times. Thank you for understanding that my hormones make my emotions crazy sometimes and that if I'm upset it's probably not really your fault or my fault but the hormones' fault.

Thank you for being my hero by not allowing your family to just order me about. Thank you for being willing to stand up for me and for our marriage. I know that there are women out there who would love it if their husbands did that. Thank you for pushing me to grow without trying to completely change my personality. Thank you for understanding that I don't always know why I like or don't like something or why I feel things need to be this way or that way. It helps that you don't push, you just accept that it's one of my quirks and life goes on.

Thank you for being the perfect husband for me.

Love,
M.A.

P.S.: I love you!

A Quick Question for You

In an effort to focus on something other than being slightly annoyed with Ace over stupid stuff, I'm going to instead focus on the other thing that is bothering me right now.

Why do back closing bras have bows on the front in between the breasts?

On one hand, I understand that women want to look cute/sexy for their significant others (or just for themselves). But do men really care about the bow? Do other women?

On the other hand, it always seems to pop up, annoyingly, to be an obvious bump under my shirts. One that looks totally unnatural. I doubt that Ace gives any thought to there being a bow on my bra when he's taking it off me. He's kind of distracted with what's underneath the bra.

So why are the bra designers continuing to stick bows on the front of bras? Does the bow provide structural integrity? Why is it there? Is the only solution to have bras that close in the front? And don't bras that close in the front just provide different problems, like hooks that come undone when they weren't supposed to?

Why? Can't someone please give me a reason?

At Least it Waited Another Two Days This Time

I'm starting to get wary of taking pregnancy tests. They keep coming up negative and then I'll start my period shortly afterward. At least this time, my body waited a few days instead of not even letting the test finish processing to crush my spirit.

All this in time for us to be slightly snowed in again, have plans for this weekend that include me dressing up in somewhat snug dress clothes (also a sucky time for snow to come again), and Valentine's Day. Because my body loves ironic timing.

Can I pull my covers over my head and hide for the day now?

Waiting

Today, Ace and I braved the wild, still snow-covered streets of the neighborhood and went out to Walmart. I wanted to buy a pregnancy test to replace the one I should have thrown out months ago, because it was long past expired. Also, I wanted a breakfast sandwich.

So, we went out, bought me breakfast, bought some tests and some chocolate, and ran other unimportant errands. And then we came home and I drank liquids and waited for my body to tell me that I needed to pee.

Except, once I got to the bathroom, my body decided to pee anywhere but where the test was, just to make things difficult. I figured that I probably didn't get enough pee on the test for anything to happen, so I'd leave it in there for the next time I had to pee to try again. Instead, I looked at the test a few minutes later and it came up negative. But with what probably amounted to two drops on the stick, I'm not 100% sure that it's accurate. So now, I'm waiting a week, in hopes that 1. I still won't have started my period and 2. Enough hormones will be built up to show a positive on the pregnancy test (provided I actually pee on the right part of the stick this time).

So, for now, here is a picture of Guillermo:















His eyes didn't normally glow like that, but here he is in all his doggy glory.

Cabin Fever Averted

Today, my father-in-law proved why he and I can get along decently when my mother-in-law isn't involved.

It all started when he asked Ace if he wanted to go to the store with him. Ace said yes, and I perked up from laying on the bed, wishing that my mother-in-law wasn't assaulting my nauseous stomach with smells of peppers and onion. I quickly shut our door and started changing pants, because there was no way I was staying here, even if my body wasn't sure it WANTED to go anywhere, because I NEEDED to get out of the house for a while to keep my brain sane.

So, we went grocery shopping (Ace's father recognizes that we have different eating habits and that the two of us might want to eat stuff we've chosen). I had originally asked for peppermints and Sprite to be bought for me when my father-in-law went shopping yesterday (he remembered the Sprite, forgot the peppermints), so today I got the peppermints as soon as I went into the store. I also grabbed some saltines and pudding because they were on sale (I was totally willing for us to buy the saltine and pudding, but my father-in-law bought them for me!).

He also got ice cream for everyone (some sugar free/diabetic ice cream for my mother-in-law, and two flavors of ice cream for Ace and I to enjoy), and the ice cream was his idea. On the way home, we stopped to pick up some pizzas and my stomach was nicely soothed the entire trip home by the smell of the pizzas. It was especially nice on the snow covered streets in the neighborhood.

So, I'm no longer feeling cabin fever. I'm just trying to avoid feeling nauseous/exhausted all the time.

Blue Eyes Crying in the Snow

Today, it's snowing again. Ace decided that we should go out to get some grocery shopping done. He got dressed, headed out, and started clearing off the car. I joined him outside not too long after (about 10 minutes). He had the car fairly clear and was working on moving the snow that had settled right behind it, so I waited in the garage until he could back up the car and let me in.

After another 15 minutes of finishing clearing off the car, we were ready to go. We started off well, and had we actually made it off the street my in-laws' house is on, we probably would have made our trip to the store and back just fine. Instead, Ace decided to head toward the right side of the street (which still had too much snow) and slowed down to ensure he couldn't/wouldn't hit another vehicle. Then, the car got stuck.

Ace got close to getting the car unstuck, and eventually someone stopped (actually, turned around) to help. I got to drive our car, backwards, down the street until I got to my in-law's driveway (my first time to drive on that much snow). There I temporarily parked the car until Ace got in to re-park it on the street. I moved into the garage, sat down, and started crying out of frustration (hormones helped with that).

Some of my biggest frustrations had to do with the fact that we didn't make it off the street and that I needed a bit more time away from my mother-in-law than I got. It all just seemed so unfair. I had been teased with a glimpse of time away from this house, only to have it come crashing down in an effort to keep from ruining our engine. I'm not particularly upset with Ace's decision, just frustrated that it came to that.

*I do have blue eyes. I did refrain from crying while actually in the falling snow, but I did sob a bit more than expected about not being able to go grocery shopping, a chore I usually don't care much about. Cabin fever sucks!

Cabin Fever

People, I am fighting off cabin fever so bad you would probably not believe it. And I know that if there wasn't all this snow on the ground outside, I probably wouldn't care about being "stuck" at home.

Yesterday, Ace and I did get out of the house, but only to the corner where my in-laws SUV was stuck to get it unstuck and moved to in front of the house (I was really bundled up for that too). It helped with the cabin fever, at least for a few hours. And it got us $20 to boot.

I think Ace is ready to get me out of the house for a bit, because I'm starting to whine sometimes about things. My hormones are making everything around me either more annoying or causing me to feel sappier about them than I normally would feel. Fighting off some nausea (it seems to be unrelated to my mother-in-law's illness earlier this week, since she was actually throwing up and I haven't) and not having access to as much Sprite and peppermints as I would like hasn't helped either. Having my mother-in-law loudly pester us for roughly half an hour over stuff that Ace and I don't care about hasn't helped either.

Basically, I'm starting to go stir crazy, the hours are passing SLOWLY, and my mother-in-law seems to be getting more annoying by the day. Somebody get me out of here!

Snowed In

Last night, my father-in-law left early to head to work to beat the snow storm, just in case the office he provides security for had people working today. Because of all the snow (at 10 a.m., there were 10-12+ inches in the Tulsa area and it was still snowing), that office decided to close. My father-in-law was told he could go home, or stay there if it was safer. Last I heard, he's still at work.

Here, we are semi-snowed in. Ace and I probably could get to our car and potentially go somewhere, but we have no where to go. My mother-in-law is stuck here, since we have no way to take her chair anywhere.

Even if we tried to go somewhere, most places would be closed and the highways, while still open, are likely hard to get on or off the highway. There isn't any place to go or any reason to go anywhere. According to the news (something that is fascinating due to the snow, but would otherwise be unwelcome to us to see), we're up to 13.8 inches in Tulsa, a record high for Feb. 1 and a record for most snowfall in 24 hours. It's still snowing too.

There doesn't seem to be any reports of power outages, so that's good. Yay for warmth.

But I'd be happy to take a trip to Hawaii about now.