Lately, my body has been giving off some strong signals that the past few months were not satisfying when it came to sex. Seriously, I've found it hard to keep sex very far from my thoughts.
Last night, Ace and I made a makeshift pile of blankets on the floor and took care of some very specific needs. Nothing squeaked, and I doubt the sounds that I heard would have been heard outside the closed door (unless an ear was pressed against it, and probably not even then).
Today, I'm a bit sore in some places, but it's a good sore. I've missed being able to have sex whenever it's convenient and I'm in the mood. Hopefully, the pile of blankets method won't last long. Hopefully, we'll be in our own place soon and noise won't matter.
But at least we have something that works for now.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Mentally Hoarse
Last night, one of my brothers-in-law came to Tulsa to celebrate his birthday. The in-laws took everyone out to dinner. It was a nice evening, even if Ace and I weren't initially sure we were going to be invited out.
Then today happened. It was slightly rainy out, so my mother-in-law decided that she couldn't go to church because it would be bad for her chair (Ace looked, it might have been mildly inconvenient for her later, but she has 3 chairs in total, so we think she would have been fine). Which meant Ace and I didn't get to have time alone this morning. We were planning on having sex, but that had to be delayed. It was not the best start to the day. Then, when Ace went to see if it would be quick for us to do our laundry, it turns out that the stuff that has been on the table was piled up on the washing machine. It's not surprising that we have to move stuff, but it's just one more thing.
Then, when Ace and I went to mess with dinner, we found out that my in-laws had lunch together in the dining room. My mother-in-law knew we were up, but since our door was shut, I guess they decided we didn't need or want to eat with them. We weren't invited. I don't know that we would have joined them, but they could have asked.
I recognize that my in-laws don't have to take us with them when they go out to eat. In fact, we usually don't go with them. Last night was the exception, not the rule. But today has just been a long, insane, frustrating day full of stuff that either my in-laws were doing at the point of my frustration or they had done and I found out about it later. It just feels like my in-laws don't view Ace and I as people who deserve even basic kindness. These things all sound little and petty, and they probably are, but they are just signs of the lack of respect we have to live with on a continual basis.
On the plus side, my in-laws did both go to church this evening. Ace and I had sex. I got to talk with a friend online, one I haven't talked to in a while. I have chocolate.
But that migraine is trying to come back. And my brain is starting to feel fuzzy from wanting to mentally scream for most of the day. I am getting tired of the stress levels my in-laws cause in my life. And the chocolate does not do nearly enough to help.
Somebody, send help!
Then today happened. It was slightly rainy out, so my mother-in-law decided that she couldn't go to church because it would be bad for her chair (Ace looked, it might have been mildly inconvenient for her later, but she has 3 chairs in total, so we think she would have been fine). Which meant Ace and I didn't get to have time alone this morning. We were planning on having sex, but that had to be delayed. It was not the best start to the day. Then, when Ace went to see if it would be quick for us to do our laundry, it turns out that the stuff that has been on the table was piled up on the washing machine. It's not surprising that we have to move stuff, but it's just one more thing.
Then, when Ace and I went to mess with dinner, we found out that my in-laws had lunch together in the dining room. My mother-in-law knew we were up, but since our door was shut, I guess they decided we didn't need or want to eat with them. We weren't invited. I don't know that we would have joined them, but they could have asked.
I recognize that my in-laws don't have to take us with them when they go out to eat. In fact, we usually don't go with them. Last night was the exception, not the rule. But today has just been a long, insane, frustrating day full of stuff that either my in-laws were doing at the point of my frustration or they had done and I found out about it later. It just feels like my in-laws don't view Ace and I as people who deserve even basic kindness. These things all sound little and petty, and they probably are, but they are just signs of the lack of respect we have to live with on a continual basis.
On the plus side, my in-laws did both go to church this evening. Ace and I had sex. I got to talk with a friend online, one I haven't talked to in a while. I have chocolate.
But that migraine is trying to come back. And my brain is starting to feel fuzzy from wanting to mentally scream for most of the day. I am getting tired of the stress levels my in-laws cause in my life. And the chocolate does not do nearly enough to help.
Somebody, send help!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Life or Something Similar
I've not disappeared off the face of the earth, although you can be forgiven for thinking so. Instead I've spent most of the past week dealing with a sinus infection type thing (I am so tired of coughing. Also, I am tired of being tired all the time.) and this migraine that has come and does not want to leave, even though it's being all polite and barely bothering me much 90% of the time.
The migraine, let me tell you about it. Tuesday evening, while I was in the middle of feeling exhausted and over-sharing information, as you do, I suddenly had a headache in one spot. It was bothering me, what with the throbbing, but it hadn't hit me that it was a migraine. Until someone, nicely, asked me about my headache and where it hurts. Then they pronounced it was a migraine, and suddenly I realized that light had become evil and started wondering why there wasn't music playing to help my head stop hurting (most migraine sufferers want quiet, I need music to help my head because I have to be weird and unusual). When I woke up Wednesday, my head felt fine. In fact, until last night, my head seemed normal. Then, suddenly, on the opposite side of my head, pain. Ace thinks it's the same migraine (they can apparently last up to a week). I'm not 100% convinced it's not a different migraine, but they've both been so much less painful than ones I've had in the past so it's hard to tell for sure. It just hurts to get upright and light is evil.
So, yeah. I've spent most of the past week trying to feel semi-human again. I'm hoping to be able to lay flat on the bed sometime soon (if I lay flat now, I start coughing, so I'm sleeping propped up with pillows). Hopefully the headache will disappear suddenly and I'll be able to go about my normal daily life again.
And now I'm going to go find some music to help soothe my head. Because every other sound hurts right now.
The migraine, let me tell you about it. Tuesday evening, while I was in the middle of feeling exhausted and over-sharing information, as you do, I suddenly had a headache in one spot. It was bothering me, what with the throbbing, but it hadn't hit me that it was a migraine. Until someone, nicely, asked me about my headache and where it hurts. Then they pronounced it was a migraine, and suddenly I realized that light had become evil and started wondering why there wasn't music playing to help my head stop hurting (most migraine sufferers want quiet, I need music to help my head because I have to be weird and unusual). When I woke up Wednesday, my head felt fine. In fact, until last night, my head seemed normal. Then, suddenly, on the opposite side of my head, pain. Ace thinks it's the same migraine (they can apparently last up to a week). I'm not 100% convinced it's not a different migraine, but they've both been so much less painful than ones I've had in the past so it's hard to tell for sure. It just hurts to get upright and light is evil.
So, yeah. I've spent most of the past week trying to feel semi-human again. I'm hoping to be able to lay flat on the bed sometime soon (if I lay flat now, I start coughing, so I'm sleeping propped up with pillows). Hopefully the headache will disappear suddenly and I'll be able to go about my normal daily life again.
And now I'm going to go find some music to help soothe my head. Because every other sound hurts right now.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The Driveway
There has been a little more excitement around here than usual. The city of Tulsa is repaving the roads in our neighborhood. This means that we've had bumpy roads to drive on and lots of dust in the air (it's been wonderful to be me, what with suddenly having problems breathing because of the dust).
Thursday morning, about 9 (right before my alarm was going to go off), there was a knock on the door. The cars needed to be moved so that we could have access to them while the end of our driveway was torn out and replaced. Okay, the timing sucks (since they were doing the tearing out that day), but we can get those moved within the next 30 minutes (our time frame, not the construction workers) because Ace can handle that (I stayed in the room the whole time, so I am only getting updates from Ace about what is going on).
Ace goes to the bathroom and then comes to change clothes so he's wearing something besides pajamas to move cars. By 9:15 Ace is having to wait for them to move out of his way so he can move his mom's SUV. In the minute and a half it takes him to move her car, park it, and come back to move our car, they have started taking out half of the bottom of the driveway (the half behind our car, naturally). So he has to pull our car into the garage, wait for them to move, again, and then go park our car out of the way.
At the time, they told us it would be 2 to 3 days before we could use our driveway again. Yesterday, at some point, they repaved the parts they had torn out. We now have a working driveway again. The biggest problem is that if Ace or I hadn't been here, my mother-in-law could never have gotten her car out of the garage before they started working. She would have been stuck here until the driveway was repaired (not that she went anywhere, nor was she planning on it, but still). We are assuming that her call of complaint (a second call since they started working on the street, because they cut our water off with no notice for a few hours last week too) got them to repave our driveway quicker (there are other people waiting for their driveways to be repaved). On the plus side, they did expand the lower portion of the driveway to include the expanded sides that my in-laws had done previously.
It's been a crazy week around here.
Thursday morning, about 9 (right before my alarm was going to go off), there was a knock on the door. The cars needed to be moved so that we could have access to them while the end of our driveway was torn out and replaced. Okay, the timing sucks (since they were doing the tearing out that day), but we can get those moved within the next 30 minutes (our time frame, not the construction workers) because Ace can handle that (I stayed in the room the whole time, so I am only getting updates from Ace about what is going on).
Ace goes to the bathroom and then comes to change clothes so he's wearing something besides pajamas to move cars. By 9:15 Ace is having to wait for them to move out of his way so he can move his mom's SUV. In the minute and a half it takes him to move her car, park it, and come back to move our car, they have started taking out half of the bottom of the driveway (the half behind our car, naturally). So he has to pull our car into the garage, wait for them to move, again, and then go park our car out of the way.
At the time, they told us it would be 2 to 3 days before we could use our driveway again. Yesterday, at some point, they repaved the parts they had torn out. We now have a working driveway again. The biggest problem is that if Ace or I hadn't been here, my mother-in-law could never have gotten her car out of the garage before they started working. She would have been stuck here until the driveway was repaired (not that she went anywhere, nor was she planning on it, but still). We are assuming that her call of complaint (a second call since they started working on the street, because they cut our water off with no notice for a few hours last week too) got them to repave our driveway quicker (there are other people waiting for their driveways to be repaved). On the plus side, they did expand the lower portion of the driveway to include the expanded sides that my in-laws had done previously.
It's been a crazy week around here.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thoughts about Food
Lately, I've been slightly obsessed with food. Ace and I have been stuck in a rut food wise, and my mind seems to think that planning out stuff for when we are on our own is a good way to over come it's objections to whatever we're having for dinner.
So, we've been talking about setting up a few specific things for some days. We're going to give up meat one day a week to eat less fat. This probably sounds bigger than it really is, we often end up not eating meat for several meals and this is just us being intentional about doing so. We're calling it Meatless Monday, although we haven't pinned down what day we'll actually be meatless (Ace says if Douglas Adams can have a trilogy with 5 books in it, we can have Meatless Monday on a Tuesday. I love this man.).
We are also talking about having New Recipe Thursday. I've got a cookbook with recipes already marked for things we should like. We're going to start trying some of those recipes. I figure it's important to try some new things (to expand our food options) and if we end up not liking something, we can always eat something else after we try the new recipe (this is my way of pushing myself to try some new things and to actually use that cookbook for something besides meatloaf).
Hopefully we'll find plenty of new options for the other 5 days of the week. And if nothing else, it'll get us thinking of new things and get me cooking more regularly.
So, any suggestions for recipes to try?
So, we've been talking about setting up a few specific things for some days. We're going to give up meat one day a week to eat less fat. This probably sounds bigger than it really is, we often end up not eating meat for several meals and this is just us being intentional about doing so. We're calling it Meatless Monday, although we haven't pinned down what day we'll actually be meatless (Ace says if Douglas Adams can have a trilogy with 5 books in it, we can have Meatless Monday on a Tuesday. I love this man.).
We are also talking about having New Recipe Thursday. I've got a cookbook with recipes already marked for things we should like. We're going to start trying some of those recipes. I figure it's important to try some new things (to expand our food options) and if we end up not liking something, we can always eat something else after we try the new recipe (this is my way of pushing myself to try some new things and to actually use that cookbook for something besides meatloaf).
Hopefully we'll find plenty of new options for the other 5 days of the week. And if nothing else, it'll get us thinking of new things and get me cooking more regularly.
So, any suggestions for recipes to try?
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Importance of Words
I've realized something over the course of my life. Words are important. They have lots of meaning. They can be used to convey lots of things.
I can tell a lovely story of how Ace and I met. I can paint that picture with words and make it come to life. You can feel like you were right there.
Or I can tell a story of how my mother emotionally abused me. How she made me feel small, quiet, and defenseless. I can pull at those emotional strings and leave you feeling bad for me.
Words have meaning and power. How we use them can be tricky. I can say something that is perfectly true while implying something that isn't. Or I can be frank and honest, but still not effectively communicate.
I don't know that I've always had a love of words. I've always felt more comfortable in books than in real life. And all those books have given me a big vocabulary. They have shown me that words are important. The meanings of words are important.
I want to tell a story (not here, at least not right now). The words I choose for that story are important. I want to show the truth of real life, even if it's hidden in behind a veil of fiction. When I chose names for my characters, I picked carefully. Names have meanings, and I wanted the meanings of my character's names to be related to their character. And it was a great start.
Words have meanings. And that makes them important.
P.S.: Yeah, this post seems to be a bit choppy, sorry. I can't seem to find the right words to express myself. Ironic, given the topic of the importance of words.
I can tell a lovely story of how Ace and I met. I can paint that picture with words and make it come to life. You can feel like you were right there.
Or I can tell a story of how my mother emotionally abused me. How she made me feel small, quiet, and defenseless. I can pull at those emotional strings and leave you feeling bad for me.
Words have meaning and power. How we use them can be tricky. I can say something that is perfectly true while implying something that isn't. Or I can be frank and honest, but still not effectively communicate.
I don't know that I've always had a love of words. I've always felt more comfortable in books than in real life. And all those books have given me a big vocabulary. They have shown me that words are important. The meanings of words are important.
I want to tell a story (not here, at least not right now). The words I choose for that story are important. I want to show the truth of real life, even if it's hidden in behind a veil of fiction. When I chose names for my characters, I picked carefully. Names have meanings, and I wanted the meanings of my character's names to be related to their character. And it was a great start.
Words have meanings. And that makes them important.
P.S.: Yeah, this post seems to be a bit choppy, sorry. I can't seem to find the right words to express myself. Ironic, given the topic of the importance of words.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Mood Swings
This week has been a joy of mood swings. Seriously, it's only been 3 days but it's felt like about 2 weeks. On the plus side, it's not just been a desire to curl up with some chocolate and cry or laugh (although that has popped up at least 2 times).
On the plus side, Ace knows that I've been emotional. He's putting up with my desires to watch something to cheer myself up. He's not made me feel bad about my lack of desire to move for the most part. He gets that my moods are currently being thrown around by my hormones.
It does not make it easier for me to live with my own random mood swings. I don't love feeling good and then suddenly wanting to not move for a week for no apparent reason. These mood swings really seem to sap the energy right out of me.
On the plus side, the mood swings sometimes go to being in a great mood for no obvious reason either. And any little bit of good news makes the day seem brighter. It's just hard to find a middle ground sometimes.
On the plus side, Ace knows that I've been emotional. He's putting up with my desires to watch something to cheer myself up. He's not made me feel bad about my lack of desire to move for the most part. He gets that my moods are currently being thrown around by my hormones.
It does not make it easier for me to live with my own random mood swings. I don't love feeling good and then suddenly wanting to not move for a week for no apparent reason. These mood swings really seem to sap the energy right out of me.
On the plus side, the mood swings sometimes go to being in a great mood for no obvious reason either. And any little bit of good news makes the day seem brighter. It's just hard to find a middle ground sometimes.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The Solution
Lately I've been feeling much grouchier than I generally like to be. Part of it has been the stresses of the job, but part of it has been a lack of enough good rest and a lack of sex (much to Ace's unhappiness).
Nicely, I've had lots of time off lately. I've caught up on sleep for the most part. And this morning Ace and I had sex. And now I am in a great mood. The sun seems brighter, the house warmer (I was cold), and the food tastes better.
I know that the solution to all my problems is not just sleep and sex. But they do seem to affect my general outlook on life. And even stress from the job doesn't stick around when I'm seeing the world as a good place.
I guess I just need to make sure I have sex more often. Even if my body seems to be objecting to movement.
Nicely, I've had lots of time off lately. I've caught up on sleep for the most part. And this morning Ace and I had sex. And now I am in a great mood. The sun seems brighter, the house warmer (I was cold), and the food tastes better.
I know that the solution to all my problems is not just sleep and sex. But they do seem to affect my general outlook on life. And even stress from the job doesn't stick around when I'm seeing the world as a good place.
I guess I just need to make sure I have sex more often. Even if my body seems to be objecting to movement.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Customer Service
Working in customer service over the phone is interesting. I often hear from many lovely people who aren't nearly so upset that the IRS is having problems (again) and their refund is delayed. They accept that the company I work for is not responsible for the problems.
Then there are the ones that ask if they are getting a refund. They are frustrated and upset that their refund is not available (we've moved past most of the ones who want it urgently, which is nice). They are upset that they still have to pay full fees to us, despite recognizing that we didn't cause the problems they are currently facing. These people are not so fun to work with.
They seem to think that customer service means we can change anything for them and fix any problem or answer any question. They don't stop to think that we probably only have limited information available to us. We don't get told what all the fees are or what they are for. We don't have the answers to their questions. Or if we do, they aren't the answers they want to hear.
It's frustrating for us. We are just as frustrated as our customers that their refunds haven't gotten here yet. We aren't cheering that their refunds are delayed. We like saying "Yes, come in. Your check is ready." It makes us happy to give people good news.
Please treat people in customer service, in any industry, with some basic decency. We are probably on your side to start off with. We want to solve your problem or at least try to make your feelings about the company that employs us less unhappy. And remember we have heard your complaint probably a dozen times, we feel agree that X sucks and we'd like to change it, but that is not always possible. Cut us a bit of slack.
Sincerely,
M.A.
P.S.: I did not have a particularly bad day (other than the IRS info), but this is good info for anyone who is dealing with customer service to remember. Most of us don't get paid enough for the stress that customers put us through (I'm only barely earning over minimum wage).
Then there are the ones that ask if they are getting a refund. They are frustrated and upset that their refund is not available (we've moved past most of the ones who want it urgently, which is nice). They are upset that they still have to pay full fees to us, despite recognizing that we didn't cause the problems they are currently facing. These people are not so fun to work with.
They seem to think that customer service means we can change anything for them and fix any problem or answer any question. They don't stop to think that we probably only have limited information available to us. We don't get told what all the fees are or what they are for. We don't have the answers to their questions. Or if we do, they aren't the answers they want to hear.
It's frustrating for us. We are just as frustrated as our customers that their refunds haven't gotten here yet. We aren't cheering that their refunds are delayed. We like saying "Yes, come in. Your check is ready." It makes us happy to give people good news.
Please treat people in customer service, in any industry, with some basic decency. We are probably on your side to start off with. We want to solve your problem or at least try to make your feelings about the company that employs us less unhappy. And remember we have heard your complaint probably a dozen times, we feel agree that X sucks and we'd like to change it, but that is not always possible. Cut us a bit of slack.
Sincerely,
M.A.
P.S.: I did not have a particularly bad day (other than the IRS info), but this is good info for anyone who is dealing with customer service to remember. Most of us don't get paid enough for the stress that customers put us through (I'm only barely earning over minimum wage).
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day
Ace and I are going on a nice lunch date after a bit. Then we are clearing out a desk and grabbing the mail on our way home. We are such romantics, aren't we?
Tomorrow, when the chocolate is half price, we're going to go buy some chocolate to celebrate. Because I'm willing to wait a day to get twice as much chocolate.
And I really don't have too much else to say.
Hope you enjoy your Valentine's Day as much as I'll enjoy mine.
Tomorrow, when the chocolate is half price, we're going to go buy some chocolate to celebrate. Because I'm willing to wait a day to get twice as much chocolate.
And I really don't have too much else to say.
Hope you enjoy your Valentine's Day as much as I'll enjoy mine.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Why I Love Ace
Ace and I are at a marriage conference this weekend (because even a great marriage can get better). Our homework for tonight is to write 10 things we love about each other. So, I'm posting my 10 things online, because I feel like sharing them with the world.
1. Ace loves God. Ace loves God more than he loves me, and he loves me a lot. While this bothered me when we were first married, I've since come to realize that I prefer it that way. If God is first, He will make sure that I am a very close second.
2. Ace takes wonderful care of me. Whether it's pain relievers and a heating pad when my back hurts or chocolate and a hug when I've had a long day or talking in silly accents to make me laugh when I'm depressed he takes wonderful care of me. It makes me feel loved and cherished.
3. Ace surprises me with special things from the store. Earlier tonight, we went shopping at Walmart. I went to the bathroom while Ace checked out. When we got home, he gave me the Nutella and bread sticks he bought for me as a surprise just because he knows I like Nutella (We tried it about a month ago. I liked it, Ace didn't.).
4. Ace doesn't take offense when I ask him to brush his teeth or have a mint after he eats barbecue sauce. He knows I don't like the smell and just want to be happy being close to him afterwards.
5. Ace puts my desires over his. 99% of the time, when we go out to eat, he lets me pick where we go. He lets me decide what we're watching most of the time. He lets me keep the remote, because he just doesn't care enough if he's got it.
6. Ace wants me to be able to be a housewife. For as much as I've complained about the bad stuff with my job lately, I know how much he's appreciated my being willing to work this job for us to have some money. And he is ready to let me be a housewife again as soon as possible.
7. Ace doesn't let his parents dictate how our marriage is going. They've tried, but he's stood up for me each time. He protects me, especially from people I can't quite protect myself from.
8. Ace dreams big. We may not be where we want to be, but his dreams of the future help mine grow and help make us see that these circumstances are just temporary. And that is magical.
9. Ace knows how to make my toes curl.
10. Ace loves my family. Even my brother (who annoys him).
1. Ace loves God. Ace loves God more than he loves me, and he loves me a lot. While this bothered me when we were first married, I've since come to realize that I prefer it that way. If God is first, He will make sure that I am a very close second.
2. Ace takes wonderful care of me. Whether it's pain relievers and a heating pad when my back hurts or chocolate and a hug when I've had a long day or talking in silly accents to make me laugh when I'm depressed he takes wonderful care of me. It makes me feel loved and cherished.
3. Ace surprises me with special things from the store. Earlier tonight, we went shopping at Walmart. I went to the bathroom while Ace checked out. When we got home, he gave me the Nutella and bread sticks he bought for me as a surprise just because he knows I like Nutella (We tried it about a month ago. I liked it, Ace didn't.).
4. Ace doesn't take offense when I ask him to brush his teeth or have a mint after he eats barbecue sauce. He knows I don't like the smell and just want to be happy being close to him afterwards.
5. Ace puts my desires over his. 99% of the time, when we go out to eat, he lets me pick where we go. He lets me decide what we're watching most of the time. He lets me keep the remote, because he just doesn't care enough if he's got it.
6. Ace wants me to be able to be a housewife. For as much as I've complained about the bad stuff with my job lately, I know how much he's appreciated my being willing to work this job for us to have some money. And he is ready to let me be a housewife again as soon as possible.
7. Ace doesn't let his parents dictate how our marriage is going. They've tried, but he's stood up for me each time. He protects me, especially from people I can't quite protect myself from.
8. Ace dreams big. We may not be where we want to be, but his dreams of the future help mine grow and help make us see that these circumstances are just temporary. And that is magical.
9. Ace knows how to make my toes curl.
10. Ace loves my family. Even my brother (who annoys him).
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
A Secret to (Marital) Happiness
Ace has had several women suggest he teach men how to be good at relationships. It's not a bad thought, we are happy in our relationship. And we have never had an actual fight.
We've had disagreements, because we obviously are both human. The first year we were married, we came close to having some heated arguments. And then, while I calmed down (because it was always me who was angry), Ace prayed. When I calmed down, he apologized and we talked some more in a calmer manner. After that first year, we've been able to avoid the tenser parts and just stick to the calmer talking about things.
I think that aspect of our relationship has been the biggest secret to our happiness as a couple. We respect each other too much to argue. We respect that we each see things differently. And it's not like we disagree on many things (enough that we aren't the same person in two different bodies, not enough that it's hard to live with each other). Despite my mother-in-law's opinions on the matter, we have plenty of foods in common too (that woman is slightly obsessed with food).
The biggest thing that learning how to effectively communicate with each other that first year of our marriage has done is made us see the importance of clearly talking to each other. We talk about just about everything. And it's made us wonder how marriages work for couples who don't. Talking just seems natural after 8 and 1/2 years.
I recognize that I've been blessed with a wonderful husband. He finds our relationship important enough to work on it. He doesn't want to take it for granted that we will always be on the same page. He cares about what I think and he knows that I care about what he thinks. We both want our marriage to be happy, so we both put work into it.
It's because of these things that even living with my in-laws, even stressing about money, we have happiness and love. Life isn't perfect here, but it wasn't perfect before either. Life will never be perfect, but we prefer to find the happiness and joy in our lives despite the circumstances. And I think that is the true secret to happiness.
We've had disagreements, because we obviously are both human. The first year we were married, we came close to having some heated arguments. And then, while I calmed down (because it was always me who was angry), Ace prayed. When I calmed down, he apologized and we talked some more in a calmer manner. After that first year, we've been able to avoid the tenser parts and just stick to the calmer talking about things.
I think that aspect of our relationship has been the biggest secret to our happiness as a couple. We respect each other too much to argue. We respect that we each see things differently. And it's not like we disagree on many things (enough that we aren't the same person in two different bodies, not enough that it's hard to live with each other). Despite my mother-in-law's opinions on the matter, we have plenty of foods in common too (that woman is slightly obsessed with food).
The biggest thing that learning how to effectively communicate with each other that first year of our marriage has done is made us see the importance of clearly talking to each other. We talk about just about everything. And it's made us wonder how marriages work for couples who don't. Talking just seems natural after 8 and 1/2 years.
I recognize that I've been blessed with a wonderful husband. He finds our relationship important enough to work on it. He doesn't want to take it for granted that we will always be on the same page. He cares about what I think and he knows that I care about what he thinks. We both want our marriage to be happy, so we both put work into it.
It's because of these things that even living with my in-laws, even stressing about money, we have happiness and love. Life isn't perfect here, but it wasn't perfect before either. Life will never be perfect, but we prefer to find the happiness and joy in our lives despite the circumstances. And I think that is the true secret to happiness.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
One of Those Days
Today was one of those days at work. Nothing went spectacularly (or even non-spectacularly) wrong, but a few things went slightly less right than I would have liked. I'm blaming a night of wonky sleep.
On the plus side, I told 13 people that they had refunds waiting for them. Yay for good news!
And no one cursed me out today, or was even just somewhat rude.
All in all, not a bad day for one of those days.
On the plus side, I told 13 people that they had refunds waiting for them. Yay for good news!
And no one cursed me out today, or was even just somewhat rude.
All in all, not a bad day for one of those days.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Quiet Again
After spending almost 8 hours answering the phone at work, I am generally happy to come home and be quiet. Being an introvert, I've used up all my energy being on for the people I'm talking to. I get home and I want to collapse and not move or talk much more than necessary.
Ace is trying to adjust to that some, I think. He's used to me talking his ear off occasionally, and right now I'm more likely to send him an IM than to say something out loud.
I don't have a lot else to say right now, I just wanted to be sure that I posted something, even if it's just to say that I'm probably going to be a lot quieter here than I have been in the past. After work, I just don't have much left to say right now.
Ace is trying to adjust to that some, I think. He's used to me talking his ear off occasionally, and right now I'm more likely to send him an IM than to say something out loud.
I don't have a lot else to say right now, I just wanted to be sure that I posted something, even if it's just to say that I'm probably going to be a lot quieter here than I have been in the past. After work, I just don't have much left to say right now.
Friday, January 27, 2012
The Bright Side
After complaining about my job for 2 days, I figure I should post something positive about it. After all, it's not all frustrating people and stress.
I had one person calling about her refund who apologized for any frustration her husband was causing us about checking on their refund. She called me Sweat Pea. She made me smile. It was one of the nicer calls I've had.
I also had one of the guys at one of our stores banter with me a little and he made me smile. He understood my frustration at the IRS situation and just cheered me up by being happy to hear from me. It was a bright spot in a somewhat frustrating day. It made it easier to smile and talk with customers.
There are the people who seemed less frustrated and upset after talking to me that have encouraged me. I may not have been able to give them what they want, but I was able to help them understand what is going on and to know that the company I work for does care about their situation. Their stories will probably never fully leave me. These are the people I wish I could do more for. But I know that letting them rant helps some.
There are plenty of bright spots in my day to make it possible to do this job. And those bright spots outshine the problems. It's just a little harder, at the end of a long, frustrating day, to remember all the bright spots at first. The complaints and the frustrations have to be purged so that those people who help make me feel like I can continue doing this job can come back to mind.
I doubt I'll ever love this job, but I like it most of the time. If I get on here and complain, I'm just trying to vent my own frustrations so that I can go back to work and be cheerful again. (I am still looking forward to the end of tax season.)
I had one person calling about her refund who apologized for any frustration her husband was causing us about checking on their refund. She called me Sweat Pea. She made me smile. It was one of the nicer calls I've had.
I also had one of the guys at one of our stores banter with me a little and he made me smile. He understood my frustration at the IRS situation and just cheered me up by being happy to hear from me. It was a bright spot in a somewhat frustrating day. It made it easier to smile and talk with customers.
There are the people who seemed less frustrated and upset after talking to me that have encouraged me. I may not have been able to give them what they want, but I was able to help them understand what is going on and to know that the company I work for does care about their situation. Their stories will probably never fully leave me. These are the people I wish I could do more for. But I know that letting them rant helps some.
There are plenty of bright spots in my day to make it possible to do this job. And those bright spots outshine the problems. It's just a little harder, at the end of a long, frustrating day, to remember all the bright spots at first. The complaints and the frustrations have to be purged so that those people who help make me feel like I can continue doing this job can come back to mind.
I doubt I'll ever love this job, but I like it most of the time. If I get on here and complain, I'm just trying to vent my own frustrations so that I can go back to work and be cheerful again. (I am still looking forward to the end of tax season.)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Let's Hear It for the IRS
After my slight frustrations yesterday, the IRS decided to drop some exciting news on us today. They had problems with some new filtering software. This is causing delays in refunds.
There were many frustrated and disappointed people. Nicely, most of the people I talked to were being reasonable about it. They weren't happy, but they seemed to understand that it was the fault of the IRS.
I'm happy that I have tomorrow off. I won't be having to spend another day explaining to people that their refunds won't be available until next week. I won't have to hear them complain that they should get a discount on their taxes because of a problem the IRS has. I won't have to apologize to people all day long.
Hopefully next week will be more fun. Hopefully next week will be me telling a lot more people that they can come in and pick up their checks. If nothing else, I get to have time alone with Ace next Friday (his parents will be out of town and I will be off). And I get paid next Friday. Next Friday is looking very pretty.
But I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank the IRS for how the day went. Hopefully they won't be surprised when they get a bill for chocolate and a massage in the mail.
There were many frustrated and disappointed people. Nicely, most of the people I talked to were being reasonable about it. They weren't happy, but they seemed to understand that it was the fault of the IRS.
I'm happy that I have tomorrow off. I won't be having to spend another day explaining to people that their refunds won't be available until next week. I won't have to hear them complain that they should get a discount on their taxes because of a problem the IRS has. I won't have to apologize to people all day long.
Hopefully next week will be more fun. Hopefully next week will be me telling a lot more people that they can come in and pick up their checks. If nothing else, I get to have time alone with Ace next Friday (his parents will be out of town and I will be off). And I get paid next Friday. Next Friday is looking very pretty.
But I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank the IRS for how the day went. Hopefully they won't be surprised when they get a bill for chocolate and a massage in the mail.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
"Maybe You Should Take Some Chocolate with You"
I love Ace. He's a wonderful husband. I don't think I'll be taking his latest advice though.
After I got home, after a day that felt long, I wanted some chocolate. To help drop the stress off some. Ace suggested I take some chocolate with me to work. If I did, I'm pretty sure it'd be gone with my lunch. And it's not like my day is that stressful, it's just been busy.
People are starting to call in to check on their refunds. I spent most of the first hour I was at work answering questions about refunds. I'm beginning to get tired of hearing the word refund. And I still have lots of tax season to go. (Yay! *starts crying*)
I'm not actually that frustrated with work, I'm just not happy with the one or two people each day that feel like bitching me out because they are frustrated or stressed. Part of me wants to yell at them that I'm human too and I have times that are frustrating, but I deserve better treatment than they are currently giving me. Instead, I try to gracefully finish the call and then blow off frustration by talking with co-workers.
But while I won't be taking chocolate to work with me, I will enjoy it when I get home. It's a wonderful ending to a long day answering the phone.
After I got home, after a day that felt long, I wanted some chocolate. To help drop the stress off some. Ace suggested I take some chocolate with me to work. If I did, I'm pretty sure it'd be gone with my lunch. And it's not like my day is that stressful, it's just been busy.
People are starting to call in to check on their refunds. I spent most of the first hour I was at work answering questions about refunds. I'm beginning to get tired of hearing the word refund. And I still have lots of tax season to go. (Yay! *starts crying*)
I'm not actually that frustrated with work, I'm just not happy with the one or two people each day that feel like bitching me out because they are frustrated or stressed. Part of me wants to yell at them that I'm human too and I have times that are frustrating, but I deserve better treatment than they are currently giving me. Instead, I try to gracefully finish the call and then blow off frustration by talking with co-workers.
But while I won't be taking chocolate to work with me, I will enjoy it when I get home. It's a wonderful ending to a long day answering the phone.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Home Early
Yesterday, I just felt terrible emotionally when I got home from work. I was taking a few things far more personally than I probably should have. It was just a bad day for me. And it wasn't helped by an unexpected shopping trip right after work.
Today, I ended up home from work early. I wasn't feeling great physically (hopefully it's just something minor and is mostly my body rebelling at being forced to get up early and sit somewhere else). There had already been someone else who came in feeling fine and then had to leave because she didn't feel good today. The boss was concerned that something might be making it's way through the call center.
I held out until lunch, which I ate as soon as possible. But, as I was eating, it was obvious that my icky feelings weren't just related to skipping breakfast and my period trying to start. So, here I am at home, resting and hopefully feeling just fine again tomorrow so I can work Monday (I did promise that if I wasn't feeling well Monday, I'd stay home and call in sick, because my boss was obviously worried about me coming back too soon and getting other people sick).
Before I left, while grabbing my coat, hat, and purse, I wiped stuff down with a Clorox wipe to kill any germs. It was a good just-in-case thing to do, and I wasn't feeling quite so bad that it was too much to ask of me.
And now, I'm thinking of taking a nap. Because my body obviously needs the rest.
Today, I ended up home from work early. I wasn't feeling great physically (hopefully it's just something minor and is mostly my body rebelling at being forced to get up early and sit somewhere else). There had already been someone else who came in feeling fine and then had to leave because she didn't feel good today. The boss was concerned that something might be making it's way through the call center.
I held out until lunch, which I ate as soon as possible. But, as I was eating, it was obvious that my icky feelings weren't just related to skipping breakfast and my period trying to start. So, here I am at home, resting and hopefully feeling just fine again tomorrow so I can work Monday (I did promise that if I wasn't feeling well Monday, I'd stay home and call in sick, because my boss was obviously worried about me coming back too soon and getting other people sick).
Before I left, while grabbing my coat, hat, and purse, I wiped stuff down with a Clorox wipe to kill any germs. It was a good just-in-case thing to do, and I wasn't feeling quite so bad that it was too much to ask of me.
And now, I'm thinking of taking a nap. Because my body obviously needs the rest.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Things Get Better
After my second day of work, I'm feeling less stressed about the whole thing. And oddly enough, it was after spending the day doing something that normally makes me freeze mentally.
Right now, we're calling clients to invite them to come back and have us do their taxes. I HATE making phone calls. I can answer the phone with no problems, but you want me to dial and talk? Um, no.
Except, when I'm making calls for a business, it's no big deal (Why yes, I am complicated and somewhat weird, what of it?). Who cares if these people aren't interested? They aren't rejecting me as a person, they just aren't interested in this company. It's this weird mental switch that gets thrown that makes things all right.
Today went much better. It helps that I wasn't getting overloaded with information. And there were plenty of people around for me to ask questions if I needed to. I was also able to take a few minutes and stretch more often, so my back doesn't hurt (at least not like it did Monday).
I'm not sure I love this job, but I think I might actually like it some. And that is progress.
Now if I can just figure out how to get over my intense issues with calling people for personal reasons (I'm pretty sure my dad would love to talk to me more often than just when I can come visit, but dialing that phone seems impossible).
Right now, we're calling clients to invite them to come back and have us do their taxes. I HATE making phone calls. I can answer the phone with no problems, but you want me to dial and talk? Um, no.
Except, when I'm making calls for a business, it's no big deal (Why yes, I am complicated and somewhat weird, what of it?). Who cares if these people aren't interested? They aren't rejecting me as a person, they just aren't interested in this company. It's this weird mental switch that gets thrown that makes things all right.
Today went much better. It helps that I wasn't getting overloaded with information. And there were plenty of people around for me to ask questions if I needed to. I was also able to take a few minutes and stretch more often, so my back doesn't hurt (at least not like it did Monday).
I'm not sure I love this job, but I think I might actually like it some. And that is progress.
Now if I can just figure out how to get over my intense issues with calling people for personal reasons (I'm pretty sure my dad would love to talk to me more often than just when I can come visit, but dialing that phone seems impossible).
Monday, January 16, 2012
So About this Work Thing
After my first day of work, a day of training, I have concluded that I am woeful out of shape (my back is so unhappy with me right now) and my brain is a bit frazzled because of all the information shoved into it. I'm so happy that tomorrow I have off to let my subconscious absorb all this info.
And Ace, once again, throws me for a loop with a change in what I expected on days he works in the office. Apparently I get to drop him off at work on those days (which means I won't have to wait for him to get there to leave). The other days, I'll have to wait for him to come pick me up, or we'll talk to my mother-in-law and see if she can pick me up.
And now, I'm going to go do something that requires less thought than typing out posts. My brain could use the break.
And Ace, once again, throws me for a loop with a change in what I expected on days he works in the office. Apparently I get to drop him off at work on those days (which means I won't have to wait for him to get there to leave). The other days, I'll have to wait for him to come pick me up, or we'll talk to my mother-in-law and see if she can pick me up.
And now, I'm going to go do something that requires less thought than typing out posts. My brain could use the break.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Employment Achieved
Starting Monday, I'll be working. I won't have a full 40 hours a week, but I'm not actually that concerned about it.
I'm still thrown that I never got interviewed for this job. Who gets a job that way? (Me, I guess.) The last time I had temporary employment (which this is), I had to be interviewed. On the plus side, I get paid a regular, hourly amount.
So, yeah. I'm a working woman again.
Yay?
I'm still thrown that I never got interviewed for this job. Who gets a job that way? (Me, I guess.) The last time I had temporary employment (which this is), I had to be interviewed. On the plus side, I get paid a regular, hourly amount.
So, yeah. I'm a working woman again.
Yay?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It's a Bright Year
Despite the fact that we've only had 9 full days so far this year, this has been the best year so far.
Ace finally has people at his office over him that care about helping him to succeed in insurance sales. They are impressed by the time he's put into learning things on his own and they want to see him do well. It's been a change from the last boss he had (at the same office) who didn't seem to care about him at all.
Today, I filled out paperwork for a job. There was no interview, other than asking if I was still interested. I'll hear back Thursday as to when I'll be working next week, provided everything goes through smoothly (either way, I'll hear back Thursday). I'm going to relax and not think about it for now. I'll get to wear jeans to work, something that thrills me completely.
These two things should provide Ace and I a good chance to actually make enough money to move out in the reasonably near future. Not only that, but last night I had a fairly fun evening out with my in-laws (something that was almost a miracle).
While Ace and I had a bad day last Wednesday, when problems Ace had at work came to a breaking point at the time, we've had great year so far. Things have been going well and we are just feeling like this is our year. And for that, we are extremely grateful.
Ace finally has people at his office over him that care about helping him to succeed in insurance sales. They are impressed by the time he's put into learning things on his own and they want to see him do well. It's been a change from the last boss he had (at the same office) who didn't seem to care about him at all.
Today, I filled out paperwork for a job. There was no interview, other than asking if I was still interested. I'll hear back Thursday as to when I'll be working next week, provided everything goes through smoothly (either way, I'll hear back Thursday). I'm going to relax and not think about it for now. I'll get to wear jeans to work, something that thrills me completely.
These two things should provide Ace and I a good chance to actually make enough money to move out in the reasonably near future. Not only that, but last night I had a fairly fun evening out with my in-laws (something that was almost a miracle).
While Ace and I had a bad day last Wednesday, when problems Ace had at work came to a breaking point at the time, we've had great year so far. Things have been going well and we are just feeling like this is our year. And for that, we are extremely grateful.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Calmer
Okay, since Wednesday, there have been a few changes around here.
Ace is continuing to work this job, but he's switching what team he's working on. Hopefully that will fix a majority of the issues that we were having with the lack of training going on. We're at least giving the whole thing a bit longer before we make any more decisions.
I am going on Tuesday to fill out paperwork for a job. Apparently, without being interviewed, I have gotten a job. It's a temp job, but it will provide us with some steady income while Ace is training and building his business. It'll be a great thing for us, and the only minor complication in this is that we'll have to figure out how to get me to and from work.
Things are calmer and better now. We're still a bit frustrated with how things have been, but we are focused on the brighter future that is coming up.
Ace is continuing to work this job, but he's switching what team he's working on. Hopefully that will fix a majority of the issues that we were having with the lack of training going on. We're at least giving the whole thing a bit longer before we make any more decisions.
I am going on Tuesday to fill out paperwork for a job. Apparently, without being interviewed, I have gotten a job. It's a temp job, but it will provide us with some steady income while Ace is training and building his business. It'll be a great thing for us, and the only minor complication in this is that we'll have to figure out how to get me to and from work.
Things are calmer and better now. We're still a bit frustrated with how things have been, but we are focused on the brighter future that is coming up.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Just Be Honest
Ace and I are getting a bit frustrated with his job. When he was interviewed, there were certain promises made. During training, there were promises made.
Over 6 weeks later, none of those promises have been kept. Instead there are excuses as to why they can't be kept or caveats added to get those promises kept. Ace has been left to flounder until he either improves or quits.
Ace and I aren't asking them to magically make his life easy. We recognize that insurance sales is a business that takes time to grow. We think we've got fairly reasonable expectations. But we're both tired of people in the management part of the insurance business lying to us about what they can and will do.
If you aren't going to do X unless I do Y, tell me up front. Then I can make a better call as to if I can afford to do Y to get X. I can make a decision about whether or not my family can afford income coming from a commission only job or if we need to focus on finding steady income.
It's all a big headache and it's way more involved than my few brief words here. Ace and I will probably be having a long talk later. We need to figure out what we need the two of us to do. Most likely, I will be working a temp job (for tax accountants) the next few months (I should find out tomorrow). But everything is up in the air today.
Bosses of the world, please be honest with potential employees. Let them have all the facts so they can make the right decision for their families. I realize that may leave you with open spaces longer than you would like, but wouldn't you rather have the right person in the job than just the first available person who expects things (that you promised) that you can't or won't give them?
Over 6 weeks later, none of those promises have been kept. Instead there are excuses as to why they can't be kept or caveats added to get those promises kept. Ace has been left to flounder until he either improves or quits.
Ace and I aren't asking them to magically make his life easy. We recognize that insurance sales is a business that takes time to grow. We think we've got fairly reasonable expectations. But we're both tired of people in the management part of the insurance business lying to us about what they can and will do.
If you aren't going to do X unless I do Y, tell me up front. Then I can make a better call as to if I can afford to do Y to get X. I can make a decision about whether or not my family can afford income coming from a commission only job or if we need to focus on finding steady income.
It's all a big headache and it's way more involved than my few brief words here. Ace and I will probably be having a long talk later. We need to figure out what we need the two of us to do. Most likely, I will be working a temp job (for tax accountants) the next few months (I should find out tomorrow). But everything is up in the air today.
Bosses of the world, please be honest with potential employees. Let them have all the facts so they can make the right decision for their families. I realize that may leave you with open spaces longer than you would like, but wouldn't you rather have the right person in the job than just the first available person who expects things (that you promised) that you can't or won't give them?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year!
Ace and I are both expecting good things coming from this new year. We're excited about 2012.
And I have about four other things I should be doing right now, so I'll post about our excitement about 2012 later. I just wanted to say:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
And I have about four other things I should be doing right now, so I'll post about our excitement about 2012 later. I just wanted to say:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Still Alive
I'm still alive over here. I enjoyed my Christmas with my dad, step-mom, and siblings. And since then I've been fighting off a cold or a sinus infection or something similar. I've been trying to stay warm and not moving much. I probably should have been napping more.
Now if only it didn't feel like I was breathing in something painful and the sneezing so often would stop, I could enjoy my new year. Today is the first day this week that I've woken up and not felt totally exhausted (it only took 11 hours of sleep to accomplish that). And I'm still feeling a little tired, but not nearly as much.
I also needed lots of blankets this morning (I was cold). I have my nice, heavy blanket that I bought in Mexico (great for warmth), and two lighter, thinner fleece blankets (one wrapped around my arms, the other laying on top of the one from Mexico). After that, I finally felt warm. In addition to that, I had put on my nice, fuzzy (warm) pajama pants (Ace and I bought them Tuesday, and I've mostly worn them since). My body was obviously needing some heat (I don't know if I was running a fever or just cold, but I started feeling comfy after that).
And now I'm going to try to finish most of what I do online daily so that I can try to convince myself to take a nap this afternoon. A body that is fighting something off needs lots of rest.
Now if only it didn't feel like I was breathing in something painful and the sneezing so often would stop, I could enjoy my new year. Today is the first day this week that I've woken up and not felt totally exhausted (it only took 11 hours of sleep to accomplish that). And I'm still feeling a little tired, but not nearly as much.
I also needed lots of blankets this morning (I was cold). I have my nice, heavy blanket that I bought in Mexico (great for warmth), and two lighter, thinner fleece blankets (one wrapped around my arms, the other laying on top of the one from Mexico). After that, I finally felt warm. In addition to that, I had put on my nice, fuzzy (warm) pajama pants (Ace and I bought them Tuesday, and I've mostly worn them since). My body was obviously needing some heat (I don't know if I was running a fever or just cold, but I started feeling comfy after that).
And now I'm going to try to finish most of what I do online daily so that I can try to convince myself to take a nap this afternoon. A body that is fighting something off needs lots of rest.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas
It hit me, as I sit here trying to mentally unwind from the day, that I should probably post again. I'm doing better. I'm not focusing on the current financial stuff that had me so upset a few days ago. I don't like not having Christmas gifts for people, and between that and the hormones I was not in a good place mentally. I was obviously having a bad day.
Today, while long and full of people for longer than I wanted it to be, was much better. My in-laws surprised me in good ways today. And if I hadn't been fighting off something, I would probably have enjoyed the day a lot more (I spent most of it wanting to lay down and not move much).
Tomorrow I get to see my dad and step-mom (and my siblings, I believe). I get to enjoy some yummy smoked turkey and ham. I get to spend time with people I don't get to see nearly often enough.
I'm trying to focus on the good things that are coming in this next year. Things like having my own cell phone again (that will be my late Christmas gift from Ace). And my date weekend away from the craziness that is life in my in-law's house (really late birthday celebration). Giving the Christmas gifts we wanted to be giving out today and tomorrow.
Today, while long and full of people for longer than I wanted it to be, was much better. My in-laws surprised me in good ways today. And if I hadn't been fighting off something, I would probably have enjoyed the day a lot more (I spent most of it wanting to lay down and not move much).
Tomorrow I get to see my dad and step-mom (and my siblings, I believe). I get to enjoy some yummy smoked turkey and ham. I get to spend time with people I don't get to see nearly often enough.
I'm trying to focus on the good things that are coming in this next year. Things like having my own cell phone again (that will be my late Christmas gift from Ace). And my date weekend away from the craziness that is life in my in-law's house (really late birthday celebration). Giving the Christmas gifts we wanted to be giving out today and tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Bottle-necked
The past few years have been hard and frustrating for me. And not just me, but Ace too. We've had way more setbacks in these past few years than seemed possible. But we kept going on, trying to do the right things and trying to find the right paths.
Unfortunately, at least for me, when all that happened, I started pushing most of my emotions about everything that was going on to the side. They weren't helping any of the various situations. And they weren't emotions that I wanted to deal with. So they got pushed aside and bottled up.
This past year has been probably the most difficult. Things just seem to keep piling on and a big part of me keeps wanting to give up. The depression that lurks around me has been harder to fight, because things just feel hopeless sometimes. People keep seeming to try to teach Ace and I that we shouldn't trust others, at least not fully. It's been exhausting and bad days have outnumbered the good the past few months.
I think I've reached an end to bottling up those emotions, at least for now. I don't have the energy to push them all away. I don't know that I have the energy to deal with them either, but they aren't going to just disappear. And I know that it will be healthier for me in the long run to just deal with them.
But for now, I'm somewhere between hurting and numb. I keep fluctuating back and forth between the two. I feel like I'm on a narrow edge and I'm just so close to falling either way. I have to be careful, but I can't ignore all the feelings that I've been not dealing with. They have come to the forefront and demanded attention.
I'm trying to be careful, because I feel depression breathing on my neck and I can't afford to let it draw me in. There are still things to do. Just because these emotions are overwhelming me right now is no reason to stop living life. But it would be so easy to just wallow for the next month.
I need help and I really don't know where to get it right now. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of being tired. Can't more things start going right for me?
Unfortunately, at least for me, when all that happened, I started pushing most of my emotions about everything that was going on to the side. They weren't helping any of the various situations. And they weren't emotions that I wanted to deal with. So they got pushed aside and bottled up.
This past year has been probably the most difficult. Things just seem to keep piling on and a big part of me keeps wanting to give up. The depression that lurks around me has been harder to fight, because things just feel hopeless sometimes. People keep seeming to try to teach Ace and I that we shouldn't trust others, at least not fully. It's been exhausting and bad days have outnumbered the good the past few months.
I think I've reached an end to bottling up those emotions, at least for now. I don't have the energy to push them all away. I don't know that I have the energy to deal with them either, but they aren't going to just disappear. And I know that it will be healthier for me in the long run to just deal with them.
But for now, I'm somewhere between hurting and numb. I keep fluctuating back and forth between the two. I feel like I'm on a narrow edge and I'm just so close to falling either way. I have to be careful, but I can't ignore all the feelings that I've been not dealing with. They have come to the forefront and demanded attention.
I'm trying to be careful, because I feel depression breathing on my neck and I can't afford to let it draw me in. There are still things to do. Just because these emotions are overwhelming me right now is no reason to stop living life. But it would be so easy to just wallow for the next month.
I need help and I really don't know where to get it right now. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of being tired. Can't more things start going right for me?
Monday, December 19, 2011
21
Today, my sister turned 21. She's fully a legal adult. If she wants, she can legally drink, smoke, vote, join the military, get married, drive, and own property (okay, most of that she could do by age 18, but still).
I remember when she was born (okay, not literally, because I was in school and I don't remember much of anything about that school day other than wanting to be at the hospital). I remember us bringing her home from the hospital. It was cold so there were several layers of blankets over her car seat. We went out to eat that night. She was 3 days old. 2 or 3 days later, on Christmas, our mother put her under the tree with a bow stuck to her head like she was a present.
I remember singing Disney songs with her and her insisting that I sing the boy parts (because she wasn't going to). I'm pretty sure I usually sang both parts, much to her frustration. I don't remember most of our games, but I know that we did play together.
We shared a room for 6 years. Her things were almost always thrown everywhere. My stuff was usually a little messy but easily cleaned up. We were almost like complete opposites personality wise. She was a morning person and I have always seemed to prefer night to morning. Our age difference didn't help us grow close, despite being in such close proximity. We started doing better when we stopped sharing a room.
I missed seeing her for most of her teen years. Moving to Tulsa and then stopping contact with my mom made my relationship with her strained. I felt like I was abandoning her for my own sanity and she apparently felt like I was just another person in a long string who left. I still hurt because of that. But we've talked this stuff over. I'm pretty sure we've worked most of it out. I hope she knows that I am open to hearing from her and talking to her at any time. I hope she knows how much I love her.
I feel like I left her while she was still forming her personality. I don't really fully know who my sister is any more. She's still the wonderful, sweet, caring person that I saw when she was 2, but she's also this strange and mysterious adult who I've not gotten much of a chance to get to know. She's had experiences that I wasn't there for or there to talk to about. I haven't gotten to be the protective big sister that I still am. I feel like she and I are worlds apart still.
My little sister, okay she's taller but she's still my little sister, is an adult. And I'm hoping that someday I'll get a chance to get to know her better.
I remember when she was born (okay, not literally, because I was in school and I don't remember much of anything about that school day other than wanting to be at the hospital). I remember us bringing her home from the hospital. It was cold so there were several layers of blankets over her car seat. We went out to eat that night. She was 3 days old. 2 or 3 days later, on Christmas, our mother put her under the tree with a bow stuck to her head like she was a present.
I remember singing Disney songs with her and her insisting that I sing the boy parts (because she wasn't going to). I'm pretty sure I usually sang both parts, much to her frustration. I don't remember most of our games, but I know that we did play together.
We shared a room for 6 years. Her things were almost always thrown everywhere. My stuff was usually a little messy but easily cleaned up. We were almost like complete opposites personality wise. She was a morning person and I have always seemed to prefer night to morning. Our age difference didn't help us grow close, despite being in such close proximity. We started doing better when we stopped sharing a room.
I missed seeing her for most of her teen years. Moving to Tulsa and then stopping contact with my mom made my relationship with her strained. I felt like I was abandoning her for my own sanity and she apparently felt like I was just another person in a long string who left. I still hurt because of that. But we've talked this stuff over. I'm pretty sure we've worked most of it out. I hope she knows that I am open to hearing from her and talking to her at any time. I hope she knows how much I love her.
I feel like I left her while she was still forming her personality. I don't really fully know who my sister is any more. She's still the wonderful, sweet, caring person that I saw when she was 2, but she's also this strange and mysterious adult who I've not gotten much of a chance to get to know. She's had experiences that I wasn't there for or there to talk to about. I haven't gotten to be the protective big sister that I still am. I feel like she and I are worlds apart still.
My little sister, okay she's taller but she's still my little sister, is an adult. And I'm hoping that someday I'll get a chance to get to know her better.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
It Doesn't Seem to End
I've been a little distracted lately. I've been doing a lot of reading on adoption. And two of the three days I took off from doing that, I spent not moving much because my back was hurting (the third day, Ace and I were running errands all afternoon, which is when I read).
I'm happy to be learning a lot of what I need to know, but I'm slightly frustrated that the more I research the more I find I need to research to feel like I can understand everything I want to understand. There is no real end in sight and that pleases me and frustrates me at the same time.
Once I start finding info on special needs kids (any kid roughly school aged who can be adopted is considered special needs), I start finding out I need to do more research on what problems I can expect special needs kids to exhibit. I need to understand what issues they would have based on being in the system, plus whatever problems created by their birth family situation, plus whatever issues might pop up from being pulled from one or more sets of parents.
It's difficult to read about this stuff. It's somewhat discouraging for me. I want to adopt an older child at some point. It's not like I had any questions that my future adopted child would have issues from their past, but I don't think I had fully thought about how difficult it might be to raise them before now. It's not that I don't think I can handle it or be a parent to an older child, but it's frustrating to see things written to be honest that feel discouraging.
I am getting the impression that there will never fully be an end to what I could research. There is no point where I've learned everything I can, there's just a point where I decide I've done enough research, that I know enough, and I put researching adoption back on the shelf in my mind until Ace and I are ready to move forward with adopting a child. And then I will do more research and more pointed research.
Every book I look at mentions websites and other books. Every website will probably point me to other websites and books. It doesn't seem like there is an end of resources. But I'm not devoting the rest of my life to researching things for this book. I'm feeling fairly confident in my understanding of the process of adoption, now I'll research the potential emotional implications. Then I'll try to move onto another topic to research (I still have a few other things to research after adoption, adoption was just the biggest one).
I'm happy to be learning a lot of what I need to know, but I'm slightly frustrated that the more I research the more I find I need to research to feel like I can understand everything I want to understand. There is no real end in sight and that pleases me and frustrates me at the same time.
Once I start finding info on special needs kids (any kid roughly school aged who can be adopted is considered special needs), I start finding out I need to do more research on what problems I can expect special needs kids to exhibit. I need to understand what issues they would have based on being in the system, plus whatever problems created by their birth family situation, plus whatever issues might pop up from being pulled from one or more sets of parents.
It's difficult to read about this stuff. It's somewhat discouraging for me. I want to adopt an older child at some point. It's not like I had any questions that my future adopted child would have issues from their past, but I don't think I had fully thought about how difficult it might be to raise them before now. It's not that I don't think I can handle it or be a parent to an older child, but it's frustrating to see things written to be honest that feel discouraging.
I am getting the impression that there will never fully be an end to what I could research. There is no point where I've learned everything I can, there's just a point where I decide I've done enough research, that I know enough, and I put researching adoption back on the shelf in my mind until Ace and I are ready to move forward with adopting a child. And then I will do more research and more pointed research.
Every book I look at mentions websites and other books. Every website will probably point me to other websites and books. It doesn't seem like there is an end of resources. But I'm not devoting the rest of my life to researching things for this book. I'm feeling fairly confident in my understanding of the process of adoption, now I'll research the potential emotional implications. Then I'll try to move onto another topic to research (I still have a few other things to research after adoption, adoption was just the biggest one).
Friday, December 9, 2011
Why So Quiet?
I love doing NaBloPoMo. It's a great challenge, and even when I know I've posted everyday, part of me freaks out and checks obsessively to make sure I haven't missed a day. It's something that seems like an important part of my life in November. Then December rolls around and I go back to posting randomly. I start letting days slip by without posting, because nothing exciting seems to happen, or because I'm just so busy with life that I don't have the energy to post. Or I just want a break after posting every day for 30 days.
This year, those 30 posts seemed harder to do. I posted 3 different spam mails! I don't think I've ever done that before. It wasn't that there was absolutely nothing to talk about, it's just that I really don't want to write my complaints in every post. And my stress levels were through the roof. I'm feeling much less stressed now. Things have calmed down at lot.
I stopped raiding in World of Warcraft. It was one thing too many right now. Ace and I were both having problems adjusting ourselves to his work schedule, trying to spend time with Taz some, finding time alone, and raiding. Something had to go. Ace needed more sleep at night and I needed to not be stressing the muscles in my back and shoulder so much. I'm still hoping that I can see Karen soon to get a massage, so that my back will stop feeling like a big knot.
Part of trying to drop my stress levels has been me not posting. I've been focusing on other things, like sleeping and reading. I've been trying to focus on the positives in my life. I've been talking with Ace about good things in our future. Things seem to be getting better, at least a bit. Now you know why things have been so quiet around here lately.
This year, those 30 posts seemed harder to do. I posted 3 different spam mails! I don't think I've ever done that before. It wasn't that there was absolutely nothing to talk about, it's just that I really don't want to write my complaints in every post. And my stress levels were through the roof. I'm feeling much less stressed now. Things have calmed down at lot.
I stopped raiding in World of Warcraft. It was one thing too many right now. Ace and I were both having problems adjusting ourselves to his work schedule, trying to spend time with Taz some, finding time alone, and raiding. Something had to go. Ace needed more sleep at night and I needed to not be stressing the muscles in my back and shoulder so much. I'm still hoping that I can see Karen soon to get a massage, so that my back will stop feeling like a big knot.
Part of trying to drop my stress levels has been me not posting. I've been focusing on other things, like sleeping and reading. I've been trying to focus on the positives in my life. I've been talking with Ace about good things in our future. Things seem to be getting better, at least a bit. Now you know why things have been so quiet around here lately.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Distractions Abound
One of the worst parts about living with my in-laws is that it's easy to get distracted by things. I'm trying to read about adoption right now, doing research for my book and getting reminded of the process. I keep getting distracted by the cold of the room and the sound of the TV through the shut door.
Yesterday, I couldn't force myself to focus for more than 30 minutes on any one thing. Today I don't seem to be doing much better. I miss having control of the temperature. I miss being able to have silence when it's convenient for me. I miss having control over my environment for a large part.
If I said something about the distraction of the TV, my mother-in-law would just suggest changing my schedule to fit around hers. How is that fair to me? She only has the TV on for noise and there are other ways to have noise in a house. I realize it's not fair to expect her to adjust her schedule to mine either, but she could at least lower the volume of the TV so it can't be heard through a closed door.
We are obviously still having issues with where the thermostat is set (Currently it's pushed down to the 60s. I'm hoping it's for my sister-in-law who is cleaning.). I am so ready for us to be in our own place again.
And now I need to get back to reading about adoption.
Yesterday, I couldn't force myself to focus for more than 30 minutes on any one thing. Today I don't seem to be doing much better. I miss having control of the temperature. I miss being able to have silence when it's convenient for me. I miss having control over my environment for a large part.
If I said something about the distraction of the TV, my mother-in-law would just suggest changing my schedule to fit around hers. How is that fair to me? She only has the TV on for noise and there are other ways to have noise in a house. I realize it's not fair to expect her to adjust her schedule to mine either, but she could at least lower the volume of the TV so it can't be heard through a closed door.
We are obviously still having issues with where the thermostat is set (Currently it's pushed down to the 60s. I'm hoping it's for my sister-in-law who is cleaning.). I am so ready for us to be in our own place again.
And now I need to get back to reading about adoption.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Keep Your Friends Close
My dad commented on a FaceBook post of mine and it's got me thinking. I quoted part of the song Lean on Me (If there is a load you have to bear that you can't carry, I'm right up the road I'll share your load if you just call me.). He said, "just because that is how you roll. You seem to believe keep your friends close, and your best friends even closer."
He's right, of course. If you are my friend, I care about what is going on in your life and I generally try to keep at least some tabs on you. If I love you, I keep myself in your life. I replied, "helps keep me happy, being surrounded by people I love."
I think this is the secret to living a fulfilling life. It's not to keep your enemies close, it's to walk away from them and surround yourself with people you care about who also care about you. It's not that you'll never have problems this way, but they will be easier to deal with. You will have surrounded yourself with an emotional safety net to keep you from getting hurt.
So, keep your friends close and your best friends even closer.
He's right, of course. If you are my friend, I care about what is going on in your life and I generally try to keep at least some tabs on you. If I love you, I keep myself in your life. I replied, "helps keep me happy, being surrounded by people I love."
I think this is the secret to living a fulfilling life. It's not to keep your enemies close, it's to walk away from them and surround yourself with people you care about who also care about you. It's not that you'll never have problems this way, but they will be easier to deal with. You will have surrounded yourself with an emotional safety net to keep you from getting hurt.
So, keep your friends close and your best friends even closer.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 30
I accomplished my goal of 30 posts in 30 days. This is the first November I've ever done this where the whole month ended up being fairly boring. This is the first November that I've struggled some to figure out what to post for about half the month.
Ace and I have made some decisions lately that have changed how busy our lives are. We're also adjusting to Ace's new job. He doesn't have set hours everyday and that is another adjustment we are making. But those are things I'm not really ready to fully talk about here.
Things with my in-laws are still a little odd. They are giving us some money to buy a car, but most things going on with them are still not positive. We're all feeling a bit awkward right now, I think. Things will hopefully start getting better soon. Ace earning some money will help.
I'm glad I did NaBloPoMo again this year. I feel like I've had some posts that were extremely well written. I feel like I phoned in a few posts. Hopefully I'll do better in the rest of the year to post well written posts.
Ace and I have made some decisions lately that have changed how busy our lives are. We're also adjusting to Ace's new job. He doesn't have set hours everyday and that is another adjustment we are making. But those are things I'm not really ready to fully talk about here.
Things with my in-laws are still a little odd. They are giving us some money to buy a car, but most things going on with them are still not positive. We're all feeling a bit awkward right now, I think. Things will hopefully start getting better soon. Ace earning some money will help.
I'm glad I did NaBloPoMo again this year. I feel like I've had some posts that were extremely well written. I feel like I phoned in a few posts. Hopefully I'll do better in the rest of the year to post well written posts.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 29
or I Quit
Dear Raid Team,
We've had fun these past few months. I enjoyed our time together. Part of me wishes I didn't have to say this, but here goes.
I quit. I like you. It is totally not your fault. It's just that right now life is more hectic than it's been in a long while. Ace is working, and working long hours. My shoulder and back are hurting more than they have before. We're trying to find a balance. I'm hoping we'll move out soon so I can start losing weight.
But something has to give. If it doesn't, I'll lose my mental and physical well being for a computer game. That wouldn't be healthy.
I don't know that I'll never come back. In fact, I've agreed, tentatively, to still raid with you on occasion. But I really can't devote 9 to 12 hours a week to this stuff right now. Life is pulling me in another direction.
I'll still see you, at least sometimes. I'll be working on other characters in game. I'm friends with more than half of you on FaceBook. We aren't going to fully lose touch and I'll probably be seeing you more than either of us expects. Hopefully I'll have good news for you all. Hopefully my shoulder will get a break.
But, for now at least, I quit. It's been good and I'll miss it.
Love,
M.A. Smith
Dear Raid Team,
We've had fun these past few months. I enjoyed our time together. Part of me wishes I didn't have to say this, but here goes.
I quit. I like you. It is totally not your fault. It's just that right now life is more hectic than it's been in a long while. Ace is working, and working long hours. My shoulder and back are hurting more than they have before. We're trying to find a balance. I'm hoping we'll move out soon so I can start losing weight.
But something has to give. If it doesn't, I'll lose my mental and physical well being for a computer game. That wouldn't be healthy.
I don't know that I'll never come back. In fact, I've agreed, tentatively, to still raid with you on occasion. But I really can't devote 9 to 12 hours a week to this stuff right now. Life is pulling me in another direction.
I'll still see you, at least sometimes. I'll be working on other characters in game. I'm friends with more than half of you on FaceBook. We aren't going to fully lose touch and I'll probably be seeing you more than either of us expects. Hopefully I'll have good news for you all. Hopefully my shoulder will get a break.
But, for now at least, I quit. It's been good and I'll miss it.
Love,
M.A. Smith
Monday, November 28, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 28
or Busy Week
Ace and I have a busy week this week. We have plans every evening except Wednesday. Also, Ace is planning on working as much as he can the next few months to try to get us to a good place financially.
Tonight, we have a few errands to run. Hopefully it won't take too long to be back home. Tuesday night, we have a Christmas party to go to. Taz and her kids may join us for that, but we won't know until Tuesday. Thursday is prayer night. Friday and Saturday we have a conference here in Tulsa we will be going to.
We got a little stressed earlier today, partly because of how busy this week is. We both felt frustrated and didn't put each other's feelings first. We both apologized for being frustrated with the other. We spent some time focusing on the positives that will soon be coming around.
This is a busy week, but hopefully we'll both keep in mind that we aren't normally this busy. Hopefully we'll be more careful about keeping ourselves in the right place mentally. And next week will be less busy either way.
Ace and I have a busy week this week. We have plans every evening except Wednesday. Also, Ace is planning on working as much as he can the next few months to try to get us to a good place financially.
Tonight, we have a few errands to run. Hopefully it won't take too long to be back home. Tuesday night, we have a Christmas party to go to. Taz and her kids may join us for that, but we won't know until Tuesday. Thursday is prayer night. Friday and Saturday we have a conference here in Tulsa we will be going to.
We got a little stressed earlier today, partly because of how busy this week is. We both felt frustrated and didn't put each other's feelings first. We both apologized for being frustrated with the other. We spent some time focusing on the positives that will soon be coming around.
This is a busy week, but hopefully we'll both keep in mind that we aren't normally this busy. Hopefully we'll be more careful about keeping ourselves in the right place mentally. And next week will be less busy either way.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 27
Ace, Taz (my new friend, called the name she gave me permission to use), and I watched Avatar Friday night. Her kids were spending the night with their grandparents and we hung out and watched a movie. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the movie.
I had heard that it was about being green, and I guess that message was in the movie some, but it wasn't the message that hit me. Instead, I was surprised at how much the political message that was much more obvious seemed so appropriate. It surprised me how much I don't think about where our troops go and what the culture is like there.
I know that in Iraq there are families. They are probably fairly similar to the ones I grew up seeing on TV. They are trying to live their lives and walk their faith. And then we come in and fight a war in their country or try to convince them to change to a lifestyle we are more comfortable with.
We don't consider what is special to them. We think we are superior just because we are different and live in a generally more developed nation. We don't listen to them to find out what is important or why they would want to live the way they are. We don't show them respect. And then we wonder why we are hated as a nation.
I don't know that those families in Iraq are right. I don't know that they are wrong. I just know that they are different in ways that probably don't matter. I know that we should show other people, other cultures, and other nations respect. Who is to say that we are right? What if we are wrong?
There are always two sides to every story. Both sides think they are right, or at least less wrong. Maybe it's time we start listening to both sides before we decide.
I had heard that it was about being green, and I guess that message was in the movie some, but it wasn't the message that hit me. Instead, I was surprised at how much the political message that was much more obvious seemed so appropriate. It surprised me how much I don't think about where our troops go and what the culture is like there.
I know that in Iraq there are families. They are probably fairly similar to the ones I grew up seeing on TV. They are trying to live their lives and walk their faith. And then we come in and fight a war in their country or try to convince them to change to a lifestyle we are more comfortable with.
We don't consider what is special to them. We think we are superior just because we are different and live in a generally more developed nation. We don't listen to them to find out what is important or why they would want to live the way they are. We don't show them respect. And then we wonder why we are hated as a nation.
I don't know that those families in Iraq are right. I don't know that they are wrong. I just know that they are different in ways that probably don't matter. I know that we should show other people, other cultures, and other nations respect. Who is to say that we are right? What if we are wrong?
There are always two sides to every story. Both sides think they are right, or at least less wrong. Maybe it's time we start listening to both sides before we decide.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 26
Last night, I went to look at Christmas lights with Ace, my new friend (gonna talk to her about the name thing), and her two kids. It was a lot of fun, even if it did feel like the Bataan Death March of looking at Christmas lights.
We were walking around at a pretty good pace, mostly because that's the pace set by the youngest member of our party. If I had been setting the pace, we'd have been going closer to half the speed. I expect to feel the burn in my muscles later for all that walking.
We saw roughly 2 million lights (give or take a few thousand). We all had fun. We skipped anything that would have cost money and stuck to the free stuff. I'd love to do it again sometime.
We were walking around at a pretty good pace, mostly because that's the pace set by the youngest member of our party. If I had been setting the pace, we'd have been going closer to half the speed. I expect to feel the burn in my muscles later for all that walking.
We saw roughly 2 million lights (give or take a few thousand). We all had fun. We skipped anything that would have cost money and stuck to the free stuff. I'd love to do it again sometime.
Friday, November 25, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 25
or Another Spam E-mail This Month?
Yes, another spam e-mail. Deal with it.
>From: American Embassy
>Sent: Sat, Nov 12, 2011 4:56 am
>Subject: ,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
Ooh, it's from the US Embassy. But why does the e-mail address not end in .gov?
>,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
>Embassy of United States of America in Abuja
>7, Mambilla Street
>Off Aso Drive Maitama District, Abuja
I have no clue if there is an embassy in Abuja. I don't know where Abuja is.
>Greeting to you, I am Mr. Fred Williams Secretary American Embassy
>Abuja-Nigeria, thank you so much and get back to my e-mail regarding the
>money you have lost based on ongoing scam activities in Africa especially
>Nigeria, the US, UN, EU and AU has admit with the federal government of
>Nigeria to combat this recent increasing in fraud by the dubious citizens of
>the third world nations
Greetings to you. I never talked to you before but I'm glad I could help you with the e-mail I didn't send. I'm glad to see someone is taking all this fraud seriously.
>We have carried out Investigation to many Office departments in African
>countries.
Well, that's good to know. Why are you randomly capitalizing words?
>Also, Regarding different emails you are receiving from people claiming to be
>President of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), we want you to stop any further
>communication with them.
I haven't been communicating with anyone from Nigeria. I've not responded to a single spam e-mail. Ever.
>We are working very hard, with ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISSION >(EFCC) in conjunction with FBI to make sure we arrest all those criminals.
That's nice. Does this mean I'll get less spam?
>This is to inform you about our plan; This Group is responsible for
>investigating the legitimacy of your fund worldwide to the beneficiaries
>without further delay. You are being legally contacted regarding the release
>of your long awaited fund that amount $14, 700, 00, 00 million U.S dollars
>WHICH WILL get to you through Mrs. STELLA COLLINS AND THE LAWYER >REPRESENTING YOU BARRISTER MARTINS ADAM PHONE +2347042948613
I haven't been awaiting any funds from Nigeria. Especially not $14.7 million. I have no clue if that's even a legitimate phone number.
>YOUR URGENT RESPONDS WITH THE INFORMATION'S STATED BELOW
>1 Your complete name
>2 your complete address to avoid handling of your card that contains your fund to a wrong >hand
>3 A copy of your identification card or you international; passport
>4 Phone number
>5 Your occupation
1 Marsha Amanda Smith (not my real name)
2 12345 S. Main St, Tulsa, OK 67891 (not my real address)
3 I don't have a way to copy my ID and I don't have a passport (not that I'd put it here if I did)
4 1 (234) 555-6789
5 Ice cream taste tester (oh wait, that's a job I might enjoy, not one I have)
>Send a copy of your INFORMATION\S to our remittance officer to avoid handling
>your fund to a wrong hand inform her that I directed you to contact her with
>the informations below
>NAME: Mrs. STELLA COLLINS
>REF/ PAYMENTS CODE: ECB/06654
>Email: mrsstellacollins4@i.ua
I'm not fully sure I know what I'm supposed to do here. Am I supposed to send her information? Am I supposed to tell this person I'm supposed to contact her?
>Thanks
Thanks for nothing.
>Mr. Fred Williams
>Secretary American Embassy in Abuja-Nigeria
Marsha Amanda Smith
Ice Cream Taste Tester
Sorry, I don't think I was nearly as funny today. This e-mail just wasn't that funny and ended up being odd.
Yes, another spam e-mail. Deal with it.
>From: American Embassy
>Sent: Sat, Nov 12, 2011 4:56 am
>Subject: ,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
Ooh, it's from the US Embassy. But why does the e-mail address not end in .gov?
>,,,,, FROM ,,U.S.A EMBASSY ,,,,
>Embassy of United States of America in Abuja
>7, Mambilla Street
>Off Aso Drive Maitama District, Abuja
I have no clue if there is an embassy in Abuja. I don't know where Abuja is.
>Greeting to you, I am Mr. Fred Williams Secretary American Embassy
>Abuja-Nigeria, thank you so much and get back to my e-mail regarding the
>money you have lost based on ongoing scam activities in Africa especially
>Nigeria, the US, UN, EU and AU has admit with the federal government of
>Nigeria to combat this recent increasing in fraud by the dubious citizens of
>the third world nations
Greetings to you. I never talked to you before but I'm glad I could help you with the e-mail I didn't send. I'm glad to see someone is taking all this fraud seriously.
>We have carried out Investigation to many Office departments in African
>countries.
Well, that's good to know. Why are you randomly capitalizing words?
>Also, Regarding different emails you are receiving from people claiming to be
>President of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN), we want you to stop any further
>communication with them.
I haven't been communicating with anyone from Nigeria. I've not responded to a single spam e-mail. Ever.
>We are working very hard, with ECONOMIC AND FINANCIAL CRIMES COMMISSION >(EFCC) in conjunction with FBI to make sure we arrest all those criminals.
That's nice. Does this mean I'll get less spam?
>This is to inform you about our plan; This Group is responsible for
>investigating the legitimacy of your fund worldwide to the beneficiaries
>without further delay. You are being legally contacted regarding the release
>of your long awaited fund that amount $14, 700, 00, 00 million U.S dollars
>WHICH WILL get to you through Mrs. STELLA COLLINS AND THE LAWYER >REPRESENTING YOU BARRISTER MARTINS ADAM PHONE +2347042948613
I haven't been awaiting any funds from Nigeria. Especially not $14.7 million. I have no clue if that's even a legitimate phone number.
>YOUR URGENT RESPONDS WITH THE INFORMATION'S STATED BELOW
>1 Your complete name
>2 your complete address to avoid handling of your card that contains your fund to a wrong >hand
>3 A copy of your identification card or you international; passport
>4 Phone number
>5 Your occupation
1 Marsha Amanda Smith (not my real name)
2 12345 S. Main St, Tulsa, OK 67891 (not my real address)
3 I don't have a way to copy my ID and I don't have a passport (not that I'd put it here if I did)
4 1 (234) 555-6789
5 Ice cream taste tester (oh wait, that's a job I might enjoy, not one I have)
>Send a copy of your INFORMATION\S to our remittance officer to avoid handling
>your fund to a wrong hand inform her that I directed you to contact her with
>the informations below
>NAME: Mrs. STELLA COLLINS
>REF/ PAYMENTS CODE: ECB/06654
>Email: mrsstellacollins4@i.ua
I'm not fully sure I know what I'm supposed to do here. Am I supposed to send her information? Am I supposed to tell this person I'm supposed to contact her?
>Thanks
Thanks for nothing.
>Mr. Fred Williams
>Secretary American Embassy in Abuja-Nigeria
Marsha Amanda Smith
Ice Cream Taste Tester
Sorry, I don't think I was nearly as funny today. This e-mail just wasn't that funny and ended up being odd.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 24
or Things I'm Thankful For
As it's Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to make a list of things I'm thankful for this year.
1. Ace has a job.
2. Ace has motivation to get us back on our own.
3. We've had somewhere to live for the last year and a half. It may not be where we've dreamed of living, but we've had a roof over our head.
4. I have a nice warm blanket to keep me warm when the house is cooler than I'd like it to be.
5. I have a new friend. We're making plans to get to know each other better.
6. I have things I can take and do when my shoulder or back starts hurting.
I'm sure there are many other things that I'm thankful for, but right now these are the things that top my list.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
As it's Thanksgiving, it seems appropriate to make a list of things I'm thankful for this year.
1. Ace has a job.
2. Ace has motivation to get us back on our own.
3. We've had somewhere to live for the last year and a half. It may not be where we've dreamed of living, but we've had a roof over our head.
4. I have a nice warm blanket to keep me warm when the house is cooler than I'd like it to be.
5. I have a new friend. We're making plans to get to know each other better.
6. I have things I can take and do when my shoulder or back starts hurting.
I'm sure there are many other things that I'm thankful for, but right now these are the things that top my list.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 23
Ace and I are planning on spending some time together, just the two of us, later on. I'm looking forward to it. We've had less time with each other lately because of his job (that doesn't bother me) and because of spending time with our friend (I'll give her a name soon, but not today).
It's nice for us to have a little bit of time to focus on each other. I think I've been needing a little of that lately. I've got some things for us to talk about and hopefully we'll get some things ironed out and plans will be made.
Ace has promised me the time, and if I have to hide the phone and drag him away from his computer, I know I'll get it (I doubt I'll have to take such drastic measures). It's a good thing for me to learn to balance my demands on his time with what time he has available, but it's also good for him to remember to spend time with me while balancing everything else.
We'll find our equilibrium again. I'll find myself needing a bit less time from him and he'll find himself giving me a bit more attention. It's how it works. But this in between state is an odd one.
It's nice for us to have a little bit of time to focus on each other. I think I've been needing a little of that lately. I've got some things for us to talk about and hopefully we'll get some things ironed out and plans will be made.
Ace has promised me the time, and if I have to hide the phone and drag him away from his computer, I know I'll get it (I doubt I'll have to take such drastic measures). It's a good thing for me to learn to balance my demands on his time with what time he has available, but it's also good for him to remember to spend time with me while balancing everything else.
We'll find our equilibrium again. I'll find myself needing a bit less time from him and he'll find himself giving me a bit more attention. It's how it works. But this in between state is an odd one.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 22
All my worry was for no reason. I kind of knew it would be from the start. I like this friend of Ace's. She's now my friend. Hopefully we'll be able to see her again soon and we can all get better acquainted.
My brain is just one that goes about 3 times further than it has to when thinking about stuff like this. I start off with reasonable questions (Will we find something to talk about?) and end up with totally crazy ones (Will she think I'm crazy and evil?).
That's probably the worst thing that happened with my mom's craziness, I over think things to an extreme degree. Every time I start thinking too much, it ends with me thinking that someone is going to hate me, FOREVER, for some minor thing. It's not healthy. It's not fair to anyone who is even minorly reasonable, which is most people.
On the plus side, knowing that this is a problem, I can start working on it. I can work on not assuming the worst case scenario. I can stop predicting the end of my safe world (at least, the one in my head) for every small thing.
I made a new friend. That makes me happy.
My brain is just one that goes about 3 times further than it has to when thinking about stuff like this. I start off with reasonable questions (Will we find something to talk about?) and end up with totally crazy ones (Will she think I'm crazy and evil?).
That's probably the worst thing that happened with my mom's craziness, I over think things to an extreme degree. Every time I start thinking too much, it ends with me thinking that someone is going to hate me, FOREVER, for some minor thing. It's not healthy. It's not fair to anyone who is even minorly reasonable, which is most people.
On the plus side, knowing that this is a problem, I can start working on it. I can work on not assuming the worst case scenario. I can stop predicting the end of my safe world (at least, the one in my head) for every small thing.
I made a new friend. That makes me happy.
Monday, November 21, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 21
Since Thanksgiving is this Thursday, I guess I should be focused on things I'm thankful for. Instead, today I'm focused on an old friend of Ace's from high school (old as in he knew her a long time ago, not old as in she's 80).
They are friends on FaceBook. She posted something recently about an event her daughter had and she invited people to come. Ace told her he couldn't make it due to previous plans. Once she found out it was his prayer night, she asked him to come to church with her (partially so they could catch up).
Yesterday morning, he went to church with her. I stayed home, mostly because of a sore back and desiring some time alone. Ace got home about an hour after the service ended, obviously catching up went well (the church is within a mile of my in-laws house, so I know travel time was practically nothing).
This evening, I will meet this friend. Ace has let me read the conversations they've had just so I know what is going on. He told me some about them visiting. He wants us to be friends with his old friend, something I'm fine with. From the sound of it, she needs a relationship with a guy who just wants to be friends.
Ace doesn't want to keep things secret from me. He would like it if she and I became friends. I'm hoping to make a new friend and get to know more about the past my husband seems to have mostly suppressed. I'm curious about this person who freely invites people to church, something I haven't always seen. I'm curious about what her kids are like (she has 2).
And while I'm curious about her, I wonder if she's curious about me. Did she used to have a crush on Ace and wants to know what kind of woman he married? What if she thinks I'm all wrong for Ace? Would she even care? What if I can't find things to talk to her about? What if I can't stop babbling? What if I make a complete fool of myself? Will any of these thoughts matter?
Obviously, Ace and this friend weren't that close in high school. I'd have met her before now if she was that important to him before. I've known Ace for over 9 years, been married close to 8 and 1/2, and yet my insecurities about meeting people he used to know well still come out. All sorts of stupid what ifs keep popping in my head. I'm over thinking this whole thing. Somehow, I imagine that I'm not the only one over thinking things. But I'm probably the only one awake when I should be sleeping because I'm over thinking things.
Later today I'll meet an old friend of Ace's. I hope everything goes well.
They are friends on FaceBook. She posted something recently about an event her daughter had and she invited people to come. Ace told her he couldn't make it due to previous plans. Once she found out it was his prayer night, she asked him to come to church with her (partially so they could catch up).
Yesterday morning, he went to church with her. I stayed home, mostly because of a sore back and desiring some time alone. Ace got home about an hour after the service ended, obviously catching up went well (the church is within a mile of my in-laws house, so I know travel time was practically nothing).
This evening, I will meet this friend. Ace has let me read the conversations they've had just so I know what is going on. He told me some about them visiting. He wants us to be friends with his old friend, something I'm fine with. From the sound of it, she needs a relationship with a guy who just wants to be friends.
Ace doesn't want to keep things secret from me. He would like it if she and I became friends. I'm hoping to make a new friend and get to know more about the past my husband seems to have mostly suppressed. I'm curious about this person who freely invites people to church, something I haven't always seen. I'm curious about what her kids are like (she has 2).
And while I'm curious about her, I wonder if she's curious about me. Did she used to have a crush on Ace and wants to know what kind of woman he married? What if she thinks I'm all wrong for Ace? Would she even care? What if I can't find things to talk to her about? What if I can't stop babbling? What if I make a complete fool of myself? Will any of these thoughts matter?
Obviously, Ace and this friend weren't that close in high school. I'd have met her before now if she was that important to him before. I've known Ace for over 9 years, been married close to 8 and 1/2, and yet my insecurities about meeting people he used to know well still come out. All sorts of stupid what ifs keep popping in my head. I'm over thinking this whole thing. Somehow, I imagine that I'm not the only one over thinking things. But I'm probably the only one awake when I should be sleeping because I'm over thinking things.
Later today I'll meet an old friend of Ace's. I hope everything goes well.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 20
We are two thirds of the way through the month. In celebration, I bring you this picture.
Thank you for your attention.
Thank you for your attention.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 19
Thanksgiving this year looks to be very different from the last several years. My dad and step-mom have other plans, so I won't be having smoked turkey then. I'm not really sure what the plans will be, but it won't be the same.
My sister was apparently wanting to come for Thanksgiving too. It would have been nice to see her. But there's always Christmas.
On the plus side, for the first time in more years than I'd like to remember, Ace and I will be able to do something more for Christmas than just go visit people. We should be able to buy gifts for my family and maybe give gift cards to Ace's family.
Things are starting to look up. And I'm holding onto that.
My sister was apparently wanting to come for Thanksgiving too. It would have been nice to see her. But there's always Christmas.
On the plus side, for the first time in more years than I'd like to remember, Ace and I will be able to do something more for Christmas than just go visit people. We should be able to buy gifts for my family and maybe give gift cards to Ace's family.
Things are starting to look up. And I'm holding onto that.
Friday, November 18, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 18
or Making Lists
Yesterday seems to have been a day for me to make lists. I made a list for my post. I made a grocery list (granted, it was stuff Ace and I forgot at the store the day before or found out we are almost out of after we got back from the store, but still). But those aren't the important lists that were made yesterday.
Ace and I made a list of what we need to get or have the money for to be able to move out. There are some important things on that list. Things like sheets, towels, pots & pans, and a car.
And then Ace and I made a list of our expected outgo each month. We figured up how much we're likely to need for income to meet our monthly expenses. It's all doable. It's not an outrageous amount. And that list will definitely be adjusted as we get more definite numbers in the future.
But we can see financially where we need to be to get out of here. We can see the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. We make lists like these so that we can remind ourselves that there is hope. We have a brighter future ahead of us.
Yesterday seems to have been a day for me to make lists. I made a list for my post. I made a grocery list (granted, it was stuff Ace and I forgot at the store the day before or found out we are almost out of after we got back from the store, but still). But those aren't the important lists that were made yesterday.
Ace and I made a list of what we need to get or have the money for to be able to move out. There are some important things on that list. Things like sheets, towels, pots & pans, and a car.
And then Ace and I made a list of our expected outgo each month. We figured up how much we're likely to need for income to meet our monthly expenses. It's all doable. It's not an outrageous amount. And that list will definitely be adjusted as we get more definite numbers in the future.
But we can see financially where we need to be to get out of here. We can see the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. We make lists like these so that we can remind ourselves that there is hope. We have a brighter future ahead of us.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 17
or Things I've Learned as a Healer in World of Warcraft that Apply to Real Life
Today's post is going to be a list. Because we haven't had one of those in a while and I'm in the mood for a list.
1. Sometimes you can do everything right and it still goes wrong.
2. You have to take care of yourself too, or things will go wrong much more quickly than you think they will.
3. People appreciate someone who helps them.
4. People will blame you for problems they cause, even if you are trying to help them.
5. It's hard to think clearly when you panic. Staying calm in tense situations is better than freaking out. Things seem to go smoother that way too.
6. You can surprise yourself in what you can accomplish.
7. In some situations the clothes that you wear are important.
8. If you are still standing at the end of the fight, you've done well. If you can go onto to next thing without needing a break, you are doing even better.
9. It's important to communicate with those you are working with. Preferably without yelling at them.
10. When everyone does their parts, things can go smoothly. Enjoy this, because it can be rare.
11. Sometimes things don't work as well with someone different in the group. Sometimes they do.
12. It's okay to be picky about who you work with. The wrong person can keep you from succeeding.
So, yeah. That's the things I have learned from healing in World of Warcraft that I can apply to real life situations.
Today's post is going to be a list. Because we haven't had one of those in a while and I'm in the mood for a list.
1. Sometimes you can do everything right and it still goes wrong.
2. You have to take care of yourself too, or things will go wrong much more quickly than you think they will.
3. People appreciate someone who helps them.
4. People will blame you for problems they cause, even if you are trying to help them.
5. It's hard to think clearly when you panic. Staying calm in tense situations is better than freaking out. Things seem to go smoother that way too.
6. You can surprise yourself in what you can accomplish.
7. In some situations the clothes that you wear are important.
8. If you are still standing at the end of the fight, you've done well. If you can go onto to next thing without needing a break, you are doing even better.
9. It's important to communicate with those you are working with. Preferably without yelling at them.
10. When everyone does their parts, things can go smoothly. Enjoy this, because it can be rare.
11. Sometimes things don't work as well with someone different in the group. Sometimes they do.
12. It's okay to be picky about who you work with. The wrong person can keep you from succeeding.
So, yeah. That's the things I have learned from healing in World of Warcraft that I can apply to real life situations.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 16
What makes a Christian? Can I be called a Christian if I don't live a perfect life? These questions have popped up in my life recently (mostly from quizzes I was taking).
My problem with the idea of not being able to call myself a Christian if I slip in my walk with God is that no one would be able to call themselves a Christian if we hold them to that standard. We all mess up. Even on our best days, the ones we find our Christian walk the easiest, we still are human and can slip.
I don't have every scripture memorized. I doubt I ever will. The Bible is kind of a big book to try to memorize. But I have learned from it. I apply what I've learned to my life. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the easiest way to learn how to do the right thing in a situation is to sometimes do the wrong thing. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to mess up.
I don't always feel bad when I swear. I don't feel guilty because my entire focus is not on Jesus 24/7. I don't always remember to put others first, and because of that I have learned that sometimes you need to stop and take care of yourself. I can't help you feel better if I'm barely able to dress myself today.
I'm not perfect in my Christian walk. I struggle some days. I say the wrong thing entirely too often. I'm too selfish when something stressful is on my mind. I strive to do better after messing up and sometimes I still end up messing up worse. I focus too much on my flaws sometimes and fail to see the things that make me beautiful. I don't always remember to count my blessings.
I am a Christian. God loves me in spite of these things. And that makes me special.
My problem with the idea of not being able to call myself a Christian if I slip in my walk with God is that no one would be able to call themselves a Christian if we hold them to that standard. We all mess up. Even on our best days, the ones we find our Christian walk the easiest, we still are human and can slip.
I don't have every scripture memorized. I doubt I ever will. The Bible is kind of a big book to try to memorize. But I have learned from it. I apply what I've learned to my life. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I have to remind myself that the easiest way to learn how to do the right thing in a situation is to sometimes do the wrong thing. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to mess up.
I don't always feel bad when I swear. I don't feel guilty because my entire focus is not on Jesus 24/7. I don't always remember to put others first, and because of that I have learned that sometimes you need to stop and take care of yourself. I can't help you feel better if I'm barely able to dress myself today.
I'm not perfect in my Christian walk. I struggle some days. I say the wrong thing entirely too often. I'm too selfish when something stressful is on my mind. I strive to do better after messing up and sometimes I still end up messing up worse. I focus too much on my flaws sometimes and fail to see the things that make me beautiful. I don't always remember to count my blessings.
I am a Christian. God loves me in spite of these things. And that makes me special.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 15
Ace and I went out earlier to buy him a new office chair (not for his job, but for our room). His old one had broken (quite badly) and it had to be tossed. The new one is pretty much the same as the old one was, but we only really need it to last about 6 months so that's not a big deal (and the old one lasted over a year before it started having problems).
On the plus side, the chair was on sale and was easy to put together. And now Ace doesn't feel uncomfortable sitting at his desk. And that means he can do his online training in the evenings (provided he's not distracted with other things).
All in all, a great purchase.
On the plus side, the chair was on sale and was easy to put together. And now Ace doesn't feel uncomfortable sitting at his desk. And that means he can do his online training in the evenings (provided he's not distracted with other things).
All in all, a great purchase.
Monday, November 14, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 14
After a good night's sleep (and a few other things), I am feeling much better. My stress levels are back down to their normal levels (too high, but manageable).
All that just in time to feel exhausted by this weeks plans looming on the horizon. Ace starts training for his new job today (oh yeah, Ace has a job). He's hoping to spend most of his evenings this week doing the online portion of the training (he started last week, but the lack of a decent chair thwarted most of his concentration).
So, yeah. Things are busy around here. And it seems like it's only going to get busier before it calms down.
All that just in time to feel exhausted by this weeks plans looming on the horizon. Ace starts training for his new job today (oh yeah, Ace has a job). He's hoping to spend most of his evenings this week doing the online portion of the training (he started last week, but the lack of a decent chair thwarted most of his concentration).
So, yeah. Things are busy around here. And it seems like it's only going to get busier before it calms down.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 13
Or M.A. Smith has been having a crappy week, so here's another spam e-mail
>Hello Friend,
Don't call me friend yet, I don't know if I like you.
>I'm Ralph Brimly Esq. a lawyer here in the Kingdom of Thailand. I know this may
>look surprising to you because we have never met but I found your contact
>particulars from an address journal and have summed up the courage to contact
>you. I apologies for taking a little of your time but be rest assured that you
>will be greatly rewarded if only you will help out.
I am surprised by this e-mail. Mostly because I didn't know Thailand was a kingdom (I hadn't really thought about it, to be honest). What address journal did you get my e-mail address from? Why didn't it have a name to go with it?
>A few days ago, a UN Diplomat official Mr. Wayne B. Robinson arrived in United
>States to deliver two consignment boxes containing the sum of US$18.5 Million
>United States Dollars to my client's "Mrs. Debra Edward" of 1776 N 9th ST., De
>Queen, AR, 71832,USA. Unfortunately all attempts to contact "Mrs. Debra Edward"
>have been unsuccessful Since last week which we later Yesterday found out that
>she Died on few days back based on her cancer problem which she has been
>complaining to me over two years now about her cancer illness and the diplomat
>Mr. Wayne Robinson is completely unaware of the content of the boxes, and the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson is planning to leave the consignment boxes at the
>Airport warehouse with Customs/Homeland security officials to proceed with his
>diplomatic mission abroad. My client "Mrs. Debra Edward" had earlier told the
>Diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson that the consignment boxes contained company
>materials and documents for the security of
>the US$18.5 Million United State
Okay, the address is real, but is probably from someone who these people scammed before. No clue who "Mrs. Debra Edward" is though. What is up with the random capitalization? For the security of the US$18.5 Million United State what?
>Because of this sudden death of My client "Mrs. Debra Edward" and the need for
>your assistance to claim the funds consignment boxes from the diplomat Mr. Wayne
>Robinson in United States right now, I am offering you 35% of the said funds
>amount for your willingness to act as the new recipient/beneficiary to the
>boxes and then help us receive and keep the boxes safe in your care pending on
>when I Barrister Ralph Brimly will arrive United States to meet with you
>immediately after the delivery of the funds consignment boxes to you by the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson.
Where is Mr. Wayne Robinson from? That name seems fairly American or English for an e-mail from Thailand. So, for holding on to these boxes, for apparently a few minutes (they did say immediately), I get 35%? Wow. Why doesn't Barrister Ralph Brimly pick up these boxes from Mr. Wayne Robinson? Wouldn't you get to keep more of the money that way?
>As soon as you respond indicating your interest, I will proceed to inform you
>about the consignment details and on how to esterblish communication with the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson in United States of America,
So, if I wait a year, you can still give me those details? Also, why is the last sentence ended with a comma?
>Please get back to me with your below contact details.
Maybe next year, when things seem less stressful.
>Full Names: Ranchero Casserole Smith
>Full Contact Address: 12345 E. Main St, Omaha, Ne 12345
>Direct Telephone Numbers: 1(555)234-6789
>Age: 905, but I look about 30
>Occupation: Millionaire Playboy
>Nationality: Neptunian (it sure is hot here)
I'm supposed to have more than one full name? (Did you like my silly answers?)
>I will furnish you with more detail of the diplomat and the consignment funds
>boxes details which will be kept confidential to yourself alone.
But I want to share the details with everyone. Darn, does this mean I can't get the 35%?
>Sincerely,
Mistaken for caring,
>Ralph Brimly Esq.
M.A. Smith a.k.a. Ranchero Casserole Smith (for this e-mail only)
Um... Isn't Ralph Brimly the one who is supposed to be getting the boxes from me? Now I'm just all manner of confused about this e-mail.
>Hello Friend,
Don't call me friend yet, I don't know if I like you.
>I'm Ralph Brimly Esq. a lawyer here in the Kingdom of Thailand. I know this may
>look surprising to you because we have never met but I found your contact
>particulars from an address journal and have summed up the courage to contact
>you. I apologies for taking a little of your time but be rest assured that you
>will be greatly rewarded if only you will help out.
I am surprised by this e-mail. Mostly because I didn't know Thailand was a kingdom (I hadn't really thought about it, to be honest). What address journal did you get my e-mail address from? Why didn't it have a name to go with it?
>A few days ago, a UN Diplomat official Mr. Wayne B. Robinson arrived in United
>States to deliver two consignment boxes containing the sum of US$18.5 Million
>United States Dollars to my client's "Mrs. Debra Edward" of 1776 N 9th ST., De
>Queen, AR, 71832,USA. Unfortunately all attempts to contact "Mrs. Debra Edward"
>have been unsuccessful Since last week which we later Yesterday found out that
>she Died on few days back based on her cancer problem which she has been
>complaining to me over two years now about her cancer illness and the diplomat
>Mr. Wayne Robinson is completely unaware of the content of the boxes, and the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson is planning to leave the consignment boxes at the
>Airport warehouse with Customs/Homeland security officials to proceed with his
>diplomatic mission abroad. My client "Mrs. Debra Edward" had earlier told the
>Diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson that the consignment boxes contained company
>materials and documents for the security of
>the US$18.5 Million United State
Okay, the address is real, but is probably from someone who these people scammed before. No clue who "Mrs. Debra Edward" is though. What is up with the random capitalization? For the security of the US$18.5 Million United State what?
>Because of this sudden death of My client "Mrs. Debra Edward" and the need for
>your assistance to claim the funds consignment boxes from the diplomat Mr. Wayne
>Robinson in United States right now, I am offering you 35% of the said funds
>amount for your willingness to act as the new recipient/beneficiary to the
>boxes and then help us receive and keep the boxes safe in your care pending on
>when I Barrister Ralph Brimly will arrive United States to meet with you
>immediately after the delivery of the funds consignment boxes to you by the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson.
Where is Mr. Wayne Robinson from? That name seems fairly American or English for an e-mail from Thailand. So, for holding on to these boxes, for apparently a few minutes (they did say immediately), I get 35%? Wow. Why doesn't Barrister Ralph Brimly pick up these boxes from Mr. Wayne Robinson? Wouldn't you get to keep more of the money that way?
>As soon as you respond indicating your interest, I will proceed to inform you
>about the consignment details and on how to esterblish communication with the
>diplomat Mr. Wayne Robinson in United States of America,
So, if I wait a year, you can still give me those details? Also, why is the last sentence ended with a comma?
>Please get back to me with your below contact details.
Maybe next year, when things seem less stressful.
>Full Names: Ranchero Casserole Smith
>Full Contact Address: 12345 E. Main St, Omaha, Ne 12345
>Direct Telephone Numbers: 1(555)234-6789
>Age: 905, but I look about 30
>Occupation: Millionaire Playboy
>Nationality: Neptunian (it sure is hot here)
I'm supposed to have more than one full name? (Did you like my silly answers?)
>I will furnish you with more detail of the diplomat and the consignment funds
>boxes details which will be kept confidential to yourself alone.
But I want to share the details with everyone. Darn, does this mean I can't get the 35%?
>Sincerely,
Mistaken for caring,
>Ralph Brimly Esq.
M.A. Smith a.k.a. Ranchero Casserole Smith (for this e-mail only)
Um... Isn't Ralph Brimly the one who is supposed to be getting the boxes from me? Now I'm just all manner of confused about this e-mail.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 12
There are some things that once you see you can't unsee. I really don't want to talk about what I wish I could unsee, but I thought I'd put that thought out there.
Sometimes, people need to be more careful about who can see over their shoulder before they look at stuff.
Yeah, I'm gonna go try to erase a memory now.
Sometimes, people need to be more careful about who can see over their shoulder before they look at stuff.
Yeah, I'm gonna go try to erase a memory now.
Friday, November 11, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 11
After my post yesterday, I'm numb. I'm not hurting like I thought I might be, which is good. Instead I am numb.
And so very exhausted.
No matter how much sleep I get lately (which has been about 8 or 9 hours at a stretch), I'm still tired. I doubt my body is really this tired. Life has just been amazingly stressful and tiring the past few months.
Maybe tomorrow I'll have something better to say.
Today, I think I'm going to get some rest.
And so very exhausted.
No matter how much sleep I get lately (which has been about 8 or 9 hours at a stretch), I'm still tired. I doubt my body is really this tired. Life has just been amazingly stressful and tiring the past few months.
Maybe tomorrow I'll have something better to say.
Today, I think I'm going to get some rest.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 10
Normally, when I get on here I know what I'm going to write about. Normally, I haven't made a commitment to write every day for 30 days.
That said, I want to talk about my mother. I don't normally. The subject of my mother is too sensitive and private. Or more so, the subject of my mother normally seems to cause me to over-think things and dwell and end up depressed.
Seeing as I've already been skating close to depression, and I've still got two library books guaranteed to make me laugh just waiting for me to read them, I think I'll talk about my mother anyway.
My mother is, at least in my opinion, a mess. She has had a bad tendency to move around the suburb she lives in far more often than really seems healthy (4 times in as many years that I can think of off the top of my head). She also doesn't go through everything before she moves it, it just gets boxed up and moved (usually because she's moving in somewhat of a hurry over a weekend).
She has problems expressing any positive sentiments to her children, even her obvious favorite. Instead, we've all been mentally pushed down in an effort for her to prop up her own self-esteem. It's left us all with doubts as to our worth or our readiness to do anything. And the few times there have been positive things, end up feeling like a carrot dangled before a mule to make it continue to move.
It's not that I hate my mother, despite what she might think. On the contrary, I love her a lot. But I refuse to be around her when it will just wind up with me feeling hurt again. I deserve better than that, even if it took me a while to get to that place mentally.
I've learned many things from my mother, most of them what not to do to my own children. Not all the things I've learned are helpful with anyone besides her either. Not having her in my life has been good, especially while dealing with other hard times. I don't need one more person added to the chorus that is saying that Ace and I messed up. I've had more peace, even with my frustrations, knowing that my mother wasn't going to dump a ton of stuff on me on a regular basis.
I don't think my mother is evil, but I do know that I am still too broken to try to have any kind of relationship with her. My dreams bear this out. I recently had a dream where I asked her if she knew what no contact meant. I'm obviously still somewhat upset about my brother's graduation (for more than reason, but I'm not talking about the car dying, I'm talking about my mother).
As much as I'd like to think that I'm past my past and all the stuff with my mother, I often find that I'm still just as hung up about things as I ever was. Despite her voice no longer being in my head, hounding me with her opinions on my life, I still have the scars and the broken bits as evidence of her still affecting my life. I don't know how long it will take to feel like I'm not broken, if I ever will. Things that seem unrelated trigger old insecurities and make me feel just as broken as I ever was.
I know that when I have kids, there will be no way for me to avoid messing up. My only real hope is that when I mess up, it won't have nearly the lasting impact on them as my mom has had on me.
That said, I want to talk about my mother. I don't normally. The subject of my mother is too sensitive and private. Or more so, the subject of my mother normally seems to cause me to over-think things and dwell and end up depressed.
Seeing as I've already been skating close to depression, and I've still got two library books guaranteed to make me laugh just waiting for me to read them, I think I'll talk about my mother anyway.
My mother is, at least in my opinion, a mess. She has had a bad tendency to move around the suburb she lives in far more often than really seems healthy (4 times in as many years that I can think of off the top of my head). She also doesn't go through everything before she moves it, it just gets boxed up and moved (usually because she's moving in somewhat of a hurry over a weekend).
She has problems expressing any positive sentiments to her children, even her obvious favorite. Instead, we've all been mentally pushed down in an effort for her to prop up her own self-esteem. It's left us all with doubts as to our worth or our readiness to do anything. And the few times there have been positive things, end up feeling like a carrot dangled before a mule to make it continue to move.
It's not that I hate my mother, despite what she might think. On the contrary, I love her a lot. But I refuse to be around her when it will just wind up with me feeling hurt again. I deserve better than that, even if it took me a while to get to that place mentally.
I've learned many things from my mother, most of them what not to do to my own children. Not all the things I've learned are helpful with anyone besides her either. Not having her in my life has been good, especially while dealing with other hard times. I don't need one more person added to the chorus that is saying that Ace and I messed up. I've had more peace, even with my frustrations, knowing that my mother wasn't going to dump a ton of stuff on me on a regular basis.
I don't think my mother is evil, but I do know that I am still too broken to try to have any kind of relationship with her. My dreams bear this out. I recently had a dream where I asked her if she knew what no contact meant. I'm obviously still somewhat upset about my brother's graduation (for more than reason, but I'm not talking about the car dying, I'm talking about my mother).
As much as I'd like to think that I'm past my past and all the stuff with my mother, I often find that I'm still just as hung up about things as I ever was. Despite her voice no longer being in my head, hounding me with her opinions on my life, I still have the scars and the broken bits as evidence of her still affecting my life. I don't know how long it will take to feel like I'm not broken, if I ever will. Things that seem unrelated trigger old insecurities and make me feel just as broken as I ever was.
I know that when I have kids, there will be no way for me to avoid messing up. My only real hope is that when I mess up, it won't have nearly the lasting impact on them as my mom has had on me.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 9
Dear world,
I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people I'm dealing with lately. Even when there aren't that many people, it's overwhelming.
I think I need to take a day off from dealing with people other than Ace.
See you on Thursday.
M.A. Smith
P.S.: I think I'll spend some time reading library books. At least I know the people in them aren't real. Terry Pratchett, take me away!
P.P.S.: Maybe I'll feel better after a day away from most people. That'd be nice.
I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people I'm dealing with lately. Even when there aren't that many people, it's overwhelming.
I think I need to take a day off from dealing with people other than Ace.
See you on Thursday.
M.A. Smith
P.S.: I think I'll spend some time reading library books. At least I know the people in them aren't real. Terry Pratchett, take me away!
P.P.S.: Maybe I'll feel better after a day away from most people. That'd be nice.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 8
Dear Terry Pratchett,
I love your Discworld novels. They make me laugh and I find it hard to put them down until I've finished them. I am looking forward to reading the whole series.
You inspire me as a writer. I want to write my books in such a way as to draw readers in. I hope my books are as interesting.
Thank you for writing.
Love,
M.A. Smith
I love your Discworld novels. They make me laugh and I find it hard to put them down until I've finished them. I am looking forward to reading the whole series.
You inspire me as a writer. I want to write my books in such a way as to draw readers in. I hope my books are as interesting.
Thank you for writing.
Love,
M.A. Smith
Monday, November 7, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 7
Sometimes, no matter how good a mood I am in, some part of me wants to cry. To feel the sadness of someone else. To give into depression some, for a little bit.
It's tempting. So tempting to stop fighting and just sink down into feeling upset and just lay around. To not fight it off anymore.
It's tiring, fighting off depression. Fighting to hold onto hope that tomorrow will be better, that this month will have better news, that the next phone call will be the positive change that I've been waiting on.
I'm not giving up, but I'm tired. I'm so very tired in ways that aren't truly physical, despite my body's claims otherwise. I'm tired of my emotions spinning out my control. I'm tired of trying to control them.
I'm tired of hurting inside for no real reason. I'm tired of the pain and the emotional aches that turn into physical ones because my body doesn't know how else to deal with them.
I'm tired of being tired.
It's tempting. So tempting to stop fighting and just sink down into feeling upset and just lay around. To not fight it off anymore.
It's tiring, fighting off depression. Fighting to hold onto hope that tomorrow will be better, that this month will have better news, that the next phone call will be the positive change that I've been waiting on.
I'm not giving up, but I'm tired. I'm so very tired in ways that aren't truly physical, despite my body's claims otherwise. I'm tired of my emotions spinning out my control. I'm tired of trying to control them.
I'm tired of hurting inside for no real reason. I'm tired of the pain and the emotional aches that turn into physical ones because my body doesn't know how else to deal with them.
I'm tired of being tired.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 6
or Ahh! Things Have Gone Crazy
Um, yeah. It's been slightly hard to stay calm over here lately. The past two nights, we've had earthquakes in Oklahoma. Noticeable ones.
Friday night, while my father-in-law was at work and my mother-in-law was in bed, Ace and I were relaxing. We were talking about possibly getting romantic, and I was changing some clothes, when suddenly the walls started shaking. At first, I thought someone was trying to open the door to our bedroom (with the door locked). Ace thought there may have been someone on the roof. Turns out, it was a 4.7 earthquake elsewhere in Oklahoma.
Last night, shortly before 11 p.m., the ground shook and the walls shook. There was no confusing it, Oklahoma was having another earthquake. What was originally said to be a 5.2 was upgraded to a 5.6 earthquake. It was felt in parts of Texas, Kansas, Missouri, and Arkansas in addition to Oklahoma.
I've been trying to calm myself some. I've only known that Oklahoma has earthquakes for a few years now and after experiencing 2 in 2 days, I'm a little freaked out about it. I'd rather go back to only having to wonder about tornadoes, they are bad enough.
So, yeah. Earthquakes in Oklahoma. What is proper procedure for earthquakes?
Um, yeah. It's been slightly hard to stay calm over here lately. The past two nights, we've had earthquakes in Oklahoma. Noticeable ones.
Friday night, while my father-in-law was at work and my mother-in-law was in bed, Ace and I were relaxing. We were talking about possibly getting romantic, and I was changing some clothes, when suddenly the walls started shaking. At first, I thought someone was trying to open the door to our bedroom (with the door locked). Ace thought there may have been someone on the roof. Turns out, it was a 4.7 earthquake elsewhere in Oklahoma.
Last night, shortly before 11 p.m., the ground shook and the walls shook. There was no confusing it, Oklahoma was having another earthquake. What was originally said to be a 5.2 was upgraded to a 5.6 earthquake. It was felt in parts of Texas, Kansas, Missouri, and Arkansas in addition to Oklahoma.
I've been trying to calm myself some. I've only known that Oklahoma has earthquakes for a few years now and after experiencing 2 in 2 days, I'm a little freaked out about it. I'd rather go back to only having to wonder about tornadoes, they are bad enough.
So, yeah. Earthquakes in Oklahoma. What is proper procedure for earthquakes?
Saturday, November 5, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 5
or What Makes a Family Anyway?
The main book I wanted to pick up from the library Wednesday was a book called One Big Happy Family. It's a book with essays by various writers about different types of families you can find in these times. It's been interesting, and it's had me thinking.
What makes a family? Is it blood? Is it experiences? Is it living under one roof? Or is it love?
The common theme in the essays I've read so far has been one of love. The love of a husband and wife. The love of a parent for a child. The type of love that surpasses cultural challenges and societal norms for the areas they live in. The type of love that puts someone else's needs over their own.
The essay that has stuck with me the most, so far, has been one by a woman who is (or was) trying to figure out what her relationship with her son's nanny is now that some life changes demand that they are redefining things. Are they friends? Are they family?
How do we define family? How does someone go from stranger to friend to family member? I don't have answers to those questions, despite having it happen. In the absence of my extended family on my mom's side, I sort of made my own extended family. And yet, I can't say how these people, who mean a lot to me and feel like important bits of my family, came to be in that place.
Ace and I have been talking about various things that made me want to read about different types of families. It's probably a good thing. It makes me think, it makes me grow. And yet, it leaves me with questions.
How do we decide what makes a family?
The main book I wanted to pick up from the library Wednesday was a book called One Big Happy Family. It's a book with essays by various writers about different types of families you can find in these times. It's been interesting, and it's had me thinking.
What makes a family? Is it blood? Is it experiences? Is it living under one roof? Or is it love?
The common theme in the essays I've read so far has been one of love. The love of a husband and wife. The love of a parent for a child. The type of love that surpasses cultural challenges and societal norms for the areas they live in. The type of love that puts someone else's needs over their own.
The essay that has stuck with me the most, so far, has been one by a woman who is (or was) trying to figure out what her relationship with her son's nanny is now that some life changes demand that they are redefining things. Are they friends? Are they family?
How do we define family? How does someone go from stranger to friend to family member? I don't have answers to those questions, despite having it happen. In the absence of my extended family on my mom's side, I sort of made my own extended family. And yet, I can't say how these people, who mean a lot to me and feel like important bits of my family, came to be in that place.
Ace and I have been talking about various things that made me want to read about different types of families. It's probably a good thing. It makes me think, it makes me grow. And yet, it leaves me with questions.
How do we decide what makes a family?
Friday, November 4, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 4
I Am a "Bad Woman"
Catherine of Her Bad Mother wrote The Bad Mother Manifesto
in June of 2009. It is well worth a read and should be read to understand the rest of my post. Really, my post will wait for you.
Catherine neatly covers the problems moms face based on this illusive, faceless perfect mom. I have a different person haunting me. It's the perfect woman. I'm not sure if she's just in my head, but she does haunt me. If only I were less lazy or less sore, maybe I'd be more stylish or have a paying job or just be able to do my entire mental list of everyday household chores.
The problem with this perfect woman is that no matter how I change I still won't be perfect. If I am a perfect housewife, keep my kitchen stocked, floors clean enough to eat off of, and my laundry not only never gets wrinkled by sitting too long in the dryer but is ironed just to make sure it looks perfect, there would still be the lingering wonder if I should also somehow be earning a paycheck and enriching my household that way.
I blame the feminist movement for this mythical perfect woman that haunts me. It's not that I think the feminists were trying to do anything harmful to women. On the contrary, they were trying to make their lives better. Unfortunately, my whole life it has felt like whatever choice I make in life, it's the wrong one.
If I choose to be a housewife (which I did), I can mentally hear people asking why I wasted my time going to college to work on a degree that I am not using. I can hear them asking what value I have to society, being a housewife. If I choose to work, I know that my house will start to look like a tornado hit it because there isn't enough hours in the day to keep it looking neat and clean while working (I've seen it happen). And shouldn't I be ashamed that I can't work so many hours and still stay on top of laundry and dishes, which were the only chores I seemed to handle keeping up as a housewife?
If I choose to have children, I wonder if I should bring more people into this crowded world. If I choose not to have children, I wonder if I'm missing something vital. If I have problems getting pregnant, I wonder if there is something wrong with my body or my choice of husband because I'm not pregnant. If I find that I'm infertile, I'm sure that specter of a perfect woman will haunt me even more. Surely she would handle infertility better and calmer than I would. She wouldn't wonder which things to try or if she can bear it. She wouldn't break down and cry in frustration over having problems. If I choose to adopt, I'm sure I would wonder if I could ever live up whatever I think my child's birth mother would be like or would do.
This perfect woman, the ever changing, illusive being, haunts my mind. I am not perfect. I never have and never will claim to be. And all these questions from these random nosy people, even if they only exist in my mind, they don't ever want to shut up. So, I stop trying to please them.
Instead, I talk with Ace and find out what he wants me to do. While his list of ideal chores I'd get done weekly is much longer than what I actually do accomplish when I have a house to keep, he doesn't complain that it's not enough. He understands that I have limits. He'd rather I not push myself past the point of hurting.
I have to get to the point where I accept that this perfect woman and I will never be the same. I am not going to try to be flawless. My house won't look like I'm devoted to following Martha Stewart's ideas of how a home should look.
And you know what, I think I'm okay with that.
Call me what you will on a scale of good to bad. I'm going to make sure Ace knows that I love him. I'll make sure we have clean clothes, even if they don't make it into the dresser before being worn again. And when we have kids, I'll make sure they know they are more important than how the house looks or getting chores done. And if that eventually makes me a bad mother, that's okay too. My kids will survive.
Catherine of Her Bad Mother wrote The Bad Mother Manifesto
in June of 2009. It is well worth a read and should be read to understand the rest of my post. Really, my post will wait for you.
Catherine neatly covers the problems moms face based on this illusive, faceless perfect mom. I have a different person haunting me. It's the perfect woman. I'm not sure if she's just in my head, but she does haunt me. If only I were less lazy or less sore, maybe I'd be more stylish or have a paying job or just be able to do my entire mental list of everyday household chores.
The problem with this perfect woman is that no matter how I change I still won't be perfect. If I am a perfect housewife, keep my kitchen stocked, floors clean enough to eat off of, and my laundry not only never gets wrinkled by sitting too long in the dryer but is ironed just to make sure it looks perfect, there would still be the lingering wonder if I should also somehow be earning a paycheck and enriching my household that way.
I blame the feminist movement for this mythical perfect woman that haunts me. It's not that I think the feminists were trying to do anything harmful to women. On the contrary, they were trying to make their lives better. Unfortunately, my whole life it has felt like whatever choice I make in life, it's the wrong one.
If I choose to be a housewife (which I did), I can mentally hear people asking why I wasted my time going to college to work on a degree that I am not using. I can hear them asking what value I have to society, being a housewife. If I choose to work, I know that my house will start to look like a tornado hit it because there isn't enough hours in the day to keep it looking neat and clean while working (I've seen it happen). And shouldn't I be ashamed that I can't work so many hours and still stay on top of laundry and dishes, which were the only chores I seemed to handle keeping up as a housewife?
If I choose to have children, I wonder if I should bring more people into this crowded world. If I choose not to have children, I wonder if I'm missing something vital. If I have problems getting pregnant, I wonder if there is something wrong with my body or my choice of husband because I'm not pregnant. If I find that I'm infertile, I'm sure that specter of a perfect woman will haunt me even more. Surely she would handle infertility better and calmer than I would. She wouldn't wonder which things to try or if she can bear it. She wouldn't break down and cry in frustration over having problems. If I choose to adopt, I'm sure I would wonder if I could ever live up whatever I think my child's birth mother would be like or would do.
This perfect woman, the ever changing, illusive being, haunts my mind. I am not perfect. I never have and never will claim to be. And all these questions from these random nosy people, even if they only exist in my mind, they don't ever want to shut up. So, I stop trying to please them.
Instead, I talk with Ace and find out what he wants me to do. While his list of ideal chores I'd get done weekly is much longer than what I actually do accomplish when I have a house to keep, he doesn't complain that it's not enough. He understands that I have limits. He'd rather I not push myself past the point of hurting.
I have to get to the point where I accept that this perfect woman and I will never be the same. I am not going to try to be flawless. My house won't look like I'm devoted to following Martha Stewart's ideas of how a home should look.
And you know what, I think I'm okay with that.
Call me what you will on a scale of good to bad. I'm going to make sure Ace knows that I love him. I'll make sure we have clean clothes, even if they don't make it into the dresser before being worn again. And when we have kids, I'll make sure they know they are more important than how the house looks or getting chores done. And if that eventually makes me a bad mother, that's okay too. My kids will survive.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 3
Lately, although I haven't been talking about it here, I've been a bundle of nerves and insecurity. There's been a couple of reasons and at least one of them has been fully removed.
The other reason I've been nervous and insecure isn't going to go away nearly as quickly. D and I have been talking about things that have triggered some of the stuff that my mother broke about me. And I guess it's time to fully fix those bits and pieces that are broken.
I'm doing better now. This week hasn't seemed quite as "bad" as the past few weeks. I'm adjusting and working on the problem.
But the reminder that I'm still so broken was a bit shocking. I thought I was doing better than that. But I now know that I'm stronger, even in my broken parts, than I thought I was. I have seen warning signs of depression, but I staved it off each time before it hit. I'm doing better, even while having bad days.
I may never fully feel like I'm not broken, but at least I'm not feeling like it's impossible to fix the broken pieces.
The other reason I've been nervous and insecure isn't going to go away nearly as quickly. D and I have been talking about things that have triggered some of the stuff that my mother broke about me. And I guess it's time to fully fix those bits and pieces that are broken.
I'm doing better now. This week hasn't seemed quite as "bad" as the past few weeks. I'm adjusting and working on the problem.
But the reminder that I'm still so broken was a bit shocking. I thought I was doing better than that. But I now know that I'm stronger, even in my broken parts, than I thought I was. I have seen warning signs of depression, but I staved it off each time before it hit. I'm doing better, even while having bad days.
I may never fully feel like I'm not broken, but at least I'm not feeling like it's impossible to fix the broken pieces.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 2
Or The Return of Bad Spam
>From: OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
No clue if this is a legitimate e-mail address.
>To: redacted e-mail address
Not the e-mail address connected to this blog, so it stays private.
>Sent: Sat, Sep 24, 2011 12:06 am
>Subject: Flag this message FLAG URGENT REPORT FROM U.S GOVERNMENT:VIEW >LINK:http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
I know nothing about this link, so you probably shouldn't click it.
>ATTN:" CONCERNED [CITIZEN]
But am I really a concerned citizen if citizen is put in special marks?
>OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
As opposed to the office of Kenya's president Barack Obama? Or do they just want to make sure I know which US president it is?
>Head office: The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500
Ooh, they looked up The White House's address. Fancy.
>Email: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net.
Yeah, I'm sure they president uses a netzero account for his email. The government was too cheap to give him an official government one, right?
> CONFIRMATION OF FUNDS TRANSFER
Wait, the US president wants to give me money? Let's hear him out.
>Attn. AUTHORITY TO GRANT RELEASE OF FUNDS
Yes, release the funds to me!
>After a Seven (7) days intensive board meeting on your behalf by the Internal
>board of trustees of the (G.C.F.R) President Of the Federal Republic Of Nigeria
>in person Dr. Good Luck Jonathan Ebere Also in conjunction with The president of
>United states of America in person of Barack Obama as we both have agreed to
>help you instruct all concerned dignitaries in custody of your Inheritance
>Beneficiary funds/compensation funds also your contract sum here Nigerian AND
>any other Governmental body in United states of America also all over the rest
>world at large that upon the presentation of this letter document they will
>immediately release with immediate effect your impounded / seized funds as a
>result of negligence on your part in the past.
Goodluck (all one word) Jonathan (and no Ebere, something to keep in mind) is the current president of Nigeria. But why would either Goodluck Jonathan or President Obama meet on my behalf? Shouldn't States be capitalized in United States of America? What inheritance benefits would I, a white woman in the US, have in Nigeria? Why would inheritance and beneficiary be capitalized? What rights to the presidents of Nigeria and the USA have over the rest of the world that this e-mail would make the world's governments make my life easier in this matter? Are they blackmailing the world? What negligence have I committed?
>The only advice I have for you is that you try and present this paper document
>to those authorities in custody of your funds also on before you provide this
>Guarantee paper to any authority, There is a great need for you to seek adequate
>advice with us by contacting United States Secret Service Agent In PERSON OF
>JOHN KIRK WOOD USSS/ CIA SPECIAL AGENT VIA :[ intelligencecommunity3@gmail.com
>] so that you may well be appropriately educated about the due process of law.
Because the CIA and the Secret Service share agents now? And the government is too cheap to give either agency their own e-mail system so they have to use gmail? Shouldn't I be consulting an attorney to find out about due process of law (and isn't that used in criminal cases)?
>It is also on this issue that the Two of us have embarked on several
>international visits to different countries, trying to reconcile the face of our
>nation with our foreign investor nations Based on the out come of the meeting,
>it was observed that the problem that has hindered your is payment is as a
>result negligence on your side. Your problem is no problem if only you would
>comply also all you have to do is to make sure that you carry out the orders as
>directed by the two us so that you in turn get a positive result without no
>further delays.
So, to not have delays in receiving an inheritance I knew nothing about I have to follow the advice in this e-mail? And somehow, me not doing anything to get an inheritance I just found out about has been negligence? And it's harmed the US's reputation with foreign investor nations? Me leaving money I supposedly have a right to alone is causing problems?
>Note that failure to correspond to instruction will hinder all that you have
>ever worked for, so it is best you comply with the officer in charge as directed
>so that you will be helped. I must congratulate you once more that you have
>shown authenticity as one of the beneficiary that is ever willing to receive his
>fund, with out any further delay; Our office supersedes all other offices
>related because our word is our bond also because your fund is currently under
>insurance, henceforth, We both assure you our Guarantee as you can see clearly
>within the content of this document that we have both agreed to help bridge the
>long gap between you and any legal authority in custody of your funds in
>accordance with the law .We swear before you that you will be paid in due time.
>Further more, your funds is safe in the hands of your assigned officer in
>respect of Special Agent John Kirkwood , all you have to do is to keep security
>in check with the officer at all times so that you get
>paid without much delay. Do not dispose the useful information�s received
>through us to any individual without proper identification from such individual.
Failure to respond will hinder my lack of doing anything prior to this point? Or do you mean you will somehow retroactively go in and mess my house up in the past? But I'm authentically showing my willingness to get money I didn't know about? I should trust that you have authority, because you say you do? If my funds are (sorry, is) in the hands of Agent Kirkwood, why wouldn't he be authorized to just bring me a check? I have ID (although, I don't have ID that just says citizen on it). Is Agent Kirkwood going to give me his phone number, so I can check in with him all the time? And I should be checking IDs of everyone? Mr. President, can I see your ID to know that you are who you claim you are?
>Finally, you are to call or mail the officer in charge so that he be able to
>instruct you what to do, as we both have instructed, so shall you do. Endeavor
>to keep off crime by reporting unsolicited emails regarding fake offices. Your
>payment is released immediately you get in touch with the officer as directed.
You didn't give me a number to call Agent Kirkwood, so I guess I'll have to send him an e-mail. Is he prompt to respond? Will he show me ID? You want me to stop crime by reporting unsolicited e-mails such as this one? Talk about your mixed messages! You talked about a wait, then you say he'll give me the money immediately. Mr. President, which is it?
>Try to ensure safety by respecting the power of this very office and the law as
>stipulated.
I do respect the power of the office of President, but I'm beginning to doubt this is from my president. He has yet to show me any ID.
>Further comments should be directed to the very office of the personal secretary
>to the office of the United States president .via: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net
Oh, they won't give the personal secretary of the President his or her own e-mail address. The government must be trying to crack down on excess spending (yeah, right).
>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/ group/main/main/id/00011272. html
Still don't know what this link is about. Still don't trust it.
>Good Luck
Where's your ID?
>Signed and duly stamped by
Ooh, where?
>PRESIDENT G.C.F.R DR GOOD LUCK JONATHAN FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.
According to Wikipedia, Goodluck is all one word. Show me some ID so I know it's not.
>PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BARACK OBAMA
Where is your signature Mr. President? And your ID, so I can compare the two.
>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
They really like this link.
>Your wish is our concern.
I wish for all my debts to be paid and to have a nice house and a couple of nice cars and enough money for Ace to never have to work again. Oh, and I'd like to have kids. Get back to me on those.
>Sincerely yours
Gee, thanks!
>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
She stopped being President Obama's secretary in June of this year. Why is she still sending out e-mails in September?
>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Not anymore. At least, not that I can tell. Don't know who is his secretary now, but it's not Ms. Johnson.
>Please do view link below.
Please don't.
>http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
Again with this link?
>Your wish is our concern.
Okay, this time I want a pony.
>Sincerely yours
Cordially sounds nicer at this point.
>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
Didn't we cover this already?
>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Yes, these last lines were in the e-mail twice.
So, yeah. Not going to follow up on this. It's over a month old anyway. It's not that hard to figure out it's spam mail, but making it supposedly come from the President of the US made it feel a bit more unique (at least it wasn't from the head of the FBI again).
Hopefully I'll get something else in my spam folder that looks fun to pull apart soon.
>From: OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
No clue if this is a legitimate e-mail address.
>To: redacted e-mail address
Not the e-mail address connected to this blog, so it stays private.
>Sent: Sat, Sep 24, 2011 12:06 am
>Subject: Flag this message FLAG URGENT REPORT FROM U.S GOVERNMENT:VIEW >LINK:http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
I know nothing about this link, so you probably shouldn't click it.
>ATTN:" CONCERNED [CITIZEN]
But am I really a concerned citizen if citizen is put in special marks?
>OFFICE OF THE UNITED STATES PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
As opposed to the office of Kenya's president Barack Obama? Or do they just want to make sure I know which US president it is?
>Head office: The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500
Ooh, they looked up The White House's address. Fancy.
>Email: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net.
Yeah, I'm sure they president uses a netzero account for his email. The government was too cheap to give him an official government one, right?
> CONFIRMATION OF FUNDS TRANSFER
Wait, the US president wants to give me money? Let's hear him out.
>Attn. AUTHORITY TO GRANT RELEASE OF FUNDS
Yes, release the funds to me!
>After a Seven (7) days intensive board meeting on your behalf by the Internal
>board of trustees of the (G.C.F.R) President Of the Federal Republic Of Nigeria
>in person Dr. Good Luck Jonathan Ebere Also in conjunction with The president of
>United states of America in person of Barack Obama as we both have agreed to
>help you instruct all concerned dignitaries in custody of your Inheritance
>Beneficiary funds/compensation funds also your contract sum here Nigerian AND
>any other Governmental body in United states of America also all over the rest
>world at large that upon the presentation of this letter document they will
>immediately release with immediate effect your impounded / seized funds as a
>result of negligence on your part in the past.
Goodluck (all one word) Jonathan (and no Ebere, something to keep in mind) is the current president of Nigeria. But why would either Goodluck Jonathan or President Obama meet on my behalf? Shouldn't States be capitalized in United States of America? What inheritance benefits would I, a white woman in the US, have in Nigeria? Why would inheritance and beneficiary be capitalized? What rights to the presidents of Nigeria and the USA have over the rest of the world that this e-mail would make the world's governments make my life easier in this matter? Are they blackmailing the world? What negligence have I committed?
>The only advice I have for you is that you try and present this paper document
>to those authorities in custody of your funds also on before you provide this
>Guarantee paper to any authority, There is a great need for you to seek adequate
>advice with us by contacting United States Secret Service Agent In PERSON OF
>JOHN KIRK WOOD USSS/ CIA SPECIAL AGENT VIA :[ intelligencecommunity3@gmail.com
>] so that you may well be appropriately educated about the due process of law.
Because the CIA and the Secret Service share agents now? And the government is too cheap to give either agency their own e-mail system so they have to use gmail? Shouldn't I be consulting an attorney to find out about due process of law (and isn't that used in criminal cases)?
>It is also on this issue that the Two of us have embarked on several
>international visits to different countries, trying to reconcile the face of our
>nation with our foreign investor nations Based on the out come of the meeting,
>it was observed that the problem that has hindered your is payment is as a
>result negligence on your side. Your problem is no problem if only you would
>comply also all you have to do is to make sure that you carry out the orders as
>directed by the two us so that you in turn get a positive result without no
>further delays.
So, to not have delays in receiving an inheritance I knew nothing about I have to follow the advice in this e-mail? And somehow, me not doing anything to get an inheritance I just found out about has been negligence? And it's harmed the US's reputation with foreign investor nations? Me leaving money I supposedly have a right to alone is causing problems?
>Note that failure to correspond to instruction will hinder all that you have
>ever worked for, so it is best you comply with the officer in charge as directed
>so that you will be helped. I must congratulate you once more that you have
>shown authenticity as one of the beneficiary that is ever willing to receive his
>fund, with out any further delay; Our office supersedes all other offices
>related because our word is our bond also because your fund is currently under
>insurance, henceforth, We both assure you our Guarantee as you can see clearly
>within the content of this document that we have both agreed to help bridge the
>long gap between you and any legal authority in custody of your funds in
>accordance with the law .We swear before you that you will be paid in due time.
>Further more, your funds is safe in the hands of your assigned officer in
>respect of Special Agent John Kirkwood , all you have to do is to keep security
>in check with the officer at all times so that you get
>paid without much delay. Do not dispose the useful information�s received
>through us to any individual without proper identification from such individual.
Failure to respond will hinder my lack of doing anything prior to this point? Or do you mean you will somehow retroactively go in and mess my house up in the past? But I'm authentically showing my willingness to get money I didn't know about? I should trust that you have authority, because you say you do? If my funds are (sorry, is) in the hands of Agent Kirkwood, why wouldn't he be authorized to just bring me a check? I have ID (although, I don't have ID that just says citizen on it). Is Agent Kirkwood going to give me his phone number, so I can check in with him all the time? And I should be checking IDs of everyone? Mr. President, can I see your ID to know that you are who you claim you are?
>Finally, you are to call or mail the officer in charge so that he be able to
>instruct you what to do, as we both have instructed, so shall you do. Endeavor
>to keep off crime by reporting unsolicited emails regarding fake offices. Your
>payment is released immediately you get in touch with the officer as directed.
You didn't give me a number to call Agent Kirkwood, so I guess I'll have to send him an e-mail. Is he prompt to respond? Will he show me ID? You want me to stop crime by reporting unsolicited e-mails such as this one? Talk about your mixed messages! You talked about a wait, then you say he'll give me the money immediately. Mr. President, which is it?
>Try to ensure safety by respecting the power of this very office and the law as
>stipulated.
I do respect the power of the office of President, but I'm beginning to doubt this is from my president. He has yet to show me any ID.
>Further comments should be directed to the very office of the personal secretary
>to the office of the United States president .via: personalsecuspresident@netzero.net
Oh, they won't give the personal secretary of the President his or her own e-mail address. The government must be trying to crack down on excess spending (yeah, right).
>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/ group/main/main/id/00011272. html
Still don't know what this link is about. Still don't trust it.
>Good Luck
Where's your ID?
>Signed and duly stamped by
Ooh, where?
>PRESIDENT G.C.F.R DR GOOD LUCK JONATHAN FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA.
According to Wikipedia, Goodluck is all one word. Show me some ID so I know it's not.
>PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BARACK OBAMA
Where is your signature Mr. President? And your ID, so I can compare the two.
>VIEW LINK: http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
They really like this link.
>Your wish is our concern.
I wish for all my debts to be paid and to have a nice house and a couple of nice cars and enough money for Ace to never have to work again. Oh, and I'd like to have kids. Get back to me on those.
>Sincerely yours
Gee, thanks!
>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
She stopped being President Obama's secretary in June of this year. Why is she still sending out e-mails in September?
>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Not anymore. At least, not that I can tell. Don't know who is his secretary now, but it's not Ms. Johnson.
>Please do view link below.
Please don't.
>http://allafrica.com/view/group/main/main/id/00011272.html
Again with this link?
>Your wish is our concern.
Okay, this time I want a pony.
>Sincerely yours
Cordially sounds nicer at this point.
>Katherine B. "Katie" Johnson
Didn't we cover this already?
>Personal secretary to United States President Barack Obama.
Yes, these last lines were in the e-mail twice.
So, yeah. Not going to follow up on this. It's over a month old anyway. It's not that hard to figure out it's spam mail, but making it supposedly come from the President of the US made it feel a bit more unique (at least it wasn't from the head of the FBI again).
Hopefully I'll get something else in my spam folder that looks fun to pull apart soon.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
NaBloPoMo Day 1
This year, I'm once again doing National Blog Posting Month. For the next 30 days, I will be posting daily. This year, I don't think I'll have a theme for the month. Thankfulness is a good thing and I'm glad I focused on that last year. Next year I may decide to go back to focusing on something for the month or I may decide not to do NaBloPoMo.
I do have some things I want to talk about, things that I've been thinking about and letting sit. It gives me something to post about this month.
And for now, I think I'm just happy with stating that I'm going to be writing everyday in November. Hopefully I'll stretch my writing skills more as the month goes by.
I do have some things I want to talk about, things that I've been thinking about and letting sit. It gives me something to post about this month.
And for now, I think I'm just happy with stating that I'm going to be writing everyday in November. Hopefully I'll stretch my writing skills more as the month goes by.
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