Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Bottle-necked

The past few years have been hard and frustrating for me. And not just me, but Ace too. We've had way more setbacks in these past few years than seemed possible. But we kept going on, trying to do the right things and trying to find the right paths.

Unfortunately, at least for me, when all that happened, I started pushing most of my emotions about everything that was going on to the side. They weren't helping any of the various situations. And they weren't emotions that I wanted to deal with. So they got pushed aside and bottled up.

This past year has been probably the most difficult. Things just seem to keep piling on and a big part of me keeps wanting to give up. The depression that lurks around me has been harder to fight, because things just feel hopeless sometimes. People keep seeming to try to teach Ace and I that we shouldn't trust others, at least not fully. It's been exhausting and bad days have outnumbered the good the past few months.

I think I've reached an end to bottling up those emotions, at least for now. I don't have the energy to push them all away. I don't know that I have the energy to deal with them either, but they aren't going to just disappear. And I know that it will be healthier for me in the long run to just deal with them.

But for now, I'm somewhere between hurting and numb. I keep fluctuating back and forth between the two. I feel like I'm on a narrow edge and I'm just so close to falling either way. I have to be careful, but I can't ignore all the feelings that I've been not dealing with. They have come to the forefront and demanded attention.

I'm trying to be careful, because I feel depression breathing on my neck and I can't afford to let it draw me in. There are still things to do. Just because these emotions are overwhelming me right now is no reason to stop living life. But it would be so easy to just wallow for the next month.

I need help and I really don't know where to get it right now. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of being tired. Can't more things start going right for me?
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