Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Notes from a Tired Person

Okay people, my sleep schedule is all crazy and has been since Christmas. I sleep at night still, but it's not been quite straight through. I think I miss Ace being there, snoring next to me.

It doesn't help that I've suddenly decided that I need naps in the afternoon too. Sometime between 2 and 6, my body tells me that I have no energy and my eyes feel heavy. I'm exhausted and stuff. Except if I lay down in the bed. Then I wake up totally.

I doubt it helps that I'm feeling cool most of the time while I'm here too. At night and when I first get up the next morning, I feel comfortable, but otherwise I'm fairly cool, which apparently makes me sleepy.

And it doesn't seem to matter how late I stay in bed, drifting between awake and asleep. My body is just worn out about halfway through the day. It's funny to me, because otherwise I'm feeling fairly fine and had the energy earlier to help put away the Christmas decorations. I guess I'll wait and see if this is all because Ace isn't here or if this is an indication of something bigger.

Monday, December 27, 2010

A Christmas Tale

Today, I come to wish you a belated Merry Christmas and to offer you a tale of why the Christmas wish is belated.

On Christmas Eve, the internet access at my in-laws house started seeming spotty throughout the day. We had problems with websites not wanting to come up until the page was refreshed and not showing all the pictures that they were supposed to when they did start coming up.

Around 8 p.m., Ace called the internet service provider to find out if the problems were because of issues with them. The internet worked fine on Ace's computer when it was linked straight to the modem, so it wasn't the problems obviously weren't based on their end. The router for the house was messing up.

After Ace finished up the call, he reset the router to see if that would fix it. Instead, we completely lost any access to the internet through the router. It was, for all intents and purposes, dead. So, Ace and I tried to go buy a new router for the house, but Walmart was already closed for Christmas. We would have to survive the rest of Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day with no internet connection except on our phones (and we had to unplug the router for that to work).

Yesterday, we came to visit my dad and step-mom. I'm enjoying my time with my family. I am overeating extremely good smoked turkey and smoked ham (okay, not really overeating, just not eating quite enough veggies to go with the meat). I'm reading on books that I got for Christmas (I got 14 books and a fleece blanket from my dad and step-mom or my grandma). Basically, I've been too distracted since I got here to remember to post. I also forgot to send Ace an e-mail with some links like I promised to before we got here until an hour ago.

Maybe, after I've calmed down about it, I'll share what my single bother-in-law did on Christmas Day to piss me off so much. Or maybe I'll just move on with my life. I'm undecided at this point.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Christmas Vacation

Lately, I've been whiny and annoying, at least I have in my own opinion. I'm getting annoyed by stupid stuff and when I'm not whiny, I'm horny or I'm clingy.

Ace and I both need a break from this erratic behavior. So, I'm going to spend the better part of a week with my dad and step-mom in NW Arkansas, while Ace spends that time in Tulsa, working on work stuff. Ace is going to go visit my dad and step-mom for the day on the 26th (for Christmas celebration) and then come back to celebrate the New Year with us on the 31st. I'm going to just stay and enjoy some quality time with MY family.

The hope is that this mini-vacation from my in-laws will be enough to help me get back to a calm place until we can finally move out of here. It's also been a while since I've gotten to spend more than a few hours with my family and gotten to talk and interact without having something else on my mind.

Nicely, I've asked for a bunch of books for Christmas, so I'll be able to read those. I'm also taking my laptop, so I'll have an opportunity to keep up with things happening online. I will be able to text Ace from my phone, and we can obviously talk to each other too. So, while we'll be apart for 5 days, we'll still be able to communicate with each other. This will be the longest we've been apart since we've gotten married.

I'm not particularly worried about what my in-laws will say about this. They aren't being told that I'm taking this trip to get away from them, just that I'm going to spend time with my family (both are true). They'll think whatever they are going to think about my spending time away from Ace. But he and I know the truth, which is the important thing.

So, for now, I'll wait for 5 days to pass. I've got a few things to do between now and then anyway. Laundry to wash, bags to pack, Christmas with the in-laws to celebrate.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

*Blink, Blink*

The other day, Ace had a conversation with my mother-in-law about a lamp that sits in the living room. It's always left on, for light for my father-in-law to see by when he goes out to the living room before he leaves for work. The last light bulb burnt out while they were on their trip to Dallas. This is, from my memory, their conversation:

Ace: You might think about replacing that lamp. It seems to burn through bulbs a little too fast.

MIL: Yeah, I know. But it didn't use to do that.

Ace and I thinking: That's why you should replace it. Because it's obviously not working like it used to.

The lamp has burned through 4 or 5 light bulbs minimum since we moved here in April. It's already been commented on as unusually often.

The lamp is still there, and probably won't be gotten rid of when it does finally get replaced.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Baby Talk

Ace and I have lots of conversations about babies, something that should surprise nobody. The other day, we were talking about whether we want a boy or a girl first, when I get pregnant.

I personally don't care one way or the other which we have. I'd be happy with either. Ace wants a girl. And that makes me smile. I mentioned that there are a lot of guys who want a boy to carry on the family name. Ace doesn't care about that.

Is it any wonder why I love this man? He wants a girl to spoil/protect/raise. I'm certain that if we have a boy, he won't mind. He'll love a son as much as he would a daughter. He's just looking forward to having a girl at this point. And that is something special.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Send Food

My mother-in-law is trying to starve me, or at least she doesn't believe me when I've said I don't like greasy food. The last two meals offered by my in-laws: KFC (extra crispy and original fried chicken, potato wedges, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob) and fish filets (fried fish, baked french fries, pork and beans, and fruit salad).

I would love a bag of salad (lettuce, carrot, and cabbage) and some salad dressing (Hidden Valley Ranch, preferably, but Italian will do too). I'm craving a red delicious apple. I dream of eating yogurt on a regular basis again. I spend half my days living on animal crackers, pudding, and goldfish crackers.

Please, somebody, send some healthy food STAT!

Surprise Reaction

I read through the library book on how to be a successful adoptive parent. I've got a list of websites to check out and a few more books to potentially read. And I have a better understanding of how adopted children feel and react, at least on some minor level.

But the part that hit me hard was how I reacted emotionally to the book. There were things that are important to know if you ever want to adopt that showed me that I'm not ready to adopt yet. I'm not quite ready to deal with problems that come with adoption when I'm still trying to get past a few of my own issues that are eerily similar.

I spent half the book trying to figure out if I'll ever be ready to help a child adjust to the fact that they were (sort of) rejected by their birth parents in order for me to even have the option of raising them. It seems overwhelming. I spent the other half of the book trying to figure out how to move past my own rejection issues that my mom raised by never seeming to figure out how to express her approval of me (if she had any). How do I help someone start to piece their life back together when I'm not finished with that project myself?

I've been feeling an odd mix of emotions since reading this book. My in-laws seem more annoying and demanding which causes me to want to push them away. Ace seems busy with stuff and I just want to hold him close for a while. It's crowded in my head and I can't quite turn off the voices telling me that I'm not emotionally equipped to handle this, even though it's been something I've already wanted to do for 10 years.

So, I sit and I try to distract myself some. Christmas specials help with that. I try to let my subconscious sort through everything and come up with something definitive. I remind myself that I'm not trying to adopt right now, so it's okay that I'm not ready emotionally yet. I wait and I breathe. And I let God and time work on the unexpectedly reopened wounds. I hug Ace a bit more often and find funny things to cheer myself up when I can. I allow myself the mental space to work on other things. I look to the future with joy, despite my uncertainty. I learn and I grow. I become a better person, which will make me a better parent when the time is right. I let go of anger and deal with the pain as best I can. I forgive and forgive and forgive until my emotions catch up with the process.

And I start reading another book, on something different, to give myself something else to think about and figure out and grow from. Because that's what this time is for, this time before children. And I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Even When They're Not Here!

I'm still alive and well. I've been distracted with World of Warcraft lately. Well, that and trying not to just complain about my in-laws.

My mother-in-law decided that we need to eat off the Christmas plates through most of December. This wouldn't be a big deal, but the Christmas plates have gold on the edges, so they can't be put in the microwave. Which is how most of the food around here gets cooked when we are individually feeding ourselves (which we have been all week, because the table is too covered with stuff from some other "vitally important" task my mother-in-law deiced to do but couldn't do in just one day). But she'd prefer it if we didn't use the microwave safe plates (from the old set of dishes, which still aren't packed up yet) so that way they'll be clean for when she does pack them up.

Then, yesterday, Ace was trying to help get the house warm enough for me to not have to wear my hoodie to feel comfortable (or long sleeves, if I don't want to). My mother-in-law noticed that she was feeling hot, but since no one wanted to actually say that it's just her (I figured that me sitting in a hoodie made it obvious that I wasn't hot) she would turn on the a/c. Shortly before they were going to leave to go to Dallas for 2 days. And just leave it on, because as long as she's comfortable who cares that I'm freezing?

I am fighting off a desire to be petty and break one of her Christmas plates. It would only make me feel marginally better for a few minutes before I felt bad about doing something so childish and immature. I'm just feeling a bit at the end of my rope here. My life, such as it currently is, seems to revolve around making my mother-in-law satisfied, even if it means I'm feeling frustrated and emotionally injured, because that's how things happen in this house. I'm getting emotional flashbacks to living with my mother, something I shouldn't have to put up with. None of this is fair or right or just or anything that indicates that I should have to live with it. But I'm supposed to not rock the boat, because then I'll be a good daughter-in-law. And I'm not sure I can do much more to not rock the boat.

It's frustrating that even when my in-laws are out of town they can still do something annoying. It's frustrating that my mother-in-law is so selfish all the time and doesn't see it. It's frustrating to feel so powerless and so stuck, waiting for things to change. It's probably not healthy living with all this frustration either.

I'm going to go. I'm going to focus on the positive that I get time with Ace right now with no one else around. And I may take a nap, because I'm tired. But mainly, I've run out of things to say.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Let's Talk About Adoption

Ace and I aren't talking about us adopting a child at this point. We're not ready to meet all the criteria for someone to be willing to let us raise a child (I know they want you to support yourself and have enough funds to support a child before they hand over a kid). That doesn't mean that I'm not reading up on adoption though.

My reasons are two fold. One, I want to adopt someday and I want to have the knowledge of how the process works and what to expect when raising an adopted child. Especially since I'm not talking about adopting a baby, but want to adopt a slightly older child, which adds to potential problems. Two, my book includes a guy who has adopted, so I need to be knowledgeable about how that happens to make my book realistic.

I originally got interested in learning more about adoption after finding out/understanding that my dad is adopted (it wasn't a big secret, I just didn't really understand what that meant for a long time). My grandmother adopted him when he was 3 days old. In college, I did a research paper on adoption, because the subject interested me. I talked with someone on campus who adopted. Interestingly for me, he had questions about my view of adoption, seeing as I was the child of an adoptee. Mostly he wondered if I wondered about my biological grandparents. To be honest, until he asked I hadn't really thought about them, but after that I was slightly curious (not curious enough to do anything about it, just curious enough to wonder).

I do think that my grandmother's decision to adopt has helped me make a similar decision. It showed me, in a very understated way, that a person could choose to love someone, that families come together in more than just one way. I love my grandmother, and I know that she loves me. But the connection we have to each other is one that was chosen, because it's not one that's based on DNA.

I won't compare my grandmothers' affections towards me, as that would be unfair to both of them. My mom's mom had 7 children. To her, I'm one of many grandchildren (at least 14, and now there are many great-grandchildren in the picture). To my dad's mom, I'm one of 3 grandchildren and I was the only one for a long time. I'm special, because she helped take care of me when I was still in diapers. She helped raise me, to a degree. And for a little while, it looked like I'd be her only grandchild. But they both love me. And that is what is truly important in my life.

I don't know quite where I'm going with all of this. I may never fully figure it all out. I just know that someday, I plan on adopting a child. I'm not sure if I would have ever decided that without my grandmother doing it first. But she did and I do. And now I'm going to go read about adoption.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Decision 2010

Ace and I talked for a little while and came to a decision about Christmas. We're skipping visiting my extended family in OKC this year. I'm not ready, and I'm not sure when I will be. Christmas should be happy, not awkward and stressful (at least, as much as it can be).

I let my cousin know this, along with letting her know that I do want to see my extended family sometime. She wasn't surprised, but she did let me know that she plans on continuing to ask me even if my answer doesn't change. She wants me to know that I'm wanted, which is what I truly got from her original message. It's nice to have someone in my extended family understand me.

It reminded me that I'm loved and missed, by people who haven't seen me in 4 years. That they still care, even if some of them couldn't show it earlier this year (because of other obligations/prior plans). It is a good reminder.

Other than that, the biggest thing happening around here is the continuation of the thermostat war. My mother-in-law turned on the a/c two days in a row for no overly obvious reason. If she was starting to get hot, there are fans she could have turned on (with less moving around on her part). I'm just happy that it's been decent temperatures outside for December (especially when my car doesn't have a fully working heater). However, even Ace thinks it's ridiculous to turn on the a/c when the weather isn't getting over 70 (highs have been in the lower 60s). I think she's trying to freeze me, which goes along with her trying to starve me as ways she's trying to either kill me or get me to leave. This woman keeps claiming she wants grandchildren, but she's fighting the possibility of that happening every step of the way while we're living here.

Soon, we will be on our own again. Next week/weekend (we're not sure exactly when or how long at this point), the in-laws are going out of town on a business/pleasure trip (business for father-in-law, then pleasure for both after his business is concluded). So, very soon, Ace and I will have some time alone. There's already been talk of Chinese food to celebrate.

And now, I must go to bed, as it's 2 a.m. and I have plans tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


My mother-in-law is annoying me. It's probably not 100% her fault, after all I've been easier to irritate lately and my mind has been trying to solve 3 different things all at once. But she's annoying me none-the-less.

It started Thanksgiving day. My mother-in-law got a new set of dishes, which would be no big deal if she had Ace and I help her pack the old ones away before she started using the new ones. But she didn't. The new dishes apparently made their debut at the dinner we missed.

She's packing up the old dishes now (or at least moving them out of the cabinets and on top of whatever is covering the counters near where they were), although I have no clue where they are going (not with us when we move, I want to pick my own dishes out thanks).

At dinner, she asked Ace if he and I would help find the Christmas tree and the Christmas dishes soon. Because more dishes added to the mess that is this house will help (Send help, I'm starting to abuse sarcasm!) (uhh... we have a few weeks before they need to be washed for their one day of use before being washed and packed back up again for another year). And because we'll be bringing the tree down, we'll have to clear space for it in the living room and probably decorate it too.

Normally, I don't mind decorating a Christmas tree (Ace does, but I kind of enjoy decorating the tree when I'm in charge of it), but having to clear stuff out to make room for one is annoying me as much as my mother-in-law's desire to have all these sets of dishes cluttering up the small amount of space that's available in the house.

My only salvation is that this weekend Ace and I have plans and next weekend, my in-laws will be out of town. I will have some alone time with my husband while they are gone. I can, hopefully, de-stress and get in the Christmas spirit.

In the mean time, I'm just going to work on not breaking dishes out of frustration while wondering why there is so much crap in this house. The dishes haven't done anything wrong.