Sunday, March 28, 2010

Taking Time to Slow Down and Breathe

Lately, I've spent too many days/hours/minutes trying to get stuff done (mostly just to figure things out mentally). Today, I've decided to slow myself down, relax some, and just breathe some.

I've mentioned before that I have a tendency to stress myself out, but I think I understated how badly I do it. My friend, Karen, used to hate giving me massages because she'd end up sore at the end trying to get all my muscles to relax and give up the stress they had been carrying (for the past month). I felt bad, but I am in the habit of stressing about everything.

So today, I've decided that I only have 1 thing that needs to get done, adding some already downloaded files to the iPods. I've got until 10:15 tonight to do it, so I'm in no rush. I'll probably do it in about 30 minutes, but if I don't, it's no big deal. I have time.

I really need to look at slowing myself down and focusing on one thing more often. I push myself mentally until I'm almost at a breaking point, and it needs to stop. I need to let go of the stress and focus instead on breathing. If I can do that, I'll be a much happier, healthier person.

And isn't that the goal, being happier and healthier? If not, it should be. And maybe it'll help with the dreams of getting pregnant.

So, I'm off to do something else. I'm going to remind myself often to breathe and relax. I'm going to take today to slow down my brain.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I Guess They Were Distracted

Tonight, Ace and I got some Taco Bell. We pull up, order, and everything seems to be okay. We pull around to the window, pay and get handed our food.

The first problem we had was that we ordered a drink too. They forgot to give us our drink, so Ace asked about it. Then, I look in the bag and mention that they didn't give us any napkins or a spork (I ordered something that needed a utensil, we had none). So when they give us our drink, he asks for some napkins and a spoon or spork.

We got 3 napkins and a fork. Now, the three napkins were fine, that was no big deal (other than we had to ask for them), but they obviously weren't paying attention to what Ace said when they gave us a fork instead of a spoon or a spork. Since I ordered something that would work better with a spoon, I waited to eat it until we got back (which took a little while since we drove around some first).

I don't think they were intentionally trying to give us bad service, but the only other explanation we can think of is that they were completely distracted.

At least the food tasted good and only one of us needed any napkins.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It's a Great Big World

I'm still adjusting my mind to the fact that 50 degrees with no wind is actually warm. When you've been around cold winds that cut through jackets all your life, it takes some getting used to.

Today is one of those beautiful days that makes you happy to be alive. The sun is out, the temperature is nice and warm, and the breeze is actually kind of nice. I'm tempted to want to spend more time outside, something that would surprise a lot of people who know me.

I am predominately an indoor person. I'm okay with the great outdoors, as long as I can see it from inside or don't have to spend a lot of time in it. Not because I think there is anything wrong with being outside, it just doesn't usually appeal to me (probably because of the winds I'm used to). In Oklahoma, you do your hair twice; once before you leave and once when you get there. Here in Springfield, it's very different. Cold temperatures (or moderate ones) don't seem to be as cold. There's so much less wind, so windchill seems non-existent to someone used to strong winds.

I am finding myself more and more enamored with the idea of travel. I want to see the world, or at least as much of it as I feel safe seeing. And I'd like to start seeing it sooner rather than later. I'd like to see the differences between what I'm used to and what is out there. And, of course, I'd like to find the similarities too. I'm also finding myself wanting a house with a yard so that I can grow vegetables or, at least, try growing some herbs. I'm yearning for the excitement of travel and the roots of establishing a home and it's an odd feeling. Hopefully, I'll be able to do both.

It's a great big world and I want to see it. And, someday, I think I will.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Organizing My Thoughts

I did warn you that I was feeling quieter lately. And while I'm seeing more clearly, I'm still not finding a ton of things I want to write about here. Or, at least, I wasn't.

One of my cousins is pregnant (I have lots of cousins, mostly female, so this seems to happen a lot). She's been reading up on various things related to pregnancy, as a woman tends to do while she is pregnant. And she's been sharing some of those things with others, myself included.

One of the things she's shared has been about the NIH's conference on Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (or VBAC). One of the big things that happened there was a discussion on the legal aspects of pregnant women's right of refusal of surgery (specifically in a VBAC situation). There was no definitive say about which way the law does or should go, just a minor mention that a pregnant woman may not have the right to refuse surgery based on the baby's right to life.

While I don't currently have this potential problem, the issue does grab my attention. Mostly because I see this as a potential slippery slope that could potentially lead to other medical decisions being taken out of any patient's hands and put firmly into the hands of a doctor.

This is not to say that I don't respect doctors or their training. I do. I know that they've had long years of training, at great expense. 4 years of college plus another 4 of medical school to start. Once they've finished medical school, they have another couple of years practicing under someone else before they become a full fledged doctor. I know all this because at one point, I wanted to be a doctor (or a nurse).

I know that there are plenty of great doctors out there. Most doctors have a passion for healing people. I know that doctors aren't trying to harm their patients. And I've always had doctors that I felt I could trust. Be that as it may, I still don't want a doctor to decide that he (or she) knows better than me what is right for me and my child.

I don't want the potential for a lawsuit be what sways a doctor, hospital, insurance company, or a lawmaker to decide that my rights, as a person and a parent, are not important enough for me to make an informed decision. I'd rather not hear that pregnancy equals mental instability (or whatever legal term that would take a person's right to make a decision be taken away from them). I just hope and pray that this issue will find a way to be peacefully resolved.

Until it is, maybe I should be glad that I'm not pregnant right now, so this whole issue is just academic for me.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


Right now, my head is a jumble of thoughts all wanting to express themselves, preferably at once. It is loud and crazy and mixed up and at the same time it's comforting (except when I want to sleep, then it's just annoying).

Life had demanded I focus on certain things lately. Things that added to my stress levels. Things that blocked my creativity. Things that left me wanting to be quiet because the noise in my head wasn't there.

Since then, Ace and I have taken care of all those pesky demands, or at least all the ones we could do something about. It's left me feeling lighter and clearer. It's let me focus on things again, something that was sorely lacking before.

Today, I feel like I can see where I'm at and what I need to do to get to where I'm supposed to go. The chatter that I've probably complained about before has helped remind me that I'm whole again.

Today, I feel that I have returned to myself. And I'm happy about that.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Awkward Shyness Has Bad Timing

Lately, I've not been feeling extremely shy. That has not always been the case though. When I was really young, I was very awkwardly shy and I still am to a degree.

The bad timing on shyness is that sometimes I'll feel comfortable around people and then suddenly I'll need something that I don't feel comfortable asking for and suddenly I feel painfully shy. This is a big deal for me mentally, as I should feel comfortable asking people who I know care about me for something to make me feel more physically comfortable.

Once or twice, this popped up at the chiropractor's office. Since I only went with Ace driving me, he was my mouthpiece. Before we left, I got what I needed and felt good, but I should have been able to ask for myself. I know that no one would be mad at me, but I just couldn't bring myself to ask on my own.

I doubt my awkward shyness would manifest if I was asking for someone else (it never has before, nor does my intense dislike of calling people). I'm not quite sure what to make of it. Am I fine asking for others to be made comfortable because I'm a people pleaser? Is that same tendency why I feel bad asking for something for me? And why does it seem like the answers to these questions will just bring me more questions?

I offer no answers and make no promises. I'll attempt to get better and hopefully I'll succeed. And maybe someday, I'll fully defeat my shyness.

Sunday, March 7, 2010


The last few months, I've been quieter here than normal. I'm not really sure what to say about it, other than I've been distracted with the boring details of life and I haven't wanted to write about those.

I imagine that as I work on my book (when I start working on it again, hopefully soon), I'll probably be distracted with that more, so I will probably continue to write here less. Probably.

Or, something major could happen in the next few days and I'll be spending the next few months writing here about that. I don't know.

So, until I'm wordy here again, it'll probably be quiet. And that's okay too.

Friday, March 5, 2010

The One Where I'm a Roller Coaster

This morning has been playing havoc with my emotions. Which is all dumb, because I know that Ace and I are doing fine and will continue to do fine.

Our original plan this morning was to take the car to get a diagnostic run to find out why our blinkers aren't currently working (it's not so fun to go anywhere right now). Then we were going to do a little grocery shopping before going to the mall so I could people watch.

Instead, Ace called and got our car re-insured (because it's a bit bigger of a deal) and we paid for our mailbox for 3 more months and realized that we didn't have any money left for food after that. So, we decided to come back to our room and skip everything else.

Then we found out we have a check in our mail, a small one but it's enough to cover what food we really wanted for this next week. And about that time, some part of me decided that I should just curl up with my blanket and forget about anything.

My emotions have been kind of haywire lately. If I hadn't had my period somewhat recently, I'd be wondering about the possibility of pregnancy, at least a little. But I think I've just been pushing myself mentally and emotionally lately and I'm seeing some of the repercussions from that.

I have been avoiding curling up with my blanket. While it might make me feel better in the short term, it would be an awful idea for the long term. And right now, I need to start looking to the future more.

Today, I'm feeling like I'm a roller coaster. Maybe tomorrow I'll be the Tilt-O-Whirl, a ride I much prefer.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Anthony Bourdain

In the 2 and a half weeks we stayed with my dad and step-mother, Ace and I got to see several episodes of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. We had two reactions to the show. 1. It was great. All the food and culture being explored was fascinating. 2. If we kept watching it, we'd get fat because when Tony talked about food he made us want to eat. Of course, that wasn't helped by the travel channel showing 3 or 4 (or more) episodes of No Reservations in a row.

I like food. I enjoy food. I have problems with spices sometimes, but food is wonderful. My only real problem with spices is that my palate is too sensitive to them. I taste more of the individual flavors than most people do. Something that has lead to me not liking BBQ sauce, which is a sin to most Texans (my dad and I were both born in Texas, so it's important). For most foods, it's no big deal. But the stuff that Tony eats looks amazing and I want to try it. Except I'm not sure if I would enjoy myself. And I like enjoying food. There's also this irrational fear of wasting food that bubbles up (I dislike wasting food, but I'm not going to force myself to eat something I don't like), something I blame on our culture's insistence on reminding children about starving kids in China as a rational as to why we should clean our plates (the idea makes no sense when you think about it).

I'll admit, the food is not the only reason I enjoyed the show. Tony sees the world and he's no angel. He uses big words and isn't afraid to curse. He appeals to my intellectual side. I'm fairly certain that if I were with him in person, I'd either love him dearly or find him somewhat annoying (and it'd probably lean toward the later). But the idea of getting to see the world appeals to me. I want to travel and experience and grow richer for it. I want to visit somewhere I don't really know the language. I want to do something that seems crazy to people I don't know and will never see again.

And then I remember that for the most part, I prefer to be nice and safe inside my home. With food I know my stomach and tongue can both agree on. With my internet connection and my books and a world of potential places to visit right inside my own head. I remember that I like being able to talk to people and be understood (for the most part).

So, when I can, I'll probably watch more Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. I might see if I can check his books out of the library and explore the world through him. And I'll try, again, to work on myself to try something new and exciting, reminding myself that if I don't like the new food the experience, and the food, wasn't wasted and that I grew just from trying. It may be small, but it's a start.