Thursday, July 26, 2012

Quiet and Loud

Everything has seemed to be a mixture of opposites lately. I feel like being very quiet. It seems very loud in my head. I am surrounded by people. I feel alone. I am tired and just want to sleep until my body has finally caught up on rest. I find it hard to make myself to bed and then to go to sleep.

The biggest thing is that I just want to stay quiet and unnoticed for the most part right now. "Just leave me be. Let me take care of myself. I don't need a lot of help right now, thank you," some part of me is practically screaming. "Oh, but can you provide me with something to make it quiet in my head? It is so loud in here."

And every time I get still enough I start thinking about things I want to leave alone for now. Which just adds to me wanting to be practically falling asleep before I try getting into bed. Which leads to being exhausted, something I haven't really moved past since Ace left.

My emotions, while not completely raw, are fairly close to the surface. They feel uncomfortable. Silence seems to be too quiet, because it makes it easier to realize how loud it is in my head. And I don't have any answers for anyone right now, except that I'm not really ready to figure everything out yet.

I'm ready to be past all this crappy mental state. I miss feeling comfortable in the quiet. I miss having a calm and quiet mind (not that it's ever really fully quiet, but it's normally not so loud). I am ready for the world to not seem to be quiet so painful to me mentally and emotionally.

I think I'll just mostly sit here, distracting myself with things that make me laugh, and stay fairly quiet until I'm feeling more whole. Maybe then, my world won't seem quite so odd then.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Less Twitchy, More Tired

The twitchiness seems to have dropped down a bit. I'm still way more raw emotionally than I'd like to be, but it's at livable levels over all.

On the other hand, my insomnia has not really left. On the plus side, I should fall asleep early and easily tonight (I have an early start to my day tomorrow). On the minus side, I think I've been having some minor problems focusing while reading my library book.

Also, I've suddenly gotten very obsessed with the show Sherlock, the writings of Arthur Conan Doyle about Sherlock Holmes, and British slang is starting to feel more natural than Oklahoma slang.

I'm starting to want to call the television the telly. I had to remember what a subway was before I called it the underground while talking with Ace. (We were talking about New York City. Oklahoma has no subways as far as I know.)

Basically, I need sleep and I'm obsessed with Sherlock Holmes in just about any way I can get him.

I think I need sex. How long until I see my husband again?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


Today I am feeling twitchy. I think it's partly a lack of enough sleep lately. On a good night, I get 6 hours. That sounds like plenty, except my body prefers to get about 9 hours of sleep. I am tired a lot.

Also, I started my period. Completely expected thing to happen. The timing is even right. But the hormones have me on edge right now. I can practically feel my nerves wincing about everything that is happening. But reading about infertility while being on your period does not make life sunshine and roses (sometime, I'll actually find out if Ace and I have fertility issues, but not until we take care of x and y and maybe z).

Oh, and I woke up with my shoulder aching and my fingertips numb.

And I'm missing Ace like crazy.

And my father-in-law, who has toned down his affection, is still being more affectionate than I'd like.

And I'm trying to just relax, but it's not really working. Because that stupid driving test is looming in my vision again. And I know I can pass it, but there's a small part of me that keeps wondering if I'm not letting myself.

In other words, I have about a dozen reasons to be twitchy right now and they are all hitting me at once. Depression keeps breathing down my neck, looking for a week spot to pounce on and drag me down into its depths.

So, if you wonder why I'm not posting here right now, it's because I'm fighting off/dealing with all that stuff.

*Twitch, twitch*

Friday, July 13, 2012

Depression Sucks

This past week, I started seeing the signs of depression coming on. It's not fully surprising, I'm missing Ace a lot and they shift in how his parents, especially his father, are acting would throw anyone.

I've noticed that right before depression pulls me down, I start having insomnia. I can't convince myself to go to bed and go to sleep. I don't know why, but it's like I'm suddenly afraid to go to sleep, afraid of my dreams (none of which I can remember being particularly bad, but...).

I'm not sunk down as far as I have been in the past. I'm having what feels more like bad emotional days (and exhaustion from the lack of enough sleep). The biggest things are a lack of motivation to do something as basic as feed myself and a feeling so raw/tired/sad all the time. But it's not controlling me (other than the not eating enough thing).

Good news keeps coming in. Slowly. Any bad news is temporary set backs. Nothing to make life suck completely. But enough to make it easier to feel depressed.

The only good thing about Ace having the laptop is that if I want to get online (and I do), I have to get off the bed to do it. Which means no lounging around on the bed in a cocoon of blankets letting myself slip further into depression.

I miss Ace. I miss not being tired, although that will disappear as soon as my body starts working with my brain on sleep instead of against it. I miss just being generally happy.

But I'm so close to finally, finally starting to get back to things being where I want them to be. And that makes me happy, deep down.

Depression sucks. But I'm stronger than it is.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Unwanted Attention

Ace is currently in training. He seems to be enjoying it, as far as I can tell. At the very least, he isn't hating it.

I, on the other hand, am stuck at his parents' house without his protection. And suddenly my father-in-law has decided to pay a lot of attention to me.

So far, nothing "inappropriate" has happened. Other than I don't want him paying this much attention to me and he keeps touching me without me feeling comfortable about it. He's not touching any place that people would claim is inappropriate. However, if I feel uncomfortable with his touches, it's inappropriate. It bothers me.

My father-in-law is very outgoing. I am an introvert. He likes being around people. I can get enough socialization with one meal to feel content with being alone for roughly a week. Also, it's taken him over 9 years to start trying to open up and welcome me into his family?

Supposedly, he hasn't felt like I've wanted to belong. He's been right about that a lot. I have hidden behind my husband often. My in-laws pry and push and make me feel uncomfortable. I keep lots of things private, because I don't feel like they need to be public. Going out to a meal and talking for an hour makes me uncomfortable (at least it does with them). Forcing physical contact is unreasonable. All it's going to do is drive me away.

I want to be out of here. I desperately want to be out of here. I want to be around my father or Ace, who both understand better my desire to be quiet and left alone. That I'm not big on being touched just whenever someone else feels like it. I want to be around people who understand that sometimes people don't want attention or contact. I want to feel like I don't need to shut myself off just to know that I'll be left alone.

Every time my father-in-law comes into my bedroom to "check up on me", it feels like he's invading my sanctuary. I don't have any place that is safe for just me while I'm living here. That isn't fair. Everyone deserves privacy. And while he doesn't just barge into the room, he also doesn't respect any personal space when he does come in. The only way to keep he from moving past just the doorway is to stand in the doorway, which then puts me in arms reach for more unwanted "affection".

When I leave here, I don't plan on coming back except to get my things moved out. I don't want people who have spent over 9 years feeling like I should make the first move to prove I want to be part of their family. Who makes the new person coming make the first move? And didn't they take me spending time with them while I was dating Ace as an indication that I was trying to, at least sort of, fit in?

I'm just ready to be done with all of this crap. And I just really want to be left alone.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Missing Ace

Ace is at his second day of orientation. Hopefully today is going well.

I miss him. This time has been slightly harder than last time. There is nothing coming up to distract me. It doesn't help that I miss my laptop too.

For now, while I still have access to it, I'm spending lots of time on Netflix. It helps keep me distracted. In fact, when I'm not on Netflix, the TV is on. I can't seem to feel comfortable with silence right now.

I miss my husband. But I know that he's going to be making us money soon. And we need that to happen.

It doesn't fully make this separation easier.