Thursday, December 29, 2011

Still Alive

I'm still alive over here. I enjoyed my Christmas with my dad, step-mom, and siblings. And since then I've been fighting off a cold or a sinus infection or something similar. I've been trying to stay warm and not moving much. I probably should have been napping more.

Now if only it didn't feel like I was breathing in something painful and the sneezing so often would stop, I could enjoy my new year. Today is the first day this week that I've woken up and not felt totally exhausted (it only took 11 hours of sleep to accomplish that). And I'm still feeling a little tired, but not nearly as much.

I also needed lots of blankets this morning (I was cold). I have my nice, heavy blanket that I bought in Mexico (great for warmth), and two lighter, thinner fleece blankets (one wrapped around my arms, the other laying on top of the one from Mexico). After that, I finally felt warm. In addition to that, I had put on my nice, fuzzy (warm) pajama pants (Ace and I bought them Tuesday, and I've mostly worn them since). My body was obviously needing some heat (I don't know if I was running a fever or just cold, but I started feeling comfy after that).

And now I'm going to try to finish most of what I do online daily so that I can try to convince myself to take a nap this afternoon. A body that is fighting something off needs lots of rest.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas

It hit me, as I sit here trying to mentally unwind from the day, that I should probably post again. I'm doing better. I'm not focusing on the current financial stuff that had me so upset a few days ago. I don't like not having Christmas gifts for people, and between that and the hormones I was not in a good place mentally. I was obviously having a bad day.

Today, while long and full of people for longer than I wanted it to be, was much better. My in-laws surprised me in good ways today. And if I hadn't been fighting off something, I would probably have enjoyed the day a lot more (I spent most of it wanting to lay down and not move much).

Tomorrow I get to see my dad and step-mom (and my siblings, I believe). I get to enjoy some yummy smoked turkey and ham. I get to spend time with people I don't get to see nearly often enough.

I'm trying to focus on the good things that are coming in this next year. Things like having my own cell phone again (that will be my late Christmas gift from Ace). And my date weekend away from the craziness that is life in my in-law's house (really late birthday celebration). Giving the Christmas gifts we wanted to be giving out today and tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


The past few years have been hard and frustrating for me. And not just me, but Ace too. We've had way more setbacks in these past few years than seemed possible. But we kept going on, trying to do the right things and trying to find the right paths.

Unfortunately, at least for me, when all that happened, I started pushing most of my emotions about everything that was going on to the side. They weren't helping any of the various situations. And they weren't emotions that I wanted to deal with. So they got pushed aside and bottled up.

This past year has been probably the most difficult. Things just seem to keep piling on and a big part of me keeps wanting to give up. The depression that lurks around me has been harder to fight, because things just feel hopeless sometimes. People keep seeming to try to teach Ace and I that we shouldn't trust others, at least not fully. It's been exhausting and bad days have outnumbered the good the past few months.

I think I've reached an end to bottling up those emotions, at least for now. I don't have the energy to push them all away. I don't know that I have the energy to deal with them either, but they aren't going to just disappear. And I know that it will be healthier for me in the long run to just deal with them.

But for now, I'm somewhere between hurting and numb. I keep fluctuating back and forth between the two. I feel like I'm on a narrow edge and I'm just so close to falling either way. I have to be careful, but I can't ignore all the feelings that I've been not dealing with. They have come to the forefront and demanded attention.

I'm trying to be careful, because I feel depression breathing on my neck and I can't afford to let it draw me in. There are still things to do. Just because these emotions are overwhelming me right now is no reason to stop living life. But it would be so easy to just wallow for the next month.

I need help and I really don't know where to get it right now. I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of being tired. Can't more things start going right for me?

Monday, December 19, 2011


Today, my sister turned 21. She's fully a legal adult. If she wants, she can legally drink, smoke, vote, join the military, get married, drive, and own property (okay, most of that she could do by age 18, but still).

I remember when she was born (okay, not literally, because I was in school and I don't remember much of anything about that school day other than wanting to be at the hospital). I remember us bringing her home from the hospital. It was cold so there were several layers of blankets over her car seat. We went out to eat that night. She was 3 days old. 2 or 3 days later, on Christmas, our mother put her under the tree with a bow stuck to her head like she was a present.

I remember singing Disney songs with her and her insisting that I sing the boy parts (because she wasn't going to). I'm pretty sure I usually sang both parts, much to her frustration. I don't remember most of our games, but I know that we did play together.

We shared a room for 6 years. Her things were almost always thrown everywhere. My stuff was usually a little messy but easily cleaned up. We were almost like complete opposites personality wise. She was a morning person and I have always seemed to prefer night to morning. Our age difference didn't help us grow close, despite being in such close proximity. We started doing better when we stopped sharing a room.

I missed seeing her for most of her teen years. Moving to Tulsa and then stopping contact with my mom made my relationship with her strained. I felt like I was abandoning her for my own sanity and she apparently felt like I was just another person in a long string who left. I still hurt because of that. But we've talked this stuff over. I'm pretty sure we've worked most of it out. I hope she knows that I am open to hearing from her and talking to her at any time. I hope she knows how much I love her.

I feel like I left her while she was still forming her personality. I don't really fully know who my sister is any more. She's still the wonderful, sweet, caring person that I saw when she was 2, but she's also this strange and mysterious adult who I've not gotten much of a chance to get to know. She's had experiences that I wasn't there for or there to talk to about. I haven't gotten to be the protective big sister that I still am. I feel like she and I are worlds apart still.

My little sister, okay she's taller but she's still my little sister, is an adult. And I'm hoping that someday I'll get a chance to get to know her better.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

It Doesn't Seem to End

I've been a little distracted lately. I've been doing a lot of reading on adoption. And two of the three days I took off from doing that, I spent not moving much because my back was hurting (the third day, Ace and I were running errands all afternoon, which is when I read).

I'm happy to be learning a lot of what I need to know, but I'm slightly frustrated that the more I research the more I find I need to research to feel like I can understand everything I want to understand. There is no real end in sight and that pleases me and frustrates me at the same time.

Once I start finding info on special needs kids (any kid roughly school aged who can be adopted is considered special needs), I start finding out I need to do more research on what problems I can expect special needs kids to exhibit. I need to understand what issues they would have based on being in the system, plus whatever problems created by their birth family situation, plus whatever issues might pop up from being pulled from one or more sets of parents.

It's difficult to read about this stuff. It's somewhat discouraging for me. I want to adopt an older child at some point. It's not like I had any questions that my future adopted child would have issues from their past, but I don't think I had fully thought about how difficult it might be to raise them before now. It's not that I don't think I can handle it or be a parent to an older child, but it's frustrating to see things written to be honest that feel discouraging.

I am getting the impression that there will never fully be an end to what I could research. There is no point where I've learned everything I can, there's just a point where I decide I've done enough research, that I know enough, and I put researching adoption back on the shelf in my mind until Ace and I are ready to move forward with adopting a child. And then I will do more research and more pointed research.

Every book I look at mentions websites and other books. Every website will probably point me to other websites and books. It doesn't seem like there is an end of resources. But I'm not devoting the rest of my life to researching things for this book. I'm feeling fairly confident in my understanding of the process of adoption, now I'll research the potential emotional implications. Then I'll try to move onto another topic to research (I still have a few other things to research after adoption, adoption was just the biggest one).

Friday, December 9, 2011

Why So Quiet?

I love doing NaBloPoMo. It's a great challenge, and even when I know I've posted everyday, part of me freaks out and checks obsessively to make sure I haven't missed a day. It's something that seems like an important part of my life in November. Then December rolls around and I go back to posting randomly. I start letting days slip by without posting, because nothing exciting seems to happen, or because I'm just so busy with life that I don't have the energy to post. Or I just want a break after posting every day for 30 days.

This year, those 30 posts seemed harder to do. I posted 3 different spam mails! I don't think I've ever done that before. It wasn't that there was absolutely nothing to talk about, it's just that I really don't want to write my complaints in every post. And my stress levels were through the roof. I'm feeling much less stressed now. Things have calmed down at lot.

I stopped raiding in World of Warcraft. It was one thing too many right now. Ace and I were both having problems adjusting ourselves to his work schedule, trying to spend time with Taz some, finding time alone, and raiding. Something had to go. Ace needed more sleep at night and I needed to not be stressing the muscles in my back and shoulder so much. I'm still hoping that I can see Karen soon to get a massage, so that my back will stop feeling like a big knot.

Part of trying to drop my stress levels has been me not posting. I've been focusing on other things, like sleeping and reading. I've been trying to focus on the positives in my life. I've been talking with Ace about good things in our future. Things seem to be getting better, at least a bit. Now you know why things have been so quiet around here lately.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Distractions Abound

One of the worst parts about living with my in-laws is that it's easy to get distracted by things. I'm trying to read about adoption right now, doing research for my book and getting reminded of the process. I keep getting distracted by the cold of the room and the sound of the TV through the shut door.

Yesterday, I couldn't force myself to focus for more than 30 minutes on any one thing. Today I don't seem to be doing much better. I miss having control of the temperature. I miss being able to have silence when it's convenient for me. I miss having control over my environment for a large part.

If I said something about the distraction of the TV, my mother-in-law would just suggest changing my schedule to fit around hers. How is that fair to me? She only has the TV on for noise and there are other ways to have noise in a house. I realize it's not fair to expect her to adjust her schedule to mine either, but she could at least lower the volume of the TV so it can't be heard through a closed door.

We are obviously still having issues with where the thermostat is set (Currently it's pushed down to the 60s. I'm hoping it's for my sister-in-law who is cleaning.). I am so ready for us to be in our own place again.

And now I need to get back to reading about adoption.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Keep Your Friends Close

My dad commented on a FaceBook post of mine and it's got me thinking. I quoted part of the song Lean on Me (If there is a load you have to bear that you can't carry, I'm right up the road I'll share your load if you just call me.). He said, "just because that is how you roll. You seem to believe keep your friends close, and your best friends even closer."

He's right, of course. If you are my friend, I care about what is going on in your life and I generally try to keep at least some tabs on you. If I love you, I keep myself in your life. I replied, "helps keep me happy, being surrounded by people I love."

I think this is the secret to living a fulfilling life. It's not to keep your enemies close, it's to walk away from them and surround yourself with people you care about who also care about you. It's not that you'll never have problems this way, but they will be easier to deal with. You will have surrounded yourself with an emotional safety net to keep you from getting hurt.

So, keep your friends close and your best friends even closer.