Thursday, September 30, 2010

How Much Do You Share?

I'm thinking about what things to share with my future kids about my past. I'm wondering how much I should tell them about why I don't talk to my mother (if I'm still not talking to her). How much do I talk about depression and it's various appearances in my life? Do I try to describe how I feel when everything feels so hard to do, even making a sandwich? And how do you describe something like that?

Do I tell them of my weak moment a few years ago, where I considered doing something stupid and dangerous because it seemed better than just talking to my husband and admitting that I wasn't up for what he was asking me to do? Do I let them know that it's okay to find that idea scary, because I still find it scary today when I'm in a much better frame of mind?

Where do I draw the lines? Do I talk about why I've been reluctant to ask for professional help? Do I admit that a big problem is that society paints needing professional help as being weak or wrong and their mother doesn't want anyone to see her as weak? How do I let them know that this is a human failing, as is the avoidance of getting help?

I know they need to know that depression does run in my family, that if I suffer from it, even occasionally, that they could suffer from it too. I know they need to know that it's a good thing to get help, to get diagnosed, to not just suffer. I know that I need to be a good example by doing the same. I know that talking with someone would probably help my anxiety and stress levels too, especially since they are all likely related.

I know all this, but what I don't know is how much of my past am I supposed to share. How much do I say before I'm placing a burden on them instead of sharing information that they need to help their world make more sense? Where are the lines? Unfortunately, I don't think there is anyone who can tell me that. I'll have to figure it out as I go along.

But if you have some ideas as to where to start drawing some of those lines, won't you help me out?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Somedays Are a Struggle

I'm finding myself struggling lately to do basic things for myself (like eating lunch when Ace isn't here to help me find & fix something). I'm not quite sure why I'm struggling so much, but almost everything seems so big and hard that it's hard to convince myself to do much besides surf the internet all day.

And it's silly, because I know that we are getting so close to being back on our own. Ace has an interview this afternoon for a job selling houses for the builders. I'm not sure what all the job would require him to do (other than work weekends), but it's something he would enjoy and should pay enough for us to be on our own.

Even knowing this, it still seems so difficult to not spend time either at my laptop or curled up in bed with a book and an opportunity to nap. I'm not sure I want to talk to a psychiatrist, because I'd rather not have to be put on drugs. But a part of me is wondering if I might need them, because I know things aren't supposed to be this hard and I'm not supposed to be this tired all the time. I'm feeling grouchier lately too, finding it easy to get upset by Ace making innocent comments. I don't like what I'm seeing in myself and I want it to change, while at the same time wanting to shut the world out because it feels like that would be easier.

Somehow, I have a feeling easier would actually be worse for me in both the long run and the short term than just getting over myself and getting some help. I'm less than thrilled to say that any professional help will have to wait for a while, until other more urgent matters are taken care of first. Which does not mean that I plan on allowing myself to wallow in laziness, it just means I need somebody to push me to do what I know needs to be done.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Control and the Lack Thereof

I know I've been gone for 10 days (What have I been doing? Um, not much really. Fighting off depression some, playing lots of World of Warcraft, taking a day-trip to OKC, and realizing I should never watch any shows called Hoarders because they depress and overwhelm me), but I've not really had anything to say. Sometimes, there just isn't anything blog worthy going on in my life.

Ace and I talk, a lot. Yesterday, we talked about control, a subject that is somewhat hard to talk about, but is important none the less.

I had to admit that sometimes I feel bits of my fighting themselves. There's the control freak, who gets frustrated by the idea of giving up what little control I feel I have sometimes. A big part of my brain screams at me that it's wrong to let that control go and relax, because what if x or y or z happens? What will I do then?

On the other hand, I've got that part of me that feels like telling everyone and everything to go bother someone else about all this stuff. I'm not in charge, nor do I want to be. I want to relax and be stress-free for a while. And that's all well and good until the inner control freak starts freaking out that I'm giving up control.

I think we've come to the conclusion that I need to start giving up control of some things in a controlled environment (reading that sounds like I'm doing things backwards, but it's probably the best way to relax more). The situation is more about trusting that I can relax and give away some control and things will still be okay. It's hard to explain, without getting into details that I'd rather keep private, but it's important that I learn to let go.

If I can start letting go in one area, I can start letting go in another. Then I can reduce my stress levels significantly, and when I sleep at night I'll feel rested. I can't keep doing what I've done in the past and expect different results, so I need to change something.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Things I'm Grateful For

1. A husband who loves me enough to stop playing his game and cuddle with me.

2. An iPod full of good preaching.

3. Solving my mouse problem without spending more money.

4. Having access to a hot tub when I'm sore and hurting (or just wanting to get in a hot tub).

5. Knowing that God has a plan for me.

6. That my in-laws did get Ace and I shirts while they were on vacation.

7. Finding someone else who doesn't like watermelon (there are at least two of us now, and I'm not quite as weird as I once was).

8. Getting a chance to realize that my father-in-law is pretty decent in general, he's just frustrated with his wife most of the time (I think).

9. My father, step-mother, brother, and sister all love me.

10. Going to church again, even if it is just on Wednesdays for now (girl's got to have some alone time with her hubby). Especially when I hear a message I need to hear, even if my metaphorical toes are a little squished afterward.

11. Getting reminded that I need to see myself with God's eyes instead of my own (or my mother's).

12. Praise and worship.

13. That God rocks, even if my socks stay on.

14. That being grateful for one thing leads me to being grateful for something else, until I have a nice long list.

15. That I've gotten to do some amazing things in my life, including helping build 4 different church buildings, go on a cruise, and get married to an amazing man.

16. Inside jokes. (jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj) (No, I'm not explaining that joke today, that's why it's an inside joke.)

17. Having a husband that can make me laugh, even when I'm feeling like crying.

18. Having a husband who will hold me close when I'm crying.

19. Stories about kids that make me laugh and daydream about the day I'll have those same kind of stories.

20. Having a place to sort out my thoughts and share them with the world.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

In Which a Line Is Thrown

I struggled the past few days. I've been fighting off depression and doubts about myself that had been creeping up on me while I had been distracted with something else. They are sneaky like that.

Anyway, I had been trying to go to some services of a conference at a local ministry the past few nights. I skipped Wednesday night, because I was busy fight off cramps and trying to find center emotionally (my period seems to have arrived a week early, I think). It wasn't a time for trying to focus on my spiritual side. Thursday, Ace and I went to the service, and I started crying twice before the actual service started. We left before the actual service started too, and I cried part of the way home. After we got home I cried some more, and then Ace and I talked and I started to feel better.

Friday, I wasn't sure I would make it through the service. Instead, I stayed home and watched it online (something I didn't think about doing on Wednesday). I managed to make it through the whole thing without crying, so I had hopes for Saturday night. I did realize that I needed to go Saturday, no matter what. So, Saturday comes and we go to the services. We got seated on the end of a pew (which was nice because I ducked out once to try to get my emotions back under control). I had clearly been remembered (Who would forget the one person carrying a throw pillow?), since I was asked if this seemed like it would work better for me. Over all, I did well. I only cried once and didn't bother anyone when I cried.

At the end of the service, I talked to some people who greatly helped me start feeling better about life in general. One of our friends offered to put us up in their home when/if we ever go down to visit them (they live in Mississippi). In fact, they said all we needed to do was pay for the gas to get down there, so we're hoping to make it down there sometime before the year is over. Then, we talked to another friend who obviously was extremely concerned about how I have been doing. She recommended some things and I'll be taking her advice to heart.

After probably floundering around emotionally, draining both my spiritual resources and my emotional ones, I finally have a line guiding me back to the shore. I have a feeling that I got exactly what I needed from the services tonight. It helped to be reminded how much God loves me, from multiple sources. I may not be where I want to be emotionally or spiritually (or physically) yet, but I now know how to get there from where I am at. And that makes all the difference.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Swept Away by the Tide

Despite Ace and I planning copious amounts of sex while his parents have been gone, it hasn't really happened. Mostly because we are both kind of lazy at times. Also, it's hard to get in the mood when there is a ton of stuff around. The abundance of TV channels hasn't helped either.

Instead, I've ended up on an emotional roller-coaster. I've been fighting off depression, or something equally bad, for most of the past week and a half. I'm wanting to just lay around and not do much. Starting my period today hasn't helped either.

I feel like I've been unexpectedly swept away by the tide of my emotions. I'm struggling, trying to find where the shore is again. It's difficult to hold on to any hope when this happens.

So, I'm going to try to hold on for now and wait for my hormones to calm back down some.

Saturday, September 4, 2010


One of the things I love the most about reading my cousins' blogs is that they say things that make me think. They talk their way through their thought process and occasionally say something that spark a desire for me to come here and post something where I'm working my way through my thought process.

One of my cousins is struggling with transitioning mentally between being true to herself and being a mother. She's trying to figure all of it out and is wondering if anyone transitions to motherhood painlessly (not talking labor here, just going from being wife to wife and mother). I think she's fairly certain that no one does.

It's got me thinking. I'm not sure that the metamorphosis has to be painful, but I think that most women find themselves transitioning somewhat suddenly. There wasn't a lot of planning or waiting for their children. It seems that, for me at least, the idea of being a mother and transitioning into doing what needs to be done in that role are things that are longed for, even when I know that there are things that I won't love doing. The person/people I would be doing them for make it worth it.

I hesitate to say that I speak for anyone else. It seems, based on things I've read elsewhere, that my desires are not isolated to just me. But just because I feel this way doesn't mean everyone else does. I think that while my cousin is struggling with her transition, I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm being held back from mine. I guess these differences are the type of things that keeps the world interesting.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

New Day, Old Tune

Earlier (like over 12 hours ago) I started talking about stuff that I've talked about before. Ace, while patient at first, eventually got to the point where he wanted me to stop focusing on negative stuff.

It seems I have a problem from time to time where I want to go back over stuff I can't do anything about and talk/complain/analyze it all over again as if I'll find something different than I've found in the past. It's stupid and pointless and something I'd talk to a therapist about if I had one, but I don't because they would probably want to start with having me rehash all my past that is better left alone.

Surprisingly, I am much less stressed, despite rehashing old stuff. It was kind of helped me to see what characteristics the important people in my life have and what characteristics just hold me back. I don't need to spend a lot of time around people who tell me what they think I should do about my relationship with my mother. They don't realize that I've already grieved for my losses there and am trying to move past the regrets that I have for letting her hurt me as long as I did. They don't know that I'm doing the best I can to protect me and my family.

I've told Ace more than once that part of me wishes my mother had been physically abusive instead of just emotionally abusive. If she had hit me, there would be a lot fewer people who would suggest I endure/recreate a relationship with her, because they would understand that physical abuse is wrong. Emotional abuse is just as bad though. There are no scars to show, but that doesn't mean there are no scars. Emotional abuse is harder to get past, because you need people building you up to undo the tearing down. It takes a long time to start feeling mostly whole, and I still have days where I see my flaws more clearly than my attributes. Healing seems to be an unending process.

I feel blessed to have found Ace. He's so supportive and caring. He's being more patient than he feels like while trying to let me sort through everything. He's doing good at not just telling me to get over it, even though there are times I'm sure he'd like to. He offers constructive criticism to help me become a better person and offers solutions instead of just pointing out the problems. I recognize that I'm blessed to have not fallen into the trap of dating/marrying an abusive man, potentially thinking that I deserved no better for myself. I recognize that I was blessed with a strong spirit, to not survive but thrive in life despite the bad times.

I'm rambling and rehashing stuff again. I should probably be in bed, asleep, instead of sitting on a couch and writing about all of this. But I'm not sure I'd have been able to sleep without trying to get my thoughts on these subjects organized in such a way that I can acknowledge those thoughts and dismiss them, either forever or for another time. Now that I've done that, I think I hear a bed calling me.