Thursday, September 2, 2010

New Day, Old Tune

Earlier (like over 12 hours ago) I started talking about stuff that I've talked about before. Ace, while patient at first, eventually got to the point where he wanted me to stop focusing on negative stuff.

It seems I have a problem from time to time where I want to go back over stuff I can't do anything about and talk/complain/analyze it all over again as if I'll find something different than I've found in the past. It's stupid and pointless and something I'd talk to a therapist about if I had one, but I don't because they would probably want to start with having me rehash all my past that is better left alone.

Surprisingly, I am much less stressed, despite rehashing old stuff. It was kind of helped me to see what characteristics the important people in my life have and what characteristics just hold me back. I don't need to spend a lot of time around people who tell me what they think I should do about my relationship with my mother. They don't realize that I've already grieved for my losses there and am trying to move past the regrets that I have for letting her hurt me as long as I did. They don't know that I'm doing the best I can to protect me and my family.

I've told Ace more than once that part of me wishes my mother had been physically abusive instead of just emotionally abusive. If she had hit me, there would be a lot fewer people who would suggest I endure/recreate a relationship with her, because they would understand that physical abuse is wrong. Emotional abuse is just as bad though. There are no scars to show, but that doesn't mean there are no scars. Emotional abuse is harder to get past, because you need people building you up to undo the tearing down. It takes a long time to start feeling mostly whole, and I still have days where I see my flaws more clearly than my attributes. Healing seems to be an unending process.

I feel blessed to have found Ace. He's so supportive and caring. He's being more patient than he feels like while trying to let me sort through everything. He's doing good at not just telling me to get over it, even though there are times I'm sure he'd like to. He offers constructive criticism to help me become a better person and offers solutions instead of just pointing out the problems. I recognize that I'm blessed to have not fallen into the trap of dating/marrying an abusive man, potentially thinking that I deserved no better for myself. I recognize that I was blessed with a strong spirit, to not survive but thrive in life despite the bad times.

I'm rambling and rehashing stuff again. I should probably be in bed, asleep, instead of sitting on a couch and writing about all of this. But I'm not sure I'd have been able to sleep without trying to get my thoughts on these subjects organized in such a way that I can acknowledge those thoughts and dismiss them, either forever or for another time. Now that I've done that, I think I hear a bed calling me.

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