Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I woke up feeling cold. Despite having a blanket over me, I could tell it was cold in the house.

It turns out that my mother-in-law was feeling hot at some point and TURNED OFF THE HEATER when the weather wasn't going to get over 50 degrees.

I understand turning down the heat some. I understand turning on a fan. I do not understand turning the heater off.

This is the kind of insanity I keep having to deal with. And things like this are what have got me fighting off depression, because I can't do anything about this kind of thing.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

She's So Nosy

My in-laws went out of town for roughly 8 hours today. Ace and I used that time to have sex and then sleep. It was nice.

Apparently, my mother-in-law asked if we did anything fun or exciting while they were out of town. I don't know what, if any, answer she received to that question.

I do know that it feels more and more like she's fishing to find out if we are having sex when they are away from us. It would feel less creepy that she was asking about our sex life if Ace weren't her son. As it is, it's really throwing me off balance.

I would like to state now that my love life is none of my mother-in-law's business. I doubt that will keep her from asking, but it makes me feel moderately better.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

(Not So) Easily Distracted

One problem with depression is that the cycle of thoughts to get depressed is easily self-sustaining. Of course, sometimes I have random bouts of depression that weren't brought on by my obvious thoughts.

If only it was as easy to lead myself back to the surface. Part of the problem is that it takes more energy to see the positives than to see the negatives and depression saps my energy (seriously, I've been exhausted for the better part of the past two days for no apparent reason as to why).

It doesn't help matters that I've been easily distracted lately. Seriously, I keep getting caught up in a screen saver right now. I have no idea why I'm finding it interesting, but I am.

If depression was just feeling sad, I think it would be easier to handle. Instead, it feels like someone else has taken over my body. I'm still here, but everything requires more effort to do than it normally would.

I think Ace is slightly concerned that if he weren't around to make sure I ate that I'd just let myself starve because the effort to make a sandwich would be too great. I don't think I would starve, but I'd stay hungry for a lot longer than necessary. I think Ace is mostly frustrated that he can't just fix the problem for me. But he tries to help.

I'm going to go now. I think my mind is too busy wondering off to other things to let me write too much more.(That screen saver surely isn't as interesting as my mind keeps telling me it is.)

Monday, March 21, 2011


I've been a little lost lately. Everything has been hard and difficult. I drifted away from my shore without realizing I was moving anywhere.

I've been trying to find happiness and joy, but they've seemed elusive. And I can't pinpoint what it is that has me feeling so lost.

So, I'm going to work on fighting off depression.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

They Just Don't Get It

I was relaxing, watching TV with Ace when suddenly there was a gruff voice yelling that I needed to help with dinner. My father-in-law decided that I needed to do something around here, I guess. Then I hear what I swear is the knob starting to turn, but could potentially have been a knock. This happens while I'm changing my pants, so I quickly get behind Ace's chair (so he at least has some potential to block me from view), while Ace yells out to wait a minute.

Ace and I spare a quick glance at each other before I leave the bedroom to see if the other is just as outraged as we are. I go help with something, ask Ace to help with vacuuming up some stuff, and sit back down to stew.

I ended up boycotting dinner. I wasn't particularly hungry (first day of my period always seems to see a decrease in my appetite), was still feeling minor cramps, and didn't feel like I'd be good company for my in-laws. Ace understood completely and didn't push. He attempted to do some explaining to my somewhat irate father-in-law, but was ignored.

I've moved past my anger, as that is unproductive. But I'm still upset and frustrated at how I was treated. Ace is also frustrated with his parents. One of the biggest problems with the whole situation is that his mother didn't ask for help herself, she (or my father-in-law) just expected us to know what was going on outside our room and start helping. This isn't the first time that the big problem, in my in-law's opinion, that popped up could have been avoided by some communication on my mother-in-law's part.

She won't ask us to help and then gets my father-in-law all worked up because she's trying to do too much when we didn't even know she needed help. But it's apparently our fault for not being more social or psychic.

I'm fairly sure that my in-laws just don't get why these things are a problem. They wouldn't understand why I was so angry about being ordered to help cook dinner (they wouldn't admit that I was ordered to help with dinner). They don't get why Ace is fine with me not "helping out" around here or pushing me to get a job. They don't get why my relationship with my spouse works. And I know they don't get that they are pushing away their son every time something like this happens.

My in-laws also don't seem to get that my mother-in-law is NOT the only one around here who has pain. I don't talk about my back pain much, as it wouldn't do any good to focus solely on that. But it doesn't mean that it's not very real and that it doesn't affect my life. They probably think I'm faking the pain, or at least playing it up. But that's because they don't know me. And right now, I think I'm fine with that.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

An Exercise in Futility

Ace and I are still trying to figure out what we can do with this cell phone (the one that was sent to us but not activated). Ace doesn't want to spend money to return the phone to the company and we aren't getting anywhere with them when we try to call.

On the plus side, they've not charged us for the phone, but that just adds to the frustration. We have a phone that we can't do anything with, including trying to sell it because we don't want to give someone else a headache over it. There are no notes on the order about the problems that popped up with this phone, so any time Ace calls he has to explain it all over again.

So, as the 30 days that we are supposed to have to be able to send it back with no problems draws closer to an end, we are stuck with a cell phone that isn't usable because somebody somewhere messed up.

You can't make these kinds of things up, it sounds too stupid to be true. And yet it is. Calling the cell phone company seems to be an exercise in futility. Maybe if we try going back by a store and asking them to send it back for us will finally solve the problem. If not, then at least we will have exhausted all the obvious options we have towards fixing someone else's mistake.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Desserts Spelled Backwards Is Stressed

My in-laws seem to be trying to see if they can create a twitch in me. They are trying to run our lives without having all the facts. And it's stressing me out some.

I battle with depression sometimes, a fact I've never tried to hide here, but I've not really talked about with any of my in-laws. It's not really their business and they would try the wrong things to "help" and would probably send me deeper into a depression. I manage well, and without professional or medical help. That's not to say that I would ever refuse counseling or medication, but I generally don't really need it and I don't have a huge struggle with depression.

My mother-in-law, in a misguided effort to help us get on our own, has been looking up inexpensive housing and asking us about what our bare bones needs are. She doesn't understand that recreation is a need (or that we spend less money on gas for our car by Ace playing World of Warcraft). She has a few fact about how things are, but she doesn't know the whole picture. She doesn't know what things we could safely drop and what things need to stay in place.

I'm not sure if it's because my in-laws are just as ready for us to be out of here as we are or if it's really just an attempt to help us, but it's not helping me. It's causing Ace and I to rehash conversations we've already had (mostly about why neither of us really wants to declare bankruptcy). It's draining my energy, which is already depleted because I'm trying to get my body on some kind of schedule. It's pushing me towards depression.

My in-laws keep wondering why we don't like spending time with them, but they keep bringing up negative things (and most of them things Ace and I have discussed, made a decision on, and moved past already when it comes to our lives). When they aren't offering help that brings stress, they are watching TV shows we don't watch because they are too dark emotionally for me to handle.

I understand that Ace and I living here with my in-laws can't be easy on them, but it's not exactly a walk in the park for us either. I have to put up with backwards insults to my cooking abilities, remarks about what kind of parent I'll be IF I ever become a parent, a lack of communication about things that truly affect my life (like if I need to eat while my in-laws are out because they are going to dinner), and disparaging remarks about my dearly loved spouse because he isn't what his parents want him to be. Oh, and then there are the demands that we (or Ace) be able to drop anything he's doing at a moment's notice to help with anything they can come up with (including changing a light bulb).

Ace has been trying his best to placate his parents with a lot of stuff while shouldering most of the burden himself so that I don't have to put up with their complaints. The man is wonderful, because there have been a few days where I'm sure he was ready to scream, but was patient with me and my back when it was added on top of the already hectic day he had had. There's only been once that he's asked me to just not ask for anything for a while, and I could understand why.

Ace and I try to focus on a positive future. We talk about what our plans are for when we are on our own again. We talk about what food we want in our fridge, how we want to get back into shape, and how nice it will be to be sleeping on our queen-sized mattress again. We try to not pull ourselves down by focusing on all our debts (we know they are there, but we can't do a lot about them right now anyway). Ace knows that it'll just cause more emotional problems than it could ever potentially fix to talk about what we might be able to do.

No one besides Ace and I know our full situation (okay, God also knows, but He knows all). We both feel like this topic is one that's best kept private. We both know what decisions we would make differently if we could, but we can't. So, we are focusing on where we are now and where we want to go. And we'd both appreciate it if my in-laws would keep their noses out of our business.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Answer Will Always Be No

Dear mother-in-law,

No, we won't go to your church with you. We will never go to church with you. The answer when you ask will always be no.

Stop asking!


P.S.: We'll go to our own kind of church when we go to a church. Leave our spiritual lives to us.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

An Open Letter to Rachael Ray

Dear Rachael Ray,

I'm sure you are a lovely woman. The little I've seen of any of your shows you've seemed sweet. Personally, I have no ill will towards you or your shows.

However, I do have a bone to pick with you. My mother-in-law loves your talk show. She loves talking about your talk show, so I get to hear WAY more about it than I'd care to. I am not a big fan of talk shows, so I don't watch your (or any one else's) talk show.

My mother-in-law thinks she can do what you can do in your kitchen, Ms. Ray. The real problem is that she cannot. She doesn't have the capability to stand long enough to cook food like you do. She also has a family that would be content to eat much simpler and easier to prepare food. It's not that we would hate your style of cooking, we just are used to more meat and potatoes kinds of dishes.

My husband, Ace, and I are both ready to never hear your name again. It's nothing personal, it's just that my mother-in-law has made a habit of saying it several times a week. I'm fairly certain my father-in-law is tired of hearing about your show too.

Rachael Ray, if I never hear your name again that would be fine with me. I hope you do well in your hosting/cooking careers. I hope you gain satisfaction from your jobs. I hope you get all the wealth and fame you desire. I hope your products sell tons (I won't be buying any, but it's more the principle of the thing). I just hope that my mother-in-law stops watching your show, or at least stops talking about it so often.

I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only person in the house to feel the same way. And when I have a place of my own again, your shows will be banned from viewing (the only other show banned is Barney, so you join some illustrious company for annoying me). I make no guarantees that you'll stay banned forever (Barney will be, he's gives me the creeps), but I doubt I'll ever truly be interested in your shows.

So, Rachael Ray, I bid you a good life. I'll not miss you when you are gone from mine.

M.A. Smith

P.S.: Despite my mother-in-law's thoughts, I don't need my meatloaf to last more than one meal. And if it does, it doesn't need to be put between two slices of bread in order for me to enjoy it.

P.P.S.: Sorry, my mother-in-law got to me at dinner, talking about leftover meatloaf and Rachael Ray. Thank goodness my father-in-law steered the conversation a different direction!