Monday, May 31, 2010


Lately it seems like my emotions are all jumbled up. I can't seem to feel just one thing at a time (other than pain, but that's not an emotion). Everything is tinged with something else (tinged is a great word).

My thoughts aren't feeling very linear either. They go off in different directions. I'm feeling easily distracted.

It's left me swinging back and forth between being quiet and rambling on and on about nothing in particular while jumping topics way too often (Is that just a girl thing?).

My book, the one I'm supposed to be writing, is waiting until Ace and I are living on our own, because the whole thing seems to have taken a leave of absence (Without permission! My book is AWOL!). I'm hoping that getting back on our own, surrounding ourselves with only our things will help me focus again. For now, it's looking to be sometime in July before we are going to be able to move, so my original plan on writing the whole book this year looks to be torpedoed.

So, yeah. I've been trying to organize my thoughts in some way, but it's been hard. And now I'm off to some other distracting thing, because that's what I've been doing lately.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Sometimes I Forget About the Big Picture

Overall, I'm more of a big picture person. I look at my life and realize how fortunate I am, how many things I've managed to accumulate over the years, how much my husband loves and cares for me, how blessed I truly am.

Occasionally, I let circumstances take over my view and forget that in general my problems are all very temporary and minor. I've never had to sleep in a car or on the street, I've never lacked clothes or clean water, I've rarely had to skip a meal, and I'm generally healthy (even with back problems). My life, despite sometimes seeming hard, is in actuality a very easy one.

When I start focusing on the things I don't like, I start feeling like I'm doing nothing but waiting. And while it's true that waiting has been a large part of my life, I'm usually doing something while I'm waiting.

Lately, I've been focused on how much I want to be moved out of my in-laws house (for many various reasons, only one of which is so Ace and I can have more sex). I've been focused on how much I want a new cell phone (I should have one in a little over a month, unless something more important comes up before then). I've been focused too much on me and my situation.

I read a lot of blogs (be patient, this part is important). I read about lots of other people's lives. I feel a little bit of their sorrows and a lot of their joy (at least, that's the plan). I get reminded about what is important in life and what isn't. Sometimes, I get reminded that my life isn't really that hard and that my complaints are silly when viewed against other people's problems.

Genuine complaints, like sleeping in the right position and waking up with a sore back, don't feel so much like whining. Complaints about having to carry a sucky cell phone for a month or two does. And while I'm normally a big picture person, sometimes I forget about the big picture because I'm focused on the small details. Maybe since I've acknowledged the problem, I can start to fix it.

Monday, May 24, 2010

It's Fixed, But Not Part 2

Because it was way past time for Ace to go to bed (and I was still sitting on his bed/the couch), I forgot to mention what time I finished getting my laptop fixed.

Ace got home from work at 7:22 that night. I was finally finished adding files/games/whatever around 8:40. People, I spent the better part of 10 hours trying to get my laptop to work right and be fully fixed.

I'm working on adjusting to the stuff I can't seem to adjust quite right by myself (all superficial problems that I can get used to, but it's just different). It's still throwing me, but I no longer have to have my text set to a size 15 font to easily read it (12 is plenty large now).

Saturday, I stopped working on my laptop for lunch, to stretch/get yogurt/take painkillers, and to eat dinner. The biggest things I realized is that I have way too many links I don't go to much and that reformatting my hard-drive stresses me out way more than it probably should.

So, now you know all you need to about how I spent my Saturday (and then some, I'm sure).

It's Fixed, But Not

Saturday, I spent the day reformatting my hard drive (again). I got to my laptop at 10:50, and after briefly checking my e-mail, I got to work.

After 2 hours of letting my computer slowly reformat, I was ready to start adding back to my laptop again. I added back in my favorite web browser (because I'm like that). I added back in my anti-virus software (instead of the one that it came with). I added back in the Office products I'd use. Then, I set about adding my bookmarks again (smartly I had made a list).

Then, after more restarts felt strictly necessary throughout the process, I started adding games back to my computer. Since I'm currently not playing WoW (for various reasons, only one of which is financial), I skipped adding that back to my computer. That has left me plenty of space to add multiple other games that had been removed before for space for WoW (my hard drive just didn't have the space for all of them).

While I now have a better computer, it's still somewhat off. Some websites aren't showing up. Some games I like to play online aren't looking quite the same (they take up more room on my monitor than they used to).

So my computer, which was running rather slow, is fixed, except where it's not.

And now, I'm off to bed, as it is nearly 1:30 A.M. and Ace wants sleep before going to work tomorrow.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Hilarity of Spam Part 9

In lieu of me thinking of a whole post by myself, I'm back to mocking my spam. Maybe soon I'll be back writing all on my own.

>Good day,

Good day.

>This is to inform you that I am a delegate from the United Nations >Compensation Commission, This is to notify you finally about the
>outstanding settlement of your compensation which is being given out by
>the United Nations Compensation Commission. This compensation is being
>made to all victims that have lost their money through any online
>transactions or as a result of Scam activities. It has come to our notice
>that many of you have lost your money by falling victim to some internet

At the end of sentences, most people put periods. This spammer decided on a comma at the end of the first sentence. Interesting choice. Then, no commas around the word finally even though it would make sense. Does the UN have a Compensation Commission? (If you look it up, would you please let me know.) I haven't lost any money to fraudsters.

>As a result of this scam activities spreading over the internet, the
>United Nations Human Settlements Programme, UN-HABITAT have decided to get
>details of most victims who were previously scammed by these fraudsters.

Does the UN use English spelling? Why would the UN Human Settlements Program be called UN-HABITAT? Also, I'm still not a victim who was scammed.

>Your outstanding Compensation Cheque payment of $2,759,389 USD is to help
>settle all your debts and start a new business.

Although if they want to send me the Compensation Check (or Cheque), I'll be happy to take it. Over two million dollars would definitely settle my debts.

>We have concluded all the necessary arrangements towards the release of
>your settlement Check sum of $2,759,389 USD with the financial committee
>of the United Nations Human Settlements Programme in collaboration with
>the United Parcel Service LTD (UPS) Nigeria, to deliver the check sum of
>$2,759,389 USD which is registered with Ref No: UNCC 89-5162/UPS to your
>Compensation Check Parcel.

They don't know my name, but they've gotten everything cleared for my check. Sure, why shouldn't I buy that? Oh, because my brain works. Also, why are they switching to check now? Why didn't they change it to program if the were changing to check? Is the UPS in Nigeria? Why would UPS Nigeria have anything to do with this?

>You are therefore to contact the United Parcel Service LTD (UPS) Nigeria,
>with the below information in order to claim your compensation check.

Shouldn't these spammers be able to tell UPS Nigeria who I am? And once they used mentioned what UPS stood for (as if I didn't already know), they didn't need to say it again in the next paragraph/sentence.

>Take note that we have not pay for the shipment of your Check Parcel as
>you will be required to pay the shipping/handling charges for your
>compensation check to be deliverd to you.

The English in this paragraph is not so great (have not pay doesn't make sense). Shouldn't they have been able to take the shipping/handling out of the check before they set everything up? How are things deliverd?

>Direct Telephone Number:

Name: You should know this already, spammer.
Address: It's in your database with my name.
City: With my address.
State: With my city.
Country: Elbonia. Or with my State. Or, shouldn't my city and state tell you which country? (multiple choice answer)
Direct Telephone Number: With my name & address.

>United Parcel Service Nigeria LTD
>Plot 781 Emeka Anyaoku Street
>Area Eleven Garki
>Tel: +234-813-643-9535

Okay, now I'm confused. Is the LTD supposed to be before or after the word Nigeria? I give no promises that any of this information is correct.

>Accept our regards.
>Deese Ruth
>UN-HABITAT Information Officer

Thanks for your regards, but I don't know what to do with them.
M.A. Smith
Housewife & Generally Well Informed Person

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Growing Up... Still Hard To Do

Ace and I talked recently about what we need to do when we've got health insurance again (I think tonight I need to ask when we'll have health insurance again, since it is available through his job). One thing is to definitely get me back to the chiropractor's office regularly again.

Another plan is to start getting tested to find out why we don't have children (started my period, as I expected). To find out if Ace's sperm count is fine and if all my lady bits work properly. To find out if we need help getting pregnant (or staying pregnant) or if I need to just RELAX already and continue to be patient.

There's a part of me that wants to be either done with the testing or doing the testing now, just so that I'll know and things, hopefully, won't be just big question marks. There's another part of me that dreads the idea of being poked and prodded just to find out that nothing is specifically wrong, and there just aren't any answers to why we're still waiting.

Facing the idea that there is something wrong is hard, especially since I seem to be having trouble convincing my mind that I'm really turning 30 this year so this is important to address as soon as possible. I don't know that there is, but I know that I can't rule it out. It seems like this is another part of the growing up process, a part I thought I had already gone through (around the time my back started protesting where I was sleeping). The idea of even testing feels like I'm saying that something is wrong with me, even though I know that's not true.

As Ace likes to remind me, if all else fails, there's still adoption (something we are eventually planning to do anyway). I doubt my in-laws will have problems with us adopting, other than trying to warn us of any downfalls (and being extremely negative about us adopting a wonderful child). So far, that knowledge doesn't help a lot.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Hilarity of Spam Part 8

The subject of this e-mail was ATTENTION YOUR AUDIENCE IS NEEDED!! The subject line alone interested me, since I know that I don't have much of an audience. But, since you were needed, how could I resist.


Hello. I normally use punctuation after my greetings when writing someone.

>On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Jürge
>Krügger. I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter was returned
>undelivered. I wish to notify you that late Engr. Jürge Krügger made you
>a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Thirty Million, One Hundred
>Thousand Dollars (USD$30, 100.000.00) to you in the Codicil and last
>testament to his WILL.

I've never heard of the Late Engr. Jürge Krügger (Is Late part of his name?). Also, your first sentence was a sentence fragment. I'm not fully sure the second sentence actually makes sense. Does WILL stand for something? If not, why did you randomly capitalize it? Why do all spam e-mails randomly capitalize words? This trend is starting to bug me.

>This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true.
>Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the
>past or simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends
>abroad who wished you good. Engr. Jürge Krügger until his death was a
>member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic &
>Electrical Engineers.

It does sound strange and unbelievable, and I doubt that it's real and true. I don't know anyone who lives abroad really (not anyone that knows me well enough to suggest that I should get so much money, when they could use it more, I'm sure). Wouldn't this random guy be more likely to leave his money to someone he knows well, instead of some random person mentioned by one of those numerous friends abroad? Why not leave this money to one of the societies or institutes he was a member of, since he obviously cared about them?

>According to him this money is to support your humanitarian activities
>and to help the poor and the needy in our society. Please if I reach you
>as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable
>me conclude my job. I hope to hear from you in no distant time.

Does he know that I have any humanitarian activities? What if I need to help myself first (I have debts I'd be happy to pay off and I'd love to buy a house and furnish it first). How does he know that I'm not poor and needy? In which society am I to help the poor and needy? I'm not in any hurry to endeavor to get back to this person, who thus far has no name (nor knew my name). Good luck hearing from me, I'm not feeling any rush to be told I need to pay $XX to get "my inheritance."

>Note: You are advised to contact me by email: >

Note: I don't care about getting in contact. You're e-mail doesn't make sense.

>I await your prompt response.

Keep waiting.

>Yours in Service,

Not falling for it,

>Caroline Addison
>Attorney at Law
>Allen & Overy LLP, UK

M.A. Smith
blah, blah, blah
Tulsa, OK

Friday, May 14, 2010

Waiting Again, Naturally

I'm finding myself thinking in posts lately (this isn't really related to waiting, I just thought I'd share this first). I wonder if there is anyone else out there who thinks like this, or do they all think in Tweets?

Anyway, lately things have been about waiting. Waiting for Monday, so Ace can start his job. Waiting on a phone call to find out if I'll be working in a library (in a different, but nearby town). Waiting to find out if I'll start my period or if my sleepiness lately will become a slightly more long term thing. Waiting for Ace to get paid so we can move out and live on our own.

Waiting seems to be my natural state anymore. I always seem to be waiting for something. Right now, we seem to be, finally, headed back to where we were shortly after we were married. Living together, slowly accumulating the things you accumulate in marriage (tvs, pots, pans, movies). While we have some things still (laptops, books, clothes), there is still a lot we are going to have to replace (sheets, towels, pots, pans dress clothes, my bras).

We're so close to being independent again. It's hard to talk about, because it feels like if I say something, it will go away and I'll be stuck here, in my in-laws living room, for a long time. It won't though. I'm sure I'll feel a lot better when I start seeing Ace bringing home income and us sleeping in the same bed. It'll be real then, instead of seeming like some fantasy like it does now.

But until that happens, I'll be waiting.

P.S.: I've several junk e-mails to mock, I just haven't had the desire to do so lately. My plan is to post one tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Ace is employed once again. He's going to be selling cars for a place that places no pressure on customers to buy.

Right now, we're both in a celebratory mood.

According to the hiring manager (Ace called earlier, wondering about if he got the job), he thought they had called Ace last week and told him he had the job. Since nobody had, it was decided he starts next Monday (why he has to wait almost a week, I don't know, but I don't care too much right now).

Anyway, celebrate with us. We're about to have income coming in again! Soon, we'll be out of my in-laws house and back on our own!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day

A few hours ago, it was still Mother's Day (it's a little after 1 am, so it was only a couple of hours ago, I guess) so it's still on my mind. It was an odd day for me. My emotions have been wonky all day.

For the most part, it was a good day. Ace and I had sex, I took 2 naps (one was only about 15 minutes long), and we had a nice lunch with most of Ace's family (our sister-in-law had me laughing through lunch, a nice way to spend the day). I wished my step-mother and my mother-in-law both a happy day. I enjoyed watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and crying through it.

And yet, a part of me is hurting and my emotions are stretched to the limit tonight. It was a tough day. It was like being reminded that I'm not someone's mother yet, that my day wasn't supposed to be special.

Ace and I talked. We made a decision. After we have medical insurance again, we'll talk to the doctors and find out why we aren't parents yet. Ace, in his wonderful and honest way, told me that he hoped that if there is a problem, it's with him so that I won't feel guilty. It's obvious how much this man loves me, and I know he knows how much I love him.

So, that's where we are at the end of the day. A little emotionally sensitive, but we've made it through and we're going to face everything together. Right now, this minute, it may not be much, but it's enough.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The World Continues to Turn

Life is odd. Today, Ace and I are waiting, still, to hear back from somewhere he got called for a drug test and background check. Since we don't do drugs and he told them about his credit problems before hand, we have no doubts that we will hear back and he'll start training soon. Background checks can apparently take a while.

In the mean time, we are trying to keep busy with other stuff, life stuff. We are planning what we need to buy with money from his paychecks so that we can get back out on our own as soon as possible. It's a longer list than I would like it to be.

This month, neither of us expects me to get pregnant. We have trouble getting any time alone here in my in-laws house. The best times we have alone are in the car, going someplace. A car is not exactly romantic, so romance hasn't really been happening too much. I blame my shoulder in part for not helping in the little bit of alone time we have had.

It's frustrating to not feel like we're really at home. It doesn't seem fair, but there is little we can do right now. We are grateful that Ace's parents have taken us in, but we really never wanted to have to live here (again).

On the other hand, things are turning around. Ace does have a job that should guarantee us enough income to be on our own again. The job I may potentially get (with a library, yay!) should cover the costs of me having my own car. If that's all it does, we'll be satisfied. Most of the point would be for me to get job experience somewhere I would enjoy working.

2010 is looking up. Even if the up part feels like it's taking forever to get here (days are moving by a bit slow to me right now). Change is coming, but it's good change. Yay, change!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Unbridled Joy

Today, Jenna made an announcement. Since I found out, about 5 minutes ago, I've been unable to stop smiling.

In the past, I may have had mixed emotions. But knowing her story, I'm filled with nothing but joy. Unbridled joy.

I'll say it again: Congratulations to the entire Woestman family! Ace and I are thrilled for you.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A Long Wait & A Somewhat Minor Change

Earlier, Ace had an interview and was gone for almost 4 hours because of it. It turns out that there was a group part and then individual interviews and it took him a while to be called back for the individual part (and he didn't think to call and let us know he was waiting). It was a rather long 4 hours.

Then, a short while ago, my mother-in-law cut my hair. I finally have my hair much shorter, which makes me happy. I'd been wanting a haircut, but had been having issues with finding the money to pay someone to cut it (and I"m not brave enough to try to cut it myself). Ace and I were both nervous about the idea of him cutting my hair, so it was just pulled back and left that way for a long while.

And now, I have told you about the exciting parts of my day.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

The More Things Don't Change, The More My Emotions Do

To start, I'd like to apologize for the long title and the long absence. I've been trying to work some things out in my head. When I was wanting to write last night, it wouldn't have been appropriate, as Ace was sleeping and taking up the space I would have been sleeping in.

It has been determined that the more we stay here, in my in-laws house, the more my emotions get messed up and the more I feel down on days I start hearing things are turning around for us. It's been frustrating.

Part of the problem is that my in-laws question us about everything and then my father-in-law says something negative about anything potentially positive. It's hard to remain looking on the bright side when someone is trying to pull your reasonable expectations down. We're muddling through for now.

I'm hoping, and somewhat expecting, that today we'll go see my dad and step-mom. They should help put some positive spin back on our lives. We've got to get some stuff out of their garage, but it will be nice just to see them again. It's been longer than we would like for it to have been.

I'm going to go. I've got other things to deal with, and right now writing doesn't seem to be helping.