Thursday, March 29, 2012

3-5 Business Days

Earlier, Ace and I remembered to check to see if my laptop was still under warranty (and if the cord was covered). It was (and is).

I'll be back on my own computer in 3-5 business days.

Hopefully Ace and I can survive that without driving each other crazy about Ace's desktop.

See you in 3 to 5 business days!

P.S.: Hormones tried to dominate me this month, but they were no match for the stress levels in my life currently. Cramps still suck (as if I had forgotten that).

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Sharing a Computer

Right now, my laptop is sitting around collecting dust. It would work well as a paper-weight, but not as a laptop. The reason why is that the cord has stopped charging the battery back up (there was a crimp in the cord or something similar that caused it to stop providing power).

So, Ace and I are sharing a computer. It's been interesting to realize what I miss from my now limited internet access. Mostly, I miss having the options to talk to Ace through a messenger service and the ability to entertain myself with movies/music/whatever on demand. Not spending the time online isn't as big a problem, but it has lead to me being more interested in the TV being on (it's something besides just books or magazines or playing a hand-held solitaire game).

I've been struggling, slightly, with not feeling like it's all my fault my laptop is suddenly temporarily useless. My last laptop went 4 years with one cord with no problems, despite being used in a similar manner, so I know it's not that I'm just extremely hard on laptop cords. Ace is frustrated with the maker's of the laptop since they obviously did not do well enough on making a good cord.

Hopefully, I will soon have my laptop back. Until then, my posts may be scarce. I've got too much to do online in too short a time frame to come by here as regularly as I would like (on the plus side, I do have my own profile on Ace's desktop now, so we won't get nearly as frustrated with each other while sharing the computer). And hopefully I'll continue to not suffer too much from my lack of a connection. I expect my iPod to get a lot more use for a while.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Distracted by The Doctor

I did not mean to not post for a few days, but I've been distracted lately. I've been watching Doctor Who (season 6) on Netflix. I am all caught up (except the 2010 Christmas special, because it's not available).

Everyone says you never forget your first Doctor, and they are right. But I think Matt Smith is my Doctor, even though he's not my first Doctor. He does such a good job balancing the happiness and the pain that comes from his position. He's less serious most of the time, but he still saves the day. He's perfect, in an imperfect way.

Doctor Who, like all British shows, reminds me how backwards America is on TV. Most of our TV stars look prettier than most of the general population. I'm not saying that it's 100% the case, but most of the time Americans are looking at people who seem more perfect physically. In Britain, most of the people in their shows look like anybody you would see down the street. And I kind of love it. I wish America would do a bit more of that.

Anyway, I've been distracted by The Doctor lately. So, that's where I've been (Not feeling depressed and crying my eyes out. Laughing and cringing and facing some fears that I didn't realize needed facing until suddenly, they are faced.).

What have you been distracted by lately?

Monday, March 19, 2012

There Are Things Words Can't Say

I've made no secret that Ace and I are trying to have kids. I've probably posted more about my frustrations with that than I really should have. Believe me, most of the posts were probably only showing about half of my emotions.

There are just some things that words can't fully express. The hurt or the longing for something that seems oddly just out of reach. The frustration and pain caused by people announcing their pregnancies and saying things like "We weren't trying, it was a surprise." It's amazing how things that should just bring you joy can cut you deeper than a knife.

I've kept from telling people how much it hurt to hear they were pregnant. They shouldn't have their joy doused by my pain. It's my issue to deal with, not theirs. And while they might have tried to be a bit more tactful if they had known, it would feel like I was asking a lot of someone.

It's always been amazing to me how many different emotions would come up with someone's announcement. Joy, pain, longing, happiness, tears, a desire to pull away, a desire to protect myself from the pain, jealousy. All these emotions, swirling around, usually with extra hormones running through my system. And these words, while they tell you the things I was feeling, don't tell you how deeply they were felt. How ridiculous I felt feeling them all.

I have no announcement today. Other than that I try to not dwell on any of the negative emotions. They keep me from focusing on the blessings that surround me. I'm not saying that hearing one of my relatives announce something doesn't still hurt some part of me, but I push that hurt away. I focus on the good. And I spend some time cuddling with Ace.

Anyone who's ever been in my situation knows how I've felt. Frustration isn't a strong enough word. None of them are. But you also know that you can't stay feeling frustrated. It's unproductive. And besides, life won't let you. The world doesn't actually stop just because we are hurting.

I don't know that I have any real goal with this post. I think I just need to express this to the universe. My words, while important, are inadequate. I apologize for that. They are the only words I have to try to explain, and these words can't say everything I'm trying to express. Unfortunately, in this situation, words are not enough.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go hug my husband.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

There's a First Time for Everything

Not too long ago, I entered a contest to win a cookbook. It was on Aiming Low and I was hoping that I might win. I've never won anything I've entered online before, but I figured the worst that would happen is that I entered and didn't win again.

Well, turns out I've won. Soon, I will be getting a cookbook in the mail from Ree Drummond, A.K.A. The Pioneer Woman. It'll be exciting to go through and make notes on what dishes to try for New Recipe Thursday in the future.

Ree Drummond lives not too far from Tulsa. She'll be doing a signing in Tulsa for this cookbook later this month. I'm slightly hoping Ace and I will have a chance to go meet her in person then. I have not specific expectations that it will happen, but you never know.

I won something and it's something that has me really excited. I love cookbooks. I purposefully don't look at cookbooks at bookstores because I'd be as likely to stock up on too many cookbooks that I will never get through as I would in the fiction section (not that it stops me from looking at the fiction section).

So, I'll be trying to not obsessively check Ace's e-mail address for when I have a package to pick up. Yay for me and my new cookbook!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Tears in My Heart

My dad is in constant pain. Unless he's on his prescriptions, in which case he's probably asleep (he's got some powerful pain killers, and they don't always kill his pain). Unfortunately, this leads to a different kind of spiral than just constantly being in pain or knocked out by drugs.

He's in a depression spiral. The pain killers are a depressant. The pain is causing depression. The frustration of being in a bad cycle of either hurting or being asleep to avoid pain is causing depression.

Lately, the depression has been showing through. He's hurting, physically and emotionally. He's planning on focusing on other stuff, to not keep dwelling on the sad, painful parts. In a way, I'm glad. You don't feel as depressed when you stop focusing on the depression. But I'm still feeling sad. My daddy hurts, and I can't fix it.

Ace has said that we should go visit my dad soon. Hopefully something like that will be good for all of us (me, Ace, and my dad). We all could use some peace, it seems.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Waiting for a Phone Call

This morning, Ace had a job interview. It seemed to go well, but we are waiting to hear back. On the plus side, if he does get it, it will be like he is being paid to work out. On the minus side, it will be five 11 hour days of work a week, plus possible Saturdays from time to time.

It will mean lots of time where I don't get to see my husband, for who knows how long. But we'll have money coming in again. We'll be able to buy me a phone. We'll be able to get a bigger fridge. We'll be able to buy most of our own food again. We'll be able to take care of some old debts.

The pay will be enough for us to, eventually, move out. We may have to live in an apartment, but we should be able to live on our own. And who knows, Ace may get a pay raise at some point.

Now, if they would only call back and say he needs to go here to take a drug test or he needs to be ready to start on this day. That would be so very nice.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Sore in a Good Way

Lately, my body has been giving off some strong signals that the past few months were not satisfying when it came to sex. Seriously, I've found it hard to keep sex very far from my thoughts.

Last night, Ace and I made a makeshift pile of blankets on the floor and took care of some very specific needs. Nothing squeaked, and I doubt the sounds that I heard would have been heard outside the closed door (unless an ear was pressed against it, and probably not even then).

Today, I'm a bit sore in some places, but it's a good sore. I've missed being able to have sex whenever it's convenient and I'm in the mood. Hopefully, the pile of blankets method won't last long. Hopefully, we'll be in our own place soon and noise won't matter.

But at least we have something that works for now.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Mentally Hoarse

Last night, one of my brothers-in-law came to Tulsa to celebrate his birthday. The in-laws took everyone out to dinner. It was a nice evening, even if Ace and I weren't initially sure we were going to be invited out.

Then today happened. It was slightly rainy out, so my mother-in-law decided that she couldn't go to church because it would be bad for her chair (Ace looked, it might have been mildly inconvenient for her later, but she has 3 chairs in total, so we think she would have been fine). Which meant Ace and I didn't get to have time alone this morning. We were planning on having sex, but that had to be delayed. It was not the best start to the day. Then, when Ace went to see if it would be quick for us to do our laundry, it turns out that the stuff that has been on the table was piled up on the washing machine. It's not surprising that we have to move stuff, but it's just one more thing.

Then, when Ace and I went to mess with dinner, we found out that my in-laws had lunch together in the dining room. My mother-in-law knew we were up, but since our door was shut, I guess they decided we didn't need or want to eat with them. We weren't invited. I don't know that we would have joined them, but they could have asked.

I recognize that my in-laws don't have to take us with them when they go out to eat. In fact, we usually don't go with them. Last night was the exception, not the rule. But today has just been a long, insane, frustrating day full of stuff that either my in-laws were doing at the point of my frustration or they had done and I found out about it later. It just feels like my in-laws don't view Ace and I as people who deserve even basic kindness. These things all sound little and petty, and they probably are, but they are just signs of the lack of respect we have to live with on a continual basis.

On the plus side, my in-laws did both go to church this evening. Ace and I had sex. I got to talk with a friend online, one I haven't talked to in a while. I have chocolate.

But that migraine is trying to come back. And my brain is starting to feel fuzzy from wanting to mentally scream for most of the day. I am getting tired of the stress levels my in-laws cause in my life. And the chocolate does not do nearly enough to help.

Somebody, send help!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Life or Something Similar

I've not disappeared off the face of the earth, although you can be forgiven for thinking so. Instead I've spent most of the past week dealing with a sinus infection type thing (I am so tired of coughing. Also, I am tired of being tired all the time.) and this migraine that has come and does not want to leave, even though it's being all polite and barely bothering me much 90% of the time.

The migraine, let me tell you about it. Tuesday evening, while I was in the middle of feeling exhausted and over-sharing information, as you do, I suddenly had a headache in one spot. It was bothering me, what with the throbbing, but it hadn't hit me that it was a migraine. Until someone, nicely, asked me about my headache and where it hurts. Then they pronounced it was a migraine, and suddenly I realized that light had become evil and started wondering why there wasn't music playing to help my head stop hurting (most migraine sufferers want quiet, I need music to help my head because I have to be weird and unusual). When I woke up Wednesday, my head felt fine. In fact, until last night, my head seemed normal. Then, suddenly, on the opposite side of my head, pain. Ace thinks it's the same migraine (they can apparently last up to a week). I'm not 100% convinced it's not a different migraine, but they've both been so much less painful than ones I've had in the past so it's hard to tell for sure. It just hurts to get upright and light is evil.

So, yeah. I've spent most of the past week trying to feel semi-human again. I'm hoping to be able to lay flat on the bed sometime soon (if I lay flat now, I start coughing, so I'm sleeping propped up with pillows). Hopefully the headache will disappear suddenly and I'll be able to go about my normal daily life again.

And now I'm going to go find some music to help soothe my head. Because every other sound hurts right now.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

The Driveway

There has been a little more excitement around here than usual. The city of Tulsa is repaving the roads in our neighborhood. This means that we've had bumpy roads to drive on and lots of dust in the air (it's been wonderful to be me, what with suddenly having problems breathing because of the dust).

Thursday morning, about 9 (right before my alarm was going to go off), there was a knock on the door. The cars needed to be moved so that we could have access to them while the end of our driveway was torn out and replaced. Okay, the timing sucks (since they were doing the tearing out that day), but we can get those moved within the next 30 minutes (our time frame, not the construction workers) because Ace can handle that (I stayed in the room the whole time, so I am only getting updates from Ace about what is going on).

Ace goes to the bathroom and then comes to change clothes so he's wearing something besides pajamas to move cars. By 9:15 Ace is having to wait for them to move out of his way so he can move his mom's SUV. In the minute and a half it takes him to move her car, park it, and come back to move our car, they have started taking out half of the bottom of the driveway (the half behind our car, naturally). So he has to pull our car into the garage, wait for them to move, again, and then go park our car out of the way.

At the time, they told us it would be 2 to 3 days before we could use our driveway again. Yesterday, at some point, they repaved the parts they had torn out. We now have a working driveway again. The biggest problem is that if Ace or I hadn't been here, my mother-in-law could never have gotten her car out of the garage before they started working. She would have been stuck here until the driveway was repaired (not that she went anywhere, nor was she planning on it, but still). We are assuming that her call of complaint (a second call since they started working on the street, because they cut our water off with no notice for a few hours last week too) got them to repave our driveway quicker (there are other people waiting for their driveways to be repaved). On the plus side, they did expand the lower portion of the driveway to include the expanded sides that my in-laws had done previously.

It's been a crazy week around here.