Monday, March 19, 2012

There Are Things Words Can't Say

I've made no secret that Ace and I are trying to have kids. I've probably posted more about my frustrations with that than I really should have. Believe me, most of the posts were probably only showing about half of my emotions.

There are just some things that words can't fully express. The hurt or the longing for something that seems oddly just out of reach. The frustration and pain caused by people announcing their pregnancies and saying things like "We weren't trying, it was a surprise." It's amazing how things that should just bring you joy can cut you deeper than a knife.

I've kept from telling people how much it hurt to hear they were pregnant. They shouldn't have their joy doused by my pain. It's my issue to deal with, not theirs. And while they might have tried to be a bit more tactful if they had known, it would feel like I was asking a lot of someone.

It's always been amazing to me how many different emotions would come up with someone's announcement. Joy, pain, longing, happiness, tears, a desire to pull away, a desire to protect myself from the pain, jealousy. All these emotions, swirling around, usually with extra hormones running through my system. And these words, while they tell you the things I was feeling, don't tell you how deeply they were felt. How ridiculous I felt feeling them all.

I have no announcement today. Other than that I try to not dwell on any of the negative emotions. They keep me from focusing on the blessings that surround me. I'm not saying that hearing one of my relatives announce something doesn't still hurt some part of me, but I push that hurt away. I focus on the good. And I spend some time cuddling with Ace.

Anyone who's ever been in my situation knows how I've felt. Frustration isn't a strong enough word. None of them are. But you also know that you can't stay feeling frustrated. It's unproductive. And besides, life won't let you. The world doesn't actually stop just because we are hurting.

I don't know that I have any real goal with this post. I think I just need to express this to the universe. My words, while important, are inadequate. I apologize for that. They are the only words I have to try to explain, and these words can't say everything I'm trying to express. Unfortunately, in this situation, words are not enough.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go hug my husband.
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