Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Alone At Last

Ace's parents left about an hour ago. By 3, Ace and I had cleared off the couch and moved our laptops back into the living room.

I am currently relaxing wearing less clothing than I normally wear. Ace and I are cooling off before we do much of anything else. We have no set time frame for the plans we have. The most important part for us is that I relax and completely de-stress.

Ace and I are alone at last. The past two or three days have been LONG and SLOW. But it doesn't matter, because we are now alone.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Less Than 72 Hours, But I May Scream

It's getting close to nearly 2 weeks of alone time with Ace. I think I may be going slightly crazy waiting for them to get out the door.

Today, my brother-in-law came to deliver the iPad he convinced my mother-in-law she needed (and after playing with hers he wants one, which may have been part of his thinking process all along). Ace and I are pretty sure she would do better with a laptop (and it would be more useful after they get back), but whatever. Instead of dropping it off, visiting until my in-laws went out, and then going home, my brother-in-law stayed all day. And he kept unintentionally interfering with my plans. I couldn't shave shortly after I got up, because then I'd be forcing 4 people to use 1 bathroom. Then, after I shaved, I couldn't watch TV (my in-laws were out of the house) because he was taking a nap in the living room (and Ace and I couldn't have sex, because he was here).

To top off my frustration, when I went into the bathroom shortly before he left, he had left the seat up (because he's single and doesn't think about the fact that I use that bathroom too). It was stupid and not a big thing, except it was just one more thing that shows that he spent today thinking about himself for the most part and not the people around him. And since I'm already too tense waiting for everyone to leave, it was just one thing too many for me to want to deal with. I was feeling bitchy and sarcastic and annoyed by almost everything already, so you can see how I might be less than charitable in my thinking about him after that.

I've never been so happy to not be going on a trip in my life.

Friday, August 27, 2010

A Break

I have no real reason why I haven't been posting lately, other than I've been a little too caught up in my own head.

Everything has been jumbled up inside me for the past month. I'm not sure where it's going, but it's been keeping me fairly quiet everywhere lately. I think Ace is getting a little concerned about me, since I'm not normally this introspective. Something is percolating, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

I have made a decision though. I'm taking a break from Facebook next week, when my in-laws go out of town. I don't know how long the break will be, but I feel the need for two or three days away from there. Maybe some of the hurts that are still under the surface can heal with that break.

I just know that I've felt emotionally tired for most of the last month and I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being on the edge of fighting off depression. I'm fairly certain a break will help a lot with that. Ace is, as always, supportive of my decision.

Hopefully, I'll have more to say as I take a break from FB and spend more time in the real world. If nothing else, it'll free up more of my day for playing WoW with Ace, something I know will make him happy.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Garage Sale 2: The Quickening Part 2

Well, as it happened last time, I spent about an hour in the heat and then came inside because I felt nauseous from the heat (I sat where I was being hit most of the time by 3 fans, and I still got overheated faster than I would have liked). My body does not take well to heat.

On the plus side, all that teaching stuff is out of here and isn't coming back (or it will be out of here when the trash gets picked up/it gets donated/something other than it staying here). Ace made the big sale of the weekend of $50 for a bunch of books. If only my mother-in-law was getting rid of more than just her old teaching supplies.

In a week and a half, Ace and I get a 2 week break from the in-laws because they are going on vacation. I'm counting down the days in my head. I know that it's not that far away, but it feels a little like it is. Ace and I have plans for while we're alone (sex, cleaning out the fridge again, sex, cleaning out the pantry, sex, non-fried foods, sex, and did I mention we plan on having sex?). The timing should be really good for potential baby-making, which is exciting.

So, 10 more days until we're alone. I should have a big smile permanently on my face for most of those two weeks. And my stress levels should be extremely low, which is great for my health (mental, physical, and emotional). And 2 weeks of parking in the garage so our car isn't HOT when we get in it! Life is looking good.

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Garage Sale 2: The Quickening

Or My Mother-in-Law May Not Live Through the Weekend

After the last disaster of a garage sale, we're having another one (during the hottest month of the year). This one is happening right around the time school is about to start, and apparently that's helped greatly as it's already paid for the advertising for itself.

On the other hand, I may kill my mother-in-law before the weekend is over if she keeps talking to me like I'm an idiot (or, according to Ace, she may kill herself first, it's apparently a toss up there). I'm already frustrated because I'm really freaking hot and that seems to be lowering my threshold for my temper (not to mention feeling icky because I'm hot and my stomach doesn't like the heat).

So far, my mother-in-law was annoyed that I didn't get up and come help right away with setting up the garage sale (I slept about an hour longer than Ace did, even though I got up 105 minutes later), but chose to shave my legs like I had originally planned before she said she wanted to start setting up the tables at 8 am (they really needed it, plus I'm less hot with less hair). She made a comment (as I was getting out of the tub) about me not going out their and sweating like everyone else (because that's supposed to make me want to help, right?). Today, she seems to be trying to get on my nerves, which are close to the surface as I'm still struggling a little to get past the frustration of everyone expecting me to understand things all the time.

I'm trying hard to cool off, both literally and figuratively, before attempting to go back outside. Nicely, I have laundry that really needs to get washed today, so it does give me good reason to be inside some. Too bad I only have 2 loads of laundry to do.

(As for my first title, I figure it's better than calling this garage sale Electric Boogaloo. But you can call it that if you want to, I don't mind.)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I Think Ace Has a Point

Sunday, I had a fairly bad day emotionally. Between my hormones raging and my mother-in-law being selfish, I found it hard to find some calm middle ground. It didn't help that at a point that I desperately needed a little bit out of the house, Ace needed some rest because his mother wanted boxes moved to the garage for the upcoming garage sale (we're going to try selling off all her excess teacher stuff, which should work better since school is about to start/has started for the Tulsa area). She had originally said she wanted 3 boxes moved, it ended up being closer to 12 (because she can't count?).

Later that night, we went out. Ace and I talked some and he came up with a theory (also, he got us a chocolate shake). Ace's theory is that his mother is subconsciously trying to kill his father. It seems somewhat likely, since every time she seems to decide we need to do something that stresses me out is around the same time my father-in-law starts behaving in a friendlier manner.

Since then, we've remembered him telling us that she keeps dropping papers around her chair (at the dining room table) which he keeps slipping on. She also likes putting things on the step that leads into the house, which is a tripping hazard for everyone. Ace's mother also seems to realize that she does better with us when she asks us to do things and does them around our schedule instead of just on her own timetable, and based on our abilities instead of just her desire. Her own husband doesn't get that kind of consideration, apparently.

So, yeah. That's how it is here right now. Aren't you jealous of my life?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

On Being Quiet

Lately (okay, the past three or four days), I've been not talking about what I really want to, even with Ace. It's not because I think Ace would be upset, I just don't quite know how to express the things I want to say.

I'm normally a fairly quiet person. I can spend lots of time being silent, or nearly silent, and be perfectly content with that. And then, as Ace can attest, I'll turn around and talk your ear off because I've been quiet and all these words have been building, and the dam I put up to hold them back can't hold them anymore and they all come spilling out. And after that, I'm content to be quiet for another few days, letting the process start all over again.

My only real problem with this cycle is when I can't seem to find the right words to express myself. Then I start feeling frustrated and flustered. And I start talking about other things, less important things, because I can find the words to express myself about them. Or I stay quiet longer and start to mentally fold into myself, which leads to fighting off depression.

I am quiet, but that is only one side of me. I'm still finding new facets of my personality and exploring what they mean. I guess that's something we're all doing (or avoiding doing). And in the end, I guess that as long as I am trying to figure out who I am and what I believe and why I believe it, I will figure out what it is that I'm supposed to be doing here on this earth.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

And That's Why We Must Move Soon

Monday, I spent the day baby-sitting for my friend Karen (remember, she's my massage therapist/friend). Overall the day went well, with only a few brief problems. I was happy that it was to be a one day only affair (instead of something happening for the better part of two weeks). I got home that evening and was tired.

During the afternoon, Karen came back by her house for lunch. She invited us to go to a church with her sometime soonish. She's the second person to do so in the past month. She pointed out that it was probably God trying to get us to go back to church regularly, but understood when Ace pointed out that the only alone time we get is during church hours (he whispered it so that her kids wouldn't hear). She totally gets why sex is an important part of marriage.

But, I do agree with her. God wants us in a church. We want us in a church too (we even have a church in mind). We just need to get out of my in-laws house.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

In Which I Am Alone

Oh my word, people! It's the quietest day ever over here. My in-laws are out shopping with my niece for back-to-school clothes. Ace is out getting trained (I think). I have spent most of my day reading about the 60s.

On the plus side, I'm feeling much better emotionally and much less like I'm going to snap at someone. On the minus side, I'm starting to feel a little lonely. I guess I could go watch some more TV.

Okay, I have a plan. I'll watch TV and read my book during commercials and try not to call my husband to find out where he is now.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

"I Understand"

I'm beginning to get tired of a two word phrase in my vocabulary: "I understand."

It's not so much that I have a problem with this phrase as much as I have a problem with what it ends up meaning for my life. It means that despite someone telling me they would be somewhere or do something, it means they have some excuse as to why they can't/won't do it. It means they don't feel my time is as important as theirs is. And it's been going on for most of my life.

"We won't be coming because I don't want to upset your mother. After all, I have to live in the same town as her." I understand, but you don't know how much you hurt me with those two sentences. I've never gotten upset with you over seeing her, why should she get upset over you seeing me?

"X is sick." Okay, this is a legitimate excuse and thanks for not bringing a sick person around me.

"We're going to be out of town." Another legitimate excuse, told to me long before someone worrying about potentially upsetting my mother.

"We've got a cross-country trip this next week so..." 2 extremely young kids (one under 3 months old), okay it's kind of legitimate. Still painful.

"I've got so many people calling me for answers." And we're trying to help take that problem away, if you would just do the promised training!

I'm reaching an emotional breaking point, I can tell. And it's not anyone in particular who is going to push me over the edge, it's just seems like this whole thing is a never-ending demand that I just put up with one more person who wants something from me without finding out if I can handle it. I'm trying to hold on to my control, but I'm feeling it slipping some. I'm concerned that something innocent and stupid is going to cause a huge reaction from me that is totally out of proportion for the request and that I'll end up alienating someone who truly cares because my emotions are too messed up right now.

I'm doing my best to be patient and wait for the better times I see so close. I'm doing my best to drop my stress load. I'm doing my best, but it doesn't seem to be enough right now. I don't think my recent rash of reading tons of non-fiction books one right after another has helped any either. I think I need to finish the two books I currently have from the library and then Ace and I can have a talk about where I should go from there.

I'm tired. I'm tired of always being understanding, while at the same time feeling bad that I feel this way. I've been pushed too much for too long and I'm hanging on to the end of my rope. I'm practically exhausted emotionally, and I don't think I've got the space to express myself adequately (and I know I don't have the words). I'm tired and I'm hurting emotionally and no one but Ace seems to want to let me heal before making more demands/requests. I'm tired of people treating me like a doormat and deciding that "I understand" means "I approve" when it doesn't.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Express Your Frustration

The weekend was a success, over all. We had dinner with my siblings, my sister's boyfriend, and one aunt and uncle. I was fascinated throughout dinner with my uncle's tales and was happy that they had come. At the end of dinner, I felt like I had let my aunt (a different one) overstate how big the problem was. Things may not have been quite what I wanted originally, but they went well enough for what did happen.

On a completely different note, earlier Ace vented some frustration. Ace's mother was fixing dinner (tuna salad, which she felt needed boiled eggs for some reason) and needed some help with something (a common occurrence). Ace's father was too busy doing dishes to help her (they couldn't wait one more second, apparently). Ace got drafted to help, which was no big deal. Until his father decided to point out that Ace could have done the dishes. Ace got upset some because he's done the dishes several times with no recognition that he's done them from his parents. He's done several chores around the house without prompting, none of which have really been noticeably appreciated. I don't think the conversation was going to go anywhere constructive when Ace's mother called a halt to it.

Ace is a wonderful guy. He is almost as patient as the day is long (that is a phrase that I should look into sometime). There is, however, a point where he feels the need to get some recognition for things he's done (understandable, since we all get that way). It usually takes months of him feeling under-appreciated before he says anything to me (I'm working on being more appreciative). I think he has been pushed too much by his parents (especially his mother) the past few months. He's got good reason to be annoyed, especially since we've been eating out a lot lately so we haven't contributed to the most recent stack of dirty dishes for the most part.

I don't really know where to go with this, other than to say that I thought I would be the one to snap at his parents first. I'm getting tired of biting my tongue almost all the time.