Sunday, May 26, 2013

I Don't Even Know Any More

This past month has been awkward for me. I have never wanted to say "I quit" more. And I'm not really sure what it is that I want to quit. Because it's not my marriage. Nor is it being on the truck.

I think we are both done with this company. I'm impressed Ace has made it this long. We're going to talk to another company Tuesday to find out a few things (like if it would be better to wait until he has a year under his belt before switching).

I'd like to blame it on this being May, but I doubt that's the issue.

I'm ready for a break. We aren't planning one for almost two weeks. But I'm ready for a break.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Harry Potter Part 4

After taking longer than expected, Ace and I finished Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (this book had more days of delay than it should have).

Which means for the first time, we have the exact same amount of knowledge of what is going to happen. Namely, what was in the movies.

I am looking forward to Luna Lovegood.

(In other news, Ace made a Harry Potter reference today. It made me laugh. I love this man.)

My Crazy, Let Me Show You It

I have a really strange mind sometimes. I say this with no pride about that nor any shame. I recognize that my mind is potentially really screwed up. I blame my mother, mostly because she was so instrumental in breaking it in the first place.

I have a totally irrational fear of making phone calls. The only person I can reliably feel comfortable calling is Ace. It's crazy, because I know there are other people who would love to actually hear from me on the phone. People like my dad, who would just not answer if it was a bad time. And yet... I have been crippled at the thought of actually talking to someone that I've called. (I have no fear of answering my phone and talking, but calling someone else... I told you my mind is strange.)

I am really picky about music and shoes/socks. And sometimes food. Like insanely picky about music. Enough to annoy Ace if I were in charge of the music in the truck. And I hate wearing shoes for long periods of time. If I feel comfortable in your house, my shoes will come off. It makes shoe shopping torturous. Let's not even talk about me buying socks. The food thing is the only one that makes sense. My taste buds are really sensitive. And they don't like complex flavors for the most part. Or really strong ones. And yet, I have somehow convinced my taste buds to like licorice (black and red, because I'm just that weird).

I occasionally try to pick a fight with Ace. Without realizing that's what I'm doing, until I've said something stupid. No clue why, as I hate fighting and love Ace.

The main reason I didn't want to be an engineer: the number of hours it would take to get my degree (also, because my mother wanted me to become one). The degree I chose to get: the second highest number of hours required for getting a job (accounting, which at the time required 150 credit hours to sit for the CPA exam... don't know if that's changed).

I read about grammar for fun. I don't think I got enough knowledge of grammar in school.

This is not an exhaustive list of my bits of crazy. These are just the bits that seem important right now.

Hopefully I won't cringe and beat myself up mentally for posting this later.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Dear Life...

Dear Life,
Hi. How are you? Doing well? I ask because I'm concerned.

It seems that you seem to think I did something with your spouse. Or at least that's how you are treating me. Given that lately I've barely had the time/the inclination to do things with my spouse, it seems unreasonable to think I'm doing something with yours.

I don't even know if you have a spouse. I'm not sure I care.

Please give me a break and bother someone else. Or better yet, follow Wil Wheaton's advice: Don't be a dick.

And now, I'm going to go back to trying to forget how much I'd like to be at the end of my day. Because it seems to be a bit far away right now.

M.A. Smith

Monday, May 13, 2013

I am starting to be able to tell which bathrooms had a woman's help in planning them and which a woman was only consulted to make sure nothing was missing.

To explain, there have been multiple bathrooms I've been in where the trash can for feminine hygiene products was behind the head of the person going to the bathroom. Until today, I didn't use one while on my period. Not that it's stopped me from thinking it was a dumb design before today. Today, it just made me want to scream. Because what woman, while dealing with cramps, wants to have to figure out how to avoid blood dripping off a tampon and onto her clothes?

Whoever designed that bathroom clearly was just trying to cram as many stalls in, and had to have someone (probably a woman) point out that they were missing something from the stalls. With no extra space on the walls (except next to the toilet paper, which would have made more sense), they put it the only place they thought made sense. Behind the woman's head/shoulders.

Yes, I am feeling disgruntled about it. After last month, where my body decided to play with what it was doing, it has decided to bleed like a stuck pig this month. Meaning I've had my period for less than 7 hours and have already had to change my tampon twice. There is a reason I'm eating a king size bag of M&Ms and following it up with a regular sized bag.

So, whoever is designing stalls for women's bathrooms, I implore you. Do not make a woman suffer more when she is on her period. Especially if she lives in a truck. Her life is already hard enough. Make the bathroom as pleasant an experience as you can.

And now I'll go back to eating my chocolate. Because chocolate understands me today. And it thinks my jeans are evil too (Ace claims pants aren't evil, but he doesn't have cramps).

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I'm Hiding Today

Today is one of those days I have mixed emotions about. Most of them have to do with hiding from anything proclaiming anything about Mother's Day and waiting it out until tomorrow, when I'm safe from all the commotion for until next year.

It's also my mother's birthday today. This only complicates my feelings for today.

On the plus side, Ace is wonderful. He is fine with me ignoring that it's Mother's Day. He's fine with buying me chocolate/sweets/whatever and letting me hide away from the world. He understands why I flinch, mentally, at the reminders.

I hope that if you are a mother, you have a wonderful day. Don't let my issues with the day ruin your day. Celebrate. Take a day off or spend it with your children or celebrate however you want.

As for me, I think I'll spend part of the day eating the Swedish Fish Ace bought for me. He really is the best husband ever.

And hiding. Because avoiding the reminders is better than flinching all day.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Depression Sucks Enough On Its Own

Lately, I've seen a few things about depression online and they've got me thinking. The talented Allie of Hyperbole and a Half wrote about her long, staggering bout of depression that she's still getting over. And I'm glad she is.

On Tumblr, I read about people who are being treated as not in need of help because while they are depressed, they don't self harm.

And I find that to be hurtful. Just because I don't wear physical scars does not mean that I've not got scars on my mind. Depression is not something to ignore just because I don't react the way that someone else expects me to.

I imagine that everyone who suffers from depression long term comes to a point where they want to give up. I did. It was difficult to just keep doing the very little that I was doing. And the only thing that provided me with hope each week was prayer night (praying for a local ministry). The only reason I didn't end up just laying in bed for about a month straight (other than trips to the bathroom) was because of prayer night.

But I didn't hurt myself. The worst I did was not eat enough. I ended up losing 15 pounds because of it.

I spent days laying in bed, watching tv, not caring about anything. I had no passion. And the only times I felt normal were times Ace was home from driving.

I needed help. I needed someone to know that I needed help and to get it for me, because I wasn't comfortable asking for it.

I hate to think that if someone had gotten me the help I desperately needed (and wanted) that I would have been turned away because I wasn't harming myself. I hate to think that we don't take depression seriously as a problem unless someone is harming themselves or considering suicide. I hate to think that we are hurting people that are already hurting because we don't believe them when they say that want help because they aren't doing what we expect them to.

We need to remember that people have emotional and mental scars too. That not all scars are physical. That someone can be hurting or numb and need help without any outward signs.

I am glad Allie got help. I wish I had gotten help. I'm thankful for the people who reminded me of my blessings when I couldn't see them (by asking what was going on in my life). And I hope that we can help people more often when they are hurting this way.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Harry Potter Post 3

We have now made it through the first three Harry Potter books. We're in the middle of watching the 6th movie (we were watching it, but then had to stop to drive for several hours, so we'll finish it later). And we're both really interested in what is going to happen.

I did have to look up Luna Lovegood to see if she lives, because I like the character, but didn't want to commit to loving her if she was just going to break my heart by dying. I've been hurt by fictional characters enough. But she lives, so it's all good. I can love my fellow random person.

I am now trying to figure out why Professor Slughorn's name is so familiar, without looking it up. It's kind of annoying me. (And I'm probably going to look it up here in a moment.)

As I told Ace last night, the magic will never end, because we (or I) can always reread the books or re-watch the movies.

And I think I'm done with my random, barely coherent post. I think Luna has rubbed off more than I expected.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Harry Potter Mania Continues

So, Ace and I have finished book 2 (Chamber of Secrets) and are just over halfway through book 3 (Prisoner of Azkaban). And before you say, "I thought you weren't going to push so hard to finish books any more" I'd like to tell you that we finished book 1 on the 26th of April, and I've only been reading 5 chapters a day at most (I've skipped a few days). Book two is fairly short (18 chapters), so it wasn't hard to get through that quickly and book 3 is only 22 chapters, so it's not that odd that we might be over halfway through it right now.

We've watched through Goblet of Fire. We've now got all the movies (Walmart had them for a good deal, and we got all of them for $40 because we were willing to look for the last two at another Walmart because the first one didn't have those two.). And we are frustrated because while our TV works, the place it was plugged in does not. But we have laptops that will play the movies if nothing else.

I think Ace is excited about the stories. Which makes a change from 10 years ago when he asked me to not bring the books into his house (which is why I stopped reading them after book 4. So looking forward to more/new plots). And it's a nice change. He's grown as a person. And I no longer have to avoid most things with Harry Potter, which is great because it is huge in the nerdy/geeky things that we love.


Thursday, May 2, 2013

Harry Potter, Part 1

Ace and I have now gotten through the first Harry Potter book (Or we did a few days ago, oops.). My throat is more sore than I'd like, because I read over half the book to him last night/this morning. Since we'd already watched the movie, it was easier for him to follow the story without getting too distracted or needing me to reread stuff to him.

Still, it was a lot to read in a few hours.

But, we will continue the same pattern with books 2-6. After that, we'll hopefully either have found the movies for book 7 or I'll just read it to myself and fill him in. Or he'll be so invested that he'll have me read it without having the movies available. Whichever.

I'm also trying to figure out if I should read him The Hobbit after this. I think he'd like it, but I'm not sure he'd want to hear it before we can see all the movies.

And I am getting way too ahead of myself.

It's good to be sharing something with Ace. And it gives us something else to talk about.

Just don't tell either of us how it ends.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Why I'd Prefer It If My Children Didn't Read Twilight

Let me preface this by saying that I've not read the Twilight series. I've read enough about it from people who have read it to know that I'd probably prefer to keep it that way. And most of it is not the story line (although I have my issues with that), it's because of the writing. Yes, I've read enough descriptions of the writing to know that I'd prefer to avoid the writing (ones that gave examples from the books).

I'd prefer it if my children don't read Twilight though. And part of it is the story line. I'd prefer my children not think that the characters in the story are good role models. I'd prefer they don't think that it's okay to break and enter to watch someone sleep or to get depressed because someone breaks up with you (for your own good, in their opinion) and then start pulling stupid, suicidal stunts. And hopefully, even if they do read the books (because I won't stop them, even if I discourage it), I will have taught them enough to realize why they should look to other sources for good role models.

I'd prefer, honestly, that my children are inspired by someone like Hermoine Granger (with less rule breaking, preferably) or River Tam, or River Song for that matter. Someone who found love, but was strong even without that. Someone who had a fully developed personality. Someone who shows that doing the right thing is more important than some teenage relationship.

I want my children to read freely, from lots of sources. I plan on reading lots of books, lots of different types of books, to them when they are young. I hope to cultivate a lifetime love of reading. I don't want them to see books as my husband does; non-fiction preferred to fiction, movies preferred to books. Not because there is something wrong with non-fiction or movies, but because there are wonderful worlds out there in fiction.

I'd rather they keep an open mind.

I'd prefer they read and re-read Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, and similar books. I'd prefer that if they are interested in vampire fiction, they go for Dracula or Interview with a Vampire (even if I couldn't quite finish that book).

But I won't ban Twilight. I don't really plan on banning any books, if I can help it. I plan on encouraging them to read books that others have banned. Including Harry Potter. And Fahrenheit 451. And To Kill a Mockingbird. Because there are important things in these books. Some of those things are what got them banned in the first place.

But I want my children, especially my daughters, to have strong female role models. To know that they can be awesome and strong. To know that they can change their world.

And I'm not sure Bella Swan and sparkly Edward Cullen are the way to do that.