Friday, February 27, 2009

My Big Question of the Day

Well, it's more like my big question for dinner tomorrow night, but here it is:

Should I have Tuna Alfredo or Chicken Alfredo?

In case you're wondering, yes we like Alfredo sauce here, but that wasn't really the main reason for my question. We have a tuna Alfredo mix and a chicken Alfredo mix and since we can't have any hamburger mixes (we have no hamburger) they are the most likely thing to fix for dinner tomorrow night.

So, I welcome your input (if I had any idea how to make a quiz, I would, but I don't). Ace's suggestion was to find out which one takes less time and make that, but I'd like at least one other opinion on the matter (and I don't currently have one).


P.S.: I sent my resume to six potential places to work yesterday (I sent it to 8, but 2 are already ruled out). I'm waiting to hear, but it may be Monday before that happens. So busy waiting.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


I know that it is fairly common to reach some points and have questions.

Right now, I'm at one of those points.

Ace and I are discussing whether or not he should be a househusband for a little while should I get a job that will pay significantly better than his current job. I'm not against it, I'm just not fully sure how I feel about it at this point.

We have discussed, briefly, that should I get pregnant he would be a stay-at-home dad after my maternity leave would be over. And that throws me, as I always assumed that I would be a stay-at-home mom.

Of course, nothing is set in stone at this point. And we'll see what happens as things progress.

But for now, I have questions. And that unsettles me.


P.S.: Ace is not going to quit working until I find a job, so we aren't concerned about needing a paycheck. That is about the only part of this situation that I have no questions about.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Massages Work Wonders

Today, Karen (my massage therapist) gave me a massage. Now, I'd like to take a nap, because I am all relaxed and that has made me sleepy.

But, you aren't here to hear that I am sleepy, you are here to find out why I didn't post yesterday or the day before. And most of the reason I didn't post is that I would have been whining again, and I hate doing that to you.

Yesterday something good did happen and I feel that I should mention it here and now. Yesterday, Ace took me to buy a new copy of the show Firefly, because our copy of disk 4 is somewhere else in the US (Ace let someone borrow it, we didn't get it back, and then they moved). He ended up having to drive us to 2 different stores to find a copy to buy, because the first store was sold out! So, we went way across town to buy a series instead of just finding the one disk we are missing on Amazon.

Today, I got a massage, and it has improved my mood significantly. But, I'm still trying to decide if I want to go take that nap, because extra sleep sounds nice.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

And Now For Something Completely Different

In an effort to not just post words that make me seem whiny and self-indulgent, a short story from the past.

One time, my mother, sister, and I were playing Taboo. My mom was giving the clues and my sister and I (mostly me) were guessing what the words were. My sister was around 8 or 9 at the time.

Mom: This is something in Canada.

Sister: Cows?

Mom: No.

Sister: There are no cows in Canada?

Mom and I: *laughter*

Mom: There are cows in Canada, but that isn't what it is.

If I remember correctly (from roughly 10 years ago) the word was Parliament.

Thank you for your attention.

P.S.: My sister and I still laugh about the no cows in Canada thing.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Trying Not To Be Down

This whole job search thing has really hit me hard emotionally.

Okay, I know that sounds crazy, but bear with me.

I wake up each morning, and I feel crappy about the fact that I haven't gotten much response to sending out my resume. All it makes me want to do is hide in bed with my blanket over my head and hide until it all goes away.

It's got me back to feeling insecure and stupid, things that I normally don't feel.

And part of me is tired of fighting those feelings off.

I'm trying so hard not to be sad or to look down on my short list of job experience. I'm trying hard to tell myself that it just takes time, I'll find something, that God has already made a way and I just need to look for it, that we'll be fine until I do find it.

But today, it's getting to me. I know that I've sent my resume out to Monday-Friday jobs and so that's part of the reason I'm not hearing anything.

It's not just this job search. I'm also feeling frustrated because my aerobics class is kicking my butt (or rather my knees and hips). I knew my muscles would hurt, especially the first couple of weeks, but my joints aren't supposed to be feeling so sore and tender. So, I'm having to rethink this and possibly go for a water aerobics class (or just spend some time swimming laps or walking in the pool) or something that will be easier on my joints.

So, if I'm sitting in my house on a Saturday afternoon, trying not to cry and feeling overwhelmed by life, you can hopefully understand that I'm trying to not be down. But I don't think it's quite working right now.

P.S.: It would help if the dog was not quite so annoying right now. Unfortunately, he doesn't (or hasn't) gotten that, so he's been yelled at a lot over the last 24 hours. And that doesn't help the situation any either.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Oh the Insanity!

Ace has decided that now would be a good time for him to find a new job. He is, however, keeping his job at DirecTV until he finds a new job. It's just that he's looked over my shoulder while I was looking online for a new job and thought that he was qualified for some of the jobs I was looking at and they pay more per hour than his current job does.

So, he's going to look, and we're going to each try to find a job from the same pool of potential jobs.

Doesn't this sound fun?

Hopefully, even if Ace is the only one to quickly find a job, it won't be that long until I find one too.

It feels a little crazy in my house right now. And not in the least because Guillermo keeps barking at... well, I don't know who. All I know is that I'm ready for Ace to get home from work and for things to settle down here for a little while.


Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Waiting and Hoping

This is probably the hardest part of job hunting for me, waiting to hear back from people.

So far, I know that DirecTV still doesn't want to employ me. At least they let me know after I submitted an application for the second time.

Other than that, it's been pretty quiet here. I did send my resume to a couple more places, but I'm waiting for the most part.

It's been difficult to try to keep my hope up. Mostly because I'm not excited about getting a job in the first place. And the longer I wait without hearing from people, the harder it is to keep my hope up.

So, I'm waiting and hoping right now.

If only I could find a job staying home watching TV and going to an aerobics class twice a week. Anyone know someone who will pay me to do that?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I guess that leaves me waiting, hoping, and sending out my resume.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Job Hunt and Other Frustrations

Today has been a long day. Today I feel like life has decided that I'm not a special little snowflake, so it can come crashing down on me.

I, during a recession, am looking for a job (in Tulsa). I've got my resume sent to several places. I got a phone interview today and right now, that feels like the highlight of my day right now. Well, that and getting some grocery shopping done.

I also got a call about continuing my education (I will, when I can pay cash for it). That was a long call and I wanted to roll my eyes several times (why I didn't, I don't know... I mean, it was a phone call). The woman was trying to push me into starting online classes in a couple of weeks (uh, no).

Then, Ace and I made pot roast, but it didn't turn out as good as it did the last time I made pot roast (it was cooked too quickly, so it wasn't juicy and falling apart). We decided next time, we will definitely cook it on the slower setting for at least the first few hours.

During my aerobics class, I was hurting. 5 days for my muscles to recover from the last class and I was still hurting. That isn't a good thing. Also, my knee started hurting in class last Thursday, and hurt some while I was driving to and from class today.

When we went out to buy a knee brace, the first store we went to had something wrong with their computers as it kept saying that Ace owed money after swiping his debit card (even after putting back the candy bars that we didn't really need). Nicely, there was a new pharmacy across the street from the one we were at and we had no problems getting in and out quickly (and now my knee is wrapped to help stabilize it).

Then, because all this wasn't enough, Ace went through the mail and found that the company that does the payroll for DirecTV required him to resubmit a form by Feb. 13th (they sent the letter out on the 12th, after having it typed since late January). So, our withholding on his check is all messed up and I don't know what we need to do to fix it. So, today has been a long day!

Can someone please help me forget all my frustrations and problems?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Losing Weight?

My stated goal right now is to lose weight, but tonight it didn't seem like that was the goal.

After Ace got home from work, he grabbed a little cash and ran to the convenience store because I was craving some peanut M&Ms (I don't usually like peanut M&Ms, but today I wanted them... but just a small bag). Then he came back home and I ate my M&Ms and he ate a brownie (because that was what he was craving) and we felt happy with our small bits of chocolate for Valentine's Day.

Then, we started watch The Princess Bride (we intended to watch it last night, but that didn't happen). After about 2 minutes, I paused the movie to ask what we were planning on doing about dinner. I was wanting us to cook a frozen pizza (what is up with the unhealthy foods I was wanting?) and Ace wanted us to eat this macaroni mix thing we made yesterday (Mac & Cheese, hamburger meat, corn, peas, and diced tomatoes with oregano and other spices). About halfway through, I started the oven for the pizza (because that's what I should be eating, right?) and Ace put it on a pizza stone and put it in the oven.

Then, around 9:30, he realized that I hadn't eaten any of the mix, which he cared about because it would help my body build the muscles back up (because they have been sore today, I really shouldn't have pushed myself quite so much Thursday). So he fixes me a bowl of it and I ate about half, possibly more.

When he went to buy my M&Ms, he got me 2 small bags, in case 1 wasn't enough. So, I've now eaten half of that.

Why do I get the feeling that Tuesday's aerobics class will probably go totally toward working off the excess food I ate tonight?

And shouldn't that bother me some?


Friday, February 13, 2009

Dear Body

Dear body,

I'm happy to see we've already started loosing weight. I wasn't sure how quickly the weight would drop, as at first it took a while to build up. 5 pounds already, and with only a minimum of soreness and stiffness too!

However, we have got to talk. Why isn't 7 and 1/2 hours enough sleep? You let me wake up just fine at 9:00 am, but then you want to go back to sleep for another 2 hours. Why? Have I done something wrong?

And why, today, do you feel the need for even more sleep? Did I not pamper you with extra sleep? Am I not trying my best to move you enough to loosen up the muscles while still giving you plenty of rest to repair those same muscles?

Please, let me know what the issue is so that I can fix it quickly as I don't care for all this extra sleeping if it isn't necessary.

Love and kisses,


P.S.: Yes, I plan on buying more oranges when we go grocery shopping today. I know that you've been craving them and I'm happy that you want something so healthy and yummy.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Setting Goals for the Next Year

I have a few goals for the next year.

1. Lose 50 pounds. This isn't impossible and it's better than a goal of "lose weight" as I'll know when I've reached my goal.

2. Read through Proverbs 12 times.
a. Try to learn something new each time I read it.

3. Cook at home more and eat out less. Finances should make this easier.

4. Read all of Pride and Prejudice. I've started it, now I just need to pick it back up and read it (maybe next month when I've got to go in for jury duty).

5. Eat more fruits and vegetables and less junk. Also, drink more water.

6. Join a gym and go regularly to exercise. An aerobics class twice a week probably won't do enough to see a weight loss of 50 pounds.

7. Stop feeling the need for things to be even to be finished.

So, these are just a few of my goals (starting on number 7 right now). So, now I've just got to stick with it.


P.S.: I've had jury duty before and I'm not looking forward to having it again. I'm hoping for time to move by quickly and I'm hoping not to be stuck on a criminal trial again.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Making Plans for Dinners

Ace and I just had a nice long talk about what we need to do for eating dinners in the future. We've decided to save money by choosing to eat at home more and to cook more meals that will include leftovers for us to have another meal out of. We're also going to try to keep things like sandwich meat and hot dogs around for smaller meals and such.

We also plan on buying potatoes and mashing them ourselves instead of buying tubs of mashed potatoes from the store. Basically, we're going to be pickier on what foods we spend money on while still giving ourselves enough variety to not get too frustrated with repetition happening too often.

Despite the extra work this will create, I am excited about doing more cooking. And I'm excited about trying to recreate some of the recipes my mother made when I was younger to see if it tastes the same as I remember it tasting.

So, tonight we've made plans for future dinners. And that has made me happy.


Friday, February 6, 2009

My Second Aerobics Class

I didn't forget my promise to talk about my aerobics class today.

Well, I went, despite my sister's visit, to my second class. I was sore before I went and, not surprisingly, it hurt to do some of the exercises. Most of them didn't really hurt, but the squats and some of the leg lifts hurt a lot. And I almost teared up during the crunches (I skipped the last 4 of them, as I couldn't handle it any more).

So, my arms and legs, while slightly tender, aren't too out of shape. My butt, abs, and right hip on the other hand aren't doing quite as well. I still have trouble with keeping my breathing even throughout the class, but I did remember to bring water with me and was able to push myself throughout class, even though I'm glad to not have to go back until next Tuesday.

And really, if that's as bad as it will ever be, I can handle it.

So, now you know how I did/am doing with my aerobics class.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

A Visit from My Sister (and the Thoughts it Stirred Up)

My sister and her boyfriend came up to visit me today. I am the last relative to meet him (not because they were avoiding it, it just wasn't convenient to meet until today). They got here in time to follow Ace and I over near my chiropractor for lunch (where I quickly ducked out for 5 minutes to get my back aligned). Then, we all came back to my house (the word our just doesn't seem appropriate here, as the house doesn't belong to my sister and her boyfriend, but it is Ace's house too) and talked for a good long while. Then, they stuck around while I went to aerobics and came back home, had dinner with us and visited for a little while longer before going back home.

My sister and I were able to share things with each other that we've never talked about before. She totally gets why I don't talk to our mother right now and let me know that she was angry that I was "leaving" her when the whole thing first happened. And then, after dealing with what I had been putting up with, she started to see that I wasn't trying to leave her, but I was probably trying to protect me. And she totally understands why I did walk away. She understands that I really do want our mother to be happy. She also understands that I can't take our mother's frustration that she makes bad decisions and then is unhappy with the consequences she faces because of those decisions.

In a way, I look up to my little sister (not height wise, as we are roughly the same height although she is slightly taller). She's much more confident in her own personality. She's willing to fight for what she deserves and for that she gets what she wants and needs from our mother more often than I ever did. And she's willing to tell my mother the complete and honest truth about her habits (what she does when she's trying to make you comply with her wishes with guilt, how she's pushing away the daughter she has that is still at home, that she should find happiness, that she should try to reach out to me [she didn't know I had asked that our mother not call me which explained the odd call on my birthday]). I'm not sure I've ever had the nerve to say anything like that, ever. Especially not to our mother.

I dislike confrontation, and that probably has kept me from voicing my own opinion more often than it should have. There were times, especially with my mother, that I didn't feel like my opinion would be respected. And because of that, I bowed to her pressure and did things to make her happy so much that it surprised her when I finally started to stand up some for myself and looked out for my interests over hers. And she called me selfish for that. Which started me wondering if being slightly selfish sometimes, especially when at the end of your rope, was really a bad thing. I'm not talking taking candy from a baby, just taking personal time away from family (mostly, my siblings) to spend one on one with my dad and step-mom. Time for me to forget that I was supposed to be "responsible" and "a good influence" and "someone to look up to" and was able to try doing something for me that was just fun (like getting a perm, re-piercing my ears, and buying nice dresses because I liked them, they looked good on me, and I didn't have to pay or beg for them). It was a small taste of freedom between for a few summers between being responsible as a student and an older sister to remind me that I'm allowed to have fun.

I spent the first couple of years of my marriage trying to find a way to "fix" myself. I felt broken. I was happy with Ace, but I felt like part of me wasn't quite right. It took me 2 years to realize that the problem wasn't me, it was the way I related to my mother, or rather the way she related to me. The system was broken, and I tried for another year to see if I could live with it broken as it was. And I couldn't. I couldn't be my mother's support, because that's not my role to fill. The last time we talked, she blamed her shortcomings after the divorce on her own emotional state and me not telling her what I needed. I think Ace finds that silly, as I'm not a hard person to keep happy in general. I thought it was silly as she had never seemed to care what I wanted or needed unless I pushed and pushed those things in front of her face until she couldn't ignore it.

I fairly sure that she probably has felt like my dad got a pass on how my teen years went. She probably thinks that he was never talked to about why my needs weren't met enough and that his responsibility in the whole problem was never addressed. She would be wrong. He broached the subject with me long before I talked to her about her part. He told me that he took all the blame on himself for his failings in supporting me as much as I needed him to during all that vulnerable time. He apologized in no uncertain terms. He told me that he was the parent and it was his job to ask me about what I wanted or needed from him and I was the child so I shouldn't have to have any responsibility for the problems that happened then. And his apology healed any hurt that I had for his part. He took the responsibility to let me know that I wasn't in the wrong for not getting everything I needed from either parent at an emotionally turbulent time that being a teenager is (and having your parents divorce, etc.).

Well... this has been cathartic. And I really didn't expect to write this much about my past tonight. But, I needed to say it, I think. And I'm hoping that someday, it will help someone else. Right now, it helped me to just say it.

Tomorrow, I'll talk about my second day of aerobics and how it tried to kick my butt. But for tonight, I'm going to curl up with my blanket and eat some grapes while reading things that will make me smile. Because after all that, even though I feel better and lighter, I need to spend some time with things that make me happier than I am right this second.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

My First Aerobics Class

It's been a long while since I've worked out. Tonight, I felt how out of shape I am. I was trying not to huff and puff through the entire class (which happens when you're the newest member, but is frustrating when you are also the youngest member). It wasn't completely physically demanding (my body felt fine other than when we were doing crunches), but I ran out of breath waaaay too easily.

At the end of the class, the instructor asked if I'd be back. I assured her that I would be and thought that hopefully next Tuesday will be easier (Thursday this week will probably be harder, because my muscles won't be quite ready for moving that way again, but I'll push through the pain. Also, I plan on taking pain killers before the class on Thursday.).

So, I survived and felt pretty good at the end of class. I'm not excited about tomorrow, but I feel pretty good over all.

Besides, tomorrow I have Ace to encourage me to push through the pain (and to take things to dull/stop the pain). We plan on grocery shopping and I have a load of laundry to wash (mostly, so the clothes I worked out in today will be cleaner and not stinking up my garage).

Well, I'm going to go. My arms are feeling kind of heavy right now. Besides, I've got snuggling to do before Ace goes to sleep.


Sunday, February 1, 2009


Yesterday, I got ambitious. I did more than I normally do in a day. I tried to start off this healthier living/exercise kick with getting my house cleaner.

Today, I can't bend over (or sit, if I'm completely honest) without pain.

I'm happy that my clothes are clean, my legs are smooth, and there are less dirty dishes piled up in my kitchen, but I can't seem to do anything about folding and putting away laundry or doing another load of dishes. And I'm not sure I want to try to just take a relaxing bath before Ace gets home from work.

I know it's the muscles getting stronger and better, but do you know how many things in this house require bending over? I can't get to my grapes or the Activia in my fridge without pain. I can probably just get to the veggie tray, but I'm not interested.

Ace should be home, hopefully with food, by roughly 6:30. As long as the dog lets me be, we should do fine for the rest of today.


P.S.: The only reason I'm not taking something to help with the pain is that I'm too stubborn for my own good sometimes.