In Which I Feel Like a Hypocrite

There have been a couple of things bugging me lately. One is minor, it's pesky, it's annoying more than anything. The other is something that I feel speaks strongly of my heart.

The minor, pesky one is that lately words have not seemed like enough. Words don't express things fully enough. I cannot explain, to myself, to my satisfaction what I mean. This is likely to be something that, while never really going away, will soon fade back into the background of my attention. That's one of the problems with fighting depression. Words aren't adequate enough.

The major thing is the one I really want to write about tonight.

I apologize in advance. Mostly because I'm about to do what I'm about to complain about. I hate that. I don't like being a hypocrite. My only salvation for myself is that I'm not complaining about anyone in particular, but the perception of the whole. This does not satisfy me though.

My biggest problem with Christians, or at least how Christians are perceived (even by other Christians) is that Christians are, in general, a group that judges people (especially other Christians). I say that feeling like I'm being a hypocrite, because I'm judging Christians when I say that. I recognize the irony of judging their judgment. And I recognize this puts me into the group of people that I'm judging.

Anyway, my problem is that the Bible tells us to "Judge not, lest you be judged" (Matthew 7:1). We aren't supposed to accept sin in our churches, but we are supposed to accept the sinners. Somewhere, most Christians seem to lose that. We stop condemning the sin and start condemning the sinner. I'm not saying that people aren't capable of messing up. I mess up most days. I'm just saying that I don't have a right to tell someone that they are going to hell because I disagree with what they are doing (unless I'm trying to save them, I probably shouldn't be telling them that they are going to hell anyway).

It seems to me that this judging goes on in pretty much every area of people's lives. Who am I to tell someone what they can wear? Who am I to tell them what they can eat? Who am I to tell them who they can love? Who am I to tell them how they can love?

I know there are scriptures that cover at least some of those things. But it's not up to me to "enforce" those scriptures. As long as I live my life by what I learn from my Bible, I have no reason to tell someone else how to live theirs. At least, that seems what "Judge not" means to me. I am not their judge, God is. That means that I don't get to tell them how to live. Nicely, it also means they don't get to tell me how to live. Things are convenient that way.

I may not like my sister's tattoos or piercings, but that doesn't mean I should say that she's ugly (I don't like them, at least not the piercings. She's not ugly.). I may be able to prove that God thinks tattoos are ugly (I don't really care to try). That doesn't mean I should.

I may think that the kid on the next aisle should be in bed when I'm shopping at 11 pm. I may not be impressed that he's got a bottle of soda and is screaming at the top of his lungs. I may have lots of scripture on how kids should be raised. It doesn't mean I should judge that kid's parents. I don't know their lives. I don't know if this is normal or odd for their family. I shouldn't judge I don't have all the facts.

I may think that it's wrong for two men or two women to be in a relationship. I may have scripture to back up how wrong it is. I may think they are sinning. But that does not mean I should judge.

God didn't die and make me judge. I have no right to tell anyone (except maybe Ace and at some point our children) how to live. I have no right to tell anyone they are going to hell because they kiss someone of the wrong gender, have a tattoo, are a bad parent, or even just that they mess up. I HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT.

And I have no right to judge Christians as judgmental. I HAVE NO RIGHT.

If I don't have that right, what makes someone else think they do?

Lost

I'm beginning to get annoyed with myself. I'm getting maudlin over here.

It's just hard to feel upbeat right now.

Ace is trying to find out what is going to happen next for him with his job. He's doing a sleep study tonight. We'll find out if he has sleep apnea or not.

Ace's parents are back home. They aren't asking me about my laptop, but they are asking lots of questions about what is going on with Ace. Questions that I don't know the answers to. Questions that Ace doesn't always know the answers to.

I'm back to not wanting to go to sleep. Some part of my brain is trying to avoid sleep, like sleep is my enemy. I'm feeling edgy and cagey. It gets too loud in my head and I just want to stay quiet, because I don't want to say what is in my head. And I know these things are not good things, but I keep avoiding falling flat out into depression somehow.

I'm feeling lost. I can't find my shore. I'm not out too far, but I can't get my bearings. And the waves and the tide keep carrying me on.

My Secrets

I don't share everything here. That is hardly surprising, given that this is an anonymous blog. I don't share absolutely everything with Ace either. That is only surprising in that we share so much with each other.

I want to get some secrets off my chest.

1. Despite facing some of the blackest depression and experiencing things that would make most people break, I am still sane. In all that time, in all those things, I have only wanted to hurt myself physically once, and that was at a very bad time for me emotionally. I, fortunately, got much better shortly after that.

2. Ace and I have talked about him getting a tattoo (or more than one) since shortly after we were married (if not before). In the back of my mind, I've always slightly wanted to get one too, but I HATE needles. Recently, I decided to get at least two tattoos. I'm not fully sure how I feel about it, but I like my reasons for wanting them.

3. There is a small part of me that is concerned that I might possibly decide that it's okay to hurt myself physically to help emotional pain. I feel concerned that getting a tattoo will make me more likely to do something stupid. I know that I'm not going to do it, but that doesn't make me feel less concerned.

4. My in-laws have been out of town for a week. I haven't missed them in the slightest. I was complaining to Ace, while he was here on leave, that they didn't seem to be wanting to leave soon enough for us.

5. Ace and I enjoyed ourselves greatly after 6 weeks apart. Now we don't know when we'll see each other again. I think this is harder than the 6 weeks.

6. Sometimes, my compassion for people goes out the window when they seem to be inviting drama into their lives. It's not that I no longer care, it's just that I wonder when they are going to start admitting that they are contributing to their own problems.

7. Sometimes, it's louder in my head when it's silent outside it. That is a big part of the reason I've watched way more TV shows and listened to way more music since Ace started training. I miss him.

8. While Ace was here, we bought me a laptop. It's all bright and shiny and new. I'm hoping his parents don't realize or just don't think about it.

I'm sure I have more secrets to share at some point, but for now I think I'm a bit taped out. Or rather, I've shared all I need to share.

Later.

Quiet Still

My head has gotten quieter. But I'm still feeling quiet myself.

My emotions are up and down. Sometimes within a span of 5 minutes.

And there aren't words enough to explain everything. Words can be so limiting sometimes.

So, I'm over here, being quiet.