Monday, September 29, 2008

Finding Sleep

My biggest problem with trying to sleep at night is getting my brain to shut off. Because that's the case, I've spend most nights trying to keep my mind busy until my body forces me to sleep (which I notice when I think I'm going to blink and don't open my eyes for a few minutes).

I recognize that this isn't healthy, but I'm not fully sure what to do to change this. Hopefully with the changes Ace and I are making to our routines for when he comes home from work I'll be able to go to sleep easier.

Now, if this works and if I could only figure out how I relaxed so well a few weeks ago, I'll be doing really well.


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

What Do You Say?

What do you say when someone gives you information about someone else and the only thing you can think to reply is "OK"?

Ace got an e-mail from one of his cousins about her brother who is graduating from basic training soon. I would guess that congratulations is the proper thing to say, but only to the person graduating. Otherwise, it's kind of hard to tell what to say.

This is a slight problem because it comes up from time to time. I know what to say when someone dies ("I'm sorry for your loss."), when someone is pregnant, engaged or married ("Congratulations!"), and when someone is moving away ("I'll miss you."). I've even got stuff to say for other occasions that is situationally appropriate.

But what do you say when someone tells you news about something happening to someone else when you aren't sure how they feel? What do you say when someone blindsides you with something that doesn't have a particular "right" answer? What do you do when someone tells you that someone is graduating from basic training?

Someone, please tell me.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Questions I Won't Ask

I have questions about my parent's divorce (mainly, what was the true cause of it), but I won't ask my dad those questions. Mainly because the answers don't really concern me. My relationship with my dad has nothing to do with why his marriage to my mother didn't last.

I was thinking, though, that the only glimpse my mother showed me into their divorce (which she first mentioned the day she told me they were divorcing) is something I know don't feel fully comfortable trusting (mostly because I would have problems with believing it if she told me the sky was blue, even though I know it's true).

A friend of mine is getting divorced. Her kids (who are actually only a couple of years younger than me) have heard their dad's side of the story, but not hers. I was just wondering what my advice would be to them on whether or not to trust what they've heard and how to let it affect their relationships with their mother.

I remember, after hearing my mother's side, being angry with my dad. I remember feeling betrayed. But the anger didn't last long. Because he was still there for me. He provided a steady relationship, one that I didn't really have with my mom. And now, when I'm not sure I fully believe my mother's tale from long ago (14 years, almost half my life), I realize that the relationship I have with my dad has nothing to do with what he did or didn't do that set off the divorce.

So, I guess my advice to those friends is that they should look to the past, was their mother (who isn't telling her side, kind of like my dad didn't tell his) there for them? Is she still trying to be there for them? If so, then they shouldn't reject her based on someone else's pain. Because it just makes things more awkward (and they are awkward enough as it is).

So, while I have questions about my mother's story, a story that took me 14 years to start wondering about, I won't ask my dad. Because it's not any of my business. And, it won't change how I look at him now anyway, because our relationship is built on trust and conversation between us, and not based on the picture my mother has tried to paint in the past (not talking to her has produced at least a few good things, like more rational and logical thinking skills).

Do you have any questions that you won't ask because the answers don't really matter?

Friday, September 19, 2008


Wednesday night, I took a bath. Ace helped me out with that by running the water for me (thus, getting me to actually enter the bathroom). Then, this conversation happened.

Ace: Are you shaving, or is that for relaxing?

Me: Relaxing.

Ace: Yay! Bubbles!

Of course, he knows that I only take bubble baths when he runs them, so he is oddly excited about the idea of me taking a bubble bath, because he wants me to relax and rest. He wants me to be stress free, and he knows that I don't let myself relax enough (or more so, I don't fully relax when I'm relaxing). It's just cute that he's that concerned about me.

And, it's fun when he inadvertently gives me something to post.

So, thank you Ace for being so sweet and cute. And I'll try to work on the relaxing thing some more. And hopefully sometime I'll actually make a bubble bath all by myself (and yes, I know how, I just don't seem to treat myself to bubbles).


Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I've not wanted to get on and talk. I'm not pregnant, yet. I took a pregnancy test and then started my period (all in a 2 minute time frame). And since then I've been trying not to mope about it.

So, I stayed silent. Because who wants to hear someone whine because it's taking them a while to get pregnant?

So, I've been focusing on other things, like my mouse deciding it doesn't want to work anymore (we've ordered a new one, it should be here within a week... only the new mouse will be for Ace and I'll get his current mouse). And I've been discovering that I don't seem to care much about, well, anything lately.

Hopefully soon I'll have something more important to say and the silence will be broken again.


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Heat and Randomness

I'm feeling hot and my mind isn't focusing on anything I want to write about (I'm getting tired of mentioning that I'm waiting). So, I'm going to go with random stuff.

1. Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde - I forgot how good this movie is, even though the main character is silly and seems rather stupid. Elle is actually really smart, at least she is when it matters (and apparently fashion knowledge will help anywhere, even Congress).

2. I'm for equal pay for men and women for doing the same job. I'm not for the idea that men suck and women rule (because, actually, both genders can suck and both can rule).

3. Why is my bedroom at 78 degrees? No wonder I'm feeling hot! The fan is on, but it's not helping enough. Am I putting off enough extra heat to make me this miserable?

4. The a/c had to be nudged to cool down the room I'm sitting in. Because my comfort is more important than the dog's. Besides, he's probably warm with all that fur anyway.

5. Um, have I mentioned that I'm warm? And that's zapped any and all other thoughts out of my head? Oh, yeah... that's been the theme of the last 2 points too.

6. I'd like to go by the library, but I'm in the middle of at least 7 books (possibly more) that I own, so I think I should finish some of those first. I want to go to the library to look for books by Erma Bombeck, because I know that I will enjoy them (I have in the past).

Yeah, I think I've been random enough (or ranted about the heat enough). I'm going to go back to either books or logic problems (probably the logic problems).


Friday, September 12, 2008


Yesterday was different. It was the first time in the past few years that I had thought about the date very much. I felt the date weighing on my mind throughout the day.

I will never forget the shock I felt that day, in 2001, when I fully woke up (I was in bed asleep when the planes hit) and found out what had happened. I felt like I had been kicked. My sinus infection (for I was suffering with one) seemed silly and my doctor's appointment that afternoon seemed less important (I still went, because I happen to like breathing, and there wasn't much I could do anyway). I remember the lines at the gas stations, even here in Oklahoma, and the prices soaring (although they didn't get nearly as high as they did elsewhere). I remember being counseled to wait a few days before getting gas (my doctor cared about what I was going to pay for gas as well as keeping me breathing).

Because of those memories I want to honor the people who died and the people who lived that day. They deserve to be honored.

But it is 7 years later, and my life has changed a lot. And I've got other things on my mind, things that seem more important now. Things that seemed like they would never happen then.

So, I remembered, at least for a little bit, in honor of the past and then I allowed myself to focus on the present. Because I'm fairly sure those people I'm honoring would want me to continue on with my life.

So, September 11th was meaningful. And I won't forget it. But, it's feeling like it's time for me to move forward. When I have children to teach, I'll share with them the importance of the date, while reminding them that we aren't going to live in fear.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Waiting Patiently

In a departure from the past, other than feeling slightly frustrated when time seems to not be moving forward at a normal pace, I'm feeling patient about waiting for Sunday (when I'll finally allow myself to take a pregnancy test). It's one of those things where I'm interested in finding out the answer, but it won't change in the next few days.

But, I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling good about the possibilities. And other than finding Tex-Mex to be irresistible, I'm feeling fairly normal. And I'm feeling content to be where I am right now, in the magical place of possibilities and hope for the future.

Well, it's back to distracting myself with other things to help pass that time.


Monday, September 8, 2008

Slow Moving Days

The part I hate the most about waiting is that time seems to slow way down and I'm stuck waiting what feels like twice as long as I should be. I haven't started my period yet, even though it was due yesterday, and I'm not interested in basically any of the food in the house (I want Taco Bell, and have since yesterday!). Plus, even though I'm not a big round 7 or 8 months pregnant, I feel big and round.

It doesn't help me a bit that tomorrow starts Ace's weekend and tonight when he gets home from work we are actually going to go by the store. It actually makes the waiting seem even longer, because I'm waiting for something (anything!) to happen. So, when I check the clocks, I'm not surprised that it's only been 5 minutes since the last time I checked, because time is creeping by so slowly.

And for some reason, I slept from roughly 7 am to 5:45 pm today. I didn't realize I needed so much sleep, but I felt 100% better for having slept for so long.

Any suggestions you've got for making time go more quickly when I'm here with just the dog (and no way to go anywhere that I can't walk to, because I'm short 1 vehicle), please let me know.


Sunday, September 7, 2008

My Monthly Does of Insanity

I'm waiting. It's part of this all important 2 week wait thing, seeing if I'm pregnant this month.

Other than feeling disgusted by the thought of half the food in the house, a feeling that is beginning to be common around this time of the month, I don't feel any way in particular.

Okay, that not completely true. I'm tired of this random cough that hasn't wanted to leave and I'm tired (again, not totally unexpected any more). But, I'm not feeling particularly pregnant or not. I'm not pinning any hopes upon this month being any different.

I'm just waiting.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

The Bad Influence

Being a doggie mommy is resembling being having a child more and more.

Our neighbors (who just recently moved in) have a dog. This dog will bark at anything outside, squirrels, people, I'm beginning to think the breeze. He does stop sometimes, but it doesn't seem like long before something sets him off again.

Guillermo has decided that he wants to be outside ALL THE TIME now. I think he's made friends with this new dog. But, that means he's started barking at things. Guillermo hasn't really been all that big a barker before, but this new dog is being a bad influence on him.

This has lead to a battle of wills lately. Guillermo and I, for the past two nights, have been battling each other for whether or not he can spend all the time he wants to outside if he's going to bark. The most annoying thing is that he starts whining, which he does when he actually needs to go out, so part of me doesn't want him to be in pain or really needing to go to the bathroom, but I don't want to just let him go out and stay out (although, I do know that if I've let him out an hour ago, he'll be fine without going out).

What do I do to stop my dog from being influenced by a dog I can't get rid of?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


I dislike confrontation.

Wait, let me adjust that statement. I dislike confronting other people. I have this inner thing that just wants people to like me. Even if those people will never meet me/talk to me again.

And because of this, I let people walk all over me when I shouldn't. I don't stand up for myself as well as I should. I let, or practically beg, Ace to be the one who is sticking up me, because I know that he can take someone else's displeasure.

And I know that I need to get past this. I can't always be nothing but a people pleaser. It's not healthy. It ignores what I need. And it leads to me snapping at people I love and who I know will love me even if I get snippy with them. And that's not healthy for others.

So, I've got to find a way to confront others while still feeling like I'm not just pushing my own agenda. And I've got to remind myself that it's not just okay, but important to take care of myself. And while I somewhat know this, I don't practice it enough.

So, right here, right now, I am promising myself to stand up more for my rights. Because this will be good practice for stand up for my kids rights when they need it. That and I can't make someone else fight my battles for me forever.

I'm growing up, right here, right now. And isn't the point of life to grow?

Monday, September 1, 2008

The Good, the Bad, and the Quiet

It's currently rather quiet in my house. It's nice. Ace and I don't spend enough time just being quiet. We're both on our laptops, so there is some noise, but we've got the TV off (for once) and it's nice and quiet.

In good news, at least for me, Ace got today off (which is why he's home... I probably should have lead with that, huh?). Also, we changed our sheets and dusted off our fan, both of which we should have done a while ago. And I'm coughing a lot less, except for when the dust hits me just right.

In bad news, I think the dust gave me a sinus headache and I probably need to go see an optometrist (on a completely unrelated matter), because one of my eyes feels like it's doing something strange lately (I keep feeling like something is twitching, and my vision is acting all strange sometimes too). Plus, all I want to do right now is take a nap (I've been awake 3 and 1/2 hours, isn't that a little soon to be taking a nap?).

So, there you have it. The good, the bad, and the quiet from the Smith household.

What's happening in your life?