This past week, I started seeing the signs of depression coming on. It's not fully surprising, I'm missing Ace a lot and they shift in how his parents, especially his father, are acting would throw anyone.
I've noticed that right before depression pulls me down, I start having insomnia. I can't convince myself to go to bed and go to sleep. I don't know why, but it's like I'm suddenly afraid to go to sleep, afraid of my dreams (none of which I can remember being particularly bad, but...).
I'm not sunk down as far as I have been in the past. I'm having what feels more like bad emotional days (and exhaustion from the lack of enough sleep). The biggest things are a lack of motivation to do something as basic as feed myself and a feeling so raw/tired/sad all the time. But it's not controlling me (other than the not eating enough thing).
Good news keeps coming in. Slowly. Any bad news is temporary set backs. Nothing to make life suck completely. But enough to make it easier to feel depressed.
The only good thing about Ace having the laptop is that if I want to get online (and I do), I have to get off the bed to do it. Which means no lounging around on the bed in a cocoon of blankets letting myself slip further into depression.
I miss Ace. I miss not being tired, although that will disappear as soon as my body starts working with my brain on sleep instead of against it. I miss just being generally happy.
But I'm so close to finally, finally starting to get back to things being where I want them to be. And that makes me happy, deep down.
Depression sucks. But I'm stronger than it is.