Monday, September 29, 2014

Spam Is Sometimes Hilarious

First, without comment, the spam email.

Subject: WE NEED A SOLID PROVE FROM YOU TO ENABLE US RELEASE YOUR FUND.
Date: 2014-06-03 07:35
From: "Federal bureau of investigation"
To:
Reply-To:



Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
FBI headquarters in Washington , D.C.
Federal bureau of investigation
J. Edgar Hoover building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington , D.C. 20535-0001
Ref: FBI/DC/25/014.


Attention: Fund Beneficiary,


This is an official advice from the FBI foreign remittance/telegraphic dept. it has come to our notice that bank of Nigeria has released 10,500,000.00 U.S dollars into bank of America in your name as the beneficiary, by Inheritance means. The bank of Nigeria knowing fully well that they do not have enough facilities to affect this payment from the United Kingdom to your account, used what we know as a secret diplomatic transit payment (S.T.D.P) to pay this fund through wire transfer, they used this means to complete the payment.


They are still waiting for confirmation from you on the already transferred funds,which were made in direct transfer so that they can do final crediting to your account. Secret diplomatic payments are not made unless the funds are related to terrorist activities why must your payment be made in secret transfer, if your transaction is legitimate, if you are not a terrorist, then why did you not receive the money directly into your account? This is a pure coded means of payment which we have had in the past has always been related to terrorist acts, we do not want you to get into trouble as soon as these funds reflect in your account, so it is our duty as a world wide commission to correct this little problem before this fund will be credited into your personal account.


Due to the increased difficulty and unnecessary scrutiny by the UK/USA authorities when funds come from outside of America , and the Middle East , the F.B.I crime commission has stopped the transfer on its way to deliver payment of $10.500.00 through a secured diplomatic transit, account (S.D.T.A). We govern and oversee funds Transfer for the World Bank and the rest of the world. We advice you contact us immediately, as the funds have been stopped and are being held in our custody until you can be able to provide us with a diplomatic immunity seal of transfer (dist) within 3 days from the world local bank that authorize the transfer to certify that the funds that you are about to receive from Nigeria are terrorist/drug free else we shall have cause to cross and impound the payment, however, we shall release the funds immediately we receive this legal documents.


We have decided to contact you directly to acquire the proper verifications and proof from you to show that you are the rightful person to receive this fund, because of the amount involved, we want to make sure that the legitimacy of the fund you are about to receive is not in doubt whatsoever. Note!! The fund is in the Bank of America right now, but we have ask them not to credit the fund to you yet, because we need a solid proof and verifications from you before releasing the funds, to this regards, you are to re-assure and proof to us that what you are about to receive is clean and legitimate by sending to us FBI Identification Record and also Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) to certify that the fund is not for terrorism/money laundering. You are to forward the documents to us immediately if you have it in your possession, if you do not have it, let us know so that we can direct you where to get it.


These Documents are to be issued to you from the World Local Bank that Authorized the transfer, so get back to us immediately if you don't have the document so that we will inform you the particular place to obtain the document because we have come to realize that the fund was Authorized by the bank that initialized the transfer Identification Record and Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer (DIST) often referred to as a Criminal History Record or Rap Sheet, is a listing of certain information taken from fingerprint submissions retained by the FBI in connection with arrests and, in some instances, federal employment, Naturalization or military service. These conditions is Valid until 9th of June 2014 after we shall take actions on canceling the payment and then charge you for illegally moving funds out of Nigeria.



Guarantee: funds will be released on confirmation of the document.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Final instruction:

60fCredit payment instruction: irrevocable credit guarantee
61eBeneficiary has full power when validation is cleared
62 Beneficiaries bank in USA/outside can only release funds-
62 Upon confirmation from the world bank/united nations.
64 Bearers must clear bank protocol and validation request
NOTE: We have asked for the above documents to make available the most complete and up-to date records possible for the enhancement of public safety welfare and security of Society while recognizing the importance of individual privacy rights. If you fail to provide the Documents to us, we will charge you and take our proper action against you for not proofing to us the legitimacy of the fund you are about to receive.

The United States Department of Justice Order 556-73 establishes rules and regulations for the subject of an FBI Identification Record to obtain a copy of his or her own Record for review. The FBI Criminal Justice Information Services (CJIS)Division processes these requests to check illegal activities in U.S and outside. An individual may request a copy of his or her own FBI Identification record for personal review or to challenge information on the Record. Other reasons,individual may request a copy of his or her own Identification Record may include international adoption or to satisfy a requirement to live or work in a foreign country or receive funds from another country (i.e., Diplomatic Immunity Seal Of Transfer, letter of good conduct, criminal history background, etc.).


FBI Director
James B. Comey.


And now for the explanation as to why it's funny.

In April of this year, I started driving a truck. The company Ace and I drive for requires us to have a TWIC (Transportation Worker Identification Credential) card. I had to undergo a background check from the FBI to insure that I am not a terrorist or a wanted criminal or a lunatic. There were fingerprints and it cost over $100. I passed the background check in two days and then spent two months waiting for my card to be printed (Ace got his in a week 6 months earlier. They changed something right around the time I applied for my card, which caused delays. That's the government for you.)

So, imagine how much I laughed at being told that I have cleared the background check by the FBI by the TSA and that I am considered a terrorist by the FBI in a spam email.

This, like taking cheese to Wisconsin, will never stop being funny to me.

P.S.: I have my TWIC card now and we almost never go anywhere that it's needed. I'm about half disappointed about that.
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