Friday, September 14, 2012

Not Quite Depressed

I don't think it's been a secret that since Ace started his training, I've been posting less. It's only partly because there hasn't been anything going on. Mostly, it's been because I've been fighting off depression.
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The first 6 weeks, I was struggling some. I was fighting depression off, never quite being taken over by it. It was always looming in the background, but I was staying ahead of it.

Then came the week with Ace. I felt good, if slightly frustrated with my in-laws. There was no reason for me to be depressed, so I wasn't.

After Ace left, I went back to fighting off depression. Only not as effectively. I was not up for it, not really. I kind of crashed down into depression. It was bad (I was eating about one meal a day), and part of me was glad Ace wasn't here to see it. Except if he had been here, I'd probably not been depressed. (I lost 9 pounds by not eating. I don't like losing weight that way. Starvation is not a good diet plan. I am eating better now. And healthy foods. Salad, apple slices, cheese, granola bars, beans, fresh bread.)

It got bad enough that one day, Ace was trying to do anything to cheer me up, including offering to call my dad for me to get me to visit him. Even asking if I could just get myself dressed and hopefully my dad could help with packing. I didn't have enough motivation to get dressed. I cried because of that. It was not just a bad day, but a very bad day. It was me at my lowest.

Monday, Ace and I were talking. He was getting all tough love on me (for things other than depression, things I needed to have him say to stop complaining about this). And between that and me figuring a few things out, I finally seemed to leave the depression behind me.

It's still looming. I can still feel it. I'm not fully away from it, I don't think. But I'm not drowning in it anymore. I can see my emotional shoreline. I can get myself to safety again. The undertow no longer has me.

I'm in a weird place. I'm not quite depressed, but I'm not back to normal quite yet either. I think it's a good place right now though. It's a step in the right direction.

If anyone has any tips for helping fight off depression, I'd love to hear them. Preferably ones that do not include me going to a doctor for a prescription. It's not the best option for me right now, even if I think it might be a good plan in the future.
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