Monday, December 17, 2012

I Do Not Need the Drama

Every time I start to forget most of the stuff about my mom that hurts, she seems to pop back up doing something that hurts. Every time (or maybe it's just lately).

Right now, it's something stupid with her new boyfriend and his granddaughter and it's this big thing, but not for me (she's claiming that's her first grandchild). My brother and sister are upset. They both seem to feel like she's putting this new family before her own. They both seem to be hurting. (My sister is fighting with her, and my brother is not happy.)

And it hurts. Because like it or not, she made those two my responsibility and she's hurting them. She made me feel like the mom, and she's hurting my babies, in essence. And I'm not the only one annoyed/angry/frustrated/helpless in this. My dad feels the same way.

I can't rescue them. I can't fix the past or the present. I know this. And I hate it. And I'd love to say that I hate her for doing this, but really I'm just tired. I'm tired of her forcing everyone else to be the grown-up because she's not ready to be one. I'm tired of feeling like I could have done something differently that would have fixed this, when I know I couldn't have. I am tired of feeling responsible for helping pick the pieces back up (when I haven't done that in years). I'm tired of her dragging me back into her drama when we aren't even in contact.

I am trying, hard, to focus on just learning what not to do as a parent from her example. I am not trying, at all, to figure out her logic. I have better things to do with my time.

But the mama-bear in me is ready to go claw her eyes out.
Post a Comment