I've spent a large portion of April in my own world. Things outside of my immediate surroundings have been largely left to drift. I've looked up a few times, but things that have been close have seemed more urgent.
I can hear the whispers of thoughts I've pulled away from. Thoughts of how in the past I should have been stronger and stood up for others instead of finally protecting myself from even more emotional scarring. The part of me that is already a mother, and has been since my own mother seemed to give up on actually raising my siblings, protests that I left them alone with her.
I know that in reality there was no other choice I could have reasonably made. The relationship was broken and I couldn't fix things that were out of my control. Staying in the situation wouldn't have helped my siblings any. They needed to see for themselves how bad it was. I had been bearing the burden of trying to make someone happy when they would never be happy just based on what I was doing, but I wasn't going to be able to bear it any longer. 10 years, and fairly formative years at that, was long enough.
There are times that those whispers say that I'm broken and if I could just fix myself then I would get my mother's love. Life would be sunshine and roses. But I know better than to listen to those whispers. I know the truth. I may be somewhat broken sometimes, but it's because someone who was more fundamentally broken tried to make me into something that would fix her. The expression of her love was always conditional (I'm sure there was and is love there, but it's hard to see love shining through criticism) and I finally woke up to realize that there would always be another hoop to jump through. The glimpses of love and approval were there to keep me jumping. I deserve better.
I'm not fighting off depression quite as much as I have been in the fairly recent past, but I can hear the whispers of thoughts that could lead me back down that path. I'm just starting to move away from my shore again, out to where the waters are deep enough for currents. I'm staying cautious, after all I know that May will be here soon and I've faced struggles in the past in May. I'm watching out for the undertow. I don't want to be swept away again. Because it would be so easy to just let the whispers take me away.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
On Reading (Or a Lack Thereof)
I love reading. There have been very few books that I've ever put down without finishing once I started them. And with a few of those, it wasn't a desire to not read the book as much as the knowledge that now was not the right time for me to read the book.
Despite this, the English classes I ended up taking in high school had teachers that were generally more focused on writing than reading. In fact, I only remember reading 1. Romeo and Juliet (9th grade, I loved it) 2. Julius Caesar (10th grade, no strong feelings one way or the other) and 3. To Kill a Mockingbird (11th grade, loved the story, have the book now). My senior year, I think we read a few short stories, but most of the class was focused on writing.
I never had a long list of required reading books (I only had short lists of required reading in college). I've not really had long discussions on themes or what the author meant when he or she said this or that (other than while reading Shakespeare's plays). Every time I pick up a book, the judgements I make as I read are purely my own.
I'm not sure if I should feel that I've missed something. I am content to judge a book solely on my own experience with it, even if I'm not quite sure how to explain my experience or thoughts to others. I know what I like, even if I can't always explain why I like it (that's a lot like licorice, come to think of it).
I assume that there were English teachers in my high school that did focus a bit more on reading than writing. I know that I left high school with the ability to write a well-structured paragraph that could fill a page. I also knew how to write a research paper (my 11th and 12th grade classes both wrote a class research paper), something that came in handy while I was a college.
I, obviously, no longer regularly write page long paragraphs. I haven't needed to write a research paper since I finished my English classes in college. And I've continued to read just about any type of book I could get my hands on (I have yet to try a western). It seems that my English teachers didn't teach much that I still use (and completely ignored something I loved even then). But maybe it's for the best. Maybe if I had to read a long list of books for school I wouldn't find reading as fun as I still do.
Do English teachers still give reading lists? Or has that gone away?
M.A. Smith, bookworm
P.S.: I do still use the touch typing I learned in high school. I'm so glad I took that typing/computer class.
Despite this, the English classes I ended up taking in high school had teachers that were generally more focused on writing than reading. In fact, I only remember reading 1. Romeo and Juliet (9th grade, I loved it) 2. Julius Caesar (10th grade, no strong feelings one way or the other) and 3. To Kill a Mockingbird (11th grade, loved the story, have the book now). My senior year, I think we read a few short stories, but most of the class was focused on writing.
I never had a long list of required reading books (I only had short lists of required reading in college). I've not really had long discussions on themes or what the author meant when he or she said this or that (other than while reading Shakespeare's plays). Every time I pick up a book, the judgements I make as I read are purely my own.
I'm not sure if I should feel that I've missed something. I am content to judge a book solely on my own experience with it, even if I'm not quite sure how to explain my experience or thoughts to others. I know what I like, even if I can't always explain why I like it (that's a lot like licorice, come to think of it).
I assume that there were English teachers in my high school that did focus a bit more on reading than writing. I know that I left high school with the ability to write a well-structured paragraph that could fill a page. I also knew how to write a research paper (my 11th and 12th grade classes both wrote a class research paper), something that came in handy while I was a college.
I, obviously, no longer regularly write page long paragraphs. I haven't needed to write a research paper since I finished my English classes in college. And I've continued to read just about any type of book I could get my hands on (I have yet to try a western). It seems that my English teachers didn't teach much that I still use (and completely ignored something I loved even then). But maybe it's for the best. Maybe if I had to read a long list of books for school I wouldn't find reading as fun as I still do.
Do English teachers still give reading lists? Or has that gone away?
M.A. Smith, bookworm
P.S.: I do still use the touch typing I learned in high school. I'm so glad I took that typing/computer class.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Finding the Positive
Ace and I are trying to focus on things we can be thankful for and things that are positive about our current situation. Sometimes it's a struggle, as we seem to be the sane people in this house.
We keep catching ourselves complaining about various injustices or venting frustrations. And while it's better that we aren't just letting all this anger and annoyance grow unabated, it's not good to only focus on the negatives. That way leads to depression and bad things emotionally.
Of course, my in-laws don't always make it easy to focus on the positives. They feel a need to "helpfully" remind us of things that are fairly negative or they choose the worst possible moment to demand that their "needs" are met (the amount they help us or that their needs are truly important seems to be directly inverse to how much stress they cause or how bad the timing is for us). It's hard to be thankful for the bed you sleep in or the food you eat when the people responsible for them don't seem to care about anything but themselves.
But we do have a fairly comfortable, temperature controlled environment to live in. We do get food provided for us (even if it isn't what we would normally choose). Our car had a heater for the worst part of this past winter (since it was fixed, the heater is not working again, but the solution is hopefully the same one as last time and should be simple to fix when we get it fixed again) and our blinkers are still working fine. We have the ability to get our clothes clean without having to pay for anything. We get taken out to meals we don't have to pay for twice a week most weeks. Because we don't have as many expenses, we have been able to replace both our computers within a fairly short time frame.
We are blessed. I know there are people out there who would love to have even a fraction of the blessings we have (food, shelter, over-all good health). I know this. It doesn't always make it easier to focus on the positives. It's easier to see the negatives, especially when living with people who focus on the negatives most of the time.
It's easy to let the frustrations overwhelm the positives. It's easy to imagine ranting at my brother-in-law for leaving the toilet seat up or tossing all my mother-in-law's "precious" junk. It's easy complain that my mother-in-law is living just this side of a Hoarders episode. It's easy to rail at the idea that Ace and I have to explain where we are going every time we leave but my in-laws can go out to dinner and don't feel the need to let us know we have to fend for ourselves. It's easy to let all these little (and not so little) things pile up until we can't see the blessings.
It's time for a change. We need to focus on the positives in our lives. And I think I'll start by reminding Ace that we need to find 5 things a day to be thankful for (even if it's just that we're alive for another day). I think it will make the rest of the time we are living here (however long that will be) a little less negative.
Today, I am thankful for:
1. Ace: He wants us to focus on the positives as much as I do.
2. God: He's here for me, even when I'm in the middle of a rant that should be cut short.
3. The library: How else would I get a chance to read so many books? And for free!
4. The car: It may not be my dream car, but it gets me where I want/need to go.
5. My new laptop: Even with all my games, I still have 3 times as much free space as I used to!
We keep catching ourselves complaining about various injustices or venting frustrations. And while it's better that we aren't just letting all this anger and annoyance grow unabated, it's not good to only focus on the negatives. That way leads to depression and bad things emotionally.
Of course, my in-laws don't always make it easy to focus on the positives. They feel a need to "helpfully" remind us of things that are fairly negative or they choose the worst possible moment to demand that their "needs" are met (the amount they help us or that their needs are truly important seems to be directly inverse to how much stress they cause or how bad the timing is for us). It's hard to be thankful for the bed you sleep in or the food you eat when the people responsible for them don't seem to care about anything but themselves.
But we do have a fairly comfortable, temperature controlled environment to live in. We do get food provided for us (even if it isn't what we would normally choose). Our car had a heater for the worst part of this past winter (since it was fixed, the heater is not working again, but the solution is hopefully the same one as last time and should be simple to fix when we get it fixed again) and our blinkers are still working fine. We have the ability to get our clothes clean without having to pay for anything. We get taken out to meals we don't have to pay for twice a week most weeks. Because we don't have as many expenses, we have been able to replace both our computers within a fairly short time frame.
We are blessed. I know there are people out there who would love to have even a fraction of the blessings we have (food, shelter, over-all good health). I know this. It doesn't always make it easier to focus on the positives. It's easier to see the negatives, especially when living with people who focus on the negatives most of the time.
It's easy to let the frustrations overwhelm the positives. It's easy to imagine ranting at my brother-in-law for leaving the toilet seat up or tossing all my mother-in-law's "precious" junk. It's easy complain that my mother-in-law is living just this side of a Hoarders episode. It's easy to rail at the idea that Ace and I have to explain where we are going every time we leave but my in-laws can go out to dinner and don't feel the need to let us know we have to fend for ourselves. It's easy to let all these little (and not so little) things pile up until we can't see the blessings.
It's time for a change. We need to focus on the positives in our lives. And I think I'll start by reminding Ace that we need to find 5 things a day to be thankful for (even if it's just that we're alive for another day). I think it will make the rest of the time we are living here (however long that will be) a little less negative.
Today, I am thankful for:
1. Ace: He wants us to focus on the positives as much as I do.
2. God: He's here for me, even when I'm in the middle of a rant that should be cut short.
3. The library: How else would I get a chance to read so many books? And for free!
4. The car: It may not be my dream car, but it gets me where I want/need to go.
5. My new laptop: Even with all my games, I still have 3 times as much free space as I used to!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Eclectic
Ace and I have been talking while listening to music on my iPod. It's been nice, a time to connect intellectually and to meander through a variety of subjects. And it occurs to me that while my taste in music is fairly narrow in it's scope, my taste in books is fairly eclectic.
Yesterday, I went to the library and picked out three books. I picked up Dracula, a book I've sort of been wanting to read for a while. It's the first potentially scary book I've picked up (unless you count mysteries as scary). I also picked up Holy Hullabaloos, "a road trip to the battlegrounds of the church/state war" because it seemed interesting. I also picked up Sugarbabe, a book written by a woman who decided to find a sugar daddy and her experiences with that.
While this is probably the most eclectic mix of books I've ever checked out at one time, it sort of shows how varied my reading interests are. In fact, I recently went through a look at the Dewey decimal system and wrote down some of the areas I thought I'd probably find books that would interest me (that is one eclectic list too). There's a mix from psychology to manufacturing to folklore to American literature. More than likely, I'll find books in each of the sections I wrote down to fascinate and educate myself.
So, while my iPod would probably bore most people, my library lists would probably tell psychologists something about me.
Yesterday, I went to the library and picked out three books. I picked up Dracula, a book I've sort of been wanting to read for a while. It's the first potentially scary book I've picked up (unless you count mysteries as scary). I also picked up Holy Hullabaloos, "a road trip to the battlegrounds of the church/state war" because it seemed interesting. I also picked up Sugarbabe, a book written by a woman who decided to find a sugar daddy and her experiences with that.
While this is probably the most eclectic mix of books I've ever checked out at one time, it sort of shows how varied my reading interests are. In fact, I recently went through a look at the Dewey decimal system and wrote down some of the areas I thought I'd probably find books that would interest me (that is one eclectic list too). There's a mix from psychology to manufacturing to folklore to American literature. More than likely, I'll find books in each of the sections I wrote down to fascinate and educate myself.
So, while my iPod would probably bore most people, my library lists would probably tell psychologists something about me.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
On Marriage
Ace and I went to a wedding today. It was lovely. There was laughter and kids making noise (as kids do). It went extremely well.
I didn't know either the bride or the groom before the wedding. I've now met the groom, but still really don't know either one of them. Ace used to know the groom back before we met.
Every time I go to a wedding (which isn't that often, since I can only think of 5 weddings I've been to and 2 were on the same day in the same location), I think of my wedding and the vows I made. I get reminded of what I promised Ace and it gives me a chance to look back and decide if I've been fulfilling those promises.
During the reception, Ace and I talked. I apologized for not always walking in love with him and following what I Corinthians 13 says about how love acts. He forgave me, as I knew he would. He shouldn't have had to.
Ace and I have known each other for 8 and 1/2 years now. We've been married for almost 8 years. I won't say we know everything there is to know about marriage, but we've got our relationship fairly well worked out. And I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything.
I love you, Ace! Thanks for being there and being yourself. It's helped make the past few years much more bearable. I'm excited about spending the rest of my life with you.
I didn't know either the bride or the groom before the wedding. I've now met the groom, but still really don't know either one of them. Ace used to know the groom back before we met.
Every time I go to a wedding (which isn't that often, since I can only think of 5 weddings I've been to and 2 were on the same day in the same location), I think of my wedding and the vows I made. I get reminded of what I promised Ace and it gives me a chance to look back and decide if I've been fulfilling those promises.
During the reception, Ace and I talked. I apologized for not always walking in love with him and following what I Corinthians 13 says about how love acts. He forgave me, as I knew he would. He shouldn't have had to.
Ace and I have known each other for 8 and 1/2 years now. We've been married for almost 8 years. I won't say we know everything there is to know about marriage, but we've got our relationship fairly well worked out. And I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything.
I love you, Ace! Thanks for being there and being yourself. It's helped make the past few years much more bearable. I'm excited about spending the rest of my life with you.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
New Laptop
This is my first post on my new laptop.
I first thought that I wasn't going to get this laptop for a few more hours, but it was decided that we could go buy it earlier than intended. I've started getting everything set up on it and I am excited about my new laptop.
It has been over 4 years since I've had a new laptop that was all mine. I am practically buzzing because of my excitement. Ace is thrilled for me and amused by my giddiness.
I now have roughly 5 times as much space available to me as I had before. Everything is all new and perfect. And best of all, at least to me, I can set everything up how I want it.
Yay!
I first thought that I wasn't going to get this laptop for a few more hours, but it was decided that we could go buy it earlier than intended. I've started getting everything set up on it and I am excited about my new laptop.
It has been over 4 years since I've had a new laptop that was all mine. I am practically buzzing because of my excitement. Ace is thrilled for me and amused by my giddiness.
I now have roughly 5 times as much space available to me as I had before. Everything is all new and perfect. And best of all, at least to me, I can set everything up how I want it.
Yay!
6 Words
A while back people tried to tell a story with only 6 words. I could never quite figure out what to say in just 6 words. Today, I think I found my 6 words.
I am stronger than I think.
I am stronger than I think.
Friday, April 8, 2011
And Now for Something Completely Different
I've been thinking about Pinky and the Brain lately (you know, the lab mice from Animaniacs that got two spin-offs of their own). I've got a theory about the true meaning behind their theme song.
I think that Pinky is truly the genius and Brain was the insane one. Let me explain.
Geniuses don't generally want to take over the world. Geniuses have odd thought lines that don't make sense to non-geniuses (or other geniuses). Pinky generally managed to blow Brain's plans for world domination without trying.
Brain however came up with more and more insane sounding plans for taking over the world. And even though he kept failing, he kept coming up with new plans. He kept repeating the same types of actions over and over and kept expecting a different outcome, which is a popular definition of insanity.
That's my theory. Make of it what you will.
I think that Pinky is truly the genius and Brain was the insane one. Let me explain.
Geniuses don't generally want to take over the world. Geniuses have odd thought lines that don't make sense to non-geniuses (or other geniuses). Pinky generally managed to blow Brain's plans for world domination without trying.
Brain however came up with more and more insane sounding plans for taking over the world. And even though he kept failing, he kept coming up with new plans. He kept repeating the same types of actions over and over and kept expecting a different outcome, which is a popular definition of insanity.
That's my theory. Make of it what you will.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Grow Up Already!
Today, not 30 minutes ago, my father-in-law pounded on his own front door and demanded to be let in. He was furious that the door from the garage to the house was locked. He came in, shouting about the door being locked and the fact that he doesn't have a key to that lock (or to the front door, apparently) and that his hands had been full when he got here and he had to set stuff down, only to find he had no key.
The man acted like the door was locked on purpose. Ace told him that we had gone to the garage after my father-in-law went to work and that he must have locked it out of habit. The whole thing was an accident, but my father-in-law reacted like it was a reason to start World War III.
Ace apologized, somewhat sarcastically since there wasn't truly a reason to apologize other than to placate his father, returned to our room and then my mother-in-law voiced her upset over the fact that the door isn't normally locked, even though the alarm is set.
My father-in-law acted like a crazy man. He got pissed off for no good reason and refused to calm down when a reason for the door being locked was offered. He was minorly inconvenienced, for about a minute. He wasn't locked outside the house for an hour or even for 5 minutes. His reaction was like waving a red flag in front of a bull, and was over the top.
I would claim that it was lack of enough sleep or general crankiness that made him more susceptible to being angry, but that isn't a good enough reason. I've been tired and annoyed before (this past Sunday in fact, with a helping of not feeling well added on) without irrationally yelling at whoever caused me an inconvenience. His behavior is unacceptable.
To further compound the lack of sleep problem, today is laundry day for my in-laws. My father-in-law does the laundry. This means he's going to be up for a while longer, washing their clothes, instead of taking a nap to start acting more like a human being. I'm considering barricading myself in my room until after Ace gets back from prayer night because I'm not sure I wouldn't make a rude comment after his childish behavior today (despite the fact that I would then be acting childish myself).
Please let us move soon. I'm living with childish mentalities in adult bodies and my patience for this type of nonsense is running out.
The man acted like the door was locked on purpose. Ace told him that we had gone to the garage after my father-in-law went to work and that he must have locked it out of habit. The whole thing was an accident, but my father-in-law reacted like it was a reason to start World War III.
Ace apologized, somewhat sarcastically since there wasn't truly a reason to apologize other than to placate his father, returned to our room and then my mother-in-law voiced her upset over the fact that the door isn't normally locked, even though the alarm is set.
My father-in-law acted like a crazy man. He got pissed off for no good reason and refused to calm down when a reason for the door being locked was offered. He was minorly inconvenienced, for about a minute. He wasn't locked outside the house for an hour or even for 5 minutes. His reaction was like waving a red flag in front of a bull, and was over the top.
I would claim that it was lack of enough sleep or general crankiness that made him more susceptible to being angry, but that isn't a good enough reason. I've been tired and annoyed before (this past Sunday in fact, with a helping of not feeling well added on) without irrationally yelling at whoever caused me an inconvenience. His behavior is unacceptable.
To further compound the lack of sleep problem, today is laundry day for my in-laws. My father-in-law does the laundry. This means he's going to be up for a while longer, washing their clothes, instead of taking a nap to start acting more like a human being. I'm considering barricading myself in my room until after Ace gets back from prayer night because I'm not sure I wouldn't make a rude comment after his childish behavior today (despite the fact that I would then be acting childish myself).
Please let us move soon. I'm living with childish mentalities in adult bodies and my patience for this type of nonsense is running out.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Better
I apologize for the absence. The past week was a bigger emotional struggle than it probably should have been. But I'm doing much better now.
Sometimes I just need someone to guide me back to my shore. I needed someone to remind me that my God is bigger than my problems. I needed someone to show me hope again.
I'm not saying life is perfect or necessarily even very different. But my emotional state is better.
Sometimes I just need someone to guide me back to my shore. I needed someone to remind me that my God is bigger than my problems. I needed someone to show me hope again.
I'm not saying life is perfect or necessarily even very different. But my emotional state is better.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Insanity
I woke up feeling cold. Despite having a blanket over me, I could tell it was cold in the house.
It turns out that my mother-in-law was feeling hot at some point and TURNED OFF THE HEATER when the weather wasn't going to get over 50 degrees.
I understand turning down the heat some. I understand turning on a fan. I do not understand turning the heater off.
This is the kind of insanity I keep having to deal with. And things like this are what have got me fighting off depression, because I can't do anything about this kind of thing.
It turns out that my mother-in-law was feeling hot at some point and TURNED OFF THE HEATER when the weather wasn't going to get over 50 degrees.
I understand turning down the heat some. I understand turning on a fan. I do not understand turning the heater off.
This is the kind of insanity I keep having to deal with. And things like this are what have got me fighting off depression, because I can't do anything about this kind of thing.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
She's So Nosy
My in-laws went out of town for roughly 8 hours today. Ace and I used that time to have sex and then sleep. It was nice.
Apparently, my mother-in-law asked if we did anything fun or exciting while they were out of town. I don't know what, if any, answer she received to that question.
I do know that it feels more and more like she's fishing to find out if we are having sex when they are away from us. It would feel less creepy that she was asking about our sex life if Ace weren't her son. As it is, it's really throwing me off balance.
I would like to state now that my love life is none of my mother-in-law's business. I doubt that will keep her from asking, but it makes me feel moderately better.
Apparently, my mother-in-law asked if we did anything fun or exciting while they were out of town. I don't know what, if any, answer she received to that question.
I do know that it feels more and more like she's fishing to find out if we are having sex when they are away from us. It would feel less creepy that she was asking about our sex life if Ace weren't her son. As it is, it's really throwing me off balance.
I would like to state now that my love life is none of my mother-in-law's business. I doubt that will keep her from asking, but it makes me feel moderately better.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
(Not So) Easily Distracted
One problem with depression is that the cycle of thoughts to get depressed is easily self-sustaining. Of course, sometimes I have random bouts of depression that weren't brought on by my obvious thoughts.
If only it was as easy to lead myself back to the surface. Part of the problem is that it takes more energy to see the positives than to see the negatives and depression saps my energy (seriously, I've been exhausted for the better part of the past two days for no apparent reason as to why).
It doesn't help matters that I've been easily distracted lately. Seriously, I keep getting caught up in a screen saver right now. I have no idea why I'm finding it interesting, but I am.
If depression was just feeling sad, I think it would be easier to handle. Instead, it feels like someone else has taken over my body. I'm still here, but everything requires more effort to do than it normally would.
I think Ace is slightly concerned that if he weren't around to make sure I ate that I'd just let myself starve because the effort to make a sandwich would be too great. I don't think I would starve, but I'd stay hungry for a lot longer than necessary. I think Ace is mostly frustrated that he can't just fix the problem for me. But he tries to help.
I'm going to go now. I think my mind is too busy wondering off to other things to let me write too much more.(That screen saver surely isn't as interesting as my mind keeps telling me it is.)
If only it was as easy to lead myself back to the surface. Part of the problem is that it takes more energy to see the positives than to see the negatives and depression saps my energy (seriously, I've been exhausted for the better part of the past two days for no apparent reason as to why).
It doesn't help matters that I've been easily distracted lately. Seriously, I keep getting caught up in a screen saver right now. I have no idea why I'm finding it interesting, but I am.
If depression was just feeling sad, I think it would be easier to handle. Instead, it feels like someone else has taken over my body. I'm still here, but everything requires more effort to do than it normally would.
I think Ace is slightly concerned that if he weren't around to make sure I ate that I'd just let myself starve because the effort to make a sandwich would be too great. I don't think I would starve, but I'd stay hungry for a lot longer than necessary. I think Ace is mostly frustrated that he can't just fix the problem for me. But he tries to help.
I'm going to go now. I think my mind is too busy wondering off to other things to let me write too much more.(That screen saver surely isn't as interesting as my mind keeps telling me it is.)
Monday, March 21, 2011
Lost
I've been a little lost lately. Everything has been hard and difficult. I drifted away from my shore without realizing I was moving anywhere.
I've been trying to find happiness and joy, but they've seemed elusive. And I can't pinpoint what it is that has me feeling so lost.
So, I'm going to work on fighting off depression.
I've been trying to find happiness and joy, but they've seemed elusive. And I can't pinpoint what it is that has me feeling so lost.
So, I'm going to work on fighting off depression.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
They Just Don't Get It
I was relaxing, watching TV with Ace when suddenly there was a gruff voice yelling that I needed to help with dinner. My father-in-law decided that I needed to do something around here, I guess. Then I hear what I swear is the knob starting to turn, but could potentially have been a knock. This happens while I'm changing my pants, so I quickly get behind Ace's chair (so he at least has some potential to block me from view), while Ace yells out to wait a minute.
Ace and I spare a quick glance at each other before I leave the bedroom to see if the other is just as outraged as we are. I go help with something, ask Ace to help with vacuuming up some stuff, and sit back down to stew.
I ended up boycotting dinner. I wasn't particularly hungry (first day of my period always seems to see a decrease in my appetite), was still feeling minor cramps, and didn't feel like I'd be good company for my in-laws. Ace understood completely and didn't push. He attempted to do some explaining to my somewhat irate father-in-law, but was ignored.
I've moved past my anger, as that is unproductive. But I'm still upset and frustrated at how I was treated. Ace is also frustrated with his parents. One of the biggest problems with the whole situation is that his mother didn't ask for help herself, she (or my father-in-law) just expected us to know what was going on outside our room and start helping. This isn't the first time that the big problem, in my in-law's opinion, that popped up could have been avoided by some communication on my mother-in-law's part.
She won't ask us to help and then gets my father-in-law all worked up because she's trying to do too much when we didn't even know she needed help. But it's apparently our fault for not being more social or psychic.
I'm fairly sure that my in-laws just don't get why these things are a problem. They wouldn't understand why I was so angry about being ordered to help cook dinner (they wouldn't admit that I was ordered to help with dinner). They don't get why Ace is fine with me not "helping out" around here or pushing me to get a job. They don't get why my relationship with my spouse works. And I know they don't get that they are pushing away their son every time something like this happens.
My in-laws also don't seem to get that my mother-in-law is NOT the only one around here who has pain. I don't talk about my back pain much, as it wouldn't do any good to focus solely on that. But it doesn't mean that it's not very real and that it doesn't affect my life. They probably think I'm faking the pain, or at least playing it up. But that's because they don't know me. And right now, I think I'm fine with that.
Ace and I spare a quick glance at each other before I leave the bedroom to see if the other is just as outraged as we are. I go help with something, ask Ace to help with vacuuming up some stuff, and sit back down to stew.
I ended up boycotting dinner. I wasn't particularly hungry (first day of my period always seems to see a decrease in my appetite), was still feeling minor cramps, and didn't feel like I'd be good company for my in-laws. Ace understood completely and didn't push. He attempted to do some explaining to my somewhat irate father-in-law, but was ignored.
I've moved past my anger, as that is unproductive. But I'm still upset and frustrated at how I was treated. Ace is also frustrated with his parents. One of the biggest problems with the whole situation is that his mother didn't ask for help herself, she (or my father-in-law) just expected us to know what was going on outside our room and start helping. This isn't the first time that the big problem, in my in-law's opinion, that popped up could have been avoided by some communication on my mother-in-law's part.
She won't ask us to help and then gets my father-in-law all worked up because she's trying to do too much when we didn't even know she needed help. But it's apparently our fault for not being more social or psychic.
I'm fairly sure that my in-laws just don't get why these things are a problem. They wouldn't understand why I was so angry about being ordered to help cook dinner (they wouldn't admit that I was ordered to help with dinner). They don't get why Ace is fine with me not "helping out" around here or pushing me to get a job. They don't get why my relationship with my spouse works. And I know they don't get that they are pushing away their son every time something like this happens.
My in-laws also don't seem to get that my mother-in-law is NOT the only one around here who has pain. I don't talk about my back pain much, as it wouldn't do any good to focus solely on that. But it doesn't mean that it's not very real and that it doesn't affect my life. They probably think I'm faking the pain, or at least playing it up. But that's because they don't know me. And right now, I think I'm fine with that.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
An Exercise in Futility
Ace and I are still trying to figure out what we can do with this cell phone (the one that was sent to us but not activated). Ace doesn't want to spend money to return the phone to the company and we aren't getting anywhere with them when we try to call.
On the plus side, they've not charged us for the phone, but that just adds to the frustration. We have a phone that we can't do anything with, including trying to sell it because we don't want to give someone else a headache over it. There are no notes on the order about the problems that popped up with this phone, so any time Ace calls he has to explain it all over again.
So, as the 30 days that we are supposed to have to be able to send it back with no problems draws closer to an end, we are stuck with a cell phone that isn't usable because somebody somewhere messed up.
You can't make these kinds of things up, it sounds too stupid to be true. And yet it is. Calling the cell phone company seems to be an exercise in futility. Maybe if we try going back by a store and asking them to send it back for us will finally solve the problem. If not, then at least we will have exhausted all the obvious options we have towards fixing someone else's mistake.
On the plus side, they've not charged us for the phone, but that just adds to the frustration. We have a phone that we can't do anything with, including trying to sell it because we don't want to give someone else a headache over it. There are no notes on the order about the problems that popped up with this phone, so any time Ace calls he has to explain it all over again.
So, as the 30 days that we are supposed to have to be able to send it back with no problems draws closer to an end, we are stuck with a cell phone that isn't usable because somebody somewhere messed up.
You can't make these kinds of things up, it sounds too stupid to be true. And yet it is. Calling the cell phone company seems to be an exercise in futility. Maybe if we try going back by a store and asking them to send it back for us will finally solve the problem. If not, then at least we will have exhausted all the obvious options we have towards fixing someone else's mistake.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Desserts Spelled Backwards Is Stressed
My in-laws seem to be trying to see if they can create a twitch in me. They are trying to run our lives without having all the facts. And it's stressing me out some.
I battle with depression sometimes, a fact I've never tried to hide here, but I've not really talked about with any of my in-laws. It's not really their business and they would try the wrong things to "help" and would probably send me deeper into a depression. I manage well, and without professional or medical help. That's not to say that I would ever refuse counseling or medication, but I generally don't really need it and I don't have a huge struggle with depression.
My mother-in-law, in a misguided effort to help us get on our own, has been looking up inexpensive housing and asking us about what our bare bones needs are. She doesn't understand that recreation is a need (or that we spend less money on gas for our car by Ace playing World of Warcraft). She has a few fact about how things are, but she doesn't know the whole picture. She doesn't know what things we could safely drop and what things need to stay in place.
I'm not sure if it's because my in-laws are just as ready for us to be out of here as we are or if it's really just an attempt to help us, but it's not helping me. It's causing Ace and I to rehash conversations we've already had (mostly about why neither of us really wants to declare bankruptcy). It's draining my energy, which is already depleted because I'm trying to get my body on some kind of schedule. It's pushing me towards depression.
My in-laws keep wondering why we don't like spending time with them, but they keep bringing up negative things (and most of them things Ace and I have discussed, made a decision on, and moved past already when it comes to our lives). When they aren't offering help that brings stress, they are watching TV shows we don't watch because they are too dark emotionally for me to handle.
I understand that Ace and I living here with my in-laws can't be easy on them, but it's not exactly a walk in the park for us either. I have to put up with backwards insults to my cooking abilities, remarks about what kind of parent I'll be IF I ever become a parent, a lack of communication about things that truly affect my life (like if I need to eat while my in-laws are out because they are going to dinner), and disparaging remarks about my dearly loved spouse because he isn't what his parents want him to be. Oh, and then there are the demands that we (or Ace) be able to drop anything he's doing at a moment's notice to help with anything they can come up with (including changing a light bulb).
Ace has been trying his best to placate his parents with a lot of stuff while shouldering most of the burden himself so that I don't have to put up with their complaints. The man is wonderful, because there have been a few days where I'm sure he was ready to scream, but was patient with me and my back when it was added on top of the already hectic day he had had. There's only been once that he's asked me to just not ask for anything for a while, and I could understand why.
Ace and I try to focus on a positive future. We talk about what our plans are for when we are on our own again. We talk about what food we want in our fridge, how we want to get back into shape, and how nice it will be to be sleeping on our queen-sized mattress again. We try to not pull ourselves down by focusing on all our debts (we know they are there, but we can't do a lot about them right now anyway). Ace knows that it'll just cause more emotional problems than it could ever potentially fix to talk about what we might be able to do.
No one besides Ace and I know our full situation (okay, God also knows, but He knows all). We both feel like this topic is one that's best kept private. We both know what decisions we would make differently if we could, but we can't. So, we are focusing on where we are now and where we want to go. And we'd both appreciate it if my in-laws would keep their noses out of our business.
I battle with depression sometimes, a fact I've never tried to hide here, but I've not really talked about with any of my in-laws. It's not really their business and they would try the wrong things to "help" and would probably send me deeper into a depression. I manage well, and without professional or medical help. That's not to say that I would ever refuse counseling or medication, but I generally don't really need it and I don't have a huge struggle with depression.
My mother-in-law, in a misguided effort to help us get on our own, has been looking up inexpensive housing and asking us about what our bare bones needs are. She doesn't understand that recreation is a need (or that we spend less money on gas for our car by Ace playing World of Warcraft). She has a few fact about how things are, but she doesn't know the whole picture. She doesn't know what things we could safely drop and what things need to stay in place.
I'm not sure if it's because my in-laws are just as ready for us to be out of here as we are or if it's really just an attempt to help us, but it's not helping me. It's causing Ace and I to rehash conversations we've already had (mostly about why neither of us really wants to declare bankruptcy). It's draining my energy, which is already depleted because I'm trying to get my body on some kind of schedule. It's pushing me towards depression.
My in-laws keep wondering why we don't like spending time with them, but they keep bringing up negative things (and most of them things Ace and I have discussed, made a decision on, and moved past already when it comes to our lives). When they aren't offering help that brings stress, they are watching TV shows we don't watch because they are too dark emotionally for me to handle.
I understand that Ace and I living here with my in-laws can't be easy on them, but it's not exactly a walk in the park for us either. I have to put up with backwards insults to my cooking abilities, remarks about what kind of parent I'll be IF I ever become a parent, a lack of communication about things that truly affect my life (like if I need to eat while my in-laws are out because they are going to dinner), and disparaging remarks about my dearly loved spouse because he isn't what his parents want him to be. Oh, and then there are the demands that we (or Ace) be able to drop anything he's doing at a moment's notice to help with anything they can come up with (including changing a light bulb).
Ace has been trying his best to placate his parents with a lot of stuff while shouldering most of the burden himself so that I don't have to put up with their complaints. The man is wonderful, because there have been a few days where I'm sure he was ready to scream, but was patient with me and my back when it was added on top of the already hectic day he had had. There's only been once that he's asked me to just not ask for anything for a while, and I could understand why.
Ace and I try to focus on a positive future. We talk about what our plans are for when we are on our own again. We talk about what food we want in our fridge, how we want to get back into shape, and how nice it will be to be sleeping on our queen-sized mattress again. We try to not pull ourselves down by focusing on all our debts (we know they are there, but we can't do a lot about them right now anyway). Ace knows that it'll just cause more emotional problems than it could ever potentially fix to talk about what we might be able to do.
No one besides Ace and I know our full situation (okay, God also knows, but He knows all). We both feel like this topic is one that's best kept private. We both know what decisions we would make differently if we could, but we can't. So, we are focusing on where we are now and where we want to go. And we'd both appreciate it if my in-laws would keep their noses out of our business.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Answer Will Always Be No
Dear mother-in-law,
No, we won't go to your church with you. We will never go to church with you. The answer when you ask will always be no.
Stop asking!
M.A.
P.S.: We'll go to our own kind of church when we go to a church. Leave our spiritual lives to us.
No, we won't go to your church with you. We will never go to church with you. The answer when you ask will always be no.
Stop asking!
M.A.
P.S.: We'll go to our own kind of church when we go to a church. Leave our spiritual lives to us.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
An Open Letter to Rachael Ray
Dear Rachael Ray,
I'm sure you are a lovely woman. The little I've seen of any of your shows you've seemed sweet. Personally, I have no ill will towards you or your shows.
However, I do have a bone to pick with you. My mother-in-law loves your talk show. She loves talking about your talk show, so I get to hear WAY more about it than I'd care to. I am not a big fan of talk shows, so I don't watch your (or any one else's) talk show.
My mother-in-law thinks she can do what you can do in your kitchen, Ms. Ray. The real problem is that she cannot. She doesn't have the capability to stand long enough to cook food like you do. She also has a family that would be content to eat much simpler and easier to prepare food. It's not that we would hate your style of cooking, we just are used to more meat and potatoes kinds of dishes.
My husband, Ace, and I are both ready to never hear your name again. It's nothing personal, it's just that my mother-in-law has made a habit of saying it several times a week. I'm fairly certain my father-in-law is tired of hearing about your show too.
Rachael Ray, if I never hear your name again that would be fine with me. I hope you do well in your hosting/cooking careers. I hope you gain satisfaction from your jobs. I hope you get all the wealth and fame you desire. I hope your products sell tons (I won't be buying any, but it's more the principle of the thing). I just hope that my mother-in-law stops watching your show, or at least stops talking about it so often.
I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only person in the house to feel the same way. And when I have a place of my own again, your shows will be banned from viewing (the only other show banned is Barney, so you join some illustrious company for annoying me). I make no guarantees that you'll stay banned forever (Barney will be, he's gives me the creeps), but I doubt I'll ever truly be interested in your shows.
So, Rachael Ray, I bid you a good life. I'll not miss you when you are gone from mine.
Sincerely,
M.A. Smith
P.S.: Despite my mother-in-law's thoughts, I don't need my meatloaf to last more than one meal. And if it does, it doesn't need to be put between two slices of bread in order for me to enjoy it.
P.P.S.: Sorry, my mother-in-law got to me at dinner, talking about leftover meatloaf and Rachael Ray. Thank goodness my father-in-law steered the conversation a different direction!
I'm sure you are a lovely woman. The little I've seen of any of your shows you've seemed sweet. Personally, I have no ill will towards you or your shows.
However, I do have a bone to pick with you. My mother-in-law loves your talk show. She loves talking about your talk show, so I get to hear WAY more about it than I'd care to. I am not a big fan of talk shows, so I don't watch your (or any one else's) talk show.
My mother-in-law thinks she can do what you can do in your kitchen, Ms. Ray. The real problem is that she cannot. She doesn't have the capability to stand long enough to cook food like you do. She also has a family that would be content to eat much simpler and easier to prepare food. It's not that we would hate your style of cooking, we just are used to more meat and potatoes kinds of dishes.
My husband, Ace, and I are both ready to never hear your name again. It's nothing personal, it's just that my mother-in-law has made a habit of saying it several times a week. I'm fairly certain my father-in-law is tired of hearing about your show too.
Rachael Ray, if I never hear your name again that would be fine with me. I hope you do well in your hosting/cooking careers. I hope you gain satisfaction from your jobs. I hope you get all the wealth and fame you desire. I hope your products sell tons (I won't be buying any, but it's more the principle of the thing). I just hope that my mother-in-law stops watching your show, or at least stops talking about it so often.
I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only person in the house to feel the same way. And when I have a place of my own again, your shows will be banned from viewing (the only other show banned is Barney, so you join some illustrious company for annoying me). I make no guarantees that you'll stay banned forever (Barney will be, he's gives me the creeps), but I doubt I'll ever truly be interested in your shows.
So, Rachael Ray, I bid you a good life. I'll not miss you when you are gone from mine.
Sincerely,
M.A. Smith
P.S.: Despite my mother-in-law's thoughts, I don't need my meatloaf to last more than one meal. And if it does, it doesn't need to be put between two slices of bread in order for me to enjoy it.
P.P.S.: Sorry, my mother-in-law got to me at dinner, talking about leftover meatloaf and Rachael Ray. Thank goodness my father-in-law steered the conversation a different direction!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Alice
Yesterday, Ace and I watched Alice.
Alice is a very interesting if slightly skewed look at Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Instead of playing cards, they have men in suits (with card suits and numbers on their suits). Instead of a walrus, there is a guy who sort of looks like a walrus.
Alice accidentally falls into Wonderland while trying to rescue her boyfriend. In her efforts to find her boyfriend, she meets the Mad Hatter. The Mad Hatter helps Alice in her quest for reasons of his own.
I don't want to give a lot of details, but it was definitely a movie I'd recommend. I cheered for Alice to help save Wonderland and find love.
And now I'm off to find out if Primeval is a series I'd be interested in, because I'd like to see Andrew Lee Potts as something other than the Mad Hatter.
Alice is a very interesting if slightly skewed look at Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. Instead of playing cards, they have men in suits (with card suits and numbers on their suits). Instead of a walrus, there is a guy who sort of looks like a walrus.
Alice accidentally falls into Wonderland while trying to rescue her boyfriend. In her efforts to find her boyfriend, she meets the Mad Hatter. The Mad Hatter helps Alice in her quest for reasons of his own.
I don't want to give a lot of details, but it was definitely a movie I'd recommend. I cheered for Alice to help save Wonderland and find love.
And now I'm off to find out if Primeval is a series I'd be interested in, because I'd like to see Andrew Lee Potts as something other than the Mad Hatter.
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