Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Describing My Feelings

Yesterday, I tried to describe to Ace. We were on our way to prayer night and I was trying to explain why I wasn't working on my novel, after finally finding my way past some major writer's block.

It's slightly difficult to describe feelings. Especially ones that are painful. I told him that I didn't understand people who cut themselves to stop feeling emotional pain for a while. My emotional pain feels physically painful. And I dislike physical pain, why would I cause myself pain? I will admit to having hurt others emotionally while I was hurting. I know that I was trying to lash out, even when they were offering sympathy and comfort. Sometimes the pain seems too hard to see past in the moment.

I've been fighting off depression. I know, in my head, that someday I should talk to someone about this depression. I should find out if there is a chemical imbalance, or if it's just my own cycle of negative thoughts that bring me to these dark places. But right now, it's not the right time. Financially, it's the totally wrong time. And the negativity of the people we are living with isn't helping.

I wish I could adequately describe how depression feels for me. The English language doesn't seem to have the right words. And it's never that the simple, basic things are any physically harder to do then, but they FEEL like they take all this effort. I FEEL like I have no energy. While I have the energy to feed myself if you set food in front of me, I don't FEEL like I have the energy to get up to make food for myself, until I am extremely hungry. Getting up and moving, while not physically painful, is painful. Anyone making any kind of request of me during that time seems to be asking me to move mountains for them (not literally, obviously).

Most of that last paragraph, that's the closest I can come to describing how things are when I'm depressed. Part of me wonders why I should do anything, when it's all so difficult to do and feels painful to boot. Ace, in his own wonderful way, helps me pull myself out of that funk. He understands, at least as much as he can, that I am trying. He refuses to just let me wallow in my head until I finally find my way clear. If it weren't for him, I'm not sure where I'd be.

If anyone knows of any better descriptions of how depression feels, let me know.
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