Thursday, June 16, 2011

Less Broken

Ace and I were talking recently and I talked about how I don't feel quite the same person as I was when we got married.

Shortly after Ace and I got married, I went through a faze of trying to fix myself emotionally. I read a lot of self-help books and tried to undo some of the damage my mother had done. After a while (roughly a year), I realized two things: 1. I couldn't fix the broken parts of my relationship with my mom. and 2. I wasn't going to be able to fix the parts of me that the relationship with my mom had broken.

After I stopped talking with my mom, things sort of started to get better. I had a few bumps of wondering what was wrong with me that my mother couldn't seem to love before realizing that it had nothing to do with me, but I would imagine that's part of the healing process.

I realized that I don't feel nearly as broken as I used to. I've had a few other, unrelated things that made me feel broken, but my emotions seem to have done quite a bit of healing. It seems that while I've been busy living my life and trusting God to heal my emotional wounds, they've been healed.

I don't know when I'll be fully fixed. I know that I'll always have some emotional scars. I have been changed by my experiences. Some of the pieces may not fit as well as they should. But I am closer to whole than I've been in a long time. And I'm certain, in the end, I'll be whole again.
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